Single___Parent___Life











Had to edit to add a picture of puch getting his bath. He was sitting so nice until you try to take a picture then he jumps up and has a fit.

I haven’t been on the last few day’s because I have been in bed since Thursday night. I got off work a little early. I came home got everything set up and gave the dog a bath. I took him out to the hose it went well.  He was sitting but anytime you try to take a picture he jumps up barks and gets excited and jumps around. After that I took him in and got a shower myself. Then I took him for a ride to go pick up JW from work. He was so happy to go for a car ride and to his daddy.

We came home walked the dog and JW washed dishes and started dinner. I finished cooking and washed dishes from dinner. We sat talked and watched tv. My right side was hurting. It wasn’t bad at all just dull pain like maybe I pulled a muscle or something. I didn’t pay much attention to it or think anything of it. In a bit it went away.

We went to bed around 11watched the news and talked for a little while. I fell a sleep while he was watching his shows. I normally wake up a time or two in the night to use the bathroom or from being hot. I got up once and laid back down. I was rolled facing him he had his back to me. Just as I was falling back to sleep good he rolled over put his arm over me. He laid his knee on my side. He hardly touched me with his knee. But all of a sudden the pain that shot through my side was so extreme. Before I even thought I shoved his leg over. I thought he was going to fall off the bed.

After that the pain didn’t stop. It just got worse and worse. To the point I started feeling sick and thought I was going to puke. Finally after about an hour I woke him up. I needed something in case I got sick because I could hardly move from the pain. I did not know if I would make it to the bathroom. I wanted him to know something was wrong in case something happened. If I passed out or he couldn’t get me up or something. And see what he thought.

Just him moving on the bed made it so much worse. After he helped me he went and laid on the couch. I finally decided I had to go somewhere and get checked out. I know I have a gallstone and pron to cycst and they hurt when they pop. Either one you never know if it is bad enough to be seen and something needs done or if it will just pass.

But once the pain was bad enough to make me sick it was time to be seen. I didn’t know what we were going to do. As far as I knew they were not allowing anyone in the hospital but the person being seen. Unless they are under 18 then one guardian could go in. They wouldn’t even let them wait in the waiting room. I hate being in the ER alone. When I am to that point of being sick I just want someone there. He said he was driving me over there I ask him if he was sure. He said there was no way in hell I was driving and it was to late to be calling anyone. I needed to go now not once we found someone, they got ready and finally got here. He said if he had to he would just wait in the truck for me and if they kept me he would find someone to pick him up. It would be later people would be up.

We got there he parked in front of the door, helped me out and inside. Once they had me sitting down he went and parked the truck and came back in. They stopped him at registration for him to answer all their questions. They came and took me back. Told him he could come back once they were done with him.

The doctor came in right away asked what was going on felt around and did his exam. He of course ordered blood work, urine and a CT with dye. Right after he went out JW was finally able to come back. I went to the bathroom then got sick for the first time. I mostly just was dry heaving. Very little came up. Then I was stuck in the bathroom. There were bars to hold onto around the toilet and it was so low to the ground. I had to squat in front of it hold the bar to hold myself up. I couldn’t bend over because of the pain. Then jw had to come help me up because of the pain. It was a mess. I ended up in there I don’t know how many times.

They finally came in to do the iv get the blood and give me floods. They wanted to do it in my arm by this point the pain was horrible and I still had done nothing but dry heaving. I felt sicker than ever. I been there 45 minutes or more with no offer of pain meds or anything. They see the vain really well but once they get in it rolls or moves they can’t get it they sit there and fish for it and most the time end up blowing it. I hate needles and can not stand when they do that. I knew if that happened then the way i felt I probably would of pucked everywhere. I refused to let her do my arm. She said they have CT with dye they need it in the arm blah blah. I said no they don’t the hand is fine and that they did it with it in the hand ever time before. She gave me a gown to put on I ask her if I could stay in my clothes. I was cold already and hurting to bad to be changing clothes. I told her I had nothing metal on. All I had on was sweatpants and t shirt. I felt so bad I wasn’t about to put jeans or my other pants on. I got JW’s sweatpants and one of his black tshirts so I didn’t have to put a bra on either. She said I just don’t want to get blood on your clothes. I said why would there be chance of that? She said from doing the iv. I said oh that is fine I’m not worried about that. She said just stick your arms through put it over your clothes for now. Really how much blood are you going to get from putting an iv in or even taking tubes after that. If it is way down in my hand. I could care less at that point i was comfortable in my clothes. If they got messed up i could replace them. He wasn’t caring he said leave them on it was fine.

She finally stuck it in my hand got it right away first try. Got everything she needed then said she was now going to give me the medication the doctor ordered. I ask what that was and she said zophran. I asked if he gave me anything for pain. She said no. I thought I might cry. She said this will keep you from getting sick and stop the stomach cramps. I said that isn’t the pain the pain is in my side no where near my stomach and this is not going to keep me from getting sick. I am getting sick from the pain until it is less or I finally get sick and empty my stomach I am going to be in there. She told me not to go to the bathroom to puke in this little bag she gave me. I can’t do that. It is so small the opening is as well i don’t want to sit there in the bed puking in front of everyone walking by or what.

