Men…..Need I Say More

Why is it men feel the need to explain things or clarify things anytime but when you want them to?

I can’t count the number of times this has been said to me.

Why do guys always start off with…..I’m not stalking your page but….

dude if you seen something you like or want to know about just ask. 99% of the time we aren’t going to think anything of it. But when you start off with I’m not… but….you guilty as hell and lying through your teeth šŸ˜† sounding like a 5 year old um I was doing what you told me in the living room but I noticed the cookies on the top shelf in the back of the pantry that’s in the kitchen. Can we have onešŸ¤£

For real why do you feel the need to tell me you haven’t been stalking my page if you really haven’t? Telling me you haven’t been seems as if you are feeling guilty. But anyway.

Then yesterday I left my day job and headed to the night job. I followed this little convertible with it’s top down over the bridge. There was a guy driving. When we came off the bridge we ended up right beside each other at the light. He was in the far left lane and I was in the right lane next to him. I never looked at him I was doing something not even thinking about it really and he starts revving it up. I see what he is doing and I decide not to l look and he just keeps on getting louder and louder every time. I never did look over and the light turned green. I went and got over right in front of him. He was so mad he turned off and went the other way. I passed him again a few blocks up the road back on the road we were on to start with and going on.

A car with a dealer licence plate don’t impress me. It has a dealer plate he is either test driving it or probably work there and had to take it to get something looked at or something to go do and slapped the plate on it and went. Even if it didn’t have a dealer tag the look at me, look at my car, look what kind of car I have or I am driving mentality does nothing for me. It takes a lot to impress me and what you have or can buy isn’t going to do it. If they have that mentality of look at me look what I have or can buy the odds are their personality isn’t going to be doing much impressing either.

These guys try way to hard. But I guess that it what they have come to expect that most or a lot of these women want. The whole I’m not stalking your page thing don’t bother me, I just find it really funny because I have had I don’t know how many of them say it to me mid sentience when we are carrying on a normal conversation. Why not just say what was this or that about or that picture was a nice picture?

Like the guy I work with at work asked me how my sons party went last night we talked for a bit. He knew about it from facebook. He didn’t have to stop and say I’m not stalking your page but I seen you had a party over the weekend for your kid. He just ask how the party was and where the park was.

Working 9 to 2

I am sitting here at work doing my one 9 to 2 shift of the week. I am a little aggervated because I was told that I could move most my days to the 9 to 2 shift. That would give me more hours once hours were cut this fall, I still be here and I would be home with the kids at night.

Now the owners are back in the picture more they are doing it two or three days then the boss a couple days and me one. I am still stuck here all night 3 or 4 nights a week and now will lose most my hours in a few weeks if not my job.

The other girl says if her hours get cut she is leaving. I am hoping that they cut our hours and she leaves. Then they will let me do mine and hers. But that puts me here all night all the time. But i have to do what I have to do for now. Because i do have some flexibility with this job. If i need off and things. I just hate i was told one thing and now it is something else.

I am going to start job hunting this week and see what I find or get. Everything seems like it is nights. I don’t know. I hate the kids beong there at night. I hate not being there at night to see them.

I hate this ass for what he has done and the situation he has left them in. He should be there for them if I can’t. I should not feel so guilty for having to work my ass off to make up for what he should be paying and things. I am just all over the place today and feeling alone and everything else on top of it.

Wanted To Go To Church

Last Sunday father of the year was here when we were getting ready to go to church. He was supposed to watch the little kids why me and my big boy went to the barn. Since he still don’t have his truck on the road he road over with a guy from work who lives a few streets over. That was fine kept me from having to run out of the way and drop the kids off then back track to where we were going and then pick them up and back track to home. It’s over 8Ā miles to his placeĀ from my house south of me and about 10Ā miles from my house to the horse place north of me. Then to go get kids and come home after. This way he just catches a ride with the guy from work when he goes that way on a call and goes home once I get back. Saves me a lot of time and gas since I have very little for gas right now.

I ask him to wake the boys up and have them start getting ready when he got here so I could jump in the shower. He says he wants to start going to church again. I told him he could take the kids and go to the one he went to when we met and he goes when he dose go the last few years. He didn’t say anything. Then later he said something again about wanting to go. I told him if he wanted to take them and go then let me know but to decide so I knew what I was doing. I wanted to go but didn’t at the same. I had promised them we would go but I was already not feeling the best that morning. I knew they wouldn’t care where they went mostly likely as long as they got to go they love to go. He just mumbled something said forget it and went on.

