Valentines Day 2020

This weekend has been a hard weekend for me. Valentines night after work I went to JW’s. I got him a box of candy, I didn’t know what else to get. He got me this big basket like thing. It had a big stuffed monkey in it, some perfumes, wine, flowers and candy. I think I am forgetting something. He said he knows I call Little Bitty Monkey he thought I would give it to her. He had a bear with candy and a rose i think for her the lady gave him when he bought the other.

I hung out there with him for a bit. He was so extremely tired he was trying not to fall a sleep, but he was. They got slammed at work almost as soon as they opened at 10 and it stayed that way until they closed at 8 that night. Normally we talk off and on through out the day I think I heard from him twice. He was making me food. I pulled up and seen how busy they were I told him not to even bother. He said it was already done he dropped it with other orders. He ran it out the back, handed it to me got back inside, before the boss lady seen he was gone.

I kept telling him let me go home so he could sleep. He kept saying no be wasn’t sleeping. He said come lay down with him for a bit first. We laid down for a short time. I finally told him I was leaving I would turn stuff off and lock up. He said no got up and walked me out.

Over all it was a nice night. I wish he hadn’t done what he did. I have it at his house still. Use it there. Im not going to drink wine by myself. I dont normally drink it at all so we will see how it is. The rest i will use there as well. He even said um i wasnt thinking you can’t really take it home right now. I said yeah i know. He like thats okay but I’m still going to get you stuff if it is a holiday. You will just have stuff here now too.

He loves to buy for the holidays. I’m not so much into it but hey. One things settle maybe i will be more into life again.

Keep it to Yourself

Today Pop’s came in at my day job and did somethings I needed done. He took a break and came in and talked for a bit.

He asked if I had turned in my job application yet?

I told him no I was thinking about waiting until at least the first of the year before I turned it in.

He told me to keep that to myself.

I said what?

He said don’t tell the guys you aren’t or you may not.

I told him I wasn’t sure, that I was pretty set on waiting and I was. But then Little Bitty said something this morning and now I and second guessing myself again.

He said well I said something to the guys about you applying.

I thought oh great this isn’t good.

He said they are working on something for you. He said just wait don’t do anything and see what they offer you.

I thought it was a little odd when he was in there working I went and was talking to him. He askes me if the guys were out? I told him one was.

He asked if his son was or had been in? I said no he wasn’t and I hadn’t seen him much lately. He said oh not even Friday?

I said I seen him Friday for a minute he had a busy day he ran in paid me and went out for the day. He seemed surprised or like he was waiting on me to tell him some thing I felt like. But didn’t know what. I think maybe that was it he thought they would of made an offer then. Or told me what they were thinking.

I was thinking I would wait because of the holidays and things. You know how it is the new guy gets the crap days holiday and all that. I don’t want to be working the holidays right now. I want to school I am not sure I can work that job and my night job and do that.

But then Little Bitty said this morning. I wish you were here to pick us up at school and see us after school. That just killed me. I miss them so much and wish I could be there more. But I really can’t do it without the extra money two jobs gives me.

Now I am thinking about going ahead and applying and seeing what happen again. I am also worried about having to work six or seven days a week again since this other place is 7 days a week. Ugh mom life and figuring out that balance and just the right thing to do.

Re:Disappointed Kids

Christmas went will, the kids were thrilled with their gifts. Little Bitty was excited I bought a wreath for the door. She had been wanting one and I wanted to make one with her but was so busy time slipped away. So Christmas eve night while we were out I found a nice one at a decent price and picked it up. She seen it as soon as she came down the hall into the livingroom and was so happy.

After that they opened the gifts that they got for eachother and them the ones I got for them from all of us. Number 2 open his drone before number 3. Normally I have them open them together if they are getting the samethings but I didn’t. He said to number 3, hey look I got a drone like you wanted!!! I just snickered and went on. In a little bit I gave numver 3 his drone to open. He loved it.

Little Bitty of course loved her hatimal she been asking for it, so I knew she would. She liked the pony hair thing as well. She said she liked it better than the head one. I told her we could trade it for the head if she wanted it she said no.

