{February 15, 2023}   Update 7 December 2021

December will be a few post as a lot happened in December and it would be a lot to put in one post and to keep track of everything. Me and JW talked and he knew how bad things were at home, that I wanted the kids out of this house before Christmas and that we were not finding anything around here. We started talking about moving away again and where to go. He said what about Oklahoma? I said ok if that is where you want to go and willing to go now lets go. I told him I would take vacation we could go find a house. At this point I would of agreed to go just about any where just to get out of that house. I really didn’t care.

I went to work Saturday and the operations manager was there he handles vacations for everyone. I said I need papers to take a vacation. He said where you going? I said Oklahoma. He said what are you going there for? I said to get a house, he has family there and we can’t get anything here. He said then what are you going to do come back and quit? I said I am going there setting my kids up in a house and then me and him will come back and tie up lose ends here and go home. I am having my kids in a place before Christmas and this is the only way to do it. I have to be out of the situation we are in. He said ok but I have to tell the owner. I said ok that is fine I plan to tell him anyway I have no problem telling him, he just isn’t here. You are here you have the paperwork I need so I asked you, I will tell him when I see him next week but you can tell him if you feel you need to.

Monday I had my 3 hour glucose test he took off to drive me because of how sick I go with the one hour one. I took off the day because of how sick I got last time. We went to my test and then we went to the little pizza place here in town by our houses and was having lunch to try and help me feel better.

Why we were eating my phone rang it was the owner at work. I answered and he asked if I was still looking for a house? I told him yes. He said him and his wife had talked it over and they wanted to rent it to me. He said they felt $1600 was fair and that the key was under the paver if we wanted to go look at it. I told him we were at lunch I had my test. He said you can go tomorrow if you want. I said no we were finishing lunch and heading over there.

We went and looked at it and it was perfect for us and a fantastic location. I did not even know houses were back on this street, I thought it was this industrial type area. There is a street off the main road you can get to it and one off the side street and both have businesses all around. You go down the street it turns into a dead end then you can only turn right that street turns into a dead end as well. I am at the very end on the side. There is the house across from me the street in the middle has room you could park like 4 cars maybe before you are at the ditch that runs down beside the house and there is one behind us. So no one can move in on top of us. It has a nice size front yard with a carport. The back is big with two sheds and it’s privacy fenced in. There is a screened in back porch and to the side of that is a large covered area as well that is outside.

In side it has the living room, kitchen, dinning room kind of together. There is a half wall between kitchen, dinning area the top half has a bunch of shelves. Off the kitchen/dinning area is laundry room. Off the living room is a large family room with a fireplace. Down the hall the other way is three bedrooms and a bathroom. Behind the dinning area is office area and a bathroom then to the left where you go to go out the back door is another good size family room.

We were able to give everyone their own rooms. My oldest got the room with the fireplace for her room. My oldest son got the back room on the other side of the office area. Me and JW took the master bedroom and the middle two got the other two rooms.

I ended up getting a bigger bedroom set we went to a king bed from a queen. It came with the whole bedroom set, dresser, chest, night stands. It would not fit in our bedroom. And our bedroom did not have a bathroom either. So I asked my oldest son if he wanted to swap bedrooms. He said yes. He decided once he was back there he didn’t really like it back there.

Right after I had the baby we moved our room to the back and made the baby a little room in the little office area and now we had a bathroom too. We picked up two bi fold doors and put up at the dinning area and put curtains up between our room and the babies area. That worked out much better.

Fast forward to this past weekend February 2023. We just moved my oldest to my middle sons room and my middle son and my youngest daughter to the room with the fireplace. Now the baby is getting the small room my youngest daughter was in.

I did this because the baby being in the office area isn’t working well, he isn’t sleeping good if we do anything other than be silent and just go straight to sleep. Going to shower wakes him up and he is up for the night or hours. Because the bathroom is on the other side of his room. We can’t just watch a move or show before we go to sleep. It’s just not working he isn’t sleeping through the night he needs to be and should be. I think moving him will help.

My youngest last Easter told me she was moving into her brothers room. She started sleeping in there on the bunk or one of the extra mattresses in his room. I would not let her move her dresser and toys in there. There was no room and I didn’t figure it would last. But here we are a year later and she is still in there and her room sits unused. So I figured if it isn’t being used he may as well have it and they can divide the room in half and put something up if they don’t want to share. Oldest got my the room they were sharing because it is bigger than the room the baby is getting. They are all happy.

