I Almost Cried

Yesterday after the awards at the school I left and I went and paid the water bill and the internet bill. I paid them both down to $0. I still have the light bill to pay on next week but when I do it will also be paid down to $0 balance.  The water bill was late the light bill will be on time. On time and paid in full!

I know that probably don’t sound like a lot to you all or your saying yeah so lots of people do that all the time or what. But for me that is a big deal and to know that I did it on my own, without having to borrow, or use my tax money, or money I got from here or there it huge.

In the last 7 years me and the kids were homeless two years in a row for Christmas. We got into this place March of 2014. Although we have had a place it has been a struggle to keep it and keep bills paid. Much less other things we need. I have worked two and three jobs at a time and just staying a step ahead from sinking. Get a step or so ahead or think I was and get knocked back down.

I don’t think I have had a $0 balance on my bills since I started services there 4.5 years ago. Other than if I got my tax money and was able to pay them up and then they were up there again in a month or two because I wan’t making enough to pay them off each month. I would shuffle money around to keep things going. Final notices got paid and everything else got shuffled until the magic letter came in the mail. Then I would have to borrow to get keep them going at times or we would do without other things or scrape by.

I was so happy and excited I almost cried when I paid the water bill it showed a $0 balance. It is so discouraging to pay it have them hand you the receipt and it have a balance on it over $100 and you just handed them $200 or more.

Needless to say my excitement quickly faded when I got to work and oldest messaged me and said oh did you get the note that was on the door yesterday?

I had no idea what she was talking about she sent me a picture it is a three day notice to pay or get out. I owe them $400 for “repairs” Because I have to pay $75 every time they have to send someone out. 99% of the time it is for the plumbing that they have been told over and over has a busted pipe. But they will not pay someone to check it out. They say I have to do that. I don’t have the money. So when it won’t drain at all I have to do something I call them they send their man he cleans the line and it drains for a bit and we do it over. If I have the money i pay it and when I don’t it sits there. Rent is paid on time every month has been for a while because it is the one thing I have no play with when it gets paid why everything else gets shuffled around. They can’t put me out over anything other than rent but they I guess took my rent money and put it on my fee’s so it shows I am behind on my rent. Since I paid by their card not a check or money order there isn’t much I can do about it. If I pay by check or money order and write for rent they can’t use it for anything else. Since it is on the card they can do what they want because it isn’t marked. But I have always done it like that and if it was paid on the first they just took it as rent. I have been paying $75, $25 a $100 extra a month but I don’t have it all I talked to them and that was fine because I gave them a chunk upfront. But then I had to call them since and they have a hair in their ass about something they did this and didn’t even say they were changing things up or nothing just come stick a note on the door. Now i am trying to figure out how to pay it before TOMORROW. If I had known I could of probably waited to pay those bills had a chunk of it now I paid them I don’t have any of it. If I get paid tomorrow that is food money and lights. I was going to ask my boss at my night job but he is out of town until Tuesday so that don’t help. I can probably get by until Monday but after that I will be in Trouble they will be back Monday if I don’t pay it that morning. Then it will cost more they add fee every time they have to come out there or what. I don’t know what I am going to do. Even if I worked doing pizza’s this weekend I won’t make near that much. I don’t know who else to ask to borrow it.

I am probably going to have to pawn my guns and then I am going to be in that cycle that I can’t get out of for a while end up costing me a ton of money in the end. I was feeling so good and so accomplished. That I was making progress, real progress I was going to have all the bills paid up and then be able to pay that $400 up. But it was costing me more to not pay the bills up first vs paying the rent up and I had made arrangments and was making payments. I was going to start paying extra to pay it up faster since I had bills paid up and wasn’t paying so much on them and late fee’s. I will work it out but I don’t know how and it feel knocked down and defeated again and like all my work was for nothing if I can’t come up with this last little $400.

Swinging, Hanging on by a Thread

The last week or more I have walked around feeling nothing or dead inside. Knowing things are wrong or not right or even good and just not caring either way and not feeling anything either way. Then all of a sudden Wednesday night yesterday something shifted or swung in another direction and I am all over the place. One minute I’m angry and mad, the next I am in tears feel like everything is spiraling out of control and a mess or that I have dropped the ball and can’t catch it.

