Reflections on 2020

On t.v. this morning they were talking about what a horrible year it has been and how they can’t wait for New Years. It is all over online as well. How they all hope 2021 is a better year. After I dropped JW off at work for some reason it popped into my head. It got me to stop and really think about this year and how it has affected me.

I have to truly say that this year over all has been one of the best so far, for me and the kids. I have dealt with some shit for sure. But over all the accomplishments out weigh the rest.

I was able to finally get the vehicle I have wanted for so long the star of the year. I didn’t have to rush out and buy something because I was in a jam. I was able to take a little bit of time to really look around for what I wanted in good shape at a price I could afford. That is what I did, I found a truck in great shape, well taken care of and at a price I could not pass up. Even after the 10,000 miles I put on it and it being a year older I can still turn around and double my money if I wanted to.

As you all know I lost my full time day job in March. But I moved right into full time the next day at my part time job. Doing that has let me gain experience in accounting and billing in addition to dispatching where I started out. So when I go somewhere else I have that experience to offer.

By deciding to not get a 2nd job right away it has given me a break this year. It was much needed after working 65 hours a week 5 or 6 days a week for over a year. I now work a pretty normal 9 to 5 type hours. All though I took a pay cut losing one job and going full time at the other I have maintained the house and all my bills this past year on my owen. All while keeping a nice little chunk of money in the bank up until now. While in the past I normally get into a jam and need to borrow money once or twice a year. I haven’t borrowed any this year. It may not seem like a lot to most it is a great feeling to me.

With schools all being such a mess with this covid it made me go ahead and pull my little ones out and bring them home. They had been asking but working so much I was worried about it. I was worried they wouldn’t do it and it would be a fight. But they are doing it and like it. I see them all growing closer together again like they were. They aren’t fighting as much. My little ones don’t seem so stressed out and tired like when they were in school. Little Bitty is even working above grade level. I think we will keep with it.

I checked into buying a house a while back. My credit score was to low. They said it would take at least a year to get where I needed to be. My highest score was 603 the other two were in the high 500s. I need at least a 620 on my middle score. I opened my first credit card ever. That brought my score up a good amount and I haven’t even made my first payment. My high score is now 627 my middle is 616. My low is only 580 and don’t seem to be budging. I have also opened a kick off account that has boost them some. I am researching what else i need to do to get it higher. See what I can get off my credit. But if I am that high right now imagine what it will be when I get ready to buy one and the deals i will get I hope.

I think the best part of this year so far is getting back in touch with JW and where that has gone. I know we have had some up and downs, I should say I have had some ups and downs. We have only really had one real fight. Most of it has been me and my problem as I said in my other post. I really do think he loves me, probably more than anyone has. He has been there when I needed him most and just holds me when I am a emotional nightmare and I don’t even know what is wrong.

He has been understanding with the kids and that they come first and everything I do how it is going to effect them has to be considered. He understands sometimes I have to drop everything to handle things with them, deal with them or what. Sometimes I feel bad like it isn’t fair to him. I say sorry or something about it he just says babe I understand it’s the kids they come first. He really is caring, loving and sweet.

He has really been my rock when I needed it. He don’t think twice about stepping up and doing whatever it is that I need him to do. If something happens he is the first person I call. If I am just having a hard time or bad day I just want to be with him. I just feel better when we are together. He will be sitting on the couch watching tv and I lay my head on his lap and just fall a sleep. I just so calm and relaxed. He sat there one afternoon for several hours and just let me sleep. I wasn’t planning to go to sleep i was just laying there talking to him. I woke up said something about falling a sleep how long had I slept? He told me. He said I wanted to get up but you were sleeping so good I didn’t want to wake you. He said because he knew I hadn’t been feeling good or sleeping. That was when I was so bad after taking those birth control pills and was so mentally out of it. I just cry and cry. The fact I even went to him and let him see me that way says a lot. I would never with anyone else. I would of hid it just like I do at work and home. But I didn’t feel like I had to do that or wanted to. I wanted to be with him, I just wanted him to hug me and hold me.