I got the house because my boss now who I asked for vacation paperwork said he went to the owner that Monday while I was out. He said he told the owner they had to do something they were about to lose me. He asked why? He told him I was going out of state to get a house because I couldn’t find one here. He said I don’t have a house to give her so and walked off.

My boss had the house empty for almost 9 months. I had offered to rent it site unseen and offered him more than what he ended up renting it to me for. He would not do it. He kept pushing me to buy it and I do not want to buy here and could not if I wanted to. I had to get my income up. So when he went to him told him I needed a house he didn’t have one and not to lose me he knew he had that one he could rent me. That is when he called me and said I could have it go look at it.

{February 26, 2021}   652, 623, 618 Still Not Good Enough

Last year around November you may remember I checked on buying a house. They said I needed a 620 or better credit score. Well about a month ago I was going by the place where they sell new trailers and decided to stop in look around and ask all the questions.

I was surprised she said I should have no problem getting a place with my income and credit. They had some nice place. All they had on the lot were 3 bedrooms. I asked about bigger places she said 4 was about as big as you wanted to go. Because the rooms start to get small.

I came home and started looking them up and seen them with 5 bedroom 3 bathrooms living room and family room. The rooms were really good size still. I picked out 2 floor plans I liked. She told me that I should take my down payment pay cash for the land and use it as the down payment for the trailer. So I started looking at land. Then I had some questions so I went back the next weekend. This time I talked to a guy. Boy was I glad I stopped in before I bought property.

He answered my questions and showed me the plans I was looking at on the computer told me what 3 bedroom model they were on the lot. Then he said I needed to get everything done right then or very soon so they could get my order in. Because they are on back order until December!!

The women told me I could move in June if I got everything rolling in February. I can’t wait til December. He said if I Wanted to roll part or all the land into fencing I would need a 640. Needless to say I left feeling defeated.

So since my scores were over 620 I decided to call the mortgage guy. Who in November said get it over 620 you can get a house. He basically acts as if I am bothering him and says no I need a 640. I told him I just wanted to buy not build. He said I still needed 640. I didn’t have enough down. I have like $10k down. I hung up and decided I wasn’t going to deal with him. A few days later the guy at work gave me a number to someone who can get me the money and find the house. Do it all like my boss did when I bought my first house.

I called him he said since fucking covid they went up on what they want and I need a 640 for my middle score. I knew it was middle. Mine weren’t close to there. They updated and one shot to 652 the others went up but still 17 points from 640. Then something hit my credit and knocked my other score back to 580 something. Now I am waiting until Sunday when they update again to see if my 623 goes to 640 and my 652 stays. I was even looking for someone to add me as a user on their credit card. If they have had it for a while with no late payments and at around 10% usage it will bust my credit. I wouldn’t need access to the card, nothing would happen to their credit nothing. Once I close they can take me off. If my dad was here I would of had my new house for Christmas.

But with every thing happening around here and what happen Monday. I think I am going to call him I need him to just find me a house to rent. I am going to find out what happens if I get a rental then buy. If my score don’t go up then i can work on it a bit.

Rents are just so high and still going up. Why a trailer seemed good. I would have a bedroom for everyone. Girls would have a bathroom boys would and I would. We would have a family room that could be used for all kinds of things and even a 6th bedroom if we needed. Plus it would be brand new never lived in warranty on everything. I have land. I would have around $140,000 into it. I cant even get a 3 bedroom for that. It would be mine. I could have and do whatever I wanted.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. I had found about 5 or 6 house’s I wanted to look at. The one I really liked was in a really nice area. They were all 4 bedroom 2 or more bath. I made my mind up if I buy it is going to be at least a 4\2. I can’t touch a 5\2. It surprised me what a jump in price for an extra bedroom. I found a 3 bed with a finished garage. It was a two car i could put a few walls and couple doors to make 2 more bedrooms. I liked it but liked the others better. But in the last 2 days all but two of them are gone. I am thinking maybe waiting to see what comes up the next few months too and if prices drop. I don’t know what to do at this point.