Me and the kids went to church I get a text in the middle of church. When I looked after church to see who it was from, it was from him.

It said I really wanted to go to church today, really bothers me that I couldn’t go with you.

Why dose he want to go with me? What is that going to prove or show? He has a church to go to, the one he went to before we met and has went to since we split up. He went there for a long time before we got together and his grandma too. She is still there, they were some of the first ones at the church when it started. He could go back to the church that we went to for years and where we got married or he could pick any other church out of the 100’s around to go and try. Why dose he need to go to the church me and the kids found to start going to?

I know before anyone says we are supposed to want to invite everyone to church and share God with everyone and all that. Yes I know we are and I understand that. I invite people to go all the time and tell everyone about where we go. That is for people who are going for the right reasons and not someone who is going for the reasons he is going for. He may really want to start going to church and he may want to start trying to do better in his life but why dose he want to go to that church? He has never been there knew nothing about it until me and the kids started going. And it is over 20 miles from his house.

I think he wants to go and look like this happy little family like we are together and everything is just great. Even if we aren’t together or so he can put on his Mr. Wonderful act and poor him I’m splitting our family up and made him leave. I won’t take him back and give him another chance. If he goes then of course they will talk to him and invite him to things going on and he can become a member and even if we aren’t together he will always be there any time we go or do anything with the church. Just his way of forcing his way in and trying to show me he will be where I am rather I like it or not is how it feels to me.

If the kids had something they were in or something special they were doing and they wanted him to come and see them that would be one thing. Fine he could come and see them but that isn’t even a invite to keep coming all the time. I don’t know anyone who would do that or find it ok. R.C wanted to go to his in-laws church when we got together. And his ex went there when she could stay out of jail. I said no way. It just didn’t seem right to me to do something like that and just invites trouble if you ask me. We went once he wanted me to see what it was like and meet a few people. We went to where I use to go once but neither really felt right and we started looking for somewhere to go together.

I’m sure father of the year thinks I have told them all kinds of stuff about him. So he feels he needs to go and put on his Mr. Wonderful show, this to show them how its all me and I am the bad guy for not taking him back. The joke is on him, I have hardly talk to anyone there at all. Most people don’t know if I am married, divorced, or what. For all they know he could be dead. I have gotten kind of close to one lady there and we have talked but not a lot really. She helps with the kids and she knows that I am looking for a job and going through a divorce that’s it. I haven’t talked about why, if he left or I asked him to leave or the fact that my little one has a different dad than the rest of them or any of that. Really it isn’t everyone business church or other wise. I tell who I want to tell and that is it.

I don’t know why I felt really awkward and odd when he was saying he wanted to go and when I got the text and he said what he did. I guess because we are supposed to invite everyone and be open to everyone. But I just feel this is a much different situation and that it is for other reasons than just wanting to go to church and that I shouldn’t be put on the spot like that or on the line. I feel that I can’t go anywhere that he isn’t horning his way in or pushing to get to be a part of when he isn’t and shouldn’t be. He should have his own life friends and family not always trying to stay stuck to me like glue like he dose still like nothing is wrong.

I hate feeling like I am in the wrong in situations like this. Then I start to second guess myself and feel that maybe I am wrong about what he is doing. But I know I’m not when he dose it with everything and everywhere we go no matter how big or small and says stuff in front of the kids to try to make me look like the bad guy if I say no. All the while knowing full good and well what he is doing and it isn’t right.

Feeling Guilty

We slept in today because we have been up late and so busy the last week. Then I had a counselorĀ come out from the hospice to talk to the kids and answer some questions since my little guy is having a hard time with grandpa being sick.

I had decided I wasn’t going to go up as late as it is getting because I need to do some shopping and get dinner for the kids. It is getting late. I called a little bit ago and talk to him. I hadn’t heard from him today and he calls most everyday. He didn’t sound good I could hardly understand him. He talks so low now. I think his throat is bothering him from being sick so much.

I asked how he was doing he said he wasn’t doing good that he been sick a lot today. He said he wasn’t feeling well. I told him I was thinking about coming up first thing in the morning instead of tonight since it was getting so late. He said ok. He wasn’t happy because now he can’t go home until Monday maybe later.

He sounded so bad on the phone. Not bad but pitiful. Just over being sick, being stuck in there being bored with nothing to do. It just made me feel like shit for not going up there tonight but he said he wasn’t feeling good he had a ruff day and he was resting. I know he was probably looking forward to us coming. He always ask when I am going to be there. How long before I am coming. When we go I can only stay an hour and half to two hours before the kids are wound up and ready to go. Tomorrow father of the year is off and he wants to go see him. I figure we can all go up and see him and we can spend a little more time with him that way as well. They have a play area but someone has to be with the kids when they are in there. It is at the front where you come in. I haven’t let them go because we are there to spend time with grandpa and if we aren’t we are going home. I figure this way one of us can take them in there for a little bit if they get ants y. We can switch off and then they kids can go back in and see him a little more as well once they get some energy out.

But I still can’t help but feel like I’m wrong for not going up there tonight. I don’t even know what is for dinner. I have very little to spend between now and next Friday when we get paid for everything we need. I need to go shopping for food to make it last til then as best as I can. I been going and picking stuff up here and there as we needed it but I spend so much more money that way. The money will not last that long if I keep doing that. To be honest I just want to take them out and have a meal where I can just sit down and let someone else cook it clean up after it and wait on me for the night. There isn’t a chance of that happening. I just want to get in bed and stay there.

I so wish I lived closer so that I could just go 5 minutes down the road and be there like my brother and them. Even though they are 5 minutes a way my brother is the only one who has been over there to see him and he goes for a few minutes a night 45 minutes to a hour and thats it. His step daughter who cares so much for grandpa hasn’t been there yet. She isn’t even in school right now. She can drive so she could take one of their cars. My brothers wife hasn’t been over there either. They just go about their day as if nothing is happening and this is nothing.

If I was closer I would be over there a few times a day to sit with him and check on him. Even then probably for a hour or so at a time or to take him out when he is feeling up to it. Why are they ones that can be there in no time flat spend a little bit of time with him even once a day and they don’t bother to go or pick up the phone and even call him. But I’m the one that makes the drive sits with him for hours a day every day when he is in these places and so sick and one time I don’t go I feel so guilty and sick over it. Knowing I will be there tomorrow.

Names, Numbers And Text

A while back we went on a camping trip and before we left there was a huge fight. Where father of the year say here and acused me of seeing other people and not careing about my kids and all kinds of other stuff. Again I’m not but so what if I was, we are not together. You can read it here if you would likeĀ Catching Up.

Well the other night he went on a call and left his phone here. I was calling him to get information about what his dad send the kids for Christmas. I picked it up to look at the text. He gives me his phone when he is here all the time so it isn’t a big deal. I was flipping through the text and found one that was just a number but no name.

Babe I’m working till 7 I love you. Ā then another that says I miss you.

The other person replies I love and miss you more I’m done at 5:30.

he says K how is everything. they don’t reply again until later it then they say can you find out about how much I make I need to know for the daycare.

There are no more text back and forth after that at all. This was on October 6 th. I kept looking at them thinking there was something about them I was missing but couldn’t figure it out. Then a few days later I was telling my friend J about it and it hit me. The date they were sent the 6 th of October 3 days after the camping trip. The day after we came back. The way they were talking says to me they been talking and doing whatever they are doing for a while so long before the camping trip probably.

This why he was so very nasty and so stuck on me seeing someone and screwing around as he says. I even said to my friend I don’t know what is going on he is so nasty lately and just starting for no reason then we had that huge fight he put a hole in my bedroom door and things. I guess he was feeling guilty. I don’t know why because whoever she or he is they can have him. I don’t want him we aren’t together and they would be doing me a huge favour by taking him. He has no reason to act the way he was and say the things he did. I just find it funny there haven’t been any more text back and forth and why she would want him to find out how much she was going to be making for the daycare. Why wouldn’t she know what she was going to be making? There aren’t any women working at his job but one she has been there forever since she was like 18 or something and she is almost 40. she knows what she is making and she has a old man and kids at home. The rest are guys in the shop and the guys running the trucks. There aren’t any women. It’s also a long distance number but it looks like one of them numbers where you can download a app and it give you a different number you can call and text with.

My friend gave me a big flat screen tv. I had to take the seat out of the truck to be able to lay it down in the back to get it home. We went and got it and we got it unloaded at home. I went out to find the Christmas stuff. I see this little piece of paper folded up laying in the side in back of the truck. I started to not pick it up but something said get it and look at it. I turned reach in and grabbed it before I closed it. I unfold it and it is a slip off a pad where they right your order down when you go somewhere to eat. It says some name on it I can’t tell and has a phone number on it. Then it says brother and has another number written on it. I folded it up and put it a way.

No one is ever rides in my truck buy the kids and my friend J. She don’t ride back there and if the kids had gotten a number somewhere we were for something I would have known about it. We haven’t even been out to eat lately but to the dinner for lunch. It was me J and the kids. No one got any numbers there. My truck has been cleaned out and everything taken out back there not that long a go as well.

