Single___Parent___Life











{December 7, 2020}   A Day Trip With Sleeping Beauty

Me and Sleeping Beauty have been talking again for a little bit now. Two weeks before Thanksgiving that saturday, I dropped JW off at work and decided to go to some yard sales and things. I had a few I was going to go to then just make my way around to whatever I seen after that. Some how I ended up on the other side of the county than where they were. I was going to go up that way to check something first. Don’t even remember what. I went to some sales up there and didn’t see much really.
Sleeping Beauty messaged me we started talking. He asked what I was up to i told him, and really just looking for something to do. He said yeah he wad bored. He said the flea market in a town or two over was open was pretty busy when he was up there few weeks before. I said maybe I would che k it out. He ask who all was with me? I told him I was alone. He said he would go with me if I wanted. I told him okay I would be there in a bit. I was about 20 to 25 minutes away from him the place was about that from him. I figured maybe we would find something else going on once we got there.
I had the rental car a little Elantra. I pulled up he was looking funny trying to figure out who it was at first. He got in we talk about the car why i had it. We were on our way. We just kind of talked about anything and everything. Wouldn’t you know it started to rain. We got to the flea market there was almost no one there. We walked through and checked out some cars in the parking lot and went to leave. I was waiting to pull out trying to decide what to do now because with rain there would be no sales anymore either.

I thought about it I looked at him and said you want to go to Daytona? He looked at me for a minute said really? I said yeah I have all day and no where to be or anything to do. We are only an hour away or less.

He said yeah why not he had nothing to do. So we were off to the flea market in Daytona. We knew rain or shine they would be open it is all inside for the most part. Some in side in mall like area. We must of walked around the place 5 times. We think we were dome and see ares we hadn’t been and then tried to find our was back to a booth where we seen some stuff we wanted. We finally said okay I think we have seen everything at least twice now if not we don’t even know we are missing anything lets go.

I said something about something why we were looking for the car. He jokingly said you want to go to Bass Pro Shop. I said okay why not. I was thinking of the one at home on the other other end of the county but hey nothing to do waste some time why not. We finally found our way through the maze of a parking lot and got on the street. He started telling me what way to go. It hit me duh they have one here too. We got there and seen a sign for Skip’s Western store so we decided to go there too. Then by one they had all these tents and things set up and music playing. We decided to walk over see what that was. It was a art show there were a few people with crafts, food and drinks. So we walked around and checked that all out. When we were done there we headed home. We were going to stop by the leather shop but I missed the exit and we were not 100% sure where it was. He didn’t know what I was talking about and I just remembered seeing it between his house and where we were almost two hours away. He messaged me a few days later and told me he found it not far from his house. I guess it is new up there we went one way there and part of the way back we went a different way.

We were on the way there or back and JW messaged me. We were talking i said something about it being him. He said don’t tell him I am with you. I said why? He said you don’t need him pissed off at you or us. I said no he won’t care. I already told him where I was and you were with me. He ask what he said. I told him nothing just be careful or what with wet roads and just being off away from home that far alone or what. That i told him he was with me he said oh okay.

Sleeping Beauty said he done get mad you talk to other guys or hang out with them? I said no he has met most my guy friends or knows them from when we were in school. He knows they all message me we talk and things. He knows I’m not out “running around”. I am just out with a friend just like if BFF was with me instead. He was kind of surprised.

But it is true he knows I am not looking to get with anyone else I am not like that. Even though he don’t like him he knows we are friends and we talk. I give him a ride once in awhile and things. That was the first time we have hung out in years other than when the group would get together and he would come. He isn’t the type to say I don’t like him you can’t talk to him or I would rather you not talk to him. He wouldn’t unless he really did something wrong or something happen he didn’t like.

After I got home I thought of the boardwalk. I messaged him and said we should of went. I was home by 330 didn’t have to be until 730 really. I didn’t have to be then JW would of gotten a ride home. But for me that is were I feel it is kind of crossing a line that shouldn’t be. I am doing what I want to all day be it whoever I am with, I feel I should at least be there to pick him up and spend time with him. But That is me. He tells me all the time do what you want to do don’t rush home because of me I can get a ride it isn’t a big deal. If I don’t have to work and I am there if I don’t wake up when he gets up or why he is getting ready for work sometimes he won’t wake me up. He will call his buddy to pick him up on his way in. Once I didn’t feel good and ask him too he rode his bike. I told him i would take him if he couldn’t he didn’t wake me and say he didn’t call him back. He knows I don’t go off like that all the time I always take him unless i have somewhere to be early. Like I said it isn’t like he says you better be here when I get off or gets all bent out of shape i am out or doing something. It is just how I feel about it.

With Father of the Year he would of been mad I went, he would of been mad who sent with me, and that he couldn’t go. Oh if i said I am going to be home later we are doing this or that or even hey accident we got stuck in traffic caused us not to get back he would be going through the roof. It is nice not having to be in someone’s ass 24/7 and them not think twice about and tell you don’t rush don’t worry about it i can get a ride. Oh you got out of the house today did something with a friend thats great glade you had fun. Wish I didn’t have to work but glad you were able to do something. Not someone who thinks you should sit in the house and wait for them to get home like the dog. All just because they have to work can do something too. It didn’t matter if i was going alone taking the kids somewhere or me and my sister doing stuff with the kids. I just flat shouldn’t be doing anything. But sitting waiting until he could go and until he wanted too.

