{February 27, 2020}   Look What I Got

Today I went to pick up Jw after I got the kids to school and ran to the store to get things they needed before I went to work. I got there the door was closed still. Normally by then he is up and ready when I am running that late or just about ready. He has let the dog out if I am early and laying down for a little bit before he has to get ready. When he gets up to let the dog out he leaves the door unlocked because he knows I will be there in a little bit. I thought it was odd when I pulled up it wasn’t open. I knocked on the door the dog started barking. In a minute or two here he come and open the door. I could tell he had just woke up.

He said he had forgot to reset his alarm after he changed it to get up yesterday. he said he was sleeping good when I got there. The dog hadn’t even gotten up to go out. I walked in the bedroom laid across the bed was watching the news waiting on him to get ready.

He walked over to put something in his backpack and he goes oh yeah I forgot about that. I had no idea what he was talking about and he lays this box on the bed. Before I could say anything he laid another one down just smiled. I got up and open the one box and it was a pair of heart earrings.

This was in the other one with a pair of earrings.

He said I never seen you wear a necklace or earrings, I thought you would like these. If not you have two girls, they could wear them. I love them. Not sure if I will wear the earrings but I put the necklace on and wearing it now.

After I open them and looked at them I got up off the bed and gave him a kiss and hug and told him thank you. He put his arm around me kissed me, smiled and said no it wasn’t an engagement ring. I said I did not think that was what it was at all. He laughed. I was a little confused didn’t know what to think when he laid the first one down there and was even more confused when he laid the second one out there. But I didn’t think it was a engagement ring. If it had been I would have had a huge problem with that for so many reasons.

{September 26, 2018}   My Friend Hates Me


So the first week or so of school Little Bitty loved to go and would race into class to be with her friends. After that she takes forever to get to class wants to stay home and just slow about going into class when we get there. I have asked and ask why the change what was wrong and she says nothing.

Today she came out and we started to walk home and she stopped after a few steps and says my friend is mean to me. He tells me he hates me and he wants to kill me. He is just breaking my heart all the time I try to be nice to him. But he just keeps breaking my heart.

I couldn’t of heard that right ask again she says the samething. I ask if she told her teacher she said no she was waiting for her other friends to tell her. That now he is saying mean things to the other kids and he can’t to that and he is going to break their hearts and that isn’t nice. She says he has been saying this stuff to her everyday. This makes since to me now because around the 2nd week of school the teacher moved her seat because of her hearing. This is when she stop being so exited about going. But why did she wait this long to tell me and only once he started with the other kids and she don’t want him to break their hearts like he has hers.

Her teacher was not there today so I told her we would be having a talk with her in the morning. If she is not there we will be going to the office.

I feel so bad she waited all this time to tell me. Why was it okay when he was doing it to her but now he is others so she tells.

{September 9, 2018}   Marry A Man Who……

Love this had to share.

{June 8, 2018}   Heart Test Day

You know a few weeks ago when the kid had his accident I took Little Bitty to the doctor because she was sick. And they said they heard something’s with her heart.

I am picking her up from daycare now to take her for her test. I am worried but not as much as I expected to be. I am in one of those lets just get it done and do what we need to do to take care of it. Than worried, I don’t know if it is a good thing or bad thing.

As if today wasn’t bad enough, Little Bitty was home sick today. I took her to the doctor after I picked the kids up from school. Its quicker in and out and incase my friend and boss needed anythinng today with everything going on.

They got us right back and the doctor came in. She checked her out said her heart was racing and sounded funny. She said gurgly and spastic. She had infection trying to start in one ear but her lungs were clear. She wanted her tested for strep, flue and fluid in her ears. She went to go out.

I told her she been in the truck an hour sleeping just walked in and sat down. Her heart should not be racing. I ask her should I be watching her for anything or what. She said she was going to go look at her record to see what has been done with the heart so far. I said nothing at all she has never had problems. She said okay that answers that, I’m order an ekg and an echo of her heart and see what is going on.

That makes me worry that her heart was racing when she’d not been doing anything. I thought later, I noticed a few times when she has been sitting on my lap or laying snuggled up to me saying her heart seemed like it was beating fast. I just figured she been running around playing before. But for me to just notice is odd its not something I ever notice or think about.

It also makes me worry that it was bad enough the doctor thought it was an on going thing they been doing something for or watching.

I left thinking great now we have wait months for a time with the specialist then be sent for test all that. Because she always sends out for something like that and lets them do testing they want. Then I thought she never said anything about a specilest. Just I want this and this done I am going to give you and order take her get it done. Now I am wondering if she was thinking same it take months to get into one so she wants to get test done see what is wrong not let her wait that long. If it shows something she can call get her in right away. But not without test most times. Praying we can get them done really soon get some answers.

She has the green line across the bridge of her nose between her eyes just like her brother. I read some where kids with that are more likly to have heart problems. I asked the doctor she said they say that we would keep an eye out but that she was fine then. She did not hear anything. That was about a year ago I think. Her sister also has heart problems, I am not sure what, I just thought of that.

Now I am worried about that. Do not know what to think. Just pray

{February 28, 2017}   Just Had To Share


Still do everyday.

{January 2, 2015}   Not Feeling Good

As you all know from past post such as (Depression Has Come To Stay) I have dealt with depression for about half my life from the time I was about 14 years old. Sometimes it is way worse than others. Most the time I can keep it at bay enough that I can live and function and feel pretty good. If I stay a way from triggers. My biggest trigger is feeling trapped in a situation and not having the help from the people who are around who should be shouldering some of the weight and doing their part.

Like all this with father of the year has really been setting it off the last few months I keep pushing and fighting against it telling myself it is only for a couple more months. But it is getting harder and harder to keep living like this when I can’t do anything right now to work on getting out of it. I have to wait until I get money in a few months and do it all at once time. I feel like I am not doing anything to get myself out of it. I think about not being able to do anything get help going after RC until I get this here taken care of and everything it just makes it worse.

Now with all the news and things the last few days I don’t know how long I can keep it at bay. I am sitting on the couch writing this and haven’t been here very long. I had to make myself get out of bed and come out here with the kids. Everything seems to be grating on my nerves. My back and things have been really bothering me I have just felt tired the last few weeks but the last few days I have been feeling so fatigued my whole body feels so heavy when I move. I feel like I am carrying around a load of blocks. I’m always burning up and hot my air has never sat at 76. Most the time it is around 79/80 and higher. My heart hurts my a lot today. I feel the squeezing tightness around it like it is being mashed. In turn makes my head hurt and feel even more tired than I already do. I already just wanted to roll over and go back to sleep when I open my eyes and it was a fight to keep them open.

I have so much I need to get done I need to go to the meat market and the store for something I don’t even remember what now. I was just talking to the kids about it today. oh well. I guess when I think of it I will do it if I can or feel like it.

It different just talking to everyone now because they all want to know how I am doing if I’m ok and waiting for some major reaction or something I don’t know. They know I am so very close to my dad and that this is going to be hard. My mom keeps calling me and telling me I can come over, my friend keeps texting me and asking how I am doing. Father of the years keeps making comments and saying he is sorry and things. He trying to get “close” like I am going to change my mind about him or something. He keeps calling me Hun and act like he was going to hug me last night. I just went to bed. He just don’t get it.

He did at least talk to them at work today so he says. I am still not sure if he did. But he text me this morning when he was there and was talking to me. said he was waiting to talk to them then. He asked me if I had ask him to fight it. I told him he isn’t treatable what is he going to fight? I also told him that he knows this isn’t going to be easy for me and that I am dealing with a lot and it is going to be worse when something happens. That if he don’t talk to them at work or it becomes a problem when something happens that I am going to have a lot to say to everyone. I’m not going to put up with no bs game they try to play. So he better handle it up front.

He said he did they said to just keep them updated how things were going and things. That it wouldn’t be a problem taking time off when he needed to and things. We will see.

