This pretty much sums it up what JW done when it came to Christmas shopping. Well not for everyone just me I should say. This what has been bothering me for a bit now. At the same time feel it shouldn’t bother me and I am wrong because it does.

I started shopping weeks ago for Christmas. Like right after Thanksgiving. I picked up a lot of Little Bites stuff why we were grocery shopping. I have looked here and there for stuff each week. One weekend we went all over looking for stuff. Pawn shops, malls and other random stores. So he got to places and was able to shop. He picked up his gift for his family’s get together. He picked up a gift for the guy at works kid, his self and something for the dog.

What did I get for Christmas and/or my Birthday? Nothing at all. I was told he couldn’t shop because I am always with him when he gets to go. I told him many times if you want to shop go shop. I am not going to follow you call me or find me when you are done. I even go wait in the truck most likely because I only needed a few things or to check for something quick. He never did. He could of ask the guy at work to take him but didn’t. He said the guy at work was looking when he want shopping and went a few places. He told me at one point I could probably get them here but I don’t know where to find them. I said I am sure if you ask someone they can get it or tell you were in the store to find it. He says yeah true but i didn’t bring money with me. He keeps saying he has to order it but it was to late to get it before Christmas but he didn’t order it so it would be here by today or early next week. He is waiting to order it. But then if he can get it at the store why didn’t they just do that? I don’t know what is going on with it. He keeps saying he can’t find “them” I thought I may know what he was talking about even made a comment about seeing some at X store that night. I was going to buy them for my gift from the kids. But I had already spent more than I should of so I didn’t. I just said I had seen them and that was what I was going to do. But didn’t because I already spent money. He could of went got it or called his friend he has looking run and pick it up. The store is at the end of his block.

Then Christmas Eve he say’s yeah I am going to have to get you something Saturday and order your other things. Before it was he was getting these things whatever they are. Now it is he has to get some stuff at the store and order these things. If he was going to get stuff at the store why didn’t he just get it before? Why wait until after Christmas? I told him not to worry about it. He was like no I have to get you something.

My feelings on all of it was I was a little upset or disappointed.

I run my ass off to make Christmas nice for the kids and I want to don’t get me wrong. Normally they ask for money and to go shopping and get me something. This year being how it is I did all the shopping. I even bought their gifts to trade between each other for them. I picked up a couple books for myself because the little ones get upset if mom don’t have a gift. So i bought them wrapped them and put them under the tree. That is what I got. I am okay with that.

I was upset or bothered by what JW done because, I had all that to do and done it and still took the time to find him something nice. Track it down take time from work to go get it and everything. Get him something I know he could use and needed. He does nothing. It is Christmas and my Birthday and he does nothing. Oh I couldn’t find it i have to go to the store blah blah. It feels like an after thought or something I don’t know how to explain it. I know he is going to say he has to go get me something or order it again. I just want to tell him forget it everything is over with. I am sure he say he still wants to get me something i just want to tell him it isn’t the same now. I feel like I am wrong for feeling that way and that I shouldn’t say anything at all about it. At the same time I feel like I should. I feel like if he really tried and wanted to he could of had something in time. I know he had the money that wasn’t an issue.

I think he does care and he does love me. I do him and it isn’t about getting something back. But you know some times it is nice to be included in the holidays and feel like someone wanted to make you feel you were.

I keep thinking about when I was with father of the year how I would go out of my way to find him nice stuff and things he would like. He wouldn’t get me anything or if he did it be some little something he grabbed for a couple dollars so he could say he got something. No thought or effort put into it at all. How his family was the same way we would shop had to get his family nice stuff even if I didn’t buy for mine or have the money to do it. They would spend $100’s on him and hand me a candle from the $1 place or something.

I don’t know what to think or how to feel about what JW done. But I am hurt. I don’t know if it is just a guy thing they don’t see it as a big deal when they get it they run out of time or what. But then I know of a lot of guys that would of had something no matter what. Just like I made sure I had something for him. I just tell myself this is just how it is or going to be. At least I am happy and he is better about other things. I feel like just don’t expect anything at the holidays and why should it bother me that much it is no different than any other time. I feel like now I know how it is going to be I know not to go out of my way to get him stuff either then because it don’t matter. I feel like I am wrong for feeling that way.

