{April 7, 2020}   A Grandma Who Bakes

The other night I came home and the witch started her shit again as soon as I walked in. I don’t know what Little Bitty done but she was saying stuff about her or to her and things. We really got into it over that. I just walked past her went to my room and shut the door. Let her talk to herself. I am not dealing with her fighting with her all the time. She will stand there at the door and throw a fit half the time it pisses her off. Then it really pisses her off that I don’t respond to her. I don’t care.

Me and Little Bitty got ready and got in bed it was late and we were going to watch our show together anyway. She was sitting up here on the bed talking to me and she had come back to the door saying something again. Little Bitty looked over at me and said I wish we had a Grandma that bakes us cookies and things instead of one who is always mean and nasty.

I told her I wish she did too and that I was sorry.

Was thinking about how things were when I was growing up until I was in my teens pretty much. My family was close, I was really close to my grandparents and aunts. I use to stay with my grandparents all the time. We always had the holidays there and my grandma always cooked, baked and made things nice.

My mom has never been that way. She will tell you she never wanted grand kids but then sit up and tell them how horrible they have it so much she does for them and all this. She even tried to tell me how she paid all my bills here. I am mad because she stopped. I would like to know how she pays almost $2000 in bills a month when she has no job and no money coming in. Big question of the night. If she was paying all my bills then why couldn’t she just keep her place and pay all her bills so she didn’t have to live here? They were less than mine by far. She couldn’t pay them that is why she is here and she can’t move and pay them now because she don’t have money and gets a very little bit monthly. She couldn’t pay for a place on her own. But she paid all my bills.

{September 23, 2019}   Worried About My Boys

Last week bff called me and told me that she seen on R.C’s ex father in laws page that his wife died. I didn’t even know that she was sick or had been. I hadn’t really looked at their pages in a long time. I look once in a while and look at pictures and save them for my Little Bitty. She don’t know she has brothers or sisters but I want her to. I plan to tell her, but I don’t know when or how. It will probably be in the not to far future. She has made comments about her dad having other kids but hadn’t put the two together. I don’t know what will happen once we go to court once we get a date. But I am sure that things will probably come up.

I do not know how things are or have been with the boys and their mother. I don’t know if she has been doing okay or not. I know she had another baby around the time I had Little Bitty. That guy wasn’t in the picture and she was staying with her mom. I know they seem to be doing pretty good there. But I think at one point she had moved out and they may not have been talking by somethings that her mom had posted on her profile. But then someone told me that she had been staying there and helping with her mom since she been sick.

But I know that someone else passing away was when she started taking pills and ended up hooked on them. Even if she has been doing good all this time and things her being there taking care of her mom through this and then her passing I am worried this could push her over the edge. Her step dad is back over seas working like he has been the last 7 or 8 years. She passed on the 29 of August he got in town that day or night and left around the 17 of September. I don’t know if he has plans of coming home to stay at any point or not. I am guessing probably not if he didn’t all this time that his wife was here and sick and things. There isn’t really anything to come home to.

But at this point the boys really have no one to look out for them and take care of them if she don’t or gets back on something. I worry where they are going to go or what is going to happen with them. I kind of wish that I had reach out sooner and tried to let them have a relationship with them. Maybe it would have worked out and at least I would be seeing them and know if something was happening or going on. I don’t know at least give them someone to talk to come to for help if it happens.

I don’t know how the kids are doing or handling all this either because they were all so close to her. If she is in any state of mind to help them deal with it all either. I worry about that as well.

I don’t know if she is online or post much because I never see anything from her. Once in awhile he will post something but not often since he isn’t home. Most the time the things I got were from the moms page. I may watch and see when he is going to be home again and reach out to him about getting the kids together. See what he says. I honestly hadn’t up to this point because of the mother. I didn’t want to get involved with her and the way she is. I figured she would tell her not to. Just the way she was in the past.

{May 17, 2017}   Long Talk With Great Granda

Today I dropped the kids off at school and ran to the bank for my mom I was going to run to the library and then go by to talk to her. The next thing I knew I was pulling up at her house. Something just kept saying go now, go now, thinking about everything I passed the library and everything. I went ahead and went up her door was closed I was worried she wouldn’t be home or would still be sleeping. I rang her bell and was waiting the lady next to her always comes out when she hears someone come over there. She said knock loud I said I rang the bell want to give her time to get to the door and don’t want to wake her up if she hasn’t gotten up. She said no she is up she was earlier just knock. I did and a lady answered the door, I ask for her she told me to come in and she came walking out of the tv room. She was happy to see me we went in and sat in the living room, she was telling me how excited she was to see me and asking how the kids were and everything. I told her how the kids were moving up at school we were on the last 2 weeks and everything. we talked for a little bit.

