{December 14, 2020}   Abuse Is Love

In my last post I said I wasn’t sure what was worse in an abusive relationship, not feeling loved or feeling abuse was love? I think what is worse is when one feels that abuse is love.

I think that feeling abuse is just how one shows love or that it is normal is worse and more damaging. For the one’s who feel it is normal are the one’s who fall back into abusive relationship after another. Or stay to long or all together and don’t try to leave. For whatever reasons this is how their brain has been wired. Maybe they grew up in abusive household were they seen this between mom and dad. This was their normal. They for whatever reasons wasn’t shown love in life to know the difference. Maybe they didn’t grow up with seeing abuse or being around it and they just ended up with the wrong person and they have convinced them this is what love is.

Whatever the reason they find their self in this kind of situation or ending up in them repeatedly isn’t their fault. No matter what one has or hasn’t been through, being abused is not their fault. No one for any reason deserves to be abused. They weren’t asking for it nor did they do anything to cause it. The real problem lyes with in the abuser.

Then you have other’s who find their self in an abusive relationship, while they don’t feel love they know this is not right. They know they need to get out and away. They know that this is not what love is. They just have to figure out how to get out of it and away without making things worse. Once they do they shy away from relationships and pull out that microscope when they think maybe they are ready for one. It takes them awhile to let anyone get close or let anyone in.

But their down fall is they know what it is like to not feel loved and they don’t want others to feel that way. So they sometimes attract the wrong kind of people. They attract others who have been hurt and unloved. Some of them may be abusers too. While they may get close and feel the fire they also see a lot through that microscope and keep them at just enough distance. They have figured out how to set boundaries. So they play with the fire but don’t jump into it. While they still may get hurt it is more feelings and not abuse like in the past.

But when they finally find that one and they let them in they are all in. But they like I said before have their partner under the scope and looking to much into things. They hopefully realise it is more their self than their partner.

We have to know that we have our partner under that scope. When we see something that triggers us, we have to step back and ask ourselves why. Not move in for the kill and blow up on our partner. We have to ask ourselves are we triggered because of things from the past? If so we have to take the past out of it and look at here and now. Look at our partners as our partners. Not as our ex’s. Then we have to look at what it was that triggered us and ask ourselves the past aside in the here and now with this person. Is this really that big of a problem? If so why and work it out.

{February 23, 2020}   Hurting Children

As I sat and reflected on the last month, dealing with the 5th anniversary of my dads death and the major depression that sets in that I can’t shake no matter how hard I try. Then me and Jw getting together and all the changes in my moving plans. The trust issues and all that brought up it has been one hell of a ride to say the least.

When I was thinking about me and Jw and how I just wanted to call things off before they have even had a chance, how I figured if I just told him that one thing, or if he seen me on a bad night when I wasn’t coping well he just walk away. Like all the rest who walked away for much lesser of reasons than what I was thinking about throwing at him. If I just told him all the bad and let him in on it all he run. It show he was lying not in it for the long run, not in it for the reasons he said he was, that he was just saying what I wanted to hear.

I thought about how I finally had to tell him and his responce. I thought about the night we went to the beach and how bff said I cried he just sat and held me. She said you just cried in his arms he just held you pulled you in. She said she was just amazed the way he reacted. He didn’t get mad, ignore me, move away or what. I thought about how he keeps saying he is here for me, to help me anyway he can i will let him. He is fine with handling things with the kids. How he keeps saying he isn’t going anywhere we will figure things out, work through things he isn’t giving up that easy.

As I was thinking about all this, and thinking wow maybe he really means it. He really isn’t going anywhere. This voice in my head said like the kids in foster care who have been hurt, broken and bounced around so much because no one could handle them. They get lucky and find that one person who isn’t going to give up and they don’t believe it’s true. They fight and rebel even harder because it is a battle of the wills between the two. The child knows if they do that one thing it will push the caregiver over the edge they will send them back or walk away like the rest. But the caregiver knows they can’t walk away because it is a test. They have to keep standing firm in what they said show love even if it has to be tuff love sometimes. Because they know the child is scared, hurt, broken and needs time to come around. If they throw in the towel as soon as it gets a little hard they are telling that child the same as everyone else who walked away. It isn’t teaching the child nothing, just reenforcing what they already think and feel.

