{May 10, 2016}   Lasting Effects of Loss

I am about to lose my mind with all the junk around the house and not being able to get rid of any of it. I use to be able to tell the kids lets clean out get rid of anything we don’t use, don’t need or that’s broken and they would go to work going through their toys and room. I go through the rest of the house. The last few weeks I have been trying to do this and clean off the carport and laundry room cleaned up. I want everything organized before classes started. But my baby boy gets so upset and freaks out if I try to get rid of anything be it his or someone else. I cries and acts like you have attacked him or something. The other week I went through my little ones room and took her stuff because she wouldn’t pick it up. He was on his knees begging me to not get rid of it he would clean her room as soon as he was done with his. I tried to put a wagon thing to the road because it wasn’t what I thought I was getting when I bought it and we have not found a use for it. He started crying and drug it back up to the house from the road. I really don’t know what to do for him or with him.

As most of you know we lost my dad very unexpected and quick last year. We found out New years day he had cancer wasn’t treatable and was given 6 months. He passed the Feb 8. My little one had a very hard time with Grandpa being sick. He was very emotional, angry, and aggressive at the time. When he passed he seemed to be back to his normal self. It was like flipping a switch when we found out he got that way and after he passed it was like someone flipped the switch and he was back to his sweet loving self.

Until now, and I didn’t think one had to do with the other at first but then I started noticing that after he would get all upset about someone trying to get rid of stuff once he calmed down he would come up out of the blue and start talking about Grandpa and how he misses him and things. Him and his brother went in their room and his brother was trying to get rid of stuff another time and he started asking if grandpa go him that and things. Even if I tell him Grandpa didn’t get it for him he still can’t let it go and get rid of it.

I have never gotten rid of their stuff without them knowing and them having in put on what is gotten rid of. I don’t want to start now and don’t think that is going to make things any better just worse. But I need to be able to get rid of my stuff and the other kids need to be able to get rid of their stuff without him having a break down over it. He needs to be able to get rid of his things that no longer fit are broken or just not used and taking up room. I don’t know what to do for him or how to help him. I tried asking the therapist that my older son sees but she had no answers and wasn’t sure what to do or how to help him either. I guess I am going to have to take him in to see the doctor and see what she says and who she feels he should see or talk to. He can’t turn into a hoarder, my Grandpa on my moms side is and it is horrid.

{June 19, 2015}   I’m Not Here

Don’t stand by my grave and weep

For I’m not there, I do not sleep

I am a thousand winds that blow

I am the diamonds glint on snow

I am the sunlight on ripened grain

I am the gentle autumn’s rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circle flight

I am the soft starts That shine at night

Do not stand by my grave and cry

I am not there, I did not die.


Author Unknown.


R.I.P Scott D. Never forgotten

{May 4, 2015}   Haven’t Drank

I have to say as hard as the last 5 months have been, I haven’t drank other than that one time back 3 months when A Good Friend, came over. I haven’t even had to Fight The Urges in a while. I thought of it the other day. How much better I have been feeling the last few weeks to month. I don’t feel like I am on that Down Ward Spiral .  I still have my down days but they aren’t as bad as they where or have been. My biggest thing now is back to not sleeping. I think it is more the stress of everything going on with father of the year. Him not helping rushing to find a job so I can pay the bills.

The stress of the house and trying to get it back under control. The office called Friday and said someone called code enforcement on us and they gave us 10 days to get everything cleaned up but that 10 days was up today. We got the truck out of here Saturday finally and yesterday father of the year mowed the yard. I told him he needed to come do it since he wasn’t helping me pay anything and I didn’t have money to pay someone. It is to keep his kids a place and to keep it safe for his kids too. We cleaned all the mess off the carport. It isn’t to great most of it just got put in the room outside. But it is out of the way and the carport and yard is cleaned up. We tossed out a bunch of junk that has needed to be tossed. Lot of it was to big for me to pick up and I had asked him and told him we were going to get in trouble for it being there he say later and not do it.

