{December 26, 2019}   2nd Best

I am so over the bitch and the shit she is saying and doing. she has decided to come out of her room and trying to take over the house now. Things are going to get really ugly and nasty really quick here soon. I am just biting my tongue and trying to decide what to do and how I am going to do it.

Last night I was standing there and Mr.9 came up and hugged me and was talking about his gift and Christmas and being so excited. He said he loved me and I was the best mommy ever. I was number one or something like that. He said a few things about how good of  mom I was how much he loved me and things. It was the best day ever I got them the things they really wanted.

The bitch happen to be out of her hole and sitting there. She says really Mr.9, knock it off now. He said some more and she said you need to stop now. No she isn’t if she was any kind of mom she would this or that. He said something about working hard for us and things. She said she needs some work alright. She far from the best or good and other stuff. Mr.9 had this look and didn’t know what to say. He said maybe 2nd best mommy then. She said that’s better but I wouldn’t say that either. He said something gave me a hug, I told him he didn’t do anything wrong I loved him. He walked away looking so confused and upset.

Who the hell says something like that to a kid. I don’t care if they are the worst of the worst of parents. You don’t say that kind of thing to a kid. As bad as Father of The Year is and R.C not being in the picture I don’t say things like that to my kids about them when they say things about their dads. Little Bitty says things about her dad and how he is and she loves him and wants to meet him and all that. I don’t say he is scum, he didn’t do this or don’t do that. I tell her I want her to meet him and want them to have a relationship. Hopefully that will turn out to be a good one. If not then she will make her mind up how she feels about him and what he is like and things. Just like the older three have from seeing what their dad has done.

I told oldest it is sad that you want someone out of your life so bad that you don’t care how it has to happen. that you don’t care what happens to them and would’t care if they dropped dead tomorrow. but that is how she has made me feel. it isn’t all from the last few years it is all my life the way she has been and done me.

My friend that I have been talking to said it sound like she is trying to turn your kids against you. I said I am sure, she can’t stand it. She hates that my kids are so close to me and that they care so much. She hated my relationship with me dad and has made comments about it so many many times. We have never been close and never will be. My sister has next to nothing to do with her and my brother don’t either. She just can’t stand it. She don’t like that me and my sister talk and tries to start shit between us when she finds out. I would hate to be so miserable in life that she is that I would have to do things like that and be that way.

{August 26, 2019}   The Daily Four

Over on a Guy Called Bloke’s blog he has started a post he calls the Question Fun Directory or the Daily Four. I have decided to answer today’s questions. So here goes.

What was the worst thing you did as a child?

Growing up, what was your ideal dream job and did you bring that to a reality at all?

What were the things you both liked and hated about your schooling?

Where there is a will, there is a way! Do you agree?


What was the worst thing you did as a child?

It was my birthday I think maybe 6 or 7th. I don’t know I was young so I am surprised I remember it. But my mom and dad was there and they threw a party for me. We were at our house and there was a bunch of kids there. There were two boys around my age and a little older. They were my moms good friends kids and she use to babysit them for her. They had spent the night or weekend with us why their mom was working or away. So they had some things there other than just being there for the party.

Well one had his skateboard with him and we were out in the street in front of the house playing with it. I was laying on it pushing around with my hands and things. He decided he wanted it back. I wasn’t done playing and he kind of dumped me off in the street.

We end up standing in the middle of the street with the skateboard upside down. He had one set of wheels and I was holding it by the other set. We were pulling it back and forth fighting over who got it and trying to get it away from each other. I got it away from him and held it up and hit him on the head with it.

I think I still remember this to this day at 38 years old because it was a birthday party for me, I don’t remember having to many parties with friends. My birthday is the day after Christmas. I also do not remember my mom and dad being together and doing anything or my dad living with us ever even though they didn’t get divorced until a few years later. And my dad spanked me for hitting hi in the head and sent me to my room. It was my birthday party so everyone was having fun I was in my room with a spanking. It is the only time I ever remember my dad spanking me and that was probably worse to me than the spanking it’s self, or missing part of the party or anything else. Because My dad just never spanked me or got onto me for things. I was close to my dad and I wasn’t a kid who got in trouble often and he just talk to me or say something about what I did and we would go on.

Growing up, what was your ideal dream job and did you bring that to a reality at all?

I have wanted to be a counselor and work with teens or teen parents, addiction things like that. While I haven’t yet I have started schooling for it and hope to get started back next year and finish.

What were the things you both liked and hated about your schooling?