Oldest open her book but didn’t flip through it. We had just about finished opening things and something was said about what everyone got. She said she was happy she got 3 things she had asked for. I said 3 didn’t you get something else? She said no. I ask if she open the book she said yes. I said what was in it? She said it’s just a book about….started telling me what it was for. I said no look in the book, didn’t you find something marking one of the pages? She said no I didn’t look through it. She got it back out and looked through it and found the minecraft card to get ger own. She seemed a little happier then.

The number 1 and 3 got me perfume and a ring with a crown on it. Number 3 made me an ornament of a gingerbread man with his face on it.

Number 2 and number 4 got me my pj’s that matched theirs. I wanted them but couldn’t really do it. I knew the kids would think it was neat if mine matched theirs. I picked them up and told them I seen something I really wanted and got it from them if that was okay. If not I would take them shopping. Number 2 was okay with that because he didn’t feel good and didn’t want to do the shopping he did do. Number 5 was too because she had gotten me something with her school money and because what I got went with what she was getting.

They get school money for being good a d doing good things and then can buy stuff with it at school. She couldn’t wait for me to open what she got. She kept telling me it was to have when I think of her at work. I don’t know why she thought of that. I thought it was going to be a picture or something to put on my desk in my office. I opened it and was surprised at what it was but loved it. It was a stuffed dog

She was so proud of it. She said I could snuggle it when she isn’t there and I miss her.

I grabbed some things for stockings this year as well. While I was at Wal Greens I found this little remote about the size of your hand it has about two dozen different sound effects. I started to get it for number 2 and right away decided to give it to number 3 instead. He carried that thing around and played with it all day and took it to my sisters with him when we went. When oldest called me today I could hear him playing with it then. Who knew a $2.50 little thing would entertain him so.

And there you have it. The horrible mom who is going to disappoint her kids update. I thought you all would like to know how disappointed they really were.

 

Someone We are Looking For

I posted an add on craigslist again just to fill in or do odd jobs like I posted before. I posted it with in the last week but had not really heard anything from it. I had two messages from it earlier in the week but they seemed like scams and were not local numbers. I did not even reply to them.

Today I was sitting at work and received a message. It said hi so and so I am Dave and I just rseen your add on craigslist and you seem like someone we are looking for. We need someone to do x, y and z. I assume you have reliable transportation?

I looked and it was a local number. I responded back that yes I had transpertation. He asked when I was available?

In my add I put i could work full time, part time or just fill in. So I ask him what he was looking for out of the three.

He said Monday through Friday 9-5. Its not 40 hours but most places are not giving 40 it is only 5 hours shy of it with no nights or weekends. I ask him where he was located and what kind of business it was. He said they have a store and are moble that they do sharpening. I wasted no time I ask him when we could meet in person and talk? This would be perfect job as for days and hours. He said I can come in Monday at 1. I will be there with bells on.

It is between my job now and my house. I live in land, the job is on the “island” and I work on the beach. You go across the island to get to my job. This is a lot closer so less drive time and less wear and tear on my car. Closer if I have to get a ride or take the bus as well. It is 5.5 miles from home vs. 13 or 15 miles one way.

I forgot to ask for an address and he didn’t give one either. This evening when I got home I looked up the business on line and found it. I wasn’t sure. But then it seems to be the only one over there. It is open the days and hours he said and they offer moble service. It says it is veteran owned that they are closed weekends and holidays. Just makes it even better. It said they started out out of their house kind of thing I guess but had such an overwhelming response that they ended up opening this location.

I have no idea how to dress seeing the kind of business that it is. I have next to nothing that fits. Everything is really big on me now. We are having some cooler days, nothing crazy don’t need a jacket yet. But your not melting walking from your house to the truck. I hope it is that way Monday, I have a nice top that didn’t fit I found the other day. I think I will wear that and my dark jeans. I just need to find a pair of shoes. I feel a nice pair of jeans will not be over dressed seeing the kind of business it is. But a nice top will be better than a t shirt. I figure they probably wear jeans and a company t shirt or polo and sneakers. So a top and jeans will be okay.