Us adults at times I think revert to hurt, broken, rebelus kids who have been kicked, knocked down and walked away from. When something good comes along we want to run them off, hurt them before they hurt us.

I know this and have said it about myself before I’m sure. I know I have said it about others. But for some reason thinking about it and myself as the one doing it, putting it in that prospective just made much more since to me. I don’t know why. But it helped a lot.

{April 10, 2019}   Maybe He Is The One

Today when thinking about Special K I had the fleeting thought of why not just get together and give it a try. What is the worse that could happen? The thought left as quick as it came and I went on with the thought of I can’t do that.

Then I was writing my last post a few things I wrote made me stop and really think. Now I don’t know what to think or feel or why I want to call him but don’t want to call him.

He is my “safe” person, my comfort without getting to close or involved. I typed that and it was like a light bulb went on kind of moment. Am I resisting so much because he is “safe” and because the odds are it could work out and we could be happy? Is the reason I keep going after or more interested in these others because subconsciously I know it isn’t going to work out? That is okay with me because I am scared to get to close and end up hurt? With the others I’m looking at things different and going in with a different perspective than I am with him because of the way things are or have been?

With the others like Sleeping Beauty I know he has a problem and there could be issues and things but I was willing to give it a try and see if we could help each other out and go from there. But realistically knew that we may not end up being together long term even though I would like to be.

With Mr. Responsible I went and seen him interested but not really sure how I felt about him or more with him. Figured I just see where it went. No expectation of it working out.

Then others that I have talked to I knew pretty much upfront if I was interested in seeing if it went anywhere or just to be strictly nothing more than just friends that is it.

But with Special K we have built a relationship of sorts, and here we are all these years later and he has tried how many times to get me to be more so there is something there. I never thought we would be doing what we are all these years later. But here we are and he is still trying to get me to be more and he is working on things in his life more and trying to have more or do better. Am I pushing him away and making excuses because I am afraid of losing my “safe” person, my comfort person? Because if it didn’t work for some reason it would effect me and hurt me because of the relationship we have.

Have I put to much thought into it and come up with so many reasons or excuses because I am afraid of how things may turn out and getting hurt. Because again being very honest sitting there talking and hanging out and laying there with him at different times I have had to stop myself from telling him I love him. I just sit there or lay there and think and why are we doing what we are doing? Why aren’t we together? Why do you keep telling him no and pushing him away? Then my brain says because of this and because of that and don’t you remember he said this or that before? He is just like the rest just telling you what you want to hear. But is he really because we been doing this for so long now. Really think about it he has the best set up right now. He gets it when he wants it or we can get together and has not responsibility or obligation or anything else, free to see others get in a relationship with someone else if he wants or whatever. But he still keeps asking to have more. Now I write all that and there goes my brain over thinking it looking to much into it. It’s saying why dose he want more? He does have a good set up right now why does he want you? Why does he want more with you. Has it all been self sabotaging all along? Am I really that messed up and jaded from all I have been through? Have I not made any progress at all from where I was when I got out of it all and where I am today? Is this normal? This isn’t normal? It can’t be normal right?

I got Mr. 8 off to school and laid back down with Little Bitty who was still sleeping. I talked to Bff for a bit and had about 45 minutes before I had to get up and get ready and leave for work. I tried to go to sleep and woke myself up dreaming and talking in my sleep. I don’t ever know of me talking in my sleep. I have been dreaming a lot this last week. A lot about my dad and him being a live but not being able to get to him or see him. Something is wrong I never “find” him or get to “see” him. I don’t know what that is all about. I don’t even know what I was dreaming about this morning it was like as soon as my eyes closed I was dreaming and fighting or something. Like I said I woke myself up. It had only been minutes, I didn’t even know  you can start dreaming that fast.

I laid there for about 20 more minutes and finally got up. I heard my phone go off but never looked to see what it was or who. I figured it was Bff sending me something. When I decided to get up I looked to see what she had said. It wasn’t her, it was Sleeping Beauty. I seen seen hey I’m sorry, I thought what? Then I read the rest.

It said hey I’m sorry but we are not together or getting together okay? I was really confused because I never said anything the one asked last night and I said no. I never acted like we were or anything like that didn’t think anyone had or was. I said I know this were did this come from? He didn’t answer so I asked again. Where this came from.

Finally he said because the kids were talking to him after I left and thy told him I said it. I asked what kids? Bff’s kids? I said no I never said anything to any of the kids about anything not even the other week. I never anything to any of them. He says I heard different just saying. I told him I didn’t know unless Bff said something to them the other week they thought from that. I told him he heard me tell her right there when she asked no. and asked him who said it. Of-course he came off with he wasn’t getting into it he was at work he just saying.

I just told him that other than her asking when we were both sitting there and him knowing I told her no he was there if something was said after I left I would like to know what by who? Not just shit being said to me about something I know nothing about. I said unless they heard bff tell her ol man that he was coming with me because she didn’t want him getting pissed off at her about you being there. I told him she told me yesterday sh told him that. I told him I would put a stop to that if I had to tell him myself. We went back and forth because he coming off with what did I just say I don’t want to talk about it. I told him he was the one messaged me starting on me about something I knew nothing about. Instead of asking what they were talking about or if I said something? While I had already sat there with you and told her no. While you said nothing sitting there looking at me like you didn’t know what to say. I’m not talking about it no more I told you and her you go still texting.

I said why message me if you don’t want to talk? If there is nothing to talk about or you didn’t want to talk then there was no reason to say something to start with. He says Stop

I was done, I said, I will just got to the one who said something figure it all out set shit straight after work. Have a good day.

He wanted me to stop I was stopping. Then he messaged me back again after that said no your not just leave the kids out of it damn.

I said don’t worry about it, you don’t want to talk I will figure it out. and left it at that. He hasn’t said anything back since then. I told Bff that he will probably message her about it since I said I was going to go talk to the kids. But what he don’t know is that me and Bff have already talked about it. I messaged her right away and told her we needed to talk because I wanted to know what was said by who and why he was coming at me with all this to start with before I messaged him. I figured if something was said that would be a problem she would of said something, it seems he is making more out of something that was said than there is to it.

Like Bff said, did the kids really say something or has this just all been on his mind since we were all together last night? He felt he needed to say something for some reason?

I was already thinking who is he trying to convince here we are not together me or him? Because I’m good but he don’t seem to sure the look he had the other night and the fact he keeps bringing it up? I had said that to her in a messages on line that she hadn’t even read yet.

I also told her when he first said this and started that next Sunday when we all get together I am going to call all the kids in together at one time and make sure he is there too. I am going to say I have something to say, Me and Sleeping Beauty are not together or getting together, we are all just friends. I guess something was said last week about I said something about us being together or getting together I don’t know what was said or why but I haven’t told any of you anything like that so something was taken wrong somewhere along the line. This clears everything up.

She said she was going to tell him that we were going to handle it and do this Sunday, I told her if she does I bet he stops coming around and to just not say anything about it if he messages her or calls. Just to tell let him talk or what. Because I want to see what the kids say Sunday with him sitting there. If they say we never said you two were together or or this was what was really said or just the one says I asked and you said no that was all that was ever said. Because if he is saying the kids said something that they didn’t then I want to know that too. If that is the case then I don’t think he needs to be around if he is going to do stuff like that.

Bff says maybe he just said it wrong or didn’t know how to word it or what. He isn’t much of a talker he don’t like to talk and things. I said I don’t care, don’t come at me saying I was told you said this or this and then not want to talk about it or tell me where it came from what was said or what. It’s like it was said so it is true I’m telling you and your not supposed to have anything to say about it. I don’t get it with him. I told her it’s like he wants someone that he just says what he has to say and that is it your listen and don’t have a response back. That shit don’t fly with me friend or other wise. She says you don’t know how he was done in the past and how he was treated and things. You don’t know what his relationships in the past were like. I don’t care I know everyone comes up with their own coping whatever’s, but you can’t do this kind of thing you are not ever going to get anywhere have more in life.