I didn’t like school very much at all. I felt that we shouldn’t have to take math, science, history and all that in high school. I felt we should be taking classes geared toward the careers that we wanted to go into. I still feel that by jr high/ high school we should be teaching our kids or have them in classes working on the path they are wanting to go into. I think at this point the other classes are a waste. I feel the same with with college we shouldn’t have to take math, science and all that then either to get a degree. But anyway that is why I hated school.

The only thing I really liked about school was it got me away from my house and a chance to see my friends. I wasn’t aloud to do a lot when I was younger and didn’t like having people over to my house because I didn’t want them around my mom and things the way she was.

Where there is a will, there is a way! Do you agree?

I 100% agree with this so many people make excuses because they don’t want to put in the work to get to where they want to be or have what they want. If it isn’t quick and easy they give up.

{August 12, 2019}   TMI Alert

It’s that time of the month two days early and two days in on top of everything else. As if I wasn’t already feeling bad enough the hormones and everything that comes with it don’t help. I want to cry and run away, have a melt down all at the same time. I feel like I just want to take a hot shower and just stay in it forever.

I dread being at home right now, the kids are mad at me. Oldest over school, Little Bitty over not being there. Now school started today and I will get to see them even less than I was and how much is less than when I see them next to never as it is.

Lately I find myself trying to figure out what to do about work more and more everyday. I love both of my jobs and have to have both of them to get by. There is nothing else around that pays close to what I am making at the 2nd job. I can’t get a job that is as flexible as the two are.

I was thinking this morning if I could find another job working a few hours a day making what I do at my other job maybe I could do a normal 8 to 10 hour day between the two and make what I am now. If I could get on full time at my 2nd job and get them to pay me what I am looking or need to make a week to do full time down there.

I think the main thing is all the shit at home I am dealing with. The bitch is still there and worse than ever. I don’t know what to do anymore. She just needs to go things are just getting worse and worse and I don’t know what to do. The kids are not happy no one is happy.

Just feel stuck in this horrible situation. I don’t even know how I feel anymore or what to feel. Other than hating life wanting to not be here.

{September 27, 2018}   Re: My Friend Hates Me

Yesterday I told you all about Little Bitty telling me Her friend hates her well today I walked her to class as always. But today I had a little talk with the teacher. I had Little Bitty tell her who it was and what he was saying.

The teacher was horrified. She said she had noticed the change in her and was trying to figure out why. She said they do not sit by each other so she needed to figure out when it was happening. She said she would be looking into it and put a stop to it.

The way things are set up you can’t go to the class rooms at the end of the day without checking in at the office. So I wated on her to come out and asked her how things went today.

Little Bitty said the teacher took her and the little boy to the office. She wanted her to tell them all that was said and what happen. She said they told her that if him or anyone did this again to stop and go right to the teacher or someone and tell them. They told the little boy he could not say these things to other people and do what he did. She don’t know if he got in any trouble or just talked to. Its all new for her and she is so little. She said he didn’t say anything and left her alone today. She was okay with how it was all handled. I am going to talk to the teacher tomorrow and see what she found our and how it was handled. She did make the comment that she could not change her learning center because those were the kids that were on the same level. This is when this is taking place come to find out. I got news for this teacher, if this kid starts back in on my kid someone is being moved and she will have to figure out how to do things from there.

I am glad they are doing something and not brushing it under the rug. I was shocked when she said he was taken to the office. I figured the teacher would handle it in class and if it happen anymore then maybe office. But I am glad they feel it was important enough to handle this way. May this will show the kid how not okay this is and that he could get in lots of trouble.

{September 26, 2018}   My Friend Hates Me


So the first week or so of school Little Bitty loved to go and would race into class to be with her friends. After that she takes forever to get to class wants to stay home and just slow about going into class when we get there. I have asked and ask why the change what was wrong and she says nothing.

Today she came out and we started to walk home and she stopped after a few steps and says my friend is mean to me. He tells me he hates me and he wants to kill me. He is just breaking my heart all the time I try to be nice to him. But he just keeps breaking my heart.

I couldn’t of heard that right ask again she says the samething. I ask if she told her teacher she said no she was waiting for her other friends to tell her. That now he is saying mean things to the other kids and he can’t to that and he is going to break their hearts and that isn’t nice. She says he has been saying this stuff to her everyday. This makes since to me now because around the 2nd week of school the teacher moved her seat because of her hearing. This is when she stop being so exited about going. But why did she wait this long to tell me and only once he started with the other kids and she don’t want him to break their hearts like he has hers.

Her teacher was not there today so I told her we would be having a talk with her in the morning. If she is not there we will be going to the office.

