{June 27, 2018}   Fighting with My Mother

Monday night we had a huge fight, to the point the police were almost called. I am not even sure how or what it started over. She started her shit about something. Then started about calling this place and that place to come out here and the place to come get the dogs. Had my kids all upset and scared they were going to take them away from me or they were going to lose their dogs.

She went to her room and just kept on and on and on. Yelling through the house and about money and everything. I finally had enough and told her how it was. I told her I would never help her again, have contact with her or anything else after this. That she needed to get out of here that even the kids did not want her here and ask all the time when she was leaving. Of course it was all lies she says. They just love her.

I also told her to go ahead and call anyone and everyone that she wanted to call I did not care but when she did I would be calling on her as well. Start shit for her. Your fucking stupid she said I don’t have any kids for you to call on me for. I said well I will be calling someone finding out why everything happen with my younger sister that did amd why she did nothing at all about it? How things are now. She swears she didn’t none of it happen she didn’t let it keep going on and right in her own house. Telling me I was lying. I said no I am not everyone knows it. Then she ran back in her room and started yelling at me to shut up like a little kid. And spelling it and crap like she was 5. I said no you had your say and who your going to call and why, now I am telling you when you call and try to start trouble for me that is going to go no where. I will call and start some for you that will go somewhere. Shut up shut up leave me alone, I’m going to call the police on you. I said that is fine call them too I don’t care one bit. I am in my house done nothing wrong.

Then she come stomping out telling me how I was and why my husband left me. I laughed so hard. I said he left me that is why he cried over and over begging me to take him back and not to leave in the first place. How i was fucking my “friend” and my good friend and what I was and how nasty. I said no I wasn’t and haven’t. She saying i went out party all time not stay home when me and him were together not true at all. I said yeah look where its coming from the one picking up women on craigslist and everything else. No it isn’t it came right from your friends. I said yeah I can promise you they aren’t talking to you. Any that have met you one time knows how you are talk about it. That isn’t true she freaked out more. I said whatever go to your whole and knock your shit off.

I said that is why if you weren’t here you would be homeless. Becaause the other two don’t want you or any thing to do with you. They won’t let you come there. The few days you were you showed your ass and had something to say about it there it wasn’t good enough for you everywhere you go. Nothing is ever good enough.

She was at my sisters there was something wrong she couldnt eat cook or do anytjing there. It wasn’t clean enough. Her froemds it wasn’t clean enough there was a problem there. She was at my aunts and my grandma’s a night or two and came home telling me how dirty it was and nasty. How she was. When she was able to go see my brother she talk about how dirty their house was and how they live. I told her no where was ever going to be clean enough for her unless it was her own little bubble that no one ever walked into. Thats not true she about lost her mind.

I don’t know what finally made her shut up go on. Then a few minutes later it was as if nothing ever happened she never said any of it or anything else. Nothing has been said since. She needs mental help. She has problems. She is trying to get social security and every doctor she has been to has noted her mental state even if she was there for something that had nothing to do with that.

I also told her to move where ever she was going to move when she got her money because I was not going with her. I was not moving close to her. When i got ready i was going to move where me and the kids wanted to go. That I will not help her get where we are that I would not be helping her or taking care of her if or when she couldn’t do it herself i was not getting stuck with her and having to do it. She better hope one of these other two will. Oh I was horrible for that I should be ashamed of myself and what I was teaching me kids.

I said nope teaching them not to be treated like you treat people and then turn around and do everything for them .

It went on for a while. Finally she shut up went on. That is the night i talked to my “friend” for 5 hours. He messaged me right after we stopped fighting. I started talking to him I just felt such a calm come over me. It was just so nice to have someone to talk to who cared. Who really cared tried to help or what. I felt better than I have on a long time. Not because of what he said about getting together or anything like that. I felt it long before that.

