{December 8, 2020}   We Made A Plan

One day last week was when I was talking to Sleeping Beauty and figured out what was really wrong. I haven’t gotten to talk to JW about it as of yet. But we did get together Sunday. I went to get him so he could go shopping and things.

He was still sleeping when I got there so I laid down with him. In a little bit he woke up we spent some time together. We finally got up got ready and left. I went to this little out of the way store to check it out and when we left we wanted a drink. I stopped at a little store but then thought lets go get something to eat. I just wanted to sit down have a talk. I was either way didn’t matter to me if we ate or not. So I ask him if he wanted to go eat he said yes. So we didn’t even get a drink we headed down a few blocks to go eat. He seen a car show wanted to go. He wanted to eat first. So we went in to have breakfast.

I think he brought up trying to find a place to move together. He was talking local. I told him I didn’t want to do that anymore. That I didn’t feel it was best at this point. He looked funny and kind of worried.

I have been looking since the first of the year to find something with no luck. Now I am 3.5 months or so from my lease being up. Even if we found something by the first I am so close to my lease being up it don’t make since to have that fight with getting out of my lease. AND if we get into a lease right now we will be in it for a year. Meaning moving away is put on hold again. My big reason for not wanting to do it. If we didn’t we would be leaving on another lease that would be two back to back and that would not look good.

I asked him did he still want to move up by his kids? He said yes he would like to. I told him I think I need to at this point suck it up stay where I am and when my lease is up at the end of March we need to get out of here. He wasn’t looking to sure about that. I told him I can have between $8,000 and $10,000 by then. Plus I have money every month coming in. We can go get a place pay rent up a few months what I have coming in monthly will pay bills. If he saves between now and then we will have that money as well. We talked about him moving in with me after the first that will save over $1000 right there. I am thinking about finding a 2nd job after Christmas until we go. I can put all that in the bank and not touch it. He already works all day everyday Monday-Saturday so no time for him to get another job.

I hope he don’t make an excuse or something when the time comes. I have made my mind up I am going with or without him. If he does me that way. I will just call my friend J and tell her get ready make room we are on our way and go to South Carolina instead of Georgia. It don’t matter to me where I go as long as I am out of here.

But I think he is onboard he even said he think it be best because we can’t afford to live here. He wanted to keep rent $1000 or under. Last few times we talked he was like I told so and so if he seen anything for $1300 or less. But really we are going to have to pay at least $1500 a month if we stay here. He is starting to see how it is because I have been looking at places to live up around where we are looking to go and i can still find decent stuff in the $800 range. New and a lot nicer than where we are right now. If we went for something in the $1000 range we can get a huge place. Enough room no one can complain. For $900 to $1000 I can get 5 bedroom. I would like for the kids to have their own rooms.

I feel good we have a plan because like I told him if we don’t decide this is what we want to do when we want to go how and when all we are ever going to do. Until we are stuck here with no money and homeless because we can’t afford anything. Rent has went up $500 since January. I can’t imagine what it will be here by March when my lease is up. They are getting $800 for a bedroom in someone’s house. It is unreal how bad it has gotten.

I think I said it somewhere in the last week or so in another post but I don’t know what one or where. But I still can not justify not moving away in my mind. I have tried and tried and I thought okay when I find something and get into a better place and things I will be able to. But I am looking and there is nothing out there better that isn’t $1200+ a month. And even then it isn’t much better than where I am.

I just keep thinking I could move up by J and find a job making as much as or more than what I make at both my jobs put together right now and pay half what I am in rent for a nicer place. Or even if I paid as much as I am now I would have one job, decent hours, and a much nicer place. I would be out away from things not right on top of the person next to me. I would get to see my kids, spend time with them and do things. I wouldn’t be struggling. I would have help with things and the kids. I could have a break once in a while. The kids would have friends and family to do things with and spend time with and grow up with. We wouldn’t sit alone on the holidays and weekends all the time. We could have parties and do things again.

Yesterday on the way to my night job I seen a rent sign so after work I picked JW up we went to eat and I decided to drive by there. We found the house and it looked nice and was in a nice area. It didn’t say anything about the house just hat it was for rent and the name of the company to contact. I googled the address and pulled it up and they want over $1200 a month for it. It was three blocks from the school around the corner from a park and ball field. In a older quite little area.

This morning I picked him up and we were talking on the way to work and things. Something was said about being here and things I told him, I hate it here, I can’t stand it here I want away from here so bad it isn’t even funny. He asked me why I never left. I told him I was set up to when my dad got sick and I paid my money out to be here and take care of him and everything happen the way it did. That Father of the Year pulled the crap he did and I have struggled the last few years to get decent job or jobs and finally be able to again. He just said oh.