I feel so bad she waited all this time to tell me. Why was it okay when he was doing it to her but now he is others so she tells.

{August 7, 2018}   Back to Pizza’s

The lady from the pizza place messaged and ask if my truck was fixed if I wanted to work. I really really do not but I need to make some extra money here fast some how. I work Thursday and Friday. Not looking forward to it but its better than nothing I guess.

God I have to find a new job so I do not have to do this for long.

{August 6, 2018}   Ready To Cry

Just got home from work about an hour ago and have done nothing but fight and listen to bitching. Over a bunch of shit that is nothing but her fucking problems. I am so done with my mother being here I am ready to risk being homeless just to get rid of her. I know your not supposed to hate people but i do. I cant stand her, I can’t stand her presents seeing her, talking to her or her being in the same house muchless same room.

She swears she has some mite things in her bed she got from the dog. That the dog was losing its hair when she came here and now they are in her room. It has been almost a year she has been here. The dog would be eaten a live if that was the case because I have never treated them. They would have no hair and everyone would have them biting them. No one does but her. She has been to my sisters and stayed and a friend of hers to stay a while. Both with dogs and one with questionable people staying with them who could have who knows what. No one has seen them but her as well. Yes she has something broke out on her face but I have no idea what it is. No one else has a problem but her.

It make since because she never comes out of her room other than to go to the bathroom, get something from the fridge or put something in the trash or bitch. She refuses to touch the dogs if they are out, the dogs are never in her room or bed ever and no one is ever in there other than oldest when she goes in to go to bed in her bed. They have bunk beds so how she has something in her bed and oldest don’t beats the hell out of me as well. Oldest has no bites no where but she swears she see’s her scratching all night. She says she got them from the washer and drier because the dogs blankets were washed in them. But the dogs have nothing. She swears the drier is broken it not getting hot. And has been for months. It started not working right the other day and is not drying. But now she swears its been that way all along. I just gotten it and it was scolding hot when clothes were taken out. I figure she has done something to it or its gotten lent backed up needs cleaned out. She has been demanding for months I buy a new drier because it isn’t hot enough to kill whatever this made up whatever is when she washes her blankets and sheets.

Friends and others have heard her raising hell when they have been on the phone and stopped by. They all say she has problems and that she needs something. Every doctor she has been to has put in her chart she needs meds for her mental state but she refuses to take them or go see the right person about it. She has nothing wrong with her of course. But then tell you she knows she does but why it is everyone else fault she dont need anything just whatever. But she has been this way all my life everyone can tell you. Even my sisters dad said it is why he left the way she is and does and wont get help. My dad say same thing.

I know I have things I need meds for and I need talk to people about. But even they have said mine is situational if I can get settled where we are not struggling all the time and dealing with the bs from her. I would be okay and function a lot better. I wouldn’t need medication all the time. When things are going good I am great 98% of the time even when things go wrong or something happens. I handle it and keep rolling. Once in awhile I hit a patch a deal with the depression or anxiety but pull myself out pretty quickly and easily. But that right now I have so much to take care of worry about and handle and everything keeps happening we keep just hanging on by a thread that it is no wonder I am the way I am right now.

That is not what they say about her at all. It is not that kind of thing. She is impossible to live with. I am stuck and can not get her out. I do not have the money to file if I go to the owners for help i am going to have to move. I have no money to move on. And she knows all this thinks its funny sits and says she isn’t going no where don’t have to and won’t until she is ready. All the while bitching how bad it is here how horrible i am how dirty it is and on and on. I am so done and over it with her. She keeps talking about all her “health” problems and she could die blah, blah, bullshit its my fault too of course. I just think your not fast enough and okay your point who is supposed to care? What do you want me to say, do, think or feel? Because I don’t. I know I know you all probably think I am the worse person in the world to think or write such a thing. But if you read my blog long enough you know I don’t say that kind of thing about people and that I am the first to help in just about anyway I can whoever it is if I can. But her like father of the year have pushed me to that point that whatever happens to them couldn’t happen fast enough and I wouldn’t think twice about it. They do not care how they made me or my kids feel or how they treated us. I can not waste time caring about them.

I feel so aggervated and hopeless right now that I don’t even want to be here and deal with anything anymore. If she not leaving something happening to get her out of our lives once and for all then let it me so I can be done with her and everything else once and for all.

I think I may have upset Sleeping Beauty today. I haven’t heard from him but once and he never answered my question. When I was writing my other post and talking about his ex and how she always wants something. I wondered if he had put two and two together? She has his stuff but will not give it back. One minute it is you can have it but you have to bring an officer with you. To get it blah blah bullshit. Then when she being all nice its you can get it. But then he has had no where to take it or she has some reason she can’t meet after saying she will.

Thinking about it all I decided to message him. I said hey I have a question? He said whats up? About half hour later.

I said what does she want or need from you?

After that I said…Think about it. Since i have known you anytime you tell me she is around it turns into her wanting something or needing something. You to fix her car, you to get her a new car or sighn for a new car. As soon as she gets it she gone or as soon as things don’t go her way she calling the police mad and gone. dont remeber the other time something to do with the car i think. But you ask for nothing but your things back and she refuses and has a fit. You say why she keep your stuff? Why won’t she just give it back? Because it gives her something over you and a reason to come around. Hold your stuff out there then say i said you could get it you didn’t. You say every time you try to talk to her say what you want she starts a fight and runs. Its all planed she knows what she is doing. It is all a game to her to keep you around in case she needs something.

This make it look like your fault you started a fight you always start a fight this is why she dont stay around or give your stuff back. When its her all along.

I have not heard a word back from him at all. Later this evening when things slowed down I messaged and ask what he was doing. Still nothing. I wasn’t trying to upset him or make him mad but I also thought about him talking about people only around when they want something from him. Again is he not seeing that? I figure its all making him really think even if he is mad at me for pointing it out or saying it. I may try to message him tomorrow if I don’t hear from him or I may wait.

I have ask for help but have always offered to pay him other than when he was staying here. I was a little surprised he offered to help with the truck over the weekend. But I think he is seeing, I am really not in it just for what I can get or what he can do for me. He see’s I am there for him regardless and that I do care about him when it comes down to it. So even if he did get mad or upset I don’t think it will last or truely at me when it comes down to it. He is more going to be hurt by her what she is doing.

I have to go to the feed store right by where he works tomorrow I may see him then just talk a minute nothing big just see how he is doing where he is. I worry about him more after that conversation we had last weekend or weekend before this last one I guess It was. I tell him all the time that I worry about him and I am here anytime he needs to talk. I have ask him if or what I can do to help him and things. He just says nothing.


{May 12, 2018}   Sadly a Common Theme

Wednesday I went to my friends shop in hopes of getting my hair colored. She was busy. I sat there a while and talked to her and her customer’s and my bff called and wanted to go to lunch. Since she still had a bunch of people I told her I come back later or today.  After lunch I decided to go back over and see how things were. She was having lunch and had people waiting still. I sat down in her other chair and we were all laughing and carrying on.

She got the three out pretty quickly and was down to the last guy. We really started joking around and stuff she knew him pretty well. In a minute the door open and a guy with two little boys walked in. My friend went over and was talking to them and hugging them. She said they were her grandsons and her son. They sat down and she went to finish the guy she was working on.

She finished and he paid her and left. As he was walking out the door we were saying bye I turned to look behind me said bye. Her son’s like oh your not with him? I thought you were together or you were with him or something. His mom said no that’s my friend she’s just been hanging out with me today. We sat and talked and things for a while. My kids came across from school and was waiting for me and the boys were playing.

He said these are all yours? I said yeah I have one more. He said something about having three but the baby being home.

In a little bit we were in her back room area she has set up with her little grandson we were talking. She was telling me they live right here not far from here she not seen them in 2 years. I guess the wife has issues with her or something, i don’t know. Earlier when we were talking he was saying how he was the one that takes them to doctor’s, teaches them and does what they need and something about their mom. He said I guess I’m stuck with her now I got three kids with her. My friend said she messaged him did he get it? He said no she was probably on some blocked list or something and was looking in his settings and things.

I was back there talking to her he came in was joking around and things. I said something about having to get out of there and get the little one and he said wait you have another one? Guess he didn’t hear me earlier. I said yeah 4. He said dang girl you need slow down. I laughed said I was more than done wasn’t having no more. He said how old are you anyway? I looked at him he said oh you don’t want to answer that laughing. Said something about his mom, they had been laughing about how old she was and him and birthdays.

I honestly had to stop and think about it for a minute we been tossing around so many numbers and things. I said no it don’t bother me tell anyone how old I am. I said I had think about it a second but I just turned 37 in December. He said dang mom I was going to say your friends are looking awful young compared to you. She said she is young a lot yunger compared to me. I think she 48/49.

