{February 18, 2019}   All By Myself

For weeks I have been planning to go to the Colt Ford concert, Bff said she was going and Sleeping Beauty said he wanted to go. Me and him were talking about it before Bff ever said she wanted to go. Then her sister and her husband were going to go and aunt and my friend that does my hair. The one that went with me and oldest to a concert last year. So it was just going to be a big group of us an adult night out having a good time.

Well I didn’t think bff was going to come she always backs out. But then when her sister was coming I figured she would. Sleeping Beauty I wasn’t sure I was back and forth with. But he seem to really want to go and asked me about it first.

Well I talk to sleeping beauty at 9 Thursday night and I just knew he wasn’t going to go. He never said he wasn’t but I just knew. Sure enough never heard from saturday, message and called nothing.

Then bff said oh they weren’t going. I think her sister didn’t like I was going she don’t like me. On top of that bff’s husband told her she could not go and started a fight. She says oh they aren’t together she has him out now she doing what she wants. But he barks she does. Tries to say no it was some other reason she did it not because of him. Everyone knows its because of him.

So I was left to go on my own. All the people missing and being found dead bff was like you better be careful come go to the beach with us. I said nope I made plans and I am going.

I couldn’t get off early so I ended up going late but the concert still didn’t start for an hour or more. I went got gas and a drink then sat in the truck for a bit on the phone.

Finally a little after 8 I decided to go in see what was going on and check out the band playing before Colt.  I could of gotten to the stage probably but I stopped about halfway from it. There was a little area that wasn’t full of people i could see on the stage and everyone good get good pictured.

There was a guy and lady with chairs a few feet in front of me and another guy there with them. The lady left and went somewhere for a bit.

I stood there for about 10 minutes people coming and going walking around.  The guy that was with the ones sitting in front of me came up and ask if I was alone. I said yes, he said you are more than welcome to sit with us. He said you can have that chair sit there.

I said thank you but I was good, I had been sitting most the day. He came around and stood by me started talking. We stood there and talked a while. He said something to his friend and he said his friend said he has a boat. A nice sail boat. He motion for his friend to shut up and looked at him. He said oh I’m not supposed to tell her that? He said no. He said no I don’t tell them that stuff later after I get to know them if I want them to know. He looked at me and said yes i have a sail boat I live on over here. Me and my daughter.

He has two daughters I think he said 18 and 20/21. It was loud I had a hard time hearing. We stood there and talked the whole time just about. His friends got up and moved because they couldn’t see or something. We moved up closer to the stage I was trying to record. Then we moved over to the side. It was toward the end of the concert probably a few songs left I said I am going up here. I was leaving. The sound was horrible it wasn’t a good show. I went to see if they had tshirts but wasn’t impressed with them either. We ended up walking around the downtown area. We sat on a bench there and talked for a while. We got onto the subject of escape rooms. I said there was one few blocks away. He said lets go do it. I said na he was like why not? I said lets go see what it is like. I wanted to see if they were were looking for help and who owned it. Maybe do one. They were closed. After that we walked around some more. He asked where I was parked? I said back over by where we were. He said lets make the big loop around. We ended up at the parking lot we say on this little wall there and talked some more. He said wait you have your car here right? I said yes. He said take me to get some smokes. I said okay. We walked over to the truck he was like this is yours? I said yeah he was like wow.

We got in I said you have to go over the bridge to go home right? He said yes. I said why don’t we go to the little store right there then I can drop you off instead of bringing you back here you having to get back there. We lost his friends at this point and they had probably gone home or over to where I was dropping him off. He said you don’t mind? I said no it’s right here. Everywhere we are talking about aren’t even a mile its all in this little down town area or just over the bridge. All walking distince even if you have to go over the bridge.

In our night of hanging out and talking he told me a lot. I don’t know if he is telling the truth or just full of himself. He said he started a computer company at like 18 and has done all kinds of work with computers and started companies and things. How he helped his friends. That he has taken off the last 3 years or more sailing around. He done all this stuff he 40 and never really had a “normal” life. He is just taking time off.

He asked about me and things. I had told him I was a single mom of 4. We were talking about why I got a divorce and things. I said something about my older 3 kids being his and then having my daughter.

He said wait so you have 3 kids by your ex husband then you just have daughter? I said yeah I was in a relationship for a short time and had her. He was kind of surprised. He said oh that’s not bad you don’t have 4 kids by 4 different daddy’s and things. I said no not like that at all. He said that’s cool.

We just talked about a lot. He asked me about where I worked I don’t think at first he was getting that I worked two different places. When we first started talking and things and were talking about it he said so if I send you flowers how many are to many? I laughed something was said about sending them to the car lot. I said but I am only there after 5 few days a week. He said oh no they are being sent there. He said so as long as they all fit in your backseat it is good? He said I always over do it.

I dropped him off he said I want a picture but my phone is dead. I said here. He said you going to send me one? I said you have to be in it. He came around to my side of the truck and open the door we took a couple.

We talked off and on some yesterday I haven’t heard from him today. Whatever he turns out to be he does. It don’t matter, I had a good time saturday not looking for more. Whatever happens happens.

