He wanted his mom to come down for Christmas but didn’t think she would and wasn’t sure we would be able to get her a ticket. But he asked her if we did if she would come? At first she wasn’t sure. She was worried about the kids up there, how they would get to/from school and who would be home with them. She had to think about it.

To start with he ask his brother if him and his family wanted to come they all could of drove down together. They all live together. none of them would of had to get a room. his brother and family could of stayed in oldest room. She had a queen bed and we had twin mattresses we could of put in there for the kids. His mom could of stayed in Little Bitty’s room. The two girls could of slept in middle sons room. He had a full size bed and a twin bed. girls could of shared the full he could sleep in the twin. So that was all taken care of. It would of cost them their gas to get here and home. But his brother didn’t want to do that and said no.

We ended up being able to get his mom a ticket to come down and he told his brother he would have to work out the kids why she was gone. He said okay. Then he told him he bought the ticket for right at a month. He just said okay.

She got her the 9th of December and went home the 3rd of January. It was a nice time for the most part. It was the first time she had been home for Christmas in 8 years. Since she left here and went up there.

Here sister got sick and was in and out of the hospital and had been put back in just a few days before she got here. The day after she got here I took her up to see here.

Here sister was so excited to see her then went right to telling her how she was going home the next day she needed someone to take care of her. Just basically telling her she was going to spend her time here taking care of her. Normally when she comes in the summertime she stays with her. But we paid for her to come and brought her down to spend time with JW and the baby. Not over there taking care of her the whole time and it was to give her a break from taking care of everyone. All she does at home. I didn’t say anything I just let them talk and stayed out of it. Figured I would wait to see what happened before I did. We got home and she called her sisters daughter and talked to her. She told her she had everything worked out already not to worry about it. I figured she should have she is the one here and would of had to anyway and didn’t know she was coming in until a day or so before.

Later after Christmas and everything she said something about her sister being mad at her and that she had hardly had anything to say to her since she left the hospital that day. Said she didn’t even talk to her when we were all there for Christmas right at her house. She ended up back in the hospital again when she was getting ready to leave. She went over and seen her the day she was leaving. After she had been home a few days she started talking to her again. I don’t blame her for not wanting to spend the month over there with her. Or take care of her, she is just like my mother or close to it. She did tell them if they needed her to she could come over some for a few hours or so to help but she wasn’t going over there to stay or take care of her the whole time she was here.

It was nice having her here but I was ready when she went home. Every time we walked out of the house she went with us. She can’t walk around for to long so she goes to the car or just rides and sits in the car. I feel like I have to rush or can’t go everywhere I need to because she is waiting. Me and him already have no time alone and that is the one time we get a little bit of time alone to talk about things we need to or what. We couldn’t do that. One time I did get mad and said something. I wasn’t trying to be nasty. But I think I was a little bit. I was tired it was late and I had to go get oldest from work. I had been trying to talk her him all day about something I can’t even remeber what. I asked him to go with me he said something. His mom said I will ride with you. He said oh ok mom can ride with you. I really don’t feel like it or something. I got a little aggervated and he could tell and asked what was wrong. I didn’t have to go by myself she was going to go with me. I said because I have been trying to talk to you all day about something and can’t get anytime alone to. He said something still didn’t really want to go and she said no it’s fine you two go I will keep the baby so you can talk or what. He didn’t like that then but he went. I had said when she said she would go I ask you to go. That is when he started about not wanting to and everything.

Why she was here she said something about the fridge door in the laundry room and how it open and not being able to get into it. I said I know some you can turn around. I said I didn’t want it there to start with and have asked him for over a year to turn it around. But just something else that never gets done.

He got so mad come through the kitchen telling me to shut up he didn’t want to hear my shit today. His mom was like what, why would you say that to her? He said something about I’m always complaining about shit or something like that. I said I wasn’t complaining she ask about the door I told her why it was like that, I just simply told her the truth. Wasn’t complaining. She said something about not letting things go and getting things done. I said I don’t go in there and use it. If I need something I have him get it or ask the kids. I do enough I refuse to fight with it.