I have to work on getting our school room together this week. We need to get school worked picked and bough for the year as well. Then we are going to get started on 4 and 7t h grade I think.

I forgot the lady from the office said she was coming to take a picture so she could send the owner and things. I talk to her earlier and told her I was sorry things were out there I was going to have a yard sale but I just hadn’t been able to really do much with everything that has happen that I just the last few weeks felt like I could function again half way normal. I got half way to the college and thought of her coming so I called her back. She said no I didn’t have to be here I asked her if she needed inside because of the dogs. She said no they aren’t complaining about the inside they aren’t looking in your windows thank goodness. I said oh the guy across the street dose. He seems to like what he can see at night. She said oh my that is creepy. I said yes we are trying to catch him. Got to love Peeping Tom.

I am going to need things more put together around here if I go back to school so that it is easier to keep on top of.

But I am just so glad it feels like the black cloud has lifted and I don’t have to fight the urges to drink or do other stupid things. That I didn’t get worse than just that one night.

{April 23, 2015}   Missing Him

Tonight me and the kids were sitting around the living room just hanging out and talking. My big boy started talking about how he remembered when or where he was when he got something or when something happen and things like that. He was talking about his stuffed animals and different toys or what.

Out of the blue he says I remember the day grandpa died. He said we were at his house and you came out upset and you told us to go talk to grandpa and tell him we loved him. I hugged him and told him I loved him. His eyes were all really big and he kind of looked different. I remember you said we wouldn’t get to see him or talk to him any more. All these people came and were going in and out and then some people came and they took him a way. We went to our church that day before we went over there. He talked about how he remembered when grandpa took them to get new bikes and how he got them their pillow pets. He started to cry I already was, I couldn’t help it when he started talking about him. Talking about how he missed him.

He just sat there for a little bit looking and not saying anything. I asked him what was wrong he said grandpa died. I told him I knew I was sorry I was sad too. That it is ok to be sad, it’s ok to miss him and it is ok to talk about him and even cry if he needed too. But I could tell something was bothering him. I asked him what he was thinking about he looked at me with this face I can’t even explain and said he had to die so fast it just happen so fast. It just killed me, all I could say was that I knew how he felt and it seem like we were still trying to get use to the idea he was sick and going to pass and that it all seem like it happen all at once. He just sat there still quiet not staying anything. I told him I was really sad and hurt that grandpa got sick and died. But that I was glad as much as I loved him and want him here with us he wasn’t suffering any more and he didn’t suffer for very long. We talked about how he wasn’t able to do things like get up and use the bathroom, take a shower, and eat the big things. How he felt not being able to do things for or by himself any more and how being sick makes you feel. That we loved him didn’t want him to pass at all that if he had to we are glad it was fast like it was and he didn’t go through that long at all like some people do. Then my little guy came in and was talking to us and talking about missing grandpa and he started telling him that at least he wasn’t suffering any more that he is in heaven not sick or suffering and how he had a new body and was young again.

We talked about how he could write him letters if it would help him to feel better. He asked what he would do with them and if he should put them in the cabinet next to the earn and if that is what some people do. I told him he could or he could put them in a box or something like that or even get a tablet and just use it for when he wanted to write to him and that way he would have all his letters in one place. But that he could put them in the cabinet if he wanted to. He just stood there looking at his earn for a little bit, then he turned around and ask me if I thought I could buy him a journal. I told him yes we would go get one tomorrow. He said ok.

I could tell that everything happening so fast is still bothering him. I tried to get him to talk about it more but he wouldn’t. I don’t think he knows what to say really. I don’t I still have a hard time with it. All I can do is let him talk when he wants to and when he is ready. Be there, listen and try to comfort him.