I know I am getting things caught up and better off than I was a couple years ago and even a few months ago. But like I said before it don’t get better it just changes. I have the job and money things down and some how making it work I guess.

But now I have the problem with the kids Little Bitty is really having problems with me not being there much. I have never had to leave my kids so much and work so much when my kids were that little. I feel horrible the summer is almost over I haven’t gotten to do anything with them. I have worked. I wanted to take a trip or two when I got this truck and now this shit happen. It is going to cost me more money that i really don’t have with all the work I have missed.

I have to go to the ssi office and deal with them because I haven’t and I know I should of by now. It is just one more thing to do. My to do list is just seems to keep piling up and up. I just don’t feel like it or have to take yet more time off work to take care of it. I haven’t taken myself back to the doctor like I need to, I haven’t gotten other things I need done taken care of. I just don’t know how to find that balance or if I will.

I feel like the closer I get to getting ahead and making things better I just making things worse in other ways. I sit here and think I just want to quit my jobs go home be with my babies. Figure everything out there. Then I tell myself I have to work so that they can have a roof over their head, electric, water, food, you know the basics that no one else cares if they have or not or offers to provide for them or help provide for them. of course that snowballs into thinking about all that and them and how they aren’t doing anything at all but that I am the one catching shit from everyone else because things aren’t up to their standards or because I am working to much and because I am not getting things back on track in the order or how they think I should be or taking care of the kids the way they should be. But no one bats and eye or says a word to the fucking deadbeats that do nothing. How about hunt them down tell them what a horrible parent they are, how they don’t love their kids, or care how they live or what they do or don’t have. How the only one there doing anything for them can’t spend time with them because of the way things are and they are working their ass off to cover it all make it all happen and doing the best they can because they aren’t doing their part or seeing them like they should. instead of just causing problems and making things worse for the one doing it and making them feel bad about everything.

I sit here and wonder why I am doing this, is life worth living? Why is it worth living, what makes it worth living. I know what I have to do, I want to do it but at the same time I just feel like why? Why are we all doing this? Is anyone happy? Is everyone happy and there is just something wrong with me and now I have drug my kids into this miserable unhappy world with me? I Are they going to want anything to do with me when they are older or are they going to leave and not come back around? They say they want to stay with me or live close and always be together and things but do they really mean it? I don’t remember every thinking that I wanted to stay at home or live close to my family or ever feeling close to my family. I never felt loved, don’t remember being happy or feeling happy. I still don’t feel loved, I haven’t felt loved in a very long time. I know the kids do and feel that some of them do. But it’s different everyone knows that. they can’t show or give what I need, in the way it is needed. It isn’t them it they aren’t supposed to. I wonder if they feel anything or if they are walking around like me and just miserable or is it to late have a really failed them or messed them up and are they just dead inside or empty like I have been feeling?

Just writing this I am all over the place up down and unsure of what to think or feel. I plaster on that fake smile and just keep working. There is a driver at my night job that comes in and talks before he goes on his runs or hen he gets back. He was coming in once a week but I hadn’t seen him in a while other than one night when I was leaving and he was. He stopped said hey that was about it. He was driving by as I was getting in the car.

Last night he came in it was his day off he had to talk to them about some time off. His mom has to have a heart thing done. We were sitting and talking and the other guy who works with me at night was on the phone. He said something about him talking in the background, so he said he was going to go outside and smoke, asked if I wanted to come out with him and if I smoked. I told him i didn’t but I walked out and talked to him for a bit. He asked if I wanted to go out grab something to eat and a drink. I told him I couldn’t I had to get home to the kids, I promised my little one I would watch a movie with her when I got home. We all talked some more there in the office until it was time to leave. We all walked out and we were standing there in the parking lot talking. He said well we better go before people start talking.

He keeps asking us if we want to go out after work or if I want to go out after work. He is a nice guy but he’s like 54 or 55 I think. He said his son is going to be 29 and he had him when he was 25. Besides that we work together, I don’t want to go there. Of course find one that is decent and he’s older and works with me. It’s like a cruel joke the world plays. Dangle it just out of reach.

I guess I should get off here, I’m at work, I been here an hour and half an been on here and watching a show. I need to take care of the things that need done here and go take care of this truck and deal with this guy that I really don’t feel like dealing with. I just want it all to go away. Someone twitch your nose, snap their figures and make it all go away or make it all better.

Not Done Yet

have you ever been thinking about someone or something that is or was in your life and all of a sudden have the thought that your time or interaction with them the way you thought wasn’t over yet?

This morning I pulled into the little store to get my coffee and Sleeping Beauty messaged me and said I want a coffee too. I said then come and get it. I went in and got my coffee and got in line. He never came over I looked at my phone he messaged said he already had one. It was cold he been at work since 8:30. I said why so early because he don’t start until 10 either. He said that is when his ride dropped him off.

We talked back and forth until it was time to start work. I was kind of surprised because we have only talked once since Having a Hard Time other than when they all went out Wednesday. I was messaging Bff and we were joking around. I said I feel so unloved.

I got a text from him that said I love you. I just laughed and said I love you too. He replied oh shit that was supposed to go to so and so. I just said that is okay no one does and nothing more has been said since. I don’t know if he was surprised by my response and didn’t know what to say or what. I know it wasn’t meant for the other person because he never text her and she was sitting right there at the table together. 99% of the time she don’t have her phone on her. But whatever.

Today like I said I was kind of surprised to hear from him or that he talked. I was just thinking about everything with him all that is going on and everything. I was thinking it was nice to hear from him and just talk like friends and like we use to and things. That I do like being friends with him and that I am okay with that. That the idea of more is gone and I am okay with that. I would rather be friends than mess things up and be nothing because he is a good person and fun to hang out with and it’s nice how we all hangout and things.

I hadn’t really thought anymore about it since this morning. I thought about Thursday being Little bitty’s birthday and bff and all us supposed to go to the fair and things. I wondered if he was coming and wondered if anyone told him or asked him if he wanted to come. Me and Bff and her aunt and all the kids are going. I thought he been hanging out with us all and doing things with us all I should of asked him. I figured I would ask Bff if she said anything to him about it.

All of a sudden was like someone walked up and said things aren’t done between y’all yet. I don’t know what that is supposed to mean or how to take it, is it good? Bad? It was like someone just walked up and said it to me.

I don’t know what to think about it, I don’t have time to try and figure it out or dwell on it. I have spent enough time trying to figure things out with him and help him and everything else. I’m not worried about what may or may not happen if it is good or bad. I’m just act like it was never a thought and keep going.

 

I Let go of The Baggage

I don’t know what happen that night we all drank (Moonshine Is Not My Friend) but it is like something just snapped in the three of us. Me and Bff probably more than her aunt I think.

Bff didn’t drink the moonshine she drank while we were out, she had I don’t know how many drinks and then some of a few others who gave her theirs. Then she stopped and didn’t drink anymore once we got to her friends house. Me and her aunt had one or two before we got there but then when she brought the moonshine out is when we really started drinking. We found out later the blue 140 proof one she brought back to bff’s house and was slipping and drinking it outside once we got back to Bff’s house and I got inside. She would go out to smoke and drink it. Why she was lit the next morning at 9 something in the morning. We couldn’t figure it out because no one seen her bring the jar home or drinking. Later bff found it and last week she told us she brought it done there in her purse and sat it outside on the deck when they were trying to bring me inside.

After that night I just felt different, a way I had really never felt before. I was hungover for like two days. It was Saturday before I felt I could even really think about eating a normal meal and function almost normally. But aside from that it was like something just changed or was different. Almost like everything I had been thinking about, bothered by and why I was drinking just disappeared. I guess maybe I just let it all go that night. That is it I just felt this huge release like everything that had been weighing me down, depressing me, holding me back or was in my way the last few years since RC, the divorce, my dad passing and all of it, I just let it all go that night. I haven’t picked it back up since then. I feel like a whole different person. I feel stronger and more empowered. I feel ready to really live my life and be happy.

As I write this and really think about it I owned a lot of shit that was not mine to own and to carry around. A lot of guilt for the way things are and a lot of guilt for the way my kids have been done by their dads. I felt it was my fault and I couldn’t fix it. All though I did leave father of the year, I left because of the abuse, and I tried my hardest for over a year to get him to see what was going on and what was going to happen. Although I left him and I asked for the divorce I did not do anything WRONG. I stood up for myself. I also did nothing wrong toward my children or cause anything that is or has happened with them. I have never told them they can not see or talk to their dad. I have never told him he can not see or talk to his children. I have always told him it was their relationship how they go about that is on them. HE is the one that chose to step out and not be a part of their lives. HE is the one that cut off contact and support. HE is the one missing out. HE is the only one that can decide to come back in the picture and try to make things right with them.

The same with RC. although we may have had our disagreements, our problems were no where near anything that we could not have worked out, learned from and grew from. HE decided to leave, HE decided to cut off contact, HE decided to not know his daughter. Again HE is the only one that can decide to come back around and build that relationship with her.

I CAN NOT CONTROL them and make them be the men they should be and I CAN NOT make them be the dads I so wish my children had and want.

I also CAN NOT carry around the burden of their wrong doings as my own. What they are doing is NOT MY FAULT, I DID NOTHING WRONG. All I done was get me and my kids out of a very abusive relationship that I should of never gotten myself into. Then I helped a man raise his children and find his daughter that he had no relationship with. I DID NOT ask to be ABUSED. I DID NOT stand in the way of a father and their child, like a lot of women would of done and are doing. I have had the best interested of all the children involved in mind from the start in both situations. Rather they were mine or otherwise. I know I am doing right by my children and all that were involved and that I continue to do right by mine and provide and there for mine that is all that matters at this point. As long as I carry around what they did o are doing and own their wrong doings I will always feel this doom or gloom and weight of the world on my shoulders.

I told Bff about a week after that something was different, something happen that night. She said YES she said you too? I feel so different since that night I don’t know what it is. She said she felt very angry after that night. Angry at herself. Then she was angry with different people she had been talking to. She started standing up to them and not backing down and telling them no they were wrong and this isn’t right. She started really standing up to old boss her hubby from the transmission shop. He started about somethings she did the last couple weeks and not telling him first or asking him what to do or if she could or if it was okay and things. She just told him look it’s not like that anymore and I am on my own and I have to decide things around here, I can’t call you every few minutes or be worried about what you like or what. This effects me and the kids your not here.

The other day we were talking about it and she said since that night I just don’t care what anyone thinks anymore, if they get mad or don’t like it or what. She said I’m just like fuck it, it’s my life and I am taking control of it. I am deciding what goes on and what I do and how things are done.

She said I think there was something shown or revealed to everyone that night. I said I don’t know but I know I loss a lot that night and I fucked up with Sleeping Beauty that night but, I gained so much that night, it took a bit to see it and figure it all out but I do now. As bad as that night seemed at first it really wasn’t.

Unexpected Praying

I haven’t prayed in a long time, probably since I tried to do the 30 day prayer challenge back last year. Here is where I am right now.

I am at my day job that I love. It is all I have wanted other than pay. I am able to come and go and take off when I need or want to. Everyone I work with are supper nice.

I was at the lot it wasn’t working for me but most of the people were nice. The pay days and hours sucked but it was just enough to cover everything between the two.

Now tomorrow I start this new job in the evenings and leave the car lot. The hours are good no more weekends and the pay is great. The people I have met so far are nice. I can more than make the bills in a month. I can get ahead and have somethings. Get new truck and fix things.

I am happy for the most part, life isn’t perfect but it never will be. I am okay with the way things are for the most part. I don’t feel this doom and gloom feeling all the time. I feel like everything is alright or working out. I still feel somethings aren’t fair or right but I don’t care. That’s another post all together.

But I don’t miss not going to church or the praying or any of it. It has been years since I went to church last and a while since I prayed. I use to pray even when I wasn’t in church. I tried that challenge because I hadn’t been praying like I should. But it didn’t work out and I gave up on all of it. Like I said I have been okay with it all. I had not even thought about any of it until a few weeks a go. I was driving down the street thinking about Sleeping Beauty and all that is going on and was said and done between us. How things are now what me and bff has been talking about. AnD over The last few weeks I keep catching myself thinking about all of it and praying. I don’t even notice or realize I am doing it until I get distracted by something else and then think about what I was doing. Most the time I am just driving a long.