{December 8, 2020}   We Made A Plan

One day last week was when I was talking to Sleeping Beauty and figured out what was really wrong. I haven’t gotten to talk to JW about it as of yet. But we did get together Sunday. I went to get him so he could go shopping and things.

He was still sleeping when I got there so I laid down with him. In a little bit he woke up we spent some time together. We finally got up got ready and left. I went to this little out of the way store to check it out and when we left we wanted a drink. I stopped at a little store but then thought lets go get something to eat. I just wanted to sit down have a talk. I was either way didn’t matter to me if we ate or not. So I ask him if he wanted to go eat he said yes. So we didn’t even get a drink we headed down a few blocks to go eat. He seen a car show wanted to go. He wanted to eat first. So we went in to have breakfast.

I think he brought up trying to find a place to move together. He was talking local. I told him I didn’t want to do that anymore. That I didn’t feel it was best at this point. He looked funny and kind of worried.

I have been looking since the first of the year to find something with no luck. Now I am 3.5 months or so from my lease being up. Even if we found something by the first I am so close to my lease being up it don’t make since to have that fight with getting out of my lease. AND if we get into a lease right now we will be in it for a year. Meaning moving away is put on hold again. My big reason for not wanting to do it. If we didn’t we would be leaving on another lease that would be two back to back and that would not look good.

I asked him did he still want to move up by his kids? He said yes he would like to. I told him I think I need to at this point suck it up stay where I am and when my lease is up at the end of March we need to get out of here. He wasn’t looking to sure about that. I told him I can have between $8,000 and $10,000 by then. Plus I have money every month coming in. We can go get a place pay rent up a few months what I have coming in monthly will pay bills. If he saves between now and then we will have that money as well. We talked about him moving in with me after the first that will save over $1000 right there. I am thinking about finding a 2nd job after Christmas until we go. I can put all that in the bank and not touch it. He already works all day everyday Monday-Saturday so no time for him to get another job.

I hope he don’t make an excuse or something when the time comes. I have made my mind up I am going with or without him. If he does me that way. I will just call my friend J and tell her get ready make room we are on our way and go to South Carolina instead of Georgia. It don’t matter to me where I go as long as I am out of here.

But I think he is onboard he even said he think it be best because we can’t afford to live here. He wanted to keep rent $1000 or under. Last few times we talked he was like I told so and so if he seen anything for $1300 or less. But really we are going to have to pay at least $1500 a month if we stay here. He is starting to see how it is because I have been looking at places to live up around where we are looking to go and i can still find decent stuff in the $800 range. New and a lot nicer than where we are right now. If we went for something in the $1000 range we can get a huge place. Enough room no one can complain. For $900 to $1000 I can get 5 bedroom. I would like for the kids to have their own rooms.

I feel good we have a plan because like I told him if we don’t decide this is what we want to do when we want to go how and when all we are ever going to do. Until we are stuck here with no money and homeless because we can’t afford anything. Rent has went up $500 since January. I can’t imagine what it will be here by March when my lease is up. They are getting $800 for a bedroom in someone’s house. It is unreal how bad it has gotten.

{August 16, 2020}   Might Move To The Beach

As I told you in Falling A Part Around Us

I am over this house and still want to move even though I have a new lease I started in March. It is going to be hard to get in a place when they know I am leaving on a lease, the upfront money everywhere wants you to have and to show 3x the rent in income.

I thought of the owner at my job saying if she had something then she would rent it to me. So Monday I went and asked her if they had anything open or would anytime soon. She said no and then said her husband had this one. She said it was on the beach that they had owned it for 6 years he had done nothing with it. She said he was finally fixing it getting it ready to rent it should be done soon. She said it is a 3/2 older house but fixed up and nice and good size for me and the kids. She said she was going to talk to her husband about it let me know. I told her what all was going on at my house now and things. She said no we need to get you out of there.

Last week was a shit show at work. That ended with us having to call 911 for one of their son’s. So needless to say I haven’t heard from her about it yet. I did ask her about it Wednesday. She said no she hadn’t talk to him with everything going on. I don’t blame her really.