It’s hard I walk around all the time and feel like I’m the only one who misses him or is having a hard time with it all. No one else has said anything about how fast it happen. Feeling like I really can’t talk about it or him to anyone because it really don’t bother anyone else or they don’t care. I haven’t brought it up to the kids because they are kids I don’t want to upset them. But if they want to talk I am there.

My little guy asked my big boy if he could sleep in his bed tonight it would help him feel better since he was sad too. They are curled up in the bottom bunk sleeping. It’s nice they have each other as well.

R.i.p Daddy we miss you so much and love you. But your happy now up there with grandma. You can introduce use when we meet again. I’ve always wondered about her.

{March 27, 2015}   We’ll Call It A Good Day

The home school group we meet up with and do things with sometimes had a park day today. They do them at least every two weeks and every week when it is nice out. We hadn’t been in a while with the holidays and everything we had going on. I thought of it the other day and decided to ask when the next one was. The one mom I met there said it was today. I really wanted to go until this morning. I just felt so tired and not like doing anything at all. I finally prided myself up about 45 minutes before we were supposed to be there and got everyone else up and ready and we went. Amazingly we stopped grabbed lunch and got gas and was only 5 minutes late getting there. They meet at one every one gets there as close to that as they can so not really late, but I figured we wouldn’t get there until at least 1:30.

I figured we would stay an hour or so and leave I wasn’t feeling like chasing the baby around or being out there in the heat forever. But I had told my little guy that we would go to the park today I knew he would be asking later. 6 1/2 hours later we left and came home.

There was the lady I know and her daughter there when we got there and two boys they picked up we had met before on a trip. Then a little while later another family came. My kids had a blast. there ended up being 6 boys and 6 girls of all ages.

The boys went and walked the trails and ran all over. The girls kidnapped my little bitty and I hardly seen her why we were there. They played with her and passed her around like a doll. Surprisingly enough she didn’t mind and had a blast as well. She I think was just enjoying all the little girls to play with.

We all kept saying we had to go and then just kept talking and talking. Then we got up to go and decided to take all the kids and walk the trails. After that we ended up back at the tables talking the kids back out playing. We finally had to pry them a way so we could get them home give them dinner and baths before it got late.

I am really glad that I did get up and go my kids had so much fun and It helped me a lot to just get out and talk to others about things other than the same old stuff that’s going on. We talked about how things have been going the last month they said the same thing the kids need time to cope and process things as well that we been doing the right things.

I did find out that it is going to cost me more than I thought for the classes I want to put the kids in next year. It is twice what I thought it would be. I am going to go to and informational meeting at the park next Thursday about it and to a open house next Tuesday. This way I can check it out see how it all works and make sure it is what I want.  Reading about it I think it is I just want to really see how it all works see how my kids do. It will be nice because they go over most everything there once a week in classes then you go over it more at home. I also have some math and other things picked out to work more one on one with them at home. Just to fill in the gaps and things they have to make things easier. She did say that I could set up a payment plan and pay it off that way. I have 3 that will be in the classes. I am hoping that my big boys scholarship will pick up and start paying for it as they pay for the books and things for the program but have denied peoples claims for the program. What good is the supplies if your not going to cover the program really. I hope my oldest likes it as she is talking about wanting to go back to school because she is listening to father of the year and my mother about how they aren’t sitting down with their nose in books for 8 hours a day and doing tons of workbook pages they must not be learning anything. Just because they aren’t doing tons of workbook pages or book reports on every book they read don’t mean they aren’t learning anything.