I am stuck between feeling like I am living the past all over and this isn’t the same. This one is completely different than father of the year. Just not good with gifts or what. I am use to it so why does it bother me so much now? I guess I just want to feel he cares and not just be like its okay because I am use to it. It makes me question everything then. I don’t like feeling this way. I feel like I need that extra from him to make me feel that everything is okay. I hate feeling that way because I never did before. Like I said in my post I Don’t Like The Person They Have Turned Me Into I think it all comes down to that. I feel wrong for expecting more from him because of what someone else has done. Why should I it is my issues so just live with it it is what it is. Things are good enough. But I don’t want to feel things are just good enough. So how do I fix it without expecting more out of him? Why is it wrong for me to want him to go that extra for me if that is what I need and he cares? But how far extra should he have to go because of me and my issues?

I hate being so confused about how I feel and why. Or about what I want/need and what I feel about him and if I should or shouldn’t expect it from him?

{December 26, 2020}   Don’t Care Either Way

Something has been bothering me the last few days or more. I feel like it shouldn’t and that I am wrong for being bothered by it. I feel like I am wrong if anything bothers me that someone does. I know it is because of everything I have been through. I always bounce between what should or shouldn’t bother me. Not wanting to over react about things I shouldn’t but then I seem to just keep quiet about everything and just let it eat at me. It is so hard to find the balance between the two.

I also have noticed I don’t care a lot of times either. Someone can ask if I want A or B and I don’t really care just give me one. I am that way with most everything it don’t matter to me as long as it does what I need or want it to do.

I have been so use to everything just being however not having things how I want or what I want. No matter how hard I try just living with good enough. That if I am asked it is like just give me whatever is left or go where everyone else wants to go. Because it is only for here now a short time I can deal with whatever it is for that long. I am use to it.

I feel like if I say what I want, where I want to go or what I want to do it isn’t going to matter anyway. Or I’m not going to get it anyway so why even say it and hear all the why we can’t do something.

Thinking about it the other day the only thing I have really had an opinion on lately and stuck to is moving. When we have been looking for places there are ares around us I would not consider. But then if it is in a area that is decent I am not to worried about the house as long as it has no issues. He will look and be like for that kind of money the house should be in a lot better shape than that. I don’t disagree but it don’t matter it will do the job. I will get out of my house that is falling down around me, away from this bitch, me the kids can live our lives how we want again. He can live with us we can have live our lives. It might night be great but it will work. I would like nicer too but don’t feel I will get it because I never do so just find what I figure I can get into.

It isn’t just with him I am this way I am the same way at work too. The others ask where are we going to eat or do today? I’m just like it don’t matter tell me and I will drive us there.

At home they have been asking what I want for my bday and Christmas. I don’t know I can’t think of anything at all. Because I know it don’t matter unless I say the right thing I won’t get the money to go get it. That is a little different situation but at the same time I don’t really care or feel like going and messing with it.

This post was supposed to be about something else but I think I will put that in a different post. This one kind of took a turn.

{May 28, 2020}   Dose He Really Care?

Monday was a holiday and I spent half the day or so with J.W. I went over early and we slept for a while. As you know from my post Depression, Anxiety and Quarantine things have not been great in the bedroom (TMI sorry).  Well things didn’t go so well Monday I finally decided to say something to him. He could tell something was wrong he asked a few times.

I decided to ask him a few questions to try and figure out what was wrong or if something was wrong. If I had said or done something. It is hard not really knowing about that part of his past to much. To know if maybe something from there or just what is wrong.

He said everything was fine I came right out asked him about sex he said it was fine he was happy. He ask what was wrong again. I told him i wasn’t really happy or enjoying it. He told me not to feel that way and changed the subject.

This point I was hurt and a little mad. He wanted to go eat was telling me to get up and where did I want to go. I was just short with him and told him I really did not care. He comes back with I just wanted to have a nice day you. I said so did I. He said is this all because you think I don’t enjoy sex? Because I told you I do.

Now I was mad I already told him and I wasn’t yelling but I was loud and angry. I said well I’m not. He just looked at me for a minute and says I didn’t know I’m sorry blah blah. Where you want to go eat blah blah. I am just looking at him. At that point I just wanted to leave. But I got ready and we went to lunch. I figured maybe we would talk then or once we got back but nope nothing as if I never said anything at all.

I dropped him off and went home. I was upset and sick all evening/night over it. I was really thinking about having nothing to do with him any more at that point. But aside from this things really are good and I am so happy.

It was late but I finally messaged him after deciding what I wanted to say. I started off with

I don’t know what to say about this morning, honey. I feel like I should say sorry but I can’t say sorry for how I feel. But today has bothered me all night.