The longer I am away from him, the longer me and JW are together and things happen even as simple as this. I realize more and more how bad it really was with him.

Now that I have rambled on off topic i really need to get off of here. It is 4 am I have to be up at 645/7. It is now just a blink away I should get some sleep for work in the morning. I fell a sleep for a short time and was woke up couldn’t get back to sleep. Hopefully I can now. I will try to catch you up more later today. Until then good night, or should that be good morning?



{October 8, 2020}   What We Did This Weekend

So last week me and JW were talking about his dog and him being lonely. He is home all day by himself and then wants someone to play and pet him all night. I don’t blame him. That is why we have always had two dogs when we were all in school and work.

JW said he wanted to go get him a kitten over the weekend but the shelters would be closed. I looked and a few were open so he said he would see when he was off on Sunday.

So we looked around online at what the shelters had. One wanted $75 for kittens. The other said starting at $25 and they had one he really liked. I woke him up early so we could get everything done he was tired. He hasn’t been sleeping good. I didn’t want to get him up but if I didn’t we wouldn’t get things done. I took him to breakfast and we ran to the store to return something. Then off to the SPCA to look at kittens. They have most the cats and kittens in rooms with toys and things let them run around. It is a really nice set up. We went in a few and the last one we walked in we were both like I like that one and picked one up. We both picked different ones up. But thought they other was cute too. JW picked up a little black one and I had a little orange Tabby.

I am not a cat or kitten person. But When I was younger there was this huge fat orange Tabby that hung out at my grandma’s house. We feed, watered him and loved on him. He was an outside cat. Then my dad had a big fat tabby who was raised by our dog and thought he was a dog. I have just always like the little Orange kitties. I can think of a few other cats that weren’t tabby we had. So there has pretty much always been cats around growing up.

JW and I played with the kitties in the room and decided we wanted the little black one and small orange one. There was another Orange one but he was fatter. His belly was fat, kind of looked like maybe something was wrong.

When we were in one of the first rooms we seen prices on the window. It said kittens were $60 adult cats were $25 and older cats were $5. We were a little unhappy because it said $25 online. We didn’t think the other’s would be over twice that. But one of the employees said they were having a special buy me get my buddy free. So two for $60. We still at that point wasn’t looking for two. But when we found them it just seemed meant to be.

They are both right at 3 months old. Just over from what they can tell. Mine is the older of the two. He was rescued from Mississippi from the storm. JW’s was rescued from the county over from us. His name is Prince. Mine was Burton. I have been calling him Pumpkin (Punk) for short.

When we were looking online we seen an Orange one his name was Pumpkin. I wanted him right away. He was a fluffy Tabby like the one at my grandma’s. And Pumpkin was what my dad’s mom and family called him growing up. My aunt’s and cousins still call him that. But then some how we were on a page of cat’s from NC. To far to go. I found this one I thought it would be fitting. But I don’t know I may change it. I can’t decide.

It was funny because JW seen one he wanted but we weren’t sure where he was at the shelter. We could not remember what room it said and it looked like some had been moved. So we were just looking and figured we would ask if we didn’t find one. When we told the lady the one’s we wanted she scan them to tell us about them and it was the one he seen on line and wanted. We weren’t sure because there was a littler of like 3 or 4 they looked close to the same. But there was only 2 in there and we hadn’t seen the others. We thought we had seen him on a different shelters site maybe. But he wasn’t he was there and they found each other. He loved JW when he came in and sat down he was playing with him then he licked his nose when he stood up was petting him before we went out.

This is mine on the way home. He laid on my lap and slept

His wanted to run all over the truck. He had to hold him in his lap to get him to stay.

They were not sure what to think of the dog. They were safe up here but was still keeping an eye on him. Pumpkin is warming up to the dog a bit now. As long as the dog is not looking at him he is okay. He will walk right beside or in front of him sit close. But as soon as the dog looks he gets ready to fight if he has too. He don’t his spit or slap right away. He waits if the dog tries to smell or touch him then he will. Small progress but it is something. The black one will not get near him. He is still scared.

Sunday night they ran all over the bed messed with me all night. There is no door on the room to keep them out. I was so aggregated. Last night as soon as they started i got up picked them up put them in the bathroom with their litter box and closed the door. JW said they would meow all night we would have to let them out. I guess they went to sleep I never heard anything. They came walking out fine when he open it this morning. Won’t hurt them until they learn to go to sleep or not to play on the bed. They have a towel in there to sleep on and their box.

I am thinking about giving the Orange one to Little Bitty for her birthday. JW say’s I can’t keep them together and with the dog for a few weeks then take him away. I will have to see how they are doing when I get ready.

So that is what we did this weekend. Next weekend I need to get them in a checked and shots. Mine needed his rabies the day we got him but the vet wasn’t in to give it. JW’s was to little to get his. So they gave me vouchers to wave the office visits to get them checked. She gave me one for the one shot he should of had that day. So all we will pay for is the one shot for mine and the two for his. He wanted to take them to our vet get them started there and it is closer and they are open 7 days a week. But I explained to him it was extremely cheaper to get them there and it would be the same as if they already had given them. He didn’t realise they waved the office visits. That is $90 in itself.