My oldest will read 20 to 30 god size books in a week. She is only 12, she remembers what she read and she can explain what she read and understands it all. If she can sit there and tell me the book chapter for chapter why do I need to make her sit down and write a book report? I don’t want to make her not want to read because she is going to have to do a written report. I want her to want to read and keep learning and enjoy reading. My son is the same way he don’t read as quick as her it takes him a few days to a week to finish a book but he can tell you cover to cover what it is about and everything you want to know. They both are always asking me why is this, why is that, how dose this work or what is this like. I tell them what I know then I tell them go look it up on line and go find some books to read about it. They will and they will research it for a day or two or a week until they have their questions answered. They will read something and come tell me did you know this or that about such and such. They look something up and they are right back it says this and about it how is that or do you really think it is that way. They will research to see if it really was or how it is. If I made them sit down and write about all they find they wouldn’t care and wouldn’t want to look stuff up. I hated having to research stuff and writing reports in school. It got to where I read the first chapter or two then one or two in the middle and the last chapter of books. That way I had idea of what the book was about what happen and how it ended so I could write the report. If I needed to make since out of something I would read few pages to figure it out and keep moving. Because we weren’t allowed to read just for enjoyment or read and go over it in class we had to write this report. They started their blogs, well made their blogs to keep track of the things we did for school. I did tell them when we started really working with them they could write reviews about their books they read on there for a post and maybe have discussion about it with others who have read it. They thought that was a good idea. Even if they just write a review of it and post it will help get people to look at their blogs and build followers. But even though don’t need to be on every book they read. I’m ok with their review they give me and I would like them to start keeping a list of all the books they finish just so that I do have it for my records in case I ever need it and so I can see what they are reading and like what books we have and don’t have. That way when I go to book sales and I’m out other places I can see what we have what is in line with other stuff they are reading they might be interested in.

But over all I got out of bed and got out of the house and did something I haven’t done in a while. I am happy about. It wasn’t easy but I did it. I also went to bible study at church last night as well. Two out of two I think I am doing pretty good. Because I really didn’t have to do either one. The house was in pretty decent shape when the therapist came this week as well. Didn’t look like a tornado went through or cluttered mess everywhere. Slowly but surely this too I will get through.


{March 24, 2015}  

I haven’t written a lot the last month and a half. I am still struggling to deal with the loss of my dad. I have ok days and I have bad days. Don’t think I really have any good days. Maybe the ones where I get out of bed and do something, get dressed and leave the house. Really they are just ok days not like I do anything great just get everyone to their appointments and where they need to be. So we will stick with ok days and bad days. Seems best for now.

I did take the boys out and get them so clothes and myself a couple shirts that we have needed. I got the baby a couple dresses and a outfit. I still have to take my big girl shopping when she gets home. Really I did it because the baby was sleeping in her stroller and I didn’t want to be home. I bounce between not wanting to get out of bed to not wanting to be in the house and just having to get out. She wasn’t fussing and I had to go to the store anyway so we shopped.

I haven’t been food shopping and stocked the house in I can’t tell you when. I send father of the year to grab stuff to go with stuff we have to make meals or to get something to make. If I have to I will get out and go get it. I really got to get the house restocked it is costing way to much money. But the way I have felt the last thing I want to do is go shopping. I don’t like being around the crowds and dealing with the people.

I am starting to want to do something with the house it has gotten really out of control to the point of its bothering me I got to do something. Father of the year took his bed and some other stuff to his new place last night. We have been going through things in the kids room and the playroom.

I am getting rid of most everything in the play room. What they do get to keep is going in bins in their rooms in their closets. I have money sat aside to order bookshelves for out there to put all mine and the kids books on. I am ordering 4 of the tall ones and 4 of the smaller ones. The taller ones are for my books, while each of the kids will each get one of the smaller ones for their books and school stuff. I am also putting their desk out of their rooms in there and a desk for the computer. This way they each have a place to sit and do school work and keep their laptops. The other desk for the little kids. They are learning to use the computer right now it is on a table that sits up high with stools at it. I want it down where they can reach it not be up so high. This way they can work it better and I don’t have to worry about them falling.

