{July 31, 2018}   Just Two Unloved People

Am I attracted to Sleeping Beauty because he feels safe? Because we are just two broken people who understand eachother two people who no one cares about or loves? Since we are both in the same boat then we can make things better for eachother? Since no one loves us we can just love eachother and everything will be okay. Am i scared that if I get with someone else then they will see how broken I really am and run away? Because I am not perfect for them? Or because so many don’t understand mental health and there is such a stigma around it? Because I know I am good enough but I also know I am not perfect and that I have struggles. I can do it on my own but I don’t want to and it be a lot easier on my mentally to have that help. Are they going to look down on me for that? Are they going to not see that it isn’t just me not wanting to do it or not doing it but that I am functioning as best as I can and sometimes I need that extra help. Or are they going to look at me as the bed mother, horrible person and unlovable or not worth putting time into leave like the rest. Are they going to think that they can do as they want and treat me any ol way and I won’t say anything because I won’t want them to leave? Like father of the year did?

I just want to be happy and loved I just want someone to take the time to really get to know me, ask questions and understand. Don’t look at me different or hold something against me when I tell you. I ask questions and listen to understand not to relpy. I do not look at people different or hold things against them when they tell me. I want to know to truely understand them and to know them, where they are coming from, why they do the things they do and are the way they are. But I find not many people are that way. If they do ask they are asking for other reasons and then hold it against you or feel your saying it to be mean or vindictive.

If seems that if they aren’t then they are scared and dance around things or avoid them or pick you apart and hold things against you even when they know it is not true just so in their mind they have a reason to keep you at arms length. They know they know it isn’t what it seems but they still use it. I don’t know im rambling now I know.

I just thought of it last night and this morning the way I been feeling. Of course I been thinking about it since. A fleeting thought I get stuck on. Again its like why him if that is the case and not anyone else. Why him why can’t i just feel that way about whatever random person that comes along that talks to me or tries? But again I think because we have gotten to know eachother outside of anything more than friends. Bff brought him up the other day and was talking about him. I said something about he been okay but not great and us talking. She said I think from everyone around and everyone who knows him and has known him you know him better than anyone. She said I think he opens up to you more than anyone you really are that one person that even though he fucked up is stilk there and not caused him problems, not started shit with him, not pulling him into stiff that he shouldn’t be in and tries to help him stay right and cares. She said I think he does care but he is scared and still dealing with a lot. Like I told her he is dealing with a lot amd he is scared and he has gotten away from a lot of problems and the people who causes them or helps him get into them. But a few keep popping in and he don’t need that. He needs to deal with his stuff like he has been and keep moving foward. Regardless of what is or isn’t between us we are friends and I would rather stay friends than have more and have something happen til we don’t talk at all. But I would consider more with him.

{February 6, 2017}   Excellence in Academics

My oldest had her award ceremony thing tonight, she got an award for Excellence in Academics. They called the representative from each school up and they talked about each student and then the guy from the scholarship gave them their metal. Most schools had two kids hers just had one this year. Before they did the kids they had each one come up with the teacher and the family they picked for the award they were giving out for that. The teacher at their school got one she got a key chain, they didn’t have a family I was surprised they didn’t have the one girls grandma that we are all friends with she is always helping out and doing things for the school. Not sure if they knew they were doing it or having it or maybe she didn’t want to look like she was picking one of us over the others but I wouldn’t have felt that way at all. There is her or the parent that teaches life skills. I think either one should have gotten it over me or the other few parents that do show up. Some schools did two parents they both could have gotten it.

They said there were 1700 schools that take the scholarship in the state with almost 100,000 kids who get it, they said that the kids that were there tonight were picked out of the 650 kids who were nominated for the awards. It was interesting the way they do it I thought it would have been put together and done a little better than what it was but it was still fun and nice.