Another time I was cooking and they were sitting in the living room talking and watching tv. I was messing with all this hot stuff and the baby kept getting under foot. I was worried he was going to get burnt and just needed to be able to move around quicker and get things done. No one wants to be putting up with someone running around in the way why they are trying to do something. It’s worse when everyone is sitting around doing nothing why you are and not helping get them out of the way. I finally hollered and ask if he would come and get him. I had already asked a few times and he would get him and let him come right back or just call him and never get him.

He comes off with have one of the kids get him. I was done, that just pissed me off to no end. That is what he loves to say about things, have the kids get him, have the kids help you, let the kids do it, have the kids do it. Seems whatever I ask at times. I yelled now and told him I was so sick of hearing let, have or get the kids to do something. If I wanted to have them do it all the time I would ask them and if I was going to ask them to do it all the time like he wanted I sure the hell did not need him here. I don’t know what his mom said but he got up and got him. I don’t think I heard anything about the kids again after that for a while. Then it was did I think the kids could or would.

Don’t get me wrong my kids can help but the thing is they do help, ALOT. They split up the household chores for the most part and clean their own rooms, do their own laundry. They also do extra here and there if I ask them too. But for him to expect them to do everything because he don’t want too. At the time he was working 10 to 15 hours a week mostly 10 sometimes 20. He helped cook dinner, wash ours and the babies clothes and take care of the baby when I was at work, that was about it. Most those things other than cooking or taking care of the baby he only did once maybe twice a week. I had the baby from the time I got off, took him to work, took oldest to work, took boys to kickboxing and little bitty to dance. Then I would pick them up from dance and boxing and go home. Do dinner or cook it then by the time I got done doing that and sat everyone down to eat I had to turn around and go get him from work and her from work. Most nights I did not get home until almost 11 at night. To eat myself, shower, and hopefully go to bed and get some sleep. But 9 times out of 10, I had to feed the baby before or while I ate, and then get him cleaned up. Then I would have to get his bath if he needed one get him changed and dressed for bed, make his bottle and put him to bed. Before i could shower and think about going to bed. If I said something to him he get nasty about how he had him all day or something. I would go to bed and did not get up at night to take care of the baby when he got up and if he didn’t go to bed I stopped staying up with him. I had to be up to early.

His mom would say I don’t know what is wrong with him and his brother this is not how I raised them they are just like their dad. She did say he did a lot more than his brother around the house. He won’t cook a meal wash a dish or a load of clothes. Said he won’t even carry her chair for her when they go to ball games for the kids or nothing. I said well he don’t have a choice but to help if he wants to be here because I am not doing it all why he sits. I am not waiting on him like he is a king. She said I don’t blame you.

It was a ruff month. I don’t know why I thin just the stress of the holidays, his hours being cut and me already having a hard time. Then someone else in the house all that time. I don’t like people in my house for long periods of time. A couple of days and I am ready for them to leave. Just the same I don’t like to be at other peoples houses at all and a day or two a way from home is more than enough most the time. If I go to visit someone I will stay at a hotel instead of staying with them. I need that space to go back to away from everyone and have down time. I also do not sleep when I stay with someone else. If I do I don’t sleep well. I wake up a million times.

Over all it was an okay time.

{February 27, 2021}   Can’t Wait to Get Moved

I am so over this bitch I can not wait to get moved away from her. She started again tonight about if I found anything and what was she going to do? I am just going to leave her homeless after “all she has done for me”. Let’s talk about all she has done……

Had cps\dcf called on me.

Thrown away and or ruined my rugs furniture and everything else because it wasn’t “good enough” or what she wanted.

Brainwashed my kids trying to turn them against me

Has had code enforcement called several times I almost had to move.

Expectes everyone to do everything for her. Shop, laundry, driver everywhere, go the why she tells you do everything her way. If you get a drink do it this way use this glass not that one dont sit the cup here sit it there. This is no joke or stretching nothing. You can’t sit stuff on one end of the table because something off the ground was sat there 9 months ago. It has been bleached and cleaned. But it is still dirty.