Then I told her I come by to see her but I also come by to see if she knew how to get a hold of Father of the Year. She said I think that we would have to go through the family to do or would be best to go through the family to do. I said well they have been called they do not answer and they don’t call back. I told her everything that had happen, how he left and refuses to pay me, how he told me he wasn’t giving me no more money, that he called the police on me wouldn’t even talk to him kids, left everything he owned, changed his phone number, blocked me and everything else. She was shocked and didn’t know what to say. She said his mom was gone up north with his brother and his family and that his dad was taking care of his own things but that she was going to get a hold of him and that hopefully he would do what was right and get a hold of him and get him to do what was right or at least on his side do what was right. She said I can’t make him and I don’t know what he will do and he has done somethings I do not approve of or think is right over the years but all I can do is get a hold of him and hope for the best and hope that the family will stand behind you and support you and make sure the kids have what they need and thing. She said I don’t know how that will be or happy but I am going to get right on this and see if I can’t get something to happen.

She said a few times she was willing to do whatever she could and be the go between with his parents and things. She said I know his dad has never treated you the nicest or treated you right. She said it has always bothered me and I have said something to him about it many times but it never mattered. I said no he hasn’t and I said that’s one reason I never came to the family or brought it up to the family that there was a problem or problems I figured what was the point they didn’t care for me anyway. I said but now it has come to a point that I just need to get a hold of him and ask him to give me what he owes for his kids and to pay his part every month like he is supposed to. I said and I can’t talk to him or get a hold of him so I am asking that someone talk to him and see if they can figure out what is going on with him and where he is coming from. I said I know he tells everyone he pays me and gives me all this money and he see’s the kids and does things with them or leads them to believe it but he don’t. I told her how he told my mom he was paying me and couldn’t pay her and he was telling me he was paying things there and couldn’t pay me. That he has nothing to show for his money and no one knows what he is really doing with it how he started screaming at me he wasn’t on drugs but many people had been asking me if he was. I told her how he has never taken the kids for an over night or out of my house to do anything other than to run to the store to grab something that he may come over a few times a month and see them for a few hours or the day and that was it. She was shocked. She kept saying I am so glad that you came and told me what is going on and what has been going on and this isn’t right and the family is going to stand behind you and support you and do what we can I hope I can get his dad to listen and do what is right here. I said I think he is hoping that I end up homeless so that he can then take the kids from me. Before I could say anything else she said he can’t do that he can’t handle taking care of them!! I said I know and he has told me that out of his own mouth but that is why it took me years to get the divorce because he had money for a lawyer and he till me if I went to file and get it done he was going to get a lawyer and he was going to take the kids from me and things. I told her how we talked before about him getting tested or evaluated because something wasn’t right and how he say yes he knew but then 5 minutes later turn around and scream at me he was fine it was me and how me and the kids were tired of the abuse and walking around on eggshells all the time never knowing when he was going to blow up again or over what little thing next. I told her how every house we have ever lived in has holes in the walls from him, how my house now has holes in the walls and the bathroom sink broken in two places and how I can’t even call the people over here to do repairs that need to be done because if they see it I will be thrown out in the street for tearing the place up. But that I do not have money to fix it.

She said you have some really good kids, they are good in school, they are happy, well mannered, well rounded kids. She said someone has done a good job with them and she said I have to say I think it is because of you not him. She said I will back you in any court filings or anything like that you have to do and I hope that the family will as well. She said his mom is very upset over it all and how the relationship is and things. She said you all are the only family she has close anymore the kids and she don’t get to see them. I said I am not keeping them from any of you at all. I said I tell him all the time why don’t you take the kids to see your mom and dad? Why don’t you take them over to see your grandma? I said every time I do he says his mom and dad are busy or away and that you have company or went away. I said or he has no money when he is making good money he should have no problem with gas to come see any of you all. I said I think he don’t want me and the kids around either one of you all because he is worried what he is really doing is doing to come out or what he isn’t doing I should say will come out that they hardly see daddy he is behind and hardly pays he never does anything or takes them. Or that I am going to tell the truth and how it really is. I said I really think that is it. I didn’t think I should have told her that even when we are together or have parties and things for the kids I tell him to invite them all but he never does and says oh I didn’t get a chance or forgot when he knows week in advance. Like she said because of the way his dad has always treated me I do not call and speak to them or talk to them about things. Because I figure he don’t care anyway, I am sure he is happy to have me out of the picture and don’t figure he will even care when it comes to all this. I told her I knew that Father of the Year had borrowed money from his dad a few times to help us out here and there and that I gave it to him to give back to him and he didn’t he take it spend it or whatever when I asked he wouldn’t have it and hadn’t given it back. I said I borrowed money my self one time from them and I took it cash in hand to his mom to return it myself because she is the one that came with me and gave it to me and his dad and mom both said not to worry about it, it was a gift for our new house use it for that. I said but the other money came from his dad and I did not borrow it but I always made she he had it to give back and he didn’t and the way he his dad treated me I stop going around them both long before we split up. She said I don’t blame you and I understand, I don’t know why he has been that way toward you.

