{February 27, 2021}   Can’t Wait to Get Moved

I am so over this bitch I can not wait to get moved away from her. She started again tonight about if I found anything and what was she going to do? I am just going to leave her homeless after “all she has done for me”. Let’s talk about all she has done……

Had cps\dcf called on me.

Thrown away and or ruined my rugs furniture and everything else because it wasn’t “good enough” or what she wanted.

Brainwashed my kids trying to turn them against me

Has had code enforcement called several times I almost had to move.

Expectes everyone to do everything for her. Shop, laundry, driver everywhere, go the why she tells you do everything her way. If you get a drink do it this way use this glass not that one dont sit the cup here sit it there. This is no joke or stretching nothing. You can’t sit stuff on one end of the table because something off the ground was sat there 9 months ago. It has been bleached and cleaned. But it is still dirty.

We sleep in a death trap fire hazard every nigh. She has both doors blocked with stuff because you know someone is after us she needs to hear if they try to come in.

The list can go on and on but i can’t because I am already pissed and it just makes me madder thinking about it.

She says she has no way to do this and that. No way to look for a place no one to take her and now all the sick people. It’s no excuse. She could call one of these ride places one of her friends my sister. I am not missing work to help her. I did and she fucked around. Made me miss all day and drove me over the edge dealing with her. She needs committed or something. I dont know. But it is not my issue no more. Few months has been years you can’t help someone who don’t help themselves.

If I could move tomorrow i would and not think twice about it or feel the least bit bad.

{September 22, 2020}   Could Of Been Me

As I sit here at work in front of my computer billing away each day I listen to pod cast on my ear buds. I listen to things like 48 hours, Crime Beat and other true crime or documentaries. Sadly so many of them are about husbands killing their wives or ex wives, boyfriends killing their girlfriends or ex girlfriends. It seems so hard to believe that there are so many of these women this happens to. But then when you think of the statistics 75% + of women who leave or try to leave end up dead. But still so many people don’t believe this goes on or marginalizes how bad domestic violence is or joke’s about it. As if it is no big deal.

So many feel it won’t happen to me or it won’t happen to my friend, loved one or co worker. My son, brother, friend, uncle wouldn’t do that even when the signs are there. I don’t know if it is because people don’t know what to look for? They don’t want to believe it?

As I sit here and listen to story after story, it for some reason really hit me today, how much danger I was really in and how that any one of these women they are talking about could of been me. How it was that bad and I really could not be here today.

It made me wonder why? Why didn’t I realize it at the time? Why didn’t I see it when friends and family were pointing it out and saying it? Why wasn’t I scared? Worried? Reporting him? Why didn’t I tell anyone about him knocking me up side the head or the back of the head when he would get mad. Or him shoving me across the room or through the house screaming and spitting in my face? Why didn’t I tell about him having me so upset I would be locked in the bathroom sick while he beat the door still screaming and yelling at me while laughing.

I would sit there leaning against the door begging him to go away. To just leave me alone and stop doing this if for no other reason than because of the kids being there watching, listening. He keep on until he got fed up and he would walk off like nothing ever happened. He truly was like jekyll and hyde. One minute raging the next nothing happen cooking, playing with the kids or walk off and go watch tv.

There were time’s I thought he was going to do some thing to himself. Bff was extremely scared he was going to do something to me. We lived close like 2 blocks from each other. Any time she heard syrens she would look to see where they were going or call/message me to see if I was alright. If she was gone for the day and we weren’t together she would call or message me throughout the day to make sure I was alright. I have told you all that before I am sure. There was a few times my mom said something and my sister. My sister was scared to be around him. She would not be left alone with him even as an adult. She was worried about me and the kids.

But thinking about it I think I wasn’t scared because I always would fight back and I wasn’t scared to stand up to him and do whatever I had to in order to get away. Before I get a bunch of people attacking me. I know a lot of these women were the same way probably and how many of them did fight back to get away. But I think I was just so use to it and use to it getting worse and worse and thinking ahead to worse case or what if this or that happen. That I really just wasn’t worried about it or thought that it would just be another fight to get through and deal with. I always had the thought is this going to be the time he blacks my eye? Is this going to be the time he breaks my nose. Just all out beat my ass? What am I going to do if he does this or that. The whole time we would be fighting I would be thinking ahead if he does this I can grab that, if he was to try that I can get out this way. I would be looking around what he was close to that he may pick up to use in some way and thinking what I would do if he did.

Writing that my mind is going, oh my god it is no wonder I am the way I am. Always in a state of survival every day. Spend wondering if and when he is going to snap, how bad it was going to be and what I am going to have to do just to survive another day. But at the time you are not thinking survival. It is just your normal every day life. You are just thinking of getting through another day. Sometimes you have the thought if you were dead at least you wouldn’t be miserable and your kids wouldn’t be living in the fighting every day.

