{December 31, 2019}   Good Girls

If you have not watched this show you need to watch it. I watched the first season months back. Binge-watched the first season in a matter of days. It is funny I just looked yesterday to see if there was any new ones and there wasn’t. Then when I pulled up netflix today it was the first thing that popped up. It’s a really funny show. Check it out and let me know what you think.

{August 16, 2019}   At What Point Do You Trust The

I can’t have kids statement from a guy? I been talking to bff and she met this guy at work (big no no) she has been hanging out with. The other night she stayed at his house. I said she was going to end up pregnant. Was laughing and joking around. She does with me all the time because of my friend and because I did with RC.

She said nope he can’t have kids. I busted up laughing and said you didn’t or don’t believe him do you? She said yeah he said he can’t he….

I stopped her and said yeah you know how many guys say that or how many thought they couldn’t and have kids now? This is the 34 year old she been talking to. I said his ex’s have probably been on birth control. No no he says because of abuse when he was younger he can’t.

I don’t buy it. I am not saying it couldn’t be true. But I feel it is unlikely. That he is just telling her this. Just like they like to say oh this once it won’t happen it will be okay. Or I won’t finish blah blah bullshit. Come on we know how these guys are and when they are younger for sure. He is young maybe he wants kids, maybe he just isn’t worried about if it happens, or it hasn’t yet so he thinks he can’t. There is no way I would trust that at all. But she is and believes it.

I was thinking about it, how do you decide if they are telling the truth or not? How long before you trust them enough that you believe them? Do you want proof from a doctor first? Do you just never trust it or believe it? Unless you just don’t care if you get pregnant? If you don’t believe them how is that going to work if or when the time comes you want to be with them? They aren’t going to want to use anything. Do you get on birth control and not tell them? Refuse to do anything unless you all use something?

I just do not know if I would ever be able to trust someone who said that even if I was with them long term. Unless I knew test were done and heard it from the doctor myself.

I just know for me I am done 100% done and I would be so scared to risk it. I would always be worried about what if. I know it could happen even using something. But I am most the time really careful then too. I track my cycles so I know when I am at risk and how high, I use protection sometimes two forms. They still pullout. Honestly there have been a few times lately I have taken a risk. But to me if something happen it would be my fault because I didn’t do all I should or could of. Where if I just blindly believe a guy who says he can’t have kids and end up pregnant that opens a lot of problems other than just getting pregnant.

What if a girl tells a guy she can’t get pregnant? Should he believe her? How long should or would one wait before they did? Or should they ever or should they want proof?

Because lets face it girls have said it just as much and probably more than guys and a lot of them have done it to trap guys and they did because the guys believed her.

So would your answer be different if it was a women telling a guy she couldn’t get pregnant for whatever reason vs. if it was a guy telling a girl he couldn’t get her pregnant? Why or why not?

I hope you all give your opinion on this because it is something that you hear a lot both ways. I think it will be interesting to see everyones thoughts and the guys vs. girls on this.

{August 13, 2019}   If You Are Looking For

Something to watch with the kids, well the girls anyway. Not sure how into it boys would be, you should try the Worst Witch. Me and Little Bitty have been watching it the last week or so. It’s a cute show for the kids, that the adults can enjoy too. It is hard to find things we all like or that we both like and watch together.

It’s about a little girl who meets another little girl that is going off to school. It’s a school for witches. The girl can’t see to get there because she breaks her glasses. The other girl helps her fly there on her broom and ends up staying. She is the first non witch to get to go to school there and learn to be a witch.

It’s a cute little show we watch two or three a night when there isn’t school and she is up when I get home. We lay in bed and watch it on the phone.

{March 11, 2019}   Get Through The Week

If I get this job this Wednesday will be the last week I can go to Applebee’s with bff and whoever goes for a while because I will work until 10 or 11 and then have to drive home.

I will have Saturday and Sunday free now so Sunday won’t be a problem. But I may stop going and doing that as well. Depending how Wednesday and this Sunday go. I told bff tonight that as well.