{January 20, 2017}   Lazy, Rude, Disrespectful

There are about to be some big changes in this house this coming week or two and there are going to be some very unhappy kids. I do not care at this point. I am tired of them being so lazy, rude and all around disrespectful. I am not hard on my kids I expect them to listen, to clean up after their-selves, do their chores and just act like humans not animals. Don’t get me wrong they are well behaved and respectful everywhere and with everyone but at home and I am done with it. They act liked ungrateful lazy ass brats at home. My house is always a mess and/or cluttered. I can go through here and clean it from top to bottom and it can sparkle and with in 24 to 48 hours it is trashed you would never know I cleaned it just a day or two before. There will be toys all over, cups and papers, packages, empty bottles or whatever all over the place. They have very simple rules and chores and they refuse to follow them or do them. It is a battle all the time. Now even the simplest things that I tell them to do they act like I am not even here and never said a word to them. I was so pissed off tonight I told them you don’t want to listen and do the simple things you are asked or told to do and you want to be disrespectful of me and ignore me like I am not here then pack your stuff and get out. I don’t know where you are going to go I don’t care where you go just pack it and get out because I am not living with it anymore. I told them at 7 to get read for bed and get in bed. They had some chores and things to do so I figured it be maybe 8 by the time they got in bed after they did them and drug their feet and toddle off in between and took their time. If they just done them and got in bed it would be 730 or before because it wasn’t that much to do. They had no idea what time it was they thought it was later than that. So not like they just didn’t want to go to bed early. At 9 they were still up running around the house fighting complaining and making a mess instead of cleaning up. That is when I lost it and told them to get in bed now if they didn’t like it here they were free to move.

The oldest will be 13 a week from Monday her chores are to

put the food away after dinner and to load the dishwasher make sure the kitchen is wiped down and cleaned up’

Keep her room clean, she says it is her sisters mess and she trashed it but when I go in there every dresser night stand and anything else in there is piled high falling off with all kinds of random shit. her newspaper for the birds everywhere and other stuff all over.

wash her clothes at least once a week more if she needs something that she didn’t wash or already used and her bed stuff. Her basket is always running over and clothes all over the floor.

she is good about picking her stuff up out of the bathroom after her shower

she vacuums or mops the floors

Her birds are all hers to take care of she wanted them bought them with her own money they are her pet not family pet. She is supposed to clean their cage once a week. I think it has been 3 or 4 weeks since she has cleaned it. She feeds them and gives them water everyday at least.

Next in line Mr. King of Lazy my 11 year old his chores are

to take the trash and things out to the cans and make sure they are put out to the road and brought in. His brother helps with this.

Unload the dishwasher and help put food away

vacuum or mop

wash his clothes and bed once a week. His basket isn’t even in his room anymore not sure where it is and his clothes are all over his floor.

Clean his room

pick up his dirty clothes out of the bathroom and make sure it isn’t swimming in water when he gets done after his bath. His clothes are always laying in the bathroom floor in a puddle of water.

Mr. 6 helps a little everywhere and where he is needed

his main thing is taking out the trash with his brother

picking his stuff up in the bathroom when he is done put the tub toys in the bin not in the bottom of the tub

he likes to feather dust

help keep his room cleaned and his stuff put away not laying around the hosue

Miss. 3 almost 4

She helps feather dust

sometimes helps with trash

helps with the dogs feeding them

None of their chores are hard or take that long to do. Yet there are always dishes left in my kitchen, clothes in the bathroom, toys all in the tub, trash and mess everywhere. They get mad and complain about all they have to do. I know all kids complain and have to be reminded but this is beyond normal kids having to be reminded. They are reminded many times a day I didn’t give them set times to do stuff they can do it when they want to or when I have time and start cleaning I tell them to come do their chores so it will all be done. I expect them to be done every day. Then I can tell them and tell them since they won’t just do it without being told but they act as if i never said anything until I am freaking out and jumping on them. Then they want to get all upset and cry and say I am yelling at them. Well i have asked and told you to do the same 2 minute chore for 5 days now and you haven’t done it or any of the others. Some only get done once a week not even daily and they still just act like i never said a word.