{August 2, 2018}   Why After so Long

Why do I feel this over powering feeling of needing to be with someone after all this time? I didn’t date or talk to guys for 4.5 years or more and was fine with it. I would have times of feeling lonely or that it would be nice to be with someone once in a while. But it didn’t last, it was the normal lonely for the day or whatever feeling.

Its been different lately, lately its like it is a need more than a want if that makes since. But I still not just rushing to be with just whoever to have someone. I know I don’t need or have to have someone to be happy. But I feel like such a large piece is missing or this void in my life.

I keep thinking about what my friend said about just find a decent guy and let everything else work it’s self out or that it would.

Sleeping Beauty saying we all want to be independent but always need a guy.

Both basically saying the same thing really. Maybe they are right maybe it wasn’t what I needed in the past, but what I need at this point. Like I said in my post In The Cards of Life or re The Cards. Maybe I need to just slow down and stop worrying about having everything straight before I meet someone or what.

I just don’t like the way I feel about it all.

{August 30, 2016}   Yes This Happen Today

Okay so I guess technically yesterday now since it is after midnight. But anyway, I picked my older two up from school and we stopped at the little junk store on the way to the grocery store. My oldest got this nice picture for her wall, it it stone or something good size and heavy so I stopped at home to drop it off before we went on. She gets back in the truck and we head on our way.

She says I think these two boys at my school like me.

I said well that’s good you are making more friends.

She said no not like that, the other way. I think they Like me.

I said oh why do you think that?
She says well one asked me to be his girlfriend and the other told me to my face he liked me.

I said so how old are they? What are they life? What did you say?

She said I told the one I didn’t really want a boyfriend right now. The other I told he was to young anyway.
He said why it was only a two year age difference it wasn’t that much.

Then the 8 year old told him she would be his girlfriend. The little boy told her no.

My daughter says to him why not it’s only a two year age difference she isn’t that young? I about died when she told me she said that to him. I asked what he said.

She said he didn’t say anything just looked at her and went on.

She said that the 14 year old was nice but he has his tongue pierced and has a tattoo.

I asked her if she was sure he was only 14 maybe he was like her brothers Best Friend, just looked young for his age. She said now she knew he was only 14 because of something that happen or said.

So for now she isn’t interested in having a boyfriend. I guess that is a good thing. I am sure if she was in the public school she would probably be trying to find one to fit in. I told her awhile back the boys at church liked her and she didn’t believe me. Maybe she will meet someone she likes there when she decides she wants a boyfriend.

I told my friend about it and what she said about the one having a piercing and tattoo.

She was like OH.

I said really don’t bother me either way.

She was like yeah you say that now just wait and laughed.

Like I told her you know the kids that had piercings, wore the all black and was different than everyone, the ones everyone called the “freaks” were my real friends when I was in high school. I talked to anyone and everyone and everyone rather I knew them or not would come to me with their problems. But when it came down to who I spent my time with sat with at lunch went places with and looked for to talk it was them. Because they didn’t care who you were or how you dressed or didn’t dress or what you did or didn’t do if you liked them and wanted to be friends they were your friends. Most of them were nicer and better than the “normal” kids or whatever you wanted to call them at school. You were you and did you they were them and did them and that was fine everyone didn’t have to be the same or act and dress the same to be friends. They do anything for anyone who needed it rather they were part of the group or not. When it came to drugs and drinking all that there were less of them doing them than the other kids. you all ways here the other kids talking about getting in trouble fights drinking drugs parties the cops coming. It was an every weekend things. Others few used drugs and really got into trouble. The ones who did didn’t care if the others didn’t they didn’t push them into doing them or going out and getting in trouble and things. They didn’t treat you any different or make fun of your or what if you didn’t like the other kids if you weren’t running with their groups all the time and doing the things they were you get picked on and couldn’t hang out with them. It’s crazy it shouldn’t be like that. I said there was much more respect from them toward others and respect among them all for each other.

Piercings don’t bother me and tattoos don’t. 14 yes I feel is a little young for a tattoo but if that is ok with his parents and what he wanted to do then that is not for me to judge. I have a deal with my oldest son, when he is 16 I will take him to get a tattoo. If he still wants the same thing he wanted last year and hasn’t changed his mind. He has another 6 years to think about it and decide if he really still wants it. I am not going to bring it up anymore if he don’t. But if he brings it up and says hey mom remember you said if I still wanted that robot tattoo at 16 you would take me to get it? Then yes I will take him to get it. I figure by 16 he will have friends that will be trying to do them or find someone willing to do it out of their house somewhere if I say no. I much rather him get it somewhere I know everything is done on the up and up it’s all clean. I say if he still wants the same thing because it is there forever if he still wants the same thing then he has thought about it for a very long time he will probably not regret it later. I had wanted a tattoo from the time I was in my teens but never knew what I wanted for sure. I knew I wanted something that had meaning not just to get something just because I wanted a tattoo so I picked something. I also knew that I wanted something done right and by someone who knew what they were doing and I was willing to wait until I had the money to pay for that. It took me until I was 28 to decide what I wanted and get one. But I wouldn’t change it. I am two in and want at least 3 or 4 more.

She was pretty surprised when I said I truly wasn’t worried about her boyfriend and if he had piercing and tattoos. But it is true. Now dealing with her dad and other family is a different story, if she brings someone home like that they will flip. But they will have to get over it. As long as he treats her right and she is happy I will support her and stand up for her. If he don’t treat her right that is a different story all together and I don’t care how they look dress or anything else. But I don’t think I have to worry about her being with anyone who don’t treat her right. She is a pretty strong girl and knows what she wants and don’t want and isn’t going to let no boy tell her what to do or not treat her right she will have him hitting the road so fast his head would spin. She is not scared to fight back so I feel sorry if one ever hit or tried to hit her. Then he would have to deal with me.

They don’t know it but I will be working at the school in the next few weeks helping out. One of the staff is having an operation on her back and they need someone to fill in for her and someone to come in and do a few other things. I will have to get a look at this boy and see what he is like in case she changes her mind. I am wondering if he was the one who answered the door one day they forgot something in the truck and dropped it off. I though he was older but he could have been 14. He seems like the type that would be like she said.

Boy seems like we are doing everything all at once here. I just took her and bought her a bra a few weeks ago and a razor to shave her underarms. I have asked her and asked her off and on for almost a year now if she needed to shave her underarms and she has told me no no no. She was trying on bras and needed me to look at something I walked in the fitting room and about died. I couldn’t believe her underarms. We went and got a razor for her to start using. Then the other week something was said and I said something to my sister about it and she said oh yeah her little girl told her a long time ago about her having hair under her arms and that granny knew. I said why didn’t anyone tell me? I guess her little girl thought it was pretty bad too and they thought I wasn’t letting her shave. I do not go in the bathroom when she is showering or in the room when she is getting dressed. I guess she changed clothes at my moms or whatever gown she wears at my moms they could see it. I told her I wouldn’t do legs yet because you can’t even see hair on them and if she starts now she will have to do it rather she likes it or not or not be able to wear shorts once she starts. I wish I had never done mine or not when I did. Now I have to do them if I want to wear shorts or a dress. It isn’t very thick but it is dark and grows all funny. I hate shaving because of the way my skin is.

{November 29, 2014}   Keeping Secretes

Me and my friend J have been hanging out on father of the years day off. It gets me out of the house and a little break. We go shopping just to look around and get out of the house. She has gotten a few outfits why we were out for her trip she is on. We will be looking and I’m looking at t-shirts and jeans she is looking at all these short dresses and things. She keeps telling me we are looking for a man you need to wear something sexy and get out of those jeans and t-shirts. I told her there are no men around her for me. They all have issues and already heard to much about me. Between father of the year and my brother god only knows what all is going around about me. She has heard a lot but I haven’t asked her because I really don’t want to know. I don’t need to feel any better about myself.

Like I have said many times before there isn’t anyone out there that is decent or half way decent that is going to want to date someone in my situation anyway. I don’t blame them and wouldn’t really want to date them and would question their motive if they did. Because there is no way in hell I would date a guy that was living with his ex wife or soon to be ex wife or whatever she was. If they have been together and been in a relationship they should not be living together and think they are going to find someone else to date that is just ok with it. But a lot of guys would because so many girls out there these days don’t really care or looking for a relationship. They are mostly about what he is can give her or do for her as long as he is giving and doing they really don’t care what he is doing. They are doing the same stuff with more than one of them at a time as well.

I have thought about it a lot over the last few months and lot the last few weeks. I really do want to meet someone and get to know them and have a relationship. I don’t know if there is anything I want more right now other than getting out of here and having a life again and to start dating again. But I really don’t want to rush into things. I’m not rushing into sleeping with them in the first few weeks or what not and I won’t be introducing my kids to them any time to soon once I meet them either. If at all.

The more I think about it the more I really don’t think I want my kids to know I am seeing anyone or to meet them. Even after we have been together for a while. I don’t think I want to meet his kids either if he has any or get to know them. I don’t want to jump into another relationship either. If I am not going to be in a relationship with them they really aren’t meeting my kids nor me theirs. If it turns into more I still don’t want to meet theirs or them mine.

I am happy seeing them when I can and when they can. I am find working around their kids and mine. I am fine with them not knowing I’m seeing someone or not meeting them even if they find out I am. I see no point in it when they all are just here for the here and now and not forever. They can say they are all they want but who can you believe any more really? I think I could be very happy with just talking and texting when the kid are around and only seeing them when either of us don’t have our kids. We can spend time together with out interruptions from the kids or having to worry about them. It might not be as often and they may not be there to be that extra help or support when things are ruff with the kids and things are going on. But at least they will be there to reach out to and talk to and help in whatever way they can. I won’t feel like I am alone in all of it and have no one to talk to or like I am not getting what I need. Maybe one day a couple years down the road if I haven’t ran him off then I will consider and talk about letting them meet my kids and get to know them I me meeting theirs and getting to know them. If we go through with it and then he decides he don’t want to stick around it probably won’t end to pretty.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: