{May 16, 2015}   Just Want A Normal Life

I just want to feel like I have a half way normal life. Not like everything is a mess and something else is about to fall apart any minute. Really right now everything is a mess and one thing after another keeps happening. I have been feeling a lot better since everything happen January and February. I feel I am able to move on a function again. But for the last few weeks I feel like I spend most days fighting back tears. Before I even realise it I’m in tears or about in tears. It just seems to happen randomly whatever I’m doing where ever I’m at. I noticed when I was working last weekend I was having trouble too. I had to go to a bunch of condo’s out on the beach to deliver flowers and they all had these little tiny elevators, it was all I could do to force myself to get in them and go up and then to come back down. I don’t like the little ones but will get one them. I really had to force myself to to get on them.

I was talking to my mom about it we were laughing and things. She hates them she will take the stares before she will get on one. I was almost in tears just talking to her about it. Thinking about having to go back the next day and deliver more.

I been thinking about it the last few days and I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before or know what was wrong but I am starting to have panic and anxiety attacks again. When everything is going on there are some things that I don’t like or care for that I just do and don’t bother me to much, but when I have them some of the same things set me off. Like the day after my dad passed we had to take my son to get his cast off and we got inside had to get on the elevator I couldn’t get on. I had to wait for father of the year to come inside and go up with us. I had a problem on one when we were going down to surgery they got us in and hit the button and after a few minutes we weren’t moving. It got to me. I think it bothers me more then because I don’t like being locked in and closed in but then when my like this it just feeds it.

I don’t know why I have started having them lately. It’s been a really long time since I had them. I use to have them all day everyday and just cry and cry. I think because I can’t find a job, trying to get everything straight and get in school. Then father of the year being such a ass fighting me on the divorce and pushing trying to take the kids and not helping take care of them. I got the rent covered and some paid on the bills but it is all going to run out in a few weeks and then I have no clue what to do from there. My mom wants me to move in with them I can’t do that. I can’t live with father of the year again for any reason. Not just because of me but because of my kids as well. My little guy keeps asking when daddy is coming home it would just confuse him more than to move again, it isn’t right to any of them. He shouldn’t be going through this now. If everything hadn’t happen the way it did it wouldn’t be odd that he isn’t here.

I just feel everything is out of control and I can’t get any of it under control. The house got messy through December when we were trying to get things done for the holidays. Mostly there at the end the last few weeks, days. Then we went right into New Years and found all this out about my dad New years day. To say the least from that point on the house was the least of my worries. So it slowly went from being messy or stuff being out of places disorganised to full blown wreck everything is out of place and turned upside down. Least for the most part it is clean. Other than the floors really need to be mopped right now. I have been avoiding it because even as soon as your done mopping them they don’t look clean I hate mopping. It’s all tile from one end of the house to the other, I think tile is one of the worse things you can put in a house. Other than the floors everything just needs gone through and gotten rid of and moved to it’s right place since we have moved stuff all around as well.

But I feel like I can’t even get a grip on the house much less everything else. I feel like I can’t get past the cooking, mopping, washing clothes, bathrooms, and over all picking up everyday stuff to tackle the rest of the stuff that needs to be done. We got the outside picked up for the most part there are still little things out there to be done but not much. I just wish I could have a few days without the kids and other things to do and someone to help me just once and for all go through this and get it done.

Even the kids I feel I have lost control of them and can’t get it back. They have chores we set up a while back they are supposed to do. Some every daily some weekly. They just refuse to do them. No mater what I say, do, take away, give, don’t give they just act as if I didn’t say anything and do nothing. Then they complain to father of the year they have to do chores they have to clean the house and do it all. Their chores consist of……

Washing drying folding and putting away their own clothes once a week or as needed, washing their sheets and blankets once a week, one dose the dishes each day through out the day the other vacuums they house once a day, they have to help pick up the stuff around the house that gets laid around, pick up dry up the bathroom when they get out of shower, keep their rooms picked up, feed the dogs take them out, do their school work.

Most of this is pretty simple common since pick up keep up after yourself. The other is your part of a family it’s a lot to keep up with a house and no one person should have to do it on their own so everyone chips in and helps. They agreed to the chores and helped decide who did what with some of them because they didn’t want to take turns doing them.

Now when I tell them to do them they just walk off, whine complain or ignore me. Like they shouldn’t have to do anything. I get so mad but whatever I try to get them to do them don’t work they could careless. I almost feel like I am still living with father of the year because they are starting to act just like him. Of course they have learned from the best what else should I expect. I get to the point that if they don’t care and want to live in a mess then why should I care and pick it all up and do it all after them? But I can’t stand the mess and it just makes me mad. I end up just going to my room.

I just don’t know how to get any of it back under control. Between that and the stress of everything else it is no wonder I would start having them again.


et cetera
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