We have a new rule now if they do not get their chores done at night they have to get up early before school and do them. This has helped some with things. I have been trying to clean up and get stuff back in order and help them keep them from having to clean up the huge mess they have made but they still don’t want to listen. I am going to one more time tomorrow try and get them to help clean up and things done. If they do not want to help I am going to just give them jobs and if they don’t finish them they will be up bright and early Saturday cleaning it up.

As for the over all not listening and fighting I am putting a stop to that too. I am working on what to do to put a stop to it. I think from now on if they don’t want to go to bed they can stand in the corner, if they want to fight or cause problems with their siblings they can start doing nice things for them. Clean their room, do their chores or whatever the other wants them to do if they started it. They will also start writing lines when they don’t list to me and ignore me like I am not here and didn’t say anything. If they don’t get them done they can get up early to do them as well. I may just make it a rule they have to get up early before school and write them just because I know they don’t like to get up early.

I have tried taking things away, rewarding for doing their jobs, taking all their stuff away taking tv away none of it works so now we need something that will work.

{December 6, 2016}   Fighting Already

As if everything that I already have going on I had nothing better to do than listen to the two of them tell me about their big fight. I had an exam to take on Friday and my mom calls me at like 9:30 Thursday night and started telling me all about a big fight her and Father of the Year had. She said he was yelling and screaming at her and calling her names. Then she starts telling me how that is abuse and she isn’t going to take it. Over and over for an hour or more while I am telling her I need to get off the phone and go to bed. I am just thinking yeah so what I really don’t care he is Mr. Wonderful and I should stay with him remember. Still thinks if something happens I should let him come here and stay or I should move in with them both there and put up with abuse from both of them.

She said he dirtied this up and that up and they got in a fight about it. He called her a bitch and all kinds of stuff. Then took his stuff and left. She is boohooing how sick she was how dirty it was and she had to go clean it up and he wasn’t coming back there and things. She started about how it was abuse and how he was an lies he has told and how he don’t pay the bills, she has to beg him for the money to pay the rent, he tells her he has it then she finds out he don’t. I said well I told you all this before nothing you say surprises me at all you already knew all this. She just kept going on and one said she figured he come here and want to stay or to stay for the night. I told her he wasn’t here and he wasn’t coming here. I am not getting that started again.

The middle of talking to her he tried to call me about three times. When I got off the phone with her I called to see what he wanted. He wanted to drop this wooden trunk off that his grandpa had made, in it is a bunch of wooden trucks and things that he had made as well. He said he wanted the boys to have them and he didn’t have no where to keep it. He said he screwed up and said shit he shouldn’t have he burnt bridges and that he didn’t have anywhere to stay and didn’t want to carry it around in his truck. I asked him where he was he said sitting towns away in front of his parents house. He said he called them his dad was gone and his mom told him he could only stay there a day or two that was it. I told him he needed to go take care of the mess he left and to try and patch things up with her so he had a place to stay and stick it out until he got caught up on everything and knew what kind of job he was going to have and be making so he could get a place of his own later.

He just kept saying he couldn’t he had done burnt that bridge and everything. I told him if he waited until the next day he probably had but if he went tonight and tried to make it right he may have a chance. He said he was going to go inside and talk to his mom and decide what to do.

Damned if she didn’t call me back talking about it all again and how he was probably going to come back wanting to stay there and how she didn’t want him there but she should let him come back. Then when she gets her money rent the room out and tell him he had to get out. I know she isn’t going to do it as much as she says she will or is. Just like before that in the first call she wasn’t ever letting him come back there or helping him again on and on.

I knew when she was saying it all that she would let him come back and stay. If he come back a week later she would because she don’t want to lose her place and don’t want to have to move over here. If he came back she would let him stay as long as he would and as long as he wanted to because she don’t want to let anyone else move in there and rent the room out because she can not control them like she can him. There isn’t anyone going to move in there and live with her and let her do the things that she does they will move out with in days or weeks unless she finds someone as OCD as her.

We were on there for a while then and he hadn’t called or text her or shown up. I text him why I was talking to her and ask him where he was what he was doing and things. He said he was just going to stay there that night and maybe talk to her the next day. We talked a few times and he text her and ask her if she was up said he wanted to talk about what happen and clean up the mess he made. She told him to do whatever he wanted to do and she wasn’t talking about it in a text or on the phone. I finally hung up and I honestly don’t know if he went back over there that night or the next day. I never did ask either one what happen but he is back over there.

I don’t plan to ask either because I really don’t care and if I ask her she will just go on and on about it and if I ask him who knows if it is true or not. He may not have went back for three weeks and would say he went back that night. I have bigger things to worry about than their spats.

Oh and she told me this wasn’t the first time that he has started and been screaming and yelling at her. But again not my problem.

{November 29, 2014}   Sick Again

My little guy has only been in school since the 10 th of this month and he only went one day last week and none this week. He caught something already and brought it home. He had fever and couldn’t go last week. Then he seemed find Friday and Saturday, we thought he was going back Monday. Then Sunday he woke up with a horrible cough and went to bed with a rash. So back to the doctor we went Monday. She said the rash was from the fever it’s been happening with other kids. But he now has a ear infection and stuff in his lungs. To top it all off my little bitty has a ear infection as well. She said he was contagious until 24 hours after the rash went a way and they only had a 3 day school week so they said send him back next Monday.

My little bitty has been so cranky and clingy it is unreal. At the doctor she got mad because she couldn’t rip the paper off the bed again and throw it everywhere. I took her down and sat her on the floor and she laid on the floor rolled around and cried forever. She was still doing it when the doctor came in and got nasty with her. She even said she could tell she was miserable and that it wasn’t like her. She said she never seen her act this way. She hasn’t stopped since and shows no signs of getting better. I have given her her meds and everything but it don’t seem to be helping. I think she is teething as well as caught whatever was causing his fever on top of the ear infection.

I don’t know what it is with the two of them but they are a handful lately. One minute they are playing great the next they are fighting and I am having to pull them apart. I am not sue to having two this close in age but with such a big age gap either. My older two I don’t remember fighting like this. I don’t know if it is because they were closer in age or what.

I can’t say they didn’t they did fight pretty bad for a while but my younger one was older than my younger one is now. He was about two and his sister was around 3. But my baby now is only 19 months old and she is fighting with her brother. She is a brute she over takes him and he is like twice her size. I don’t know what to do with her. She is so smart and so advacned but at the same time she just don’t care that she gets in trouble. She gets upset if I get on to her and tell her she can’t do that or that it was bad. She cry but then 5 minutes later she is back at it again.

Between the being sick, clingy because they are sick and being loud and fighting because they are sick or because they are feeling better and seem to think that’s what they should do. Ad in everything else that is going on and the fact that my friend decided to visit today. I am ready to crawl out of my skin and pull my hair out. I normally have my one day a week to look forward to out with a friend. I don’t have that this week. My friend is a way on vacation won’t be back until Sunday evening. I just keep telling myself that this is just a phase that it to shall pass in time.

It’s just one of them times that I am giving, giving, giving, and not getting what I need in return. I love them and I know they love me but they can’t give me what I need. Nor are they supposed to. One day maybe I will have that again.

{October 19, 2014}   Tactless he is

Where father of the year works they have houses that they rent out to their employees. They rent them rather cheap because they aren’t really in great areas and they don’t put a lot of maintenance into them. With the way things have been the last few weeks I told father of the year he needed to look into renting the one they have open or seeing if they had others open. Because he will not look for anything and will live like this forever if I don’t say something. He had a friend that wanted to be room-mates a few months ago and he pissed around until he did something else.

I asked him why he didn’t do that he had 101 excuses from he didn’t think he was reliable to they couldn’t find any place to he didn’t have money. All of  which I pointed out was wrong. He is as reliable as anyone else he isn’t going to find someone that is perfect or to many people willing to rent a place with him. He wanted me to let him rent a room here but father of the year is in the only spot I would have to give him. He wanted to rent here because he knows we aren’t going to party all the time take the money and spend it and not pay bills and things like that. He is younger than we are but he seems to be pretty reasonable. We have known him since he was a kid. He came over many times telling us about places he had found, what they were like where they were, how much they were and what they would need to move in. Father of the year would just sit there and listen and never say anything like he wasn’t the least bit interested. Because he wasn’t he has no plan of moving. He tried saying he had no money when he wanted to get a place but that was wrong too because we had been talking about how things were caught up and would be a good time for him to get something.