But we are happy with our new babies. JW is so cute with them. He just plays and talks to them pet’s them.



{September 11, 2020}   All Things Relationship

I have talked to Bff a lot the last few days. This in turn has had me thinking about relationships and the way we do thing. Makes me wonder what everyone else thoughts and feelings are on some thing’s as well.

I will do a follow up post this weekend with my answers and all of your in put. I look forward to seeing if more of you see things the way I do or the way Bff see’s them. I will give you her point of view on thing’s as well.

Let’s start with the basics.

Do you feel there are things you should know before you consider a relationship/dating someone?

What things do you want to know upfront?

Do you feel there is a difference in dating and being in a relationship with someone?

If so what is the difference in the two?

If not why do you feel there isn’t?

Can you see/talk to others if you are dating/in a relationship?

When you start a relationship/dating do you go into it expecting it to last or just see what happens?

Are you currently single?

Do you have kids at home?

Do you think your answers would be different if you did/didn’t have kids?

At what point do you introduce your children to the person you are in a relationship with/dating?

I hope you all take the time to answer and share. I am really interested in everyone’s answers.

 

 



As I said in my last post JW’s aunt called why we were having lunch and ask us to dinner. She is. Down staying with his other aunt for a few days. So we went over to see them. I had never met them before. I only really know his mom and brother. I met his dad once or twice when we were younger but he wasn’t around much when we were growing up.

Tonight was two of his aunts one’s son and his girlfriend that was there. They were all really nice. It was a really nice night. We sat and talked while we waited for dinner to finish. After dinner we went out and watched the rocket launch. Sat and talked for a little bit longer and now we are home. They were all really nice and welcoming.

I am tired and wore out. It sucks because we haven’t done anything for me to feel this way. But I have drove about 150 miles today. The aggregation of running around wasting time for something that they didn’t have when we were debating where to go and decided to go there just because of the car show since they don’t have it all the time. Oh well. He is watching Black Panther and relaxing. I’m really not interested in it. I think I will go take a relaxing shower, fold the clothes make the bed and go to bed. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I worked Saturday to make up time we missed during the week. Took me 6 days to get 39.5 hours. I should of had 44. I had done 4 hours last Friday to make up for the day we missed the week before. Half day at over time would be more than i would of made had it been a normal 8 hour day. But then we missed Tuesday this week i had to work this Saturday and have them put it on this check to just touch 40. Hope we don’t miss any more.



{August 20, 2020}   Fair Share Of In Laws

JW has a friend well his best friend really that I am not crazy about. I couldn’t really figure out why. He has been nice to me and they always tell him to bring me and the kids over or to parties and things they have. That is were we spent New Years eve. I wasn’t impressed with some of the things I seen going on then with everyone who was there. But I try to stay in the mind set that it is not my house my kids and because I wouldn’t allow it or do it don’t mean it is wrong or my business. I make note that I would rather my children not be there without me or at all or what. I want others to be the same when it comes to me, my kids and my home.

But there is just something else that bothers me. I want to say he tries to hard but not really. It’s just odd. One of those you can’t pin point it but there it something.

Today sitting here thinking about it because he is supposed to go over there tonight and I don’t know if I want to go. I think maybe I figured out a big part of it. He is related to JW’s ex some way some how. He has told me but it was shortly after we started talking and I don’t remember. It sounded a little um complicated or tangled really. I know that she is his sister or sister in law of him or his wife or something like that. The kids aunt or great aunt some way.

To me that is just in laws. Rather him and his ex were married or not. They were together for 8 years or few more. His friends call him uncle. So they are were like family. But they are her family when it. Comes down to it. I have dealt with in laws enough. Dealing with in laws never turns out good. Because just like I told RC, in the end it is their family and that is who they are going to side with. He always ask if she is going to be there before he goes over or waits until she leaves. Then a while back be found out that she was staying with them. For like a month at least that he knows of. Then he finds out that they told her who I was and that that is my house 2 doors away from them. I am not scared of her and really don’t care. But it is the fact they know how she is. She drinks from the time she gets up until she passes out. And she is always fighting the time in between when she is awake. That she isn’t happy they aren’t together and he is with someone else. That she is the type of person that would just walk up and start shit out of the blue for no reason. That my kids are the ones home most the time.

I don’t know I think I told you about someone messing around outside my house in the middle of the night a while back a few times. Once they heard them talking it was a women. I didn’t at the time know she was staying over there. He didn’t either. But I told him about it when it happen. Later another time it came up I said how the Bitch thinks Peter Pan and Windy are sneaking over there washing at night. Or that someone is from things they found or that happen in the laundry room. It is outside on the carport. Can’t see in there without going out there. I don’t think it is them because he knows I will shoot before I even know who it is if I come out and someone is messing around my house. I will worry about who later. No one should be anywhere other than my front door that time of night if they are at my house. Then I will be answering the door with my gun that late.

Well I was telling JW what she was saying but I didn’t think that was it. He said I was wondering if it wasn’t my ex and told me how he found out she was staying there and they told her about me. That she is that way and he wouldn’t put it past her to come over there do something steal something or mess with something. So why would they tell her? They say they don’t like her but she is always over there holidays parties or stopping by. Then they let her stay there. Tell her all this stuff. Seems they are more friends with her than him and two faced. Telling her everything.