I don’t know if she got a hold of his dad or not and I don’t know what he said. She asked me for my phone number again and said she was going to be calling him right away to try and see what could be and needed to be done about this. She asked what he paid and what he was behind and things like that. When I needed the money by and things. I told her I just put a few dollars in gas and would be putting the last I had in gas tomorrow or the next day and I would have no more money for anything after that. She said okay and that she would get back in touch with me very soon and things. I don’t know if she will or not but maybe one of them can talk to him and talk some since in to him or he will feel a some kind of something for them having to get involved if they do and do what he needs to. I don’t care at this point why he pays as long as he pays. I told her I should have money put away but I don’t because as soon as he knows I have any he stops paying until he knows I have none. How he use to make me take every dime I had to pay the bills and then I would have to ask him for even a dollar if I needed it and things. She was not happy she said I believe you, I believe everything you are telling me and something is not right with this and it is wrong he was no raised like this.

I do not expect anything but if they do come through and help or get him to that will be a life saver and at this time whatever little bit helps.

{October 23, 2016}   Ranting

I don’t even know what to call this post but I am pissed off. I had not heard from Father of the Year in two or three days I was happy. I also had not heard from my mother in as many or more days just as good.

Tonight the kids wanted to watch some dvds that we got and wasn’t sure where the player was or how to hook it up. I told them and they tried and then they moved wires around and tried some more and couldn’t get it to work.

My oldest called her dad to ask him how to get it hooked up and they had the same that we already had, black and white and busing. Then he wants me on the phone so I get on the phone and he starts, what was I doing, why wasn’t I hooking it up, why didn’t I help them. I told him I had that it wasn’t working I didn’t know anymore about trying to fix it than they did other than just hooking and unhooking wires. Now I am back there trying to figure it out I finally got sound and no busing. He keeps saying this and that I told him to wait I was trying to figure out what we had and what was going on. He keeps on and on. The cords are color coded so it should be easy but it isn’t because we have cords of one color and different colors on the player or he tv.

He starts this shit what is wrong with you what are you doing? Then he says two or three times to me are you drinking? Have you been drinking? I’m like no there is nothing wrong with me your phone is cutting in and out again. I’m not drinking I don’t know what you are talking about. He keeps on again sounds like your drinking you have been drinking what are you doing bullshit. I tell him I am find I don’t know what he is talking about and that we have it hooked up. He says he has to go he is driving and trying to get home. I tell him fine we have it he wasn’t being any help anyway not making any since we have it working.

We get it going sit down and just get into the movie, my friend called I was talking to her about all that is going on with her and someone knocks on my door. I look out and it is him and my mother. I was so pissed then they sat here for like two hours. Of course we have a couch full of clothes that need folded because we have been doing laundry today the dog had just pissed on my carpet lovely. The dog was excited to see people here so she was trying to get out the door and see her.

She starts freaking out about the dog and she is such a bad dog and she was trying to attack her and she shouldn’t act that way when you bring someone in the house and she shouldn’t bark when she is in the cage and there is someone in your house she can see them. Yes she is going to bark and try to get to you she wants to see who you are, yeah she is going to bark at you when your in her house and she is in the cage because she hasn’t got to see who you are or anything about you and now she is locked in a cage your in her house with her family and she don’t know you. She is the same way when we are in the yard and someone walks by but if she gets lose she runs over smells and licks them. Any dog is going to bark and things when you are coming around their property or in their house and they are being restrained from coming up to you but you are coming up on them. Then telling the kids how she is a bad mix of different breeds of “bad” dogs and how we need to get rid of her. How she pee on the carpet and it’s dirty and making the house dirty. I was trying to roll the carpet up and take it out when they came and I will go out and scrub it with cleaner and the hose tomorrow. She would not have pee in the carpet if they had taken her out. She does really good now that she is older and house trained but she still can’t hold it forever and needs to go more often and faster than the other dog they try to put her off as long as they can or until they are forced to take her out. Then she will have accidents. But for the most part she is good about not going in the house.

Then she is asking me what night I want him to “watch” the kids. No not watching them taking them being a dad and doing what he is supposed to do and have the when it is his time. I said I might go out. It was with who and where and I shouldn’t do that and all that goes on these days. On and on she went. Then in a little bit she said something then says so you don’t want him to come and watch them then? I said no I didn’t say that I said I didn’t know I haven’t decided. I haven’t found anyone that don’t have plans or already doing something but I am still trying to decide what I am going to do.