{October 29, 2019}   Has Anyone Heard From

This is one of if not the very first blog I started following when I started my blog years ago. Passive Aggressive Abuse it was a really big ah ha moment reading her blog and all the information she put on it about passive aggressive abuse. For once in my life I didn’t feel like I as crazy, over reacting or many of the other things that everyone said at the time when they found out me and ex were getting a divorce. I followed her blog and we interacted often on it. But she just disappeared a few years ago, haven’t seen anything from her. I often wonder about her and how she is and what happen once she moved out.

As you can see her last blog post was that she had done it she finally moved it was her first night in her new place. I wonder and worry if something bad happen between her and her husband if that is why she hasn’t been back. I know that some family knew of her blog and that at one time he had found it too. I don’t know if that is maybe why and if she did a new blog under a different name or what. If so I would love to follow or at least know an update as to what happen if she is alright. When one leaves they can be at so much more of a risk of the abuser getting worse and doing much worse things to them even death. I don’t know if I have asked on her before or not but it don’t hurt to reach out and try again.

So if anyone knows anythings please let me know.

No I have not hit anything, no truck remember. So Monday when my sister and the kids came to pick me up we were riding along and her 4 year old little boy chimes in amd says…..

Mommy did you tell her about the pole you hit when Granny (talking about my mom) was with us and you two were fighting over cigarettes?

Then he starts telling me mommy and Granny was fighting because Granny was mad. Mommy hit a pole in the parking lot at the little store. Then mommy was really mad at Granny because she was fighting with her.

I laughed so hard. My sister said thinks buddy for telling everyone about me hitting the pole.

He said okay and went on telling me about somethimg else.

I said kids got to love them they will tell everything!!

{April 20, 2019}   He Was Minding My Own Business

Me: Miss 6  why did you hit Mr. 8?

Miss 6: because I was on this end of the couch he was on that end I was laying down wasn’t touching him. He started and was minding my own business so I punched him. If he had minded his own business he wouldn’t of got punched. I told him not to start and not to say nothing and he couldn’t listen. Maybe he will mind his own next time and not mine.

Me: 😳😬😆😂 glad she was in the backseat of the truck and couldn’t see me.

#6yearsgoingon30 #herfatherschild #lordhelpme #dontmindherbusiness #mindyoursnothers

{March 24, 2019}   Having a Hard Time

I been having a hard time the last few days. The kids are complaining I’m not home, they don’t see me, they are grumpy, grouchy and just complaining along with fighting between them.

I was talking to bff about it last night this morning. Sleeping Beauty text asked what was going on or something. I told him i was tired of it never nothing i do good enough. No one ever happy or what.

He said i need to put my foot down start taking things tell them this is how it is. I can’t do anything im not there enough to say or do anything. He said you need to stop and be there for your kids.

I said Its one thing to walk around knowing no one cares you never been good enough but to fucking have it drilled in your head every time your around the ones that your working your ass off for. You only take so much.

He never said anything back.

Later i was talking to bff on messenger. I said I hear on cry complain gripe or anything else today im take them over pull up say thats your dads house get out go complain cry to him tell him how shitty of a job he is doing im tired of hearing it

Came back you need to grow up. Then in a minute said sleeping Beauty got my phone.

I was not in the mood i said, Not like he gets it or understands he like the rest not there for his either why someone else does it all worries about it all. Makes sure everything happens 24/7/365. Oh boy guess he still had her phone or she told him.

In a minute i get a text from him.  I do understand but I promise u if u come out ur mouth again I promise u I’m not gonna keep my mouth shut.

And u talking shit about me to people that don’t that don’t know me about my drug problem but it’s not a problem.

I didn’t have time to respond to the first before i got the 2nd.

I said I don’t know what the fuck your talking about. He never said anything back after that. I don’t know what he is talking about. I haven’t talk to anyone about it but bff and the guy at work said something to me about him. I didn’t say anything to him about him either. Just yeah you can’t help someone that don’t want it shuts down don’t talk.

He admitted right there he doing it so what can he say. Get mad because people care and trying to help him or figure out how. Oh well.

I started to ask Bff what the hell was going on but I didn’t. He was right there with her. I’m wait for her to get a hold of me. See if she does. If she does she does if she don’t she don’t. I’m not playing games. I figure she will when she drops him at work in the morning he isn’t around.

As far as him saying he understands but and not keeping his mouth shut. Not really anything he can say or do there either. As much as I have listen to him talk to him when shits getting to him. Again when it comes down to it im here doing it he hasn’t seen his done for his nothing. Not much he can say.

