{March 11, 2019}   Get Through The Week

If I get this job this Wednesday will be the last week I can go to Applebee’s with bff and whoever goes for a while because I will work until 10 or 11 and then have to drive home.

I will have Saturday and Sunday free now so Sunday won’t be a problem. But I may stop going and doing that as well. Depending how Wednesday and this Sunday go. I told bff tonight that as well.

I just need time to work on all that has happen this last 2 or 3 weeks and dealing with the bullshit from him. He don’t fully know how I feel about him but he knows I do. Like I told her as much as I do I can’t keep dealing with the text like I got this morning. Like I said no one could beat me up more than I have myself or will. But I don’t need it drilled in anymore from him either. I am trying to forget it all deal with my feelings and myself over it all and move on. I am okay with it just not how it happen and that he will not say why.

Like I told her I don’t want to run him off, I’m not saying he is there that is why I’m not coming kind of thing. I am not coming because I need space and time and with out all the bs. I need to deal with myself that is all. I don’t mind him around the kids like him around he is fun to hang out with and will help in a jam.

She just said get through the week see how things go. Then we will see. I don’t know what she is thinking. I told her not to say anything to him about it i just want to see how the week ends up on it’s own.

I was reading the post A Wife Is A Gift From God today it was talking about how women have been treated and still are treated. What the bible says about how men should treat women. I commented on it and then repied to the comment that was left on my reply. As I was writing my second reply this thought or voice in my head made me stop and think. I have been thinking about it since.

In my reply I was talking about how abusive my ex husband was and how I just let it happen. We would fight and argue but I never really stood up for myself. On top of that I begged him to change amd to treat me better and to have something to do with me. Long before I finally stood up for myself. I let the abuse get way out of hand and past a point it should of never gotten to, to start with.

I just finally one day snapped and laid it all on the line and that this is how it is going to be from now on and this is what is going to happen we are done for good there is no more us. I do not know what all I said how I put it but I blew it all came pouring out like an over turned cup of water.

When I did, I wasn’t really mad at him for say. I was much mader at myself than him for ever letting him get away with treating me the way he did and abusing me all that time. I was mad at myself for not standing up for myself, not putting a stop to it as soon as it started, for letting the things that happen to me happen. I couldn’t blame him people treat you how you let them treat you and I let him treat me horribly. I told him it was okay to treat me that way because I didn’t put a stop to it and demand he treat me better. Sure we would fight and things about it screaming fights, but I never said you are not treating me this way anymore do not do z, y, z anymore. I ask why he treated me the way he did I be mad he treated me the way he did and tell him he needed to treat me better, even beg him to treat me right. But did not tell him he couldn’t treat me that way.

It took a lot for me to work through all that and forgive myself for allowing all that happen to happen. Honestly, I think that I did work on things and myself the last 5 years. But I think I worked on myself and forgiving myslef and worked through the being mad at myself. But not on the hurt and issues I have from the abuse. I forgave myself, but I don’t think I have ever worked healing the damage caused by the abuse or forgiving him for it even though he isn’t sorry and could careless how he treated me. I think I just stuffed it down until it was forgotten about.

That explains why I am having such a hard time believing guys I talk to, getting close to them and everything feels so fresh and scary when I think about trying to. I guess too I tried dealing with it in the way of just detach and keep your feelings out of it but I can’t. Because I do want more but when it seems like it could be I am all for it until it starts to really get real and then I start to freak out and back off.

I am going to have to do some work and figure somethings out. I wish I was still going to therapy this is the kind of thing I would like to talk to her about but even when i do I do not feel like I get anywhere. I really need someone new. I may see if I can find somewhere else to go see someone when I get my insurance back.

I wonder if a guy would be better to talk to. Most I feel are older and odd or if they are two close in age as me it seems it would be awkward. I do not know I have never tried seeing a guy therapist. Would it be odd to look up one of the professors from school and see if I could get in to talk to him? He subbed for our class two days while ours was out because his dad passed. But he lead a group in classes and i liked the way he did things and found him easy to talk to. I was going to see about taking a few of his classes when or if I go back but I would just take them with the other teacher if I started to see him. Would it be odd or not good to do? I think it would be okay since we don’t really have a true student teacher relationship or know eachother more than the 2 one hour classes he filled in for. I will have to check into it maybe go talk to him and see if he agree’s to see me. How he feels about it.

{July 12, 2018}   So True

et cetera
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