{March 30, 2020}   Here and Healthy

I haven’t been on in awhile, with all that is going on with this virus and everything closing things have been crazy. 3 out of 4 kids ended up with the flu. Not sure how me and Mr.9 did not get it (knock on wood) but I am happy we haven’t. Everyone who had it is over it now and going stir crazy.

We are under some kind of stay home order, I don’t really know the details. I have to go to work and am the only one who drives and able to get us stuff so life is pretty much normal for me. We haven’t been going out on the weekends. Everything is closed as for entertainment. People are still going fishing, to the beach, boating and other outdoor things.

I go to work shop once a week and go see my boyfriend after work and before I go if I have time. We get lunch or dinner and go to the little store. Everything to eat is take out nothing is open to eat in. We get it take it to work or back to his place.

The kids are getting set up to start school on line come Monday. That should be loads of fun with a 1st grader. I think Mr. 9 should be okay. They have packets they could pick up and do but I already did this. If it don’t work i am just going to tell them we need to change things. They say schools are going to go back the 15th of next month. I don’t believe it. I think if they were they would of just sent some packets home not set this whole online thing up. Not for what 15 days or less. Why go through all that trouble for a few days? I don’t know depending how things work out they may just start homeschooling with the older two. Little Bitty can’t wait to start hers online tomorrow. She wants to keep doing hers at home. I just may if my job works out.

{February 17, 2020}   Re:Maybe Found A Place

I went and looked at that place and it was a mess. There was a puddle of water in the floor by the sliding door, half the place needed some kind of floor put in. The walls at the floor were a mess coming apart and things all through it. There was water damage on the roof all through it. The stove and fridge looked like they came from the trash.

The other the lady is still in but he gave me the address and said I could drive by. It did not look like it was in any better shape than what I just seen.

The office said they didn’t have anything that wasn’t thousands down and thousands more over the next so many years. They want $30,000+ for these old 20 + year old places that have been redone. You can get a brand new one set up on your lot for around $49,000 i seen the other day.

I would go do that had I not tanked my credit score with my student loans a few months ago. It was up high enough I could of probably done it with little to no issues.

Back to looking for now. Jw’s friend told him about one but its in a really bad area of town. Like I told him I have to leave my kids here at night and things. Even with camera’s i don’t feel it is safe. So i can see someone coming in my house or messing around it but I am 25 miles a way. Cops here take as long to get there as it would me to get there so that is useless.

{September 13, 2019}   Shelter In Place

I drop the little kids off at school and ran oldest to the store before I headed out. I was going to run to the store to pick up lunch and stop to get my coffee of course. I wasn’t in a rush I had an hour and half before I had to be at work.

As I left I seen a sheriff car pass me and go toward the school. I thought it was a little odd because we are in city limits and it would be local police that would go. But I figured no big deal there could be any number of reasons it was going and went on. Not thinking anymore of it at that point.

I went picked up my coffee and headed to the store for lunch. I got my wrap made and picked up a half gallon of tea. I got to work a little early was thinking about eating a little of my lunch and getting my day started. I pulled in the guys were here getting ready to leave. I thought they would of been gone but they weren’t. One was on the bus the other was in the office. I opened up put things away and got ready for the day. I went to sit down and check the phone when I pulled my phone out of my pocket and notice I missed a text.

I read it and it said that the kids school had been put on a shelter in place but it was over and they were going on with normal day. They said there had been a threat made online against the school.That is great they checked things out but who is to say that nothing is going to happen later in the day or as the kids are getting out of school?

The one came out of the bathroom and said he was leaving. I said so am I, I have to go get my kids. He said what your leaving too? I said yes but just for a little bit. I will probably be about 10 minutes late. I told him what I got on my phone. He said he would call Pops and tell him to come in. I told him if he wanted but we should be okay. He said he was going to call him. We walked out and I locked up we all left.

He asked if I they were going to give them to me or I was going to be able to get them? I said I don’t know what they are going to do or say but I will be getting them. I got all the way home and to the school and noticed I walked out and left my purse at the office and of all days my drivers license. I remembered I had a picture of it on my phone. I hoped they would let me pick them up with that. They let me get a pass to eat with them and everything with it. I figured they were already going to give me a hard time about checking them out and then tell me because of it all I had to have it not a picture. But I got there and just told them I needed to check out this one and that one and they called them to the office pulled their paper and had me sign it. They never asked me for my license at all. I was not sure how I felt about that but when I told her and she was getting their papers she called them by last name and knew who they were. I think they know me as well since we have been there every day for the last two years.

I don’t know what to think. My first reaction was to go get them then I thought no everything will be fine. But then I thought about how scared my little one was and how much the drill upset her last year and I didn’t want her sitting there knowing they thought something was going to happen or was. I thought I know most nothing is going to happen but what if I don’t bring them home and it does happen? I would rather be safe than sorry.

The kids were all excited to see me and ran up to give me a hug. They were asking why I was picking them up. I asked them what they did so far today and they said school work and telling me what they done. I said did you have a drill or something like that. They said they sheltered in place but it was just a practice like all the other times. I told them no that it wasn’t just a drill that they had a threat something might happen at the school and I decided to bring them home for the day.

Mr. 8 said oh thank you mommy you are so good for worrying about us and trying to keep us safe. I am glad they weren’t worried or scared. But at the same time I think they should know in case something happened they would know what to do.

Sitting here at work thinking about and for some reason a flood of three conversations that were had here at work came rushing into my thoughts out of no where. One me and Pops had maybe the same day or just a day or two before the other two. They were had on the same day. Me and Pops was talking about different people being on drugs and things like that. His daughter has a problem too. We were talking about how they think they have everyone fooled and no one knows they work and do this or that and that they are functioning addicts.

The other was a conversation that me and Bff had one day I was here at work, I was talking to her on the phone. The guys were here and they heard me tell her that who and what we were talking about I didn’t even want to talk about because it just made me to mad and that I didn’t want to see that person or talk to her if I did it wouldn’t be good.

Later we were here and the one ask me about it and if everything was alright or what. I told him yes it was just this girl that we knew and how she was doing her kid and can’t or don’t take care of him dumps him and things like that. He asked me who she was he said it sounded like someone he knew of going through the same thing with a baby. I told him he said no her name is whatever but she is having same kind of problem or what.

For some reason these three conversations all came flooding back to me just now sitting here. I thought yeah because they are functioning addicts. Then I had the though are they really functioning addicts if all they have going for them is they have a job? How functioning does one have to be to be considered functioning or low or far gone does one have to be before they are just considered addicts?

I mean if you have a job but that is all you have, other than that your sleeping on couches and staying here and there or where ever. Are you really functioning?

The other I don’t know what you would consider her, she isn’t even functioning if you ask me. She can’t keep a job, always fighting with her family and getting kicked out, this guy in and out and running around with this one and that one. The only thing she has is she tries to play mom and fails horribly at that.

Then you have the other who works but I don’t know how much or how good she is at keeping a job. But she is on and off with her boyfriend all the time and dragging people in and out of her parents house all the time. She takes care of them and things so she is functioning more than the other two probably, maybe. I don’t know her good enough to make any kind of call really I have only met her once or twice I think. Just what I was told during conversations here and there.

So what is the difference in functioning addict and an addict?

{March 29, 2019}   Felt Like I Could Go Home

I wanted to eat something when I left work last night and headed home. I was going to stop a few places but they were all busy. I didn’t feel like waiting so I just kept going to the next as I made my way closer to home. I ended up past my house and kept going. I didn’t feel like going home either so I wasn’t in a hurry or anything. I ended up going north of me to where I lived with RC and the kids. Stopped up there to get something to eat.

I drove by the apartments that we lived in, I could seen our old place the light was on outside it was quite around there. It felt like I could just pull in there park and go home and everyone would be there and everyone would be happy and life would be normal.

It just felt so comforting it was a very weird feeling. I go by there all the time when I am up there and it seems hard to even believe we ever lived there before much less like going home.

I was telling Bff about it today and I almost cried. I don’t know why. She has asked me before if I would take him back if he ever came back around and wanted to get back together. But I couldn’t do that to much involved and to much at stake.

{October 11, 2018}   Bff’s Truck

I talk to Bff tonight about what the guy from the lot told me about hers and that it was up for repo. She said the guy stop by the shop and talk to old boss today and they worked a deal and it is coming off the list. She said she is supposed to get it back tomorrow. I had told her not to be driving it around and leaving it going in places and things. That the guys that have the job are not people we know like Starfish who wouldn’t do it or who would just go to the house tell her and pick it up. They will just snatch it why she is in the store, school or where ever. The fact old boss has been hiding it you can’t blame them there. But when it was going up before me and him were doing them old boss didn’t know it was up for repo. He thought they wouldn’t do that to them. But you just can’t not pay on things. We told her what was about to happen to her truck and her daughters car. He told her we were not taking the job so they would have to find someone to do it. She said please just take it so we made the money and so that we could just come to the house not get it why she was out or leave her daughter stuck somewhere. We wouldn’t of done that anyway. Even if we had to of taken it why she was out we would of made sure they got home. I would of taken them in my truck after we dropped the other at the lot. But we would of only taken it when they were out had he tried to hide it like now. Still they would of gotten home. We always tried to go at night after work when people are normally home. One it is easier to just pull up to the address and get it than try to race to this place or that in hope’s of getting there before they leave. And it don’t leave them stuck somewhere. Sucks when they get up to go to work or school and it is gone but better to be stuck at home. We only went to get one or two from places other than home that was because we could never catch them home or they moved did not tell them. So then we went to their jobs and the store where the gps said the car was. But they had left by the time we got there and gps only picks up at set times or something. So it takes awhile to get a hit or the gps place only scans for hits every so often or something so using the gps made it hard.

But I told her so she knows. Hope boss really talk to the guy and fixed things but you never know. Like everything else he says whatever will keep him out of trouble with whoever is infront of him at the time. Not my problem anymore. I told her so she can be on the lookout not get stuck. I know she will not say anything. She has figured out things are going on she don’t know about and that people are trying to watch out for her and the kids and that she can’t say anything or all hell is going to break lose all over. That she will be in the dark again no one will help or give her a heads up about anything and that it could cause problems for us.

{August 10, 2018}   2.5 Hours In

I am 2.5 hours into my day and I am so tored I can’t stand it. All I can think is please God let me get off at 2 and be able to take a nap. I didn’t sleep until after 2 last night and was up by 730 and at work by 9.

I unplugged everything and turned the lights and air on. I need to be mopping and can’t force myself up to do it. I am cold amd being tired just makes it worse. Oh shit I forgot the phone. Well I just went to lock the door so I could go to the bathroom and get the phone in the back. I had not turned the open sighns around or unlocked one of the doors. I still have to put chairs and tables out too. I have walked around them for the last hour or more and never thought about it until just now. Guess I better go see what else I forgot. This is the one job I rather not lose.

{June 11, 2018}   Torn, To Help or Not To Help

I got off and met Bff at the store last night. They decided to go get milkshakes after. I wasn’t going to but decided to go with them. I wish I hadn’t it took forever and it wasn’t that good. They were very slow getting our food and things out to us.

While we were waiting to order I messaged Starfish, I seen he was online. It was late so I asked him wasn’t it past his bedtime? He said no because he didn’t have a bed or home. I asked him what he meant no home? I knew he was sleeping on the couch but what was going on? He said he got stuck down south at his brothers his moms husband was bitching about the shower and she told him he couldn’t come back he had to get out.

I said just get home get the shower done she will let you come back. He said he had no way and no way to work today either. His brothers car had broke down. I was tired of waiting on the food and things where i was. I said I wanted to go home he said him too. I said I’m sorry.

He said thats okay I see who has my back when I fall. I said what’s that mean? I was kind of mad because I thought it was aimed at me. I again trying to help. He said nothing to do with you. I said okay and told him my truck still isn’t fixed. If it was I would give him a ride.

We finally had finished and could leave. I picked my truck up and came home. He hadn’t said anything to the last few things I sent so I asked what he was doing. He never answered. I figured he was sleeping. I fell a sleep.

This after noon Little Bitty was playing on my phone for a bit I was napping. I didn’t hear the messages. I got the phone back had one from him and one from work. The one from him had been there about 10 minutes and he wasn’t on line.

He said he was leaving this world. I told him no he wasn’t to stop it and call me what was going on? I tried call him a few times. He finaly got a hold of me about 5 hours later. He said he was trying to find a way home he is going to get fired if he didnt get to work in the morning. I tried to borrow Bff’s truck to go but she is going out of town. I don’t know anyone else to ask. She asked why I just told her I needed to go down there for a little bit.

I finally talked to my Good Friend and he said I could take mine just to check all the fluids and take it easy. But I have not been able to get Starfish since. I ask him earlier what time he had be there he said 10 but he had no work clothes with him. He not been on since. I could leave here around 8 something go get him take him to work or to get clothes then work. But we would be getting to his place for clothes at 930 or close so he would be 1030/11 getting to work. But I don’t think I can get there any sooner. He hasn’t answered rather he has found a ride yet.

I feel I should go help him but I don’t at the same time. I don’t know why I am so torn. Other than I think maybe I am worried what I may say. I don’t know if I am ready for that. But I have been feeling more and more like I want to tell him. I just don’t know.

{November 22, 2017}   What They Are Thankful For

Every year this time my kids have to do their Fall Writes on what they are thankful for. My youngest and oldest had me in tears with what they wrote right in the start of their papers. I had to share.

This is my oldest son 12 years old.



This one is my Little Guy 7 years old


This is my oldest daughters 13 years old

{November 4, 2017}   Room For Rent

I am thinking about packing up and cleaning out the back room and renting it out. I could use the extra money it would be great but at the same time I just don’t know. I could get around $400 to $600 a month for it that would pay half or more of my rent a month. The room is big enough you could put a bed and dresser in one half and have the closet maybe a desk even depending how you set it up. The other half you could put a couch, tv, coffee/end table and have a decent set up. It is about one and half times the size of a normal bedroom. so probably about 325/400 sq ft., it also has two door that lead outside. One onto my carport and one into the back yard. So they could have their own private entrance for guest and things they wouldn’t have to bring them into the house if they didn’t want too. My big hang up is that we would have to share the kitchen, bathroom and laundry room. I could careless about the laundry room it is on the carport they don’t have to come into my house to use it. But the kitchen and bathroom they do have to come in my house to use.

That means they are in and out of my house anytime day or night and rather I am here or not. I wouldn’t have a problem with it if it was just me but I have the kids here and have to worry about them being here in the house with my kids when I am not home and at night when we are all sleeping. I do not really know anyone looking for a room to rent so I can’t very well rent it to someone I already know.

My friend thinks I should clean it up and rent it to the guy from the shop that I was talking to because he will pay and he wants out of where he is now because it isn’t what he thought it was going to be when he moved in or what he was told. He was told what he was paying would include food, bills and all that. They hardly have any food in the house if any and the lights and things are going off or about to go off and they are wanting more money to keep them on because they have spent what he gave them. She thinks I could trust him around the kids, he is good with kids, has kids of his own and likes kids. I think he is fine and there would be no problem. But I just don’t trust anyone anymore no matter what it is about. I think maybe if I found a single women or a single women with a kid then maybe that would work and be better but I don’t know that I would trust them any more or as much even. I just don’t get along with women very much.

But if I could figure out how to make this work in finding someone that I felt okay with putting back there it would be great. Because that would mean I could work part time maybe 25 hours a week and still be able to make it. I wouldn’t have to worry about working full time and going to school next term and could relax a little this term if I could get them in there in the next week or so. It is just so hard when you have kids. I had roommates a few times after moving out both times guys and had no problems. But they were friends or friends and their family that I had known forever and trusted. I would trust them now if they needed a place to stay but they don’t. We all have moved on gotten older and have families and different lives now.

My friend so make it a month to month thing or something like that, so if it don’t work out I can hopefully get them out pretty easy. But I am not worried about that really because like I told her I will sit their shit out change the locks. simple and done. If they want to fight and take me to court they can but most are not going to do that they are just going to move along. It would cost them money and time that they don’t have. They just want the place to stay until it runs out then they move on. I don’t want to get someone like that in here either. I want whoever that wants to move in to try it for a month to start then see if it is a good fit for everyone then agree to stay for the next 6 to 8 months, June however far away that is.

Just have to do a lot of thinking and figuring things out. My mom is still here but supposed to be going to my sisters house for a little bit. I think that she should be there for a few months and have her money by then. I am think I am going to tell her she can’t come back here she needs to take her money and get something else. If I rent my room out I am sure she isn’t going to want to live here with someone else here too and will not like it and have a fit or say she isn’t living here being here with someone she don’t know blah blah. But you know what that is on her because they are not anything to do with her. If she don’t like it oh well to bad then. Move on no one ask you to live here or wants her to live here anyway. If she don’t want to come back because of that or has something to say about that then that is on her not me. But I don’t care if it is on me it is no secret that I don’t want her here, don’t want to help her, or what because of the way she is. I just have to figure out how to find someone to rent the room, that I am going to be okay with.

And as far as bathrooms go I have two one in the hall and one in my room, me and the kids could share the one in my room and give whoever the one in the hall even so they wouldn’t have to really share a bathroom either. But they would still have to come into the house to use it and still have to come in to use the kitchen.

This just seems like the fastest and easiest way to fix my problem of paying the bills and having the money I need. Be able to go to school take classes at the school do another internship next semester and do online classes and work part time. I just need to figure out how to make it work just breath and find someone I can trust and pray for the best I guess. Maybe I will ask around to friends and see if anyone knows anyone that is looking.

et cetera
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