He does somethings that makes me question things or feel some kind of way. But again when I really step back it is more my issue than something he did or said. I have noticed too he just says things without thinking about how it sounds or comes across. Not that he is trying to mean it bad it’s just poor wording.

He has put up with me for just under a year and I haven’t scared him away. He may really be in it for the long haul. I hope so because I think he is a keeper.

Bring it on I am ready for another great year.

Thinking Ahead

There are a lot of decisions to be made in the next few months. Some will not happen until 5 or 6 months down the road but need to have a good idea and grasp on things now as to what we are going to do. This way we can get things set in motion in order for it to all play out with as little interruptions as possible. Few major things to think about and plan for such as………

The truck I got screwed on. Fix it with new motor then sell? Buy brand new truck that will last me forever? Fix it and keep it? Fix it give it to my oldest?

I have no idea but have to decide and do something now or soon. Because I can’t leave it sitting much longer and need the extra seating soon now more than when I bought it.

To move away this year or stay another year? If I move when? If I stay here then I have to decide do I want to stay where I am or move somewhere different? House wise that is. I have the best set up with the kids school being right there. But the house isnt great and I am tired of dealing with the managment team. It isnt worth what I am paying rent is going to go up again. But will I find anywhere cheaper the same size in better shape? How will the school set up be?

If i move away or here where am I going to move to? Stay in the same area here or make a big change? If I move away do I go where my friend is or other family or somewhere all together different?

How is that going to effect the huge change I just made last week? How do I handle it and all that goes along with it in between all that is coming up and going on?

I have no idea what I am going to do or how to move ahead at this point. Most the time I am full force straight ahead.

I am going to really have to think about it all and figure it all out. I need to look back at my goals I set last year see what I have done and what still needs to be done. Set some new ones and fix some old ones.

2019 Goals

Not sure if my pages will show up in the reader or not so I am going to leave the link here.

2019 Goals

What is The Difference In

Everyone please leave your opinion or thoughts in the comments. I had a thought today and now it has me wondering. I would love to hear what you all think and feel about this. Have a decision on it between anyone who is reading this.

What is the difference in being with someone you feel you can grow with and someone you feel needs fixed?

 

Thinking About Goals

I have been thinking about what new goals I want to set or need to set. What I need to figure out and get done in life. And I am coming up blank. I feel like I need to just live and see where things go in a way. But at the same time I feel that I need to be working toward something. A reason to be doing what I am doing I guess.

I have to know why how and have a reason for what I am doing or it seems pointless or not worth doing. Right now all I am doing is working. I know I am to pay bills but I know that I am going to be making more and that I can do so much more because I am. I need to figure it out and make a plan so that I am not just wasting money week after week. I know I need to and should save and I will to a point but I will spend more than I should because it is like oh well I have it and making more, I’m not saving or working toward anything so it’st just there may as well do this or that with it.

Even though I know I want to get a small truck and save to get another bigger truck for all of us I still just feel like, it’s weeks away it will be alright. I don’t want to feel that way. I need to get back in the mind set of saving and improving. But I can’t get there. Even though I want to and know what I want to do and that I need to save I am in one of those weird moods with money right now. It is like I haven’t had any to spend in so long I am going to just spend for now and when I need to I will start saving. But really I needed to start saving now. But I know I can hold off and wait on getting something small another week or two if I have to and that don’t help either. Tonight I have to make some kind of set of goals if nothing else but what trucks or how much I want to have to put toward a truck and how much I want to save to buy the 2nd one. I would like to spend as little of my tax money as I can. I would rather use my money from working and put my tax money up for savings in case something happens or we meed something.

I think I will work on that tonight when I am not busy at my other job. This day is dragging on here but I am down to the last 55 minutes or so. I hope tonight goes faster than today. It should I am only working 3.5 hours tonight. I won’t get to work my full hours until later when the other guy is gone and I am on my own probably. That sets things back a little bit too so I am just like oh well save later but I need to kick myself in the ass and get started now.

New Goals

I was reading a post the other day talking about goals and that I had accomplished all my goals I had set but one or two. That was moving and I forget what other one but they went together. It was something posted two years ago. I was saying that I needed to set more then but never did and haven’t since then. But I have been okay with that, not really thought about it and just been living. But I feel that maybe I need to work on setting some and get to working on them again. I guess I have had some just nothing set in stone or nothing that I really thought about or what just a few here and there pretty short term things.

Right now I have a bunch of small short term goals that I want to get done with in the next few weeks and months. That is kind of how I have been flying the last few years just fly by. But I feel like I am getting way ahead of myself right now I guess you could say. I think I need to sit down write things out and really put a plan in place because I am all over the place with so many things I want to do and no real plan for anything. But this is things that could cost me a lot of money so I need to slow down and get a plan together.

I have a few weeks before I can really start doing anything. I have to start this new job and get checks coming in. But I can’t wait to get this new chapter started.

Maybe It Isn’t The Stress

Maybe it isn’t the stress that has me feeling like I need to go talk to them right now and figureout where everyone stands on everything. Where I stand and if this is going to open a new chaper in my life or leave me wondering through on my own as always. Maybe it is just me who is wanting to get it done,because I am ready to get up and have a life again and not just live it like I have been. Maybe this isn’t a bad thing at all. Just maybe its all going to turn out good and that is why I feel the need to get it done. Yeah I have no idea what to say or how to start and scared of the reaction and the outcome. I also feel complete peace and am 100% okay with my decision to talk to him tell him how I feel and feel that everything is going to work out with everyone being happer and working toward things they want. Even if there is rejection I am okay with it.

It has been a while since I set goals and made plans and really worked toward them. I told you all a long time ago I had reached most of my goals had to post pon a few. It was time to set some more and make some plans. I think that was right before or right after Father of the Year pulled all this and its just been a whirlwind of trying to keep up with everything and survive get through. Now I am starting to feel stable, I don’t know why because I am carless, not making it on the job i have. But I feel I am in a better mind set than I have been in a long time. It is time to get things rolling again. Maybe because I think I can truely move up by my cousin and soon. That is going to be my main short term goal. That whatever happens we are going to be okay.

I just feel free in so many ways. It is hard to explain. But affter thinking about everything over all I don’t feel that it is stress behind it all at all. Yes I am stressed about some things but not overly. I think I just feel I need to get up and get things done vs. Just doing whatever to get through the day.

A Night At The Beach

The kids have been on my nerves today, I was so tired and had to just get out for a while. I cooked dinner and and was working on my school work. My friend messaged me and I talked to him for a little bit. I told him I was running away I had to get out for a while. He asked where I was going I told him I didn’t know and ask if he wanted to go. He said yeah to let him know when I got ready to leave he would get ready. I finished everything told the kids I was going to get the stuff for lunches and look for a gift I needed to pick up.

I picked him up and we rode around for a little bit. I then went and parked by the pear, we went and walked down the beach and talked, we sat down and talked for a while longer and left. We talked about a little bit of everything and just joked around mostly. We were walking back down the beach and some how age came up and he said how old are you anyway? I told him 37 in December. He said whoa what? I said yep how old did you think I was? He said I don’t know at least like closer to 40. I laughed and ask him how old he was? He said he was 44, I thought he was 43 so I really wasn’t surprised.

After that we went to the store and walked around shopped and talked. I said something to him about what he wanted in life what he wanted to do in life? He said the store wasn’t really the place to have that talk. I said why not we are just walking around talking. He said well I don’t really have plans I don’t have anyone to make them with I don’t like doing things on my own or alone. I said you have to get use to doing things on your own and just live make your plans and then figure out what you want once you meet someone. He didn’t say much after that.

After we left the store he asked me to stop at the place so he could grab something to eat. We ended up sitting there in line forever. I said something to him about what he wanted again he said I don’t have like set plans to do this or that or anything that I want to do. He said I just want to find someone to be with who isn’t going to leave and who isn’t going to be in it for what they can get and just walk away. He said I want someone who knows what a relationship is and is supposed to be and what love mean because it seems that no one knows what that means anymore or what it is to be in a relationship with one person. I said yeah I know how that is. He said I get with someone and I just do and do and give and give and forget about myself and then I end up alone in the end. He said I am tired of being alone I just want to be with someone and enjoy my life. He has been married twice I know and then I think the last girl he was with he was with for a little while. But I am not sure what happen between them.

We talked some more and I took him and dropped him off. I am supposed to pick him up after I drop the kids off at school tomorrow. For some reason he got a text from the boss saying not to come in tomorrow. He asked me if I knew what it was about I told him no I didn’t. He said he didn’t either, because he knew there was work to be done. The only thing I could think of was maybe because he was sick the other day and they don’t want him coming to the shop and making everyone sick but I don’t know.

Making A Plan

As you all know me and the kids want to move out of state we are just waiting on me to get done with school so that we can. We have to still decide where we are going to go and things as well. But the last few months it is starting to seem real. I don’t know why but the last few weeks I have been thinking about it more and really starting to working on the things that have to be done or need to be done to make our plan go as smooth as it can.

I checked my credit and credit score the other day and am working on a few things I think should not be on there. I am hoping they will come off and bring it up a good amount and then I am going to try to get a credit card to help show open line of credit that is good. I hope between the stuff coming off bringing my score up and hopefully going back to work I will be able to get one. If I can’t I guess I will go for a secure card. For a little while to start off. I do not want to carry a huge balance on it, I just want to use it for gas or gas and paying bills on each month. Then pay it off when the statement comes in each month.

If I work between now until the end of the year then I can file taxes. Since Father of the year can’t get any credits and things for the kids then I am going to see if he will just let me file them. That will give me a good amount back in taxes in March. I want to put that away to move on.

I think I will also use part of it for me and the kids to take a road trip Spring Break of next year. We will pick out our top picks that we are considering moving too and go check them out in person. Then hopefully be able to pick one to move to.

If all goes well I would like to move the first week of June. Here the kids get out middle of May that will give us a little time to get things settled up here and get ready to go. That will also give us the Summer to get settled in wherever we go learn our way around and things before the kids go back to school. I hope to go with job leads and be able to start when I get there or shortly after. I want to learn the area and save some money to buy land. I want to buy at least 25 acres. I figure if I have 25 that will give me 5 to put a house on and do with whatever I want to do with it. That will leave me 5 for each of the kids to put a house on if they want to. This way they will have the land just have to put something to live in on it. They will have 5 to do with what they want to do with it. Plus it gives all room to put a place and not be right on top of each other but still be close if we want to. If they don’t want their 5 right away or ever I will have extra do with what I want. But knowing my animal loving kids they will want their 5 to have their animals and all that on.

I want to find an area that is nice, kid friendly, out away from things but not 50 miles from a store and things. We want to be out in the country where we can do what we want and no one is around to care and if they are they don’t. I hate living right on top of people like I do now.

We also want to do a horse program where we do therapy with kids and adults with the horse’s. But that will not happen for another three years or so. Longer term goals to go with our shorter term goals.

We still have not told family other than Father of the Year and I don’t think he thinks we are going to really do it. But he will see when it happens. I have to start filing my papers through the courts about the first of next year as well so that I make sure it gets done by the time I want to go.

Off to research some states.

Not Sure so Posting Here

I am not sure if my pages show up in the reader if I post new ones or not so I am posting the link here. I finished my page with my goals for 2017. I like to make it a page so that I can can find it easily and look back to it often to keep track of progress and be reminded of them.

Here is the link Goals For