I don’t know why he has to be this way over it. Why come in and have such huge nasty fights when your the one doing whatever is being done. Why say such things about me and the kids as he said just to make everyone feel bad or to make me look bad to the kids? Go do what you are going to do want to do or whatever and leave me and the kids out of it. I really don’t care if you want her, she wants you go for it she will be doing me a hugeĀ favour. It will get him to go away and leave me alone for once maybe. Don’t do what your going to do and then come in my house and treat me like I am doing something wrong. I haven’t talk to anyone since me and RC split up.

I didn’t say anything it isn’t worth having a big fight about. I don’t care just wish he would find one that really wants his ass and he would go and leave us alone. But when he starts his shit again I am going to pull it all out and say something. Tell him not to be jumping on me for what he is doing and feeling guilty about.

I know he is probably feeling guilty because he still tells me all the time how he still cares about me, he can’t get over me, he just wants to fix things. He was just telling me the other night when they kids weren’t here how it drives him crazy when I get so mad at him and things because he still cares. I just look at him like ok whatever. He says what I can’t help how I feel I don’t know if I will ever get over you I just want to fix things. I tell him that its to late. He just says I know. See I don’t feel guilty for wanting to move on, I didn’t feel guilty when me and RC were together or when I was talking to my friend before me and RC. I don’t have anything to feel guilty for. I don’t have feelings for him what we had is done and over. He says how can you just go and do this or that and act like it don’t bother you. I tell him because it don’t. He says I am just saying these things to hurt him. I’m not I really don’t. I can do a lot of things I do because of the things I have been through I look at things a lot different now than I did when we were together or before we got together. And since everything happen with RC since him has really just kind of sealed the deal how I feel and look at things any more. I am tired of being hurt and treated like I don’t matter. If I am going to be for here and now and until something better comes along not forever then I am going to start looking at things the same way and not being as emotionally into things any more. Enjoy it while it last and move on. If it ends up being more than great if not no harm done.

But he tells me how he can’t afford to divorce me that he isn’t going to be able to have a place to live and pay child support. That is why he is fighting it so hard besides the fact he wants us back together. That is why when he made us homeless twice he ended up with me and my friends and family. Because his family wasn’t going to take him in. His friends weren’t offering to help him or take him in either. But it is time to grow up and be a man, if your job isn’t going to pay you enough to take care of what needs taken care of then you find one that pays more. If you can’t then you find another. I know plenty of people who work 2 or 3 jobs to make it. I would be working as many as I had to if I had a sitter. But I don’t have a free baby sitter around the clock so I can work whatever job I want to work or do what I want to do and not have to ever think about the kids like him and RC have.

I haven’t went for my divorce because he threatens he wants custody and he wants this and that all the time. He will get in there and fight it and stop it again. If I really get it back in court he will get his family to get him a lawyer. They have nothing to do with him 99.99% of the time but if he was going to court with me they would be behind him 100% and pay for a lawyer even though they have no idea what so ever what is going on how he treats the kids what he has done or anything else. I really don’t think it would matter if they knew. They would still help him to fight and get them even if he really don’t need to have them all the time. He has said it over and over to me again and again and to others that he don’t want them full time he can’t handle taking care of them full time. He just wants them on weekends and holidays and summer. The other summer shows he can’t even handle having them half a summer like he is supposed to. But here were we are if you show up with a lawyer and the other side don’t have one then you are just out of luck they get what they want. It isn’t worth it to me to risk losing my kids to him just because he wants to show me and get at me and not pay.

I am going to get a new set of divorce papers and I am going to have a lawyer fill them out for me. I am going to tell them I want child support, alimony, him to carry life insurance on himself, health insurance on the kids and anything else I can ask for. I don’t think I will get it all but if I don’t ask I don’t have a chance at getting it. I should be able to get alimony for sure because we have been married for 11 years going on 12 and we have been living together in the same house all but about a year of that. And that was years ago we have been for the last 2 to 3 years now. Really only for about 6 months do we show different addresses at all.

At this point the way he did me and the kids and still treat us he should have to at least pay alimony til me and the kids can get back on our feet and half of what it cost for daycare he isn’t having to worry about it and it is letting him work too. I just feel like he has done everything he can to keep us in the spot we are in even when I was willing to ask for nothing more than child support. He has kept me from working all this time refusing to come home and watch the kids when he could or to pay for child care to keep me from working then he should pay what I could have been making.





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