{January 30, 2020}   Home Cooked Meal

The last few days I have been wanting to eat anything and everything. Roast, steak, chilli, chicken and anything else you can think of.

Last night I went to his house after work and Bff came picked us up and we all went to Steak and Shake. I wanted a burger, chilli mac and chicken.

He says you sound like your pregnant and bff chimes in and says are you? I said no, she kept on. They were joking around. They thought I was joking about wanting all 3. I said no I do. So me and him split the chilli and I got chicken. He got a burger and we left.

She dropped us off it was late I felt sick. He went in and got my keys I forgot them at his house. I left too. She called me was like is their a chance at all your pregnant?

There isn’t at all a chance. I had my monthly friend twice since the last time I was with anyone. I always use something.

Today I was talking to him I was like dang I want to eat, i want this, this, and this. He laughed. I said I don’t know what is wrong with me.

Tonight i did not have him make me anything and forgot to get a drink. I ran up to the little store a little while ago got coffee and an egg salad sandwich. I said I home this ends well. Why i trust egg salad from the little store i don’t know.

I thought of it after eating it, I just want to sit down eat a nice hearty home cooked meal. Everything I eat comes from a little store, $1 menus, snacks or what he makes me. Even what he makes isn’t really a meal or what.

I always cooked when I was home or had something in the crockpot. I made soups and stews. I was always looking for something new to try.

All the things I have been wanting are all meals. Hot balanced home cooked meal. Most the time what i get is cold or cold by the time i get to work. Even if it isn’t cold it is just something so I’m not hungry nothing all that good or you want to eat. Then I am eating the same handful of stuff over amd over again week after week.

Even when I am home on the weekend I cook but nothing like I use to. We go out to eat or we make quick stuff we get home late or trying to go somewhere.

Maybe I will get to cook something half way decent this weekend.

over 11,000 steps in an hour and half. I walked the 4.5 miles to work this morning. I was super surprised it only took my an our and a half. I really thought it would take close to two. I wasn’t sure what way to go and was going to try and catch a bus part of the way at least. But the way I went there wasn’t really a bus. I had some guy before I got out of my neighborhood two guys in a van or suv type thing stopped and was trying to talk to me. Then I get up by the main road and here he came again stopped talking to me and things. I am not even sure if he had the other guy with him or not because I just didn’t even look at him I kept walking. He said something and took off. He didn’t like it I didn’t to him. Then I don’t know how many other guys waved or calling out to me at me.

I am at my day job and have no idea how I am going to get to my night job or home if I do. I don’t know how I am going to get there until I am able to get my truck fixed. I am tired right now I just want to put my head down and go to sleep.

Worse part was walking up the bridge, had the bridge not been there I would of been about 5 minutes or so cut off my time. The view was nice

The view from the top of the bridge.


I also stopped at the little store a block or so away from work and grabbed a tea and a couple bottles of water. Yes I said a tea. I was so thirsty and hot I wanted something besides water. I wanted favor. I kind of wanted a coke but knew that would not go down well as hot as I was and as long as it has been since I had one. All the sweet and carbonation. I straightened my hair before I left and it is a mess now. Needless to say it is back in a clip. I am now searching for a ride tonight. I need to call and tell them I am not coming but I need to turn my hours in so that I can get paid and I need to work tonight so it will be on next weeks check. I just don’t know what to do or where to turn.

{February 4, 2019}   Wednesday Night Out

Wednesday I went out with Bff and her aunt like I do most Wednesday nights. My Friend knows we go out that night and messaged ask if we were going or not. I told him yes he said he wanted to stop by. I have ask him to go before so not a big deal he knows he can come. I told him okay. Well I decided I would drive myself over there instead of meeting Bff and riding with them. On my way over then he messaged and said he had to take his brother a jack he got broken down somewhere. He said he didn’t know if he could come or not. I told him we would be there a while to go ahead and come when he was done. he said he still wanted me to come over when he got back. I told him come up there when he was back that way and we would see.

In a little bit he showed up, I was surprised really how fast it was because he said it was going to take a lot longer. I looked up and thought that was his car by my truck but I couldn’t tell if anyone was in it or not. I asked bff if there was and she said yes. About that time I looked at my phone he had messaged me telling me he was there.

He came in and sat beside me the waiter came around and he stopped and looked really surprised. He said oh hey um can I get you a drink? Would you like to order food? He told him no and he went and got his drink.

I ask bff later if she seen how shocked he was when he came by and he was there? She said yeah she caught it too. She said I think he likes you. He is the same one we have all most every time we go for the last year. He is always talking to us and joking around.

Anyway we stayed for a bit and then me and my friend left. I followed him back to his place. I told them I would probably be back before they left but wasn’t sure. I would of but they left early.

I went in and was sitting my stuff on the chair there and before I could even sit my stuff down he was all over me. He came up behind me put his arms around me was kissing my neck. Turned me around was kissing me. Telling me he been waiting for me to come over he missed me. We went in his room laid down on the bed was talking. He put his arms around me and started kissing me, we were messing around. Then he wanted to take a picture. I was like I don’t know about that, I never let anyone take any kind of pictures and never take any and send to anyone. I was like whatever why not right. The way I was I did not think that anyone would be able to tell who it was because you could’t see my face at all. I never thought about my tattoos and how he was taking the pictures. He took a few and we went on I never did ask him about them or see them. I kind of forgot about them really.

The next day I thought of my tattoos and that I never seen them. I messaged him after I got to work and had a free minute. We were talking. I hadn’t ask him about them yet. I was just going to say hey you never showed me the pictures you took last night I want to see. But before I could all of a sudden I look down and there is a picture on my phone.

It said looks good. Like it? I was already sending something else so I sent that and had no idea what to say about it. I just said wow because that is what I thought when I first seen it. I wasn’t expecting it and no idea what it was going to be or how. He said told you, you was looking hot there. So do you like it? I said it isn’t bad. It isn’t I don’t care for how my head is but over all it isn’t a bad picture really. But you can see my tattoo. I am really not worried about that though. Don’t know if I am not worried or just don’t care, either way. I asked him about the others he took he said he took three but they were all the same this one was the best the others were blur. That was the clearest one.

He said we could take more, I laughed. He said you like that idea? Then I asked him what he was doing with these pictures and put a little smiley face thinking behind it. He said nothing yet and that they were just for him and send one back blowing a kiss. Nothing else was said about them after that, we were both at work and had to get to work.

I keep finding myself going back and looking at it. I really don’t know what I think of it. Like I said it isn’t a bad picture. I think I just wish I had been a little more into it at the time and it would of been better. I have wanted to take some boudoir photos before but never did. I was going to to get them done for RC’s birthday then we split up and I never really had a reason to. I am always worried if I let someone like him take them or took some and gave someone where they might end up. Not that worried about that anymore really.

I looking at this one it is a good feeling, not one of regret or oh my god someone might see it or why did I do that? It is a freeing feeling. I have always been fine with myself, my body and how I look. I knew I needed to lose weight and things but I never let it define me. I knew when I was ready I would do it, until then this is who I am take it or leave it I don’t care.

Looking at that picture and thinking about all I have been through, all I have done, had to do and still do and all I have lost its like hell yeah that is me all of me, my flaws, my cuts, scares and all. I was vulnerable but in control at the same time. It feels empowering in a way. Like yes I have been through all this but look at me now. I have come through stronger and freer than ever. I have come further than even I realised and healed more than I could of imagined.

It makes me want to do that photo shoot even more than ever now. I may have him take some more the next time we are together.

As I write this and think about it and what amazes me most is……It’s just me and I am hot, sexy and beautiful. Unlike I feel, despite all I have been through, no matter how beat down, bruised, broken and battered I feel. My body really isn’t, it don’t show it, it’s beautifully perfect. I am not the only one who thinks so and from now on when someone tells me how good I look or what I am going to believe them. Because we get so stuck on how we feel and all we been through we forget we aren’t wearing that as a coat for all to see. It’s truly all in our head and our bodies are as hot as it ever was. It is time we take our glasses off and look at ourselves through the ones others are looking through. If that means stepping out of your comfort zone and taking a picture or letting someone take one or standing bear in front of a mirror and really looking at yourself and accepting yourself fully. I suggest doing it. It is so refreshing and good being able to really feel that good about yourself. I want to show it to everyone I feel so good. It is such a huge difference from feeling indeferent or just okay with yourself.

It is amazing what one spur of the moment risky photo can do.

{June 15, 2018}   Good Thing I Didn’t Go

To work deliverying pizza’s tonight. Since I didn’t I picked the kids up to go get their hair cut. From there we went to get gas. I went to the newer station I normally do not go to. I normally do not even go that way at all. I like the store just out of the way because I don’t go that way for anything and I don’t like the road it is on. To much traffic takes to long to get anywhere going that way. For whatever reason I went out of my way to go there.

I noticed my air felt warmer than it should. I check the heat gage it seem fine. I got gas started it it still seem warm. But the gage was reading fine. We left and headed home. I was maybe a couple miles up the road and looked down my heat gage was from cold/normal to all the way up and the oil light was on. I pulled over to turn around to go to the shop since I passed it about a mile back. The gage went down and the light went off I thought maybe it was a fluke. I couldn’t get across to turn around so I pulled out to keep going the way I was. A few block’s up it all happen again. I pulled in a parking lot. I shut it off started it in a few it all went back to normal. I seen it was after 430. I finally was able to get across the street where I was at and go back the other way. I got to the shop pulled down the side in front of the bays. I thought they had closed early some were closed but oldest seen a couple were still open. I pulled up got out walked in the bay the newest guy was sitting there. I ask him where boss was he said he went home. I ask him if he could look at my truck told him what it was doing.