Well the pain was getting worse and then the iv in my hand made it unable to really move or get comfortable. It was in my left hand the pain in my right side. I got up and was walking around beside my bed there. JW was telling me I needed to lay down not be moving so much. I couldn’t help it. I tried to put my arms on the table they roll up to the bed for you to use. I wanted to just lean on it it was against the wall. It was sticky and dirty. The floor in my room was nasty the trash running over into the floor. The one roll of toilet paper was nasty i threw it in the trash. So now I can’t touch the table to lean on try to help with pain. I am hooked to the iv can’t go to the bathroom i was getting man. I hit the call button this nurse or something came in. I told her I had to go to the bathroom. She unhooked the iv to let me go.

I did have to go so I did. I was still about to get sick so I stayed in there. I honestly at that point felt better squatting down holding on to the bars. It took weight or pressure off my side. No sooner than i turned around and went to stoop down I got sick. It went all over the seat. I felt bad but I was trying. I thought earlier I seen blood in it but then thought no it was just something I had eaten. Now i seen it better was sure that was what it was. At that point most everything had come up i turned and spit in the sink and it was just bright red blood. I already told him I needed someone he was right on the other side of the door it was cracked. The bathroom was in my room and i open the door some when I finished using the bathroom. He went to find my nurse she came in there. I told her and showed her.

She said to me, I told you to stay out of here and if you had to puke to do it in the bag. Nothing about why I am puking blood. Or anything. I was mad I said I had to go to the bathroom and it happen before I could get out of here. I was getting paper towels trying to wipe my face and clear my nose and throat from what just happen she is being nasty. She did say the doctor decided to order something for pain since your still sick. If you get back in bed I can go get it. If you had puked in the bag i could of had that tested to see what is going on or what is wrong. There are reasons we tell you to do things. I said well like I said I didn’t know I went to the bathroom didn’t make it out. I asked what he was giving me for pain she said morphine. I ask if they could give me anything else told her how i had it before and on does i itched for 3 days. They told me it was normal and a side effect. She said it is a side effect but it is not normal to itch 3 days later. I told her how it done me when I was in labor she said you’re allergic to it. I said that is what I thought but they told me no. She said no you are. They ordered something else and gave me.

That only took the pain from like a 15 to an 11. But it was tolerable. They took me for the ct right after that that lady was really nice. She did the scan came gave me the dye and did the next one. Then took me back to my room. They finally came in around 6 something and said it was my gallbladder like I already knew. That I had stones in there but they didn’t feel they needed to keep me and take it out but I needed to get it done right away. Sent me on my way. For the last 8 years I have had one stone they said would pass that didn’t. In 2017 I still had the one stone. Now they say stones. But send me home again.

We got home around 7 something I stripped my clothes off I felt so dirty from that room and getting sick. I laid down. JW took a shower and came laid down with me and when he did I went right to sleep. I never even heard him get up and get ready for work leave nothing. Poor JW drove me over there sat with me helped me brought me home and turned around and was at work by 845am. His friend from work picked him up since I couldn’t drive him he said. He worked a 12 hour day and came home. I ask him to please go in late get some sleep at least before he went if he wasn’t going to call in. That is what I thought he had done when he came and laid down. He said no he just laid down with me for a few to help me feel better. He fell a sleep for about an hour that was it. He had only slept an hour or two before we went to the hospital.

I laid in bed all day and slept off and on Friday. I got up and went to get my meds they gave me from the hospital that was hell just driving there and back. I laid right back down. JW got home I was sleeping. I got up took my blanket and pillow to the couch sat there with him talked to him for a bit. He heated himself up something to eat took a shower and we went to bed. I slept through the night.

Saturday he had his friend pick him up on the way to work. I stayed home in bed again. The pain isn’t all the time it comes and goes like contractions and that is what it feels like but over in my side and radiates out from there. I got ready and picked him up from work at 8. We stopped by the house so he could change and walk the dog. Then went up the road and had dinner. I felt to bad to mess with getting anything ready or to cook. I knew he wouldn’t feel like it coming home at 8 after a 12 hour shift. I had not eaten since dinner Thursday evening. I was so hungry. Scared to eat anything. I had a grilled chicken sandwich and corn instead of fries. It didn’t bother me.

We pretty much came home showered and went to bed. I took my pain pills they helped me sleep but i got up to use the bathroom can’t get back to sleep. I was awake most of Saturday night but feel a lot better today. We went washed clothes I got what I hope to be my last covid test. Then we stopped to get something to put on the grill. Now we are home relaxing. The pain comes and goes still and got a little bad when we were doing clothes. But I think because it was so hot in there and I got over heated. I walked outside to the truck got a drink and felt better.

 



{September 1, 2020}   Covid Encounters Pt. 7

Yesterday was a Monday for sure. JW messaged me and said his brother was back in the hospital. I said back? What? I did not know he had been. He said yes he was in there a week ago for really bad pain in his head or headache. He I guess ended up back in there Sunday Night or Monday morning some time.

His brother and his wife are the ones who tested positive a month ago. They did their 14 days at home and all that and back to work and things. But I am wondering if it isn’t all linked because it is all right together. I do not know if he had to get a negative test before going back to work or not. Maybe he still has it. Or it might just be something else. I went through it with oldest boy back in 2017 three days of his head killing him and him in tears. 2 trips to the er brain scans and everything. Because they just happen out of the blue. He been fine since. They are testing his brother for flu and covid. That is the last I have heard so far.

Then about 2 I think it was he messaged and said his dad was in the hospital because of covid he tested positive for it. They are in two different hospitals in two different states. They don’t live near each other. He said his dad they were keeping to watch because of his health issues.

His uncle was in yet another state in a different hospital getting stints put in his heart. They finally said he did good should be able to go home today. So that was good.

Poor JW has been so stressed out since all this started. He is the most stressed about his brother. He is closer to him than the rest of them. They said earlier he was up walking around feeling some better. He hasn’t heard anymore.

I am worried they don’t know what this is but already talking about wanting to rush into doing a brain operation and taking out part of a vain. If he don’t test positive for covid or flu. I have never heard of such a thing. The more I think about it I am starting to think they found something they want to go in and do something about. But they need to make sure he don’t have anything that could complicate things.

JW has talked about how his wife is and keeps tabs on his brother and control things. She is the only one who has talked to anyone. No one has talked to his brother. Like I told JW he may think she is telling them stuff and she isn’t. Or they may not be telling anyone until it is done. But either way is wrong when you are talking about them going in doing something to the brain. He could not come out of it, he could come out with long term affects. Not know who people are, take care of himself, know what is going on or anything. You don’t know what could happen you don’t know what part of the brain they are going to mess with. If they mess up cause something or anything could happen.

I hope everything is alright and nothing happens to him and there is nothing major wrong. If there is or something happens to him JW is going to be devastated. Something happens to him or his mom I don’t know if he would ever get over it. The three of them are really close like me and my 4 kids.

 

 



{November 12, 2019}   Pregnant Again

This was last Thursday, I have just been busy and not able to finish it until now. So here you go.

Last night was a long night ended up at the Er. at like 3a.m only to have nothing done and sent home. Complete waste of time. If I had known I wouldn’t of even went.

My sister called me and said she done something to her foot and was in tears from the pain. I could tell when she answered she was crying or had been. We talked for a bit and she hung up. She was waiting for her husband to get home.

About the time I crawled into bed and got comfortable she called and asked me to take her. Her husband don’t get off until late like me and then had to get home because she couldn’t get him. He only works a couple blocks so he could walk. She didnt seem like she was going to go when I talked to her.

I go get her and take her all the way over there. I pulled up to the front to get her a wheelchair because she can’t walk on it step down on it. I go to get out and she says I have to tell you something your going to find out in here anyway.

I’m looking at her like what? What is there to tell then I am thinking she is sick something is wrong maybe this is why her foot did this just sitting on the bed or what. She says I’m pregnant but no one knows yet. I was like oh okay. Still not thinking.

We went in they took her right back and the doctor came right in. He said they would call and get an x ray on it and go from there to make sure something wasn’t broke or fractured. She refused because she is pregnant. The doctor got rude and kind of nasty. We were in and out in less than an hour.

Had it been me I would of done it. It was just her foot and they put the led over you. I had one done of my foot and ankle when I was 8 months pregnant with my first because I fell down the stairs.

Then when I was about 24 weeks with my last I had to have a CT scan with the dye they put in the IV. They felt it was more of a risk to me not to do it than to the baby.

If I had known she was pregnant before I picked her up I would of told her they were not going to do anything and not wasted the two\two and half hours.

 

 



Yesterday I took my 7 year old to the er because he had a really bad tooth and they could not get him in anywhere else. I was worried about infection and wanted to get treatment for it right away because he was in a lot of pain. Pain meds were not working. We were not sleeping and he was up most the night.

Shortly after we got there oldest messages me and said that she went to the laoundry room to put something out there. She said she felt something on her foot looked down and it was a big snake and it lunged at her. She ran inside. She said she didn’t know how long he was but that he was thick around.

I told her to call animal control tell them and see if they would send someone. She did and they said they would and took her information. Hour or so later she tells me they never came and she called back they were closed.

When I got home I looked around the door but didn’t see anything. I had dinner done other things and about had myself convinced it found its way out the door she left open. I was going to go put a load of clothes in the washer. About that time I had a text asking if the snake was still there? I ask who it was because it wasn’t a number I knew or in my phone. Then oldest tells me they put an ad online to see if someone would get it out.

This guy called me said he was about 40 miles a way busy he was going to go call his buddy. His buddy wouldn’t come it was late and raining. He said he was going to pack up and come hisself. I ask how much he was going to charge me. He said I asume your a single mom? I said yes. He said I just come take care of it don’t worry. He came and walked out there to the room and shined his light around the water heater and there it was curled up under it. Right where we figured he be if he was still there. But I was not going in to see.

He told me come over there shined the light over there and you could see the head. You could tell he was big. He had this thing to reach and grab it. He reach in to grab it and it started moving. He tried to grab it again and it got away. I look he was outside the room next to me almost. I screamed ran through the carport onto the front porch and stood on one of the chairs. As I ran i seen him trying to grab it and and it coming around after him. Then going into the dog pin.

He thought it went in the back room but I knew be didn’t. We waited a while it never came back. He said if it came back to call him he try to get it again. It was 4/5 ft. Long and, an inch and a half to two around. I have seen some snakes but I have never seen one in the wild that size. Makes my skin crawl thinking about it.

The kids better keep the door to that room closed and that thing better stay out of there. I had my guns i would of shot it right there last night. I do not do snakes ya’ll.

The guy who came to get the snake had to be in his, late 50’s early 60’s probably. After it gets away I tell him let me get him some gas money at least for coming he says no. He starts asking me how I get by being a single mom? Do I ever go out? We should go to lunch some time i can buy lunch don’t worry about paying him. This morning he text ask if it came back? I said no he said good. Then he said we need to get together go to lunch one day. I did not reply to that I had stuff to do just left it.

Monday was Sleeping Beauties birthday. I messaged him when I woke up

He said thank you. We talked a bit. Later I messaged him and ask how his day was? He said good he didn’t do anything just worked. I told him about the snake and oldest calling me. What she said happen and things. He was surprised.

I said…Now i have to figure out how get it out or if/when it leaves. I do not do snakes. I will pack and leave.

He said Wish i would of knew this before i left. Meaning before he left from work and went home. He is about 30 or more miles north of me. Why he wants to rent my room to be closer to work.

He said he didn’t get off until 6. I was surprised he said he wish he knew and was going to come over. I jokingly said to my little one at the hospital I should call him tell him happy bday I got you a snake come catch it we wers laughing.

Later I said how do I have a 9th grader? I feel old he said I was old. I just laughed and agreed. I may not be but I feel it.

So that was my eventful Monday. I swear I feel like a 3 ring Circus with an extra 3 rings I couldn’t make this crap up if I wanted to kind of things.



{June 9, 2018}   ER With Little Bitty Again

Sitting in the ER again with Little Bitty. She woke me up at 3:45/4am rolling in pain telling me her stomach hurt really bad something was wrong. She tried to go back to sleep and couldn’t. Then she started puking. It wasn’t like I ever seen before, it was very thick and no water or anything. She was having a hard time getting it out. She still laid down tried to sleep again had to get up in no time to be sick. We decided to come to the hospital because this is the 2nd time in a month or so that she has been in pain and sick like this. She was sick on the way here and again since we got here. They just finally gave her something to keep her from getting sick again and did an x ray.

They seem to act as if it is just no big deal or a stomach bug. But something isn’t right, she shouldn’t keep doing this and now when she is getting sick its dinner from last night still coming back and its been about 12 hours since she had dinner. Never has she been sick in the night like that and it be like that. That late this early in the morning it is just liquid. I told the nurse she seem think it was a little off but said some peoples is just slower. But not her she is never that way.

I am so tired of being ran around not getting amswers.

We are both so tired and just want to sleep. I am supposed to be at work in 6 hours and I have a sick kid and a few hours of sleep. By the time we get to go home it will be time to get things done to go to work. If she isn’t puking and resting I am okay to go to work. But if she is still in pain or puking I can’t. I am so tired I don’t know if I will make it by noon.  I am waiting for it to get a little later I am going to get a hold of the other girl who goes in at 5 and see if she can go in at 12 and I can go at 5, just trade shifts. It is about the same hours. I am switching with her next week so she can be with her dad for fathers day. I pray she does or that they will be slow enough that the girl who comes at 1 can cover on her own. Then I can go in later and take over for her and let her go home early if she wants. She is supposed to close. But may like to go early then I could still get some hours at least. The boss don’t care as long as everything is covered and we have enough people if it is busy. I need a few more hours of sleep that is for sure.



{May 16, 2018}   Insurence Mess

I received a text today saying my medication was ready. My new one I started last month for depression. I was already on my way there to get Little Bitty’s filled. I got there and ask them for it and how much it was going to be. I figured $30 maybe. It was $68. I had to tell them I couldn’t get it right now.

Not that I had the $30 to spend either but I was willing to figure it out because I need it and can see such a big difference when I take it. Plus I don’t want stop it cold turkey because my therapist said that the side effects I felt when I first started taking it I will most likely feel when coming off of it and maybe worse than when I started it. I also know that starting and stopping then can cause them not to work as good as they should either I don’t want that to happen either.

Then they took hers and told me that they dont take her insurance. As far as I knew they had canceled our insurance that is why my medication wasn’t covered. I took it to the other store and her insurance is good just mine and some of the other kids aren’t.

So I have spent 5 hours trying to get her 4 test and two medications since hers is good. We got the two medications and one test so far 😢.

I waited between the two stores almost an hour just to see if the insurance was good. While I waited on the 2nd one to do what they had to do, I went home and took a fast shower. I woke up to being puked on. By the time I cleaned the bed got Little Bitty showered and cleaned up all I could do was wipe up and change clothes so I could get kids to school. I went through the drive through at the stores so I didn’t have to go in. By time I was out of the shower they said her insurance was good.

We went over to get the x ray and bloodwork done they said it could be done as a walk in. We get there I ask if they could do the two heart test as well and they said yes. I gave them the paperwork they jad us sit down. In a little bit they call us up and tell me they don’t take her insurance.

We leave I call the hospital the paper the hear test were written for and ask them. They say they can do them all but the blood work and one of the heart test. The other heart test we have to go about 50 miles away to get done. I hung up and called the other hospital and tell them what 4 test we need and they say we can walk in for 3 of them but the other we have to set up. I ask if they can do the bloodwork for sure? They said yes we take her insurance we can do it. We grab a fast bite for lunch and fly over there to get them done.