I think I sent my resume to this guy before but never heard anything back. But now he seen my add on craigslist and messaged me. Maybe just the way it was presented. I didn’t put my resume on line just wrote up an add. Who knows, I am just glad to have the interview and hope to get it. The only thing I know nothing about is the pay, I am hoping for $10 but figure it is going to be less. I do not want to get less than I am now that is $9 but I would take it even if it was only minimum at $8.25 if it seems like something that would work out and be lasting long term. Because it is set hours and days with no nights, weekends or holidays and it is 5 miles closer to home. Less travel time way less gas and a lot closer if I have to get a ride or take the bus. Very close to the bus if I had to go that route.

I hate the idea of having to tell them at my job now that I am leaving. I just this week was given halfway decent hours, but still working all weekend every weekend in order to have decent hours. I work 9 to 5 Friday-Sunday and 2 to close on Thursday. It should stay close to that after these new people train but I may end up with another closing day. I like it here but the always wanting you to be able to come in at the drop of a hat and the condescending way your talked to and the manager in general and the way him and the owner are never on the same page you never know where you stand because they both expect different things when doing the same job. You have to see who is here who is coming in and make sure you are doing things they want hope they both aren’t here at the sametime. Its stressfull. One tells you to do something and you do then the other don’t like it or what then your blamed because you didn’t do it “right” it was right it just isn’t now because the other complained and instead of owning up its pushed off you didn’t listen, you don’t know what your doing, you messed up it will be taken care of you will be talked to or were talked to. It comes down to the boss don’t want to do wjat the owner says and how he dont but then the owner gets mad it is dropped on us. The owner dont want to be here he dont want to hire deal with training a new manager so it just goes on.

Easter Sunday

Was just sitting here thinking about all I need to get done this week and work. It just hit me, I have to work pretty much all day Easter, so my kids will be spending it alone. I feel like shit, I have to leave here by 10:30 if I don’t get called in early and won’t get off until 7 or after. I guess I will get them up early and do baskets and an egg hunt with them before I go. Not sure what they will be having for dinner as I don’t want to leave oldest with cooking a big meal and trying to handle everything on her own.

This is why it is so hard for me to find a job that works between the kids and things. Even though this one has set days and hours and that works, when it comes to things like this it sucks. It wouldn’t be so bad if their fathers where in the picture and they could go spend the day with them or even if I was with someone and they were here or could be here or take them and do something with them. But to know that they already miss out on so much because I don’t have the money to take them places and do things and then to not be able to do something as simple as spend the holidays with them just makes me sick. I am sitting here crying now because it just fucking sucks. I am here doing what I am supposed to do and trying to do the right thing and do right by them and still can’t do the simple shit for them or with them.

I’m going to go to bed and try to sleep but I doubt that I will now after thinking about this and a dozen other things. I just feel like no matter how hard I try or what I do life just says FUCK YOU, it sucks being the only one your kids have for anything and everything because of things like this.

Merry Christmas 2016

I didn’t get in until let last night and was ready to go to bed before I ever got home so I didn’t make it on. I did try to get on from my phone and passed out.

I hope everyone had a good day and had a nice time with friends and family. Yesterday was the first Christmas me and the kids had that it was just us here at the house. I was surprised Father of the Year didn’t try to come over or show up really. But it was a nice morning. I didn’t get to go to sleep until about 6. Then I laid down on the love seat and went to sleep so that I would be out here when they came out and so that Little Bitty didn’t get up and start opening stuff without everyone else. My oldest got up first and sat here for a little bit waiting for the rest to get up. When they didn’t get up in a little bit she went back to bed. I thought she went to get them up and I fell back to sleep waiting on them. Then I heard Big boy get up and in a little bit Little Guy got up. I finally sent him to get the girls up.

They opened their stockings that was stuffed with their gifts from each other then they took turns picking gifts from under the tree and opening them. It was so much fun watching them open their stuff and watching them watch each other. They had as much fun watching each other open their stuff as opening their own I think.

I was disappointed because the big gift for my oldest or for them all never made it to my house and still hasn’t as of right now 310 the day after Christmas. The guy who helped my friend get it and swore it was no big deal he would be back Christmas eve to bring it over and help set it up never showed and didn’t answer calls or text all night. I can’t get it in my truck and have no one else to go get it. I still don’t know what happen he finally got a hold of my friend yesterday and still said he couldn’t do it until today. But now here we sit and no one has heard from him today yet. I feel bad because oldest was kind of disappointed because she got mostly colored pencils and art stuff. She asked for art stuff but I guess I miss understood what she was wanting so it wasn’t even really the right stuff. She didn’t get anything else she asked for. I have the basketball here but didn’t give it to her when the hoop never showed up. I didn’t want to tell her I still want to surprise her with it. I wanted to try and get it here yesterday when she went with her dad so I could give it to her when I got back and that didn’t happen. I guess one day it will get here hopefully before next year or I am moving. I don’t know anyone with a truck and don’t have money or a truck to get a trailer to get it right now.

They went with their dad about noon to see his parents and grandma and I got to get a little bit of sleep before I had to meet them back at my sisters to have dinner and things with them. I have to say over all the night went a lot better than I expected it to go with my mom and things.

The kids enjoyed their dad and time spent with family. We got home about 10 I think and the girls both went right to their beds and passed out. I had to make the boys go to bed at about 230 or 3 this morning. I had no idea it was so late dealing with stuff from earlier in the day and things. I thought it was about 10 and it was 1 then by the time I got done talking with the boys and doing things it was after 2. Then they kept wanting to stay up longer and things. Big boy has a been full of army men, couple tanks and a tent and My Little Guy got a been of 100 piece set of army men and a bunch of stuff to go with it. They had it set up all over in the living room floor. They cleaned up had all the little stuff in the bin with no lid. I dumped it all out and showed them how to pack it with the big stuff in the bin that closes and then just have 4 big things left in the little bin with no lid so if it spilled.

After putting them to bed I came to bed and passed out myself. It was a good day for the kids not so great day for me but at least the kids had a good time.

Our Thanksgiving Day

Today wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. We went out to dinner as I said in my other post. We were supposed to go when they opened so that we could get in and not have to wait forever. Well of course that didn’t happen with my mom. I think I finally ended up leaving and getting to the place about 130 pm. They put us on the list and said it was a 3 HOUR wait. The only other place close by said a 45 but no one wanted to go there. After about 45 minutes or so I went back they said it was an hour wait. I don’t know how it went from 3 hours to 45 minutes. In the mean time I am talking to everyone else who is taking their sweet ass time to get there. We got out of the truck and decided to go wait inside for our table. No sooner than we got to the building they were calling us. We went in to sit down and hey had us at two different tables one behind the other. That would have left me and the kids sitting alone why the rest of them ate together. I didn’t want that because the kids wanted to eat with their cousins, their dad and grandma. I ask if we could turn them around and push them together. They said no we couldn’t. I ask her if they had somewhere we could push the tables together. They didn’t at the moment. She said they could put us on the list and as soon as they had something come up they could put together they would let us know but it would probably be an hour. That was fine because I figured it would take the rest that long to get there. It was a matter of minutes and they were calling us back in.

We ended up sitting there forever waiting on them to come. I finally ordered the kids food right after they got it they showed up. We all finally ordered and ate. When we left there the kids wanted to go to the park so we did. The rest of them had to pee so they had to stop at their house on the way to the park instead of using the bathroom at the park. It was about dark when we got there, I got the kids out and we played at the park for a while. Father of the year and my mom came up, my sister decided to stay home because it was getting dark. They played in the park and then we went and walked around by the water and came home.

It was nice to not have to worry about who was cooking what and who’s house we are going to have it. Not haven’t to worry about my mom and all her ocd’s and don’t do this don’t do that, do this and do that’s. I was surprised she wasn’t worse when we were at the park or the restaurant eating. Although part of what took so long was she had to wash her truck down with bleach water because it had something on it. So they were washing the door handles, gearshift and all that kind of stuff.

Now we are home, the little kids are in bed and me and my oldest are staying up to see the 4 new shows of Gilmore Girls. I am starting to think this may not have been such a good idea. I agreed to this because I thought it would be on at midnight. Well it is on at midnight but not until midnight pacific time not our time. That means 3 am here. Then it is 4 shows that are 90 minutes long. I will not be in bed until after day light. The two little ones will have a full nights sleep on me. We still have another hour before it even starts. At midnight we started watching the last 6 shows of the last seasons. The dogs are ass-wholes if I haven’t said it before they just shit in the floor, didn’t ask to go out or anything just shit. I don’t know what has gotten into them lately.

If Your An Elk Member

If your a member of the Elks lodge in your area I just want to say thank you so much for what you do for the families in your area.