So now I wait and you know how hard that is for me. I am stuck because I don’t know anything about this house. I know the town or city it is in and it is pretty nice. It is right outside the gate of the military base. So a lot of them live right there. They get first preference to places to live in the area most the time. So a decent area. You don’t hear of things happening there to much. But i haven’t seen the house to know if it will work for us. She hasn’t given me an idea what rent will be nothing. I know she has to talk to him it’s just hard to wait for something you know nothing about or if it will work.

I told her me and the kids would be moving in then between now and the first of the year he would be. She didn’t care at all. I told her we both had bigger dogs and she didn’t care. She was just like I’m not worried about all that. Glade i met someone or was with someone. This is the place for us if size and rent wise it works. She isn’t worried about him or dogs and knows I am leaving on my lease. Understands why. She was shocked when I said I had been here in my house now since March 2014.

I told JW what she said about having one place that would be ready in a bit. The size that she didn’t mind him or the dogs or my lease and things. All about it but where it was. He asked finally. I said that is the thing where it is. He said why? What’s wrong with where it’s at? I said well it’s on X Beach. He didn’t know what to say. He was excited because he wants to move to the beach. But then was talking how far from work and having to get a car and things. It would take me half hour to drive him to work and then another 20 minutes to half hour to backtrack to work myself. Then I have to go get him we would have to backtrack home. Lot of driving. But hopefully we can get a car and things fairly quickly. And then he can get a better job. I don’t want him working 10/11 hours a day 6 days a week. I want to see him spend time with him and us to have time to do things with the kids. Him working like this won’t do it.

As soon as we have a car and things for him to drive then I can change my hours as well. I can go in at 7/730 and be off by 330/4. Right now I can’t go in early because I have to have him to work by 9 so i can be there by 930. Puts me off the earliest is 6. But if he can get a car get his self there or get a job closer to home I can start going in early. That would be nice. Only reason i go in so late now was because of school for the kids. I stay til 630 so i get to him by 7 when he gets off. I see him a bit then go home. I don’t want to be home so it works. But I want to get off early come home to just my kids and do stuff with them.

We will be a mile or less to the beach probably. Walking distance. I told him I would be over there all the time at night walking. I could take the kids they could look for shells, crabs and all kinds of things. They would have a blast. He is already talking about being out there on Sunday a few hours. I just looked at him. He said what I’ll take all the kids we will have fun you can relax and have a break or go with us sometimes. He loves the beach. I just hope it works out.


{August 5, 2020}   Falling Apart Around Us

I am so over my house it is falling apart all around us. It seems like everyday is something new I go home to broken. It isn’t things we are doing anything to. The a/c messed up again had to call about that yesterday.

Get home last night to one of the boys windows hanging half out of the frame. The rod it slides on is stuck in the up position didn’t go down with the window. So now it is jammed and won’t open or close all the way. I messed with it can’t get it to close. I folded a blanket up stuffed in the open part try to keep the a\c in and closed the blind. The windows have never open and closed right from the time I moved in. I told them that. They never did anything. I never pushed it because we hardly ever open them.  I could open them but the kids didn’t realise what was happening and that one couldn’t be open at all. Not their fault.

The light in my bathroom goes off sometimes and comes on sometimes if you get it off. You have to stand there flip the switch on and off a million times until it comes on or goes off. The kids were using it so i got it on and now it just stays on.

Just to fix those 3 things is going to cost me $300. They charge $100 for everything they have to come out there for. These things are not my fault. We didn’t tell the a/c go stop working or flood my house. And they have it rigged it does not drain outside of my house. There some box catching water. So i should not be paying for this at all that is not my fault it is that way.

The light is probably a lose wire. That is wear and tear and part of being an old house. We didn’t take it off and unhook a wire. How is it right I have to pay that.

The window’s I told them did not work. They did not fix them. They look like they came from a scratch and dent sale. Most have a crack in them in the corner. I know they did not break every window putting them in so they had to of bought them that way from somewhere. But they will charge me. It was $100 when they came for the air it will be $100 for that when they come.

I just want out. It serves its purpose it isn’t a bad house over all. Most people are surprised how big and “nice” it is when they walk in. But it’s all the little things you don’t notice until you start living in it or something happens and they don’t want to fix it.