Like I told her too, I think he still has this very distorted or twisted thought about something I have done or I am doing. It is like all of a sudden he just has this picture or idea about me that is so bad. The comment he made about being out and talking to people and something else he said yesterdays and this.  Just being around him it’s like he really don’t want to be around me but then one minute he is messaging me about his aunt or what then the next its something like this. I don’t know I don’t get it. Like I told Bff, I wish I had just left him alone and never even started talking to him to start with when I looked him up. But I gave him a chance and then I don’t know how or why I fell for him. Then I was okay with just being friends and then he said what he did all of a sudden out of the blue I thought okay try it and now look. I really don’t get it. The comments he made about my working and being with me kids and guys.

Like I told bff so whatever changed his mind is something that I said or done. Before I even drank that night. That day he got in the truck something seemed different then things just snowballed from there. But anyway like I told her okay I screwed up some how some way. Just tell me even if you don’t want to talk about it, fix it have an explanation for it or what. That is fine but tell me so I know what I did wrong. I know not to do that again with someone else or what. I don’t know what bothers me more the feelings I have and the way everything is or the fact that his whole view or thought of me seem to go from good to so bad so fast that I don’t know why. I don’t know for me it is like it has to be pretty bad for him to just say what he did and it bothers me because I don’t know why it bothers me I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I guess because if you say you still want to be friends or we should just be friends then have enough respect for me to at least tell me what the fuck is going on and if it is that bad like you seem to think then why do you still want to be friends? And then dealing with my over all feelings about him on top of it and my feelings in general about life and meeting someone. I am just a mess.

Like I just told bff, I get hit with this this morning that the other day ok you made it clear the other day, I told her no last night, why is he still coming at me with this? I don’t need him to stomp it in. I have and am beating myself up over it all more than anyone could. I don’t need to keep hearing it from him. She knows I like him and wanted to get together and things. But I have never told her how I really felt about him. I had just said to her last night in a messages there was something I had never told her I would tell her when I seen her or talked to her again. Then all this happen I still haven’t told her.

I guess I can’t figure out how we went from I need to get something to drive so he could fix my truck and we need to get my guns out of pawn and he was going to try to fix something he found to get money to do that. To I am basically out whoring around. That is what it really comes down to plain and simple it seems to me with the comment of being home and not talking to lowlifes, what I was doing when I drove that truck and picked up the desk for Mr. Auto and the shower comment after. I don’t get how you go from one extreme to the other in a mater of like 24/48 hours. Then I know the drinking and what happen didn’t help but I really think that didn’t have a lot to do with it. I think this was all things that were said and done before that ever happen. That was just a sliver of it if it was and that if the other had not happen things would of been okay.

I know this is long as fuck and ramble but look what the fuck feelings and guys will do to you. I am ready to shut down go back into my hole and keep to myself. Not talk to anyone not do dinners Sunday nothing no more. Just me and my kids keeping to ourselves. Like they said before I don’t need friends or anything because look what always happens. We or I end up hurt and screwed in the end.

{February 21, 2019}   Going To The Dentist

Last night I went out with Bff and the guy I met over the weekend at the concert. We just went to our normal place, her aunt didn’t come so it was just the three of us. I picked him up at the dock on my way over. I drive right by there to get there and go home.

We had a really good time. We laughed and joked around talked. He had said he could sing and did but when we got there he was saying he wasn’t going to. He was talking about how bad their system was and everything. I said oh all talk but can’t back it up. He was like no really I can but their system and the sound. It would be horrible. So we teased him and joked around and he finally went up there and put his name on the list and sang. Wow he can sing, he was really good even on their system. To be fair it really did sound horrible it is all off, just bad. They changed the people who use to do it and these people are horrible and their equipment is as well. But I just wanted to see how he was and you can tell even if the system isn’t great if someone is halfway good or just talking. Really we were just joking around. He sang about 3 or 4 times all different things and he did good on all but one. I think it was just the song i didn’t care for it.

We were there for hours my neck on the right side has been bothering me for weeks I can’t turn my head to the right. Now I have a couple of teeth on that side bothering me. They had one girl get up there just scream and yelling it didn’t help made my head hurt. I was ready to go. But we were all talking still him and bff was talking about her dad and family. He knew him and her sister and uncle. He was asking about them and things. I was sitting beside him I laid my head over in his chest he put his arm around me. He ask of I was alright. I told him yeah my mouth tooth and things were hurting he was asking what was wrong. I told him. He said he had something at home he was going to bring me today at work to help with it.