{November 26, 2012}   No Party For Me Today

Saturday was my mom’s 50th birthday so my sister decided to throw her a small surprise party at her house yesterday. She had asked me if ex would go pick up my grandma and grandpa as their truck needs something done to it and my grandpa hadn’t fixed it yet. He said sure he didn’t mind. Today we were all sitting here getting ready and I asked him to let the baby and my big girl ride with him. He said that would be fine. I knew the baby would want to go no matter what he always wants to go with daddy. My girl she is hit and miss but I wanted to stop at the store and didn’t want to deal with her at the store. She had just gotten in trouble for about the 100th time over some thing she had been told to put a way and wait on. I wasn’t taking her and letting her get what she wanted and I wasn’t going through the why she couldn’t take her money and get it since we were going. So I just told her to ride with him. My big boy doesn’t want to go most the time. He had wanted to get my mom something for her birthday so I was going to let him get her a little something.

We left not long after them and went around the corner from the house to the store. We walked around and looked for a few minutes. Then he picked out a nut cracker. We looked some more as I tried to get him to get something else. He was set she needed a nut cracker so I said ok. We were at the back of the store he was looking at little bags, I started to feel sick my head kind of hurt I just didn’t feel right all of a sudden. I told him to hurry let’s go home. I figured I would come home for a bit get a drink and then head to my sisters if I still didn’t feel good call ex to pick us up when he got back since we had plan to meet over there.

I made it to the front of the store and I got to where I couldn’t hear and everyone was spinning and going black. I just seen a woman I knew go by me. I turned and grabbed her cart and was trying to tell her I was sick a needed to sit down. She was trying to get someone else who worked there I just sat right there in the middle of the floor. I couldn’t see or hear my ears popped I felt like someone dropped me down a dark hole and I was falling blind to the bottom. I could faintly hear stuff around me and things but didn’t know what they were saying and stuff. In a minute or so I was alright. I still couldn’t hear right but I could see. I was still dizzy and light-headed. They had brought a chair over. I sat on that. My friend was asking if I wanted her to call my mom or who. My mom lives almost 50 miles a way. Some how we ended up with her on the phone anyway. I hung up and called a few people right next to me I know but they weren’t home. I had to call my friend ARH again. The one who always helps me. I heard her talking to someone she said she would be there in a few minutes. Her and her husband showed up. They had just got in the truck to go to the store across the street from where I was at. They took me to the ER. I remember telling them I just want to go to sleep I just feel so sleepy and I don’t feel right I don’t know how to explain it but I don’t feel right.

She walked me in and got me signed in and everything. She asked me if I wanted her to take Elisha with her why she did her shopping. She was going to go run get what she had to get and take her two girls and husband home then come back and sit with me. Because we had no car or anything I had to leave my truck sitting at the store when I left. I told her to just drop him off at my sisters around the corner because everyone was still going there for the party and she had to pass it when she left the hospital to go back to the store and home. She kept saying she would be back. I told her not to run all the way back down there my mom was on her way up and that everyone was going to be a few blocks a way if I needed anything I would get one of them. I hate for her to run all the way up there and sit all night when she has her kids and husband at home she needs to be doing for. She does so much for me. We made a deal I would check in with her every so often as they did things and let her know what was going on. I remember trying to read the paper and fill it out and things for them and it seemed like it was taking me forever. I skipped stuff I couldn’t figure out like the day and time and different stuff. i finally handed back to her and said give this to them I don’t know all this. They got me straight back I was surprised. The doctor came in right a way trying to check me out they two nurses one was a nurse he was getting a gown I don’t know what they other was or what he was doing. I think he was getting oxygen and heart test set up or something. The doctor said you have to get in a gown I can’t check you like this. I was going to put it on they just stood there he stood there holding it. He said just get undressed put it on the best you can in the bed we don’t want you up and we can’t leave you. I got my shirt and things off they let me keep my pants. They hooked me to all the wires and test.

They came in right a way and said they needed to do blood and a IV. Most the time thy do it all out of on thing. Not tonight. I don’t know what all they were doing to me but the lab woman said well this is a great vain for a IV I’m going to let you have it and get blood over there somewhere. The other woman finished and they traded sides. This other guy come in sticking stuff all under my gown and hooking me to more wires and doing some test why they did that. The woman did the IV and she got some of the blood they needed why she started that. Then why she was doing that and he was doing whatever he was doing the other stuck me and in the arm and got more blood. They had to put the IV in the hand. Sometime in all the confusion right after I got there and got into a gown ex and my baby boy showed up. So he was there why they were doing all this. By the time the circus had left the room my mom and her husband showed up. Then in just a minute they came in and said they were talking me to ultrasound I would be back in 20 or 30 minutes. I told my mom just to take my baby boy and go to my sisters with her and the other kids. She knew they were having cake but she didn’t know anyone else was there. I didn’t want everyone to be sitting there waiting on her and her sitting there with me. I didn’t want to tell her she needed to go because everyone was there. She said ok and took him and went.

We got back there to do the u/s and she looked around a little and then asked if I can tell what the baby is do you want to know? I said I really don’t know. She said think about it and let me know and went on doing the test. Little while later she said ok I know what your baby is if you decide what you want to do. She did some more stuff she needed to do then asked me if I would like to see it. So she showed me the head and face I could see its arm and spine. She showed me the brain the heart and kidney’s. She said that’s the babies legs it’s got long legs. I told her go ahead and tell me what I was having. I pretty much knew I wanted to see if I was right. The kids really wanted to know too. Plus I have a ton of little boy clothes here that I needed to do something with. Go through and keep what I wanted and drag around just in case or just skipping going through and dragging them around and give a way. She said everything looks great with the baby. I was happy to hear that and finally see it. She said she couldn’t tell about downs like I have wondered about that was blood work and things.

They took me back to the room and a woman came in and said she needed to pull more blood. She said the doctor wanted a blood Gas I think she called it. Instead of taking blood from the vain they take it straight out of the artery because it showed different stuff. She stuck me up by the bend of my arm in the fatty area and it hurt so bad. Then I thought she was done. She had pulled it out and said she couldn’t get it. They can’t see them or feel them like vanes before they stick you. they have to stick you and dig for them. She then stuck me in the wrist and finally got one and got what they needed.

Then the doctor came in and said that he wanted to talk to the techs about how far along I was and doing a CT scan on me. Then goes on to tell me that when I came in my oxygen level was really low and dropping out and that when they did these other test where they checked my states laying sitting and standing that they were dropping to low when I was up and moving around. That they are worried I may have a blood clot or clots in my lungs. He said clots are very common to form in pregnant women and that the legs and lungs are the main places and that if you get them in the lungs it would cause problems like I had. He talked it over with the tech and they went over my U/S and decided that the risk of not doing it out weighed the risk of doing it with me pregnant. They talk to me and asked if I wanted to have it done or not. By this point they got me worried and scarred. I went ahead and said yes because there really no other way to tell. They took me back put the dye in and did that test.

After and hour or so they came in and said that the lungs were very clear and that the other test showed everything was ok. They were not sure why it happen they only other thing they could figure was that I was dehydrated. I always am pregnant or not they always tell me I am dehydrated. I was in L&D twice a week with my middle getting bags of fluids all day and was still dehydrated most the time. But they wanted me to go to L&D so they could listen to the baby heart rate and things before I left. I waited and hour for them to move me from down stairs up there and there was nothing going on or either floor. Then they had to take me up front discharge me from ER and have me admit myself just to go upstairs. Then I get up there and they keep me maybe 45 minutes if that and sent me home. Most that time was the time it took to get me in the room moved to their bed hooked up try to draw blood again and then tell me I could go home. They listen to the baby maybe 5 minutes. I refused the blood work they stuck me once couldn’t get the blood they just wanted labs to have on record nothing to do with why i had come in or to check on anything to do with why I came in. I said nope that is 6 times now I have been stuck for blood you didn’t get it I am hungry I told you all I hadn’t eaten since 11 am it is after 8:30 pm I haven’t been allowed to drink and now you are telling me I am dehydrated more and that makes it harder to get blood I refuse I am going home so that I can get something to eat and drink. The lab woman said I understand I would have refused them all together because they are worthless they don’t even want you to stay for results or call for them they just want them on file. It isn’t your doctor ordering them this doctor don’t need them and your doctor will want to do their own. The nurse didn’t like it but what can they do. I was starting to get sick from not eating and drinking and them pulling all these blood test. Enough is enough already. I was done being lab rat for the day. I think everyone in the lab on two shifts got to poke me.
Needless to say by the time I got to my sisters everyone had went home. But my babies and my neace all made me cards and colored me pictures. They gave me flowers and a balloon when I got home.

et cetera
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