When I said something about the house the company has he went right to making excuses about it. I will say it isn’t in great shape but he has had options and didn’t take them. The money to move in as he says he don’t have he wouldn’t need as they just move in and start paying rent no upfront fees. I know how he is he would fix it up and clean it with bleach and things from top to bottom so I wouldn’t be worried about the kids going over there. The area isn’t great but it is ok. No worse than where I am really at this point probably.

We talked about this a few times the last week or so and he was supposed to ask about it. Of course every time I asked if he did he say he hadn’t gotten to it hadn’t had time, the guy was out sick. or something. But he has to go in and talk to the lady every morning no matter what he has to go turn his paperwork in and find out where he is out and all. He could take 2 minutes to say hey I would like to know about renting that house that is sitting over there empty. He just don’t want to and hopes someone else would get to it first so he can say he tried but they rented it before he could. I finally told him if he didn’t call and ask her about it I was going to call and ask her and move his stuff over there myself. He don’t have that much wouldn’t take long. Be worth it to get him out of my house. He finally asked but they said the last guy who lived there gutted it. He tore the air out along with pipes and wiring. They found a bunch of drug stuff in it when they cleaned it out. This is the story I got anyway. But the guy is still working for him. I asked him how he still had his job if he did all this stuff he said he didn’t know. I am going to have my friend J’s husband ask them about it see what they say.

I wondered why he told them he was asking about it so I asked him. He said he told her that we had been fighting a lot lately and he needed to get out and get a place. I said oh so basiacly she is throwing me out I have no where to go poor me? He just looked at me stupid for a minute and said no. I said why didn’t you tell them the truth this was only a temp thing that you didn’t move here to stay it wasn’t supposed to last two years or more like it has and that now things have been taken care of and your ready to get your own place. He said well I don’t know they don’t need to know all the details. No they don’t just the ones that make it look like poor pitiful him he has the wicked wife that treats him so bad. Not that this place is supposed to been mine and the kids he was supposed to get a place. That yeah I want him out because again we have holes in the doors and walls like every other place we have lived together. I am so tired of having holes in my walls and doors because he gets mad and decides to put his fist through them. I am ready to just call the cops and let them deal with him when he has his little fits and dose the things he dose but I don’t want my kids to see their dad go to jail and who knows what else may happen with the things he has said. He knows what he is doing and how they all feel so sorry for him. It makes me sick. The way he snows everyone and the way they all believe it when they can see I’m the one here all the time and have the kids 24/7 doing everything for them and taking care of their schooling and everything else. It just pisses me off more and more every day that he is here that he is here and walks around like ha ha you can’t do anything about it. I can’t even find a baby sitter because they don’t want to be around him and he comes home if he knows someone is here with the kids watching them. He pops in and out all day just to because.

{October 15, 2014}   Catching Up

I can’t believe it has been over a month since I posted. It has been one hell of a month and a half. As you all know I decided to pull the kids out of school and home school them right before school started back. We decided to take the first month off and just relaxed. September’s lessons were all planed around September 11. I wanted them to really understand it and how where AL Qaeda  started and things like that. Then we did lessons on September 11 and then about the memorials for September 11. I was trying to put together lessons for October and it has been a flop. My oldest is a way staying with her great grandma so I just printed her workbook pages to do why she is gone. She don’t care if she misses things that we do she is more of a just give me the pages let me get them done. I am having a horrible time finding what works for my son. We have went to try and get services with the school board for speech, language and ot. They have been  pleasant to say the least. They are asking questions and things about what he is learning. I have no clue what level he is really on they are pushing math and I have to keep bumping him back to keep from having melt downs and him from freezing up. I finally bumped him back to 1 st grade. We go Friday to get him and my oldest tested to see where they are and where there are gaps that need to be filled in. I am in the process of trying to get a scholarship for him. I am praying I get it because if I do then I can hire a tutor to help him with his math. It will open up more options for curriculum that I can get for him.