He came out looked at it and it was out of water. That isn’t good because I had just put water in it yesterday. He seen me because I did it there before he plugged the two spots in my tire. I checked the oil why he was hosing it down so he could check the water and get the engine cooled too. It had to much oil. We were talking about how it was out of water when I just put water in yesterday. He said something is leaking here, over there and there. I said the radiator was leaking but it stopped.

He said why don’t you talk to boss I could go through this truck and have it in good shape for you in about a day. I said I just have no money to do anything to it. He said yeah but you help out up here and things right. I said yeah, he said I can’t see he wouldn’t or couldn’t help you out. I said O know but he has, he has a lot. He said oh but still. I said yeah I just don’t know what to do with it. It is a mess. I wish someone would help me out and go through it and fix it. But I don’t even have the money for parts right now.

Yesterday I asked the other guy if he put air in the tire it was almost flat and if I bought plugs today when I got paid if he would plug it. He said yeah. In a minute I look the other guy is at my truck he is plugging my tire. He got the patch kit from work and done it. I had a screw and nail in my one tire. He was telling me then he could put the oil cooler on and the starter in an hour or less how bad kt was and if it got worse the water could go in the oil and it would be ruined. I told him I knew. But I was at the hands of everyone else and when they could or would do it. He was saying then ask boss and he would do it. He seems nice and I think he knows his stuff and i think he do the job and not half ass it but like I told him I have no money and boss has helped me a lot. I have always paid for parts but not labor. But I still owe him $400. He knows what I have going on he hasn’t said anything about trying to help me so. I figure maybe the newer guy might say something to him, ask him if he can bring it in one day they are slow or what and go through it. If he offers and brings it up he will probably do it. But I am not asking him anymore right now. They have so much going on and things.

But it is a good thing I didn’t go to deliver pizza’s. Who knows what may have happened. If I had I would of been stuck on the side of the rode or blew my truck up maybe. I should of been on my way to work when it happened. I would not of been close to the shop help or anything.

{June 6, 2018}   Don’t Forget Your Water

I have so much crap that needs done around my house and no energy to do it. I have been sleeping a little more but mostly in the day time after I take my little one to school. I hate it because the other kids sleep too. I really don’t want to but I am just so tired I can’t help it I can’t hold my eyes open. Normally I would clean at night but I have been sleeping so very little I’m exhausted at night and just lay in bed watching the Losers with my little one hoping to sleep but I don’t. Maybe an hour before I have to get the other one off to school.

Both my boys go to see the therapist now. But she only had openings on Wednesday and Thursday. Not a big deal since I am down that way everyday to take my Little Guy to school and pick him up. My Big Boy goes at 3 on Thursday has for a while now, Little Guy goes at 4:30 Wednesday. I feel so stupid, I told my mom I couldn’t take her where she needed to go because I would not be done in time to pick my little guy up and get there.

I only slept a hour Tuesday night, I dropped Little Guy off at school and came home laid down a little bit. I slept about a hour got everyone up ready and went to check out schools. I said if we leave by 12 or a little before we can go from the school to pick the little one up then go to therapy. We left the school and had a little bit of time. I decided to check on another one then go get him. I picked him up and stopped to get gas and the kids a drink. It was so hot and we had been out a few hours by then and was going to be out a few more. It is only about a 15 minute trip from school to therapy. But then when we get to therapy finding a parking place is not always easy. Sometimes I have to circle a few times to find one. It is in the down town historical area. When we do find one we have to walk a few blocks to get to the office. I seen that with traffic and having to park we were going to be a few minutes late. It really isn’t a big deal because she runs over anyway most the time. Its like be here at 3 but 3:05 or 3:10 is fine too. It’s how it is when your working with kids and ones with special needs. It works for everyone. Anyway, I text her and said on the island will be a little late but on the way. I like to tell her even though it isn’t a big deal. This way if she don’t have someone she isn’t wondering if we are coming.

