{March 4, 2017}   Everything Is Out of Sorts

It has been a very off week to me, I am still sick of course, the weather has decided to get cold again for the weekend. I am sure that will prolong getting over this crap. On top of that I can tell the time is getting ready to change and it is causing problems for me already.

I go back and forth on if I like it when it gets dark later or earlier. I use to like it when it got dark earlier because I could get the kids in bed early and have time to myself. Now the kids are bigger it don’t work that way so much. I also would get to bed earlier because I would have that down time in the evening. But then I get to where even if i got to bed I wake up off and on all night and it seems that the nights drag on forever. I am starting to like when it gets dark later and did when I was working as well. I liked it because when I worked I didn’t get off until 5 then had to come home make dinner feed the kids and by the time I was done we still had time to do things after. Where as when it gets dark at 6 we didn’t have time to do anything outside after dinner. If we tried to do anything before dinner was supper late and they got to bed late. when it gets dark later we have time to eat dinner then do what we want to do and even if we are out later they still get to bed a decent time.

With it like it is now getting dark at 6 and now slowly getting darker a little later each night is throwing everything off. I was out with my friend and the kids the other night taking care of stuff and thought it was just getting to be maybe 6/630 because it really wasn’t that dark yet. When I looked it was almost 730. We didn’t get home until 8 because I had to go drop my friend off and go home. By the time we got dinner and everyone got showers and ready for the next day it was almost 1130. The next night didn’t go much better but that was just because of running around we had to do and things we had to get done but it still seemed much later than it was and then the night drug on forever for me.

My right side is killing me I can’t turn my head to the right, my shoulder back there is in so much pain I am about ready to cry. The bone is out of the socket and it is pinching everything and it feels like the end is shoving into the other bone and pinching everything in between when they do. And it is swollen huge all through my neck and shoulder almost my face. I have no idea what I did to make it this way. I didn’t feel good yesterday still I took the kids to school didn’t have anything to do so I came home and went to bed. I slept a while until I had to get up and take care of things and when I got up I was this way. I was fine before I laid down no pain or sign of anything at all wrong or hurting. I can even feel it up into my jaw. It hurts to sit, stand, lay or anything at this point. If I take something for it, it is going to knock my out and then I am going to get nothing done and have the kids here. Because we all know father of the year isn’t going to come over he can’t get sick. I like that he isn’t here and isn’t coming over don’t get me wrong. I just wish that he would come get the kids and take them like he is supposed to. Like now if he did I could take something that would probably help with my back, then I could sleep like it will make me and not have to worry. I would still have my work to get done but I could then have time tonight and tomorrow to get it done without having to worry about doing everything I need to for the kids and all that. I would be able to sit down work on it straight through until I was done. I would do better on it as well I am sure. As of right now they are in and out wanting stuff, asking stuff, fighting, or whatever else they want to do while I am trying to work on it and I miss things or what here and there.

Like right now I have one laying on my bed next to me telling me he wants to eat, while he lays here moving all around making me hurt worse and he is talking up a storm to me and telling me what he wants. This is the second time he has been in here because the older kids are not helping him like I ask them to do. So now instead of starting my work or taking something to get out of pain I have to go help him then start it and work in pain and with them running all around.

I have a huge project to get done by tomorrow evening and homework for all my other classes. Most the time I sit down today and tomorrow and knock it out but the way I am hurting I don’t know if I am going to get it done or not. This is no good at all.

{September 22, 2016}   Blind Disaster

I have three windows in my living room all side by side making it one large window to cover when it comes to blinds. I have about a dozen windows in this house and none of them came with blinds, so when I moved in I had to go cheap and I got the little $5 blinds and put up on the ones I got blinds form. Mostly the living room, bedrooms and bathrooms. The back room we never use and it still has whatever hanging over them and the kitchen I got curtains because they were cheaper.

I am sure you have had your go around with cheap blinds and know how they are and how they look over all. I have to say two are doing pretty well after almost three years, but the other on this window was looking pretty ruff. It is the side that is not covered by the couch and the dogs and kids go to and look out all the time. Of course it is going to look ruff. I wanted to get the ones that have the wood or fake wood nicer wide slats that do not twist and mess up so easy when I got my money but I have been paying bills and getting the kids things they need and just haven’t been able to get them. Well the other day me and a friend went to the thrift stores and I seen three in a corner by checkout. I asked the lady how much they were and she said $5 each and then she told me there was another in the back. I went to look there were three more. I knew they were bigger than what I have up there but it looked like two would cover it instead of using three. I bought all 5 figuring I could put one in the girls room and maybe in the boys rooms as well. I could maybe hang one over these french doors in the back. I have no idea why they put french doors up instead of a sliding door or a normal door or no door. There is another door that goes outside out of that room as well. But if that door wasn’t there you could’t get to the back yard from inside the house. But then why the door on the other end of the room? Who knows but that is besides the point. I figured I could sell them for $5 with no problem if I couldn’t use them. I have one in my room that is messed up I could replace too. But 5 for that price when I could use them was great.