My youngest had a 3 hours evaluation last month to see what services they are willing to offer him. I am hoping that they will put him in school but I don’t know if they are going to or not. We finally go to a meeting on Halloween to see what they are willing to offer. Who knows how long it will take them to start them, probably won’t be until school is about to get out knowing them.

Things haven’t been great between me and father of the year. We went camping two Friday’s ago and it was just a breaking point.  The trip was great minus him being there and the huge fight we had all day before we went. I am having problems with the transmission in my truck. I had to borrow my dads van to go on the trip. I told father of the year we needed to leave by 3 to get to where we were going on time. He tells them at work he will work until 2:30. We talked about it and that I would get my dads van the day before so that we could get it packed and all we would have to do is drop the dog off and go. I went and got it and spent the day running around trying to get everything taken care of that needed to be done before we left. He didn’t get home until about 8 that night I told him we needed to get some clothes washed and things packed and the truck packed so we could leave and get there on time. He just ate and walked off and laid down with the little one. I asked him for the suit cases and he said he didn’t know where they were. He didn’t offer to find them or do anything else. The next day things just got worse at time I should be leaving he tells me when I still haven’t found the suit case that oh he forgot it is baried in his closet full of his stuff. When he got home things just got much much worse.

Then he sat here yelling and screaming at me how I don’t care about my son and how I am and what I am again. I told him how much I really hated him and hated him being here and that I want him out of the house and to get his own place that he needs to grow up be a man and stop making everyone miserable. He started about RC and how he was and needed to do and why we aren’t together why he was talking about how I was. My poor little guy was tell him not to yell at his mommy and to leave me alone. I know my older son could hear all that was said and going on. I feel so horrible over it all. We were in other rooms but when father of the year is yelling it as loud as he could and punching holes in doors.

We got in another big fight again Monday because he won’t find a place. He just keeps making excuses like always and talking about how he is just so worried about the kids. He wants to make sure the kids have a place. Really if he wanted to make sure they had a place then he would have filled out the paper work and turned in to keep the house they had lived in most their life. He was hell set on keeping it until they needed a place to stay then stopped trying to keep it and let them take it. leaving us homeless at the holidays. Or when we were in the last house and he would piss the money a way til everything got behind and we lost the place. Refused to come home so that I could go to work. all the same old stuff that he still dose. Like now sitting over there sleeping on the couch in a pill of clothes that needs to be folded. A bunch of stuff that needs to be done with the therapist coming tomorrow. I have said something a few times since he came in and he just looks at me and walks off. There is so much that needs to be done and he says well just do it. I don’t care. Of course he don’t. Would mean he don’t have to do anything but walk in and out as he pleases have a maid, cook, and babysitter like old times. I take care of everything with bills, schooling, doctors, kids, meetings for services, trips with the kids and the home school group. He had a fit because I didn’t have a sitter for the kids why I had to take one to their meeting and he had to take a couple hours off work. Got mad because they were pissed because he asked the day before. He knew that he needed to be here with them weeks before but didn’t bother to ask until the day before. The other meeting I had he showed up at time for us to be there before he come pulling up.

I can’t take it any more living like this. Friday before we left for camping I was locked in the bathroom sitting on the floor with three of the other kids running around doing whatever. I told him and my friend that I was done. I was calling RC and telling him that he needed to get the baby I would drive her to him or whatever but that I was done doing it. I told father of the year that I was calling him to come and get her and that he needed to come be with the other three because I wasn’t doing this any more. So then he had a fit about that and that I couldn’t call her dad and send her to stay with him blah blah. How horrible I was and how I am. He acts like it is such a horrible thing that I think they should be helping and being fathers to their kids. That I am a horrible person because I can’t be here and do this all 24/7 and never be a way from the kids for even an hour or two. If I get time with out them that I am not rushing to get back home or being called and pestered about coming home more than once a year it is a miracle and I am a horrible person for it. But they walk off and either never come around call or pay a penny for anything or stick around and be complete ass and do nothing but make things harder than they already are or have to be.

My friend J’s husband got a job at the shop where father of the year tows for. I have heard how horrible I am how horrible poor father of the year of the year is treated and how horrible I am. And of course the pity party for him. Yet again I am left being the one that is wrong he is Mr. Wonderful. God only knows what RC told them so I am sure they all really think I am who knows what and only makes them feel that much sorrier for him. Although I’m the one here doing it all why they flit around and do nothing or be asses. I guess I should get off here and spent the night doing things that need to be done around here. Because if I don’t do them myself they will never get done. I have been so depressed that all I want to do is sleep and as soon as I get the baby a sleep at night I go to sleep too. Big reason I haven’t been on in so long. I promise I will try be back more.

{June 10, 2014}   What A Sunday

Yesterday we were having a relaxing day just being lazy around the house. I had stayed up late going through the living room pulling stuff out and moving stuff around. I got a stand for my frog tank and had to make a place for it and wanted to go ahead and move it around so that when I get my fish tank I have a place ready for it just have to bring it in and set it up.

I said I guessed I was going to try to find two kids to watch here at the house. If I did that I should be able to move. He said something about he thought he was the one moving out. I said then you can move either way. But that one of us had to stay in the house at least til the lease was up. That I was looking at putting the kids in school closer to Titusville so I would probably move back up that way.

He started about not being able to afford to get a place and where he was going to go and that I was just kicking him out or moving off and leaving him. That he was doing all he could to maintain here and things. Well he hasn’t done anything to try to get a job making more money. He could move up at work and make 3 x what he makes now but won’t do what he needs to do to do that. They have told him that if he gets his shit together they would move him up. He keeps doing the same old same. It isn’t my fault he thinks he can still do everything on father of the year time and not on normal time like everyone else.

I am not just kicking him out or moving off and leaving him. He has known this since I came back that I was going to get a job and get a place that we are not back together or going to be back together. He is just happy living like this. I said that to him then he was just happy to live like this from now on that I wasn’t going to do what needed to be done to maintain here. That I was going to do what needed to be done to get me and the kids a place and have a life and live. That we didn’t want to just maintain from now on. He started freaking out yelling and screaming at me that I was heartless and didn’t care and that I was selfish and didn’t care about anyone but myself and that I didn’t care about anyone not even the kids. I was so mad. He is jumping around stomping around here in the house yelling this and doing this in front of the kids and where they can hear it. Because I don’t want to take care of him or worry about where he is going to be and live the rest of his life because he can’t take care of himself. I told him no I did care about them that is why I wanted to get a place and do better for them and me. That he knew I wanted to get a job for the last two years and he has yet to offer any options or ideas for daycare or come home when he had a job he could and watch the kids. He said he didn’t want to live like this he wanted to get out of here and move on and find someone who cared about him not keep living like this either. So I asked him why he didn’t do what he was supposed to to move up at work and why he didn’t come home so that I could get a job and we wouldn’t be in a jam every time we turned around.

All I got was he is and he is working on it and how everyone else is and blah blah blah bullshit. Then later he is telling the baby he was sorry he yelled at me in front of her. As if that is going to do anything. She is already scared of guys and won’t let them hold her and gets upset if they try. She clings to me if they talk to her because she isn’t use to them being around or doing anything for her. She was starting to do better and now I’m sure that she will be back to hiding. She didn’t want to be around him for a while after that. But this is what i am supposed to keep living with and having my kids around all the time. I have called shelters and everything else but still can’t get help. I can’t get help with daycare because they tell me with him working and me working and the money I get for my son I make to much. But I don’t have it to get them started or to even find a job. I don’t mind paying for it I just can’t get a job with out it and I can’t pay it until I get a job and get out of this hole and I can’t pay it if I have a job and they want more than what I make in a week. I just want help to get me and the kids a place of our own and on our feet so that we don’t have to have help and need help and we aren’t homeless every time I turn around or behind on everything because someone takes the money and dose whatever with it and don’t pay the bill. Lies about paying it or have to fight and beg to get the money to pay it.