I said I have nothing here, I have no one here really. I don’t see my family hardly at all, I have bff but she can’t be counted on for anything. She is just someone to talk to and hangout with she can’t be counted on to help in anyway. Even when she says she will she don’t . He said you have me. I told him I know that isn’t what I meant and not the same.

He keeps saying that it is all going to be different things will be better when I get moved I am just stressed and things. That he is there to help.

But like I told him, okay but still I am way over paying to live in a dump or maybe a step up from a dump, working my ass off to keep it and struggling. I can’t have anything else because i am just getting by still and I still can’t see my kids and we still hardly get to see each other. Even if we are living together. He is working over 60 hours a week and I work 60. I haven’t been working my full 60 the last month or so I have been so depressed and stressed and the mess going on with my teeth. But I have to get back at it right a way. Then I am off the weekend for what he works 10 hours or more on Saturday then Sunday we have things to get done and the day is over.

I know life isn’t perfect we have to work we have to pay bills and things. But I also know that there are places where rents are not a million dollars a month and jobs pay more than $8 an hour. The cost of living isn’t going to be perfectly balanced but it isn’t going to be so far out of balance that you can’t drive a block down the rode without seeing 10 homeless people laying or sitting around on every corner sometimes 10 on two out of 4 of the corners all through the town. Or a junkie sitting on the bench looking like she is one hit away from ODing. It wasn’t like this when I was growing up. It really wasn’t. We had bad areas of town there was a few homeless that would pass through or what. But there wasn’t families begging for a place to live and sleeping in their cars and in the woods and begging for tents and food and things. Rents were normal price. The cost of living wasn’t perfect but it wasn’t so far out of sorts that you had no hope of finding anywhere to live either. There was always places at decent prices and people willing to work with you if you needed the extra to get in or what. You could rent a place and go in a fix it up yourself and not have to pay deposits and things. People helped people.

Now everyone is struggling so much they can’t help if they wanted to because they can hardly help their self and working their self to death trying to just survive. There is so much I want to do and would love to do to get involved in my community and things and I can’t because I am working so much just to get by.

I broke today I told him but it isn’t going to be better when I move. I am going to still be struggling and working all the time. Even if we are living together we are still going to be working our asses off just to get by and still not have money to save in case something happens or have anything at the end of the day. That is if I can find a place at all. I am searching and begging for a place to live and somewhere that is decent and finding nothing. I’m going to pay the same as I am now or more to live in a worse area and in a house in as bad a shape as mine or worse.

I don’t understand why everyone is okay with this. I don’t understand why no has a desire to do better have better or want more. Why are they all just okay with working their asses off and not having anything and living in dumps in bad areas of town? Why are they not trying to have or do better. Why do they do things that just leaves them in the same spot they are already in instead of trying to do better?

Like Bff only has to pay $375 rent, lights and water. She went and got a truck payment, she wants to go get jet ski and a boat and all this other stuff. But she is always borrowing money from her mom and another friend of hers. She is two months or more behind on her rent. Then says but it is because….. Not it isn’t because. It is because she waste her money. All while she is complaining because her house is falling down around her. It needs a roof, floors and walls fixed because the roof has leaked so much. It needs the bathroom done because it never was and a few other things. She has someone that will help her get most of it done it will just cost supplies and she talks about how she don’t have the money to do it. but she has paid someone elses way for a year and making a truck payment and going away for fun for the weekend getting motel rooms and spending money out all the time. For her and this other person and the kids.

She had over $20,000 she got from a settlement and it was gone in less than a week. She didn’t catch bills up or anything like that. She could of fixed her house and bought a decent car or truck that she did not have to make payments on. But instead she is fine with living like she is and not having anything. Then cries because she works about 45 hours a week or so. That is to much but she don’t make enough and she is always taking off and missing work to go play around or just because.

I work my ass off and can’t catch a break. Like Jw well things will be better and when we are together and move in together. We still are not going to be that much better off if I quite one job we aren’t going to be any better off we are going to be right where we are now. That is my goal and what I want to do with in the next 8 months or so is be in a spot where I can carry everything and only work one job. Still be able to have things and do things. As long as I am here I dont’ see that ever happening and I hate it here. Honestly he is the only thing I have here and reason I have to stay and honestly it isn’t enough to make me do it this time. I care about him, I love him, I want us I want to see where this goes but I don’t want to struggle and live like this the rest of my life to have it. If living like this and struggling like this from now on not seeing my kids hardly is what it cost to have us it cost to much. I need peace of mind and happy for me and my kids. We are going to have to really talk because even if I stay the year to see how things go with us and give it a chance rather it is going good or not I still want out of here so we aren’t living like this.

It is only going to get worse because they are getting ready to build all these new apartments around us and houses and things and the space center is about to take off again and some other places coming in and a ton of people moving here makes the rents go up even more. And everyone thinks it brings jobs and things to the area but it really don’t. it brings highly qualified and special skilled and trained jobs to the area and most all of them are filled by people from other states coming here to transfer. It really don’t help our area out much at all.

Apartments here are going for $1400 and up. 1 bedrooms are going for $1000, rooms for rent in someone’s house with no kitchen access and things are going for $500 and up. I told him last night I am looking at houses for rent and sell. They are the same ones I looked at about 12 years ago for rent and sell. They were beautiful inside and out looked like new. They were getting almost half the price they are now then to rent them. The ones that are for sell are selling for just over what they were selling for then or doubled or more in price. But now they are trashed, they have not been kept up, they have not been taken care of painted or anything like that they are 12 plus years older with nothing done to them and they want all this extra money for them. When they looked like brand new I could rent them or buy them for next to nothing and they are in decent areas.

Everyone I know is moving, I had a friend move a few months ago, another one moving in a couple weeks, others getting things in place to go. They all say you can’t live here it is to far gone and over priced. One is going to New York and has a nicer place and a much better paying job doing the same things they were doing here. They will have money to save and not struggle to get by. Everything is waiting for them when they get there. The others went to Georgia and are doing so much better they went from a trailer to a house and land and paying almost the same as they were here. The medical and things up there are much better as well. Like my friend J in south Carolina said she is getting all kinds of medical things she needed taken care of done up there because she can afford to pay for medical now and they have places that help you if you can’t or what you can’t cover.

Sitting here at work thinking about and for some reason a flood of three conversations that were had here at work came rushing into my thoughts out of no where. One me and Pops had maybe the same day or just a day or two before the other two. They were had on the same day. Me and Pops was talking about different people being on drugs and things like that. His daughter has a problem too. We were talking about how they think they have everyone fooled and no one knows they work and do this or that and that they are functioning addicts.

The other was a conversation that me and Bff had one day I was here at work, I was talking to her on the phone. The guys were here and they heard me tell her that who and what we were talking about I didn’t even want to talk about because it just made me to mad and that I didn’t want to see that person or talk to her if I did it wouldn’t be good.

Later we were here and the one ask me about it and if everything was alright or what. I told him yes it was just this girl that we knew and how she was doing her kid and can’t or don’t take care of him dumps him and things like that. He asked me who she was he said it sounded like someone he knew of going through the same thing with a baby. I told him he said no her name is whatever but she is having same kind of problem or what.

For some reason these three conversations all came flooding back to me just now sitting here. I thought yeah because they are functioning addicts. Then I had the though are they really functioning addicts if all they have going for them is they have a job? How functioning does one have to be to be considered functioning or low or far gone does one have to be before they are just considered addicts?

I mean if you have a job but that is all you have, other than that your sleeping on couches and staying here and there or where ever. Are you really functioning?

The other I don’t know what you would consider her, she isn’t even functioning if you ask me. She can’t keep a job, always fighting with her family and getting kicked out, this guy in and out and running around with this one and that one. The only thing she has is she tries to play mom and fails horribly at that.

Then you have the other who works but I don’t know how much or how good she is at keeping a job. But she is on and off with her boyfriend all the time and dragging people in and out of her parents house all the time. She takes care of them and things so she is functioning more than the other two probably, maybe. I don’t know her good enough to make any kind of call really I have only met her once or twice I think. Just what I was told during conversations here and there.

So what is the difference in functioning addict and an addict?

{October 2, 2018}   Tried Everything

I have tried everywhere and everything across three states and can’t get help anywhere. Not sure how much I have told you. One place even tried to push me into saying I had a substance abuse problem. Now or at some point in my life. If I did they would be willing to offer all kinds of services. But along with what other can of worms that I don’t need to bring on myself at this point in time or ever with my kids. At what expense do those services come or is one willing to pay for them?

I called housing places all I get is fill out an application and mail it in. I can’t go sit down and talk to someone, I can’t even call in and ask questions. I called to ask questions she said let me put you over to our hotline to amswer those for you. It is a recording and don’t answer any of the questions. Call back she rude well call this cant get anyone. I just cried today. Sat here at work and cried. Pull it together to get customers in and out.

{September 30, 2018}   Homeless

I was sitting here before work and got a phone call. It was from PeterPans boss. I figured he wanted to meet up to give me the money he got from him. It is not the first but we do not have anymore Friday’s before then. Monday is the first they will be working and things.