We get there we only have time for the bloodwork and x ray before I have to leave to get the kids. I give them the paperwork tell them the two I want today and the other two I want to get Friday if I can set that up why I am there. They give me the bloodwork papers back and tell me I have to go to X to get it done not there. I ask why because I was told there since they take her insurance. I am just told they can’t do the bloodwork the insurence will only pay for us to go to X to get it. I say fine give her the x ray and set up the other two. We can’t set up the other two we will have to fax it over you will have to call in!! What? Why? I am standing in the building where it is going to be done. I will have to talk to you before we go to get it done like now, but I have to call to get it set up? Why? We did the x ray and left.

I went by the place to do the bloodwork but they were packed. I knew we would not be out in time. I called to set up her other two test. The lady says okay I have the paperwork but I can’t set it up for Friday. Because of the insurence we have to set it up 14 days out. Of course that fell on a Tuesday work day. So we set it up for That Thursday. I am going to call Friday and see of they have the okay back yet and move it up if they do. Tomorrow we go for bloodwork and the ekg of my mom don’t have anywhere to go. I give her Thursdays to get what she needs done taken care of since I am the one who has to take her to do it. If she has stuff to do then we will go Friday.

I figure if the EKG shows anything the doctor is worried about she can give a new order for stat test and they will have to do it same day or with in 24 hours I think it is. If Ibhad known she still had her insurance I wouldnof done this already, I have been waiting on it to be fixed.

I have to call them tomorrow find out why it isn’t because I need my medication. I don’t know what I will do. I had 5 left when I took mine today. I know I missed one maybe two but that is all. I guess they just get it to you a few days ahead of time, gives you time to get there and get it. I may have to see how much it will be for just a weeks worth until it gets fixed and try to but that.



{April 16, 2017}   What Do You Say To That

When Father of the Year got done with the truck me and Wanda were sitting outside talking and I ask him if he was leaving or what time he had to be home. I said what are you trying to get rid of me? Why are you trying to get rid of me? Wanda looked at him and said no she is going to leave if your going to be here. He said oh what do you have in there to make for dinner tonight? I told him I was probably just going to go to the store to pick something up, I haven’t been shopping and didn’t lay anything out. He said okay, so I went and got them stuff to make for dinner. I have some stuff here but not a lot because over this past week why the kids have been out of school we haven’t felt like doing shopping so I went the day or two before they got out and just tossed stuff in the buggy to go with stuff we already had here to make meals out of it to get it all used up and start over. I will go shopping for months and buy stuff then some of it odds and ends get left in there where I bought to much or made something else with with part of what I had. I like to use all that stuff up every few months so it don’t go bad and I don’t have a bunch of random stuff sitting around. I didn’t want to really go out go out but I wanted out of the house and didn’t want to sit here and hang out with him all night why he was “seeing” the kids.

Me and Wanda went and grabbed a burger at the fast food place, normally I would just go through the drive through but since we were just wasting time I parked and we went inside. We were sitting there talking and some how the topic of drugs came up and being hooked on pills. I said I never understood what people got out of it that they just make me sleepy I don’t feel high at all. I said but then I guess because I take them like I am supposed to not handfuls at a time and crap. That is why thy OD on them they take so many at a time and then have to take more because they get use to it. I said but then look at how many of them nod off and shit so it is making them tired too.

She said yeah that she took her’s if she had them and needed them and took an extra one in the day sometimes if she got really bad but she didn’t even take them close together she take the one if it didn’t help in a couple hours she might take another one. Or if she started hurting before it was time for the next one and he needed it, but the other days she may not take any. She said they make you feel the same as pot. I said I haven’t done it but know people who do and had been at a friends when he was doing it and talking about them eating everything that wasn’t nailed down. I said I am big enough without eating like that. She said yeah only difference really with pot is that the pot makes you eat. That is why she takes it because she has problems with her stomach and things and gets to were she can’t eat. She said just like that I don’t go oh I need it every day let me keep going to get some. She was talking about these people rushing to a doctor and trying to get pills as soon as theirs runs out and to the er lying to get them and things how ER drug test you now soon as you walk in most the time. She hadn’t had any pot in a long time and still had some of the pills that he got at the doctor last time they put her in the hospital and kept her for a week. I know she hasn’t because it has been over six months since she had pot. She got really sick and couldn’t eat anything and was doubled over in pain and puking off and on all day. Every time she would eat she as sick, a friend brought her some and she smoked it a few days maybe a week and she has been doing good since. But she went to the hospital they put her in there keep her for a week or two or they would tell her there was nothing they could do for her go home. She has a problem where her stomach don’t digest the food and another problem. I kept telling her last time it was that stuff acting up because she just been in there for a week a week or two before this. I told her they didn’t do enough or something that she needed to go back she did that instead and has been fine. I feel it should be legal for people who are sick I had aunts who used it when they were going through their cancer treatment, we were going to get my dad some because of his but he got so bad so fast he couldn’t have used it.

When we were talking about how the hospitals drug test you now most every time you go in and for sure if you are going in saying you need pain pills. I said that is why I don’t understand how RC was going all the time to get them after we split up. I said he would never go for anything when we were together but after we split up and he got with her something was always happening and he was in that ER. She said I don’t know but he admitted to me straight out that he had a pill problem and that it was bad and he was doing them when he was with you. I said I know he does i didn’t when we were together but found them when I was moving and put two and two together.

We went on talking and she acted as if she was waiting for me to ask her more or say more about it and ask what all he had said about it or what but I didn’t. I just went on talking almost like she hadn’t even said it. I didn’t know what to say about it or to her. Like I said I didn’t put it together until the end and it was to late. But after all these years of him lying and saying he didn’t and shit even though I knew it was surreal to hear her say it. I didn’t know what to say or how to respond. I wanted to ask her a few things see if he had said anything or what but then I didn’t know if I wanted to know or how I even felt about what she just said. I still don’t know how I feel about it. I feel odd everything since she told me. I don’t feel mad, I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel like OH I ALWAYS KNEW! I can’t explain how I feel. I guess maybe I want answers but not from her but him. But what answers? Then tonight I am laying here in my bed unable to sleep thinking about it and I wonder he laid about that what else did he lie about? Was it all a lie? Did he really care? Do I care if he did? Why do I care if he did? It’s done it’s over? What about the shit he said to me when we were texting before I had the baby? Why did he go back to her? Why didn’t he stay? Did he go back to her because of the reasons I figure he did? Did he not stay because of why I think he didn’t? I wonder what does he think now? Why do I care? Is he happy? Dose he ever think about his little girl? Does he still have the photo album of her I left him? (I just thought of that one go figure) Dose he still care? Dose he even care about her? Again why do I care what he thinks or feels? Why do I still care about him? Why did I not really care about him and hadn’t really felt or thought anything about him in a caring kind of way in forever but tonight I have all these questions and wonder all this shit? I wonder why I feel the way I do about it all. I just feel so perplexed. I wonder what would he do if we ended up the same place somewhere like me and his ex did at therapy? I wonder how I would be? I know I would say something to him but I don’t know what? I wonder if I would be mad or what I would feel?

Just to many questions, I think of him of course he is my daughters father, she looks like him, things she does are just like him. But I didn’t really think about him other than oh lord she just like her daddy, or yep she got that from her daddy. But nothing feeling wise and tonight I am feeling some sort of way and I don’t know what to think about it. Or what I should have said to her when she said it.



{November 29, 2016}   Baby Boy

Sunday my sister text and said to pray for a friend she was in ICU and they didn’t know if she would make it. I called her to see what happen.

She said that our friend had lifted or moved furniture and started bleeding. She is pregnant with her 4 baby, so really bad. I guess it took her a little bit before she went to the hospital I don’t know why she was scared or what. She has bad anxiety when it’s time to have the baby and things.

When they finally got her to the hospital they said she turned white and started getting sick. They got her right back and said if she had waited any longer to come in she would have died. They put her to sleep and took her in for an emergency c section. When they got her open they said her uterus was transparent. They delivered the baby and ended up having to work on her for 5 hours. They had to shock her and everything else why they were working on her. They came out and told her family and little girls that they did not think she was going to make it. They ended up taking her uterus and one of her tubes out. They had to give her 7 bags of blood, 3 bags of platelets and 3 bags of plasma. They she made it through the surgery and was put in ICU to control her blood pressure and things like that. They wanted to let her wake up for a bit then put her into a coma to keep everything down and let her body rest. She was ok when she came to and they decided I guess not to do the drug induced coma. They had to let her come to so she could sign papers for someone to take care of the baby, see the baby and make decisions I guess about the baby as they had taken him from that hospital to the big children’s hospital in the other county. They said she has to stay there at least a week because they have to monitor her blood and make sure it straitens out.

My sister told me Sunday she thought she was over 30 weeks but not 31 yet. We were talking about the baby, I said he had a good chance at making it if she was that far along. I didn’t know how much but probably  little better than 50% but I could be wrong. He was 2lbs when she had him, I know they will send them home at 3 lbs now if everything else is ok.

Yesterday I took my friends boyfriend to a meeting and the hospital, when he got out we went and picked him up and took them to wal mart. I had to take the kids to the bathroom and I got a text that said the baby was only 27 weeks and they were taking him off the ventilator. I started to cry right there in the bathroom all these kids around in there. I called her and was asking her why and why they thought he wasn’t going to make it did he have other things wrong or was he just not developed enough? She said no that he was ok that they took it out of his mouth earlier that day and put it in his nose and that they said he was doing good enough they felt he did not need it and would breath fine on his own. I was re leaved to hear that. All I could think was she needed to be over there with him and that he was over there by himself and why would they do that with no one there and things. I was thinking I should try and go over there if I could but I didn’t know how I would do that when I didn’t have anyone to watch the kids or gas to get there.

They moved the mom out of ICU yesterday said she was doing better but still had to stay. They had to give her two more bags of blood yesterday and said they would need to giver her more before she left so she still could’t go.

Please pray for baby boy and his mommy that they both continue to get stronger the next few days and are able to be back together soon.



{October 14, 2016}   I Did It…..Almost

Yesterday I thought of this places that does counselling other than our local community place that handles that kind of things. Not sure what you call it. It is more like a hospital than an office they have a pharmacy in and out patient care. It seems like they are more about medicating you and sending you on your way than really trying to help you. I understand that some may need medication and that is fine. I have taken them in the past and may need them again, I am not anti medication but I prefer to try other things and use them as a last resort. I know that for me just having someone to talk to really helps me. But I don’t know that is going to help me alone or not this time around because of feeling so tired and having no energy even when I do get sleep and not stressed. If not and I need to take something I am ok with trying that as long as I don’t feel like a zombie or numb to everything. I don’t want to just not care or walk through life feeling drugged all the time. I feel like the place I was going to go to that is what they are going to do just hand me medication and that is going to be that. I know at times your supposed to have an hour time slot they get you in and out in a few minutes or half hour because they are behind or in a hurry and want to get out of there. I don’t want that.

Yesterday I was talking to someone and counselling came up and we were talking about it was really the only place you could go to get help they do a sliding scale for your fee and things if you don’t have insurance. I thought of another place in my area a little closer to me that has a sliding scale but also takes insurance and they are more like a private practice office than the other place I was going to go to. I know they have some good people there that really work with their clients and really care. I had a friend that went there for a while when he was going through a really hard time and a crisis. He was able to get a hold of of his counselor after hours or on the weekend if he needed to.

The other place you can call for days and not get a call back from anyone much-less your worker. I have a family memeber that see’s them and they were called all weekend and days during the week because we were having problems with them and wasn’t sure if we should call someone, take them to the hospital if they could call ahead and let them know that we were bring them in to make sure they got the proper help or anything they never called us back. Knowing this person had two suicide attempts in the past. Lucky there was someone who could stay with them and things until things were worked through and to do something it things got worse. But what if that had been a client on their own calling for help and no one answered or returned a call? What may have happen or if it had been someone calling for a client and they were not able to stay with them to make sure everything turned out ok and thought that the worker was going to call back and they never did?

I was really happy I had thought of this place and really wanted to go there and talk to them about seeing someone. I am hoping they take my insurance and if they don’t the fee isn’t to high and I can pay it so that I can see someone there. I got the kids up and ready for school, I got dressed and ready with them and was going to go there right after I dropped them off since it isn’t to far from my older kids school. I left the school and headed back home. I realized and turned around and while doing that talked myself out of going. I decided it was probably better to call and see if they would see me and set everything up. Even though I hate calling anywhere and doing that kind of thing. I like to go in in person talk to them do all the paperwork and everything I need to do and go from there. But I told myself I probably didn’t have all they were going to ask for and that the time I was going to take there talking to them and waiting was time I was taking away from my work that I really needed to be doing. I just pulled out the other direction again and went home. Then I was really aggravated with myself for doing it and not going there and finding out if and how they could help me and getting a time to be seen set up or at least getting everything done and finding out what I needed to bring back in so I could get set up.

I told myself I had so much other stuff to do that I need to get it done and then worry about doing that when I have more time for me and to do that kind of things. Because I have the field trip next week, my two test, the doctors for my breast and to get the truck fixed. I need to take the two little ones to the doctor and set up a bunch of appointments for all the kids. The older two need to go to the doctor about their thyroid, the one needs to go about her skin, one needs to go about testing for his learning and things. When do I really have time to go see these people and talk to them every week with all the other things we already have to do and all I need to add to it? I know it is just an excuse so I was even more angry at myself for not going and making excuses.

Wednesday is a new day to try again to get there and get this started. I will be gone out of town all day on a field trip Monday, have my test and running my mom around on Tuesday. Wednesday after my test on I have rest of the week to get there and the other doctor and get everything set up. I just need a kick in the butt to do it I guess I don’t know.



The year sure ended with one hell of a bang, Not one that anyone wanted to be a part of or will forget any time soon. December 31, 2013 will never be forgotten. I will forever remember where I was what I was doing and what I did. I’m sure the next few weeks, months will be the same. Forever burnt into my mind and heart, and end up being one of the worse and hardest times I have had to deal with so far in life.

My mom called me at about 11:30 yesterday morning and said that my dad had been taken to the hospital and they were keeping him. My brother again wouldn’t call and tell me or tell me anything that was going on. He called her at 9:30am but she fell back to sleep and just got up remembered and called me.

I got ready and headed up there to see him and what was going on. I was almost half way there and my brother decided that maybe he should call me for whatever reason. He then tells me that he hadn’t just gotten taken up there like I thought he had. He tells me they went last night and had been there over night. They were doing test and getting him a room and things.

He tells me they have done a tone of test over night and that he was lined up to do a bunch more through the morning. If there was a test they could do they were doing it pretty much. He said he been up there the last hour and they still didn’t have him in his room. They told him it would be another 3 or 4 hours before they would have him in his room again.

He then tells me that they said there was a nodule on or in the lung and that it had changed since they seen it before so now they are worried about it unlike before. They found 5 legends on his liver. He came over Christmas day and he got sick said he wasn’t feeling good we thought he had this stomach bug going around. He said he went in and was talking to him the night before and he said he thought he needed to go to the doctor. He never goes to the doctors. Then he told him he hadn’t been able to keep anything down for days. He said he been getting dinner he told him he been throwing it a way or feeding it to the dog. So they went to the hospital. They were thinking his gallbladder. But they needed to check the other they found and look at it and see.

I stopped at my friend J’s since he said he wasn’t in his room and wouldn’t be back for a while. I talked to her and called up there. They said he just got done with testing and should be back in a little bit. We rode up there. The nurse practitioner came in after a while and talked with us.

