{May 10, 2019}   He Has Forgotten

So it is almost 4:30 and he has not shown up to fix my truck. I didn’t figure he was going to but nothing I could do because I have no one to fix it until tomorrow. I messaged him at 12 and he hasn’t messaged or called back. Mr. Auto said he tried to call him and didn’t get him.

I told Mr. Auto and Bff both he must have forgotten who he is screwing over and he is going to wish he hadn’t forgotten. I said he likes to say you don’t take no shit, you don’t play games. I said I am done playing his game and I am not taking anymore of his bullshit lies. I said let my truck not be fixed by 5 and see. It will cost him more than the $50 he made for doing the job. I said it might not happen right now or anytime soon but it will happen. He knows I needed my truck for work this week and left me the way he has all this time and now he knows I need it tonight and that I Have somewhere to take the kids tomorrow and we can only go tomorrow and he is going to do this. Done was forget it before but knowing he screwed it up and won’t even come fix it after we figured out what it is and it take him 30 minutes an hour at the most.

I called the parts store and they said they have both parts in stock all he has to do it take the one off and take it in and trade it. He didn’t have to order anything.

When I was finishing my post about friends I had this thought. It has been on my mind all night and this morning.

Am I looking for someone to grow with or am I looking for someone to fix? 

To me someone to grow with is someone wanting the same things in life as you or close to. This way you can make those things happen together. Your not going to be perfect they aren’t either, your both going to have your “issues” or what but you are willing to help each other out. Be understanding and support.

Someone to fix is like Just Friends, To Broken For More

They have no goals, they aren’t happy in life they feel they have to have someone in life in order to be happy or do anything.

Or some one who can’t keep a job, drinks to much, someone who is abusive or cocky rude, who has a drug problem  spends their day doing what they have to in order to get it. Someone who has nothing and no ambition to have anything.

This is what I think of when I think of someone who needs “fixed”

When I was writing that post I was saying how my “friend” was finally doing something in his life and not just going through his day. He was doing something before but there were a few things I kind if had issues with that he was fine with. They weren’t bad or anything really wrong with it if he was happy okay. I just didn’t get how he was happy but everyone is different. I could of lived with it I wasn’t a big deal. But we just weren’t wanting the same things in a lot of areas. I don’t see it working out between us.

I was thinking about my old friend and Sleeping Beauty and where they are what they are doing or what in life. My old friend I don’t see growing with him even though we want a lot of the same things. But mostly because he don’t want kids involved.

I thought about Sleeping Beauty and my friend J saying to me all the time, you can’t fix him! Leave him alone. My friend at the hair shop saying you can’t fix him.

I keep saying I know and that I’m not trying to. Because in my mind I’m really not. When I thought about him I gotten to really know him. We had fun together, we could just sit and talk together lift each other up when we were down dealing with shit. We help each other out if we needed it, take the kids and do things or he do things here with them. We wanted a lot of the same things in life. Where we were each lacking I felt we filled in the gaps pretty well or could. He works and wants to work he wants the family and all that. He understood i had the kids they come first he felt they should.

Yes he has his problem but it isn’t a all day everyday thing. He can go without it and be fine. I know when he turns to it and does it. It was something we would of had to talk about. He have to be willing to stay away from it. I know he wants to but the hurdles and things he faces with it. I know I can’t make him stop or fix everything for him. Fix that for him. But the desire to stop have better and do better is there. I was willing to be there for him, beside him as support as he done it. Because I know I can’t do it for him or force him to. But I believe in the right situation with people who really care he could and would do it. I was prepared if he didn’t or couldn’t to step back and get out of it. Why I would of waited a while to bring the kids into it even though they know him.

But writing my post yesterday them saying you can’t fix him hit me. I thought was I trying to fix him? Like I said I felt we really messed and could grow together from where we each were. Yes he had this to work on he would have to figure that out and do that.

Then I started thinking so if they consider him needing “fixed” because of where he is what he has don’t have and his issue. I am okay with a lot of things if they want more and are trying to have more. So am I looking for someone to fix and not grow with?


{March 22, 2019}   What is The Difference In

Everyone please leave your opinion or thoughts in the comments. I had a thought today and now it has me wondering. I would love to hear what you all think and feel about this. Have a decision on it between anyone who is reading this.

What is the difference in being with someone you feel you can grow with and someone you feel needs fixed?


{October 18, 2018}   Keeping It

I have decided for now I am just going to keep my truck. Running wise I need the speed things other than that I need the front end fixed. So probably a little over $300 in parts then someone to put them in.

Once I have some money coming in I want to get it painted. I don’t care for the color and it could use a paint job. It isn’t bad but has some chipped spots. I am going to paint it the color of my old truck I think. I like that color. Or maybe the blue on the one I have been seeing around town that I like so much. We will see. I will have to check that one out and see what color blue that is. I think they had it painted because I have not seen that color on one before.

I will just drive it until it won’t go anymore or I have money and find one I want. In the meantime I will work on getting a little Ranger.

I love my truck but it is a lot to drive all the time when I am alone or just me and a few kids. Its a lot of truck but I need the room when we all want to go or have to go. If I get something smaller I will save on gas when I am by myself.

Once I fix it paint it, it will be like a new truck really. I am not worried about the motor because they go forever. I would not be worried about driving it to anywhere I wanted to move at that point no matter how far we decided to go.

{October 2, 2018}   I am In Love With You

So last night Mr. To Broken called me. He was talking he kept saying there was something he wanted to ask me but was scared to. I said what is it it isn’t going to bother me I give you an answer. Not a lot gets to me or bothers me what do you want to know. He kept saying what do you think it is? I said I have no idea you ask if you want but not playing games.

Then he starts telling me how its been 8 years or more since he said this to anyone and took him 5 hours to call and tell me. That he is scared of what I will say and on and on. He finally starts telling me how I know he loves me and what he thinks of me and why and he do anything for me. But I need to know that he is in love with me and he scared to get my response. I don’t need to tell him how I feel right now he will give me 24 hours to decide and get back to him.

Just last week he was telling me how he wasn’t good enough for anyone couldn’t take care of anyone right now and girls should just forget him and go find someone better that can take care of them.

I have made it very clear that I am not interested in anything more than friends and after his phone call before he is lucky i am even giving him a 2nd chance at that. So what does he think is supposed to of changed my mind or feelings toward him now? The fact I have hit rock bottom and he thinks I will just do it so he will take care of everything? He can’t even if he wanted to he not been working that much having issues with his hands and things.

I am just going to tell him my feelings are still the same. I am only interested in being friends. Besides having no feelings for him there are so many red flags and sigbs of him being abusive there is no way I would do it even if I was madly in love with him. I can’t get with someone and just use them like so many do. I rather say I need help I need this much, this is how I can pay it back or when I can pay it back and that is either okay or it isn’t. If not fine I understand I will look else were for help. But it seems men would rather just be used than hear the truth.

{June 21, 2018}   Not Sure What They Done

While I was waiting on it to stop raining boss text and said that my truck was done. I had ask if the other guy said what was wrong with it why I was waiting since I had not heard. All he said was they were working on it they would let me know when it was done. Then in a bit said it was.

Once it stopped raining I walked up and picked it up. It was closer than I thought it was. According to google maps so it could be wrong. I know it was other places I went. But it is only about 1.8 miles from my house. I really thought it would be closer to 3. Not complaining for sure. I left my house at 2:40 and got there at 3:15.

Boss wasn’t there the other two guys were. I ask what they did to it the one didn’t really say anything. The other that said they needed tl bypass the heatercore said didn’t want to answer either when he got back in there. He said the hearter core and bypassing it. I said but would that cause it to do what it was doing? And such a puddle all at once? He just said it’s fixed don’t worry about it. I said so how much was it to do that or what? He said did boss tell you a price? I said no. he said then just take it don’t worry about it. Later boss text me and said no charge for what they did. I told him thank you. So I don’t know if that is all it really was or if they got parts and put on it. I know before I left it for them to put breaks on and starfish told me later that they had ordered the others I had not gotten and put them on too. I had bought front I guess it needed back as well and boss just got them and had him put them on. I was short on money then too. I’m not going say anything whatever they done I am very thankful for because my truck is my life line.


{June 16, 2018}   Truck is Fixed, I Hope

After everything that happen today (yesterday now technically) I messaged My Good Friend and told him. He ask what I was doing tonight and said he would be at his shop at 10. I went about 930 to get the oil and dish soap I forgot to get that we needed. Then he told me he was running late at the pizza place we work at. I sat in the parking lot at the store for a while then bff said she was in the store. I walked in talked to her a bit. When I got outside I seen Good Friend had messaged and called me. He was there at the shop. I went over there, he was doing somthing on a little car. Took him all of 20 minutes or less to do. Made $140. I am thinking I am doing the wrong jobs.

Anyway he finished that we moved everything in and out got my truck in there. He showed me how to drain the radiator so that next week when I am off I can drain it put the soap in there and fill it back up. He says I need to do that at least once a week until there is no more oil in there. More offten would be better if I can.

I just pray this fixes it and I do not have any other problem with the water leaking again. We think it was building up pressure and pushing it out the cap. I just have to keep a check on it to see. We filled it tonight I am going to see if there is anything under it before i move it tomorrow and after i parket at work a while.

{May 19, 2018}   A Little Help

My truck is messed up again. I wish I had never bought this truck. But if I hadn’t I wouldn’t of gotten one because Father of The Year had the money. This is the one he bought. I told him we needed to wait look at others but no it had to be this one.

Now my water has oil in it but I can’t get anyone to look at it. My Good Friend was going to yesterday but had to work both jobs and got into an accident. He is working today until 5 and hurt from yesterday. I don’t think he is going to get to mess with it. I had to tell them I couldn’t do pizza’s tonight because of it. I really needed that money. Even more now that I have to figure out how to get the truck fixed.

I talked to Starfish some today. He said he was off until Monday. He was looking to get out of the house because of his moms old man bitching. We talked a bit I asked him if he could look at it try help me see what was wrong maybe fix it. He said yes but I am not counting on it. I ask him when he said he didn’t know he let me know. I told him I bring it to him or whatever just to let me know. It was about 11 something then. I was hoping maybe we could figure it out and fix it before this evening i could work. But I don’t know what he has going on or what. I know he probably don’t want to mess with it. We don’t really have tools or a place to do it. If the bitch wasn’t here I tell him he could stay here the weekend.

I am still sick, kids are sick. Was up at 3 something with one puking all over my couch. Her bitching when it has nothing to do with her. I just want her out of my house its about to get nasty.

She bitches its not clean enough nothing anyone does is right, everything needs done different or replaced. But again why couldn’t she eat and things at my sisters or her friends when she was there? I have let things go since she has been here because I am tired of her standing gaurd trying tell you how to do everything to do it 10 times or it isn’t clean. I just don’t care with her here hopes she leave but she don’t.

{April 1, 2017}   Pleasant Surprise

I had been talking to my sons therapest about credit and credit scores things like that. Her and her family are trying to move and buy a house and she knows I want to move and get a house in the next few years. She found some problems on her credit and they weren’t little problems they were major have to get a lawyer involved problems because they put things that were already paid on her report and then dated it for different dates. They keep putting it back so she has to get it taken off so they can get their house.

I had said mine was a mess from when me and Father of the Year were together because of how bills got paid or didn’t get paid I should say. She told me to look at mine and make sure that everything was right and if it wasn’t then to let them know it because they have to fix it. That has been a week or two but I hadn’t done it with everything going on. I thought of it for some reason tonight and went on there to see how bad the damage really was and I was very pleasantly surprised at what I seen.

My score was a 544 for one and a 533 for the other company. I know this is not great but it is not horrible by any means and not near as bad as I was expecting at all. I was expecting a 2 or something. The lowest of the low that you could get for bad credit. I know it isn’t good but it is on the top of the needs improvement side. I think that I can get it even higher in the next few weeks. One the one report I see where a company says I borrowed money but it says I have $0 balance and $0 late payment. I have no idea who this company is but all I can put together is that it is from when me and RC got the loan on my truck. It is almost the same amounts and it is the same day. But they are not the company I got the loan from and the one I got it from has already put it on my report so I don’t think they can put it on there twice. Since the information isn’t all matching up with the other I just put that I had no knowledge of it because I really didn’t until I pulled my report and if they are saying they have no late payments and they have no balance how can they put it on my report anyway. That is on both of my reports. Then my student loans from back in 2009 that have been paid with my tax money and with payments when I started school this time are still showing on there. I just sent in on them too and said these have been taken care of and they are old they should not be on here anymore. I am waiting to see what they say about them. If the student loans come off that should bring my score up because it is listed as 3 or 4 loans not one. On my other report it is listed as one and the other one I have already turned in is on there as well. I have to sent them in. I tried to tonight and answered one of their questions wrong so it won’t let me do it on line right now. I am also going to wait and see if the first company takes them off or what I have to do to get them to. Then I can just turn it all in at one time to hopefully get it all off both of them. I had 12 things reported on one site and 10 or 11 on the other most are my loans since I started school. I also have one I have to write in about because it is showing that the loan me and Father of the year had that we paid off on time is showing bad on my credit as well. That one should not be showing bad because we paid it in full and on time didn’t miss payments and it is as old as my 11 year old so it should have came off as well. The company with the score of 533 has all those on it then it also has a few for the hospital and those were paid so I have to see why they are there. I think if I get those things off it would be about half of what is on there and most all the negative but one so it should improve pretty good.

I looked up what kind of score I need to but a house, for a normal loan I am 76 points away from having a high enough score and for a FHA I think you can get if you have not owned a home with in so many years I am only like 36 points away from getting. I hope that I can get all this taken care of.

I was trying to figure out how my score was so good and where all the crap is that I was expecting to see but, thinking about it most of the stuff from me and father of the year is so old it has dropped off. I am also super surprised that my house is not listed on my credit. I don’t know if maybe it would be his since he was the primary on the account or what. They finished that in 2012 so it wouldn’t have come off yet. It seems to good to be true but I am looking at it. I don’t know what to think. I am just hoping they are right and this is an quick easy fix for me. Now I can keep it up and good because I control the money and things.

{March 8, 2017}   On My Own

The other day I had a problem with the truck and it needed 3 quarts of oil. I know this isn’t good at all and happy I caught it before it messed anything up. But it’s worse because I just had to put 3 in it about a month ago as well. Maybe a little longer but not much. When I had to put it in a month or so I didn’t see a leak so I figured it was like my other truck where it would need oil every so often but never could find a oil leak. I had read about it and there was something you could do to try and fix it but I had never tired it. It didn’t need oil all that often so it wasn’t a big deal and the fix was kind of a pain and a home done thing because there is no real fix you can buy and do. I figured I watch this one and see if it seemed bad enough to need to try and fix it or just keep and eye on it like my other truck. Well I didn’t need that much oil in such a short time. I could run it a while and not have to put some in it. It needing 3 quarts in a months time is bad.

Anyway yesterday I was out with my friend Wanda and we left the store and headed back to my house, we seen something in the parking lot so we turned into the store across the street and was going to go back. We decided not to and I went through the neighborhood behind the stores and was going to take the long way around. We got to the end of the street and I went to move the steering-wheel a and it wouldn’t move. I couldn’t figure out why then all of a sudden I looked down and all the lights were on, on the dashboard. I said shit the truck died. I thought the alternator but then said no it couldn’t be because the radio, lights and everything were still working and when it goes it won’t work most the time. Then I thought maybe the fuel pump because when I tried to start it it came on but acted as if it wasn’t getting enough fuel or something and would go off. I tried to call my friend that lived a few blocks over to come look at it his phone was turned off. I tried to call my other friend and her husband and didn’t get them. As a last resort I tried to call father of the year because he is the only one with a truck that I can tow mine with. I figured me and her could drive his and he could steer mine and we could at least get it home and the kids from school before he went to work. Nope he didn’t answer.

I got in it and was messing with it some more trying to figure out how to at least get it out of the road and where to park it. I figured out if I kept my foot on the gas it would stay running. I told her to get in and we took off. I went straight to my friends house who lived close. I figured even if he wasn’t home I could leave it parked there he would know it was mine and get a hold of me if I couldn’t him and wouldn’t have it towed. Him and his brothers were there doing stuff outside. I told him what was wrong he said he didn’t think it was the fuel pump and looked at it. He said some of the hoses were lose under the hood. I may have done that when I was reving it up trying to see if it would stay running and things. He then said that everything was covered in oil and that it was blowing oil somewhere and bad. But he didn’t now where. He cleaned something I forget what now I think the intake filter and things and it started running. He said that the CVP valve and elbow needed replaced. He said the elbow was flat and that may be where it was blowing oil from. He said they were about $10 each and he would put them on if I got them that I had some time to replace them. I got the kids from school picked up the part and it started smoking from under the hood again. I got back to his house and he was in side he couldn’t help me because his wife is really sick and he had 3 little ones to take care of and her. He said if I picked the little kids up and took it home it should be fine he would try to get a hold of me and fix it as soon as he could. He just came out for a minute to get something for his brothers earlier. I picked the little kids up and went home. I had Wanda with me because I was on my way to take her home but was scared to drive it anywhere else. It looked like oil was all under the truck on the ground. Well there was and we didn’t know from where. We got home I checked the oil and it had the same in it that it did when we broke down because I checked it to make sure that wasn’t the problem then. All the oil on his driveway mine would have showed low no way around it. I think it must have been from his brother that was parked there before me.

I decided I was just going to change the valve and elbow myself and get it done with because I didn’t have time to wait for someone else to do it whenever they could. I wasn’t driving it anymore risking blowing it up. I started looking under the hood on the passenger side and my friend was saying it was on the drivers side because that was were he was working. I don’t remember him saying where it was but I knew at the time when he was talking about it he was talking about the passenger side. I was just looking for the flat hose I figured it be easy to find. I couldn’t see it. So then I went and looked on the driver side. I tried to google it to see if I could find a picture or video and all I could find was for different motor or different truck. It was showing it in a different spot than I thought it should be from what he was saying and it said I needed all these tools and stuff. I called Father of the Year to see where he said it was and he was making no since and saying the same thing Wanda was saying on the driver side. I got up there and was looking again ( must have looked good standing on a chair to even be able to reach up in there.) on driver side. I guess I was in just the right spot because when I looked across the motor I seen this little hose with a dimple in it right on the passenger side. I moved over there and checked it out and sure enough it was that way on both sides. I knew that was what I was looking for. It was such a small piece of hose and the way it sits I couldn’t see the dimple from the passenger side. the dimple was back against the fire wall that area on that side and on the side of the hose facing the driver side. I pulled it right off no tools needed and the valve came right out with it. I open the new parts and went to put them on and the new elbow wouldn’t fit the valve it was to big. I tried to get it to work and it wouldn’t I put it on and in and then the valve was stuck in there because the hose wouldn’t stay on to pull it off. I was so mad I called the place I got it from and she said bring it back. I was surprised because it was open and had oil all on it. But she had trouble deciding what one it was and then said that was it so she knew they messed up. I thought they were about to close because they use to close really early, so I asked her because the only way I had to get there was walk. If they were I was going to see if they could have one of the drivers bring it to me. She said they closed in two hours so I walked up there. I took the old valve and hose with me to make sure I got the right one because I had to have it running that night.

I got back cut the hose and stuck it all right on and started it up. It ran great and hasn’t smoked or anything since then. I took my friend home the kids to school and picked them up and everything. I am just happy to have it fixed and to have saved myself $20 because I was going to give my friend $20 for doing it for me.

I have been joking with my friend for a few months about changing the fuel pump myself and she keeps saying no we can’t do it. I told her sure we could. She said her ex who was a mechanic had a hard time fixing the one on her truck we couldn’t do it. I said ok fine you come over take care of the kids and I will do it myself. I told her I don’t have money for all this crap I never have put a car in shop but twice and now I have no one to do it for me I guess I have to start learning to do it myself. If I take it down and do all that then I can put it back up. After I did that yesterday I said see I told you today this, this weekend the fuel pump! She said I was crazy, I told her maybe. I am not messing with the fuel pump right now I have to get other stuff done and it is fine. I don’t think it is going to go anytime soon. I am not sure I am keeping it yet so it be crazy to fix it if I am selling it. I know I won’t get any difference out of it probably if it is or isn’t fixed really. If I did it be not much to make it worth it. I am still going to talk to a few people about selling it. I just have been so sick I haven’t bother with anything hardly. I am still sick.

I need to replace the breaks soon it is coming up on time for that and I joked about that but I have to have someone put them on because that is not something I will try myself it risky if it don’t work. But one day.

I find I need a man for less and less the longer I am on my own and have to take care of stuff. And friends huh I find it funny that anytime any of them call me they have no trouble getting a hold of me and if they need something I am right there but when I call them I don’t even rank answering the phone. My good friend who fixed it when I got it to his house I understand and he has and will help me as much as he can when he can. I know he has three small sick kids and his wife is sick. I have this stuff going on a month now so I know how that is and dealing with sick kids. But everyone of the rest are always coming to me for help with this that or the other or money but I need help and they never answer their phones or have an excuse why they can’t. Over that too. I am going to be less help to more and more people again.

I was so tired and sore when I got done. When I got the new hose I had to get up under the hood of the truck to get the hose on the valve to get it out and then twist the hose onto the other part it went on then put the valve back in. I got stuck up there because I was trying not to knock the hood down on me and see where the ledge I stepped on was but it was back under the truck I had to get turned around just so I could get done. I hurt so bad, I was an oily mess, sweaty from walking. I came in took a shower and finished dinner feed the kids and made everyone go to bed. I fell a sleep at 9 woke up to the dogs at 3 something took them out and went right back to sleep until the clock went off at 7. I woke the kids up and sleep another house and half. I forgot all about my midterm I had at school today I didn’t study or anything for it. I was only at the school for twenty minutes total and had finished it and back in my truck. It was 50 questions and a lot he made way to easy the answer couldn’t have been but the one the rest made no since and weren’t even about what we were talking about. I am sure I did pretty good on that. I have felt better today than I have in a long time when it comes to being rested. But now tonight it is 11 pm and I am wide awake so who knows how the night will go.

et cetera
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