{September 11, 2020}   All Things Relationship

I have talked to Bff a lot the last few days. This in turn has had me thinking about relationships and the way we do thing. Makes me wonder what everyone else thoughts and feelings are on some thing’s as well.

I will do a follow up post this weekend with my answers and all of your in put. I look forward to seeing if more of you see things the way I do or the way Bff see’s them. I will give you her point of view on thing’s as well.

Let’s start with the basics.

Do you feel there are things you should know before you consider a relationship/dating someone?

What things do you want to know upfront?

Do you feel there is a difference in dating and being in a relationship with someone?

If so what is the difference in the two?

If not why do you feel there isn’t?

Can you see/talk to others if you are dating/in a relationship?

When you start a relationship/dating do you go into it expecting it to last or just see what happens?

Are you currently single?

Do you have kids at home?

Do you think your answers would be different if you did/didn’t have kids?

At what point do you introduce your children to the person you are in a relationship with/dating?

I hope you all take the time to answer and share. I am really interested in everyone’s answers.



{January 31, 2020}   Not a Boyfriend

I seen something on Facebook today that said she desires a partner, not a boyfriend. It made me think, It seems odd to call JW my boyfriend. I don’t know why it just seems weird to me. But I don’t know what to call him either my friend don’t seem right either. Partner seems weird to me as well. It’s like why wouldn’t you just say boyfriend instead of partner?

I know I probably sound crazy and it is one of those things that I have put way to much thought into. But what can I say it is how my brain is. Maybe it helps to keep my mind off of everything else that is going on. Grab something pointless and think way to much about it.

It isn’t just the fact it is him or what, it is anyone it seems odd to call them a boyfriend. It strikes me as odd when other people say this is my boyfriend other than like kids or what. But on the flip side it don’t seem odd or weird to me if I guy says this is my girlfriend or if he said to someone this is my girlfriend.

So what do you call your girlfriend/boyfriend if you are not married?

{September 11, 2019}   Fresh, But Not To Fresh

While we were waiting to see what we were going to do for the hurricane, if we needed to stay or go and where Mr. 8 spent a lot of time in his room. He was playing with toys and just laying around on his bed. Like me just hanging out bored and waiting.

He came into my room laid on the bed with me and was talking to me. He told me he had decided he wanted to adopt 5 kids. He wanted to adopt three boys and two girls.

He was asking me how much it cost to adopt and things like that. I looked it up on the phone and told him it was free or very cheap if you did it through foster care. He was asking about that, what it was and things. I told him he had to be 21 to adopt that way.

He said well I will get a dog and buy a house at 18 and hang out until I am 21 and can adopt my kids. He said I have thought about it, I want them to be around 5/6 but not 7/8 years old. He want on to say he wants them fresh but not to fresh.

I said what? Fresh but not, to fresh?

He said yeah I want them to be potty trained and be able to do things for their selves like eat and do fun things. But I don’t want them to be 7/8 because that is to fresh.

I asked him why 5 not 4 or 6 kids? Why 3 boys and two girls? why not more girls, less boys?

He explained that 5 kids would be enough chose how much did I think he could handle? He thought he could handle 5 but not more. He said he is a boy and knows about boys more than girls so that was why he wanted 3 boys and only two girls.

He is such a sweet, caring and thoughtful little guy. I hope he stays that way. I hope he grows up and does get to adopt and have his 5 kids. Maybe by then he will decide that he wants a wife or girlfriend. For the last few years and even now he has said he don’t want a girlfriend or wife he will just have a dog they are less trouble. Oh and he don’t have to kiss them and a girlfriend or wife will want him to kiss them and that is just weird.

My oldest mr. , Mr. 13 wants to have an orphanage when he is older and all the kids are going to get a pet and he is going to take pictures of them and show people to find them a home.

{August 8, 2018}   Need Some One To Love You

I was talking to a friend last night. Well not really a friend, not sure what you would call him really. I have never met him he is a friend of Bff, her family has know him a long time. Some how we became friends on line back after me and RC broke up. Once in a while we will message and talk. Last night we got to talking some how.

He isn’t happy with his wife and they are living together in the same house but not together so he says. I don’t know I don’t care, I am not interested in him. We just talk he tries get me to go out or meet him here or there. I just tell him no. Not what I am looking for.

Yesterday I said you have an ol lady. He says his we aren’t together just here for my son and until I find the right one that I love and who loves me. I said no women wants to here I’m just with my wife or living here until I find someone else. Are you crazy? Well all relationships are different I try not to look to much into them. I said yeah not what I am looking for. Why why not blah blah.