He says its okay I didn’t have to say sorry.

I told him how happy i am with our relationship how we laugh all the time and joke when we are together. And we do we are always laughing when we are together. That we are there for each other whatever happens to help the other out. How it is nice to have that.

He said yes he was glad to and loved it and was happy to help and wanted to anyway he could.

I told him but it’s also hard to be with someone you can’t talk to about things that are important or that are bothering you. You always ask what’s wrong or say somethings bothering me. Want to know what. I tell you we sort of talk about it or i say what i have to say and its on to something else. Anymore i feel like why say anything. Just leave it alone forget it. But i can’t do that. I can’t just stuff it forget it and slap on that pretend happy face until its forgotten or next time. Nor do i want to. Because when that happens it’s the be gaining to the end. I don’t want our relationship to end not over something like not being able to talk about things.

I told him how when I did say again I wasn’t happy how he blew me off and didn’t bother to ask why I wasn’t happy? Felt the way I did or even want to know anything how it made me feel. That I asked questions trying figure out if something was wrong or what. All I got was no nothings wrong I told you. I wanted to have a good day too. Sorry.

I told him how I felt how I feel don’t matter how I just wanted to go home instead of lunch. How yes I got quite because I didn’t know what else to do. I had already told him how I felt and got no where. What else was I supposed to do? Why else would I say anything? What was the point? That I did not want to fight I am so tired of fighting. I just wanted to talk and work it out. But that didn’t happen. That I felt like I am just here until something else comes along or he gets tired of me or finds someone else.

He say’s no he cares how I feel, he don’t want anyone else but me. Still no nothing about why we are having this conversation. Why I am not happy or anything yet. Still as if that was never said and the only thing wrong is that i am upset about the way he did.

So I said I want to tell the kids im excited and scared about it already. Then today just makes me second guess myself wonder if its a good idea. I don’t want that. Im dealing with myself and the past enough with out the added what ifs. I still don’t feel good been sick all evening over it.

All he says is don’t be scared I want to be with you and sorry you been sick.

I told him i know I have dealt with a lot in the past. I know somethings bother me that shouldn’t. But that I don’t say anything because I know it is me not him. That is why this bothers me so much now. Because i am not like a lot of people who are always questioning everything or upset about things that really aren’t a big deal or blow things up. That then this is how I am done when something is a real issue and I say something.

He just says don’t keep it in tell me when something is bothering you. I told him I know he is use to always fighting and things that I really don’t want to. I just want to talk work things out. That if I wanted to just fight I would of earlier. I told him I care how he feels and if something is wrong. That we just need to talk. He said okay babe we will talk some more. I’m sorry and I love you. That was it.

Here we are two days later not a word about what happen that day or why I am not happy or anything else at all. I don’t know how to feel. What to think or how to handle it. I feel that it has now been made clear to him 3 times. The ball is in his court. If he cares like he says then he needs to step up and say something.

Because as far as I’m concerned at this point we had one small but important issue that could of been worked out in 10 minutes of conversation. But now has lead to the issue of him blowing me off and now acts as if nothing happen. Not bringing it back up and the fact that when i am so very bothered by something and flat out say I am not happy he still has not once asked the simple question of why even. That just stands out to me more than anything.

If be said to me look I told you this is bothering me or look I am not happy. First thing I would want to know is why? It is as if it has not even crossed his mind. I wonder how is that not even occured to him even when I have said you didn’t even ask this, this or this. I know guys think different than us. I know it is not an easy subject for him to talk about. I also know that he had a medical issue or what before. I don’t know if that is part of the problem and he is scared to tell me because he is scared I will leave or say something. But I mean of it is a medical thing I 100% understand and really think that if he knew my issue why I am unhappy it could help with him some too. Again not knowing his past to well when it comes to this kind of things the people he been with or what makes it hard. But medical is not a big deal and an easy to deal with. What I unhappy with is an easy fix as well. But it has turned into all these issues.

I think why am i making excuses for him. But I’m not I am just trying to figure out why we have the first problem that started this whole thing. Then I wonder if this is just showing me that maybe this wasn’t a good idea to get with him it is his true colors coming out. Or has he just not worked through what he has been through with his ex and the effect it has had on him. Is he in denial of it all. Was it just to soon. I have talk to her own family that has told me how things were how they do not know how he stayed and put up with it so long. How much happier he was once he left and how happy he has been since we have been together and things. So I know a lot of what he told me was true. I was worried when we got together it hadn’t been that long how he was going to be going into another relationship.