We sleep in a death trap fire hazard every nigh. She has both doors blocked with stuff because you know someone is after us she needs to hear if they try to come in.

The list can go on and on but i can’t because I am already pissed and it just makes me madder thinking about it.

She says she has no way to do this and that. No way to look for a place no one to take her and now all the sick people. It’s no excuse. She could call one of these ride places one of her friends my sister. I am not missing work to help her. I did and she fucked around. Made me miss all day and drove me over the edge dealing with her. She needs committed or something. I dont know. But it is not my issue no more. Few months has been years you can’t help someone who don’t help themselves.

If I could move tomorrow i would and not think twice about it or feel the least bit bad.

{August 20, 2020}   Here or There Not Happy Anywhere

As I told you in close encounters of the covid kind

I am at JW’s house since i got off work last night. I could of went home but it is nice to have a little break. But I feel so uneasy and stressed. When I am here I feel like I need to be there and when I am there, I feel like I need to be here or should be. I just want here and there to be one so badly. I am so stressed over it all.

I told JW my test came back negative that I wanted to go home but I didn’t. He said yes but I needed to go home and see my kids. I told him how it is right now that I walk through say hi and go sit in my room. He said oh. He said it’s up to you. But he don’t seem to excited that I’m not going home. I said something about it he said no he loves having me here. But that he kept me awake last night and things. He tossed and turned all night last night. I don’t know what is wrong. He tells me a lot of times he does. I was already stressed so it did wake me up but it wasn’t like I was mad or worried about it. I was just asking if something was wrong or what. I was hoping we would get to talk some tonight or this weekend why I was here. We have been talking more it has been nice but it seems like some thing has been bothering him for a bit now it seems like. But he don’t say anything.

He is so different than what I am use to being with. Then me doing with all I am and have and trying not to bring past things into our relationship. We are just going to have to sit down and really talk about us our relationship. Not us what we need to do or want to do or working on or any of that. But us how we feel about our relationship between us. I don’t want to go through the motions hoping or thinking. I want us to make sure we work on that bond and why we want the things we do. Not let that all get lost in what we want or have to do.

Last night I went shopping after work to pick up some things I needed and picked up something to make for dinner. I came home and started dinner then ran and picked him up. He walked the dog while I finished dinner. We had to run to the store then we came home he took a shower. I went ahead and took one was going to get a drink sit down with him for a bit. Then i came to get a drink and started cleaning the kitchen. I had made comments hoping he would do them why I got my shower or put dinner away or help me but he didn’t. He went laid on the bed and watched tv.

He kept telling me leave them come lay down. But like i told him why we were out I got stuff for tonight I had things to do today wouldn’t have time. Until time to cook I didn’t want to do them then. A few times he asked me if I wanted him to help me. I didn’t say anything. He went back in the room. We talked back and forth why I did them. I say room its one big room with wall in the middle to make a bedroom there is no door. Its like a studio almost.

It kind of made me mad. I felt he should of just came and helped or done them if he cared. I am not going to ask him to help me or tell him he has to or ask him to in that situation. I feel like I cooked he should of said here you cooked let me take care of that or it’s late let me help you so your not here all night. He even said something about how long it took me. Don’t get me wrong he wasn’t saying to be nasty or mean or in a way. Just that he didn’t think it would take me so long or shouldn’t have. I was hurting wasn’t rushing. I don’t know maybe I am wrong to feel that way.

I think I said it somewhere in the last week or so in another post but I don’t know what one or where. But I still can not justify not moving away in my mind. I have tried and tried and I thought okay when I find something and get into a better place and things I will be able to. But I am looking and there is nothing out there better that isn’t $1200+ a month. And even then it isn’t much better than where I am.

I just keep thinking I could move up by J and find a job making as much as or more than what I make at both my jobs put together right now and pay half what I am in rent for a nicer place. Or even if I paid as much as I am now I would have one job, decent hours, and a much nicer place. I would be out away from things not right on top of the person next to me. I would get to see my kids, spend time with them and do things. I wouldn’t be struggling. I would have help with things and the kids. I could have a break once in a while. The kids would have friends and family to do things with and spend time with and grow up with. We wouldn’t sit alone on the holidays and weekends all the time. We could have parties and do things again.

Yesterday on the way to my night job I seen a rent sign so after work I picked JW up we went to eat and I decided to drive by there. We found the house and it looked nice and was in a nice area. It didn’t say anything about the house just hat it was for rent and the name of the company to contact. I googled the address and pulled it up and they want over $1200 a month for it. It was three blocks from the school around the corner from a park and ball field. In a older quite little area.

This morning I picked him up and we were talking on the way to work and things. Something was said about being here and things I told him, I hate it here, I can’t stand it here I want away from here so bad it isn’t even funny. He asked me why I never left. I told him I was set up to when my dad got sick and I paid my money out to be here and take care of him and everything happen the way it did. That Father of the Year pulled the crap he did and I have struggled the last few years to get decent job or jobs and finally be able to again. He just said oh.

I said I have nothing here, I have no one here really. I don’t see my family hardly at all, I have bff but she can’t be counted on for anything. She is just someone to talk to and hangout with she can’t be counted on to help in anyway. Even when she says she will she don’t . He said you have me. I told him I know that isn’t what I meant and not the same.

He keeps saying that it is all going to be different things will be better when I get moved I am just stressed and things. That he is there to help.

But like I told him, okay but still I am way over paying to live in a dump or maybe a step up from a dump, working my ass off to keep it and struggling. I can’t have anything else because i am just getting by still and I still can’t see my kids and we still hardly get to see each other. Even if we are living together. He is working over 60 hours a week and I work 60. I haven’t been working my full 60 the last month or so I have been so depressed and stressed and the mess going on with my teeth. But I have to get back at it right a way. Then I am off the weekend for what he works 10 hours or more on Saturday then Sunday we have things to get done and the day is over.

I know life isn’t perfect we have to work we have to pay bills and things. But I also know that there are places where rents are not a million dollars a month and jobs pay more than $8 an hour. The cost of living isn’t going to be perfectly balanced but it isn’t going to be so far out of balance that you can’t drive a block down the rode without seeing 10 homeless people laying or sitting around on every corner sometimes 10 on two out of 4 of the corners all through the town. Or a junkie sitting on the bench looking like she is one hit away from ODing. It wasn’t like this when I was growing up. It really wasn’t. We had bad areas of town there was a few homeless that would pass through or what. But there wasn’t families begging for a place to live and sleeping in their cars and in the woods and begging for tents and food and things. Rents were normal price. The cost of living wasn’t perfect but it wasn’t so far out of sorts that you had no hope of finding anywhere to live either. There was always places at decent prices and people willing to work with you if you needed the extra to get in or what. You could rent a place and go in a fix it up yourself and not have to pay deposits and things. People helped people.

Now everyone is struggling so much they can’t help if they wanted to because they can hardly help their self and working their self to death trying to just survive. There is so much I want to do and would love to do to get involved in my community and things and I can’t because I am working so much just to get by.

I broke today I told him but it isn’t going to be better when I move. I am going to still be struggling and working all the time. Even if we are living together we are still going to be working our asses off just to get by and still not have money to save in case something happens or have anything at the end of the day. That is if I can find a place at all. I am searching and begging for a place to live and somewhere that is decent and finding nothing. I’m going to pay the same as I am now or more to live in a worse area and in a house in as bad a shape as mine or worse.

I don’t understand why everyone is okay with this. I don’t understand why no has a desire to do better have better or want more. Why are they all just okay with working their asses off and not having anything and living in dumps in bad areas of town? Why are they not trying to have or do better. Why do they do things that just leaves them in the same spot they are already in instead of trying to do better?

Like Bff only has to pay $375 rent, lights and water. She went and got a truck payment, she wants to go get jet ski and a boat and all this other stuff. But she is always borrowing money from her mom and another friend of hers. She is two months or more behind on her rent. Then says but it is because….. Not it isn’t because. It is because she waste her money. All while she is complaining because her house is falling down around her. It needs a roof, floors and walls fixed because the roof has leaked so much. It needs the bathroom done because it never was and a few other things. She has someone that will help her get most of it done it will just cost supplies and she talks about how she don’t have the money to do it. but she has paid someone elses way for a year and making a truck payment and going away for fun for the weekend getting motel rooms and spending money out all the time. For her and this other person and the kids.