Then she was back on the dog and started about RC and how I never wanted a bull dog until I was with him. How they have these dogs and teach them to be mean and how tough a dog they have. Farthest thing from the truth and she had no clue what she is talking about. yeah he had one but no one was trying to make it mean or anything like that. Far from it he worked and worked with that dog even as good as he was because of the kids and to make sure he was good with them. He worked and got him so that he wouldn’t take food out of your hand and things even from the little kids unless they gave it to him because of my little one when we started going over there. The reason I have a dog with the mix in her is because I didn’t know my dog was in heat she was out and got pregnant. We had already been talking about getting another dog because we had always had two and our other passed the year before. Then we found out she was pregnant I wasn’t going to have this little of puppy’s give them all away or take them to the shelter and dump them like she wanted us to do and then go get another one. She has a littler of puppy’s then keep one. Keeps one more puppy out of the shelter and off the street. Not add to the shelter and then go get another one because it isn’t what you picked. Hell the shelter gave me one that was horrible with my kids after refusing to give me the one that was great with them. It’s all in how they are raised and these three dogs that she is talking about she done said before the owners were mean to them didn’t treat them right and things. Now she says oh they were raised there and been there since they were puppy’s blah blah. One I know they had, had problems with them from the time they got him I don’t know where they got him but he tried attacking a few people then they woke up with him attacking them. It was no surprise and no compairasen to my dogs who I have had the one since birth and know how she has been treated and taken care of and always around my kids. The other I have had sine she was 6 weeks old and know the people I got her from very well. Neither have been miss treated or tried to attack anyone not even her even though she says she does every time she comes over. She is a barker and she is a puppy she is excited to see people when they come over and to get attention.

Then he is texting me after he gets home telling me how worried he is about me and he thinks I need to get checked out and something is wrong. I wasn’t answering him and there was a delay when I was. He thinks there is something wrong from when I wrecked my truck and things. I said no I was answering you but I told you to hold on I was trying to do something and your phone kept cutting in and out. I started ignoring you and went on doing what I was trying to do like I told you I was. I also told you I was fine and that I wasn’t drinking but your just trying to start shit for whatever reason you are. He says I don’t know what you are talking about and I still care about you and this is hard. What was the big deal we came over what are you trying to hide. I said I wasn’t trying to hide anything we were trying to clean up get stuff done here and I have tons of school work to get done it’s 10 something at night, now it is after 1 and nothing had gotten done they haven’t gotten to watch their movies or anything else. He says no you weren’t you were watching movies not doing things. Like he knows what we have been doing or what we are doing. I said no your not here and don’t know we were putting the movie in for the little kids and trying to get stuff done so that I can do my school work and the kids can watch movies too.

They just piss me off, the kids don’t even want to go over there. They want to see him but they don’t want to go stay over there and he isn’t going to keep coming here and hanging out either. He hasn’t been coming over very often at all or calling and I haven’t been contacting him or trying to get a hold of him until the kids wanted to last tonight then he pulls this shit.

Ah she started about my stove and having stuff sitting on it. Someone left the box of ice cream cones on it when we were having ice cream so my house is going to burn down and the kids are going to get stuck in the house. Make sure everything is off of it when we go to bed at night you never know and what might happen.


{February 4, 2015}   A Grandma I Never Knew

With my dad being sick and having to fill out paper work for the doctors, hospice and answer questions has left me thinking about my grandma lately. She died before I was ever born not sure how long before and my dad was in his early 20’s maybe not even 20 yet. My aunts and uncles were all pretty young. I knew she wasn’t that old either but wasn’t really sure how old she was.

No one really knows what she died from. They say she had some kind of disease that effected her brain. From what I have heard she got to where she couldn’t take care of herself or control bodily functions and things. I really wish I knew what was wrong and what she passed from because of the things my son has wrong and because of the things my cousins son has going on.

I know my dad helped her and took care of her a lot before she went to live with family out of state.

When she passed it hit my dad really, really hard. He didn’t go to her funereal or anything.

When my dad was answering the questions for the hospices people they wanted to know about his parents. If they were alive how they passed and things. I don’t know why but my dad said she had cancer. I don’t know why he thinks that at all. I had never until that day heard him say anything about her having cancer, or anyone else ever saying that. They always say they don’t know what she had that she choked to death eating.

My dad named me when I was born and named me after his mom. I think that is part of why we are so close too. I see him just looking at me sometimes the last few weeks since he has been sick and has gotten to where he can’t talk. I wonder what he is thinking about or if he is thinking about his mom and how he took care of her.