I don’t know why or what causes it or even gets me started. It seems very odd or weird even to me. Because I haven’t prayed for anyone or anything in so long. Someone brings it up I tell them yeah I don’t do that anymore or I don’t believe in it or what. People say pray for me I say I would if it was something I do but good luck.   Why am I not even trying or knowing and why in this situation now? Why do our minds do that to us?

Day 3 Song Challenge

Just a upbeat catchy song.

 

I do not own this song or any rights to it.

Disapointed Kids

I am so aggervated and I know I shouldn’t be, that I need to consider the source. I am and I am more aggervated over the source and it running its mouth than what it is saying.

I told you the mess I went through trying to get the kids things for Christmas and everything. Well first it was I can’t believe you got them that they don’t need it amd this other one I should of gotten them. But they don’t need a game because that is all they do. Well I work 10 to 11 hour days out of the house about 12, 3 days a week the two I am off by 5 I am still not in until 5:30 if I don’t have to do anything after work. If I have anything to do like going to the store for her or what I am not home until 7 maybe 6:30. But later most the time. It is dark at 6 and littles go to bed at 7/7:30 and 8:30/9. We have no time to get out and do things or go outside. Sundays we will go to the park or something or be lazy.

If she is not there the kids do go out and play even if I am not home. Her being the way she is they don’t bother to. She have a fit they don’t need to be out their alone and what they could or couldn’t do and everything. They don’t want to put up with her and I can’t be fighting with her from work over the phone. So they watch tv play games on the computer or tv.

Now I find the other things that I want and decide to do something different it’s how cheap I am and how disappointed my kids are going to be and she can’t believe that is all I am going to give them. How if everyone else don’t give them something they are getting nothing.

My kids are use to getting 3 to 5 gifts each. They get a new pair of pj’s and an ornament to go with that. So it works out to 5 to 7 things each. Normally their pj’s and ornaments I put in their stocking and give them the night before. So there isn’t stalkings for say. There are they just don’t have a bunch of tiny thing in them or candy. I was not going to do ornaments or pj’s this year at all with buying the thing for all 4 of them trying not to spend even more money knowing I still had to pay the other off. Then I decided to go ahead and do PJ’s but knew I may have to return them depending how things played out. Little Bitty has been all about stockings so I picked up a few little games and coloring pages at the $1 place to make a little stocking and I will put a little candy in it. I also picked up card game or small game for each kid that will fit in them. They were like $5 each. So they are going to get those too.

I have a drone for both boys, oldest did not want one. I also have two smaller remote control cars for the boys. They are both getting an action figure they wanted.

I got oldest Minecraft for the computer she has been asking for. It was with in a few dollar’s of costing the same as the drones. I also got her a small 3D puzzle she has been wanting. I asked her if she would like one of the big ones or middle size ones she said no. She wants to start out with the smaller ones first try them. Then I got her a book she told my mom she wanted and she said she was going to get and then didn’t. The book gose with the game I got her so she can learn to do different things. i also got her a cup with candy in it she wanted.

Little Bitty got the hatchamal she wants, a doll and a my little pony styling head.

I feel they are getting things they want then it don’t matter. She take the $50 and find one big thing or bunch of little stuff that no one really wants or going to use. Just look like she got something great or she spent all this money. I rather have things they are going to use or asked for.

So all I have heard is how upset and disappointed “your” kids are going to be. Then told today how they are going to never know what a real Christmas is as long as they are with me. Because I didn’t buy a ton of candy, cookies and junk. I hadn’t even gotten to that yet and we don’t buy a ton of it. They have been baking cookies and cakes for weeks and eating. I was going to pick up a few things. I worked 11 hours Wednesday, Thursday and Friday then 10 Saturday. I had to wait for my check Friday and Monday to shop or finish shopping. Then I had the mess trying to figure it all out. I haven’t had time to bake and do all that.

I was already thinking about getting stuff to make fudge and cookies and doing next weekend. I have Sunday-Tuesday off and don’t have to worry about shopping, or anything like that. We can just relaxe and take our time.

 

 

 

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