Quick Update

Things aren’t great but they aren’t horrible either. I am having no luck car shopping, things with Bff aren’t great, Sleeping Beauty is another story, personally I am I don’t even know at this point what I am honestly. I am about to go out and do something tomorrow I have never really done and been against forever. I feel like I am such a funk, I have been for a while and just can’t seem to pull myself back up. I feel like I am drowning in my truck right now. I just wish I had someone here helping, someone who cares what is going on. I have done horrible with money but not all my fault just everything that is happening and has happen. I missed a weeks worth of work and put a ton of money in my truck this month. That ass that called himself “fixing” my breaks drained all the oil in my truck and I almost blew it up. I have slacked so much at my two jobs I feel like crap. I woke up hours before I needed to the other day and laid there having a panic attack over all that is going on and all that I am slacking and dropping the ball in. While I care I really don’t at the same time. I don’t know what to say or do anymore. I just want no I need some time away even if it is just for the weekend. Where I can turn my phone off and just be. I got to get off here and get things closed down so I can get to my other job. I will be back later I hope. I get in these funks and can’t force myself to write. I come here glance around and leave. I have even jotted down notes for a few post but haven’t gotten to them.

Don’t Think I Can Go

I am sitting in my truck at the store trying to force myself to go in and I just can’t. I am supposed to be at the celebration of life in less than an hour and I don’t want to go. I should be going in to get a top to wear, that is why I am here. The closer to time it gets the sicker I feel.

I think because of the time of year it is and losing my dad. Right now was when we were in the thick of things with him and the day of his death is less than a month a way. The cancer all just hitting to close to home. I don’t know what to do. I feel I need to go out of respect at least but I feel such horrible anxiety right now thinking about it.

I left for work this morning but didn’t have to work I’m just bouncing around here and there. I just want to go home and sleep. I gained 5lbs from all I have eaten this week alone. I been eating anything and everything and even buying food. I think just because I am depressed. It just hit me thinking about everything. I just feel like I am in a funk. Couldn’t figure out why.

A Long Day and Night

I just woke up in a horrible funk today, feeling very depressed and down. I woke up at 9 am something and by 10 I was already thinking about starting to drink for the day. I have not drunk in a long time but I wanted to and I wanted to right then and there and to just drink for the day. I cried and cried I put somethings on line people were asking what was wrong and then one of the teachers from Little Bitty’s school messaged me. I talked to her a little bit about the mess and what was going on and things. She did bring up a decent job that I maybe able to get. She said her husband had helped a few people from the school or parents get on. She was going to talk to him about it. I am waiting to hear from her about that because I think it would be a pretty decent job. I am pretty sure it is considered a government job as well. I could transfer it out of here to somewhere else if I wanted to move. I may not be able to move as soon as I wanted too and it has nothing to do with the field I am looking into going into, but if it is a decent job and good pay I would stay here until I could transferred so that I would know I had a job when I got ready to move and it would make the move easier and getting a place and things. I could work it until I was settled and found something else that was as good. I hope he is able to get me on and I can start soon. Even if I start now it is going to be a bit before I get pay coming in but I could work it out and make it happen.

I tore my room apart and cleaned it somewhat. I took the broom to the fans and cleaned the dust and things off. I wiped down the walls they were a mess. Moved all that could be moved and cleaned and mopped the floors good. I had my oldest help me told her I would pay her when I started working again so if she would just help me get it done.

I was still in a funk and spent most the day crying and trying to hold it together and just not care or feel anything like the last week or so but it didn’t work. I had so much built up inside I could’t stop crying even when I tried. Now I am sitting here and it is one thirty am and I am wide a wake, my head is hurting and I am supposed to be doing homework so that I can do some things tomorrow and not be sitting her in the house all day. I don’t have any money but would like to get out and do something for a while get the kids out of the house.

I can really tell that I need to go back on some kind of medication. I just can’t find time to go to the doctor to get it and don’t feel like doing anything. I need to go back and talk to the therapist as well I think.

Dreams When In A Funk

Here we go again can only write a post if it is in some other color than normal. Still can’t figure out why it dose this or how to fix it, so in the mean time until I do just bear with me. 

I went to bed fairly early for me last night, around 1 am and went to sleep right away for the most part. While I don’t remember waking up until around 6 something I did have a bunch of crazy dreams. I only really remember on but all night I dreamed about snacks and something being on me. Needless to say I didn’t sleep well at all even though I finally slept all night. 

I don’t normally dream about snacks unless I’m really stressed and I really haven’t been stressed other than about them coming to look at the the house and I am really not stressed to the point of having crazy dreams. But I was in this really odd funk last that hit not long before I went to bed and seemed to just get worse until I finally went to sleep. 

I text my friend for a little bit before I went to sleep. I just really down and depressed. I don’t know what made it hit all of a sudden and so hard. I just felt really upset and lonely. I have been feeling really lonely for a while now. It will come and go at times it has the last few years, but the last week or two it has really been on my mind a lot and bothering me. I feel like I’m going to be this way forever. 

My friend says it’s steps I will meet someone when I get moved a way from here like I want to be. I tell myself that and would really like to meet someone after I move because if I meet someone here what are the odds that they are going to want to move or be able to move really? But then I feel like I am never going to get to move and that I am going to be stuck here forever. Even with a job bills are so high I really have no extra money to save to try and move. Like I said before here it just seems like everyone knows everyone and everyone thinks they know you before they even meet you or try to get to know you. Or they have their past or habits they either try to hide or don’t care if you know about at all because they aren’t trying to change them. Who wants to be a part of all that really. I just feel trapped I guess. I have applied for two jobs that I would really like to have but haven’t heard anything back. I pray that I hear something soon and it is good. I am going to be contacting them tomorrow I think if I don’t hear anything by then. See if I can at least set up a interview or when they plan to set some up. I was at the one place yesterday and it looked as if they may have hired someone new so I am hoping they haven’t filled it. I had a appointment with my little guy today so I wasn’t able to go in and talk to them. 

I guess that funk just made me have the crazy dreams. I don’t normally have them when I feel that way either, I wasn’t stressed more depressed than anything. But our minds have such a odd way of working and connecting with our emotions you never know what may happen. 

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