I know what he paid for the house and I have paid it off and paid for the new roof and a/c that they have done since I lived there. I am sure the taxes are more than covered. They are not paying for anything it is all profit other than maybe insurance for the house if something happens and i am sure that what I pay in a year covers that as well. So everything else profit. You would think they could fix something. Oh and the pluming that has been messed up I have paid a bunch for plumbers they wont fix. I have lived in other houses and owned my own and never had so many problems it sucks.

I have noticed a common theme among guys who pay child support. I find it rather laughable to say the least. It also made me stop and think, are they all really that dumb?

It seems that if a man pays child support he thinks the money goes to the mother and the mother rushes right out and spends it on herself, her friends, boyfriend and whoever else maybe around.

They think we spend it going out and partying, trips, our hair, nails and anything else that we feel like while the kids never see a dime of it. I have no idea where they came up with this idea or how they work this out in their heads and even make it make since that this is what we do with it. Because lets face it kids are not cheap. Even the very basics no frills out once in a while or never kind of thing is expensive.

To top it off most these guys are paying next to nothing in all reality for more than one kid and still think this. Like my ex and Jw. For 3 kids they are/were/supposed to pay around $125 a week. So that is $500 a month. So split that between 3 kids that is about $167 a month. Now lets break this down and see of it makes since to you all.

Kids need…

A house






Money for field trips/school

It cost money for

Up keep on a car to take them places gas for it insurance and all that.

They want to buy things here and there

Before I finish breaking this down let me say this, yes I understand I would need a place to live, a car, have a light bill, water bill and things like that even if I didn’t have the kids. But if I didn’t have the kids I could have a smaller place, pay less of a light bill, water bill, spend less on food and things like that. So yes all this needs to be included and factored in. Because I have heard that and from some of these guys and others as well.

Okay now lets break this all down, lets start with rent say $800 a month break that down between 5 people that is $160 each a month. That is $240 his half. Now guy is paying $500 a month for 3 kids giving them each $167 a month. That leaves them each $80 after paying their part of the rent, lights are $20 each so that is $100 each paid now they each have $40 left. Food is $500 a month making it $50 each for food and they are now $10 short of their food budget. We haven’t touched water, school, net, extra things they want to do or anything else. That is splitting the rent it would cost for them in half the amount of the lights in half and everything else. I know that isn’t how they split it but this is what it cost at the end of the day to keep these kids. Even if that isn’t how they figure support. They are getting off lucky because they are not figuring that way. They also do not look at the fact that the one with the kids has no freedom and has to always worry about think about and make sure the kids are taken care of every second of every day why they can go about their day and never even think of their kids for days or years at a time.

So now I would like someone to explain to me how the hell do they think we spend anything at all of their money on ourselves or anyone else but the kids? Even if I or any other mother out there was to go out and have a drink, get our hair colored or went to dinner one night and used the money we got that week as “child support” we are not using your child support. We have already used our money to pay for all the things that our children needed the rest of the week, month or year. Because we can’t just wait for you to pay us before we pay the bills. We can’t tell the owner oh my ex pays support on Friday I will have it by Wednesday so just wait and I will give it to you then. Or the light company I know you want your money on Tuesday but I won’t have it until Wednesday. No I have to go into my pocket and use my money to pay them and skip doing things that I had planed or would like to do. So by the time I get the money you are supposed to give me then I am just getting the money I already spent back. So how are we spending “their” money on anything for us? Your kids have a home, shoes, clothes, lights, food, water and taken care of. Your money has not been spent on anyone but your kids.

Jw, said yeah I thought my ex was spending my money on herself until both my girls told me it went to them to cover all their school trips and things they needed for school. I said how would you even think that? What you pay and the number of kids and how much it cost to take care of them? He said yeah I know now but it is just something you think or feel when your paying it. But I understand what your saying and get it. He said we just don’t think about it the same way I guess.

Like he got mad at his ex because she had to go to child support enforcement. He was paying but not through the court and not the same amount I guess each week or what. Whatever reason she had to go down and get help from the state. I don’t know her if she does it all the time or got in a jam or what it was. I assume she must of lost her job or what the time it was and everything that was going on and didn’t have a choice. He is so mad at her because she agreed that their set up was good and not to go to child support. They had been doing it that way for a long time.