I did not date for a long time because I truely was just stuck living like roommates with my ex and fighting him for divorce. Why would anyone want someone in that situation and how would you trust someone in that situation? I could not do it and after thinking about it, it was like why would I want a guy willing to date someone in that situation? Odds are they are not going to be on the up and up either. I just at that point decided to do what I needed to do for me and the kids and to get my divorce done.

But anyway we were talking in general about dating and relationships and things. He said your friend isn’t doing his job or a good job. You need a new one. I said no I need a man not a friend. I am over having a friend. Being a lone.

He said…You just haven’t had a man to love you before he fucks you and makes you feel loved always…..

I looked at it and it made me cry just about thinking about it. Because I don’t know if any of my ex’s really loved me or if they loved the idea of what I could do for them. Like take care of the house and kids and things. I do think that RC did but, I don’t know if any of tje other did and I know the ones I been talking to and getting to know don’t. I think Starfish cares, love I don’t know.

I just messaged him back no one loves me not good enough for that. He said I just need to give someone a chance let someone in. I can’t just give up.

How many am I supposed to let in and give a chance to? To just still be sitting here a lone. I feel like I put in all this time just getting to know them it goes no where. I feel like I am wasting my time.

I am still stuck between getting my shit together then trying again and maybe just finding someone and letting it all sort itself out like my friend said.

What one is better the one that walks in when everything is going great and wants to join in? Or the one that walks in when everything has went to hell and wants to help you clean up the mess and sticks around? I just don’t know.

My friend knows where I am and where I have been and gone through he still wants me knowing where I am now and that I am sinking. He offered even to just rent a room to help me out. I just can’t get past the other things. I still feel like I want to talk to him, but to say what? What is it going to accomplish if I do? Do I really want to be with him? Would I really be happy in the long run with him? I think I could be happy but always feel I settled.

{July 10, 2018}   We Need a Face to Face Talk

While talking to my cousin about all this and trying to start researching this and planing it I thought of something else. Without even thinking I asked her what kind of jobs there were for guys and if they had a lot open or easy for them. She said yes. She asked if it was a boyfriend?

I told her no a friend for now. But we have been talking for almost a year. That it is kind of being danced around.

I know how I feel and know how he acts and comments he makes. I think he feels the same but scared or nervous still. Just like last week he was telling me come over what we could do. Tonight I said I was sick wanted to go home curl up snuggle up go to sleep. He said that would be nice if he could be there or something like that.

I need to get with him face to face where we have time to sit and talk uninterrupted. I am going to lay it all out there on the line spell it out.

I am going to tell him I am in love with him. Not for anything he has, not for anything he can do for me, not for anything he has done or can do.

But with him the person, what I know, what I have seen, what I see in him, what I can see us having and doing and building together.

I am also going to tell him that I think we both need a new start. A new start away from here, away from the drama, the drugs, the toxic “friends” and “family”. I am going to tell him my plan and everything. Then I am going to tell him think about it and let me know where he stands. If we are something he wants to give a shot and if moving is something he is willi n g to do since we can’t make it here?

If he does I am going to tell him start saving and getting prepared. I am not telling anyone we are together or that he is going when we go. I am not even telling the kids until we are loaded say our final good byes and hit the road. I will stop tell them and tell them we are going to pick him up and go get him.

I am telling my family very little about anything including where I am going fowarding address or anything. I do not want to be followed and I do not want to be bothered with my mother. Like I told her once she is no longer living with me i no longer have a reason to have contact with her. I won’t. I won’t change my number but I will the kids and not answer or block her.

But I also don’t need anyone else trying to start drama for either of us or just being in everything being nosie. Once we are gone let them talk.

I am going to get a hold of Sleeping Beauty tomorrow and tell him I need to talk to him in person. This week or early next. Soon as I have a ride. I can pick him up after work one night we can go somewhere and talk. Then I can take him home. No one has to run down here to get him. I just say I was called in to work. So no one is questioning anything.

I just want to send him a text right now and tell him how I feel. But I think it is better to tell him in person. I am just in this mood tonight. Work sucked I was called in to a mess on my day off. Then deal with rude customer after rude customer. Then come home and deal with her. It is like okay I am done living this way, I am done not living my life because I am living this way, i am tired of being scared to tell people how I feel unless I am pissed off at them or mad. Just in this lets just get it done moods. Pack and go, toss everything and go, lets go see father of the year with these papers. Lets just do, do. Fuck everyone I hope it last for awhile.

{June 29, 2018}   All Figured Out

Well last night I thought I had everything figured out. I decided that getting into a relationship with my “friend” at this point probably wasn’t the best idea. Seeing as I would be giving up things that not only I want but that the kids want as well. In order to be in that realtionship. Knowing that we are not even really close to being on the same page in an area that is important. I am sure we could probably come to a compromise some how. But if not I don’t see it leasting long.