{January 29, 2020}   Questioning Everything Today

I don’t know what is up with me I have been in a mood all day pretty much. I started the day fighting with Little Bitty about getting up and going to school. Then I took them to school stayed to watch Mr. 9 Get his awards. I watched Little Bitty get hers yesterday. After that I walked home got the car and left. I went and got coffee and a sandwich, I got him a coffee and stopped at his job for a bit and drove around and talked to Bff for a while. I was just in a mood and venting by the time she called me.

I am wanting to move and thought I finally had things together enough to do that this year. Then everything happen with JW my childhood Friend and now I feel like I am putting everything on hold again. I can’t find anything decent around here for less than $1100 a month or more. I am getting really discouraged and really thinking about everything.

When me and father of the year was together we bought our house to flip and move. He lost his job didn’t work for years and everything went to shit. Then I got with RC and he was all about lets get things settled and move up to where he was from and we all know how that ended. In 2015 I had everything set down to renting a truck and my dad got sick. I paid everything up to be with him and weeks later i was left and stuck here. I know he had no control over that what so ever didn’t want that to happen, didn’t plan it or whatever don’t get me wrong and think that is how I mean it at all it really isn’t. I am just saying I do what I am supposed to and things and I always end up on the shit end of the stick. I lost my dad and got stuck here all at once.

Finally now I can probably make it happen and get out of here once and for all and now we reconnect and this happens. He don’t want to move and I’m just like okay lets try this see where it goes. I’ll stay. Me and oldest was talking about moving over the weekend I said maybe in couple years and she said I’ll be grown by then. I can go where I want do what I want. Not in a nasty way or what just a you been saying this kind of thing.

That has stuck with me because I did not want my kids to grow up here or to live here once they were. The jobs are shit, the cost of living is through the roof and its just not a good place.

Then today him saying to me do what is best for you and the kids and I understand has stuck with me. I keep thinking of it. It’s like how can he say I have such strong feeling, I want to be with you, I’m so happy, I want this and in the next breath say but if you move you move it is okay. I understand? I will be sad I don’t want you to go but if you do you do? All I keep thinking now is so how does he really feel? Is he just here because I had something to do with him? Just in it for here and now? If he cares no more than that then why am I putting my life and plans on hold for him? Why am I making my kids wait even longer?

Why does anyone want to live here and struggle all the time if they could go somewhere else and live cheaper and happier? I will pay almost twice as much in rent here than I would up around J. I could have things we want, a boat, 4 wheeler, trips or what. I could work one job and not work 24/7. I could live in my house not just come home go to bed, wake up go to work repeat all the time. I could spend time with my kids doing things. I could be happier. If I can make it and get ahead and save living somewhere like that working one job imgain what I could do if I lived somewhere like that and worked two for even 6 months or a year. I could buy a nice house and have a nice down payment. I could take the kids on trips I have wanted to take.

Instead I am going to stay here work 12 to 14 hour days, never see my kids, still struggle to get by, have him here to work in trying to see and do things with on top of all I already do and take care of. Just be unhappy and miserable. So I find a house at $900 to $1000 to rent right now, in a year rent goes up and now how am I going to afford it? Because god knows you don’t get raises around here and the cost of living is already over what it should be compared to the pay. What next year I end up homeless again? Who knows if he even wants to move or would consider it in a year or two if things are going good. He says he is home don’t want to go anywhere. Then what I move and leave him then? Then what is the point in doing all this and prolonging the inevitable then. Why not just leave and leave him here now than when we have a year or two invested?

Bff just says oh your in love, stop, things will get better, they will be okay and work out. No they aren’t. How can you be happy when you are putting your life on hold?  Why am I the one putting my life on hold? Why is it always me that says okay I can wait? When is it my turn to have something that would make me happy for a change and someone else put their life on hold or change their plans for me?

Like I told her I think I am meant to be single. I think I am happier single. Yeah it is lonely sometimes but it passes and I can do what I need to do for me and my kids and feel is right for us without worrying about someone else.


{April 26, 2019}   The Thrill of The Hunt

While writing another post I had the thought, why do we always want what we can’t have or what doesn’t want us? Why do we feel the way we do about people and why do we have feelings for people that aren’t good for us, but not the same feelings for the ones that want us or are better for us? Why don’t we see it at the time? We take so long to before it hits us that wow that one is no good and this one we pushed away was probably what we have been looking for all along for years and now we pushed them away.