Today he messaged me and we were talking. He had asked me yesterday if I had insurance I told him no. He said oh. Today we were messaging back and forth and he said he just got up but he was going to bring me that stuff for my tooth. I told him take his time I was alright for now. Then he said,

I’ll take you to the dentist next month a week or two.

I said it’s okay I will be fine there is nothing they can do it is to far gone.

He said then they can pull it.

Then youre going to the dentist I’ll pay dont worry bout it.

If you don’t take care of that it will cayse you more problems and not just your teeth health wise because of the location.

I told him not to worry about it, it isn’t just one tooth it is about 4. Really all my teeth need pulled they are all messed up.

He came over and he hung out for a little bit he insist that I am going to the dentist next month. I just told him we would see.

I am not doing this he can’t take me and pay all that. We just met what is he thinking? I am sure it will come up again I am going to tell him that.

I was talking to my friend J and her husband telling her about it. She was like I don’t know what to say or tell you. She said you attract all kinds. He husband said look at all the shit you are going through with the other and been through. Maybe he is just a nice guy and really wants to just take care of you for for a change, let him. I sighed and said yeah that would be nice…… but that kind of thing don’t happen to me. My friend J laughed and said yeah that shit don’t happen to us.


Just once I like something good to happen. I like to get a decent job paying decent with decent hours. All these fuck ups and screw ups walk in and get them left and right and still don’t take care of the things they should. I am doing everything I can to take care of the the things I should and all I get is shit on. Why can’t something good just happen this one time?

I just need to get all my bills caught up and the furniture in the house replaced. Don’t ask another huge mess that my mother caused and I am left to fix.

I am not asking anyone to do it for me pay it for me nothing just a job that will allow me to make enough to do it myself and I can’t even get that. What fucking point is there in trying anymore just to get nowhere and struggle from now on. Again he is paying i should be able to get ahead but now because now i am getting next to no hours at work. So everything is due and going off any day now. By the first everything will probably be off because i can’t pay it. I wasn’t making enough to catch up just enough to keep everything on. Unexpected expinces and hours being cut I can’t even do that. If hours hadn’t been cut and this other didn’t happen i could be almost caught up.

At this point I am ready to call dcf and tell them I can’t do it no more. I truely have thought about it the last few days. I am sitting in my truck fighting not to cry and wishing i could just get away from it all. I could wave a wond and everything would go away. I wouldn’t have to worry about any of it no more i wouldn’t have 4 other people to worry about a house or none of it. I could just work on me and getting a job and a place to start over and then bring the kids back into it. All I can do at this point is let it all go off let everything happen and i don’t even care anymore. I don’t want to be here no more. I don’t care who it hurts, i don’t care who it leaves having to do what or go where or what anyone is going to think or what is going to happen with the kids or anything. I just want it all to stop i just can not deal with it anymore. Before i cared before i was done needed a break but i still found some drive to fight and care and feel some. This point i don’t care, i don’t feel, i have no fight i have no want to fight no desire to fight no desire to feel or care anymore.

{September 17, 2018}   To Heal

Found this interesting and has me rethinking my post from the other day, Maybe I Didn’t Forgive Both People I feel good about things until I start talking to someone and it starts to seem like its going somewhere. Maybe that has nothing to do with forgiving and is just me and something I need to work out.

{September 1, 2018}   Only Want You

But they all have such high walls they feel it is to good to be true and push you away or keep you at arms length.

{August 2, 2018}   The Bedtime Battle

Every night I come home and go straight to bed or soon there after. I get home pretty late most the time well after 10/11 some nights 1am or after. Most nights the kids are atill up and thats fine it is Summer we are night owls. I see them a bit then me and little one go to bed.

I am tired woreout more like it and stressed lately. My little one stresses me out even more. She wants me to lay facing her with my arms around her and snuggle her. It is so uncomfortable for me and some times I just don’t want to be touched. If I refuse to lay how she wants and lay so I am not hurting she cries because I hurt her feelings. Then she lays on top of me until she falls a sleep. I feel horrible for not wanting to snuggle but I just need to destress and calm down after work. And it isn’t like I can for a little bit an hour then move she wants to stay that way until she falls a sleep and i sneak away.