{January 17, 2017}   Okay Last Post from Me Today

But I had to tell everyone how proud I am of my oldest, she is going to be 13 at the end of the months. She is the one I told you all about in my other post who got honor roll and who is ahead in her work at school. Today I go to pick them up and I am sitting in the truck and they come out and head to the truck to get in. Hot on their heals is the teacher. There was a car behind me but I figured she was coming to mine. The kids got in talking about the new kid and how he was being his wonderful self again. I asked them what they had done or what had happen why the teacher was coming to talk to me? They didn’t answer just went on chattering about the day.

She comes up and told me my oldest had done it now so much so that she was nominated for an award. I thought she was joking I am thinking she did something to the new kid because something happen and the class thought it was great because of the way he is. So I am waiting to hear what happen and what she did. Then she tells me that she was nominated for student of the year by the principle of the school for the Step Up for Students Scholarship that pays for her to go to school there. There is going to be a big dinner for her and her family to go to and a award ceremony and that is when we find out if she wins. It is next month sometimes. I am hoping it is after I get my money so that I can buy her a nice outfit to wear and things. She has nice outfits but she has outgrown a lot and I need to get the boys and myself something to wear as well.

She deserving of it and I hope she gets it, but she is just excited to be nominated right now. She works hard and pushes herself to get ahead and do better.

This has sparked my other ones interest as well and he wants to be student of the year or nominated for it. I told him then he needs to do his work and not be slacking to get on track and then work ahead or to his level and do good at least to get nominated. He didn’t like that but it is true it took a lot of work to get where she is and to even get nominated if he don’t want to put the work in then he don’t deserve it and isn’t going to get it or nominated for it. It’s life and you get out of it what you are willing to put in better for him to learn that now. Might be hard lesson he don’t want to learn but the sooner the better. I have told them this and tried to show them but maybe its more of the real world exposure is what he needs to kick him in the butt and get him moving.

{January 16, 2017}   Have to Brag

I have to brag on my older two for just a minute, they got their report cards Friday and they both made honor roll. I am not sure if I said this in another post or not but wanted to make sure I put it out there. I am very proud of them both. I had no doubt my oldest would get it because all she does is school work. She has 43 books out of 60 that she needs done for the year when she got out for winter break in December. She in the last week of school that they have been back has already finished all but the check ups and self test for 4 more. She can work past the self test at home but has to let the teacher check the work and then do the self test at school. Once the work is checked and good and she passes the self test with a high enough score then she can take the test for the over all book. If she gets high enough on that then she moves on to the next book. so by the end of the week she should have all new books in each subject. She loves that she can work at her own pace and finish as quick as she wants to.

My Big Boy on the other hand does not push himself as she does and slides by with getting just enough done. The grades are there he does great work it is just getting enough done in the 9 weeks to make honor roll. last 9 weeks he didn’t do it. I told him this 9 there was no reason not to that I expected it. It isn’t a lot of work and he is more than capable of doing it without pushing himself like my oldest. If he just sets his goals and does his work he should be able to get it done. I think he is already well on his way to have honor roll this 9 weeks as well. They both brought new books home over winter break to work on. I told him he should bring them home and at the end of break work on them so to get ahead if he didn’t want to have to work so hard in class. He really isn’t but he feels like it sometimes. He didn’t think he made honor roll last 9 weeks so when he got his report card Friday he was thrilled. The fact that he is ahead some and so thrilled about making it last 9 weeks makes him want to push and get it next time too. I see him working harder and he has started bring his work home to work on it and make corrections if he needs to so he can finish the books faster. He will tell me I brought my books home today I have to correct this and that and then I can test out. I have so many books done and I think I will get new ones by such and such time. I just hope this excitement stays with him because he is a little behind and he could be caught up soon if he keeps it up.

I am not sure where my Little Guy is as he did not bring home a report card. I am going to have to ask his teacher tomorrow where his is. Maybe I was supposed to pick it up at conference but she never said we needed one or gave us a day or time she was having them. I see her every day and we talk about how he is doing and things so I didn’t think we needed one. He had all good marks last time as well so I am not really worried about it.

et cetera
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