{May 18, 2014}   Just A Blah Day

It’s just been one of those day, as if the lace weren’t bad enough the dog has gotten lose and I had to chase her down. I haven’t been feeling good since sometime up in the night. I woke up with acid from the reflux coming up. Probably TMI but I have been spotting for over a week and feeling like crap from that today. I don’t know why I am I did the same thing last month for a while as well. I know there is no chance in Hell that I’m not pregnant but no clue what is causing it. I have never done it before. Not like I have a doctor or time to go to one if I did have. I really don’t feel like going to a doctor for anything like that right now.

Money has been a mess we had two bills that didn’t get paid because he just didn’t have it this last check. He will get paid again Friday and we will have to pay them. I don’t think he is going to have enough to pay on the rent when it comes up due. That means it will take everything I get the first of the month to pay it and I will have no money again until the first without asking him for it. I hate asking him for money.

I told a friend I would take her about an hour a way to pick something up. When I say something to him about it he has a fit because of the tires on my truck he says is really bad. I have no money right now to buy new ones. I don’t even have money right now to buy used ones for that matter. I looked at them today I was trying to get the size off of them to see if a friend could get me some. The one has a plug in it and it just happen to be the one I looked at to get the size. It isn’t good the tire is splitting down around and away from the plug. I am more worried about that than the rest of them. I have to pray it stays together for the next week and that I can find a few decent used one to put on it. Best of all it is on the front of the truck. Not a great spot for it seeing that I won’t be able to steer it if it does blow.

Father of the year has been a huge ass the last week or more. He has pretty much refused to help with things around the house and then wants to bitch because stuff isn’t done or getting done. Last Night we had frozen pizza’s for dinner. He left for a call and was gone hours on other calls. He don’t have his phone right now so I had no clue where he was if or when he would be home. I still got him pizza. He got home about the time the kids were getting done and going to bed. I was taking care of stuff with them and doing other stuff. He pitched a huge two year old fit because I didn’t cook his pizza and about the kitchen being a mess. I cook just about every night, I get the kids on the bus, run around to two schools to pick them both up early on Tuesdays to have my big boy to therapy for an hour and take all the kids with me. I then pick big boy up early from school on Wednesday so that the other therapist can come here to the house and see him for an hour. I am also the one who takes them all to ball practice three times a week, and stars and get them from the bus everyday that I don’t pick them up early. I still find time to cook get baths, homework, rooms picked up, make sure they have all their stuff for ball clean and uniforms for school make sure the floors get mopped and vacuumed and everything else around the house done.

He wants to cry because he washes dishes at night, does a load of clothes maybe once or twice a week and cleans up the playroom now and then. If he is being nice he may make dinner on his night off or if he is off on the weekend. He acts as if I should just pick up and clean up after him like we are still married or together. He whines and complains that he can’t handle what all he has to do and all this just overwhelms him and he don’t feel good and is SO stressed from it all. But this is the man that wants split custody and wants them all the time to do everything for them by himself and work 24 hour shifts for days at a time why he has them. If he can’t do the few things now to help with them how does he think he is going to do it when it is just him? I still haven’t been told how he plans to go on calls when he has them and has no one there to watch them.

I have been very aggravated with it all and on top of not feeling good I have just let a lot go this week. Was going to get it caught up today and then found this lice mess and been dealing with it. Just like that I have asked him over and over to please help me with it because it is hard for me to see them and the eggs because of my eyes. He says ok has her sit down and then sits there and goes to sleep or whines he can’t pick them out his fingers are to big he can’t get a hold of them blah blah blah bullshit because he don’t want to do it. But then bitches because now the other kids have it. I have picked and picked it and gotten what I can see. I just need him to get anything I may have missed. I have asked over and over on his days off weekends off even he just ignores it. But then bitches because everything else isn’t getting done or whatever.

I should be cooking dinner now and getting the kids baths and heads finished. I still have sheets and blankets to wash and animals to dry but I am taking a break because I am hurting and feeling sick to my stomach.

et cetera
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