I am so glad that father of the year is moving. This is it no matter what happens he is not going to be coming back here to stay. The office called me today about my lease it is up at the end of the month she wanted to know if I would be signing a new one or what. I told her I had to because right now I can’t move. Everything cost so much that I would have to pay 2 or $300 more in just rent I don’t have it. She said ok she was going to have them write it up and would get back to me we hung up. I thought as soon as we did that father of the year is on the lease. I called her back and told her that I wanted it in just my name so that he can’t just say he is on it he is moving back in. Because if he is on it I have to let him. She said she would send it in just my name he may have to sign a paper saying the deposit went to me or something like that. I’m not worried about it if he dose he dose if he don’t he don’t. They can give it all to him. It worth it to be rid of him. I don’t think it will be a problem. I haven’t told him I am signing a new lease or that he may have to sign anything. I am just going to wait see what happens. If he don’t have to go down sign anything then I am not going to tell him I signed a new one. He thinks I am looking for somewhere to move and just going to do a month to month. It isn’t a big deal but to me it is none of his business. I have had to tell him and deal with him on everything now I don’t. It has nothing to do with him it is mine to take care of and be responsible for.

I hope that he will be out by Wednesday or Thursday night. I can get everything out there set up. I have to wait on the bookshelves because I have to order them still and then they have to be brought. I wanted to order the little’s new car-seats but they were out of stock. If they are not back up by tomorrow I will probably just go ahead and order them place another order later.

Good news my little bitty is starting to potty train. As long as I let her run around naked she uses the potty. Yesterday she went to take a nap she was naked. I put a diaper on her once she goes to sleep just in case. I was laying on my bed reading a book forgot. about a hour after she went to sleep she got up went got on her little potty and pee then went back to sleep for a while. I was impressed because she still wakes up wet after naps and soaked in the morning. Lot of mornings I wake up she has gotten up in the night took her diaper off laid it on the floor and went back to sleep naked. Everyone says she is my child because she don’t like clothes.

The other kids are doing pretty good my oldest is staying with my mom for a little bit. She should be home by the weekend. The boys have been being boys. My 9 year old is growing up so fast he is going to be 10 in September he is starting to get attitude and lazy. Have been after him for weeks to clean his room he hasn’t. Finally his dad went in there and cleaned it for him yet again. He seems to not mind doing laundry so he has been on laundry duty the last few days. It has gotten neglected with the rest of the house. He seems to be getting on top of it. At least getting it washed and dried folded we have to work on. Right now it is on his sisters bed. At this point I feel if I have to go through their playroom and pick up clean up and get rid of stuff because they don’t and he has to clean their room they can wash the clothes. He is teaching his little brother how to do them and having him help. I shouldn’t have to try to catch them up and do everything else.

I am also taking part of this money and ordering all of next years homeschool stuff so that we have it and can start it when the time comes. I am going to get them started on a program on line to finish out the rest of this year and call it a year. The kids here get out the first of June. I think I will have them work until first of July and then give them July and August off start September like we did this year.

My mom is flipping out they haven’t done enough they aren’t learning and blah blah. I am not worried about it they say you should deschool at least a month for every year they were in school. That would be 9 around months for my oldest and 7 for my other. They both read all the time and are always looking stuff up on line they want to know about. We are going back to our homeschool group Thursday as well and I am going to a meeting about getting them both into Classical Conversations for next year. They only go for 24 weeks a year not 36 like the public schools I am sure by the time we get done this summer we will have at least that done for this year.

Saturday was a hard day when I went to get my dads tattoo. My friend went with me and sat there and talk to me why he did it we got on the subject of my dad all I could do was cry why he was doing it. He said he lost his mom when he was 12. I can’t imagine losing my parent that young. Hearing that makes me feel selfish because I did get so much time with my dad that people like him and other kids I know didn’t with their’s.

I’ve not been sleeping for a while now. It is different than when I can’t sleep other times. I get to sleep and start to sleep really good and all of a sudden wide awake for no reason and can’t get back to sleep. When I wake up I have only been sleeping for maybe 45 minutes at the most. I may fall a sleep here and there through the night but only for a few minutes and then up again. I finally fell asleep late in the night last night probably closer to this morning and sleep for a while. I got up once to give the baby a bottle and figured I be up after that but I felt so tired I went right back to sleep for hours more. But now here I sit at 11:50 pm wide awake again.