It hit me it isn’t really about the person so much as it is about the hunt or the catch is probably better word. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, it is finding that one and then trying to catch it. If they play hard to get or what just makes it that much more intrigued or want it more because you think you know them think you have them figured out. All while you know this isn’t good this isn’t right and they do this or that and make you made you then make excuses for them. They are just scared, they are just not sure yet, they are just waiting for……the list goes on and on. Then once you catch them or something happens and changes your mind about them you will keep pursuing it knowing that it probably isn’t going to last or there are going to be problems. But that is okay with you. Because your so messed up you see this you wanted it and your not taking no for an answer and your so messed up that you know it isn’t going to last but that is okay because you don’t go into it expecting it to last. But you are still trying because you are to scared to get into something with someone that may have a chance of going somewhere because you are scared of getting hurt again like you did with the last relationship where you really let someone in and they killed  you by leaving.

With someone you already know or someone who is interested it isn’t the same, the thrill of the hunt isn’t there the trying to catch them is gone. The Adventure  of it all and getting to know them isn’t there. I have always been one that the chemistry and feelings before getting with someone are a lot stronger than after and after it is a just oh well now what and okay how long will this last or what is going to happen? If it works out it works out, if it don’t, it don’t no big deal. Not that I didn’t care for them or have feelings for them, it’s just different.

The only one that I really felt different about was RC. I felt a lot different and even though I had the feeling something was going to happen, I let him in, in a way that I hadn’t anyone else and tried to push the something happening thoughts out and ignored them.

Since him I have not been that close to anyone else. I had feeling for others but not like RC. As I said in other post I have been pushing the wrong one away and going after the ones I should be pushing away. Am I trying to fix something that happen in the past with one of these or just keeping up enough of that wall to hopefully keep from getting hurt again? Since I know it probably won’t last, but that’s what I’m hoping to fox and get them to stay like I couldn’t with RC? Like Sleeping Beauty wanting another kid so he can be in this one’s life? Are we all just looking for that one person that we can fix all our past mistakes with? Instead of the one who is right for us?

{April 17, 2019}   Can’t Stand The Waiting

Talked to Special K some yesterday. I told him to stop by and see me on his way home from work he said he couldn’t he had something to take care of. Later I asked what he was doing he said looking for something to watch nothing really. I told him he should let me come over we could have some quick fun before I went to work. He said his brother and kids would be home soon he had to wait until he was a sleep. I told him that was okay I could come after work. But I wasn’t getting off until late and he would be a sleep.

Any other time we can get together with no problems now I want to get together and want to talk to him here we are a week later and still can’t. I don’t know what to think. Maybe I should just forget about it. I wish I didn’t have to work tonight I would just message him tell him I was off and needed to talk to him and ask when we could meet. I am going to try and get off early tonight. It is our night out and I want to try and get by to see him if I can get off early. I hate waiting when I have something I want to do or need to do. Once I decide I want to do it now and get it over with. So this is just got me on edge wanting to get it done.

I keep feeling like he is going to say no or that he is with someone and that is why he hasn’t been able to get together. Again I am probably over thinking it. I have to much time to think about it and change my mind or find reasons not to do it. That is the problem and why I like to do things when I decide and not put them off.

{April 15, 2019}   Is This A Test

I don’t know what to think about all this with Special K. I have not heard from since right before he got off Friday. But this isn’t unusual For him, like every other guy out there he just stops talking for days. But most the time not  if we are trying to get together. If I am wanting to come over or if he is wanting me to come over.

I keep going over and over everything that has been on my mind since last week. How do I really feel. what should I do about it, do I want to tell him, do I want to try to have more, why don’t I, why do I, what feelings are real, the ones I feel for him, the ones I felt or thought I felt for the other? What should I do where do I start, how do I get him to talk to me, see me?

I keep coming back to the through that he is seeing someone. I just had the thought did I say something? The other day when I said I could make it feel right. Should I have not said that? Did me telling him I was with someone make him think about things and change his mind? Or think about it and start to question why he keeps trying if he keeps getting turned down? Is he just going to say fuck you or to late?

What do I tell him? How do I tell him? Do I tell him I have been thinking and if he still would like to lets give it a try? Do I tell him why I have been pushing away so much or avoiding it and saying no? That he is my comfort or safe place and that I am scared of messing that up and being hurt more? Do I just see if he still wants to try more and just forget everything and go from there if he don’t ask or say anything?