But if we did and it went somewhere, he don’t want to move, he really can’t, he has a good job and his daughter here. I would not ask him to leave her or expect him to. But moving is so important to me and the kids. We need away from things here. We have goals we are working on. I think we all be happy if we got together and it worked out but there still be that want to just get away from here. It seems like it is so close for me right now. Do I give up or postpone what I want or working for yet again because I end up with someone? I feel like I did that with Peter Pan and R.C. and that I just lose myslef when I do that because I give up what I want just to make things easier or everyone else happy. Not that I am not happy at the time but then it always seems to blow up in my face and I end up struggling with no help. Maybe it is time to find someone on the same page goal wise or with moving and making sure I can do what I feel I need or want to do for me as well as everyone else and who is willing to help make that happen just as I am with them.

I had decided for a few reasons that Starfish was probably better option. Sounds so bad option. I don’t know the word I am looking for right now. But that over all if he is interested we be looking for more the samethings. We have talked and talk about wanting to move and live somewhere different. Just like before when he was talking about wanting to go when we weren’t even together. He is able to do that if he wants he and in other areas that my “friend” was looking for different things than me we are on the same pages there. He knows my kids has spent time with them. They like him and things. Just seems better all around.

I had decided I would probably tell him the next time I see him and how. Then my “friend” sent me that this morning. I think it be great to have him rent the room over all if our history wasn’t there.

But then if I am 100% honest it would be nice to settle down have someone. Who does care and who has been around and knows and things. I don’t know they are the same in so many ways and so different in so many ways and our relationships are different. It is so hard to figure out the right thing to do.

I also worry what if I tell him no, don’t say anything or bring it back up or give it a try and decide to go with the other one amd that don’t work out? Then I have blown it with this one. Not that I am looking for him to wait or still feel the same later. It don’t work that way, I know. I really don’t want to hurt my “friend” because we are friends have been for so long even before all this. I do care about him and have feelings for him. I just don’t feel we are comparable. (There it is the word I was looking for.) Me and Starfish are more comparable not better option. Anyway, I don’t want to hurt him or change our friendship and things. We had this talk not long before me and R.C. got together and then that disagreements happen and then I met R.C. I guess I feel like maybe I am doing the wrong thing by not doing it now since I feel the way I do and that he is going to give up like I said earlier. He is offering for the 3rd time. Is that a sign? I going to have to really look at a lot and consider a lot.

Surprisingly the thought of being with either one doesn’t bother me or “scare” me. It is kind of a here it is you want it, your not doing anything to make it happen, these are the ones you want now decide and do something no more sitting and waiting. If that makes since.

{June 29, 2018}   Help Each Other Out

I have not heard from my “friend” since we talked all that time the other night. Then he messaged me today.

He ask if my mom is staying here and if I had a room for rent. He said make room for him to stay and he would move in and give me $500 a month for rent. He said he would help me out with rides until I could get the parts to fix my truck and he would do the work once I got them. He wants to go get a car and needs to show more money than he does right now. If he was staying somewhere cheaper then he show more money a month to put on a car. He wants to go get one tomorrow. I would still have to get to work but he could pick me up at night amd when I was off I could get places I needed to go.

I told him I had a big back room i been trying to rent before. That if i could get someone in there to pay $500 I could trust I would be doing really good. But that I have her here and can’t do anything right now. That I was trying to get a lone to take care of things and getting her out was one of them. That I was going to have to file through the court on her. He said make room for him let him move in he would get her to leave. I would love to but I don’t want her causing any of us problems and she would just for spite knowing none of us have a place to go and have the kids. It is just how she is.

My friend thinks I should just go for it, get with him and let him move in. She says it help me out and I wouldn’t have to strugglenso much and things. That is true but I do not want to go into a relationship because of that. Like I told her then I am stuck in a situation like I was with Peter Pan. I need to work this out be able to do it on my own. I don’t want to rush into living with someone when we get together. She says but your not, you known him half your life you have practically been together for the last 7 years. It isn’t like you just met him amd things. It is true we have known each other since we were about 15/16 and we have been close the last 7 years doing what we are doing. But what we have been doing and getting into a committed relationship, moving in together and bring kids into it is a compleatly different ballgame.

She keeps saying he is such a good guy and a decent guy. That he cares he trying to help amd things. There aren’t a lot of decent guys out there and hard to find. She says do it for now if it don’t work out or I change my mind just move on find someone new later. That isn’t what I want to do. I don’t want someone for here and now or to help get by.

I told her I might be interested in others. She asking who. I just told her she left me and went on her trips and left me to my own device’s, she was out of the loop of all that I been doing or thinking. She laughed. She don’t know how I feel about Starfish or any of that. I could let him just rent the room if I could get my mother out of there but that wouldn’t work very well wanting to meet someone I don’t think. With our history or what we have been doing. It be weird and awkward I think. I don’t want to end up pushed into or rushing into things. I am going to have to think a lot about it and I still have to get things straight here. It be a little bit before I could let him do it anyway even if it was just the room.


