{November 26, 2018}   In Need Of a Time Out

I am in need of an adult time out for a week or two. I want to crawl out of my own skin. The two little ones have really been at eachother for days now. The dog will not listen no matter how much we try to show her and train her. She is in stuff 24/7. Then putting up with the bitch on top of it all. I am about ready to snap. Little bitty has been at her worst lately. Nothing I say or do matters try to be nice don’t work, punishment don’t work. It has been a struggle not to just bust her butt like she has never had before. I do not put up with the shit she been doing. I know a lot is going on but it don’t matter at this point she pushing to far and knows good and well what she is doing.

I am so over dealing with the bitch she is a huge reason things are the way they are everyone is in the mood they are in.

Feeling extremely lonely, unloved, uncared about, like a failure, depressed. Tired of being alone and doing this alone. Been thinking about Christmas coming up. Seen the gingerbread house kits in the store, started putting the tree up tonight all got me to thinking about this time last year. How things were then Sleeping Beauty coming to stay helping with things. They did the house’s and he helped with the tree and outside stuff. Everyone relaxed and had a nice time. When the kids got like they are he would step in and help. Or if I wanted to just get out he go for a ride or walk with me. We sit watch tv joke around or talk all hours of the night.

Its just makes me wish I could find someone like that to be more than friends with. Someone to have a future with. Someone to loves me and the kids and wants to do things to help and be with us.

It makes me wonder what is wrong with me? Why am I never good enough? Why don’t anyone want to be with me? Love me?

I try to figure out why I found someone who is everything and then some, but can’t be with him. Why he is so scared? Why he don’t see what we could have how we could grow together and be happy and better off? Or does he because he seems to in all the comments and talking he has done the last year. Hasn’t he seen I truly mean what I say and that I’m not like the rest? Why is he so scared to even sit down and talk?

If he isn’t it or it isn’t meant to be then why can’t I find someone or the one? It isn’t like I have stopped looking, talking or trying to meet people and just waiting on him. I am not going to wait for anyone or stop talking to others just because I am considering something with someone else. Once I find someone I want to have more with and they feel the same then I will. Until then I do what I want to do.

I just hate feeling this way. Lonely is one of the worst feelings ever.

{June 22, 2018}   Dead Batteries

So a few nights ago I was talking to Mr. To Broken on my way home from work. I had not talked to him since he got so mad when he was telling me I have been in two relationships in 6 months and would not tell me what he was talking about.

He started telling me he is talking to 3 different girls and about them. Some how him not being good enough came up as always. I said just because you feel it don’t mean you have to say it. Plaster a smile on your face and fake it until you make it.

He well its true I am not going to lie or fake anything.

I said look no women wants to hear from a guy he is not good enough. A guy I am talking to says to me I’m not good enough, you can bet I am going to believe him and move on to someone else. If he thinks he isn’t good enough then why waste time.

I could tell he didn’t like it but it got him to thinking. He said you just something. I said so even if you don’t fake it. It is okay to fake something’s.

We went on talking he kept coming back to being upfront and honest blah, blah.

I finally said look if you go to the store to buy a pack of battiers and one pack say dead battiers. Are you going to buy the pack that says they are already dead or find a pack that is good? I said I’m not going to buy the dead ones for sure.

After a little bit he seemed as if it clicked and made since. I hope it did but who knows with him. I said hell I do not always feel I am on level or good enough for some of the guys that talk to me either. But I slap on a smile talk and flirt and see where it goes. Sometimes it turns out good sometimes it goes no where. But it isn’t a big deal either way all we were doing was talking to see where it goes.

He don’t believe in talking or talking to more than one person at a time. To him if your talking getting to know someone that is the only person you should be talking to. He gets so mad these girls are talking to other guys when they are talking. It don’t mater if they been on a date or not. To him if your talking your the one and that is it as far as he is concerned.

I should bust his balls on that next time I talk to him. Why is he talking to 3 at one time.

I am happy for him, I hope one of these works out for him. But from what he has told me I expect to hear from him how it didn’t workout unless he really thinks about what I said and changes. No one wants a dead battery.

You know I have talked to and dated some guys, that have told me they felt I was to good for them or they weren’t good enough for me. But there was a huge difference in them and Mr.To Broken.

It was after we had been talking awhile we had really gotten to know eachother. The preconceived ideas were gone. They weren’t desperate to find someone and they weren’t saying it in a way as to get me to go away. They just had a different idea what I was looking for or my type or what. Where as he truly feels he is not good enough for anyone ever. His is from lack of confidence.

{May 14, 2018}   Not Dumb, But Scared

Because we intimidate them. They don’t get what we see in them or why we want them. They feel as if they aren’t good enough. But if they weren’t they wouldn’t be there to start with. They don’t see what we see in them. They feel that they aren’t good enough and worry we are going to feel the same once we get finished bettering ourselves. They feel if we can do all this and making something for ourselves we are going to decide we need a man who is doing the samething for himself and them if they are going to be together. They feel they aren’t in step or on the same level anymore.

When the truth is they are most the time. I know a lot of guys that I have dated and talk to haven’t been to college or anything like that. But they all have decent jobs or careers. They have a trade or field they have picked up and just went with it. Some have more than one they can fall back on. They work hard and just your everyday person. That’s fine, there is nothing wrong with it. I am your average everyday person as well. I just happen to of decided to go back to school to do better for me and my kids. Because unlike these guys, I can’t just fall into these decent jobs and trades like most of them have. Only way I can do better is to go back to school. That don’t make me better than them or them not good enough. It just means I want to beable to help and do my part. If his job or anything was a problem I never got with them to start with. As long as he keeps working, continues to be the person he has always been then he is going to always be the one I want to be with. They just don’t see it that way.

I don’t think they are dumb as much as they are scared. I think men are more scared of change than women are honestly.

Don’t get me wrong I am know there are some who are just stupid and do stupid shit. But I think a lot of them are intimidated.

But I will get down off my soap box and hush now.

et cetera
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