I did not look at her reply, didn’t notice she did until we were walking in the office. I just seen it said 30. I thought great we aren’t late I messed up. We had like 20 minutes or more I took the kids to the part. I let them play a little bit. I seen it was few minutes til 3:30 I got them together and went back. We get up there and these kids walk out and are was so tired I didn’t even notice who they were. We all pass coming and going, I thought oh they are new, they aren’t here at this time most the time, maybe the swapped times for the day. About that time the mom walked out it clicked who it was. It was my Little Bitty’s brothers and their mom. The therapist was standing there going your not supposed to be here your not supposed to be here until 4:30 today. I just looked at her like she had three heads. It was about 20 to 4 she said her others weren’t there so we could see if they showed up. Of course they did. I just looked at her and said lets just forget  it and start over tomorrow. She just looked at me and laughed said ok. Then she stop me and ask me about schools. I think she was just trying to stall until they got gone but then one of the boys came in and wanted the key to the bathroom. We talked a minute and we went on. I don’t know if they were gone or if they were still in the bathroom. I really didn’t even care at that point I was so hot from walking back and forth in the heat and standing out in it while the kids played. The thought of going to sit out there another 45 minutes walking over there and back and back up the stairs there was to much. It’s like a 100 year old building with these horrible 100 year old wood funky steps. I have just about fell down them a few times and i think all the kids have in someway shape or form. Not like rolled down them but tripped stumbled fell straight down on them.

I had my oldest with me I was shocked she didn’t say anything to the kids or about who it was once we left but she didn’t. Today it came up and I told her I didn’t even know who they were at first and I had no clue they were there. She said yeah I put a client between you all so I didn’t have you both here at the same time. My oldest said yeah I was like WHAT when I seen them walk out yesterday. She didn’t know anything about them being there because she wasn’t with us and I hadn’t said anything to her or anything. I think she is afraid that if she see’s me she is going to figure out at some point who I am and that she may start something. I told her long ago I had no problems with her that I had thought about contacting her but wasn’t sure how she would respond. That I wouldn’t start anything there and with the kids. She knows but I think she isn’t sure how she is going to respond. But like she said before she don’t even know my name or anything. All she really knows is hear say from what her mom told her. Whatever the boys said. I don’t think the boys have said anything bad other than they got in trouble for not listening and acting wild.

I just can’t believe that I did that and not only messed up once with the time but twice with it, with in no time at all.

The therapist said her husband said something about her being home early. She said yeah she got there really early then came back in a little bit and it was still early. She said she told him I had all the kids with me, I looked frazzled and just had that look. She said she told him you know that look I get when I’m just done and that’s it. He said OH that look yeah probably better to skip it for the day. I wouldn’t not have skipped it but I knew that she had no one after us and that she could leave and go home. If she had people coming after us and was going to sit an hour just waiting then I would have went back to the part and waited or sat there and waited.

We never miss and if we have to I let her know a week or two before most the time. If not at least a few days. There was one time we didn’t show and I didn’t call her she waited because I got stuck in a test for school. I couldn’t leave to call her or take him. There was once I was having a day about like Wednesday but we hadn’t even gotten out of the house that day and it had been two or three days like that not just one. I text her that morning and said it’s a day a really bad day and we are not coming. Everything is fine everyone is fine but getting there just isn’t going to happen today. There has been times she has text and ask if we can change days or times with another family because they can’t make it at their normal time but can at ours. Sine we have been homeschooling she knows we are really flexible to when we can come in vs kids in school. I don’t mind because she will change things for us if she needs to or if something like the other day happens she don’t flip and you missed if you miss any more or you have to pay a big fee and things. We all work around each other. She has worked with my Big Boy since he was 2 years old so she knows us really well it’s more like friends or family. She says all the time she wish that her son and mine could play together because they get along so well. They use to go to school together so they know each other and were friends. But with him seeing her and things she can’t set up get together s and things.

I want to go to bed earlier it don’t have to even be earlier if I could just go to bed when I normally do and sleep not just lay there up all night would be great. I can stay up until 2 even 3 am then sleep until 7/7:30 and go for the day when I really go to sleep. It don’t bother me. I want to start getting up earlier and try to get the kids on a better sleep times. They are starting school in a few weeks and have to start getting up early and not able to come home and go back to bed in a little bit. I don’t want to be so tired all I do is come home and go to sleep why they are at school either. My goal once they all get back in school is to drop them all off at school, then hit one of the gyms for at least an hour, then come home get cleaned up work on my work for school, do my shopping, go to appointments or whatever I need to do. Then go get them come home have dinner, spend some time with the kids get them ready and in bed. Spend some time doing more work, writing here or just relax a little and go to bed. But the way I feel and things right now I can’t help but lay down and go back to sleep. I try to stay up so I will be sleepy at night, I’m so drained I just sit on the couch and fight to hold my eyes open and think about all the things I should be or need to be doing until I lose the fight and I wake up and it’s an hour or two later. So I just go lay down in my bed so that at least I get some sleep, I’m not hurting from sleeping bunched up on the couch and if I’m not going to be up cleaning I may as well sleep than just sit there doing nothing other than thinking about it all.

It’s after 3:30 and I have to have my boy to school by 8 then pick up a friend and run around to schools to turn in paperwork, get paper work to go with it and everything. I still have to turn in my childcare paperwork because even though I went and got it with in hours of them calling I still haven’t gotten it done either and it has to get in this week only a few days left to get it in. I feel tired but am wide awake can’t sleep.


et cetera
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