My oldest son started getting OT through the Elks clubs months back. They send someone here to our home to work with him a hour each week. It is so nice to not have another appointment to run to and the other kids to have to sit through. We just make sure we are home and she shows up.

In October they had a big camping trip for the families of the kids they help. We went and stayed at camp the kids stay at over the summer. We stayed in the cabins they stay in and met the staff that are always there and run things. It was very nice and a lot of fun for the kids and family. In the summer the kids and their siblings who are old enough to go will get to go and stay a week at the camp.

One day a few weeks ago she was here and I asked her if she had a family that could use some clothes. I had a bunch of new jeans and shorts I had just bought him the last few months he wore a few times and out grew. She took them. Later she texted and asked what size the kids wore and I told her thinking she wanted to know if she came across someone getting rid of stuff. Then she was talking to the kids about Christmas and what they wanted.

He last day with us until after the new year was last week. She said why he was working on his stuff that she would be off the next two weeks for the holidays but she would be back this week with a car load of stuff for us. I looked at her funny she said really I have a bunch of stuff for the kids. She said that’s why I asked about what their sizes were and things. She gives the club she is part of the names of the kids in her families and they shop for the kids.

She wasn’t kidding when she showed up she had a bunch of stuff for all the kids not just my son that she works with. She also gave me an envelope with a bunch of gift cards they all purchased and gave her to give us.

The kids were so surprised and blown a way when they seen all that they brought and gave them. They are so thankful as well. They are writing letters to her and the Elks club to let them know.

We always do for others and help when we can. We use to do toys for tots every year this year we decided to buy for a little boy we know who we didn’t know if he would have Christmas or not. His family is going through a hard time. They are always asking where they can take their old toys to or to help people we see who are homeless. My son will ask mom can I have some money to give that person he will go up give it to them and talk to them and things. I see things come around to us a lot here and there, some big some little things that I don’t think they really notice. It is mostly things that don’t have to do with them or them directly so they really wouldn’t. But for them to do this just for them really made their day.

They hadn’t ask for much this year just a few smaller things and nothing outrages or costly like they have in the past. Well if you don’t count the motorcycle or real reindeer my 4 year old ask for. That’s another post. The last two years we were homeless before and during Christmas. I think it really made them think about things and what really matters and that we can’t get a ton of things and larger gifts. Not only are we on a budget but we also have 4 of them to buy for. They asked for things they would really use not just because they seen it on tv or the kid down the street has one. We only do about 3 to 5 gifts each depending on what the “bigger” or “nicer” gift is they get. They get stuff from extended family as well so they still end up with a lot of stuff. But for them to have all the extra stuff under the tree this year was fun for them and nice. It was a nice change for once instead of something else not so good happening.

I just want them to know how much it meant to me and our family to receive such a blessing from them this year. To say thank you so very much. I can’t express enough how grateful we are or say thank you enough. It may not seem like such a big deal but like I said it was to the kids.

We were able to get something a little nicer for the little boy we decided to get for and do a little extra for him as well. Like she said when she gave me the envelope with the cards in it she knew we would be grateful and pay it forward and we did.

A Blessed Day

I hope that everyone has a very Merry Christmas and as blessed of a day/week we’ve had. It has been one of the best Christmases in a long time.

It has been a very busy week with last minute shopping and my little bitty being sick. Got to go to Christmas with the family right now but lots to fill you all in on hopefully tonight or in the morning. Probably in the middle of the night/early morning like most times after ever one gets to bed.

Can’t wait to watch one of the kids favourite shows with them when we get home.

Holiday Stress

I was talking to my mom yesterday on the phone and she was talking about Christmas. She is big on buying everyone something and making sure everyone gets a gift that comes. But complains how she don’t have the money to do it and how she dose so much for everyone. I said I can’t buy for all the adults I am buying for my kids, my nicse and nephew that was it. I said everyone among their family will take care of getting each other something in their house. Meaning that my sister and her husband and two kids should buy for each other and their kids and my brother as well. That everyone knows when we get together that most of us will just be buying for the kids. I tell everyone ahead of time don’t buy me anything take the money and put it with what they are spending on all the kids if they rally want to to buy me something. Because I can’t buy for the adults and I don’t feel right them spending money on me when I’m not buying for them. It don’t seem right. I do have family that buys nothing for no one at all not even kids but then talks about what everyone is going to give them or what they got wasn’t good enough. When we talked about doing a name swap with the adults and just buying one they complained about that and didn’t want to do it. I know for a fact that they could buy one gift for $5 or $10 with no problem or even spending that on each of the kids. They just don’t want to. They just want what everyone gets them and 90% of the time will even take it back to get the money. That isn’t how it is with me at all.