Then later at night or in the morning when I am feeling good and relaxed and want to snuggle she isn’t interested. I really don’t know where I am going with this or the point i am trying to make or what really. I am just stressed and feel bad. I think if it was someone different I would want to and it wouldn’t bother me so much at night. But with her it just feels like something else on the list of things to do and something i have no say in i just have to do it. I feel bad for feeling that way but i do. I know i know it won’t last forever and i miss it later. I think it bothers me most that i am so stressed i can’t enjoy it like i should be.

I wanted to be up and out of here by now and I am still laying in bed. I have so much I need to do before work and now not sure it will get done.

My body hurts all over, my upper back in my shoulder blades and all around, my neck and my legs. My calves feel like the mussels are being twisted and pulled. My shoulders feel bruised and so sore to the touch. Almost like they are on fire they burn. They have been this way for a while and seem to be getting worse not better.

This is one of those times I wish I had a decent man. That would just pull me close massage me until it all went away. When I was with my friend the other night I was massaging his back, he was sore from working on the truck. I should of told him and ask him to do mine but I didn’t. He had already done so much for me, I wasn’t going to ask him to do that too.

I know a lot of it is from work and all the lefting and moving stuff. Most isn’t big stuff it is just doing it over and over all the time. Think by now I be use to it but there are other things as well bothering it. Like the lifting the hood of the truck over my head and holding it. Its pretty heviey and won’t stay up on it’s own. Pulling myself up and holding myself up there to check the water. The leaning and reaching to keep a check on all the fluids with everything going on. The motor is right at my neck so I have to reach up and over everything to do anything. A big part of it is stress as well, dealing with everything, trying to figureout how to get everything done and taken care of.

If I had a guy it would take care of most all of that or at least help with it. He would take care of checking the truck and making sure everything was alright. He help get things done and taken care of around the house, like the yard that is up to my knees because I don’t have money to take care of it. He just be there as someone who cares and who is in it with me. I wouldn’t feel as if no one cares or what.

As bad as I want someone and how nice it would be, the closer I get to maybe that happening or the more real it gets the more I feel myself pulling away. It is a struggle with in, it feels good to think that hey maybe this is going to happen and I won’t be alone and I will have someone who cares and treats me right. Then something says why ruin it? Why mess with things? Do we really have to get with anyone? Maybe it is better to stay single. Then no one gets hurt. You won’t get hurt because nothing can happen to hurt you. The others don’t get hurt because your still there for them the same as you are now and everyone is okay with it. No kids are involved so they can’t get hurt in it all. Do we really need a relationship?

The other half is saying yes go for it. We need to feel loved, like someone cares, the security of having someone who is on your side wants to see you do better and pushies us. We need to feel like someone is there for us not just like we are there for ever one else and no one is for use.

I do I want it and am so scared at the sametime. I keep hearing whats going to be different this time then any other time? But I know it can be I know there is a lot that is different with either one from the ones I have been with in the past. A lot is different with me since my past but I am still scared. I keep thinking just forget these two and see what comes along. But why if I like them and I have this much time into them building the friendship and relationships that we do have so far. I think maybe by the time I get that far with someone else I will be more ready. But I know that isn’t true either. I don’t think I am going to find that anywhere else. Find what I been looking for like I have is few and far between. Then I think maybe I have made it all into more than what it is but the one has out right said it three times, I like to make you mine, think about it. The other I know is interested just kind of in the same boat as me scared. And confused with his ex and what happen what she keeps doing. I feel now he needs to get that taken care of once and for all before I would be comfortable being with him if he wanted to give it a try.

I just don’t know. I think I am just going to take some time away from them both and see what happens. When I think that and say it, something inside screams no don’t deal with it decide something and talk to them both now. Don’t put it off and not deal with it and forget about it like you do everything when you get overwhelmed or scared. It is your flight or fright kicking in. You can’t avoid it. It isn’t going to go away. Your going to have to face it if you keep talking to them. Your going to ruin friendships if you stop. Just do it and get it over with. Go from there, take the advice you give everyone else. I know, i know I have to. It is just so hard when I can’t nail the other down and really get to talk to him and now knowing what I do about him. I keep thinking just forget him go with the other. But I still feel this push that no matter what I need to talk to him first even if I do go with the other. Maybe I will take the next few days to put a plan together and go from there.

et cetera
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