I bought them three days ago. I asked farther of the year to come over for a hour or less and hang them that night. He had an excuse, I asked him to come after work and hang them yesterday and he had an excuse. It was he could come today but I knew he wouldn’t it will be whenever he gets to it and probably never. I figured he is supposed to come get the kids or see them anyway he could stick them up there I wouldn’t have to pay someone. He said he had told the kids he would. We had been talking about them and was talking about putting them up they said their dad could do it. I told them I get someone or do it they said he can he put them up and has a drill blah blah. They asked him when he came over.

Well yesterday I got agervated and I had to go to the store anyway so I went and bought a drill, drill bits and a tape measure. I got home and reliased that I had gotten the wrong bits. I knew the ones I needed and had them in my hand and got the others. I went to my friends house down the street and asked her husband to borrow the ones I needed and he gave me a box full. Well I kept thinking something was still missing but couldn’t figure out what. I knew something just didn’t seem right. I went to put the bits in and they would not fit. They were way to small. I called my other friend and was talking to her and her husband and they were just no help. He uses this stuff all the day he works on cars and machines for a living. They kept saying everything was there. I sent them a picture of what I had but they could’t figure out why the bits weren’t working. I took down some of the old brackets down by hand then got really aggervated because I have this drill and it should take a few minutes. I called another friend and ask him. He says did you turn the chuck? I was like what? He said did you turn the end of the drill to make it bigger or smaller to hold the bits? Guess what it worked. That was what I was missing, because I swear my grandpa’s drill had a thing you had to put on it then put the bit in and turn to make it work. Maybe I am wrong it has been forever since I used it but I don’t think it worked like mine. I am sure it did’t because I remember him talking about the different chucks or losing the chuck. Any way I get it to work and then it would only take out some of the screws because it is’t a clear shot to them you have to reach through the bracket and it won’t fit in some of them an others if has to be started with a screwdriver before it will reach it at all then finished with a screwdriver so no point in using the drill.

I finally get the 6 brackets and three hangers from the old blinds down and get ready to put up the new brackets. I tried to put the first one up the holes don’t match from the old one so I need new ones and the holes in the new brackets are way bigger than the screw heads. No problem it has holes on the side I can screw it into the side of the window frame and it will work the same way and be easier because I can get to it easier and it isn’t over my head like the rest win all around it should be in in less than 5 minutes. WRONG, I start the first hole and get it started take the drill and try to finish it off and it gets half way in and stops. It will not come out and it is not going in any farther. I am drilling the hell out of it and it isn’t moving. I reach up and touch it and burn the shit out of my fingers, it felt like I grabbed a hot brander or something. I am shocked I do not have blisters today.

I move on and decide to start on the other side. I can figure out how to get it out later or cut it off and get it out of the way. I go to hang the first bracket and one hole lines up but the other don’t. I take the bracket and drill another hole so that it lines up with the holes already there. It goes up pretty easy. I go to put the second one up and I get two holes for it and finally get it up. All by hand because the drill it useless with these brackets. I get to the third and there are no holes because there wasn’t a bracket there before. I drill out the first hole it works. I go not even a inch from it and try to drill out a hole and it will not go in past the tip of the screw. I do it by hand I use the drill I try everything it is not working. Ok find I will modify the bracket and move the hole no big deal. I did it to the first and it is up and doing good only took a few minutes. I take it outside and sit down on the porch and drill the hell out of it for ever and nothing is happening. There is a tiny spot that is it. I drill some more and nothing. I figure out the drill is on wrong so I turn it the other way and try to drill it again. This time no sooner than I touched the bracket the bit flew through it threw the bracket and kicked almost drilling my leg and breaking my bit that I need if I need to drill anymore out to get them to work. But that one is done lets just get it in. Nope it won’t go in. Finally the third bracket is up all I need to do is get the screw out of the wall and put the last one up. It has only been two or three hours to get the right tools fight the old ones down and the new ones up. This shouldn’t take more than 30 minutes since I have to get the screw out of the wall and I think I know how to make the bigger holes work with the screws I have. I have my oldest help me pick the blind up to get it into the bracket so I can mark off where to put the last bracket so it will work. The fucking blind is sticking over the edge of the wall!!!!

I don’t know what I did wrong how I screwed up that much because I measured the blinds and the window before I started. I made sure they would both work there. The first bracket is all the way against the wall so there is not gap or room taken up. I guess it is the size of the brackets or I was off some how on the measurements. I had the kids helping me hold everything and mark everything because I am working over my head trying to hold this stuff in place and get it right on the marks. I was so mad I just left it all and we went to bed. The couch is still pulled from the widow the blinds are still laying all over in the living room including behind the couch where we left it when it wouldn’t work. Everyone who looks at my house can look all through and see from the living room straight through the dining room and where we all are most the time. They see our computers, tv, guns everything. It was so much for me to try and put the old brackets up and the old blinds after I went through all that to get them up there and spend hours.