She had over $20,000 she got from a settlement and it was gone in less than a week. She didn’t catch bills up or anything like that. She could of fixed her house and bought a decent car or truck that she did not have to make payments on. But instead she is fine with living like she is and not having anything. Then cries because she works about 45 hours a week or so. That is to much but she don’t make enough and she is always taking off and missing work to go play around or just because.

I work my ass off and can’t catch a break. Like Jw well things will be better and when we are together and move in together. We still are not going to be that much better off if I quite one job we aren’t going to be any better off we are going to be right where we are now. That is my goal and what I want to do with in the next 8 months or so is be in a spot where I can carry everything and only work one job. Still be able to have things and do things. As long as I am here I dont’ see that ever happening and I hate it here. Honestly he is the only thing I have here and reason I have to stay and honestly it isn’t enough to make me do it this time. I care about him, I love him, I want us I want to see where this goes but I don’t want to struggle and live like this the rest of my life to have it. If living like this and struggling like this from now on not seeing my kids hardly is what it cost to have us it cost to much. I need peace of mind and happy for me and my kids. We are going to have to really talk because even if I stay the year to see how things go with us and give it a chance rather it is going good or not I still want out of here so we aren’t living like this.

It is only going to get worse because they are getting ready to build all these new apartments around us and houses and things and the space center is about to take off again and some other places coming in and a ton of people moving here makes the rents go up even more. And everyone thinks it brings jobs and things to the area but it really don’t. it brings highly qualified and special skilled and trained jobs to the area and most all of them are filled by people from other states coming here to transfer. It really don’t help our area out much at all.

Apartments here are going for $1400 and up. 1 bedrooms are going for $1000, rooms for rent in someone’s house with no kitchen access and things are going for $500 and up. I told him last night I am looking at houses for rent and sell. They are the same ones I looked at about 12 years ago for rent and sell. They were beautiful inside and out looked like new. They were getting almost half the price they are now then to rent them. The ones that are for sell are selling for just over what they were selling for then or doubled or more in price. But now they are trashed, they have not been kept up, they have not been taken care of painted or anything like that they are 12 plus years older with nothing done to them and they want all this extra money for them. When they looked like brand new I could rent them or buy them for next to nothing and they are in decent areas.

Everyone I know is moving, I had a friend move a few months ago, another one moving in a couple weeks, others getting things in place to go. They all say you can’t live here it is to far gone and over priced. One is going to New York and has a nicer place and a much better paying job doing the same things they were doing here. They will have money to save and not struggle to get by. Everything is waiting for them when they get there. The others went to Georgia and are doing so much better they went from a trailer to a house and land and paying almost the same as they were here. The medical and things up there are much better as well. Like my friend J in south Carolina said she is getting all kinds of medical things she needed taken care of done up there because she can afford to pay for medical now and they have places that help you if you can’t or what you can’t cover.

{November 27, 2019}   I Find It Funny

How do guys meet you and think it’s great that you “aren’t like the rest” But then try their damnedest to get you to screw around with them, or “help” them out.

It’s like okay are you not listening? Do you know how stupid you sound and look? Do I look desperate to you? What is it that makes you think that your so great or special that we just met, started talking or been talking and I am going to just say oh what the hell and do it? Especially when we aren’t even talking a relationship or interested in one. They say they just want to see where it goes, just want to be friends, not looking for a relationship. You tell them what your looking for and they still think your just going to make an expression or change your mind for them.

I know it’s the sliver of hope they have and it’s the fun of trying. But dang, I think I would get tired of trying and feel like an idiot for trying after a while. It never crosses my mind to even keep trying if I know someone really isn’t interested. I guess that’s why guys and women are so different.

As bad as the other one telling me you really aren’t like the rest. But you just don’t get how this works. You need to………….

Yes I know how it works and I have no desire to play that game. I have no need to.

{November 8, 2019}   Shit Talking 101

I told you a while back in my post 34 to 54 and Us in-between about the one driver at my night job trying to take me and the other guy I work with at night out for a drink and to hang out. When he said no he kept asking me. We have been messaging back and forth and talk on the phone once in awhile. But that is it nothing else at all. He keeps trying to get me to go out with him and meet him and “help” him out. We mostly just joke around.

He said to me the other day I know nothing is ever going to happen between us, your just easy to talk to, joke around with and fun to talk to. I’m not trying to offend you or make you made. I said nope don’t make me mad. Takes a lot to get to me or make me made.

So he is always saying stuff and talking shit. I told him the other day all you guys take that same Shit Talking 101 class and think you are the man. You all say the same thing and it gets none of you anywhere. He comes off with class I wrote the book. Blah, blah. I laughed and told him I wouldn’t admit to that. Later I told him, he may want to rewrite that book and do some more research. It comes up here and there I say something about that class. He said something I said you really should just burn the book. He said yeah I think you are right. It has been no help so far.

He said something about getting together maybe if he kept trying one day I would change my mind.

I said you can get in line with the others but it never moves just so you know. I sent him this picture

He says I skipped and jumped ahead I’m first in line. I said first middle last next to the back or front really means nothing when the line never moves.

Another time we were talking and he was saying something and I made a wise crack. He said why do you have to be so mean and cold? Laughed. I sent


He made comments back and then says and as for my balls….um…um. yeah I don’t know what to say to that.


I replied





Last week I posted that I was looking for an office or two, to clean on the weekend. He massaged me a few days later and said he had carpet to put down in his truck and wanted to know if I wanted to clean the truck and help him lay the carpet.

I laughed at him and said oh so is that what you guys are calling it now laying carpet? He said no no really I seen you were looking to make some extra money and I need the truck cleaned. Doors, windows, windshield, shelves, bunk all that. I need the floor cleaned good so I can lay the carpet. I may need help getting it cut and laid down so it don’t take forever. I’m not trying to get you in my truck and do something. I said um hum sure I bet you have some candy too.

He said no we all pretty much keep the same truck we do what we want or with them and have to keep them clean. He said really if you talk to some of the other guys they may pay you to clean theirs out when they get back from their runs. Most don’t feel like it or want to take the time to clean them.

I told him I would have to see I wasn’t sure. That it would depend what time I got off work. it was Friday the kids wait up for me to get off and come home on Fridays since there is no school the next day. I had to go home normal time so they weren’t waiting because my little one gets tired and would fall a sleep.

I told him maybe one other night during the week when I got off since they would already be a sleep and I didn’t have to rush home. He showed up to put the carpet in the truck and show me he really had carpet and wasn’t just saying it and he really needed it cleaned. Earlier when we were messaging about it he asked me how much. I really don’t want to do it because it is late and I am tired after work. I didn’t want to do it being out there and in the truck and things because you know how people talk and I don’t want to have shit started about oh being in his truck or whatever. Even if just joking someone takes it to far and I would go off, say something and who knows where it would go from there.

I told him $25 he said that was steep, I said I don’t know never done anything like that before. He said it is only about 30 minutes worth of work probably. I said I don’t know how much is it worth or what do you think? What were you thinking to pay? He said no I pay it that is alright. I am just thinking it is late, I am doing this during the week after working two full shifts, I’m tired and even if it is only 30 minutes of work is it worth it to me for less than $25? It is a one time thing not full time like if it was an office or what i was looking for. So if he really wants it done and to make it worth it to me to do it when it is harder to do than cleaning an office really at least $25. Because I have to climb up in the truck get around and under everything in a tight space, up and down with supplies buckets of water and things to clean and clean the floor. bending under and around everything. I don’t have all that in an office I’m not bending under and around stuff to clean the fools or under the dash and things in an office. That is all hard on my back and getting all the buckets and things of water up and down. That is like cleaning bathrooms, making beds and that kind of thing that kills my back and I can’t do all the time. That is why offices are easier and I can go in there at 3 am on a Saturday or Sunday or 9 pm. As long as it is clean before they get back Monday. I am not having to do it after a double shift tired and wore out already.  I never did do it he didn’t get a hold of me over the weekend and is back out. I figure he will want to do it when he gets back. Hopefully he forgets it or does it himself.