I said something to my mom the other night about him saying she had cancer. She said not that she had ever heard or been told. But she did have tumors and maybe that is why he thought she had cancer. But I wonder that long ago if they were able to tell if it was cancer and really do anything for it. How good medical test and things were then. She started talking about her and things and she said she was only 37 year old when she passed a way. I was kind of surprised and shocked. I don’t know why I knew she was young and pretty much knew she was only in her 30’s but wasn’t sure on the exact age.

That night on the way home I couldn’t help but think about it. My grandma was only 3 years older than me when she passed and she had been sick for a little while before she passed. I am guessing she was sick for at least a year or more before she passed. Just from everything that I have heard and putting two and two together. It has always been a hush hush not talked about thing. So just little stuff that came out over the years.

I never brought it up with my dad or talk to him about her. I knew how hard it was for him and how hard it still was for him. I was around my grandpa a lot when I was little but not as much after about 5 or so when he moved a way. It was always a touchy subject with him too. My aunts and uncles were so young that I don’t think they really knew much of anything.

But the fact she was so young I still can’t get past. Maybe I never asked how old she was exact when it was brought up because I didn’t want to know. I sit and look at the kids and everything that is going on in life good and bad. I think wow I could not be here in a year or two. Not that couldn’t be with any of us. But you know……. not knowing what she had or what caused it and being told it is hereditary and can skip a generation and things.


{January 17, 2015}   Happy 90 th Birthday

There is one person out of father of the years family that I absolutely love to death and really thought I would have the most problems with when things happen between me and father of the year. That is his grandma, she is one of the nicest people you will ever meet. I have never heard her have a bad thing to say about anyone ever. She is just the sweetest thing. I never would have guessed that on December 28 a few days after my 34 th birthday she would be turning 90. She is over all in pretty good health. She had some problems a few years a go, well about 4/5 I guess around the time I had my last son. She started getting dizzy and falling down. I am not sure what they ever decided was wrong but I know she is no longer aloud to drive.

She loves to go to church and be involved in things at the church. She volunteered at the church most days. They were going to put her on the pay roll because she was there so much. She told them she didn’t want them too she did it because she liked to do it. She went to the jail and seen the inmates there and did bible lessons with them. She wrote some who were in jail and prison. She has been at the church since it started. She seems to know everyone and everyone knows who she is.

I was very surprised that when I decided that I was done and getting a divorce that she was so supportive. I figured when she asked us to come over she was going to try to convince me to stay with him or what and she never did. She still to this day has always been very supportive and always comes right over to give me a hug and see how things are any time I see her at something or out. She tells me all the time to come over and see her and to bring the kids to see her. She just loves my little bitty even considering she isn’t father of the years. She don’t treat her any different. I was a little surprised the last few days being with his family most of them just played and played with her and talked about how smart she was and fun she was. I don’t know how many of them know or don’t know other than his parents. They have always treated us different so they don’t count.

Father of the years family put out a birthday invite for a surprise party they were doing today months ago. Made this big deal about it and make sure to save the date and things. We all did the space thing yesterday and then done her party today. We got there and was there on time well we got there at like 2 or 3 minutes after. I consider it to be on time. They rented a big room from the church up the street from his uncles house to have it. I thought it was odd because she is so big in her church and things that they would have probably let them have a room for free. They let us have one for free to have our wedding reception in when we got married because his grandma did so much there and he had done a lot of work on the church and with them. We hadn’t even asked they called us and told us they would like for us to use one of their halls if we still needed a place. Even if they had to pay for it it wouldn’t have been a lot. But they didn’t do it there they did it at this other place that I don’t know that anyone even goes to church there.

About a hour after we all got there his uncle stood up and said something about now that everyone was there but his son. He wasn’t happy his son wasn’t there yet. All that was there was the family that was there yesterday and a few others who came in today for the party. They live here just other parts of the state. He said what he had to say and we all went on and did whatever. They had some soups and stew and refreshments and done the cake over the next two hours. Then everyone left and went back to his uncles house for a post party and some kind of presentation. I am not sure what that was or all about as we opted out of doing this and came home. We were gone all day yesterday and went to the house because he wanted to see all the family one one one before they left. He figured at the party there would be a lot of people and things he wouldn’t get to see them or talk to them that much. Then today they say they are having this post party thing. We had things we needed to take care of today before he goes back to work so we told them we were going to go and not come to the house. Oh at the party they did some pictures with all the family and then each of the families and things. Other than that they didn’t do anything.

Father of the year after we left he was shocked that none of his grandma’s friends were there. He didn’t know why or what. I told him I don’t think they were invited. I do not believe for one minute that if they invited her friends that not one of them would have showed up or at least dropped by for a few minutes even if they couldn’t stay long. The way his uncle said now that we are all here expect… I know they didn’t. I don’t know why they didn’t invite her friends or what is going on there either. I am not in the loop I have never been in the loop even when we were together and things were good for us. I was never there cup of tea or meet their standards.