Boy was I wrong and shocked. He said he was calling me to let me know he wasn’t able to bring me money because there was none to bring. Says PeterPan has hardly worked this month and what he did take out he came back and got to pay his lights. Told him to tell me to take him to court if I wanted money.

I broke down on the phone right there. Told him thanks for nothing that he promised me that now I was going to be homeless with 4 kids. That I told him my hours had been cut I was counting on this. I told him my bank was over drew to pay my lights and car insurance and that i needed some of that money to pay rent that I had nothing at all now. The people I rent from will not work with me. They do not care. Houses all around me are going for way more they can put me out get $100s more a month. I can not wait for them to file an eviction on me or I will never be able to get something.

He said he is starting to see how he is he didn’t know what to tell me. He said I need to go to court and file against him.

This is to a T what I said would happen. He would take it out but as soon as he said I am short I need it he would give it back. No no it wouldn’t be that way. First payment was $50 short and excuses and now here we are 2nd payment anx I am not even getting that. I do have to say I am a little surprised because I figured he would at least wait until 4 to 6 months in before he did it not to look like an ass. But nope here we are payment number 2 and this is what he has done. Crazy as hell.

I am not sure what we are going to do everything is due this week and I do not have it. I told my mother when I got home and she done nothing but tell me how we need get by until she gets her settlement work something out but not here go get something. Yeah not here because then she can say it is her place everyone do what she says. I told her I was not living with her forever. Then it was how i cant do it on my own never have how much she has paid. If she paid so much i would not be stuck like i am now i have money. Things would not be behind. That I have to do what I have to do even if it means all living together. So kids will have a place.

She done nothing but start shit talk to me like shit since i told her. I am done with her this is not what I need right now. She keeps on what am I going to do blah blah. I told her just foundout nothing is open til monday nothing i can do until then.

I was supposed to go to work this evening for few hours. I have done nothing but cry since I found out. I didn’t go. I been trying to figure out what to do.

My cousins want me to come to GA and NC. I told Bff, I have sat at her house and cried most the day. But I told her I think I am going to call the one in NC tell her what is going on and ask her if I can stay with her if I come there. See if she will help me get places that will help me and the kids and stay until they get things set up. Her and my friend say rents are cheaper and that they have help that will help single parents so they can get back on their feet and do it on their own. She said she gets help with rent lights and water. That she is doing good still next year there is a program that helps you buy a house. She will be able to do that. Even if I didn’t get all the help she gets rents and things are cheaper there. But she has one kid gets a lot of help so I should get some with 4. If I can go there where things are cheaper and get a little help, in 6 months to a year I shouldn’t need help.

Told Bff I am telling my mother me and the kids are going to stay with her. That in December the park said they would have a trailer that I could rent. That until then we will be at bff’s. Because if I tell her I am leaving going there she will pull everything she can to keep me here. She will go to PeterPan to get him to file papers against me to keep me here. Or like she threatens to call DCF she will and then I can’t go until they decide to close the cas and that is 30 days at the least and could be more if they want to play games. She will start i cant go on a trip like that in my truck, i cant go with no money, we can’t make that trip alone, we can’t go up there stay with them what they are or how they are and call every few minutes if we do leave. I told her she has to go by next weekend. That i did too. Im let her go and let her think we are going over there. Then just take off and go. I still am not telling her where we are when she finally finds out. I am going to tell her I am at my friend who moved a few years ago J’s house with her and her husband. They are helping us. I am going to tell Father of the year the same. Because I do not have time to file and go to court right now.

Bff says I need to go get papers singed by him saying I can leave so he can’t pull anything. I don’t even care. If I do I am going to get papers for full custody have them signed. Then file them in court. Then leave and file a paper to do my hearing by phone. When judge ask I am going to tell him, he refuses to pay and I am now homeless. I had no where to go but a tent in the woods like tons of other homeless families down there. I have family here who took us in. So I am supposed to let the court know where i move and if i go out of state so i am. I need you to tell him it is okay so he can not try and make me come back. He signed giving me full custody so there is no reason for him not to. Then I am going to say and why we are at it can you do something about all the child support he owes me? Let him nail him from there.

Either way papers or no papers I am going to let them think I am at J’s house. He will not mess with me there anyway and if he tries to start they will say she didnt get the help she thought she said she was coming back there dont know where she is.

{June 11, 2018}   Torn, To Help or Not To Help

I got off and met Bff at the store last night. They decided to go get milkshakes after. I wasn’t going to but decided to go with them. I wish I hadn’t it took forever and it wasn’t that good. They were very slow getting our food and things out to us.

While we were waiting to order I messaged Starfish, I seen he was online. It was late so I asked him wasn’t it past his bedtime? He said no because he didn’t have a bed or home. I asked him what he meant no home? I knew he was sleeping on the couch but what was going on? He said he got stuck down south at his brothers his moms husband was bitching about the shower and she told him he couldn’t come back he had to get out.

I said just get home get the shower done she will let you come back. He said he had no way and no way to work today either. His brothers car had broke down. I was tired of waiting on the food and things where i was. I said I wanted to go home he said him too. I said I’m sorry.

He said thats okay I see who has my back when I fall. I said what’s that mean? I was kind of mad because I thought it was aimed at me. I again trying to help. He said nothing to do with you. I said okay and told him my truck still isn’t fixed. If it was I would give him a ride.

We finally had finished and could leave. I picked my truck up and came home. He hadn’t said anything to the last few things I sent so I asked what he was doing. He never answered. I figured he was sleeping. I fell a sleep.

This after noon Little Bitty was playing on my phone for a bit I was napping. I didn’t hear the messages. I got the phone back had one from him and one from work. The one from him had been there about 10 minutes and he wasn’t on line.

He said he was leaving this world. I told him no he wasn’t to stop it and call me what was going on? I tried call him a few times. He finaly got a hold of me about 5 hours later. He said he was trying to find a way home he is going to get fired if he didnt get to work in the morning. I tried to borrow Bff’s truck to go but she is going out of town. I don’t know anyone else to ask. She asked why I just told her I needed to go down there for a little bit.

I finally talked to my Good Friend and he said I could take mine just to check all the fluids and take it easy. But I have not been able to get Starfish since. I ask him earlier what time he had be there he said 10 but he had no work clothes with him. He not been on since. I could leave here around 8 something go get him take him to work or to get clothes then work. But we would be getting to his place for clothes at 930 or close so he would be 1030/11 getting to work. But I don’t think I can get there any sooner. He hasn’t answered rather he has found a ride yet.

I feel I should go help him but I don’t at the same time. I don’t know why I am so torn. Other than I think maybe I am worried what I may say. I don’t know if I am ready for that. But I have been feeling more and more like I want to tell him. I just don’t know.

{May 17, 2017}   Don’t Care

I’m sitting here eating and watching tv with the kids and see I have a message from Wanda, saying Father of the Year wanted to know what I wanted? I told her that he needed to get a hold of me I was not going to play this go between game and have to go through her to talk to him when ever I needed something that it had nothing to do with her. I told her to tell him he needed to call me. She said he could call me from her facebook. I said why can’t he just call me? She said he didn’t have a phone I told her he did he was on line enough. Why couldn’t he call me from his why did it need to go through her? About that time my phone started ringing it was her and I answered it expecting it to be her but it wasn’t it was him.

What did you want you left a message at my job? I said yeah I did what do you mean what do I want? I said I want to know why you have not given me a address and phone number like you were supposed to do with in 24 hours? Why have you not given it to the courts with in 7 days like your supposed to? I don’t have a phone I haven’t had money to get one and I don’t have a place yet he says. I said your staying somewhere and where every your staying your supposed to give. I don’t want you hurassing me where I am. I said I am not trying to bother you were you are but I have no way of getting a hold of you if something happens to one of these kids and I will not be contacting her going between her to let you know if something is wrong or if something happens. Well I don’t have a phone I guess you can get a hold of me on here. I said no I can’t you have me blocked and you know it. He said I don’t know I will have to look at it later and see about getting that undone. I said and when are you going to give me what you owe me for the kids they need stuff? I will have to see I don’t have money that’s why I don’t have a phone and things now. I said you have close to three grand why don’t you have money and a phone? I have had to buy stuff and things he said. I said well the kids need things too and you owe them. Well I will give it to you when I can. I said I need to know when you are going to give me something. Then he starts yelling at me to just take him to child support enforcement and things. I said so basically what you are saying is you do not care if I can get a hold of you if something was to happen to one of the kids. You do not care that they are sitting here doing without things and need things and may be homeless yet again because of you? He started yelling having a fit and hung up on me.

I said to him you had a grand when you left and you had two checks then you should have no problem giving me the little bit you owe the kids. Not like I am even asking for anything more than what he owes me and things. That is when he started about he had to buy things and pay things. If you have no place to live the only bill you have is your car insurance and food how do you go through almost a grand a week? I was going to tell him too how he has effected my Little Guy and other things as well but he hung up to fast. I also told him if I had to take this back to court I was not going to go to child support I was going to take it to court file contempt on him for not giving me the information, the court the information and everything else. Fine I don’t care do whatever you have to do.

He also asked me about filing his taxes and getting that money back and taking that to cover what he owes me. I told him it would take to long to get that back I needed the money before it would get here. Well I don’t know I will see what I can do then. That is when I asked him when he was going to let me know I needed to know now not in weeks from now? That is when he told me to take it to child support and do what I needed to do. I asked him about their birth certificates and things he swears he don’t have them. I told him I was making a police report and listing them as the only two people who had been in my house so if they got used it would come back on them. I don’t care go ahead they are probably in your truck why don’t you go look there? I said I did and all over the place and the last place I had them was where they are kept and no one been in my house or knows that but you two. I have to look around here a little more but I really do not think they are here and if they are not then I know that he has to have them.

{May 7, 2017}   The Fun Continues Tomorrow

I have done nothing this weekend but lay around, I am so tired from dealing with everything since what happen to the dog, what they did and the last few weeks of school. Then dealing with the kids and their attitudes on top of it all this week holy cow they are off the chain. I wanted to sit here look up what papers I need to file and watch something on tv last night after the kids went to bed. That din’t happen because as soon as they turned everything off and walked out of the room I passed out and woke up at 4 am. I got up and went to bed, I still couldn’t hold my eyes open.

I have to spend the day figuring out what papers to file with the court so that I can do all this again on my own since the child support place will not serve him at his job. They say they have to have a home address to send everything to and get a response back from him. It is no wonder so many people never get anything when they have these assholes like him that don’t give you addresses or bounce from couch to couch, motel to motel. But if I go to court and file all the paperwork myself and turn it in then I can have him served at work. He starts work at 3 so that is a few hours before the servers get off so they should have time to get him served. I just hope I get a judge that see’s him for what he is and does right by the kids. Not one that is going to let him start taking the kids and seeing them and tell me I have to start doing the back and forth every few days shared custody. I want to try and change the visitation and time sharing because they put in our papers that he can have them every weekend that is fine to a point but there are some weekends that I would like to have them since we are in school and working during the week. Plus I don’t want them to have to go anymore than they want to. Every other weekend gives the a little break, although I done told them if they do not want to go they don’t have to we will cross that bridge when we get there. Right now with him living in his truck it shouldn’t be a problem with him getting anything he wants but I don’t know if he got a place or what kind of place he got so I don’t know if he has room for them and things either. If he wants them every few days back and forth then I am going to insist that he has a place where the boys and girls have their own rooms and beds. I have to have that he should too. This putting them all in one room or same beds isn’t going to work.

I just hate trying to figure out what paperwork I need to get and turn in. They have all these packets for different things and lose forms. You have to figure out what you want or need to file and do it. They will not tell you, this is the packet you need or that packet won’t work because your missing this or that. They just ask what you want charge you for it and give it you. I can print them from home free but my printer needs ink and I have no ink or money for ink. I am sure I will figure it out I figured out enough to get my divorce and that was a lot more involved than this is going to be a and a lot less paper work. I know that some of it is the same paper work I had to do for my divorce. I just hate dealing with this part of stuff.

{May 2, 2017}   Made it to Therapy

Well I made it to therapy, didn’t make it through. I started crying as soon as we sat down and she ask me how things were going. I told her what happen with the dog and then this Friday was full of surprises as well. She was shocked and pissed as I was. She gave me some numbers of places to call and told me to keep in touch with her. She said if I needed her to she could talk to whoever and help me get whatever help she could. But we pretty much came to the same conclusion that there isn’t a lot of help out there around here. I told her I was ready to leave here how ever I could at this point and that I had already told him long ago that if I lost my house here I would leave here. That if i was going to be homeless and have to start over I could do it somewhere else just the same as I could here and probably easier because other places help you way more than here if you are trying to help yourself. She said I was thinking that too but I didn’t know what you were willing to do or thinking about doing. I said if I lose my house I will not start over here again I will leave some way some how. She was talking about what areas really help people and are better than here. She said she hates the system here it is way to broken and don’t help the people it should be helping.

People wonder why so many families are living in their car and woods with little kids and things. The pay is horrible here and the rents and things are so high. Other places I could pay my rent and bills with what I have right now for the month and then work on getting a job and things in place. here I can pay my rent and not have a dollar left for anything. I have applied at place after place for months I don’t even get a call back. They see I can’t work before 930 or past 530 and they don’t call. I even posted on a thing for the are I live in asking if anyone knew of any jobs or even odd jobs side jobs. First thing they said was 930 is late to go in yeah you don’t think I know that I just say that but I am doing the best I can do. I have child care and things set up but I can’t pay someone to take the kids to school all the time. I don’t have it then pay for them to stay after too. Even if they went to the local school they would have to walk and it is to far to walk. I still have to be here to take them.

I am not picky right now I would take anything at this point. If I could find a couple kids to watch in my home for the summer I would be doing good. I would make as much or more than at a job. I am off to turn in more applications so I can be rejected some more and fell so much better about myself.

Oh and I also told them when I picked the little kids up at daycare today that Father of the Year is not allowed to pick up either one of them. I told them he has disappeared cut off all contact, has been gone for days and that I don’t know what he is doing or may try to do. I told them that he has no rights to Little Bitty anyway because he isn’t her dad so he can’t fight that one. I would press charges for kidnapping if he went and picked her up simple as that. My Big Guy he can’t have if I don’t let him. The divorce papers just say he has him every other weekend it don’t say what time. But the school will not let them leave if I am not there anyway. They said to let them know in the office as well so that they knew and that they told them also. I stopped in but it was closed already. I am going to take them in, in the morning and stop in the office. I have heard through the vine that they may try something with them. Older two I am going in to tell them tomorrow what is going on and not to let them go with him either. I think I am going to ask them at the little kids school if we can change the door code so he can’t just walk in the school without busying the office and them finding out why he is there. That way he can’t just go to their classes and they think he checked them out already. I don’t trust him or her, now he figures he won’t have to pay support he has someone there to take care of them why he works and things. They want nothing to do with her. If I say I don’t want her left with her when he is not there he can’t. If he is going to be at work he has to bring them to me if I don’t want them left with who he picks as a sitter. I had to do that in the papers because he was going to let any druggy or person he could find to watch them. He said oh so and so can do it. So and so done lost her kids for being into stuff and has all kinds of people around her house that are into everything and in and out of jail all the time. But he is going to leave my kids there alone. I don’t care if she has her kids back or not she still bring people around that I don’t want around my kids and putting them in a unsafe situation.


{December 6, 2016}   Wish She Would Just Give Up

I am so tired of talking to my mom, every time I talk to her all she talks about is what we are all going to do. Tonight we got into it because she started talking about it again. How I shouldn’t have paid my rent I should have came over there and I would have that money to pay bills and buy Christmas with. How if we don’t get together and do this and make a plan then we are never going to get out of here. I finally had enough and told her that they didn’t have to pay theirs and she could have come over here just as easy. She said well you said you didn’t want Father of the Year over there so where is he going to go? I said I don’t know not my problem. Then it was well my landlord would throw us all out if they found out and hers is never there. I said mine is never here either and that my rent is cheaper and I have more space. Then she says what are you doing to do when they raise your rent? What are you going to do if they don’t rent it to you again. I said there is no reason for them not to and what are you going to do when they raise yours again. She just kept on. I said well I am not going to be moving over there everyone is miserable there and we can’t have anything. She wants us to come there because she don’t like my dogs so they would have to go. I would have to get rid of my fish tanks and my oldest would have to get rid of her birds. She would rule everything and have any and all say and there would not be a day without fighting because I won’t just sit and keep my mouth shut. They lost pets last time because she lied her ass off told them they could have them and when we got there she refused to let them take them off the porch they couldn’t live on the porch and it was getting cold. I had to give them to someone that could get them in and take care of them so they didn’t die. I was so mad they were the kids birthday gift they just got about a month before.

She started about well we have to come up with a plan and we have to figure something out because we are not going to have money to pay rent here and money to pay rent there too. Kept going on and on about what are you going to do and you have to do something. I said I don’t know I have to figure something out for us. What do you mean by that? I said I will have to figure out how to pay our rent and get it taken care of. She started about how was I going to do that? I had tried everything this time even selling my blood like it was such a horrible thing. I don’t feel there is anything wrong with selling plasma there is no where around where you can just donate it, they are the only place that take it and they pay. Blood donation isn’t the same thing and I guess she to stupid to know that or something because blood you do not get paid for I have given blood before but can’t anymore. She has never given anything in her life but then telling me how it all is. Then she keeps telling me how we shouldn’t have gotten divorced yet and now we can’t file taxes together and he can’t claim the kids because they don’t live with him blah blah bullshit she don’t know about again. Normally you can’t claim them if they didn’t live with you but he has a court order saying he can claim them. But like I told him he technically can’t claim them because he hasn’t even paid support for them other than for like two months.

I received a few checks in January but not a lot because of being sick. I don’t know if I will be able to file and get anything at all back even with claiming the two kids. I have to go to the Social Security office tomorrow because when I told them that I was getting support from Father of the Year they lowered his check by around $100. I thought when I reported that I wasn’t getting it anymore they would be told and fix it but they didn’t. I have to go there tomorrow and see what I have to do to get that money back. If I get that back then I will be only $100 short of my rent money Jan and February. I do not want to lose my place over a couple hundred dollars.

I am going to go to the place I went before and see if I can get help with lights and water. I have only ever gotten help once in the past with my lights and that was years ago. I hope that they will help me this time to get them paid up then I will be able to hold things over until I get my money in February probably. Then I am paying my rent up for at least 3 months. Then pay it each month as the monthly check comes so that it stays paid up.

They are coming to get my couch Friday evening. I owe two weeks on it now. I told them give me until last Friday I would see if I could get it for them. I thought I was going to have it. Then everything fell through. I went in Friday and told him I didn’t have it I was going to have to turn it in for a while. He said ok but he couldn’t do anything until Monday to get back in contact with him. Today I stopped in and talked to him and he said he can’t come get it until Friday now. I told him ok after 4 would be fine. I didn’t see anything in the book I think he is just buying me time but I just don’t have it right now and need to save all I can to take care of rent the first. Because I am not losing my place over two out of eight hundred dollars. I can also pawn something to maybe get it come the first because then I know i have money coming the next month to get it back because all I have to pawn is the things my dad left me and I am not going to lose them. I will work it out. I have a friend that is selling his truck and they said if they did they could give me what I needed to hold me over until I get my money in February.

I am trying to keep the faith, although I have done it so far it isn’t easy and then hearing from her all the time about what “WE” are going to do just makes me mad more than anything. There is no “WE” I still find it funny that they are two grown adults and they can’t figure out how to pay their bills and then want to try and push or bully me into giving up my place and all our things to come pay their bills so they don’t lose their place.

I am also going to go to the housing place and see if there is anyway I can get any kind of help through them. I hate going these places and asking for help. But like I said before I am desperate and not moving in with them. At this point the way I feel is I am going in there I tell them the truth about everything, they can either turn me down or help me. I am not twisting the truth or skirting it to try and get them to help me. I know so many people around here who do it and get everything taken care of for them. If I am telling the truth about everything and there is help there then I may as well take it. That is what it is there for people who like myself have hit a ruff patch.

I love how she tries to make it sound like she is worried about me and the kids and what is going to happen to us. But then she isn’t willing to give her place up and move in over here. She says because Father of the Year can’t come. That don’t make a difference where ever he is staying it is up to him to pay me. It isn’t like he pays the bills when he was here. He would pay enough to keep them from going off when we got the final notice but that is it. She says he isn’t going to be homeless and still pay you if he can’t afford to pay for a place to stay. Well I can’t help that he has had chances to make money all these weeks he could have been paying me half the weeks or more he has missed. But he hasn’t so why would I care if he was homeless and still had to pay. He don’t care that we need things. He don’t care that we may lose our place. Why should I let him come back here and take care of him the way he treats all of us and does. But I am wrong for thinking he needs to grow up and find his own place and help take care of his kids. They act like he gives me so much and I just blow it. What he gives me hardly pays for the things they need for school and stuff like that.

Like me and my sister were talking about, what he pays is based on what he makes, what I make, how many nights they are with me and how many nights they stay at his house. He was making $16 an hour and his support was figured at $8 an hour, and it was based on them spending the night with him from Friday night until Monday morning and he has never ever had them for even one night much less the weekend. So if he wants to keep fucking around and playing games I will take him back and tell them he has not paid in months now and that he has never ever even once taken them for the night. He also don’t get them one day a week like he is supposed to. Most the time he don’t even have his phone on we can’t get a hold of him for days at a time, sometimes a week. If something was to happen we couldn’t get a hold of him. Like I told him last night or the night before when he said something about us not telling him something. We had told him I told him and one of the kids told him right here standing in my house. He ignored us both and went on talking about something else like we never said anything he was looking right at me. I told him the other night that we can’t get a hold of him when we call and that I refuse to call someone else to get a hold of him because he don’t answer his phone or text. That from now on he will find out when ever he comes around or calls. He started well this and that and giving excuses why. Like I told him I don’t care what his excuses are and that they are very lame.

I guess we will see what happens. They don’t have their rent now and he just started a job today and already talking about not going back to it and going to another one he got but can’t start for a few weeks. At the one he is at he would get three checks he would probably be able to pay their rent. But if he changes jobs he probably won’t get checks until after the first. The lady over their house is looking to get them out because she don’t like shit she has done and went over her head to the owner about things.


et cetera
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