He has said something about it a few times when we were talking. I said to him the other night. I said Honey, how can you really get mad at her for going to them. I said she needed help to take care of your kids and provide what they needed. Instead of sitting there letting them go without she did what she had to do to take care of them and get them what they needed because you didn’t have the extra at the time or she was trying to keep from asking you and do her part or what she had to, to cover her part. If you have to go to them they make you go to child support and do what they want and they make you go after the other parent. If you don’t they will not help you. I said so it really isn’t her fault that they are involved. He just stopped for a minute and looked at me didn’t say anything. He just said yeah got quite after that.

But it is true would he rather his kids do without just so child support don’t get involved?

I don’t see how these guys don’t think about this stuff logically.

{February 11, 2020}   No Luck Finding A Place

I have about 5 weeks to move and need to give my 30 day note next week so they know I am leaving. The only problem is I can not find a place to move to that isn’t hundreds out of my budget.

I need a 3+ bedroom place that takes pets that is no more than $1000 a month. Our 1 bedrooms are starting at $800+ a month. The only thing I have found is down by my night job and I really do not want to live in that area at all. I hate the traffic and the drive in the morning is going to be horrible to get to my day job. I do not know what to do. Plus JW job is over by where we live now he would have to get there and back.

He keeps showing me others at higher prices I keep telling him I can’t. He says but I’m going to be there to help. I finally told him the other day, nothing against him but when I do this I have to know that I can cover rent and all my bills 100% on my own. Yes he will at some point be there to help. But what about until then? What about if something happens and he can’t or don’t come? What if one of us loses a job or something? What if something happen to one of us the other is stuck paying it on their own. If it was me he would be okay he could move. It was him I’m stuck, I can’t move and down size.

Like I told him too, i would like to get to working one job. I would like for him to get to doing a normal 40 hour week. Not working 6 days a week. I would like for us to still be able to save and do things aas well not just get by or maintain. He said yes he understood, I was right, he just wanted to see me and the kids get moved and be somewhere decent and not stuck where we are. That he would help as much as he could even before he moved in and things. But we shouldn’t put us out for more than we really need too.

I have 3 places to call about tomorrow I hope one of them comes through.

{February 3, 2020}   Not Home

I called Bff Saturday night she said she had to go get her leg checked for a blood clot it had been bothering her for days and was worse the last few hours. I said so you need me to take you to the hospital okay let me drop the kids off. We were just leaving the store after being out all day and headed home anyway.

I got them home left and called her. She said she was already on her way there. I told her I could meet her there but she said one of the kids was going with her. She may need me to come pick her up if they found something and kept her. I told her okay I was already out I was going over to JW’s house. Let me know if she needed something or me to come up there.

We were driving and talking I got to his house went and knocked on the door. No one answered. I knocked again the dog started barking. I notice the outside light was off. I said he isn’t home!!

I had just been messaging back and forth with him he was home just got a shower and things. He was talking about his back bothering him from stuff he did at work and all. He wasn’t talking like he was going anywhere and he normally tells me he is thinking about going here or there or going to. So I was confused how he was gone that fast.

We have this thing I send him little eyes looking around here and there. I drive by work or pull up send them. He calls me his stalker. He was the stalker to start with he would be at his friends over here by my house and send me messages I see you and stuff. Its just been a on going joke.

So about the time I am saying to her he isn’t home and noticing the light out my phone says I have a message. I pull it down to look at it and it is the eyes I normally send him. I look around thinking he is sitting back watching me. I figured he walked up to the little store seen my car when he rounded the corner. I don’t see him anywhere when I am looking up and down the street.

I said to her let me call you back. I need to call him. As I said it and hung up I thought he is at his friends house next to mine.

I called, he answered I asked him where he was? He said at his friends house. I laughed and said I’m sitting in your drive way. He said what? You’re at my house? I said yes. He said okay I will be there in about 10 minutes or so. I’m only going to be here about 5 minutes. I have to go in a minute pick something up. I said no it is okay just stay there hang out I will see you another time. He insisted no, he wasn’t staying there he was just there to pick something up he would be right back not to go anywhere.

I ran to the little store got a drink he messaged said he was home I wasn’t there. I told him I was at the store. I went back over and hung out for a while.

He said yep I got over there was like watch this, I’m do her like she does me. Then your car wasn’t there you call say your at my house.