I find myself looking at things different with him. I find myself thinking that if he isn’t interested in more, then just breaking it off and backing off like I had planed to start with. I find myself wanting to see him, wanting him to come pull me over to him, into him, I just want to hold each other and not let go. I want to know when we do that we are more than just “friends”. But don’t know that will happen.

I don’t know what to think about all that I have had running through my head the last 5 or 6 days. I don’t have anyone to bounce things off or or talk to things about and get a honest option about it all. I talked to Bff about it but she just says the same thing you two are so good together, he seems like a good guy, you should do it. I talked to her about all the thoughts I have had and was I avoiding him because of the way I felt? Was I more interested in the others because I was going in expecting that something might or would happen? But with him it seems more solid more real and more of a it will work out and I am scared of all that? She just says yeah it makes since.

I don’t want someone who is just going to agree or say the same thing no matter who I am talking about or with. I know she isn’t I know she means well. But she just hasn’t been there or get into it so in depth. I guess, she has really never had a relationship other than her hubby. They have been together since she was 16 and they only got together because she got in trouble and he was the only one she was allowed to see or talk to. Her dad was very controlling. It was kind of an arranged kind of thing if you really look at it and how she was raised and controlled.

I can’t go to my Good Friend that I haven’t talked to in so long because he don’t like Special K. He has made comments about us talking and things before. Special K is his ex wife’s boyfriend. Like I said here way back she tried to tell me all kinds of things about him until she knew how well I knew him. Who knows what she has said to him and he just like that. He don’t see why I am interested in Special K and not him. Plus we have not talked in a long time. I am kind of sad about that too but I am doing what I can hope we start talking again soon but he still isn’t the one to talk to about this. Although if it was someone different and we were talking he would probably be the best to talk to about it.

I have thought about contacting Special K and asking him if he would stop by and see me at work when he gets off today. He gets off at 4, I don’t get off until 5 and then have to run right to my other job. I don’t have time to stop and see him and talk. If he was to stop here we could have some time to talk. But I don’t know if this is a conversation I want to have or start and maybe have to leave before it is done. I just don’t know. I just want to get it out there and figure out and see where we are going to go from here or how we feel. I hate being in situations like this. Him not answering and not having time to go see him and things like that. If he was going to be up late I could stop by after work but if not then I couldn’t really see him until Thursday or Friday and I can’t see waiting that long. If I have to wait that long I have more time than I should have because I will figure out reasons to talk myself out of it and I don’t want to do that. I am moving forward in so many areas or most areas of life, I feel that I need to move forward in this area and that this needs worked out.

At times I feel like I am rushing into it, but I’m really not we have been doing this for how long now and he has tried how many times. I feel like how can I jump from one to the other. But I think like I said last week, what I really want wasn’t going to come from Sleeping Beauty I knew that but was hoping for something more than it could be. Because he is a good person and great with kids. But he has to many issues that I was over looking or in denial about because I figured if it didn’t work out it was okay because I knew he had issues it might not. That the real feelings I have or had are for Special K but I was projecting them on him because he was safer I wouldn’t get hurt or as hurt when it didn’t work out. I wouldn’t lose my friend. I have said all this. I guess I just need to get out of my head. Maybe I can find someone that will help or listen be sounding board give good advice.

Bff said Wednesday night I was going to give it up to him and tell him how much I love him when Sleeping Beauty asked what we were talking about. I had no idea that was what she was going to say. He said why are you crazy he stood you up tonight and your going to do that. I just said I knew why he didn’t come I understood. He asked why. I said because he didn’t have money to pay and didn’t want me paying for him. He asked why he didn’t have money. I said probably because has a car payment and just got into a house and has the bills for it. I haven’t talked to him in a month or two so who knows what else has been going on or what may have came up or happen. He just said oh. But really he didn’t stand me up he already told me he wasn’t coming or couldn’t come. I just was trying to get him to come.

I said to bff the other day when he said are you crazy or why when he has stood you up? I should of said I guess because I am stupid and didn’t learn my lesson when you done it to me. Your right thanks for pointing that out and where that leads to in the end no matter how much you are there for someone. But like I said he didn’t really stand me up and our relationship is different we have been doing whatever we are doing for years and he has made it clear he wants more 3 or 4 times. He gets after me for not letting him help me and things.