She preceded to tell me what they found on the lung and the liver. Then she dropped the bomb that was not expecting to hear. She said he has a 5 cm or about 2 inch tumor in his stomach and that is why he hasn’t been able to keep stuff down. She said they aren’t able to remove it that it would be a very involved surgery that he isn’t able to go through. I already knew that before she said it. They really didn’t want to do the surgery to remove the cancer off his face 4 years ago and told us he may not wake up from being put under. Because of his lungs and a vent really isn’t a option either because he wouldn’t be able to come off of it after. She said they had him set up to do another scan I forget if it was a cat or mri in a little bit he had to drink the contrast so they could do it. She said they are looking at the pelvis area to see if there is anything in that area now that they have checked everywhere else. She said they really couldn’t tell us much more until the biopsies came back and they did this test to see if they find anything else. So now we just sit and wait. She said the doctor was talking about going in and putting a stint in to open the G.I track so that he could keep stuff down. I guess where the tumor is blocking since they can’t take it out.

He is so mesireable and just wants to come home. He was laying there in his jeans and hospital gown. He has lost so much weight and is so cold. He said he ask my brother to bring him some stuff and he didn’t bring the right stuff. He brought him some shirt he couldn’t wear because of the i.v’s and things. I told him I had to go but I would come up later that night. Me and my friend J went to the store and got him a nice warm pair of sweat pants and some stuff. I took it back up to him and talk to him for a little bit longer. By then it was dinner time and he was getting ready to go for his test. I told him I was going to come take care of the kids and that I would come up today and see him. I feel bad it is almost 11:30 and I haven’t been back up yet but I called a little while a go and his friend was up there she said she was going to be there for a while sitting with him and things. I figured I would wait a little while until she left. That way we all weren’t there at once and leave and he is just sitting there all day alone.

They told me there was always a doctor to talk to when I came up to just let the nurse know and they would page them to come in when I got there. I was asking the doctor yesterday when she would be back in to talk to him about the test they did last night and when her rounds were. I told her I have 4 kids at home but I need to be there to see him and be with him when she was there. Thats when she told me her or the other doctor one or the other would be there to just have them call.

His blood is also very low, I’m not sure what the number range is but they said that at 7 they start giving you blood and his was a 7.6. He is very adamant that he dose not want blood and he dose not give blood. He says he dose not believe in it and you can pick up germs that way. I just asked the doctor about it and that this is where he is this is what you all do and he don’t want it so then what. She said there really isn’t a lot they can do they just give him floods and things and watch him if he don’t want it try to help the body make it on it’s own basically I guess.

My brother is having a fit about that and him not wanting the blood and me not pushing him to get the blood. I don’t blame him and can’t say I would take it if I needed it either. I don’t know what I would do because I have not been put in that situation. But I have read about it and know that even before when they were supposed to do testing they didn’t and I can’t say that even thought it is years later I find it hard to trust they still do all the testing and things that need or are supposed to be done. So I can’t tell him it is safe and things and oh just do it I would. Because I really don’t know if I would or not.

He act to me like he seems to think that if daddy gets the blood he would be able to have the surgery for his stomach. I told him that wasn’t the case that he couldn’t because of his lungs. He says no his lungs are fine and he came out of it last time just fine. But it has been over 4 years since the last one he didn’t have this thing on his lung and it hadn’t changed. He is in denial of what they are really telling us I think. They said even at this point chemo and radiation probably wouldn’t be a option. But like they said we have to find out what we are really dealing with before we can really say what his options are. We don’t know what options we need to be talking about or eliminating because we don’t know what we are dealing with. We all know more than likely cancer but we can’t say for sure. Until we do we aren’t doing anyone any good by talking about what we can or can’t do. Who knows what may change between know and when they get the test back. He could get stronger and even though we know that surgery isn’t going to be able to be put out there as one if needed chemo and things could be. I would rather wait until we know what we are dealing with before we talk about all of it.

I don’t know what they are going to find but I pray that whatever it is this dose not turn into a long drawn out miserable thing for him. Be it is something they can help him or something they can’t. I don’t want them to say they are helping him and it just be him laying in a bed unable to do anything because I know that he don’t want to be that way. He don’t want everyone to have to take care of him and things like that and it drives him crazy to not be able to get up and do things. I hope that if they can’t that he is still able to get around and do what he wants for as long as possible and that if he can’t it isn’t a long time.

I don’t know how I feel right now other than just numb. I feel myself shift to just get through it mode and not feeling anything. Me and my dad have always been so close I can’t stand seeing him going through this or going through it with him. The thought of maybe loosing him kills me. I don’t know what I would do if I lost him. I was sitting here last night thinking about it and my kids my older 3 know him my older two will remember him my baby girl hasn’t had the chance to get to know him or remember him. My little man may remember him but I don’t know for how long. It just seems so unfair. Then I feel bad for bad for feeling that way. I look at my facebook page and see my friend and her kids who lost their dad a few years ago to cancer. I have had my dad for 34 years. They are just kids and lost theirs and growing up without him. At lest my older three have their dad. But who don’t think these things at a time like this?

I better get off here and get ready. It’s been a little bit since I called up there. I got to eat and get ready. I dread going up there, I dread the new news, seeing him there like this, knowing what he is going through, dread leaving him there when he is asking me to take him home, dread knowing he is there or he is there alone. I just want to go sit with him I could all day until they through me out but I have so much to do with the kids and things as well. I feel bad for not being there and spending as much time as I can with him. I feel myself trying to shut down and go back to just go through the motions get things done mode. But I can’t I can’t remove my self and just go through the motions and get it done this time. No matter how much I want to even.



et cetera
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