{January 20, 2018}   Just Friends, To Broken For More


I have decided that there is nothing there more than friends with the guy I met and went out with last weekend. He is going through a really hard time dealing with things from his past and because of that we are looking for two different things. He had come over Thursday why the kids were at school and things didn’t go to well. We have still been talking and things he didn’t say to much yesterday then he messaged me this morning and called me. We talked for a little bit about the kids and things like that, he made a joke it was to deal with sex. He said I am not directing that at you just a saying this or that. I said I know. He said I have come to the conclusion or decided that isn’t ever going to happen between me and you. I didn’t say anything he went on talking.

In a little bit he asked me about Thursday if he did something wrong that upset me or offended me. I just told him no it was things I was dealing with that I thought I had dealt with already but that I was learning that I was going to have to deal with it from now on probably. That I didn’t expect to be dealing with it this soon in a relationship and that it wasn’t him I had dealt with it in the past but farther into the relationship. I had told him already Thursday evening what was going on and things. He was happy to hear it wasn’t him. But still don’t think he really understands or gets it.

But he is just to broken and it is very sad because he really cares and really just wants to find someone to love and be happy with. But he needs to really work through somethings and work on himself before he gets with someone or it isn’t going to be good. The state he is in right now if he found someone that would give him what he wants he is probably just going to be hurt again in the end because they are most likely going to take advantage of him. Because he is so caring and giving. Right now the state that he is in he we are looking for two different things. I think if he was doing better himself there could be something there. But I can’t do it where he is right now. He is looking for someone that is just in love with him from start and wants to just jump into like a ready made relationship kind of thing, like they been together for a while. I don’t want to do that and can’t with him. Because I know there is to much there that he needs to deal with and what he is wanting is pushing me into dealing with things that I can’t just jump into something like that. He thinks if he finds someone to love and to love him everything will just be okay and it won’t.

He told me about how things were with him and his ex wife and I can see where he is coming from and understand why he is in the shape he is in. Because he has never been with someone and really had a relationship. He said that when him and his ex were married she wouldn’t sleep with him, said he snored to much made him sleep in the other room. He said she wouldn’t have anything to do with him hardly ever, she tell him come on if he wanted to lets get this over with. He said she never approached him or anything like that. She was always all about her and what she wanted needed or what. He said he go in to talk to her or try to be with her she be on the phone hide it tell him to go on why was he in there and things. He said there really wasn’t any time we just lay or sit together and just talk, watch tv, sleep nothing. He said it just wasn’t that kind of relationship at all and no matter how much I did or gave her it was never enough.

You can tell when you talk to him everything is always sorry, sorry no mater what it is or if there is a reason he is always saying sorry about something. I said something to him about it, he says I just do because I feel that whatever it is isn’t good enough it should be better. I keep telling him he has to decide that if he did all he can do then it is good enough that as long as he is happy with it then it is good enough. He is one that wants everyone happy no one to be mad at him, no one to think bad of him and do everything for everyone at his expense whatever that may be.

I know how it is I use to be the same way, always keep the peace make sure everything was done and taken care of. It didn’t matter that this one or that one wasn’t doing more I make it happen it was okay we were getting by or whoever got what they needed or wanted. It didn’t matter how they treated me or what they said about me I still help them. Still make sure everyone had what they needed and was taken care of. Until I decided enough was enough and if they didn’t care about me no more than they did to treat me the way they did why did I care how they felt if I said no and didn’t help and why did I care what they thought of me because no matter what I did for them they were going to still think what they did about me and didn’t care if I was happy or needed something or I wasn’t doing for me or what I wanted to do for them. Since I have I have been much happier.

Like today he said his mom was mad because he was tired because he was up with his son all night. I said so who cares if she is? If you are talking care of him and you are not asking for their help or what then it is none of their business. As long as your kids are being taken care of and you are doing what you feel is best for your kids and you and no one is in danger or anything like that then no one has any place to say anything about what you are doing or how you do it. If you and the kids are happy that is all that matters. I said well the kids are happy and taken care of you may not be and your going to be tired and overwhelmed but that is being a parent and its still okay and don’t matter what everyone else says or think. I haven’t heard from him but I know he was dealing with all that and had to get ready to take the kids to a party he didn’t want to go to. His ex and her boyfriend are going to be there the kids were invited. He said his best friend is married to her best friend so it makes it hard.

We were talking the other day when we were out riding around something was said about working and paying bills things like that. I said how when I was trying to leave my ex could never save money because I had to take all I had and pay the rent and then ask him for any money i needed for anything the rest of the month. That when he found out I had money tucked away I had to take it all and pay the bills because he would refuse to pay anything or give me money until he knew I had spent all mine.

He looked at me funny and said you paid bills? I said yeah if I was working or had money coming in I always helped pay bills. I said I was the one who always paid them because he would spend the money if he had it. He give me his check or it go into the bank and I would pay all the bills out of it and then the money left went for whatever was needed or wanted after that. He said when I was with my ex she made 1.5 times what I made and she never paid a bill or helped with anything. He said she told me I was the guy I needed to take care of it and provide for the family it wasn’t her job.

I said no we put the money together there was no yours or mine and what needed to be paid or taken care of was taken care of any what was left we did whatever we felt like doing with it. I said even when I was with my little ones dad I paid half the rent and half the rest of the bills and helped with extra stuff that was needed and help buy food. I said with him we didn’t have a bank account together he kept his money I kept mine but we still made sure bills got paid and everyone had what was needed. I said I am sure had we stayed together we had a bank account and things together. He just looked so shocked or surprised that couples really did thing like that or what, I don’t know. Or maybe that I helped didn’t expect them to do it all and just spend mine. But I guess like he said that was how it was with him and his ex. I said you can ask so and so she knows she knows how he take my money or not give me money so that I couldn’t get out and leave. She was there and knows she knows I paid when I was with my little ones dad and that I normally have money and don’t worry about things. Because she is how I met him they are good friends too.

He knows he is dealing with things he is seeing a therapist and said he was going to be seeing someone else to try and work things out more or see what he could do. I wonder if the person he is seeing right now isn’t really helping him as much as she could be because he told me they are friends and went to school together. I hope he gets another job and insurance and is able to see someone else. That will maybe do better to help him. I want to tell him somethings but like me and my other friend that introduced us was were talking about he is really bad off right now and scared to say to much and maybe push him over the edge or to far. I was talking to her I was like please don’t tell him this stuff but you know you talk to him and I know he tells you everything but this is what is going on or went on. She said yeah she said I did not know how bad he really was, but we don’t see each other we just talk on the phone or message each other. She said he has wanted to go to lunch or meet and talk and things but I can’t do that with my husband the way he is and things. I know he is wanting more and I don’t want to go there give him the wrong idea. She said I knew he was dealing with things and talking to someone but I didn’t know it was this bad but talking to him lately and what you are saying I can see it is really bad.

Like he even said before we met up and went out he was glad that we started talking and that he hoped if nothing else we would be friends. He said I was the only one that really talked to him and understood where he was coming from and tried to help or cared. He said that he respected my input or point of view on things and that it made him think about things. I don’t mind being friend with him. If he wasn’t dealing with so much and looking for what he is looking for and was the person everyone keeps telling me he is or use to be I would have no problem dating him and seeing where things went. But he isn’t the person that everyone says he is or he use to be. He hasn’t been getting out he hasn’t been doing anything but working and taking care the the kids for a while now. He even said with dealing with everyone thing and not having time he hasn’t been hanging out he hasn’t been doing things for himself or anything. He said he needs to get back to taking care of himself again. That will go a long way for him as well. I know it has for me. Just taking the time for myself and things the last year or so now that the kids are little bigger and can stay by their self for a little bit.

I was glad today when he said he figured out or decided that there probably wouldn’t be anything between us that way. He seemed to be okay with it and just went on talking like we always have like friends. I know I didn’t come across as they described either probably but I was not comfortable with the way he was pushing for so much so fast so I kind of just shut down and was kind of short with him when we were together.


{August 30, 2016}   Yes This Happen Today

Okay so I guess technically yesterday now since it is after midnight. But anyway, I picked my older two up from school and we stopped at the little junk store on the way to the grocery store. My oldest got this nice picture for her wall, it it stone or something good size and heavy so I stopped at home to drop it off before we went on. She gets back in the truck and we head on our way.

She says I think these two boys at my school like me.

I said well that’s good you are making more friends.

She said no not like that, the other way. I think they Like me.

I said oh why do you think that?
She says well one asked me to be his girlfriend and the other told me to my face he liked me.

I said so how old are they? What are they life? What did you say?

She said I told the one I didn’t really want a boyfriend right now. The other I told he was to young anyway.
He said why it was only a two year age difference it wasn’t that much.

Then the 8 year old told him she would be his girlfriend. The little boy told her no.

My daughter says to him why not it’s only a two year age difference she isn’t that young? I about died when she told me she said that to him. I asked what he said.

She said he didn’t say anything just looked at her and went on.

She said that the 14 year old was nice but he has his tongue pierced and has a tattoo.

I asked her if she was sure he was only 14 maybe he was like her brothers Best Friend, just looked young for his age. She said now she knew he was only 14 because of something that happen or said.

So for now she isn’t interested in having a boyfriend. I guess that is a good thing. I am sure if she was in the public school she would probably be trying to find one to fit in. I told her awhile back the boys at church liked her and she didn’t believe me. Maybe she will meet someone she likes there when she decides she wants a boyfriend.

I told my friend about it and what she said about the one having a piercing and tattoo.

She was like OH.

I said really don’t bother me either way.

She was like yeah you say that now just wait and laughed.

Like I told her you know the kids that had piercings, wore the all black and was different than everyone, the ones everyone called the “freaks” were my real friends when I was in high school. I talked to anyone and everyone and everyone rather I knew them or not would come to me with their problems. But when it came down to who I spent my time with sat with at lunch went places with and looked for to talk it was them. Because they didn’t care who you were or how you dressed or didn’t dress or what you did or didn’t do if you liked them and wanted to be friends they were your friends. Most of them were nicer and better than the “normal” kids or whatever you wanted to call them at school. You were you and did you they were them and did them and that was fine everyone didn’t have to be the same or act and dress the same to be friends. They do anything for anyone who needed it rather they were part of the group or not. When it came to drugs and drinking all that there were less of them doing them than the other kids. you all ways here the other kids talking about getting in trouble fights drinking drugs parties the cops coming. It was an every weekend things. Others few used drugs and really got into trouble. The ones who did didn’t care if the others didn’t they didn’t push them into doing them or going out and getting in trouble and things. They didn’t treat you any different or make fun of your or what if you didn’t like the other kids if you weren’t running with their groups all the time and doing the things they were you get picked on and couldn’t hang out with them. It’s crazy it shouldn’t be like that. I said there was much more respect from them toward others and respect among them all for each other.

Piercings don’t bother me and tattoos don’t. 14 yes I feel is a little young for a tattoo but if that is ok with his parents and what he wanted to do then that is not for me to judge. I have a deal with my oldest son, when he is 16 I will take him to get a tattoo. If he still wants the same thing he wanted last year and hasn’t changed his mind. He has another 6 years to think about it and decide if he really still wants it. I am not going to bring it up anymore if he don’t. But if he brings it up and says hey mom remember you said if I still wanted that robot tattoo at 16 you would take me to get it? Then yes I will take him to get it. I figure by 16 he will have friends that will be trying to do them or find someone willing to do it out of their house somewhere if I say no. I much rather him get it somewhere I know everything is done on the up and up it’s all clean. I say if he still wants the same thing because it is there forever if he still wants the same thing then he has thought about it for a very long time he will probably not regret it later. I had wanted a tattoo from the time I was in my teens but never knew what I wanted for sure. I knew I wanted something that had meaning not just to get something just because I wanted a tattoo so I picked something. I also knew that I wanted something done right and by someone who knew what they were doing and I was willing to wait until I had the money to pay for that. It took me until I was 28 to decide what I wanted and get one. But I wouldn’t change it. I am two in and want at least 3 or 4 more.

She was pretty surprised when I said I truly wasn’t worried about her boyfriend and if he had piercing and tattoos. But it is true. Now dealing with her dad and other family is a different story, if she brings someone home like that they will flip. But they will have to get over it. As long as he treats her right and she is happy I will support her and stand up for her. If he don’t treat her right that is a different story all together and I don’t care how they look dress or anything else. But I don’t think I have to worry about her being with anyone who don’t treat her right. She is a pretty strong girl and knows what she wants and don’t want and isn’t going to let no boy tell her what to do or not treat her right she will have him hitting the road so fast his head would spin. She is not scared to fight back so I feel sorry if one ever hit or tried to hit her. Then he would have to deal with me.

They don’t know it but I will be working at the school in the next few weeks helping out. One of the staff is having an operation on her back and they need someone to fill in for her and someone to come in and do a few other things. I will have to get a look at this boy and see what he is like in case she changes her mind. I am wondering if he was the one who answered the door one day they forgot something in the truck and dropped it off. I though he was older but he could have been 14. He seems like the type that would be like she said.

Boy seems like we are doing everything all at once here. I just took her and bought her a bra a few weeks ago and a razor to shave her underarms. I have asked her and asked her off and on for almost a year now if she needed to shave her underarms and she has told me no no no. She was trying on bras and needed me to look at something I walked in the fitting room and about died. I couldn’t believe her underarms. We went and got a razor for her to start using. Then the other week something was said and I said something to my sister about it and she said oh yeah her little girl told her a long time ago about her having hair under her arms and that granny knew. I said why didn’t anyone tell me? I guess her little girl thought it was pretty bad too and they thought I wasn’t letting her shave. I do not go in the bathroom when she is showering or in the room when she is getting dressed. I guess she changed clothes at my moms or whatever gown she wears at my moms they could see it. I told her I wouldn’t do legs yet because you can’t even see hair on them and if she starts now she will have to do it rather she likes it or not or not be able to wear shorts once she starts. I wish I had never done mine or not when I did. Now I have to do them if I want to wear shorts or a dress. It isn’t very thick but it is dark and grows all funny. I hate shaving because of the way my skin is.

