Single___Parent___Life











{August 9, 2019}   But No One Was Getting HIT

I hear this when people are talking relationships and why they break up or broke up. It makes me want to scream and turns my stomach.

I am watching the Girlfrinds Guide to Divorce on Netflex

The lady is talking to her brother about getting a divorce. He is against it and thinks it is a bad idea. Which is funny because he is gay. You would think he would be one of the last ones to have a problem with it. He says he don’t understand it no one was getting hit, no one was cheating, blah blah. She says to him sorry I wasn’t getting hit. He of course says oh that wasn’t what he meant and things.

I hear this and I just want to scream. Not everyone knows if someone was or wasn’t getting hit, no one ever knew i was getting hit when I was with Father of the year. Most still don’t. Most have no idea  the ex stint of the abuse that went on. Because again no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Why do people feel the need to justify your decisions or change your mind? How do they think telling you that you weren’t getting hit makes everything else fine?

There is a lot more reasons to end a relationship other than getting hit. I relationship needs more to survive and be healthy other than two people knowing how to keep their hands to their selves. I mean don’t we all pretty much know this and do it on a daily bases when dealing with people in our daily life? Isn’t that one of the first things we learn as kids is not to hit? Isn’t it like one of the fist rules when you start school and in every class? Keep hands and feet to yourself? We don’t say at least he wasn’t kicking you around.

I just don’t understand this, like the only people others decide to hit are their spouse or partner? Where did this idea that the only time we should get out of a relationship is if we are being hit? Why does this only apply to married couples and partners if this is the case? If we decide not to be friends with someone because we don’t like something they do, something they said, the way they treat us or just because we decided we didn’t want to, why don’t people say oh no you should still be friends because hey, they don’t hit you? Why is it okay to end any other relationship for any reason but to end a marriage or partnership we have to be getting knocked around?  We have to have black and blue marks or black eyes? Maybe we are getting out before it comes to that? maybe it has come to that and it’s been hidden? Because the person was embarrassed or just felt that it wasn’t everyone in the worlds business to know.

If someone says they are getting out of a relationship or getting a divorce they are not asking you to be okay with it, they are not asking you if it is okay, they are not asking if you agree with it or if it is what you would do. They are telling you to let you know, they are telling you to have the support, they are telling you because they feel they can confide in you and not be judged. If you are a true friend then don’t judge, don’t try to justify it, don’t try to fix it or make their decision okay. Just be there for them, listen to them, support them. If you can’t tell them that so that they can find someone who can.

Don’t try to talk someone into staying or tell them to work it out or it will get better. Because you most likely don’t know everything and what you are trying to talk them into holding onto and work out. Bff use to tell me the same thing when we first met and I told her we were in the process of separating and getting a divorce. She thought it was horrible and I needed to work it out and just hang in there it would get better. After she was around for a while and seen she even says she was wrong and feels bad for saying it and understands. Now that she is going through it she is really starting to see a lot and understand a lot more. You may feel your the bff and been around and know everything and they tell you everything but you don’t know at all. My own family didn’t know and we lived with them and next to them and everything for years. We seen them all the time. His family didn’t know, no one knew. Because we were the “perfect” family in public and around people.

He of course isn’t going to flip out and do shit in front of others when he puts on this show of being the perfect husband and father and doing no wrong. Some people are private people or don’t trust everyone. Others need to decide and figure things out on their own before everyone gets in involved. That is the route I decided to take. Nothing wrong  with either way. It is not for us to judge or decide the way others should handle things. it is just up to us to be there when they do come to us and tell us what they feel they can or should share with us.

 



{November 25, 2018}   My Ton of Bricks Moments 1

Im not going to fight with him not a man who has already put his hands on me. I am just going to shoot ask questions later when it’s said and done.

I lived with the abuse for years not because I was scared of him but more because I was embarrassed. I was a very independent, out going, out spoken person and i let myself get in that kind of situation and couldn’t get myself out of it.

If it came down to it I would not think twice about shooting him if he ever came after me again.

I don’t know why I have had the thought of him coming back in the picture and trying to do something to me. I had the though if he found out where I work he may try to come there knowing I am alone most the time. I want my guns out of pawn and I want to get my concealed carry. But that is going to take time.

I had the thought if I do I need to tell my bosses that I have it and carry it. Even about asking them if I can keep it there for the time being until I get my cc. If it is just something I keep at the office they allow it I am not carrying it on me. It is not illegal to have in my vehicle but I rather just keep it at work. So that if I was stopped or something then I would not have to worry about it being in my truck.