{March 5, 2019}   My Anthem

This song has touched me more than any song I have ever heard. It has me in tears almost every time I hear it. I can feel it in my soul.

I had listen to it and I couldn’t figure out why it shook me like it does. I had not heard it in a long time and for some reason when everything happen with sleeping Beauty and the drinking and just everything from Wednesday on. Something pushed me to look it up and listen to it. Because I couldn’t make since of how I was feeling or what I was looking for.

Today on the way to work something said look it up see what it is about. I already knew but still could not figure out why it hits me so hard. I looked it up and it is not what I thought it was about at all.

It was written for Big Kenny’s sister as it will tell you when it starts. It is talking about her going through an abusive relationship and women dealing with domestic violence.

All I could think is WOW now it all makes since. It hits the nail on the head, how I feel, think and everything.

“She wants someone to call her angel,
Someone to put the light back in her eyes,
She’s looking through the faces,
And unfamiliar places,
She needs someone to hear her when she cries”

“She just needs a little help,
To wash away the pain she’s felt,
She wants to feel the healin’ hands,
Of someone who understands”

These two verses say it all and just hits me so hard and so deep. They do say it all. I just want to find someone who understands and cares and who will stick around. I am so tired. Tired of being alone, tired of doing it all, tired of never feeling loved. Tired of never being cared about or taken care of. I want to be happy again in those ways. I am okay and happy in most things but in this area I’m not and it is starting to affect everything else. I know I have my issues help me and love me through them just like I am willing to do for you. All i ask from anyone. But it seems to be to much.

{September 8, 2018}   React Without Thinking

This, this right here is why I need someone to go with me if I have to take the kids to see Father of the Year. I will react without thinking. Like I said they do what to me but now they are bringing my kids into it. Momma bear will fight in a second and think when it is all done.

Just like the time I almost got in a fight when I was pregnant with my 3rd. I done jumped out of the truck and was going off. Never thought about being pregnant until it was all done and over, I was on my way home.

I am one who goes from fine to done in the blink of an eye when it comes to some people or somethings said. When that happens there is no thinking.  I don’t like it but it’s just how I have always been.

{August 31, 2018}   Went To Bed Early

By 7:43pm me and the little ones were climbing into bed. By about 8:10 we all had went to sleep. I slept until about midnight and woke up. But went right back to sleep in a few minutes. It is now a little after 3 and I have been up an hour. The bitch woke me up again. She really has to go really soon. I can’t have her here no more. I just want her gone I don’t care how or what has to happen as long as she gets out. We got in an argument today I got mad i finally told her just forget it she wasn’t worth fighting with over it. She got mad then but oh well I don’t care.

I don’t know why I can’t sleep probably because I am mad at her and because my chest hurts. My heart hurts, I know it is stress and anxiety. I also have starfish on my mind for some reason. I haven’t talk to him since Monday or Tuesday. Hadn’t really thought about it but for whatever reason he been right there since I woke up this time. I noticed it been awhile since I talk to him. Oh well I hope he is okay. I am going to call him tomorrow when I get off. I want him to check my truck out if he has a minute. Think it needs transmission fluid. I hate messing with that in this truck, the way it is set up I have a hard time. I figured I ask him check it out and see.

Guess I should try to get these last 4 hours sleep before I have to start my day.

{August 28, 2018}   10:30 pm Fight Begains

I can not wait until she is out of my house, it seems so close yet so far away. She better not stop it or put it off and she better have everything she needs done and in because it is going to get very ugly here once the 13th passes. I am telling her whatever happens no matter what it is good bad or other wise she has to get out by the 13 of October. That will give her a month from her date to figure something out. I plan to tell her before then so she has over a month. After tonight she will probably be told tomorrow before work.

Her and my 13 year old the one with autism just had a huge fight. She demanding and pushing telling him to do stuff when how she says what. He was ignoring her and got back on the computer then was telling her to shut up. None of it is her business to tell him or have a say in. Then she comes in here having a fit how he is talking to her and show her some respect and everything. I called him in here he is melting down freaking out to throw her out make her leave and everything telling her no one wants her here .

I did tell him to go to bed but because its late he is to worked up. She told him he can’t play the game for x days. Thats going to be another fight tomorrow. I dont care if he plays. Its not her house her rules or say. So she flip out over that all hell will breakout I am sure probably why I am at work.

I can’t wait for her to be out we can all get life back to normal. I can pick my house up rearrange it get it back to the way it should be. We have let so much go with her here because no one cares but her no one cares what she thinks or how she wants things. You cant touch anything to do anything without her trying to dictate how you do it and trying to fight if you don’t. So we just not been doing more than what has to be done forget the rest let her deal with living in it. Because really its nothing to normal person but her its the end of the world.

Not looking foward to the next 40 some days at all.

et cetera
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