But like father of the year said I think she was a little disappointed that her friends weren’t there and was expecting something different than what it turned out to be. I don’t know why if they didn’t invite anyone other than family they needed this place to have it or why they needed to have everyone go back to his uncles house after the party to do this presentation. Why not do it there at the part? I felt kind of bad everyone was going out and leaving together. She was standing there inside still and I told her we were going to go home that with the way his work is and time off that as soon as he got off we met up with them then got up and came to the party we had to take care of some stuff. She said oh I had some things for your family I will have to get with you later to give it to you. But it stuff that needed to get done I have asked and asked him to help me get done and under control and the baby was getting pretty tired and cranky. I didn’t want her to have a fit why everyone was doing what they were and cause problem. She asked how my dad was and things. We talked for a little bit and she understood. She tells me all the time how good I do with the kids and how good they are and I am always making sure they are taken care of and things.  She told me a few weeks ago she wanted to get together and have lunch one day.

I would like to try and take her soon but I have to wait until the first. With father of the year missing so much work the other week and taking extra days off he shouldn’t have. He had no excuse for missing the last two days he missed other than just not going. So mad but that is how he is. Anyway his check was super short this week and then they took the money out because he owes them all that. I am down to maybe enough to last until pay day. If we don’t I don’t know what we will do.

I have to say over all today was a pretty good day. It went a lot better than I expected it to with his family. I was surpised when I went out after talking with his grandma a lot of them were standing around outside the door waiting on his grandma. The kids gave everyone hugs and things. His older brother came over and gave me a hug and said he hope things started getting better the rest of the year. He had come over and sat down with me and was talking to me during the party he ask how my sister was doing and about school with the kids. He asked if I was going to homeschool through high school I told him as long as we lived around here I would be homeschooling them. If we were here for high school then yes. I said we were looking at moving in the next few months but with finding out my dad was sick it was put on hold for now I couldn’t move off with him being sick. He asked about that and things. Then his younger brother came over and gave me a hug and I don’t think he has ever given me a hug in all the years that I have been in the family. Hell I don’t know that he has spoke more than 10 words to me all the the time. He was a selective mute from the time he was in kinder until after he moved out of the house and out of state. I think other than hi let me give you a hug is all he said to me all this weekend.

But I have always liked his brothers I know and understand why his younger brother was the way he was. He has always treated me fine and like anyone else. He knows how his dad is and how his mom is because of his dad. His mom is nice but I know she is the way she is because of his dad and the way he treats her as well. His older brother has always been really nice and everything when he is around. He loves the kids.


{January 8, 2014}   So Much Respect For

People who work in the medical field especially the RN’s, CNA’s, Tech’s and caregivers. The people who have the most hands on with the patients. It has been on my mind the last few days. They are jobs I couldn’t do.

My grandma is living with us she just came back my birthday. She hasn’t taken her meds since the first week of November or so and it is starting to really show. She of course thinks she don’t need it so she won’t take it. It has been very stressful. She thinks everyone is out to get her, they are trying to do stuff to her, watching her following her. She accuses us all of not wanting her here and doing stuff. She says it is all gang related. The other day she started on ex yelled at him that she closed her vent in her room. She swears that something is coming out of it and burning her skin. Other people sleep in the same room and under the same vent they are fine and there is nothing on her skin. But implied he open it over her bed and put something in it to burn her skin. Thats why she yelled it at him. She was accusing me of I don’t even remember what now she has a few times the last few days. All the while the kids are all sitting right there why this is all going on. It is driving me crazy. I don’t even want to be here and around her. She has been this way for a few years now. I have hardly went around her. They keep telling me how she is doing and how she is coming up with something this one or that one done all the time how she didn’t want no one to come over I just stayed away. I know she is sick and she needs the meds but I still can’t handle dealing with her when she won’t take them. Last night she was yelling and going on about something and just wouldn’t stop. My mom finally told her to hush and go to bed. She went up and laid down. If she hadn’t she wouldn’t have stopped she would have kept on.

She has od’d twice and threatening to leave now. We took all her meds the ones she takes she has to ask for and we give them to her when she needs them. It is such a mess. I think it is worse because my mom tries to tell her that what she is saying isn’t true and how it is and it becomes a argument. I just ignore her and let her ramble say what she wants and go on. The second time she od d they put her up there for a couple weeks or more. She keeps telling her that if she don’t take her meds like she is supposed to they are going to have to put her back in there.  Know arguing with her isn’t going to get anywhere rather she is right or wrong she thinks it is true and your aren’t going to change her mind. We are trying to see what we can do to make her take it but I know there really isn’t anything you can do if they don’t want to take it you can’t make her.