I just need time to work on all that has happen this last 2 or 3 weeks and dealing with the bullshit from him. He don’t fully know how I feel about him but he knows I do. Like I told her as much as I do I can’t keep dealing with the text like I got this morning. Like I said no one could beat me up more than I have myself or will. But I don’t need it drilled in anymore from him either. I am trying to forget it all deal with my feelings and myself over it all and move on. I am okay with it just not how it happen and that he will not say why.

Like I told her I don’t want to run him off, I’m not saying he is there that is why I’m not coming kind of thing. I am not coming because I need space and time and with out all the bs. I need to deal with myself that is all. I don’t mind him around the kids like him around he is fun to hang out with and will help in a jam.

She just said get through the week see how things go. Then we will see. I don’t know what she is thinking. I told her not to say anything to him about it i just want to see how the week ends up on it’s own.

I still have no idea what Sleeping Beauty is talking about as far as being home with my kids at night.

Me and her had breakfast the next morning and they were talking. She forgot to pay the phone bill and the phone went off over night. She messaged him before we met up and told him and asked what he meant by that? Was there something she didn’t know or should know? He told her he would talk to her when he seen her. Who knows what that is going to be.

Today their friend who’s house we were at last Wednesday night stopped at her house. She said they were talking and she asked her what was up with me and Sleeping Beauty? He told her I was to clingy wanted to ask to many questions. That was all he said. I said so because I try to have a conversation I’m clingy, okay.

I know that’s from me wanting him to ride with me so we could talk. But if he felt that way he should of came and talk to me said hey this is the problem went from there. But he just runs.

He worries to much about what others think and not making others mad. Use to always fighting being called names and things. He keeps running nothing is going to change in his life.

I think I said something about it on here a while back, Mr. Auto at the car lot asked me if I had talked to Sleeping Beauty and when the last time I seen him was. I told him I had talked to him off and but not seen him in a while. He told me the guy he was roommates with that worked at the shop with us he was staying with before he came to stay with me had been talking to him about him. He said he told him he lost a lot of weight and how his face was all sunk in and things. Said something about what he was doing. He told him if that was the case that was his friend why didn’t he talk to him and try to help him. I told him I had not seen him but I didn’t think so he had seemed okay from our conversations. Because he said he wanted to do something to himself once or twice as well. This has come up 3 or 4 times since I started there.

Well when I started talking to him last week and he asked me to take him home somewhere out of the blue him losing a lot of weight came up. He told me he had and I wouldn’t believe it if I seen him. How he had started eating different that he didn’t eat as much as he use to or the way he use to. He never really ate that much and ate your normal stuff. I just said oh really that is good I guess. But I was thinking yep I know what you are doing or been doing. But I didn’t say anything.

When I seen him I was surprised he has lost a lot, he was just telling me the other night how his pants are falling off his shirts are so big and things. Still says he is just not eating and eating better. I knew as soon as I seen him what it is. I am not sure when the last time I seen him was but he didn’t look like that.

I told Bff he is back doing the drugs again and she says I don’t know. He has always been quite and don’t open up with drawn. I said no I said think about it, remember how he lost so much weight back around the time all that shit went down? The guys were saying something about how he lost so much and saying he was on that shit again back then? I said then remember when he left my house went to his moms and was gone a month or two he came back around. When he came back we were talking about how much he had gained and how much better he looked and how much happier he seemed and how good over all he was doing. I said now for a few months we been hearing he is doing this again and how he lost all this weight again and back on it again. I said and now he made it a point to point it out and tell me he had and how he is “eating better” not eating as much and everything. I said because he knows if I just seen him would say something. He wanted to get it out of the way before he seen me. Explain it away so it wouldn’t come up again. I said I am not stupid.

I told her he thinks, oh I don’t hang out with people like that, not around that stuff all the time, don’t know about it, how it works, what it does to you and things like that. So he will just tell me this and I won’t be any the smarter or ask any questions. I said no I don’t do all that but that don’t mean I am stupid, that I don’t know what it does to you, that I don’t know the what is going on. I said but I do know but since I didn’t call him out on it and then last time he got caught because of the guy he owed money to he couldn’t say anything.

Today I couldn’t figure out where he was getting it, who he was doing it with, or what because he is staying with his mom and I really don’t think he is doing it there. But he hasn’t been hanging out with the guy down the street from her like he was before or others that I know of. Then it hit me, the guys at the lot where he works and things. That is where he was working before when he told me about being in it the most and dealing it and things. I thought of it and I said yep the guy where he stayed that first Wednesday a few weeks ago when he came with us and hung out.