We hung out and went over to the store. I wanted to look at some things and he needed to pick up some stuff. I went home around midnight. I felt bad for not staying home with the kids and Little Bitty but I was going to go with her to the hospital and they were already drinking their milkshakes and going to bed. I figured I would run over there for a little bit. It was already 9 or after.

I don’t know what to do or how to handle things, I am so exhausted. Trying to work, be there for the kids, do everything I need to do and still make time for him and see him or us to have time together. I was already exhausted before he came in the picture, it isn’t his fault. He keeps telling me that things will get better, things will be different once I get moved and when he moves in. He will be able to help or will help more. Help take care of the house and kids. I won’t have to work two jobs and things. I just don’t know. I am not looking for him to move in anytime soon. He is looking at moving soon a lot sooner than I am ready for. He said something the other day about May if he was with me. Meaning staying with me. I just said yeah I think that is going to be a little to soon. He said I told you when you are ready.

When I move I am not putting him on the lease, I am looking for something that I can afford and handle on my own because this is to new and no matter when he moves in it could always end and I could be right back to doing it on my own and have to do it until we decide it is okay for him to move in.

{April 6, 2019}   So Much To Do

It is after 11 am and I am still laying in my bed. I should of gotten up a long time ago. They are coming to look at the house tomorrow and I have to clean and get ready.

I have to clean the fans and blinds. It gets so dusty in my house so fast. The dust gets thick in no time. Even on my walls. I have never lived somewhere dust builds up on the walls and the ruff. It is like a every few weeks/monthly thing that needs done. Fans too even when you use them. I hate it and it has been let go for a bit. Now I have 24 hours to get it all done. Fans in all the rooms and a ton of windows and blinds. I just want to pull it all down and buy new but they will need done in a few weeks.

I just have to get it done and stay on top of it. I think because I am on a main road at a main intersection for our area. Tons of cars go by in a day. You wouldn’t think that much would come in but I think the a/c is bringing it in.

Little Bitty’s bday was Thursday, I took her and the rest of the kids to the fair. Now we have to do cake and gifts at some point today.

And be ready to go out of town for a while with Bff and all the kids for a while tonight maybe. I am still laying here like I have nothing to do. I am stressing about it all mostly the house and this lady coming. But I can’t force myself up to do anything about it. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am stressing but don’t care at the same time. Guess I should go make lunch and try to get this all done.

{March 1, 2019}   I Messaged Him

Edited to fix what I said to him. Because for some reason it posted the wrong thing.

When I got off work I decided to go ahead and message him. I didn’t want to while I was at work because I wanted to be able to respond if he did. I didn’t yesterday because I was pulling in work it was swamped and it was all I could do to function much less think and respond to him.

I pretty much just said what I wrote in my other post………You know what why you want to pop off about 20?s i was just asking because I care not trying to start shit. You know what I had been doing the last few days since we got together? Trying to figure out how to get me new vehicles so that I could give you mine and trying to figure out a way for you to start saving money to get your license back. Figure out if i could help you find a different job how I could help you get to it and somewhere you could move to closer so that you weren’t so far away. So I want to thank you and tell you how glad I am you decided you just want to be friends before I spent time making it all happen. Maybe sometimes you should ask questions instead of being so with drawn and popping off about someone wanting to talk or ask questions. I wanted you to ride with me because i wanted to talk to you about all.

I just worded it a little different. I don’t know where he is staying the last few nights or what he is doing. I know if he is home he may not get it until who knows when because of service. If he is staying anywhere else he should of gotten it right away. He said he was going to be staying over here next to me this weekend working for a guy we know. Fixing the house he is moving out of. I don’t know if he still is or if he is there tonight. But he would of gotten it there too.

I don’t really think he will respond to it because there isn’t a lot he can say. Other than not to message him leave him alone or whatever. But it will be something he will think about that will stick with him. Maybe make him think about what he is doing what he is missing out on or what.

Like Bff said what was that comment about his kids? I said yeah I know. I said because he wants it but he is letting everyone get in his ear and in his head and he is self medicating.

I hope this don’t end badly with him what he is doing. I don’t want to see anything happen to him over all this. But if he keeps on I am scared what may happen.

et cetera
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