We talked a little more a customer came in. I tolder I really had to go but maybe I stop in today if she wasn’t busy she could do my hair so I didn’t look like a gray haired troll anymore. He came up said what did you say? I told him, he was saying you should do it this or that color and things. Something was said about guys and kids, I said I told you I am done. He said yeah just friends is the best way to go and friend’s with benifits. My mom said something. She was like what don’t say that you could find someone decent and something. He said hush mom I’ll take your much younger 37 year old friend here for a night out on the town. I was looking at her with my back to him. I just looked at her stunded and had no idea how she was going to respond. I just said yeah right or your funny and laughed she said something. I went to go out the door he said have fun tonight. Well not to much, don’t go popping out no more kids.

He isn’t even 30, not until July. I had already been thinking your to young kid and you have a girlfriend, wife or whatever she is at home when he first started flurting. Because he been saying things here and there since the guy left and he figured out I wasn’t with him. When he said what he did about me not being with him and stuff when I said bye and didn’t leave with him, you could tell he was surprised and been really thinking about it. He said what he did about going out, I was like got to go see you later, nice to meet you.

But on my way home it got me to thinking, maybe I shouldn’t just dismiss guys because they are younger. I am not having luck with older ones or ones my age. Not that I am interested in him. Like I said he’s nice and things, but he has someone and he is my friends son. That just seems like it be a little weird.

I text my bff and said maybe I should start talking to guys that are younger. I’m willing to date guys 7 or 8 years older, why discriminate against younger ones?

But really maybe I should consider it in the future. Not like in their 20 or something, but like maybe 35 or so and up. I always said no and then ended up with RC and honestly I was happiest with him than anyone ever I think. But then after everything that happen with him, I was like yeah this is why no more younger guys. And because to much younger they are wanting kids and to get married and things and I been there done that, done. But in their 30’s mid to late a lot probably have kids and been there done that as well. Some do have their shit together more than some in their 40’s or myself at times. I just don’t know there still just something about guys my age and younger I still just don’t know about.

So some how all that got me thinking about somethings yesterday, as I was driving to work and back since my anxiety was to bad to stay. I was thinking about past relationships and present people I have been talking to and possibly reconsidering younger guys.

I was just thinking about past relationships and guys I am talking to and also what my other friend said about the guys I date and finding better. I was thinking all the guys I have dated have been so different than eachother but it hasn’t worked out and what was common between them? It hit me, wow they all have a drug problem.

Father of the year has ended up on them. Truth be known he probably had one before and that is why his parents are the way they are with him. Who really knows. Then RC had one he hid and things ended up the way they did. Mr. Fling did them in the past, still does pot and talks about how he like to do this or that just one more time. I didn’t know he was into them like that. Another reason I haven’t been back in contact with him. Thinkig about it now more my “friend” I have had all these years has a habit that’s more than just pot. I think his gets a little out of hand sometimes. Then there is Starfish who does what he does. He is the only one out of all of them who say’s they want to get away from it and he is the only one into both sides of it.

I think of how many friends and family that are on it and ones who have lost everything because of it. I stay away from because I don’t want to be involved with it. But then end up with guys like this and a boss that’s into it. But the said thing is you would never know if you just met them on the street. I never knew until I known them awhile and they got comfortable enough with me to tell me. Or things happened and I foundout other ways. Luckily RC was the only one I got close to and things ended the way they did. But now there is Starfish and the way things are going with him.

I think about others I know of who I am not close to who are on something. Some who have lost everything because of it. They are from all classes of life, from not having a lot all the way up to being able to have what they want and not worry. What is wrong with the world today? It seems like everyone is on something. I worry about my own kids as they are getting older and going to be adults out on their own. What will happen to them? Who are they going to find to be with then if I can’t find someone now who isn’t on something to be with?

Even if they are not on something now a lot of others I know were at some point and time and pretty bad for a long time before getting clean. Like my good friend and my friend J and her husband. But all three have done really good for 10 or more years now and living normal lives. All or most the others I know who do things live normal lives really. Like I said you never lnow and if someone told you, you probably would not believe them. They are not like others I know who spend their day trying to get it sick if they don’t and things. Most of them only use it now and then. But the fact is they do it at all, they are putting their self at risk of getting busted and in trouble every time they do it. At risk of losing their kids and everything else. And when maybe that one time that they do it and all of a sudden they can’t function and live “normal” lives and they are like so many who spend their day trying to get the next fix and neglecting their kids or if they have none them theirselves living on the street or what. Selling everything they own to get what they have to have.

I don’t want to be alone it sucks, but at the sametime, I am scared to talk to people or try to meet anyone because you have no idea who is doing something and who isn’t.


et cetera
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