I told her that night what is he doing and why did he have to go outside and talk to him before he ever came in if he was going to come in why couldn’t he talk to him then. Why he had been messaging him all evening up to that point? Most the time he isn’t on that phone unless something like that is going on. When he first came to my house he was on it on it on it because he was messaging these guys and different ones. Then after being there a few weeks he was hardly ever on it until that night he went out and all the shit went down. Then again he was on it on it on it again.

Then the guy came in and didn’t even sit with us he went sat at the bar by himself and drank for a bit then left. Then when we left he told me he asked him if he could sleep there so I didn’t have to take him all the way back home. I dropped him off there. Me and Bff was talking about it then how it all happen how he been hanging out over there and I didn’t think it was a good idea and things. He told me the other day how this guy is pawning work tools and things all the time for money. What is he needing money for that bad that he is pawning work tools.

I told her when he got with this guy down the street from her the other night it wasn’t good. They have been friends since they were kids I don’t know how long sleeping beauty has known him. But then by the time we got back to this guys house the other night it was he might be renting the camper he has in the yard so that he can be closer to work and things. I told Bff that isn’t good. When he rented there before he had to get out of there because of a bunch of shit and that he just wants him there for the money from the camper but that he knows that he will get money from him because he will buy shit from him. He don’t care just like he told Bff about her friend he is a grown man he knows what he is doing and it is his money and that he has to make money to take care of his family some how. He isn’t looking out for him or care he is just a bank to him. When the money runs out because Sleeping Beauty don’t get to work for two or three weeks and has no money to give him or buy anything then he is going to be out on his ass again.

I want to tell him I know what is going on, I’m not stupid, I know why he has lost all he has. That he needs to really think about what he is doing.

Like I told Bff I think he is into it more now than he has been. When I picked him up Wednesday night he was telling me his ex had messaged him told him she was getting married then that day or day before messaged about something. He asked for his stuff from the storage room. She told him she took it all to the dump. He had his kids pictured, stuff of his dads and everything in there. He was mad and upset about that. He said something was said then called him piece of shit. He said you know after so many times of hearing that it does something to you. It sticks with you. I said oh I know tell me about it. We talked about how ex did me and things. Then we were at Bff’s house.

She said today maybe he is dealing with depression. I said I know he does I know he deals with it and anxiety pretty bad. I said I told him before it is anxiety when he tells me he was sitting in his room cry for hours not know why. He wake up not able to breath thinking it was his heart and things.  I told him to go get meds for a while and he would feel better. He wouldn’t.

I think between her saying the things she has and dealing with that and being around the guy at work and now getting in touch with this guy we all worked with again it just all makes a perfect storm.

I want to tell him you know what why you want to pop off about 20?s i am just asking because I care not trying to start shit. You know what I have been doing the last few days since we got together? Trying to figure out how to get me new vehicles so that I could give you mine and trying to figure out a way for you to start saving money to get your license back. Figure out if i could help you find a better job how I could help you get to it and somewhere you could move to closer so that you are easier to help. So O want to thank you and tell you how glad I am you decided you just want to be friends before I spent time making it all happen. Maybe sometimes you should ask questions instead of being so with drawn and popping off about someone wanting to talk or ask questions. When I was asking you to ride with me the other night i wanted to talk to you about it all.

I may just leave it alone forget it until he hits me up again.

{February 27, 2019}   Communication Issues

I don’t know what is going on with Sleeping Beauty I have hardly talked to him since Sunday. He stopped talking Sunday evening, I seen him before work Monday and we talked a little. Then I didn’t hear anything from him until yesterday morning when he messaged me said he got off late the night before and stayed at a friends house. Told me he was working and asked to borrow few dollars. He messaged me later said he didn’t get to work he was home cleaning, washing clothes.

Then he stopped talking again until this morning he said he wasn’t getting to work we talked a little. I asked him to call me he asked why said his phone isn’t working. I asked him if everything was okay, he said yeah why? I said you seemed really upset Sunday when I dropped you off. He told me no, he was fine. I said you just seem like something is bothering you other than work. He says I’m fine calm down. I said I am calm. Why the 20 questions he said. I said you know what I will leave you alone not trying to bother you and piss you off. No 20 questions.

A little bit later he sent me a messaged said this is what I am going to do today. In a minute a picture came up he was holding up a bottle of rum. I said don’t do that. We are supposed to go out tonight have a good time. You do that all day you aren’t going to be in any shape to do anything. I asked why he was going to do that what would it fix. I said just like you tell me. I said so this job sucks then take today and look for a new one.

In a bit he said now he wants me to come to work. I said tell him no leave him in a jam for the day. Tell him he said you weren’t working you can’t sit around and not work you found something else to do to make money. If he wants you there tomorrow then you will be there. I asked what he told him he said he told him he was to busy to play his games. I haven’t heard from him since.

He never wants to talk and he wants to disappear or withdraw when you message. Why was he telling me to calm down and starting with 20 questions? That is all that was said. We really are going to have to sit down and talk this evening he is supposed to go with us because of Sailor boy. I know he is dealing with a lot too but he needs to understand that not communicating is just going to make things worse.

Like I told Bff, he wants to say you been wanting to talk and what is with the 20 questions, I am going to tell him you know what we can sit and talk about this or I can just snap on you and raise hell or I can just shut up deal with it on my own and stuff it until I say fuck it. So I know you are dealing with stuff but I am dealing with stuff too and we are either going to do this and open up to each other and help each other work through it or we need to just forget this and go our own ways because like this it isn’t going to work out.

He can say what he wants about Sunday, I know he was upset and something was bothering him.

I think that the way things are right now, him living so far away, not getting to work like he should, not having money because he is trying to catch up on things and wanting to help me and wanting to be around and with me and the kids are all just getting to him. He is trying to figure out how to make it all happen. He was asking me the other day about how much it would cost to get my guns. He told me don’t worry about it we would get them out soon. Telling me we need to get something else for me to drive so he can tear my truck down and fix it. I said something about how freaken far it is to drive and get him or drop him off. He said I’m sorry honey, I know I don’t like it, I am trying to figure out something else. I said it is okay, I’m really not complaining your doing what you have to do I’m just saying, just talking.

He told Bff he was going to try and meet her this afternoon so we could all go tonight but I haven’t heard from him and she hasn’t either. I don’t know what he is doing if he started drinking or what. She told him he had to go with us tonight not to leave us to deal with the stalker alone. he told her no he wouldn’t do that to anyone so he still planed to go. but he hasn’t gotten a hold of her and we can’t get a hold of him. But his phone seems like it don’t have service again. I am thinking maybe hopefully he went to his room and went to sleep. I am getting off at 5 or a little after I am going to try and get a hold of him. If I don’t I am going to message his mom and tell her to tell him I am on my way to get ready. I got there Sunday he was sleeping they got him. He came out said I told you to call me when you were on your way. I said I called and called and messaged you. I was going to message your mom but didn’t. He said you should of so he shouldn’t get mad and hopefully she won’t. Hopefully we we can figure things out.

Bff says she thinks he is dealing with his own stuff from the past and things. Like I said I am sure he is because I am too. But it is one of the quickest things to mess up a relationship. He has to decide what he wants. Even if he don’t want to talk about things he can’t just ignore or with draw like he is either. Jut say so and move on.

I am not asking him to call me 100 times a day, I’m not asking him to message me all day. But if we are messaging then say hey I got to go or I will talk to you later not just no response and nothing for almost a day. If I am trying to call then take a minute to answer or say I will call later not what is it just text me or not respond. It is the being ignored and just there one second and gone for the day the next wit no explanation that is getting to me. Why gone for almost a whole day say nothing.

She says I don’t think there is anyone else. I told her I don’t either but I am worried there maybe something else. I can’t have that. I may have said that already but that is what I am really worried about.

{February 27, 2019}   Six and a Half Years

Last night me and Bff were talking about Sleeping Beauty and somethings he is doing. I said I don’t know if I am over reacting because of things I dealt with in the past or if I should really say something and be mad.

I said it has been 6.5 years since I was in a relationship. It hit me how long it has really been. I knew it been a while but it seems like a few or not that long ago. But now really putting a number on it wow. Now I feel more lost than I did.