Yes they can be friends with both but you don’t find out everything you can and run back to tell the other one. One or the other shouldn’t come up or be talked about to the other. And when they sit and talk about how bad this one is how they don’t like them either and things then act like their best friend to their face. Makes one wonder what they are saying behind ones own back.

I haven’t told him any of this because that is his “best friend” he don’t talk to many people. But it is hard for me to interact with people that I feel such a way about.



{February 10, 2020}   Your Emotional Support

When I went on my walk why they were deciding when they were going to get ready and leave the other night I messaged my Good Friend. I said a few things he said right away are you thinking about your dad? We started talking from there.

In a minute he asked me where my guy was?

I told him I was at the beach.

He said Yes but you are obviously emotional, shouldn’t he be your emotional support?

I told him I was about a 6 pack in and he made a joke and I told him he was looking for the others I guess because he was gone. That I was walking.

He said he guess he should be flattered that I get emotional and contact him.

I told him he was one of my oldest and closest friends. That I could tell him everything and anything and not be judged and he knew how it was.

He joked and said he was just along until I let him hit that and laughed. Said I gave him to much credit.

I said a few things to him he laughed.

I told him he knew I loved him and not because I was drunk.

He said I knew he loved me too or he wouldn’t put up with my crazy ass.

I laughed and told him I knew that.

He said to take him a picture of me on the beach. I told him at that point I was walking down some street.

He said damn you and your late night drunken street walking and that I better be wearing shoes this time. That at least I had someone else to rescue me this time because he wasn’t saying no again.

I told him I felt sick.

He asked if I had eaten. I told him not since about 5.

He told me I should know better than told me but that’s you in a nutshell. Always know better but don’t listen to yourself.

I told him I didn’t care anymore that not one cared.

He said I think you no better or you wouldn’t message me.

I told him he was probably the only one.

He said it is a shame you never really let me love you sent the little kiss face.

I said you always had someone.

He said not always just most.

I told him we never didn’t have someone at the same time.

He said sometimes you just have to break the rules to  really experience life.

We went down that road a little bit and talked then I forgot about him once we got inside. I had to go to the bathroom wanted to get a drink and got ready for bed and laid down. Then I thought of it I got the phone I told him I was going to bed, good night love him. he said you too.

I told JW we talk and that he was my one person that I went to about everything. Because he said something a few days ago about Bff being my one person I told everything to and talk to about everything. I told him no that I didn’t tell her a lot of things or talk to her about somethings. I had someone else and then we got off onto something else and never got around to who it was. I told him that night we were talking. I told him yeah I had known him about as long as me and him knew each other that he was my one go to person. That I did love him in a always there friend kind of way but that was it that we said whatever to each other I wasn’t interested in anything more than friends. That he has tried and tries but there really isn’t anything between us. He said he knew and understood that he had that one friend too. That he talked to him about everything that he was happy we were together or something like that. I kind of fell a sleep. But it didn’t bother him.



{February 10, 2020}   Finally Another Beach Night

Saturday Bff called and said she was going out so I went with her. We picked up JW and went to a pool hall over on the Island. We got there it was packed and none of us really wanted to stay. We left and was going to go to Apple bee’s or this other little place I go sometimes. I wasn’t really in the mood to be out around people. I said lets go to the beach. We can get some drinks and take out there walk or just sit and talk. We decided to do that.

Then she was talking to a friend she hadn’t seen in a while and he decides to go with us. We went back and picked him up and got stuff to drink. We went to the pier where I always go and some lady told her they were closed. I tried to tell her we park their all the time it did not matter she was scared and left. We ended up about 6 blocks or more down and parked. We all walked out there started walking down the beach. Next thing I know we look behind us they aren’t there. They had sat down somewhere. We kept walking for a ways and decided we were ready so we turned around to find them.

We sat and talked for a while once we found them then in a bit they got up and started walking again. I was like wait I want to go back to the truck give us the keys. She wouldn’t said we would leave her or what we would do in her truck or something. I said I am tipsy I am not driving and he can’t either. By then they were away from us.

I had to go to the bathroom and decided we were going to walk up this walk off the beach to see if there was a store or something around. We got over the walk and there was the bar. I said we found a bar and a nice big truck. JW laughed said you and your big trucks. I said yep like my trucks. Lets take that one for a ride joking.

The way the bar is set up it different since it is right there by the beach. Its long two sides then all open on the end you walk the length you come in the front walk straight out the back or vs versa. Most of it you are sitting outside. I said lets walk around to the front and come in because it was crawled in the back and all through the place. I really had to go and did not see the bathroom from where we were. We walked around he had one of the beers we had with is open drinking it. I said they are going to make you get rid of that.

We got to the front there were bikes parked there a group of bikers and the bouncer standing around. I knew they were going to stop him I stepped through them walked in amd straight to the bathroom that was right there by the door. As I walked into the bathroom I heard the bouncer say something to him about his drink. I thought yep knew it. He going to be standing outside or arguing with this bouncer when I get back out there. I come out look around he is standing in the bar watching the fight no drink. He come over we walked out. I said what happen? What did he say about your drink? JW said he told me no drinks outside the bar I had to stay inside with it, I said yes I understand walked in with it and finished it so we could leave. He thought we had just come around the building from outback drinking.