Trying to get the house moved around and back under control has been way more stressful than it should or has to be. I can’t left and move most of the stuff and need father of the year to get his stuff out of the way. I have been asking for a month or more for him to move his stuff pack it get it out of the way and help me move the other stuff and get it moved. He don’t or waits until late to start then cries and bitches that it is late he is sleepy he has to work in a few hours or waiting on calls he should be sleeping. But it don’t matter that he just had 2 days off and didn’t bother to do anything. Now that he finally has his stuff out he is supposed to help me get all the big stuffed moved to the room it goes in and my friend is going to come Wednesday and Thursday to help me move everything around go through it. We are getting everything ready for the relay for life yard sale so we can donate the money to it.

That all the fun that has been going on in my life the last few weeks month. I have done really good at not drinking I do have to say. I lay there at night and think if I just had a drink or two I would probably go to sleep and get a good nights sleep but I don’t. Or I sit here and try not to think about things and it just nags and nags me in the back of my mind that a drink would be really good right now how relaxed i would be and not so stressed out. It seems so crazy to me because I am not really a drinker her and there once in a while sitting around talking with friends or if I go out I might have a couple. Never when I am going through something like this other than the one night last month when I drank that one night. That is the first and only time I had ever drank like that. But lately I have wanted to more often than not. I am hoping getting us back into going to the homeschool meetings and starting school work again and getting the house in order will help turn things around make things seem less stressful.

I think I need to write more again as well it always seems to help me feel less stressed too. My goal I think will be to write at least every other day for now.

{March 2, 2015}   Heartbroken/Haunted

Really rough night and just a blah day. All the thoughts make it louder in my head than the room is around me. The whats, whys, hows, could of, should of. The pictures of the last few days, hours, minutes flashing over and over like a movie stuck on replay.

{February 15, 2015}   Hanging In There

I just thought I would pop on and let you all know I am still around and hanging in there the best I can. I made it out of bed before 6:30 pm today and got out of the house. Much better than yesterday.

Me and the kids went back to church again today. They really like it, I don’t know. The people are really nice and it seems like a good church but we have only been a few times. I’m sure I will like it once I get to know some people. Next week I signed up for a connections meeting for new members. So I should meet some people there and learn more about the church and how they are.

After church we came home had lunch and went to the big flea market about 45 minutes or so away. I had some in memory of things made for my dad. I got one to put on his van and one for my new truck when I get it. I got an extra one I figured I might give it to my brother or something not sure what yet.

We got home me and the baby took a long nap so we had a late dinner and the kids are now settling down to watch a movie.

I think I want to go back to bed all I want to do is lay in my bed under my soft warm blankets and just be. If I am not in my bed I want to be out of the house. I feel like I need to just get out get away. Like I should be busy on the go.

I have fought the urge to drink a few times this week. Mostly because I didn’t feel like getting all the kids ready and loaded up to go to the store. I still have my Jack here but rather have something to mix it with or it upsets my ulcers to much. Hell one night I thought about mixing it with kool-aid.

I just don’t know how to feel or what to think about some people they are pissing me off. Like my mom who calls me a couple days after my dad passed wanted to know why I haven’t answered the phone to her. I just talked to her a night or so before. Why I hadn’t been over there why I don’t come there to see her. Really this is what you call me up to talk about you, you , you and more you? How about maybe I don’t feel like talking to anyone maybe I don’t want to talk to anyone who is close to all this who is going to be all upset and things. Maybe I don’t want to come sit and talk about it in person with everyone an everyone all upset.