{September 12, 2018}   Guy Friends

Today I was doing something and I started thinking about friends and guys that I am friends with. I started thinking about how everyone says you can’t be friends with guys or assumes that your doing something with them if you are. They just do not know how you can be friends and it not cross a lines into more.

I was thinking about it and how do I have so many guy friends and haven’t crossed that line with them. I thought about what makes them different?

For me in jr. High and high school the people I was close to and hung out with the most were guys. I would have one sometimes two girls that I was just as close with but that was about it, compared to 10 or more guys I would talk to and hang out with. I think we were able to hang out and be close because they were not my type at all. I wouldn’t consider anything more with them but friends. They knew and most I wasn’t their type or what they were looking for either. We were more like brother and sister truly than anything. Then there were a few others that I dated and it didn’t work out and we still stayed friends. When it was all said and done we were better as friends and were not interested in more either.

Like now in the last year there are about 8 or so guys I have been talking to or talked to. Some I knew right away it wouldn’t be more than friends if anything. Others I was interested in but once I got to know them wasn’t in that way anymore. Then a few we just ended up talking by accident i didn’t have feelings one way or the other. Now I would like more but either way is okay with me because I don’t want to lose the friendship.

For me what seems to work best when it comes to friends of the opposite sex is ones that are not my type. If they are if you respect yourself and set boundaries they will do the same if they are true friends. I don’t know why I am not friends with more guys who are my type but it just don’t seem to work that way.

{August 5, 2018}   Figure it All Out Soon

I told Bff that an Old Friend hit me up last night and wants me to come see him when I get off work tonight. The short fling I had awhile back. He wanted me to go out on the boat with him today but I have to work so I couldn’t.

She responds back with… need to figure it all soon girl. And settle on the one you see a future with.

I said none so far. She said oh boy.

Like I told her my “friend” is a good guy but he is just into and wanting things I am not and not really willing to do.

My Old Friend is a good guy but he isn’t looking for anything but to hangout. If you seen us together you think we were together, but we aren’t. I enjoy hanging out with him I have fun. We joke, dance, darts cards go out whatever. But I just don’t see a long term with him. He wants to keep kids out of everything all together. That just isn’t do able. My kids are just to young. I don’t want to be pulled between them. I don’t want to have to always be balancing my time between them. I want to do things together. Not right away but like I said before once we been together awhile things are going good. He just wants to see what happens where or if it goes somewhere. Just have fun.

Then there is Sleeping Beauty, I can see a future with him, i can see having something with him and it lasting. But I don’t know he isn’t ready for that I don’t think. He said he wasn’t looking didn’t want anything a few months ago. Then few weeks ago he was making comments again. But then he comes out of the blue with his ex and doing things with her. He isn’t over her, I don’t want to be with someone that isn’t over their ex. Because her popping in and out them talking would not work. Wow I am surprised I just said that. Because I am pretty okay whatever when it comes to guys and who they talk to. I talk to some of my ex’s and things. I typed not even thinking about what I was typing.

But anyway I have not talk to him since I asked him what she wanted or needed from him. I do not think that is why I have not heard from him but who knows. We will go awhile and not talk then talk all the time again. Like me and my good friend. It is odd. But I guess it isn’t either so I don’t know. He knows i tell him like it is and he knows its true and the things he needs to do. But you know how it is when you know it but don’t want to hear it from some one else. You kind of back off from that person. I think that is what he does. I ask him is he mad or if I did something he always has said no. He has never said anything wrong or gotten nasty with me other thN the one time. When he was staying here then went to his moms the way he did. He said somethings then. Thats the only time.

Other than them 3 I have talked to the different guys but I haven’t been interested in anything with them.

So it isn’t that simple and easy to just pick one. It is not like any one of them is a perfect match no one ever will be. But only the one is really one I feel is close to being what I would be happy with. Then he is dealing with his own issues. That is great because he needs to and to be happy. It sucks for me but it is what it is.

I told Bff tonight maybe I am being shown something. Maybe all these young ones talking to me and things is a sighn. Maybe I am supposed to just get me a young one and just have some fun for awhile. Then worry about more later. She was like oh boy.

et cetera
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