When she was at my house and taking it she was doing so good. She would play with the baby get on the floor and sit with her pick her up and do stuff with her for her. Now she don’t want to touch her afraid someone is going to say she hurt her or gave her something. she won’t hug or touch the other kids or play with them. She comes down stairs sits on this one kitchen chair and sits there all day. Have to tell  her to go eat and things. I go out of here right by or to the store everyday. She can get in the truck and go anytime she wants to or tell me what she wants and have me pick it up. I ask her everytime before I leave if she wants something or if she needs anything. Ask her every day what she wants for breakfast what she would like to have for dinner or any ideas for dinner. She says no no no or she don’t know or don’t care. Then telling us the other day she needs fruit and veggies and things to eat once in a while. Number one I make a veggie with dinner every night. There was fruit on the table and fruit in the fridge and there is stuff here to make two or three big saldes with all kinds of fresh veggies that she can eat anytime she wants. But then acts like we don’t keep food here or that what we do have she can’t eat because of this or that. She can cook she was cooking for everyone the last few months when she was at her house. So she could make herself something else if she didn’t like what we were having or if she told someone we could through it on cook it why we cooked everything else for everyone.

I hope she decides to start taking her meds again like she is supposed to here soon. If not I hope we find someone to talk to her and see if they can do something with her. Once she gets on the meds she will take it everyday and won’t argue with you if you give it to her and tell her to take it since she has to be given all her meds. She says she isn’t going to take meds the rest of her life. But she takes blood pressure pills and aspirin everyday. If she takes this one it will let her feel better and help her function not just sit around scared there is stuff wrong with her and that everyone is out to get her. My mom even told her how lucky she was that she could just take that pill and be happy how others can’t even take a pill and be ok they won’t ever be ok because they are just to far gone. She just looks at us. I don’t know please just pray something turns around soon. between that and the clicking and sounds my son is making all the time I feel so stressed. I know he is very stressed or he wouldn’t be making the sounds so loud and so much. he would be able to control it better when he isn’t.

Grandma's Angel

Grandma’s Angel

I got my mom and my grandma this angel about 13 years ago for Christmas. My grandma seen hers but didn’t know it was hers and went on and on about how pretty it was and how much she liked it. It reminded me of her because she always had the kids at her house grandkids great grandkids were always running around.

Well my Grandma had a heart attack in October then december she had another really bad one and was in the hospital for a long time in and out. She was there at Christmas time and was out didn’t know anything. She ended up passing a way the next day on my 20th birthday. She never got to open her angel or even know that it had been for her all that time. I had bought them in July and put them up for Christmas.

Last year when I was staying with RC I had my stuff stored at a “friends” house. She let her grandkids come in go through my stuff and the only things that went missing were this and a couple other things I had she knew ment anything to me. She asked me to move the stuff she had some people coming. I told her that RC was at work and that he had burnt his foot really bad the day before on hot charcoal when we were watching fireworks on the 4th of July. I told her I would talk to some of the guys around there that we knew and see if I paid them if they would move it for me but it would be that evening when they got off work. She knew I had all the kids and couldn’t do it plus with my back and neck I can’t. She got mad called the manager told her I said I wouldn’t move it and all kinds of stuff. Then called her granddaughters to come over there. Well I guess they just went through it got what they wanted and left the rest. There was nothing I could do about it I couldn’t prove they got it and she wasn’t going to admit it.  That was the end of our friendship. I couldn’t believe she would do such a thing because I didn’t rush over as soon as she called with 5 kids and move it was still weeks before she even needed the room but I was willing to pay people to move it that night. This is a women who 98% of the time came over and had dinner with us I took her or gave her left overs to have for lunch and everything else. We took her out with us a few times. I had taken her to the doctor because she was afraid to go that far in her car and drive didn’t really know where she was going and her grandkids wouldn’t take her. I had taken her friend about 80 miles away for a SSI meeting because she don’t drive and again her car wouldn’t make it and she was afraid to get out there and drive in the traffic to get there. Everyone was shocked and surprised when she did us that way and when I went off on her. I was so mad I don’t have a lot of stuff like that sitting around I had one little shelf with stuff on it in my house and that was it that had nic nacks and things on it. They were things that meant something to be that was it. Then she went and let someone take all of them.

I know it isn’t the same as having the one I got and have had all these years. But I would love to find another one like it to have. If anyone knows where I could find another I would love to try and get one. I just think she is so pretty and then all the kids around her. My grandma had 60 and 70 kids, grandkids and great grandkids this just seemed so fitting for her. Everyone always commented on her when they would come over and see her. I called her grandma’s angel.

{July 14, 2013}   One Of The Good Things

Like I said before most of the things I see or feel are not good things at all. They are mostly bad things that have happened. But there were a few times I seen something that wasn’t and that didn’t scare me. When I seen it I just went on my way did what I got up to do and went back to bed.