After that we walked back down to the beach and started walking back toward where we had parked. Anyone that has been to the beach knows that if you park walk down the beach it is hard enough to find where you came down at if you walk to far down but if you come up on the street and try to walk back you may never find your car. In the dark you may as well forget it. That is why I park at the pier and walk down. I know when I get back to the pier I am where I need to be. Anyway Saturday when we first got down on the beach I stopped was looking back at the walk, the buildings everything around. He said what are you doing? I said looking around. I was looking to see something that would make me remember where we came down and parked. Off we went down the beach. We got back to where we came down and walked up the boardwalk, he was asking if I was sure that was where we came up. We walked up on the walk stood there talking for a bit and he walked down to see if the truck was there. It was he came back. I thought we were going back to the tuck. I started walking toward the truck and thought he was behind me. I guess he went to tell them we found the truck I started walking because I figured they were who knows how far down and I was just in my moods to walk. I walked up to the street and started walking. About the time I got down to the pier he was calling me asking where I was at. I told him and I kept walking. He said they were coming to get me I told them I was walking up to my old job to go to the bathroom again. They were telling me no stay there everything. I told them I crossed A1A and was almost at my old job but they were closed. By that time they were there. We went up to the little store and then to get something to eat. Her and her friend took us to his place and dropped us off. I stayed there for the night.

Saturday was 5 years since my dad passed and I was already not in the greatest moods. Feeling really depressed and then the kids decided that they were going to fight like hell all day. I Tried to take them out and got pissed off and took them home and gave them dinner and got them ready for bed. I took Little Bitty to bed and made her go to sleep before I left because she was the main cause of all the fighting. Then I left. Bff was going to pick me up and I decided to leave take my car. I called her and told her to meet me at his house instead. If I wanted then I could stay there and would have my car. The mood I was in I was not going to drink at all because I knew it would turn out bad.

I ended up laying in the back seat in his lap and crying. Bff said I was telling them they knew not to let me drink. That when we got back to his place she thought I made him man and he was going to leave me and I was going to have to go home with her that night. I guess me and her friend was talking about relationships, sex, and things like that. Her friend said something about going in and being with him, I guess I said I didn’t want to do him. I didn’t mean it that way, I just meant that we had talked about it and wasn’t rushing into things and the mood I was in I didn’t want to be with him like that. I want that to be when I am in a better mood we are both into it. She said at some point around there he kind of put his hands up and walked away to the house. I told her I didn’t think he was mad that everything seemed find when I had left that morning.

We talked a while before I left and I told him I was sorry and things. That I knew it was a bad time that I shouldn’t have drank. He was just like no big deal, it was fine, I didn’t do anything wrong, they been there, he understood. That I wasn’t going to get rid of him that easy. I had a lot on my plate and to deal with and he just wanted to help me with that and that we all need a break sometimes, that it wasn’t that much of one but he hoped it was something. That is was so nice to fall a sleep together and wake up together and that he was happy.

I love him I feel bad that things turned out the way they did. I was going to get one drank and drink that was it. Then they didn’t have it and we ended up with a 6 pack. I ended up drinking most of it. I drank it to fast as well. It hit me hard.

I told Bff that last year about this time was my bad moonshine night. But that at least Saturday wasn’t near as bad as last year when all that happen. That hey I didn’t scare this one off. Maybe he is a keeper and plans to stick around.

I swear at this point no more drinking this time of the year at all. I know when I should drink and when I shouldn’t just like I didn’t drink New Years eve because I knew I wasn’t in the right place mentally and that it would end up pretty bad. I was already depressed and mad that night too. I told her we needed another night like my birthday a few years ago. When we are all in a good mood and just have a good time.



{January 25, 2020}   Childhood Friends

I don’t know if you remember me telling you about reconnecting with a childhood friend back a few days before Christmas or not. If not you can go over and read Hanging Out and Catching Up.

We have talked daily since and went out I don’t even know how many times now. He took me to dinner after work on my birthday, we have been out to walk the beach after work a few times and he has been out with me and Bff a few times. Few weeks ago me and the kids “ran” into him at the park and hung out for a while.

He kind of surprised me about two weeks or so ago we went out to the beach after work to just walk. It was such a beautiful night out the moon was so high and full. The beach was lit up nice and you could see the water and where you were walking. Most the time it is pretty much black dark other than the little bit of light from the builds in the background. Still pretty dark on the edge of the beach where we walk. This night it was just a perfect night for a night walk on the beach.

We walked a good ways down and I sat down up on the dry sand looking out over the water. He came up and sat down beside me. We sat there for a long time just talking, laughing, joking around, and carrying on. The wind was starting to pick up and it was getting pretty late. He said something about getting up or going. I said I been thinking about it but don’t feel like getting up and moving. It’s just nice sitting here. He said something about it being late and the kids and things. I said yeah I know he got up and reach down grabbed my hands and pulled me up. Then he just stood there holding them. I went to move one for something and he pulled me over into him and put his arms around me and hugged me. He just held me there a minute. He looked down at me just looked at me for a long time leaned down and kissed me. I was surprised but wasn’t at the same time. Oddly enough I didn’t pull away or try to stop him. I kissed him back. We stopped, he looked at me and said you don’t know how long I have wanted to do that, pulled me into him held me again. We walked back up the beach and ended up sitting there on a bench and talking for a while longer. I took him home and dropped him off.

later when I got home he messaged me and said tonight was one of the best nights he had in a long time. He said he was scared to kiss me didn’t know how i would react. He said he was glade i didn’t freak out. That he love the time we spend together.