I don’t like to be around everyone all upset I don’t like to be around everyone when I am upset or in a mood. There are very few people that I have been talking to and that’s because they aren’t the rest of them. They aren’t going to tell me to just get over it and I need to move on blah blah bullshit when I it has barley been a week. Or try to make me feel better. I hate when people try to make you feel better. Hell it still don’t seem real. I still feel like I could pick the phone up and call him go over and pick him up we go take the kids to lunch or the store, flea market or something.

I asked the lady at the church if they had a grief support group when they called me. She said she was going to talk to them and get back with me. I haven’t heard back but who knows I am not sure she knew what I was talking about really. I may have missed a call too. I stopped answering my phone to just any number now that I don’t have to worry about them calling me for my dad. Only reason I answered that one was because I was half a sleep and not thinking.

{February 3, 2015}   A Good Friend

I don’t know what I was thinking last night. Me and the kids went got dinner and came home and I made it. Then I decided I wanted to have a drink so I got me some of them screwdriver things in the bottles why we were out. I grabbed a bottle of coke too I thought of the bottle of Jack we had. I had a jack and tea and jack and coke. I had a few shots why I was making my drinks. Then I decided to try the screwdrivers. They aren’t that good but they are better than regular beers. I can’t drink them at all. I text my friend about 8 or 9 to see what he was doing. Figured he was working but we talk off and on why he is at work at night a lot of times. He messaged me back about 11 we started talking. They been pretty busy at work.

I told him to come drink with me.

The first thing he said is where are you and what’s up?

He knows I hardly ever drink.

I told him I was at home.

He asked if father of the year was here? I told him been gone all day and was over 100 miles a way and who knew when he would be home if he got another call.

He then wanted to know if the kids where home and up. I told him yeah they were running around here playing me the baby were listening to music.

He said something about coming over and father of the year. I made a remark back. He said you are way drunk. I will be over in a little bit. The way he said he be over in a bit was like he dreaded the idea.  I said well shit you don’t have to you act like I got a gun to your head and forcing you to.

He said no just tired don’t feel like dealing with kids tonight. But I’m coming.

He had to deal with my kid when father of the year use to live with him and he had them for the weekend. My kids did not and still hardly listen to their dad because of the way he is. So it was ruff back then. We don’t see each other that much other than in the store here and there. He is busy works 3 jobs and our kids are so far apart in age. Not like we have a ton of chances to get together.

By the time he got here my little bitty had went got in her bed and was going to sleep and my little guy laid on the couch and went to sleep why me and him were outside.

He got here I went outside to sit and talk to him. I didn’t want the kids to hear all I was saying. They don’t need to know all that is going on. I got up and went to throw my bottle a way he got up to follow me in the dark to make sure I didn’t fall probably. We were standing there by my truck talking. He came over gave me a hug I just lost it. I started crying. I said something about father of the year and RC the way he did and my dad being so sick and things. I said I must be pretty fucking bad for everyone to do me the way they have and to treat me the way they do talk about me and everything. I said you know me I help anyone and do anything all that I can. Look how I get done in return. I said now my dad he is so sick. I said I must really be something else. I must have really fucked up somewhere or did something horrible in another life to be done this way now.

He was telling me no and not to say that and look where it was coming from that I knew better than that. He said RC I am partly at fault for that I feel horrible for it. We talked about him and other stuff.

We sat out there a little while longer he asked me wasn’t I cold. Surprisingly I wasn’t considering I was in short sleeves and thin pair of lounge pants. I said your cold we can go in but the place is a mess kids have been having a blast tonight. He said I don’t care what your house looks like I’m not here to inspect your house.

We went in sat down my big boy wanted to eat something so I let him do that and sent him to bed. Put my little guy in his bed. We were talking. I had a screwdriver and poured me a glass of coke when we came in and sat it on the table there by me. He looked at me said which one are you drinking. I said both but there is nothing in the coke. He said nothing at all. I said no its just coke. I had that dry cotton mouth I needed something to just drink. I said I hope I’m not hungover in the morning. I have never had a hangover but I never really drank like I did that night. When I do drink I always eat a big dinner and I drank water in between drinks or have a few then a bottle of water have a few more. I hadn’t drink any water and only ate a little frozen pizza for dinner.