{August 25, 2016}   Still Jealous

Father of the Year was here last night and he acted kind of funny. I could tell he wanted to say something but wasn’t. I was sitting here at the table doing stuff on line, he sat here at the table for a while. He acted like he wanted to bring something up but didn’t. I could tell he wanted to say something, ask something or something. But he never did so, I asked him about the wedding to see what he would say. I just said isn’t that the card to your brothers wedding over there that you were supposed to have sent back? He said yes he needed to get a hold of them. I asked him who he was going with or something like that. He said his self. I said your not taking the kids? He said he was thinking about it, he wants to take the older two but not Little Guy. I didn’t say anything. He said I guess I should take them all I just don’t know how he is going to do or something like that. I don’t know why he is so worried he is 6 and he is a pretty good kid. He can be a little rowdy at times but if everyone is sitting and watching the wedding he will sit and watch he isn’t going to be up in the middle of it or anything. There are going to be tons of other kids there as well so I am sure he won’t be the only littler one.

Oh then he tried to say well wouldn’t interrupt their schooling and stuff. I said they might miss a day or two but it isn’t like they miss a ton of days. The older kids had kids that didn’t even show up to school until like the week after because they had things planed. They aren’t going to miss anything because the teacher doesn’t stand up and “teach” the class any one given thing at any given time. The kids all sit at their tables with whoever they want to sit with there is a group of 12 kids ages from about 7 to 20 something. They each get their workbooks and pick whatever subject they want to work on and work on it. Some maybe working on math while others are working on reading and others on social studies, they are all on different levels. They work through it on their own at their pace and if they get stuck or need help they go over to the table where the teacher sits and they sit with her and she goes over it with them and shows them until they understand. Then they go back to their table. My oldest brings her books home almost every night and works ahead. My Big Boy is on track where he should be and even a little ahead in math. He brought home a notice congratulating him on finishing his first math workbook already and making a 100 on it. So they could bring their books home and work ahead before they leave, they could take extra time and work ahead at school or they could do either of the two once they got home. They wouldn’t miss that much they could even just add a few pages each day so that they stay on track. My little guy can always bring his home and work on it or they will work with him at school. He was like oh I guess your right.

I said it don’t matter to me what you do but if it is a family party and all the kids and family are getting together how are they going to feel when you say you are going alone or leaving some home and taking the others. He isn’t even taking all 4 of them he is only taking his three. I just don’t get it but he did have to have his mom go with him last time he took them up there for the week and came back. She is going but her and his dad are driving up and they are going before he would be leaving because he was going to follow them up or go together. I think he is scared to go on his own with them. I have a feeling he won’t go at all. If he does I will be surprised. I really don’t care if he goes or not or if he takes the kids or not. But I do need to know if he is going and if he is taking them. They will need stuff to wear they will need to let school know and he is supposed to let me know no less than 10 days before if he is leaving the state with them and give me the information as to where they are going. If he is going and not taking them then I need to know what he plans to do about that. I have to do hours for school and I do not know when they are going to be and they could be the weekend or during the week. I do not know if it falls on his weekend or not but if it does and he is not going to be here then it is up to him to come up with a sitter if it is needed. But he don’t think of any of this stuff. The odds are I will be here and won’t have that to worry about but it is possible. Plus I may like to make plans and do something if they are not going to be here. I will have my little one but I could take her to do something or get a sitter for a little bit and do something. I could do both they will be gone for the weekend. But he will wait until the last minute and then decide if he is going and then hasn’t even told them he is or isn’t and they probably assume he isn’t so then are they even going to be ready or prepared for them. That is the bigger question of it all right there but again he don’t think of that kind of stuff. Well he knows we talked about it he just don’t care, he does what he wants to do on his time and that’s just that everyone deals with it.

I finished at the computer went in the other room to do some stuff and talking to the kids. He just sat there not saying anything just looking around. Then out of nowhere he says so what do you want to say? I said what? He said you act like you want to say something but you haven’t yet. I said no just trying to get stuff done and figure out why your here. He didn’t like that, but it’s true why was he here? Why didn’t he go home after work? Instead he came here. He said because I called and ask him what time he was getting off work he thought I wanted something. He knew I didn’t need him to come over here I told him I was going to go take care of it. My mom wanted something from the store I figured if he was on his way home it make more since for him to get it or take her then for me to drive all the way over there and have to deal with her. He really thought I needed something he could have called before he went out of his way to stop here to see and he didn’t ask when he got here what I needed or anything.

He hung out for a while, I kept making the comment why was he still here and why he wasn’t going home? What did he really want, why did he really come over or what. He kept saying nothing he told me. I say why are you here he just look at me. I say then go home he start doing something with the kids. My friend that’s been sick called and wanted to know if I could give her a ride from the hospital again. I went and go her and left the kids here since he was here anyway. I got home he gave the kids dinner I had making. The next thing I knew the kids all went to bed. I was sitting here back at the computer. I asked him a few times again why he was here still and what he wanted. He just say nothing and mumble.

I finally said something and he said fine I’m jealous!!! I said what, of what, why? He said your going to meet someone or have met someone and I’m having a hard time with it. I want you back I don’t want you to be with anyone else. I’m mad at myself because I screwed up and I lost you. I just want to get back together. I said yeah that isn’t going to happen. He said I know, I know so are you seeing someone or talking to someone?

I said yeah I am with all this free time I have between taking kids to and from school, dealing with my school stuff and shuffling everyone else around here and there and taking them where they need to go. Well the kids are in school all day, I don’t know he say. I said and I am working on my stuff or taking my grandma and them places. Besides they would probably be at work that time of day if I was seeing or talking to someone. Well I don’t know it just bothers me to think of you with someone else and I ‘m having a really hard time with it and moving on. I said you sound like your feeling guilty to me who are you seeing or talking to? He said no one I don’t want no one. I don’t go anywhere to meet anyone I go to work and home that’s all. I said when your around your always on that phone. He said he was on facebook. I said facebook don’t respond right back all the time. I talk to my friend sometimes, that’s it. She just a friend. I said so whats wrong with her why don’t you go out with her? This is the one he asked to the wedding. He said she is just a friend, I said well you liked her for more than a friend before you told me a long time ago you liked her and wondered about her and things. She lives states away too. I said oh well you could change that. I don’t know I don’t want anyone else I just keep thinking about us and blah blah. I said oh well you need to go find you someone else to think about. Something else was said he finally got up and went on. Not that he should feel guilty if he did meet someone else but that is how he acted. And when I said something about finding someone else he said he was scared too. I asked him why he said he was scared of messing things up like he did with me. I said well don’t do the things you did with me with them and maybe you won’t.

Funny we are back to the how  he screwed up and that is why I left. It wasn’t that long ago he got all pissed off about something and I was the bitch and everything else again. Then it was all my fault we weren’t together and I was a horrible person for leaving him when he didn’t do anything wrong and it was all me. I just wanted to go out and fuck around. I wanted to party all the time and go out with all these guys. Funny in 6 years I was in one relationship that was it. I sure wasn’t out parting all the time. I was home taking care of 5 kids and now it’s been me and my 4. I am sure we will get back to the how horrible i am how I did this and it is all my fault again down he road. We always do. He just can’t seem to get past any of it. He goes from being pissed off to jealous. I don’t know I hope he don’t get like he did before because he got really nasty and pretty bad. There were many people scared he was going to do something really bad to me or to himself and maybe the kids. I am going to tell him he can’t just pop in over here anymore and that he needs to let me know when he is coming if he is he needs to pick the kids up and go did whatever not come and hang out all the time. I am also getting my key back. He never gave it to me when he moved. When I was so sick he was helping with the kids I didn’t say anything but forgot it after that. I don’t know why it has been on my mind and bothering me that he has my key still and something that keeps saying get it back get it back. I hadn’t really said anything because I know he is going to get pissed and probably start something or say something then. I didn’t want to start a fight in front of the kids. When I do it’s probably really going to piss him off even if he don’t say anything or start. He will sit and think about it and think about it and blow it up to something in his head. He is always like a ticking bomb, you never really know how he is going to react to something and then if he don’t if he is going to blow up about it later or start about it. Mine is about broke in half I figured I just tell him mine broke I need the other key and go get it from him at work. He won’t think anything of it maybe. If he says something about getting another made I just forget. Or tell him he don’t need one it is my house.

He did all he did and it took me all these years for me to get him to agree and go through with the divorce and I finally got it. Does he really think I am going to turn around and go oh I changed my mind lets get back together? He must be stupider than I thought our think that I have just lost my mind. There is no way I would ever get back with him, divorce or no divorce wouldn’t happen no reason no how. He knows this I have told him that before. He just acts like oh the divorce is over now he has a chance. What the hell is he thinking? I mean really does he really think this far into things there is still hope or a chance? I just don’t get it. I notice he been acting different lately.

et cetera
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