I laughed and asked why he thought I would freak out he said he didn’t know. I said worried you were going to have to walk back from the beach? he said or slapped. I said I wouldn’t of slapped you even if that wasn’t something I wanted. I wouldn’t make you walk back either. He said good. He said I’m just glad you didn’t maybe the start of something new. I said maybe to him saying the start of something new. He said he was okay with that.

i think we have been together every night since then. I have been going to see him before work and once in a while between jobs I will stop see him grab some food. I stop by and see him after work or we go out. He works as much as I do but does 6 days a week instead of 5. It is hard to see each other spend much time at one time together.

A few days or so after that we were at his house when I got off work we were joking around and things. We were just sitting there it was quite he asked what I was thinking or what was wrong. I  said what are we doing? He said nothing or hanging out something like that. What do you mean? I said I mean what are we doing? He said oh you mean us? I said yes us? He said I hope building something new. He said something I said I guess I am trying to figure out where you stand, what you are looking for or expected. I said I’m not looking for a fling, a one night stand, or to be one of 20 or anything else. He said one of 20? What? What do you……. He said what 20 other girls? I said yes. He said no, no it isn’t like that at all. I don’t want 20 other girls I want one, I want you, I want this. I want this now I want it in a few weeks I want it in few months. I want something long term. I am so happy with you and have such strong feelings for you. He said every day we spend together I feel closer and closer to you and they get stronger. He said you are so busy have so much to do you still make time for me, we laugh, we joke, we play and have fun. We have conversations and help each other. He said I am very happy. He said I know you don’t want to get married again I am okay with that, I know you don’t want anymore kids, that is fine, I don’t want more either mine are grown. I know you have kids, I know they come first, I know you are very busy and we can’t spend time together all the time. I understand they should come first, you do what you have to do to take care of you and them. I am here to support you anyway I can and will help you anyway I can. He said I know you want to take things slow and you don’t want to bring the kids into it to soon or tell them to soon. He said that is fine I understand and you are right. You do have to protect them and do what you feel is best for them as you should. He said I am not going to come between you and your kids or get mad at you for doing what you need to for them and/or you. He said I am going to be here how ever long it takes to get to a point to tell them and them to be okay with it all.

I said because you know we have been friends for a long time. he said childhood friends. I said yes and I like our friendship and don’t want to lose that. I said I don’t want to be hurt again. So if you aren’t in it for more than here and now or just until your bored or something better comes along I don’t even want to do this I wan to stay friends and be done. He said no I don’t want to lose our friendship either I wouldn’t do this for just here and now or anything like that.

When I first said something he thought I was worried about his ex coming back in the picture and him getting back with her. I said no that isn’t what I am worried about at all. I said I know how it is when you hit that point of being done. I said just talking to you listening to you when you talk and all that went on I can tell you are done and I don’t think you would go back to that at all. That is when I said something about being one of 20 others or something like that.

Another time we were talking and talking about moving and things. My lease is up in March I want to move out of my house. I was looking at moving up where J and her husband Jr. are. He don’t want to move. He said over and over he is home he don’t want to move or isn’t. One night he was saying something about it. He said well I say that now but I don’t know what may happen down the road. Later another time we were talking about moving and things. I said I was torn now because I want to move away but then he is here and things. He said for me to do what I needed to do for me and the kids what was best for us and things. he understood. That just hit me wrong and bothered me. We were messaging at the time it bothered me I kept thinking about it for a while. Later that night or a night or so later I went over to his house after work. We were laying there talking across the bed. I said something about it. He said he didn’t want me to feel bad he wouldn’t like it but he understood that me and the kids need to have an easier or better life. If that meant being away from here he understood and things. I said if that is how you feel I wish we never went this far with things. I said it’s like you don’t even care after saying all this just a few nights/week ago. He got upset he said what how are you going to say that I do care about you but you can’t put your life on hold for me. We talked a little more i went home. I wasn’t mad he wasn’t mad just talking and it was late.

Monday this week I think it was I went over and we were watching tv relaxing talking about our day or what. Later we went and laid on his bed my back was killing me and I just wan’t feeling good. I been in the er over the weekend and things. We laid there talked for a while. He ask me what was wrong what I was thinking about. I said nothing. He said he knew i was the way I had been all night. He said just talk to me you can’t keep it all bottled up.

I finally just told him, I’m scared. He said scared? I said of being hurt, I don’t want to be hurt again. He said honey I’m not going to hurt you. I know what the others done. I am not like that, I don’t want to see you upset or hurt, i want to see you smile and be there beside you helping you protecting you. I care to much about you to hurt you. I know how it is I have been hurt dealt with a lot as well.

I said you don’t understand, i said with Little Bities dad we went from i want to get married, i want you to adopt my two boys, baby on the way, taking a loan out on my truck to……..I don’t want this, I don’t want any of this I’m leaving in a weekend. I said I put everything on hold to be with him because we had plans to do things together. He did that and i ended up screwed in the end.

He kept saying I know I’m so sorry that happen to you I’m not them. I will not do you that way I want you in my life I am so happy I want this I want you.