On the topic of helping me another reason I don’t know about or resist getting with him. He is a take charge, take care of things, handle it kind of person like RC and it is so hard for me to step back and let someone do that and even harder with the way things ended with me and RC after I did step back and let him take charge or handle things. I know he don’t want to rush in and make everything right or “take care” of me but just stepping back and letting someone else take control or the lead or having to work with someone and answer to someone, consider someone else when I decide to do things. I hadn’t even really thought about that part of things. I mean I have but not really. I haven’t thought about what that would really look like with him. I mean I have thought about it with others and some it never crossed my mind with him I am in the middle. It is just one of them things that you know you’er going to have to do but haven’t really put thought into what that looks like with them. With him I know like with RC it is going to be a lot of effort or thought that is going to have to go into how things are done and said. That isn’t a bad thing just something I have to work on more because I am not use to that. It is hard for me to do and to let go and let someone else or to think how is this person going to feel about that or are they going to be okay with this or I should talk to him first.

Why is there never anyone to talk to when you need them? Ugh well if you all have an opion or thoughts you would like to toss out there I would love to hear them. A lot of you have been here for this long crazy ride and I am sure probably have some thoughts on it all or that I am just crazy over all. That is okay too, I welcome any and all feedback.


{April 12, 2019}   Working Hard

I heard from Special K today he said he had been busy and had things going on. He said he was out of town yesterday for work and had fallen asleep last night when I was messaging him. I had gotten off early and messaged to see if he was still up. He said they were busy today and he been working.

I asked him if he had his daughter this weekend and he said no. I asked what he was doing tonight he said he still had no money so nothing. I told him he didn’t need money to just hangout. We have been talking off and on through the day. I might go over tonight when I get off. I am off early again tonight. I told him I just want to stay in and relax not really in the mood to go out or do anything. We haven’t seen each other in a while be nice to just catch up and maybe have a conversation about everything I have been thinking about and trying to decide or work out on my part.

I am not sure how or what to say if I bring it up. How do I explain why now and not before? Is he even going to ask or want to know? How do I bring it up?

{April 10, 2019}   Maybe He Is The One

Today when thinking about Special K I had the fleeting thought of why not just get together and give it a try. What is the worse that could happen? The thought left as quick as it came and I went on with the thought of I can’t do that.

Then I was writing my last post a few things I wrote made me stop and really think. Now I don’t know what to think or feel or why I want to call him but don’t want to call him.

He is my “safe” person, my comfort without getting to close or involved. I typed that and it was like a light bulb went on kind of moment. Am I resisting so much because he is “safe” and because the odds are it could work out and we could be happy? Is the reason I keep going after or more interested in these others because subconsciously I know it isn’t going to work out? That is okay with me because I am scared to get to close and end up hurt? With the others I’m looking at things different and going in with a different perspective than I am with him because of the way things are or have been?

With the others like Sleeping Beauty I know he has a problem and there could be issues and things but I was willing to give it a try and see if we could help each other out and go from there. But realistically knew that we may not end up being together long term even though I would like to be.

With Mr. Responsible I went and seen him interested but not really sure how I felt about him or more with him. Figured I just see where it went. No expectation of it working out.

Then others that I have talked to I knew pretty much upfront if I was interested in seeing if it went anywhere or just to be strictly nothing more than just friends that is it.

But with Special K we have built a relationship of sorts, and here we are all these years later and he has tried how many times to get me to be more so there is something there. I never thought we would be doing what we are all these years later. But here we are and he is still trying to get me to be more and he is working on things in his life more and trying to have more or do better. Am I pushing him away and making excuses because I am afraid of losing my “safe” person, my comfort person? Because if it didn’t work for some reason it would effect me and hurt me because of the relationship we have.

Have I put to much thought into it and come up with so many reasons or excuses because I am afraid of how things may turn out and getting hurt. Because again being very honest sitting there talking and hanging out and laying there with him at different times I have had to stop myself from telling him I love him. I just sit there or lay there and think and why are we doing what we are doing? Why aren’t we together? Why do you keep telling him no and pushing him away? Then my brain says because of this and because of that and don’t you remember he said this or that before? He is just like the rest just telling you what you want to hear. But is he really because we been doing this for so long now. Really think about it he has the best set up right now. He gets it when he wants it or we can get together and has not responsibility or obligation or anything else, free to see others get in a relationship with someone else if he wants or whatever. But he still keeps asking to have more. Now I write all that and there goes my brain over thinking it looking to much into it. It’s saying why dose he want more? He does have a good set up right now why does he want you? Why does he want more with you. Has it all been self sabotaging all along? Am I really that messed up and jaded from all I have been through? Have I not made any progress at all from where I was when I got out of it all and where I am today? Is this normal? This isn’t normal? It can’t be normal right?

