{February 4, 2019}   Wednesday Night Out

Wednesday I went out with Bff and her aunt like I do most Wednesday nights. My Friend knows we go out that night and messaged ask if we were going or not. I told him yes he said he wanted to stop by. I have ask him to go before so not a big deal he knows he can come. I told him okay. Well I decided I would drive myself over there instead of meeting Bff and riding with them. On my way over then he messaged and said he had to take his brother a jack he got broken down somewhere. He said he didn’t know if he could come or not. I told him we would be there a while to go ahead and come when he was done. he said he still wanted me to come over when he got back. I told him come up there when he was back that way and we would see.

In a little bit he showed up, I was surprised really how fast it was because he said it was going to take a lot longer. I looked up and thought that was his car by my truck but I couldn’t tell if anyone was in it or not. I asked bff if there was and she said yes. About that time I looked at my phone he had messaged me telling me he was there.

He came in and sat beside me the waiter came around and he stopped and looked really surprised. He said oh hey um can I get you a drink? Would you like to order food? He told him no and he went and got his drink.

I ask bff later if she seen how shocked he was when he came by and he was there? She said yeah she caught it too. She said I think he likes you. He is the same one we have all most every time we go for the last year. He is always talking to us and joking around.

Anyway we stayed for a bit and then me and my friend left. I followed him back to his place. I told them I would probably be back before they left but wasn’t sure. I would of but they left early.

I went in and was sitting my stuff on the chair there and before I could even sit my stuff down he was all over me. He came up behind me put his arms around me was kissing my neck. Turned me around was kissing me. Telling me he been waiting for me to come over he missed me. We went in his room laid down on the bed was talking. He put his arms around me and started kissing me, we were messing around. Then he wanted to take a picture. I was like I don’t know about that, I never let anyone take any kind of pictures and never take any and send to anyone. I was like whatever why not right. The way I was I did not think that anyone would be able to tell who it was because you could’t see my face at all. I never thought about my tattoos and how he was taking the pictures. He took a few and we went on I never did ask him about them or see them. I kind of forgot about them really.

The next day I thought of my tattoos and that I never seen them. I messaged him after I got to work and had a free minute. We were talking. I hadn’t ask him about them yet. I was just going to say hey you never showed me the pictures you took last night I want to see. But before I could all of a sudden I look down and there is a picture on my phone.

It said looks good. Like it? I was already sending something else so I sent that and had no idea what to say about it. I just said wow because that is what I thought when I first seen it. I wasn’t expecting it and no idea what it was going to be or how. He said told you, you was looking hot there. So do you like it? I said it isn’t bad. It isn’t I don’t care for how my head is but over all it isn’t a bad picture really. But you can see my tattoo. I am really not worried about that though. Don’t know if I am not worried or just don’t care, either way. I asked him about the others he took he said he took three but they were all the same this one was the best the others were blur. That was the clearest one.

He said we could take more, I laughed. He said you like that idea? Then I asked him what he was doing with these pictures and put a little smiley face thinking behind it. He said nothing yet and that they were just for him and send one back blowing a kiss. Nothing else was said about them after that, we were both at work and had to get to work.

I keep finding myself going back and looking at it. I really don’t know what I think of it. Like I said it isn’t a bad picture. I think I just wish I had been a little more into it at the time and it would of been better. I have wanted to take some boudoir photos before but never did. I was going to to get them done for RC’s birthday then we split up and I never really had a reason to. I am always worried if I let someone like him take them or took some and gave someone where they might end up. Not that worried about that anymore really.

I looking at this one it is a good feeling, not one of regret or oh my god someone might see it or why did I do that? It is a freeing feeling. I have always been fine with myself, my body and how I look. I knew I needed to lose weight and things but I never let it define me. I knew when I was ready I would do it, until then this is who I am take it or leave it I don’t care.

Looking at that picture and thinking about all I have been through, all I have done, had to do and still do and all I have lost its like hell yeah that is me all of me, my flaws, my cuts, scares and all. I was vulnerable but in control at the same time. It feels empowering in a way. Like yes I have been through all this but look at me now. I have come through stronger and freer than ever. I have come further than even I realised and healed more than I could of imagined.

It makes me want to do that photo shoot even more than ever now. I may have him take some more the next time we are together.

As I write this and think about it and what amazes me most is……It’s just me and I am hot, sexy and beautiful. Unlike I feel, despite all I have been through, no matter how beat down, bruised, broken and battered I feel. My body really isn’t, it don’t show it, it’s beautifully perfect. I am not the only one who thinks so and from now on when someone tells me how good I look or what I am going to believe them. Because we get so stuck on how we feel and all we been through we forget we aren’t wearing that as a coat for all to see. It’s truly all in our head and our bodies are as hot as it ever was. It is time we take our glasses off and look at ourselves through the ones others are looking through. If that means stepping out of your comfort zone and taking a picture or letting someone take one or standing bear in front of a mirror and really looking at yourself and accepting yourself fully. I suggest doing it. It is so refreshing and good being able to really feel that good about yourself. I want to show it to everyone I feel so good. It is such a huge difference from feeling indeferent or just okay with yourself.

It is amazing what one spur of the moment risky photo can do.

et cetera
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