I said i know we just got together trying this trying to see where it goes. We already know each other pretty well so that changes the dynamics of things some. But I have some big decisions to make here fairly quick. With in the next 3 to 6 months and a lot i have to make now and start putting into motion. I can’t just wait until the last minute to do something. He said I know I told you already. I said yes I know but I want us, I want to give this a good chance and make something of it. But I don’t want to go lock myself into things, spend my money and a few days later or months your gone.

He just keeps saying no I’m not like that I want to be with you, I am so happy with you. I want whats best for you and the kids but I want us too and I am here to help you anyway I can with whatever you need if you stay here. I don’t want you to go and to lose you. But I don’t want you to struggle and things either. I’m willing to help you as much as I can and you will let me.

I said so where do you see us in 6 months to a year? What do you want or where do you want us to be?

I don’t remember what he said exactly but basically us together, a stronger relationship, me and the kids in a new places around here, meeting the kids and forming a relationship with them and that hopefully being able to give me more help, me not working two jobs and struggling being home in the evening with the kids. I told him I wanted to work both for a little while once I got moved and would have to in the be gaining. We  hope to get somewhere cheaper than where I am now. So I can only work one job and not two. He said no I needed to be home with the kids and that he would hopefully be helping me more then too. That he hopes that we move in together down the road once the kids know what all is going on they have all had time to adjust and bond some. He said if the kids are okay with it us living together at some point but I know it will take a while. I am willing to wait until the time is right for you and them.

I told him if he was planing on moving in at some point then we should probably work on finding a place together. Then once the kids know and if or when we all decide it be okay for him to move in we will be somewhere that works for all of us. He said yes and that he would like that and wants to help me find something that will work good for me and the kids as well as him.

I told him with Little Bitties dad I was planing a future with him, working towards it and doing everything i could to make things happen. But he wasn’t what happen.

Thats when i ask him where he see’s us in 6 months to a year? That we need to find a house together if we plan to do that. I don’t want to move again in a year i want to be where ever i end up for at least 2 years. (Long term plans and goals.) He has a large dog so we need some where he can take him. Like i told him i put that i have two dogs on the lease put him on it with my dog. That way he can bring him over when he comes and he has some trips he has to take the dog can stay there when he does. Dogs are hard to get in places it is better to get them in when you first move in than later.

We were talking later I told him I think I want to wait until I move to bring the kids into it all and let them know what is going on. He is going to help me move so they will meet him get to know him some then but not a lot. He is just a friend coming over to help me move is all. But this way my mother will be out of the house, I will have my house back to me and the kids. We can relax and have people over do things without dealing with her or her being in the middle of everything and putting her unwanted two cents in. Like I told him I don’t need to hear from her why I should or shouldn’t be doing what I am doing. I don’t need her telling me kids things about me because me and him are together or about him because we are together. I said I don’t know what she is going to say or how she will react and I really don’t care because nothing she says or does is going to change things. I just don’t want to deal with her and I don’t want her saying things to me kids because she gets pissed off or don’t like it or whatever to make them think anything about him. It is up to them all to get to know him give him a chance and figure out what they think of him without her or my input about it all. He said that was fine he understood. I said plus that will put us being together about 3 to 4 months. Once he helps us move they meet him and we are settled into our own place he can come over hangout they can get to know him better.

Once they know we are together and things we can talk about him moving in and things. Like I told him maybe around October or sometime after. Maybe not until the end of the year or this time next year. It all really depends how things are going between me and him as well on if he meets the kids and we tell them what is going on one I get moved. If I am not ready he can hang out as a friend or what until I feel it is right. But things are going really well right now so hopefully they just get better and things work out how we would like. I really don’t want to rush things but I think that if things are going good telling the kids the end of March or be gaining of April would be okay and if things are going well and kids are up to it thinking about him moving in sometime in October or around there would be okay. Maybe a little soon I don’t know. How do we ever know when the right time is? All I can do is take it a day at a time and see how it goes.

But I can say this I am happier than I have ever been. Bff says she has never seen me like this not even with RC. She said it was so different with him compared to me and JW. She says you are always smiling and just so happy. She said you weren’t even that way with RC. But like I told her things were different for me and him because we both had kids and little kids. So we were dealing with a whole different ball game than me and JW. JW has kids but his kids are grown, they are like 18,21 and 22 I think. He is willing to take things slow, he is willing to wait. He understand I have kids, jobs, other things to take care of. He is willing to take things slow and to help and he wants to be there and wants to build and grow. He is looking for a relationship, he isn’t looking for someone to move in and step into the mom and maid roll. That was what RC was looking for really. JW wants to help and wants to be together. He don’t really need or want anything from me. He is dealing with and compromising a lot to be with me, way more than I am to be with him. Like he said it won’t always be that way. Once things settle down they will even out we will be able to be more of a team and things.

I believe him i don’t feel anyway about it. Like with RC i always from the start felt that there was more or something i was missing i needed to know about. I don’t feel that way about him. He was raised different he is a completely different than guys i normally date. He holds doors opens my car door will do anything for me i don’t have to ask. We go out he is always paying. I tell him i can pay or buy my own he gets mad. He says i told you if we go out you aren’t paying for anything. I tell him i know but he cant all the time. He just says he has it i need to take care of the kids. Me and bff went to lunch the other day. I bought him lunch sent him. He was surprised. Bff dropped it of she was going by there i had to get back to work rode with her.

I really think he means what he is saying. I don’t know. Even though i feel he does my mind tries to go over all the reasons he is lying or what he is hiding. I know he isn’t i know its all in my head. I am trying really hard to ignore it. When we are together just quite it wants to wonder to the what if’s.

After we talked the other night something was said about how things are or were that i need to know or what. He said babe anytime you need or want to talk we can if something is bothering you talk to me about it. I don’t mind i understand. It isn’t easy to trust again. Its alright.



I wanted to get this up and going the first week of the month but I have been a little distracted with life and all that comes with it. Some good, some bad but getting through and doing alright. That’s other post later on. But since I didn’t get to really start last week we will get the ball rolling now.

So what does attract you when it comes to love?

This was a hard one for me for a long time and I think I have just come to really figure it out and even out a little bit. I have never been one to really judge anyone where ever they were at in life if they were trying and progressing in some way. I would consider or give a lot of people chances. not because I’m desperate or can’t get anyone but just because I know what it is like to be in hard spots, fall on tough times and know how hard it is to claw your way out of them sometimes.

But at the same time I think that I was maybe a little to understanding, over looked a little to much and helped make excuses. I do believe that everyone can move from where they are and move up if they want it bad enough and look in the right places. But you quickly learn that most are where they are because they are happy there and it is what works for them. Even if it isn’t that great. They have no desire or drive to have more. In order to have more they would have to put in more of an effort and get up and do something. Like maybe get a better job where they are working more than a few hours a week, or somewhere they make more money or they may need to get a 2nd job for a while.

It isn’t easy to pull yourself out of a bed spot. But when I look at where I was, where I have been, how far I have come and the fact that I have basically done it on my own, I can’t feel sorry for anyone or make excuses for anyone really. Because if I can do it then there is no reason a grow man not taking care of anything but himself can’t. I know a lot of single dads who are doing it as well who have their kids full time as well.

That is what really made it hit me one day. I was at the store and two or three grown men come up asking me for money. I am just looking at them like they have lost their minds. Most have nothing wrong with them but they need their next fix, you can tell. It made me mad I work my ass off they are doing this want want money. Then I started looking at others and where they are and what they are doing and where they were and how far they have or haven’t come and it is like is anyone really trying? It changed my views thoughts and opinion on a lot of things.

Anyway back to topic at hand here. What attracts you?

I am looking for someone that first and for most they have to have goals, ambitions or whatever you call them. I am always changing and always growing and always striving to do better, be better, have better. I like to do new things, try new things, change things up. I don’t want the best of the best, or feel like I need to be better than anyone or have better than anyone. I am happy with who I am and what I have at this point in life because I know it isn’t all there is and that if and when I want something different I can make that happen.

It is more about not being happy just existing, not being happy with just getting by or just mundane doing the same thing over and over again. You have to have a purpose in life or it just has no meaning. If someone don’t have that it is a no go for me. I can’t drag someone around or pull them up when they have no desire for anything more than what they are doing. I also can’t be happy just joining them where they are and sitting.

I want someone who is on level with me or damn near close. I do care where you are what you are doing where you came from how far you have come and what you are doing to keep going and get better do better have better or what.

I want someone that understands my kids come first and have to because I am all they have.

I need someone who is going to ask questions and wants to understan where I am coming from why I do what I do. Someone who I can have conversations with and get somewhere not just small talk.

I want someone who loves me for me not what I can do for them give them or have.

I want someone that wants a family not just a fling or girlfriend.



{January 2, 2020}   New Years Eve

How was your New Year’s eve? Mine was alright I guess. I went out with J.W., he was at his friends house that is two houses away from mine. I can stand in their yard and see mine. It was alright, I was feeling very torn and guilty. I got the whole I shouldn’t be going out blah blah bad mom and all that went along with it. I got over there and there were a ton of teens hanging out and running around, didn’t make things any better. I hate to hangout with others kids on nights like that and when I don’t have mine with me. Being with a house full of people I don’t know didn’t help. By the time I got out of the house and went to meet him I was already not in a good mood and not in the mood to drink. I knew if I did I wouldn’t stop and it wouldn’t be good and I didn’t want to be stuck at these peoples house or to go home and I didn’t want to drink like that just meeting these people. But I wanted to drink. I just hung out and once midnight hit I left. I had told J.W I wanted to leave before midnight but he didn’t want me to go. He wanted to go but wanted to hangout there until midnight. It was like 10:30. We stood outside and talked for a long time. Once it got close to midnight we went inside and watched the ball drop and left shortly after that.

I wanted one of those lantern things that you light and it floats away to take to the beach. I went to about three stores and couldn’t find one. We ended up just going out to the beach and walking down the beach and talking. We walked a lot further down than we had the other night. But the other night it started raining. The kids started calling new years and I told them I would be home in a while. We looked and seen how far we had made it and decided to turn around and go back. He wanted to stop and get something to eat on the way home so we did that. I did not think it would take near as long as it did but it took forever even though they weren’t busy. I didn’t get home until after 3.

Over all it was a decent night. I just wish things hadn’t worked out the way they did and I was able to be in a better mood. I messaged him later and told him again I was sorry I just had a lot going on torn and then dealing with things. This time of the year is a really hard time and then to have the holidays and trying to do all that it don’t help.

How was your New Years Eve?



et cetera
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