{March 18, 2019}   I Let go of The Baggage

I don’t know what happen that night we all drank (Moonshine Is Not My Friend) but it is like something just snapped in the three of us. Me and Bff probably more than her aunt I think.

Bff didn’t drink the moonshine she drank while we were out, she had I don’t know how many drinks and then some of a few others who gave her theirs. Then she stopped and didn’t drink anymore once we got to her friends house. Me and her aunt had one or two before we got there but then when she brought the moonshine out is when we really started drinking. We found out later the blue 140 proof one she brought back to bff’s house and was slipping and drinking it outside once we got back to Bff’s house and I got inside. She would go out to smoke and drink it. Why she was lit the next morning at 9 something in the morning. We couldn’t figure it out because no one seen her bring the jar home or drinking. Later bff found it and last week she told us she brought it done there in her purse and sat it outside on the deck when they were trying to bring me inside.

After that night I just felt different, a way I had really never felt before. I was hungover for like two days. It was Saturday before I felt I could even really think about eating a normal meal and function almost normally. But aside from that it was like something just changed or was different. Almost like everything I had been thinking about, bothered by and why I was drinking just disappeared. I guess maybe I just let it all go that night. That is it I just felt this huge release like everything that had been weighing me down, depressing me, holding me back or was in my way the last few years since RC, the divorce, my dad passing and all of it, I just let it all go that night. I haven’t picked it back up since then. I feel like a whole different person. I feel stronger and more empowered. I feel ready to really live my life and be happy.

As I write this and really think about it I owned a lot of shit that was not mine to own and to carry around. A lot of guilt for the way things are and a lot of guilt for the way my kids have been done by their dads. I felt it was my fault and I couldn’t fix it. All though I did leave father of the year, I left because of the abuse, and I tried my hardest for over a year to get him to see what was going on and what was going to happen. Although I left him and I asked for the divorce I did not do anything WRONG. I stood up for myself. I also did nothing wrong toward my children or cause anything that is or has happened with them. I have never told them they can not see or talk to their dad. I have never told him he can not see or talk to his children. I have always told him it was their relationship how they go about that is on them. HE is the one that chose to step out and not be a part of their lives. HE is the one that cut off contact and support. HE is the one missing out. HE is the only one that can decide to come back in the picture and try to make things right with them.

The same with RC. although we may have had our disagreements, our problems were no where near anything that we could not have worked out, learned from and grew from. HE decided to leave, HE decided to cut off contact, HE decided to not know his daughter. Again HE is the only one that can decide to come back around and build that relationship with her.

I CAN NOT CONTROL them and make them be the men they should be and I CAN NOT make them be the dads I so wish my children had and want.

I also CAN NOT carry around the burden of their wrong doings as my own. What they are doing is NOT MY FAULT, I DID NOTHING WRONG. All I done was get me and my kids out of a very abusive relationship that I should of never gotten myself into. Then I helped a man raise his children and find his daughter that he had no relationship with. I DID NOT ask to be ABUSED. I DID NOT stand in the way of a father and their child, like a lot of women would of done and are doing. I have had the best interested of all the children involved in mind from the start in both situations. Rather they were mine or otherwise. I know I am doing right by my children and all that were involved and that I continue to do right by mine and provide and there for mine that is all that matters at this point. As long as I carry around what they did o are doing and own their wrong doings I will always feel this doom or gloom and weight of the world on my shoulders.

I told Bff about a week after that something was different, something happen that night. She said YES she said you too? I feel so different since that night I don’t know what it is. She said she felt very angry after that night. Angry at herself. Then she was angry with different people she had been talking to. She started standing up to them and not backing down and telling them no they were wrong and this isn’t right. She started really standing up to old boss her hubby from the transmission shop. He started about somethings she did the last couple weeks and not telling him first or asking him what to do or if she could or if it was okay and things. She just told him look it’s not like that anymore and I am on my own and I have to decide things around here, I can’t call you every few minutes or be worried about what you like or what. This effects me and the kids your not here.

The other day we were talking about it and she said since that night I just don’t care what anyone thinks anymore, if they get mad or don’t like it or what. She said I’m just like fuck it, it’s my life and I am taking control of it. I am deciding what goes on and what I do and how things are done.

She said I think there was something shown or revealed to everyone that night. I said I don’t know but I know I loss a lot that night and I fucked up with Sleeping Beauty that night but, I gained so much that night, it took a bit to see it and figure it all out but I do now. As bad as that night seemed at first it really wasn’t.

et cetera
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