But I do not know how to approach it with my bosses or how they would feel about any of it. I know if he came there and started and the one boss was there he would not put up with it and would put a stop to it. He beat his ass an not think twice about it. A guy disrespects a women or abuses it is done.

I figure they will say there is this or that to protect myself but I am not he is to much bigger than me. By the time I could get close enough to him to do anything he could have a hold of me take it do what he wants. How do I make them or get them to understand why I want to do what I do? That is when I had the thought above about putting up with his abuse.

Later in the week I was thinking about stuff I have and things I need to do something with or put up. The though of how I just want to get rid of everything and everyone says how can you just have something one day get rid of it the next without a second thought? I wasn’t sure why. But between never having stuff because of him and losing everything else to pawn, being left in storage and things you just get to the point nothing means anything to you anymore. Its just stuff it can always be replaced.

I swing from one extreme to the other, i either keep everything or throw everything away or give it away. Just get rid of it all no matter what it is or worth.

I think it is because when I was with Father of the Year I never really had things. My things were always disappearing, coming up broke or given away. I guess it was a sick game to him. He thought it was funny or something.

I think now I want to do things use things or what so I hold onto them so I can. I really mean to and want to I am just so busy I rearly get to it. But no one can get rid of it or what because its my plce there is no one here to make my stuff disappear. I can keep it or do what I want. I know when I go to use it whenever that maybe it will be here. But then things pile up and I end up with junk everywhere.

Where as before I would have it no time go to use it and he had already done something with it. Now i have the stuff and no time.

But then I get tired of all the clutter and everything over all and throw it all out and get rid of it.

Like now I am tired of all the furniture and everything in the house I am fighting so hard not to toss it all out and start over. I want to but can’t afford to and want to wait until she is out of the house.

But those were my hit like a ton of bricks moment’s this last week.



{April 28, 2017}   R.I.P. Sprite

This is what I woke up to every morning with her. This was her way of telling me she wanted to go outside now it was time to get up.

My Friend was here Friday night and Father of the year came to drop money off around 11 when he got off work. Me and Wanda went out for a little bit and didn’t do anything but end up back at home in no time. Me and her were sitting outside and he came out and was sitting. He got up and went inside to get something, when he did he pushed the door to but not closed. I didn’t think anything of it we do it all the time when the dogs are in their cage. I had sent the three older kids to bed and Little Bitty was laying on the couch all covered up watching tv.

In a minute my friend said the dogs they are out. I tried to grab them but couldn’t, I told Father of the year to get the leashes and got his truck key to get in the car and try to go catch them. Well I back out and am sitting in front of the house just before the 4 way stop. The Little dog I seen running in the yard across the street from us. Father of the year went over and was trying to catch her she was running around the yard. They ended up by the mail box next to the road. This car came up to turn we started yelling for them to stop and motion for them to stop. They came flying around the corner and when they did the dog was in the road. They hit her, stopped then took off and hit/drug her. I didn’t see it happen because it was to the side and behind my truck I was going the other direction. Father of the year started yelling and screaming at them and followed them. They went two streets up and went in side. The guy on the other corner from me called the police. We got the other dog and came home. Me and Wanda loaded the dog up and drove her to the animal hospital place that was open late. She seemed okay just a little trouble breathing but seemed like from shock probably. Everyone thought she was okay just scratched up and things. I just had a bad feeling about it all the way there.

We got there I took her out they took her back on a stretcher thing inside and to a room. They told me to wait in the waiting area they would look her over come get me let me know what they found what they felt needed to be done. In a little while they finally came in and got me and said they needed to do x rays to start with because they could not hear any lung sounds at all from her. They gave me a thing saying it would be between $300 and $420 for all that and bringing her in. They said it could be bruising on the lungs and she would need to rest or the chest area could be filling with air and they would have to tap the chest with a needle and take the air out. He seem to think that it would be one of the two things. I had to call my sister to see if we could borrow money because Father of the year had just enough to do x rays and things but I needed to know if I could get money to treat her once we knew what it was or figure out how to do that. She said yes and how much she could give me. I told them go ahead and do the x ray.

They came back in a little bit and showed us the x ray. It was much worse than he thought. She had a hernia her stomach was pushing into her lungs and giving them no room to move and it was shoving her heart over out of place where it should be. He said that it had to be fixed and would be $3000 to $4000 to do it. He said they couldn’t do it there and would have to call farther south of where we were to see if they had someone that could do it for me or wait until Monday to get it a hold of someone to see if they could do it. He said that my vet or one in the area may even try and do it for a little less just to try and save her life and save me some money if I didn’t have that to take her to a specialist. He then said he had not looked at kidneys, bladder, liver, intestines or anything like that. It would be more testing and that they would need to do it before hand and there was still no guarantee that they would not run into something worse wrong when they got in there that may not show on the test. They may or may not be able to fix at the time and would cost more. He said it had to be done she could not live that way (I knew that). He said he had never seen something so bad and never expected to see that when they took the x ray. He said he sure wished it was one of the other two things he thought it was because it would have been a lot simpler and cheaper and they just do it and it be done with, because they can do them there.

I had to tell them I had to put her to sleep because there was no way I could afford to do all she needed and not knowing if there was other things that needed to be taken care of. I felt horrible but I really couldn’t do anything more for her. I couldn’t let her suffer either. I called Father of the Year and told him what they said. I told him to just tell the kids she didn’t make it. I didn’t want them to feel bad that we couldn’t do more for her or anything like that. I told him to ask them did they want me to let the vet office to take care of her or did they want me to bring her home so that they could buried her. They said they wanted to bring her home and buried her.

I let them know they brought her into the room where I was and let me spend sometime with her. She laid down in the floor instead of on the blanket they brought in for her. I sat down with her she just kept looking up at me. I pet her and talked to her cried with her. I seen her eye and it was different too. She has a brown eye and a half brown half blue eye. Well the blue of the half blue eye was turning white like the white of her eye. I don’t know why but it wasn’t that way. I told the vet later when he came in that I noticed that. He said he didn’t know there could be something wrong in the brain from being hit. But not knowing her and the way her eyes were they seemed fine to him when he look but that yes something could be wrong if it wasn’t normal for her. I told him I didn’t want to know why or the details of why it may be happening so that was just what he said.

I spend I don’t know how long with her she looked like she was in more stress than she was when I took her in. She just layed down on her side and layed her head in my lap. They had put an iv in her leg before they brought her in. I sat there with her for a while. She just kept looking up at me like she knew. They tell you to just push the button when you are ready and things. I sat there forever I couldn’t push the button knowing what it meant and what was about to happen. After a long time and her seeming like it was getting harder for her to breath my friend finally pushed it for me. The vet came in ask if I wanted to lay her on the blanket i told him I tried that is where she went. I was okay with it she seem comfrable there and that was where she wanted to be. I told him I did not want to know what he was doing or what did what. I just wanted him to do it. I sat there and held her head in my lap like she been laying and put my head down. He started doing what he had to do. He started to tell me with the first shot what was going to happen or what it was for. I told him again I do not want to know anything I don’t want to know what is happening when. He said okay and just finished and in a minute or two he said it was done.

We went out they took her and put her in a bureral box and then brought her out to the truck and help put her in. We got home at 4 something in the morning and Father of the Year dug a place to bury her. I came in and talk to the big kids they had just laid down not long before I got home. The little kids were a sleep and had no clue what was going on. My oldest didn’t want to be out there when we done it. Big boy wanted to but was falling a sleep, I told him I would wake him but if he didn’t wake up I was not going to keep bothering him or forcing him to get up and that we would just do it. He said ok. When we were ready he was out and would not get up so we just done it. He was okay with it in the morning. Little Bitty was the first one up and went to look for her to see what the doctor said if she was okay. I told her she wasn’t here, she asked if she was still at the doctor being taken care of? I told her no, I told her she was hurt to bad and didn’t make it. She said she died? I told her yes and she said okay. She didn’t really say to much more about it. She said like grandpa and something about them coming back to see her when they were better. I told her yes like grandpa and that grandpa and Sprite were in heaven together now, but they wouldn’t be coming back just like we haven’t been able to see grandpa in a long time. She said okay. She only 4 she don’t really have the full grasp of it all.

My Big Guy got up next and she ran to tell him and was trying to tell him. I told her to please just wait and let me tell him in a minute when once he was out of bed. I sent her to play. Once he got down off the bunk and went to the bathroom I called him in and told him she didn’t make it and that we buried her in the front yard under my window by the tree over where she use to be and play with lizards. He got upset but was better than I thought.

The last week has been better than I expected, my Big Boy and Big Guy I think have taken it the worse. Big Boy is grouchy, short and snippy with everyone. My Big Guy cries at the drop of a hat and gets upset about everything even if he wouldn’t normally. I just keep trying to talk to them but they just say they are alright. I think they are still in shock i don’t know. I still can’t believe it, it seems so odd not having her here but not at the same time. I feel lost when I go to pet the other dog because she always came up and horned in and made sure she got her love too. And she was the one that woke me up every morning.

This was her big cheesy grin she would get because she was getting belly rubs. She loved for you to pet her and talk to her and she was so happy to get belly rubs.

Oh and the wonderful police we have they came said there was nothing they could do really but they were going to go talk to them. They went around there and came back and said they would not even answer the door to them. They knew it was a hit and run. They said sue them for the vet bills if we wanted too but it cost me more to take them to court and then the time and everything else involved when I don’t have either one with everything else. I seen them the other day and their car has a huge dent in it on the side I guess where Father of the Year hit it when they started trying to pull away and wouldn’t let him get her out. Because we never seen the dent in it before. He was scared he was going to go to jail when the cops came because of it but they ran after hitting her with her still under the car what did they expect was going to happen.



I am asking everyone to say a prayer for a little 5 year old boy and his family tonight they need all they can get. God will know who it is. Hold your kids closer and say a prayer for them too.

Tonight the kids had their 2nd stars meeting so I stopped picked my friend and her daughter up and we went. I dropped them off and ended up hanging out by the truck talking to her longer than I planned to. I told myself just drop and go baby was getting fussy and I had my 3 year old at another friends being watched. I was in a hurry to get to him. I got out to let her daughter out and started talking. Wasn’t there long maybe 5 minutes.

I headed home called my friend who had my son and was talking to her. I got about 6 miles from home and I seen a truck to the right of the road stopped. As I got closer I could tell it was in the road. I slowed down trying to figure out what was going on and where the people were I could tell no one was in it and it was in the middle of that lane. As I slowly drove by I seen someone stooped down and a person laying there. You could tell they had been ran over. It was bad. I said to my friend oh my god someone has been hit and it looks like a kid or very small adult but I think it is a kid.

She hung up and called her husband because he had been in or was about to be in that same area on his way home from somewhere else. He said someone said it was a man they didn’t know if it was a teen or adult that had been ran over. Still horrible horrible thing to happen to anyone one but thank GOd it wasn’t a child. I would rather it be me than any child out there. I still was shaken and felt sick. I got my son and came home. We did what we had to do dinner and bedtime.

Later the news came on and my friend called me to tell me it was on the news and what they were saying because she knew I was outside not watching it. Turns out sad but true I was right and it was a child. It was a 5 year old little boy with autism. I they airlifted him to the childrens hospital I am guessing.  His family was there at the volunteer fire department for a boy scout meeting and he got away from them I guess as they were leaving or something and he ran in to the highway.

I am in tears and sick this hits so close to home as my own son is autistic. Father of the year has just pissed me off to the point of leaving the room to avoid a fight. He says how could parents let that happen and this and that about it. I am sure they did not let it happen. Anyone with a child with special needs knows how hard it is to start with. Then when you have them out you are always on edge. But things happen that is out of any of our control. Kids like this do not understand danger and a lot have no fear. It isn’t hard for one to slip away from the most watchful of parents. My son about that age maybe a year older walked away from me and his dad in the store one night. He wasn’t a wanderer or a runner he didn’t like to be by himself or in public or away from us. He always walked along beside me in the store he would hold my hand or my pocket and stay right with us. He had a melt down and I turned my head to get the keys out of the diaper bag and turned back around and that fast he had walked a way  to the point I could not find him. I freaked. I went and asked them to help me find him and everything else.

This little boy may have never been a runner he may have just been trying to play around or follow the other kids and got a little too far from his mom and dad or whoever he was there with. We never know with kids like this what idea they are going to get in their mind or at what moment. Something sets them off upsets them or makes them mad and that new idea comes into their head lets do this instead of this they just do it. They again are not thinking about the danger around.

So please no rude comments or remarks about the parents and what they should have or could have done. That they are bad parents how did they let this happen or anything like that. Lets just all pull together and pray for this little boy and his family. I wish there was something I could do for him and his family but I just don’t know what. I don’t know who he was or anything else right now. Any ideas would be great.



et cetera
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