Single___Parent___Life











{July 31, 2020}   Maybe He will Leave Too

Do not sabotage your new relationship with your last relationship’s poison.    Steve Maraboli

I seen the above picture and saying and it just fit my day so well unfortunately. I think I told you all about J.W. going away for his daughter’s high school graduation and 19th birthday. With the covid mess graduation was put off as most were. It is finally here. I hadn’t really thought about it. I am happy for him. He is going to get to see all 3 of his kids, brother and mom. He hasn’t seen them in awhile.

I took the morning off to drive him to the airport. I got up and went over like always. He was packed and ready so we slept for a bit. Then got up and went to get his hair cut and head out. I wanted to go get breakfast but I got the times messed up. He was leaving an hour earlier than I thought. So we went got coffee and gas and I dropped him off.

But as soon as I open my eyes this morning before I could roll over and get off the bed these thoughts went through my head.

R.C. went on a trip, he went to see his kid, he flew there for a few days and flew home. You know what happen then he left you. He didn’t want anything to do with you. Isn’t it interesting JW’s flying out to see his kids, you’re not going, his ex is going to be there too. He hasn’t seen or talked to her in years. Wonder what he’s going to do when he gets back? He’s probably going to get rid of you too. You have so much baggage why wouldn’t he? This is the perfect time. He can just come home ignore you or tell you how great it was to see his ex and he don’t want this anymore.

All this went through my mind in a matter of seconds as I open my eye’s and rolled over. I was already bothered by having to go to the next county to take him to the airport. I hate driving over there with all the highways and roads criss crossing and tolls. I didn’t need or want to deal with these thoughts and feelings on top of it. I tried to forget it. I kept telling myself it wasn’t true, he isn’t like that, things are different between us. All the things you tell yourself when you have these thoughts. But you know how that is, it don’t work.

I kept wanting to ask him if we were alright? If anything was wrong? I wanted to ask him if he was sure he was happy with us or if there was anything he wasn’t happy with. I did manage to get through the morning without saying anything to him. But later realised I was kind of distant and withdrawn.

I posted a different saying or what on Facebook. Later after work I was talking to Bff and she asked what it was about. I broke down and could hardly tell her. She was thinking about RC but not about his trip. Then she said oh yeah I forgot about that. We were talking. She kept saying he is nothing like RC he loves you so much you can see it and the way he treats you and does for you. I know it but i can’t stop the thoughts.  I went to the fast food place to get a float and their machine was down. I went to back out of line and turn around and I backed into the car behind me. He was so close I did not see him in any of my mirrors. I got out all I could do was tell him how sorry I was i didn’t see him. His car looked fine mine did he said everything was good not to worry about it. I always look around me. I don’t just use my mirrors but I was just upset and tired. Just looked at them and went.

I still want to message JW see what he is doing and ask him if we are okay. I have heard from off and on all day. He told me he was there then after work he told me he was at the room with his mom and one of his daughters. We talked about the accident a little. When he told me he was at the motel he told me he wish i had come with him and how he missed me later.

But now I lay here it is a little after 12 and I thinking why hasn’t he said anything? Why hasn’t he said goodnight or I love you? Something must be wrong. He must be mad about something. He is to busy to even say goodnight. He must not really care or he would of. RC didn’t call or message you either other than to tell you what you did wrong or didn’t do. I know it is crazy not true but it makes me feel so sick. He is gone for 3 more days. He will be back Sunday evening around dinner time. I just don’t know if I will make it without saying something. I don’t want to mess his trip up.



I have hardly been around the last few days because we have had so much going on. Since Tuesday we have had daycare play and awards, kindergarten graduation and field trips.  By the time I get home I am so tired all I want to do is fall into my bed and I can’t. I have to make sure everyone eats, has clothes for the next day and the dog gets fed and walked before I go to my room for the night. My body hurts from head to toe right now. I would love nothing more than a nice long full body massage. But we all know that will not be happening.

Monday night Little Bitty comes home with a slip of pepper that says I will be in a play tomorrow night when the vpk kids have their graduation. Surprised to say the least, trilled not at all, I love going to things like this with the kids and for the kids, I do not love getting informed of them last minute. Of course I went I wouldn’t miss it for anything. Little Bitty played a duck in the play they sang a few songs done a verse or two and then they all received their awards. She got her promotion to vpk award and I can not remember for the life of me what other award (I know horrible Mommy) I think something to do with being good or a good friend or something. I will have to get it out of the truck and see. I am not dressed it will have to wait, but she received 2. I was proud of her, she was standing by her best friend the older kids, teachers, grandson. They were so cute standing up there together.

Thursday night Big Guy had kindergarten graduation and reception after words. That was last day of therapy in the office for Big Boy and we didn’t get done with that until 4. I was going to pick the kids up at 530 and go help set up the reception, but they called me right before 5 and told me that Big Guy was sick. They said that he slept the two hours he been in daycare and that when he got up he was stumbling and fell down. I told her I would be right there. I picked him up brought him home and he was saying his tummy hurt and he was bent over in pain and hardly able to walk. I got him to rest a little bit but he wanted to go to his play and graduation. I told him I thought maybe we should stay home and see how he did we may need to go to the doctor and get checked out. He said he wanted to try and get ready to go. I told him if he was able to get ready and go then we would but if he got worse we would have to leave. By the time he got there he was like a different kid, I don’t know what was wrong with him he said his side hurt and his tummy. Thank goodness he made it through everything came home and passed right back out. He had his field trip today and he was fine and went on it with no problems. I am hoping it is nothing to bad just a fluke.

Today the bigger kids had their field trip as well, I got to go with them as their school paid for me and them to go. I feel horrible I missed out on Big Guys trip but I had to drive my own car, pay gas, tolls, and my way to go and I can’t drive my truck the way it is and I had no money for gas or tolls. But he had a blast he got to ride the roller coasters and things like that. I would not have been able to get on them and if I hadn’t gotten on he probably wouldn’t have either. I am glad he did and had fun and my fear didn’t hold him back from going and trying something new. It was so hot I probably would have been sick as well and I would have had to leave a lot earlier than they did to be back in time for the other three kids. I can not wait to have him over here with the big kids so that they will all go on trips together and I can be there for them all more.

I am just so happy it is Friday and hope that I can go to sleep here really soon and sleep in tomorrow. I hope the little ones sleep in but I am not sure as one has been out for a few hours now. The last few weekends though she hasn’t been one to get up to early so maybe I will get lucky tomorrow as well. I am going to go take my medication and go to bed. I can hardly hold me eyes open right now, I want to take advantage of it because if I don’t I will be wide awake in a few minutes.



et cetera
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