He is a nice guy but just older than I am looking for and he isn’t looking for anything other than someone to go to dinner with or have drinks with once in a while when he is here and hook up with. I am not looking for that. I’m not looking to get into anything with anyone from work. Friends that is it nothing more.


{October 25, 2019}   A Good Man To Help

I was talking to Pops at work yesterday or the day before and we were talking about things with the kids and bills and all that. He said now all you need is a good man to help you.

I just looked at him he said what really. Your doing so good you turned things around and getting ahead. You just need someone to help you now you your going places. But you need a good one.

I laughed I said yeah I don’t think that is out there anymore.

He said it is, it will find you.

I just looked at him again.

He says there are some still left out there, just be patient. It will happen.

I said yeah one day I guess.

I would love to meet someone but I go back and forth if I think I will or not. I don’t I know I do but I tell myself forget it, there are no decent ones out there. But I know there are I do. I look at the people I work with at my two jobs, it’s all guys at both. I look at guys I meet out and about. They are so different, it’s life we all live right around the same area why did they come from why don’t I run into guys like this when I am out and about? What do they all stay home locked up in their houses? I just don’t get it.


{October 14, 2019}   Picking up My Truck

I guess I have to bite the bullet and go pick up my truck in the morning. I haven’t heard from the guy in almost a month. I have been trying to get someone to go with me but of course no one can or will. I have avoided it for far to long. One of the owners is going to be in at my day job doing some work I told him today I am going to be late that I had to go pick it up and see what to do from there. I am in one of those weird moods where I don’t not care but that I just don’t want to deal with it and I’m okay with not dealing with it and it just hanging out there. Even though I know it is most likely just getting worse. I care but not enough to do anything about it. Even though I told them I am going to be late tomorrow I am going to have to force myself to go over there.

You know some things you can do without or pay to get done. But there are somethings you can’t just pay someone to do. I know that I know you can’t but I don’t know I thought I could figure out some way to take care of this but I can’t.

Sitting here writing this and thinking about it I don’t know if it is the situation that I am in that bothers me more or the fact that here I sit again alone to handle it all on top of everything else I already take care of alone.

{August 14, 2019}   You Prefer People Like Me

Last Wednesday I had a interesting conversation with my good friend. The one I have known since we were kids who I traded my truck to for labor on my other cars if they break. I think I told you about that. If not theres a tidbit of what’s going down with my beast.

Anyway some how we got on the subject of Peter Pan and Wendy. He did not know who I was talking about when I said that. I was surprised but I guess normally he is the ass when I talk to him.

I was already in a mood. I told him I wanted to go out but needed to find someone to go out with me and keep me out of trouble. I told him when I go out alone I end up leaving guys in bathroom, going to bathroom not returning, picking up stalkers or finding things like father of the year.

He said to let him know when I was drunk and needed a ride home again. He wasn’t saying no this time 😄.

I told him I would for sure. He would be the first I called.

I told him I wanted to meet someone other than what I have been and told him about the guy at work. He said don’t shit where you eat. I told him I already knew that I wasn’t wanting to do that.

He said he just wanted to fuck now and then and we could still be friends nothing strange between us because of it.

I said all everyone seems to be looking for. He said it was all he was in the position to offer right now. He was being straight foward and honest.

I told him a little about my Swinging Conversation with My “Friend” and how he blocked me.

I said we have been doing this for so long that I didn’t say no but not right from day one. He keeps pushing for more.

“See. And now he is butt hurt. Just a sign that he is not emotionally mature enough anyway”   “You spanked his ego”

I told him….Other than that he has tried and tried for years to have more. When I think okay maybe why not he shown things. He comes off with this.

First thing my friend said before I could say more was….”Financial help causes dependency, dependency allows control.”

Yep, I know he was talking about just all around be there and help.

He knows me and everything I been through to well. He says…..”Help is not something you are looking to get used to because it’s never dependable”

Then says…..”I think you prefer people like me. Someone you know you can count on when necessary but never pretends to be willing to do more than they are capable of or willing to do”    “I’m the same way. Don’t like depending on anyone. I think that may be why I’m with my wife. I know I can’t depend on her, so no surprises. lol”

He is right, like I say all the time I don’t want to depend on someone I don’t need to. Like he was talking about his wife and not being able to count on her or depend on him and things. Talking about how Father of the Year was like that and I couldn’t do it.

I can’t have someone there that I have to do everything for or can’t do for their selves. I am not looking do drag someone around or up.

But he is the problem, these guys rush in making all these promises and wanting to do everything and they can’t or won’t come through on it. I just want someone honest and real. Don’t say your going to do this or that if you don’t want to or you don’t plan to or you can’t. Tell me what your willing and able to do and do it.

{August 5, 2019}   Workin’ Moms

I know I am late to the game once again probably but that is okay. I hardly ever watch tv at all unless a few minutes here and there with the kids. Then I don’t really watch it because who can hear or follow anything with 4 kids fighting and talking and doing whatever in the middle of it.

I signed up for a free Netflix trial the other day week when me and Little Bitty were laying in bed one night looking for something to watch. I have been watching it at work.

I started watching Grace and Frankie when it first came out, then got rid of Netflix and didn’t keep up with it. So I went back and started at the be-gaining and watched all of them. Now I have moved on to Workin’ Moms. I just finished season one and started season two a few minutes ago. Sadly I think this is the last season and I am not sure but I don’t think they are making anymore. I will have to check but I think this one came out a year or two ago so I would say they aren’t.

But while watching this I just laugh and then sit there and go wow I can so relate. Most of all I can relate to Frankie in the first season of the show. All I can think is who followed me around to record my life and tell her how to act.

Everything from the do you ever think about the plane just crashing, to the just tossing everything out or selling it. Her putting her face in the pool and the people pulling her out and her looking at them like nothing is wrong. You know your not going to do it but just don’t want to be here either.

Then the whole feeling guilty over the kids and not doing enough and not being there enough, the who is going to do everything for them and feeling overwhelmed at the same time. The other moms were dealing with what I feel everyday. the one mom feeling that she just needs the change or a change and piercing her nipple in the bathroom why they are out and wanting to leave her husband. Feeling that she is doing nothing but work work work for everyone and getting nothing in return from anyone but shit about what a horrible job your doing or why you shouldn’t be doing it or what you should be doing or doing different.

Imagine feeling that all on top of how Frankie was feeling and dealing with. That would me. I don’t know how I am getting by or functioning right now or the last month or more. I got one yes one hour of sleep last night. Then a huge fight with the Bitch this morning. I didn’t get to bed until 2 and watched a show with Little Bitty because I promised her and she is having a horrible time right now with all this. Then I laid there awake with my mind reminding me of every ball I have dropped, all that I have not cleaned up after, what a horrible job of being a person and/or parent I am, what is going to happen when all these balls that have been dropped and not dealt with come to a head. Then the thinking of oh well then maybe I will get a break and the drop of  a ton of breaks of feeling guilty for feeling that way when it deals with the kids. Then the circle of horrible mommy, poor kids slides back around and it just keeps going on and on like the song that never ends. I tell myself over and over that one person can’t get in my head not to let them get to me but I can’t help it. I know i have dropped the ball I need help but I don’t have it and don’t have anywhere to turn to get help. If I try then it just gives others more room and reason to pounce and cause life to be 1000x worse and keep pounding me down more and more and my kids to be unhappy more and more.

At the end of the fist season Frankie told her wife she was going to a treatment program to get help and I thought that would be so nice to be able to get help somewhere for the way I feel. But that isn’t an option for me like a lot of things aren’t an option for me. To have someone there that supports her and wants to still be with her. Who somewhat understands and wants to see her better.

et cetera
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