That’s first thing he said was you need to drink some water. It don’t appear you have been because your really drunk. I said no I forgot to get any. I got up and got some water out of the tap and went back. I still had that cotton mouth feeling and my stomach felt so full. I tried to force some water down and it wasn’t a good outcome. I ran to the bathroom and got sick. I am surprised I didn’t puke more than I did. Most times I start I can’t stop. But I pretty much just puked up the water and coke I had tried to drank.

I went back and got the blanket my little guy had been using on the couch before he went to bed and sat down on the other couch beside him. Laid my head on his shoulder. He said don’t puke on me. I laughed assured him I wasn’t going to be sick any more. He don’t do puke. He is ocd hates to be dirty or nasty ha ha. I laid my head back on his shoulder he put his arm around me. I said man I can’t believe I drank so much, drank as long as I have been tonight. I never drank in front of my kids much less get drunk. I will have a mixed drank or two once in a while. Most the time after they go to bed. When me and RC was together I would have one while making dinner or something when he got home from work. He said that’s a big reason I came over here. He said I know you don’t just drank like that I knew your kids were here and up. He said I was worried about yall. Figured I would hang out until father of the year came home or at least get the kids to bed and make sure you were ok.

Didn’t seem like he been here long at all and father of the year came up. I think he thought he was going to get mad he was here He got up and sat on the side edge of the seat. I really didn’t care we weren’t doing anything wrong we were just talking. He has been my friend since we were in 3 rd grade. He really is like my brother. I have gone over and sat talked to him when he was going through stuff in the past.

That was Saturday night. Sunday he text me ask if I was ok and what I was doing. We talked off and on through the day. He text me Sunday evening asked what I was doing how I was. I told him I was out driving around. That I just had to get out of the house. I told him life be so much easier if we just didn’t care. He said yes in ways but not always a good thing. He said you know I acutely care about your  mental and emotional well being right? He said I doubt your doing very well. You didn’t do very well hiding it last night. I told him I’m not doing good. He said he was there if I needed to talk or anything. I told him thank you. I didn’t hear from him for a while I figured he fell asleep. One or the other will a lot of times when we are talking at night. Then he text me in a while asked if I made it home yet. I told him I been here about a 45 minutes. He said ok he was going to bed.

I don’t know what it was it was just nice to hear it from him and the fact he came over say 2 hours with me and talked when he could have went home to bed and to his wife and kids. It’s different than hearing it from anyone else. Everyone been texting and asking if I am ok and asking how my dad is and things. But I don’t know I don’t feel I can talk to them the way I can him and say the things to them that I can with him. I guess because of the way we grew up and how long we have known each other. We can say whatever and not feel we are being judged or talked about later. I love my other friends and they are great but I still feel that they know me one way they haven’t seen all that I have been through. If I say things or do something they are going to take it completely different than what it is. If that makes since.

Like I said to him anyone I get close to or start to care about it seems something happens. I find they are just there to see what they can find out or there for what you are willing to do for or give them. Or like others just there until something better comes along. To kick you when your down. Any more I am tired of trying to weed the real from the fake because there seems to be way more fake than real out there. It is easier to just play nice and keep things to myself. When they decide to walk a way or show their true colors there is less hurt involved.

And he just listens a lot of times I don’t try to fix it or make it better or say something to make me feel better. He just lets me get it out. Most others want to make it better or tell me what I need to do. I am doing all I can do I just need to vent sometimes. Because it don’t matter how much you can handle or bare we all need to just vent and have our weak moment with out someone trying to fix it, make it better, telling us what we need to do or telling us how strong we are and we need to just move on or keep moving. That is what he dose. He will talk and thing but its just different. He really is like family to me.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: