{January 30, 2020}   Home Cooked Meal

The last few days I have been wanting to eat anything and everything. Roast, steak, chilli, chicken and anything else you can think of.

Last night I went to his house after work and Bff came picked us up and we all went to Steak and Shake. I wanted a burger, chilli mac and chicken.

He says you sound like your pregnant and bff chimes in and says are you? I said no, she kept on. They were joking around. They thought I was joking about wanting all 3. I said no I do. So me and him split the chilli and I got chicken. He got a burger and we left.

She dropped us off it was late I felt sick. He went in and got my keys I forgot them at his house. I left too. She called me was like is their a chance at all your pregnant?

There isn’t at all a chance. I had my monthly friend twice since the last time I was with anyone. I always use something.

Today I was talking to him I was like dang I want to eat, i want this, this, and this. He laughed. I said I don’t know what is wrong with me.

Tonight i did not have him make me anything and forgot to get a drink. I ran up to the little store a little while ago got coffee and an egg salad sandwich. I said I home this ends well. Why i trust egg salad from the little store i don’t know.

I thought of it after eating it, I just want to sit down eat a nice hearty home cooked meal. Everything I eat comes from a little store, $1 menus, snacks or what he makes me. Even what he makes isn’t really a meal or what.

I always cooked when I was home or had something in the crockpot. I made soups and stews. I was always looking for something new to try.

All the things I have been wanting are all meals. Hot balanced home cooked meal. Most the time what i get is cold or cold by the time i get to work. Even if it isn’t cold it is just something so I’m not hungry nothing all that good or you want to eat. Then I am eating the same handful of stuff over amd over again week after week.

Even when I am home on the weekend I cook but nothing like I use to. We go out to eat or we make quick stuff we get home late or trying to go somewhere.

Maybe I will get to cook something half way decent this weekend.

They talk about prepare for the storm, get water, bread, canned foods, flashlights, batteries and the list goes on.

They say so if we lose power, if we lose water. Once the storm is over we are not going to be able to get it stores will be closed. Then they turn around and tell you to leave as well. You will need it wherever you leave to. You will need it when you get back.

Now lets stop and think about this logically here. If this storm is bad enough you are telling me to leave and get out of harm’s way. If I do that I am going to go where it is not going to hit. Therefore I will be able to get food and water and all that kind of thing because they are going about life as normal. They are not about to get blown off the map or sink.

If I am leaving why do I want to buy all this stuff and leave it to maybe get blown away? Then I am still not going to have it when I get back or the money to get more because I bought that to start with. If I am leaving why wouldn’t I just wait and see if or what I am going to need and then get it and bring it home with me? Rather than buy it and take a chance on leaving it here or having to drag it around taking up room while I’m gone?

If I wait then I can buy things other than canned things like lunchmeat hotdogs bread and things. If I buy things now the bread is going to go bad before the storm even hits and the lunchmeat you can’t transport or it will unless you want to take a cooler with you. Then again how long will that last? And you are taking up room.

At worst I end up needing stuff for a day maybe 2. Then I take the meat out of the freezer and cook it on the grill. That way we have food and it isn’t wasting because we have no power. I have an upright deep freezer. I get gallons of water line across the shelf in the back turn packs of meat side ways and put another line of gallon jugs infront and let them freeze. Even if power goes out it will take about 2 days before things start to thaw out if no one is opening and closing it. So I still don’t really need to rush out and buy a ton of canned food and fight people for the stuff because if you have a grill you can still cook your normal stuff in the fridge.

Hell one storm we weren’t expecting and didn’t have a grill. We used an oven rack and some blocks to lay it on. Then made the fire under it and cooked a freezer full. The storm was supposed to go past and miss us and turned in on us at the last minute. Or we would of been better prepared.

I seen were people were saying if you don’t use all you buy during the storm don’t return it donate it. Because when it is returned the store has to throw it away they can not resale or give it away. I seen where employees were talking about how much they have to throw away after every storm. It is sickening when there are so many people out there who need it. But people will not donate because they spent money that was for bills and that weeks food. They are now trying to get it back.

It seems that if that much is being returned that we don’t need to rush out and buy tons of this stuff because we aren’t using it. People are finding other things to eat and do things even when the power is out.

I know the storms are bad and could be worse but again if we see the damage they hype everything up to be or other places have gotten. We are not going to have that food it is going to be gone you still have nothing if you stay like a lot of people.

I feel they do this all wrong and cause everyone to panic way more than is needed. I feel they use this to jolt the economy scarying people into buying things they wouldn’t normally buy knowing they will have to turn around and buy their normal day to day things when it is over. That will require more money or the return and trashing of food that someone could of used.

{August 8, 2019}   I Have Become A………

Stress eater, since I am not home and stuck at work sitting at a desk all day and night I can’t sleep when I am depressed or stressed out. It hit me today I am now eating to replace the not being able to sleep.

That as you can see is the XL candy bar I sat here and ate yesterday while stressing about everything.

Today I had to go to the social security office before work, that didn’t go over well. Not the news I wanted to hear or went there to even get really. While waiting on them to sort things out and wait for someone to come over and help the guy that was helping me I ended up being late for work. Why not be later and stop and get food. I didn’t really want food I wanted coffee. But I didn’t even feel like getting out of the car to get coffee so I went though the drive through. I don’t like their coffee I was going to get tea. Then I seen the other places on the other side of the parking lot and figured what the hell may as well get a milkshake. Why your at it make it a large too.

That turned in to two roast-beef sliders and curly fries to go with it. All I have left is the shake and I feel sick because I wasn’t even hungry hardly ever eat this early and nothing like that. Now I just want to curl up and go to sleep and I have to make phone calls find the guys work and just be awake because I’m at work. I slept better last night than I had in a while but it was still hard to get up and I am still so tired.

{April 25, 2019}   Coffee & Water Day 4

I should not be drinking tea and started drinking it again to long ago. The last few weeks my stomach has been bothering me again. I know that my coffee isn’t helping either but I’m not 100% ready ready or able to give that up yet. So I compromising, I have down sized my large like 32 oz coffee to my 12 oz coffee. I have not had any tea since Friday.

Monday I started my day with my small coffee and two big bottles of water. I drank all the coffee and probably not even a quarter of the bottle of water if that. I have a huge problem with water. I can not drink water to save my life. I want flavor, and then I have a problem with having flavor in water because I have a problem with things tasting like things that they aren’t. Because lets face it, flavored water is to me just kool aid without sugar.

Tuesday I had the idea that orange juice would be better. I bought two and my coffee, I had no problem drinking all that. But yesterday I decided I needed to suck it up and drink the water. I can’t drink a ton of juice everyday all day. I went and got the other bottle of water from Tuesday and drink some of it but not a lot. I went to Applebee’s with BFF and her aunt. I didn’t order a tea or any drinks. I wanted to order a screwdriver or something but I didn’t. When we left there I finished the rest of the bottle of the water. It wasn’t to bad but it was hard.

It is 3:30 and I still have a little bit of my coffee left and two bottles of water I bought today in there. I am going to try and drink one of them this afternoon/evening. I don’t know how well that will go over but I hope that it goes over as good or better than yesterday. I hope that by next week it will get better. Because I am always dehydrated I should be drinking water every day and don’t so hopefully I will get use to it and start drinking more than just one bottle in a day and be able to just drink my one coffee and water after that.

Bff said just get a tea and just have a tea on Wednesday nights. But like I told her I just stopped having it Friday if I drink it I will just keep on. That is how I got started back drinking it was I will just have one when I am out to eat or out with them and then started drinking it all the time when I stopped drinking the soda and just replaced the soda with the tea. Really they are the only sugar I have as well most the time so that I think will be good getting rid of all that sugar I have been getting. It will also cut out a lot of calories and I will start losing weight again because I am at a stand still right now it seems. I haven’t weighed myself in a while so I dont’ know where I am now. I should be at 140 or less. I think I have lost some since I checked last a month or so ago because my pants seem to be a lot loser.

{February 15, 2019}   If I Didn’t Waste My Money

The other night me and Little Bitty were laying in bed and she was being something else. I finally said look here you are not a princess and you are going to stop acting like it. Because that is how she has been lately. Like she is entitled to whatever she wants when she wants how she wants. And the being mean to her brother, the things she says to him and the way she treats him and then just like flipping a switch she is all nice and wants to play again. I told her all this is going to stop right now.

Well when I said she wasn’t a princess she came even more unglued. Is that possible? I don’t know but lord she freaked out she was the princess and I was going to buy her that princess car she keeps seeing at the store too.

I told her she was not getting that car even if she did act like a princess. This is a $400 power wheel car. I am not spending that kind of money on something like that. Surely not the way she has been acting I wouldn’t if I had it. I never said anything about money at all to her just that I was not buying that car.

She says to me if you didn’t waste all your money, you would have the money to buy me that car.

I had to catch myself and stop for a minute and get it together because that just went all through me in some kind of way. I finally in a second was able to ask her what she was talking about me wasting my money?

She said all the time when you go to the store always buying food. If you didn’t buy all that food every time we went to the store you would have the money to buy me that car I want.

I was still beyond mad but had to laugh a little. I know where the wasting the money is coming from and while I am mad at her I was more mad at the Bitch because that is the shit she says all the time. That I waste my money and in front of the kids and they don’t know and to little to understand right now. If I wasted my money who pays the rent and bills? Sine I am the only one paying them then where do I get all this extra money to waste and what am I wasting it on? Because other than my Wednesday night I am home or work. Everyone says it, you have no life all you do is work and home.

The fact that she said every time I go to the store I waste it on all that food we buy should tell you that the only time I go to the store is to shop for food and get the things they need. I guess I am supposed to just not feed them and use that money to buy them all the things they want. Oh the joys of being 5 and innocent.

Hell I seen a nice purse I liked while I was i there wasting my money making sure they had what they needed for today since they were off from school and I have to work 12 hours. I put it in my cart and was going to get it because I could really use one and a nice I haven’t bought a purse in a few years now and they were at the thrift store for a couple dollars. I ended up putting it back because I didn’t want to spend the $10 and I felt it wasn’t that great of a deal it was only marked down $4. I wouldn’t normally buy it I would wait to see if it dropped lower but it was the only one they had left like it. I thought I would go ahead and get it since I could use one and still put it back. I even put the $5 wallet I needed back. I was debating what one to buy since the one was cheaper.

I ended up buying two robes for $3 each and picked up a shirt for $3 that I liked. I got Big boy a robe because I figured he might like to have one he had one before and outgrew it he is older now. He may like to use it to go between the bathroom and bedroom instead of getting dressed in the bathroom but he didn’t want it once i got it home. I picked the other up for my Grandpa for his birthday in a couple months. It is nice and I would end up spending a lot more in a few weeks if I didn’t get it then. I figure I will take the other back or hang it in the closet and use it as a gift for someone else down the road.

I was just floored when she said that about wasting my money though. She has been giving me a rally hard time about everything and just being off the chain. I am to a point if her dad was in the picture I would of already told him he needed to come and get her for a couple weeks so I could have a break because I don’t even want to be around her anymore at this point. I hate to feel that way about my kids.

I know some of it is because I am the only one doing it all and we get tired of each other. I am sure she feels like I am always getting on to her more than anything. I know a lot of it is her age and testing boundaries, part of it is I am working so much and not getting to spend as much time with them as they would like. And the fact she wants her dad in the picture and he isn’t and she can’t talk to him or see him. I think she blames me for it or feels that I am keeping her from him.

I talked to the doctor about things the other morning while we were there and she said she is going to recommend her for counseling and gave me papers to fill out and one for her teacher to fill out. I am sure that between me and her teacher we are going to have two different papers because she is like a different kid at school and home.

With not being around the last few days and then dumping a few post back to back just about. I do not remember if I told you all that as of Monday I have lost 7 lbs in just over a week. I maybe down more today but I have not checked. I don’t check often. But I know I checked last week and then Monday at my friends her scale was sitting there so I figured why not?

I am now below 160 lbs. I am very happy. I want to be back at 120/130lbs. I will probably wait until Froday or the weekend to check again. I really haven’t been trying to lose it and had gained some back. But being back at work and back to eating more normal for me has made a huge difference. Because when I am working I eat once a day. And not as much as I do when I am home.

{November 22, 2017}   What They Are Thankful For

Every year this time my kids have to do their Fall Writes on what they are thankful for. My youngest and oldest had me in tears with what they wrote right in the start of their papers. I had to share.

This is my oldest son 12 years old.



This one is my Little Guy 7 years old


This is my oldest daughters 13 years old

{June 6, 2017}   Start Training

Tomorrow I start my 3 days of training. I hope that I can pick everything they want me to know up in three days, the others all have 4 days. I don’t work weekends so I will not be there Saturday. She gave others different days if they didn’t work a day but she didn’t me. I guess it depends what I have to do, if I don’t get it all I will just tell them I need that extra day next week when I come back in. They should give it to me seeing that everyone else gets it.

I am glad she put me at the other store and not the one I applied at to start with. I think it is going to be a better store than the other. I just put that one because it was where I seen they needed help. I think the people are going to be better to work with at that one as well. There is another lady that is a little older than me that was in the orientation Monday that is going to be there and one or two other people. Not real sure about a couple but not sure what store they are at. I don’t think they are going to be at the one I am. She had people from all over the county there, I guess she holds all interviews at that one store.

I have to get up at 5 am to be there by 7 am. I have to drop the kids off at daycare then go there but it is only 5 minutes or less from the daycare. I figure if I leave my house by 6:15 I should get to work about 15 minutes early. By the time I get to the daycare walk the kids to their classes sign them in then get to work. I want to make sure I am on time and everything. She done made it very clear if you mess up the first few days she would just be getting rid of you and find someone else. Being late, not in uniform, missing, not doing what is asked things like that.

I hope that I can get this to work into full time. I just don’t know how I am going to do this when school starts. Between having to get the kids to school and pick the kids up from school, going to class myself. I have one class in person and 4 online. I have to take 6 next term after this and I should be done.

I hate the visor and the apron we have to wear, at the stores they are wearing black ones. I thought that is what we would get but they are a blue almost like blue jeans but old looking and the visor has a red or yellow strip around it or something. It’s hard to explain they are just really ugly and horrible looking. The apron so long and I am so short it is a mess. I am not a hat person and we have to have our hair all pulled up and back. Not a good look for me at all. But it’s a job and it could be worse is what I keep telling myself.

{May 9, 2017}   The Worse Part of it All

I think the worse part of everything that has happened here the last week or so is the fact that I now have to go help my mom and take her everywhere when she needs to go. Friday and Sunday I went to take her to the store it should have been a hour or so trip, not with her we got home well after midnight the first night and after 2 am Sunday night. Mind you I left my house at 7 and she is about 10 minutes away. Her OCD is still over the top, I had not been in her house in a while, she has nothing but her coffee and end tables a plastic table with her laptop on it an some other table with her tv in it. She has an office chair to sit in and no one is allowed to touch it or anything else in the house. She won’t touch her key or lock her door. My truck is dirty because my dog laid on the seat and floor and then was in a box in the back once she passed. She can’t open the doors to get in and out someone has to open and close them for her, she can’t put her bags of whatever she gets in the truck because of it, she only gets what will fit in two brown bags and holds them on her lap. Her floors at home are just filthy to hear her talk about them all from stuff no one else would think twice of. Last night after we go shopping she dropped on bag in the floor so she gave it to me and refused to use the stuff because it is so nasty and dirty and she just won’t be able to eat it now it will just rot she isn’t putting it in her fridge with the rest of her food. .

We ended up going out to dinner because she wanted to and she paid for it, I didn’t really want to but it was just so late at that point I didn’t really care I wasn’t coming home to cook. I couldn’t put my stuff in her fridge because it sat in my truck. I had to go out of the way past where we were going to drop it off at home then go all the way back to where we were going. Never can I go there and just go to one place I have to go to ten before she is done. We can’t go to the store that is two minutes from her house we have to go to the one that is like 10 minutes from her house because the other one is to dirty. But then she has to get baskets and stick in the cart at this one the same as she would the other one because their carts are to dirty. She goes on and on about the kids and what they touch or I put my food in the buggy without getting a basket to put in it first. She goes on and on about them not having their shots and everything else. I am so over it and tired of it already and we have only went three times I think. She never can go in the day time it’s always 6 or 7 at night when she calls and needs to go. Then I can’t really tell her no because she don’t shop and has little to no food in the house. If you say something she starts about not eating and she guess she just won’t eat tonight again and how she has nothing to drink. She talks about how she only eats once a day if that most days. It isn’t because she can’t get food it is because she don’t get food or only gets stuff that is ready to eat so then she don’t have stuff for other days. She won’t cook right now hasn’t in I don’t know when she talks about how it’s father of the years fault and things. He keeps everything so dirty. He is in ways dirty but he is always cleaning if you leave him alone and let him clean not try tell him how to do it or aggravate him. But then she wants to tell you how to do everything thing and you have to do it just how and when she says so no one wants to help her.

Again my favorite thing she started about how horrible he was to live with and how abusive he is and things. Rather you know it or not this and that is abuse and I’m not his wife or girlfriend I don’t have to be done that way and put up with it. How he made her this way now with the OCD because she has post traumatic stress from being with her other ex’s my dad, my sisters dad and her ex she just divorced. Well that isn’t my fault sorry but she had problems then as well and when I was with him he was Mr. Great and I needed to stay with him, I needed to get back with him give the baby his name and let him be on her birth certificate. It was okay for me to put up with it, live with it, walk on eggshells all the time and my kids to live with it, but it isn’t okay when it is her. Telling me how this and that is abuse like I don’t know. Then I say something about why I left him and how I know how he is and things she says well you didn’t tell anyone what was going on or what happen so no one knew. I’m sorry I didn’t know in order for my family to not take his side and to not treat me like the outcast because I left my husband and got a divorce even though many of them have done the same thing, I had to go into all the details and tell all of my personal business. Where does the since come in here, I don’t care if my kids tell me nothing that happens between them and their spouse. If they come to me out of the blue one day and say mom we are getting a divorce I have been thinking about this for a long time my mine is made up, you can bet I am going to be there and support my child. I am not going to in brace their spouse and tell them it is okay it’s a phase, I am not going to invite them to every family get together and treat them like they are my child and turn mine away or leave them out when they say they do not want them there. I am not going to treat whoever they get with next like they are no body and do not matter. I am going to be there to help them support them make sure they are okay. It don’t matter how much or how little they decide to tell me or ever tell me. I will not treat their ex’s like dirt or anything like that not knowing what went on but they will not be treated like Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful.

Between that and then her always wanting to bring up what they just did, what a jam they have left everyone in, how he isn’t calling or seeing the kids, how he left everything and anything else she can think of to talk about the two of them I just don’t want to be around them. Sure it just happen but you know what I am over it, I am over being pissed off at her or him, I am over wanting to hear about either of the two and what they done. All I am mad about is the fact that he is doing his kids this way, I am out of the rest of it and could really careless. I don’t know if you can say I am fine with it or I am at peace with it or that I don’t care I don’t feel any of those things. I feel a little numb I guess or indifferent I don’t know how to explain it, I just don’t want to hear about it or talk about it anymore. They have done what they done and now I have to do what I have to do to keep moving on and moving forward. That is all I am really worried about not why or how we ended up here or what is going on. Because really nothing is going on so there is nothing to do with them I have to deal with other than court stuff with him that is all fine it is stuff that has been a long time coming I just been busy with school and things to do it. She just wants to talk about it and talk about it this and that about it, what they are doing where they are them not being able to find a place or what ever. I don’t care, now call his parents tell them what he did maybe they will help me. His parents do not care, his parents never have and never will and if he has talked to them he has told them he has paid me and whatever i say is a lie. Now it is call his job leave a message and do this or that. That I need to go get the paper work and file it and all this. I know I do I have to do that tomorrow. She wants to me to come get her do all this stuff tomorrow why kids are at school but you know when she tells me about an hour ago. Well I have plans with a friend to take them some places and to stop and do the things I need to do like print all these papers out and send my books and go to the job place. They need to go get an id and go to the job place.

But if I tell her I plan to do this with this person it will be why am I going with them and taking them place? Now my truck is going to be messed up even worse she can’t even ride in it because of this and that. How I am just leaving her hanging. When I should have been able to do all this today had I not gotten home so late and the kids had went to school this morning. Or I could have taken her today and done this all tomorrow if I we had not gotten home so late the kids had went to school and she had gotten up. She says to wake her up after I drop the kids at school. Why after I drop them? I drop the last two at 9 and then I am ready to go do what I need to do. So then she should be up when we get up getting ready and then I should be picking her up a little after 9 so we can go to the bank and the store. But she won’t she will get up at 9 maybe. Most likely she won’t get up until hours later. If she gets up at 9 she will not be ready for hours more at least two. Then when I get there she still will take another 30 minutes or more before she will get in the truck to go anywhere. But when I tell her I have other stuff to do let me know when she is ready she won’t do that either, she will get pissed off not get ready not go and then say she didn’t get anything done because I was busy doing other stuff and didn’t do what I said I was going too. If I wait do nothing she won’t go anyway. I will be done in time to pick the older two kids up at 3 and will have a couple hours before I have to pick the two little ones up. I will go to take her to the store then and if she wants to go to the store and bank then fine if not then I can’t help it because once I pick the little two up I am going to come home for the night. She has money in her pocket then she can order something and have it brought to her. If she don’t want that then I guess she will do without.

She keeps throwing in my face she took care of me when I was so sick and when I was like that. I wasn’t driving everyone crazy with everything had to be bleached down and spotless. I just didn’t leave he house and didn’t want to be around people. Truth be told I was that way because of her then, she was sick and there was all kinds of things going on and I had to take care of everything and my sister and brother and going to school and worrying about what she was doing why I was there. If she would have straighten up then and done better maybe I wouldn’t have gotten that way then. I couldn’t go get something and take for it and she wouldn’t let me take anything to help feel better or get me through it whatever you want to say. Now I know I have my problems I either keep them under control and if I can’t then I go get something and take for it so that it is. I do not bother anyone else with my problems or expect them to take care of me. I go  see someone a couple times a month and I take my pill. I don’t expect her to do anything for me she couldn’t if I needed her to.

Then she keeps telling me how I need to come over there and how much better her place is and why she can’t come to mine and how bad it is. How if I came there we could pay the rent between us until we got money again and then be okay. I think that is why she borrowed money to pay it the next two months because she knew I could pay mine this month and figures maybe next but by the following I won’t be able to and I will have no where to go but to come there. Then I can pay it there. Well I got news for her I will not lose my place and if I do I will not be staying here. I just won’t I am not starting over here again. I have not told her that because then it would be how i can’t do what I plan to do if it came down to it and all that. How I am leaving her. She rather see me lose my place that is more than big enough for all of us and her to come here and end up in her little to two bedroom place with nothing of ours kids lose all their pets and everything just so she can have all the control and say even though I will be paying part of the rent and the rest of the bills and have nothing there. So I can cook and clean at her biking call it isn’t going to happen again.

{May 6, 2017}   Everyone Is So Worried

That Father of the Year is going to call DCF on me and try to take the kids. My mom just messaged me a little bit ago telling me to clean my house they could call at anytime. Or she could think of it and call that it will be to late once they are called. I am not worried about it one bit, maybe I should be but I am not. My house is not spotless by any means, but it is not dirty, my house is cluttered, my house is lived in and played in, but my house is clean. It may need painted but it is a roof over their heads, it is a bed to lay down in a go to sleep, it is their everything that they need. They are healthy and happy, they do not need anything or want for anything that they need.

I do need to get through things and clean it out and get rid of stuff,  I need to get this stuff listed and sold once and for all, but it is not in the way, it is in the back room out of sight out of way. We can cook, clean, wash clothes and do anything we want to do with no problems at all. My kids have already told me they are very happy here with me and do not want to leave me to stay with their dad because their dad isn’t nice to them and they can not have the things they have here at their dads. He yells at them any time he wants something or they do something, he treats them like trash and they do not like it.

I also know all the things that dad did in the past name calling and things to my son and the therapist knows about it, others know about his temper and how he acts acts the things he does and the things he says. They all will stand up and tell whoever that he is not a safe place for them to be. I know that they also look for good enough and my house is far beyond good enough, eve with the clutter ad things that need to be gone through.

I also know that when it comes down to it and they start talking to therapst, doctors, teachers, schools, and other places and they start asking who is always the one that does this that and the other for the kids with the kids and how often do you see dad? Their answer is going to be mom, mom, mom and maybe twice have we seen dad or dad has really done anything to be involved or to seem like he even cared. When it comes to therapy and doctors they would have to say we have not seen dad in years but have hears a lot about dad from the kids and the things he is doing or has done.

Should I be worried maybe but am I no, because I can’t live my life in fear and worry. I know what I am doing I know what I am about I know that my kids are safe and take care of.

et cetera
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