I may have written about this before but I don’t know if I did where or why being as I had never brought any of this kind of thing up on here before. But as I am writing this and thinking about it I I feel I have. If I have and I am sorry. With so much going on and 200 and some post I sometimes forget. But anyway on with the story.

My grandma passed a way on my 20th birthday years back. She had started having heart attacks around Halloween. They needed to do surgery but couldn’t because of her health. They were trying somethings to help her and hopefully get her to where she could have surgery. She had a massive one right before Christmas and was in the hospital and out. She didn’t wake up. She was out Christmas and then passed the morning after.

They had her service toward the end of the week so that family from out of state could make arrangements and come and things. We all got very sick we had been sick Christmas and instead of going a way it just got worse. The weather was crazy it was so cold that winter colder than it has been in a while. We ended up not going to her service because it was just so cold and everyone was so sick. We didn’t want to make others sick. The night they had her service that we didn’t go too my grandma came. The only thing I know I never got up in the night back then for anything. When I went to sleep I was out like a rock. Something woke me up that night and I was so thirsty I couldn’t stand it. I got up and went to go to the kitchen to get a drink. As I walked into the hall I looked into my mom and sisters room. We were in a little apartment they shared a room. I seen something as I went by. I stopped backed up and looked again. It was a person standing beside their bed next to my sister with their hands on her back. It was all white and seemed to just glow. I wasn’t scared didn’t think nothing of it I just went on got my drink and went back to bed. It didn’t bother me that it was there or that it was by my sister or anything. I just had this inner feeling that it was fine and not to worry about it. I just knew it was my grandma come to check on my sister because we hadn’t made it to the service. Her and my sister were very close the rest of us were too but they really were. She knew that something was really wrong or we would have been there. I think she just had to come see my sister and check on her one last time. I don’t know if she had been in the rest of the house or in my room maybe before that and that is why I woke up or not. But something woke me up that night like I was meant to see her and know that she was there.

I am not sure if it was that day when she woke up or a few days later. I think it had to be a little later because she wasn’t sick. But my sister woke up and sat straight up in the bed and said Grandma’s here. She looked so happy. My mom called her name and said you know. She cut her off and said no I know mom she died but she is here she is in here don’t you smell her. She got up went to the bathroom and came back to get dressed she stood there a second looked around smelled and said she left she isn’t here anymore.

We never told anyone and that next weekend when she went to her dads she came back with a little box of stuff they gave her that was our grandma’s. They had been going threw her stuff. In this box was another box full of a bunch of perfumes. It seemed funny that that would be something that when they were going threw her stuff that week and put it in boxes for everyone they would give her those of all things. I think they gave them to her because she was young and they figured she would like them and none of the rest of them really wore them ones. Probably figured she would play dress up or whatever and use them instead of just tossing them.

{June 21, 2012}   Good News

I was so tiered last night all 4 kids were in bed and a sleep by 10 and I went to bed too. I was to sleepy to even think about getting on here. But I got a text right before I went to bed about my grandma. My mom said after about 36 hours she came around was able to talk and eat. She can walk but has to have a walker to help her. They let her go home last night finally. The test don’t show anything wrong. They think she is just her body is just exhausted from her mental state.

My grandma is one who if something is wrong you don’t tell anyone. She worries about what others will think of her because of it. She don’t tell the doctors or anyone. She has finally talk to a neurologist and a psychologist and they are going to start seeing her. They also referred her to a good doctor. She says she is going to go see them and tell them everything that is going on. I just hope that they can do something to help her and get her to feeling better.

Nothing else really happen yesterday I got a sitter for the kids for a little bit and went to a friends house and hung out. I was going to go see my grandma but they said she didn’t want anyone to come to the hospital. I picked the kids up and met RC after work we went with him why he cut a tree up so we can haul it off this weekend. Came home an tried to do a few things to the truck but it started to rain. We ended up standing outside letting the kids play in the rain for about an hour. They had a blast.

So far today we tried to go see a movie but didn’t get to stay for it. I told them before we went that we wouldn’t be able to stay if baby boy didn’t sit still and caused a problem. He would have done better than he did but they didn’t start the movie until late. We made it threw about 30 minutes of so of it. Then we had to leave. Glad it was a free movie we went to see and we hadn’t paid to get in.

Since we didn’t get to see the movie and we hadn’t gotten popcorn and stuff we went to lunch. They all wanted a sandwich and drink so that’s what we got. If it don’t rain RC has a lawn to cut when he gets off work then we are going to try and take them fishing this evening for a little bit. Right now they are all laying down taking naps. Well 3 out of the 4 are a sleep. Waiting on the baby to sleep. Hard to get him to lay down and sleep when he climbs in an out of his bed. I have got to figure out something to do with him.

et cetera
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