But if I try to buy for everyone in the family it is over 20 people with just my side. When me and father of the year were together ad his side of the family we had close to 60 people or more to shop for. Including my 4 kids. Even if I spent just $10 each that is $600. That would be just getting each of my kids one little $10 something and nothing else. I know it isn’t about the cost but I want to get my kids more than something little. Birthdays and Christmas is when they get nicer things they want. Through the year we don’t buy a lot of toys or extra stuff.

She says that there will be someone who gets nothing at all from their family at home or anyone else. Leaving them with getting nothing at all that day. She isn’t going to sit there why everyone gets stuff and they get nothing. I understand not wanting that to happen but at the same time there really isn’t anyone who would end up with nothing but the one person from above who never gets anyone anything to start with. And if that is the case then she could just get her something and leave it at that. It’s none of anyone’s business to question why she got her something and not anyone else or just her and the kids. If they do then her explanation is enough and to bad if they don’t like it.

Then she asked if me and father of the year was going to get anything for each other. I said no I have no reason to get him anything. She says see then he would get nothing that day. Not true he would get stuff from his mom and dad and from his brothers and their family. So he would get something.

If anything I would be the one that ended up not getting anything because we don’t get for each other and there is no one else that would get me anything if we all just shopped for the kids. Again not a big deal I am just happy that my kids are not homeless for Christmas like the last two years and that things look like they are going to work out and be a lot better for us in the new year. 

She proceeded to tell me that I need to suck it up and get him something because of the kids. That they don’t have money to get him anything or me and that he needs to get me something so that they don’t feel bad because they were not able to get us something. It isn’t right for us not to get each other something.

First off I always give the kids money and let them go shopping for him when it is Christmas, his bday, fathers day or whatever. Because guess what growing up I wasn’t allowed to to buy my dad stuff for those things because no other than my mom refused to give me even $5 to or take me shopping and I always felt like shit because I didn’t have money and couldn’t get him something. But my dad took us kids shopping every year and let us pick out something for each other, my grandparents, aunts, uncles and my mom. And that was all for her family because my dads family were not around we didn’t see or talk to them. After the first year or so I started getting him something too when we would go because I knew that my mom wasn’t going to help me get him anything. I felt bad him buying it and getting it then but I wanted him to have something when everyone else did because he did for everyone. My grandma would get him stuff sometimes too but I never knew if she had that year or not and I don’t know if it was from us too or not. I am sure it was meant to be.

It wasn’t just my dad it was my sisters dad when they got a divorce as well. She didn’t get her stuff for him or let her shop for him either.

But when she said it I thought wow really it’s ok when you do it but it isn’t for me to? She didn’t ask if I was letting the kids get him something she asked if I we were buying for each other. Buying for each other and letting the kids buy for the other are two different things.

I have always said for years that we adults should buy for each others birthdays if we want to get for each other. That way they are spread out over the year. We could get more meaningful gifts than just getting something to get it and because it was with in our budget per person.

To be honest there are a select few that I do not buy for either because we do not speak to each other any other time of the year but holidays and thats only if they decide to show up and spend it with the rest of the family. And the ones they do decide to show up for are the ones that they may get something for like Christmas or their bday. They are the same ones that I no longer have in my home and I know go around town spreading lies and roamers behind my back. Then try put on this show to my face and people who know both of us and know how things really are. Why would I want to spend money on them if I had it? Most the time if I do have extra to spend I don’t buy for them. To keep from having problems I give everyone else their stuff when they are not around or drop it at their house. My sister and I have talked about it before I am not the only one they do it to they do it to her and even my mom. But that is her child and their family so I understand to a point why she still wants to do for them and treat them the same everyone to get along. But she will even tell you how they do. Me and my sister feel about the same way and a lot of times she will do the same as me. Because we have always tried to buy for each other if we can. But if we can’t it isn’t a big deal and we still buy for the kids. Lot of times she will tell me I got this for your bday if we can’t get time alone and she got me something and not everyone else. Because my bday is the day after Christmas.

I hate to be that way but if it was anyone else in this world that did the things they did and treated the family the way they do no one would think twice about not having anything to do with them and think we were crazy if we did and ran out to buy them things. But because they are family we are supposed to just keep “forgiving and forgetting” I’m not like that after so many times it is old and you are no different than any of the rest of the people on this planet and I am not going to keep just over looking it. Just as I wouldn’t with anyone else.

I always try to get something for my mom, dad, grandma and grandpa when I buy the kids stuff. But other than that I don’t feel I should be made to feel guilty or like I am wrong for not buying for all the rest if I can’t or I chose not to because of the way things are between us. I truly know that deep down I am not wrong but still feel guilty at times when she goes on and on about how we don’t buy for everyone. It is stressful already trying to make sure the kids all have a good Christmas. The holidays have been a hard time of year already for me and my sister even before we had kids and all this to worry about as we lost our grandma the day after Christmas on my birthday when she was pretty young and I was 20. We were both very very close to her. Our grandpa and aunt passed with in a year and few months of her passing. Her husband and daughter. They were both very sick though Christmas and new years the following year after her being sick.

I think it is just a very emotional time of year for me and my sister. I know it is for me. Even though we don’t talk about it I think it is one reason deep down we try to get each other a little something and she will get it for my “birthday” to keep the peace with everyone else if she can’t or don’t get fro everyone else.

I don’t understand where everyone thinks that your supposed to all of a sudden get hundreds or thousands of dollars extra this one month out of the year to be able to buy for everyone. Why it isn’t enough to just take care of your family in your house and just be happy to get together and have a meal together as one big family. Why it has to be about who gets what or who buys for who and who don’t buy for who.

I guess it just really gets to me how it really is just all about getting than what Christmas is really about. The fact that it don’t seem to matter that that extra money for that gift might mean paying a bill or not that month. We should not be taking out of our house hold budget to be buying things for Christmas and we shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for not doing it. The fact that it bothers me and stresses me out as much as it dose. But again I think because I am already emotional about the time of year as it is. Some years are better than others.

The fact that I am even made to feel like I don’t get my kids enough or nice enough stuff. No I do not spend a ton of money on them but I do get them things that they ask for and things they need. Last few years we been on a tight budget of almost not able to get anything and was homeless. They all 4 got basically the something. They got these nice piggy banks they been wanting, a watch they all been asking for and a few other smaller gifts. They got a tablet, that me their grandma split the cost of. That was the three older kids. the baby got a bank and some toys that were for her age because she was to small for the other stuff.

I was told my mom I can’t believe thats all you got them a watch and a bank. There was comment made about getting the bank and not putting any money in it for them. The tablets I shouldn’t have gotten them. I should have spent it on something else. But my kids wanted the tablets they wanted the banks and they wanted the watches. I could have got them a bunch of toys and they would have been toss around the house or stuck in a closet and for gotten about. She got my 10 year old some kind of baby doll that you “teach” to walk and though it was so great. My 10 year old does not play with dolls she has hardly ever really played with dolls since she was very young. She knows this but this is what she felt she should have so she got it. My daughter just said thanks and it has been floating around the house not played with. I am supposed to do the same. just get what they should be playing with or she feels they should be playing with. Guess what they still have the tablets and use them well the one that didn’t get broke but it was accident. They still have their banks they put their money in all the time and save it to get the things they want and they still have their watches. They don’t use their watches as much but it was one of them things they decided wasn’t something they really would use as much as they thought. But that’s ok they got the chance to have them and decide that because they wanted them and I got them.

Sorry for the huge long rant. I never meant for it to get this long or become this I sat down to write something different and this is what I ended up with. Guess I just needed to get it out there. My mom is my mom and all but she is someone that I don’t like having contact with or being around. But I do to a point because of the kids and because of the rest of my family I do like being around. Yes I could just see them other times when she isn’t there skip the family get together but it makes it easier to deal with her and the others when everyone is together than one on one. The kids get to see her and them and spend time with them and I have others I can spend time with and talk to.