I went to bed and just cried my back and neck were hurting so bad from standing there reaching up over my head all that time to do all that holding the drill up there to do what needed to be done and then all the turning and turning by hand to get everything in and out. I got up this morning to take the kids to school my hands, wrist and arms hurt I could hardly drive. They hurt just to turn grip the steering wheel and drive then my neck and back it hurts to turn around to see behind and around me. My arms hurt from my hands half way to my elbow. I hate being this way I use to do all this kind of stuff and anything I wanted and not hurt. Since I was in that accident about 7 or 8 years ago that messed me up it sucks. It kills me to do it but I still do it because it needs to be done and I hate to ask anyone and don’t really have anyone to ask.

My friend kept saying why didn’t I ask her husband to come do it. Her husband works 12 to 15 hour days and they were leaving for a trip at 3 am this morning. He worked yesterday before they left. I wasn’t going to ask him to drive all the way over here to put these up for me. My other fried I was talking to he works and then has his wife and 4 kids to go take care of. I asked earlier if there was anyone who wanted to come help me for an hour or so today. One person asked doing what and when I said I heard nothing back. I am not sure how much of a help he would really be either or how much he knows about doing that kind of thing. But even I can’t do that or not something just no response.

I don’t know what I am going to do now I am sitting here watching everyone watch my as they go by. I guess I need to get off of here and figure out how to fix this mess and get some blinds up there. Putting the old ones back up is not an option at this point. I know that these will work if I had the help to get everything up in place and marked out better and holes to go in.

Right now I think I will go eat because I just thought the kids ate dinner why I was doing this and I never ate anything last night and haven’t yet today. I was to tired upset and hurting to even think about eating or anything else.

{January 22, 2016}   Surgery Next Week, Why Not

I ended up in the er yet again this week over whatever is going on in my face and neck on the right side. I have tried to follow-up with doctors or urgent care and no one will see me or help me. They tell me the end of March or just don’t call me back at all. I was in a lot of pain again Wednesday and the place under my jaw on my neck has not went down any after being on everything for a week. I know this is not an infection there is more to it and something going on. They just don’t listen. I finally got father of the year to come over here about 9 or 10 and took myself over there. I started to go somewhere else but really didn’t want to drive all that far and don’t like the one that is closest so the place I use is already a drive. It probably about ten miles so not really a huge drive but when you don’t feel good and your pain and it’s late 2 miles feels like 20.

I got there and they took me back in just a bit. They didn’t look that busy from the waiting area but they had a lot of people in rooms but it was quite and not a lot going on. The triage woman did what she needed to do once she got me to a room and then the nurse came in and talk to me. They were all different from when I was there the last two times. Then a physicians assistant came in to talk to me said she would be taking care of me and wanted to know what all was going on. I explained to her what was going on and told her I been there three times in three weeks and that I couldn’t get in to see anyone and this is really bad. She started saying so your throat hurts and you have pain…

I stopped her and said no this is the problem they are not listening to me my throat does not hurt I’m not congested. I told her this is outside of my mouth, in my neck, up the side of my face around my ear, all around my eye and above it and it is only on the right side not on the left side at all. That it is in my cheek it is in the skin or under the skin but not in my throat inside my mouth. That the only thing in my mouth that bothers me is my tongue hurts sometimes or the rough of my mouth. that even that isn’t like when you have a sore throat it’s like bruised. She looked in my mouth and then pushed around on my teeth. I didn’t even flinch. I told her I know my teeth are not good and need to come out but that I know this is not from my teeth, I have had problems in my teeth and this is not the same they don’t even hurt. She said a virus wouldn’t go away with the meds it would take it a little while. I said but how long? She said weeks. I said how many? She said if that is what it is then it should go down in about two weeks. I said this has been this way for over three. I said I come in here and they act like I am just here because my throat hurts and I can’t take the pain or something and that isn’t how it is or what is wrong at all. I said I don’t come in here because I have a cold or sore throat if it was just a sore throat I would be at home waiting it out and going about my day as normal. I said I don’t run in here because I stubbed my toe or something. I said if you look at anytime before the last three weeks that I have been here and it isn’t that often you will see in your records that when I have come in, in the past it isn’t for something small you all find two or three things that are pretty significant things wrong. When I told her that and this has been weeks she said it normally goes down in two weeks unless there is some underlying something going on. I think we need to look into this further and do some testing. She said she was going to go run it by the doctor and see what she wanted to do.

In a bit the nurse came back in and said they needed me to take everything from the waste up off and put a gown on. He said they want to do a CT scan of the head and that he needed to start an iv and get blood they ordered a big blood work up. I got the gown on and he came back in to do the iv and blood. I told him they get it out of the hand. He said but they want to do contrast I need to get it in the arm. I said ok and he looked and looked at my left arm. He then went to the right and looked all over. He said what if I start it in your hand to get the blood work going and I will check with them in CT to see if they can use the one in the hand and do the contrast or if we have to try to go higher up? I said that’s fine and told him that the last time they did contrast they did it with one in the hand because they couldn’t get the arm then either. But that I also had to drink a cup of contrast stuff and they put some in the iv. He said I didn’t have to drink the cup of stuff just the iv. I said oh that may, make a difference. While we were talking someone came by with someone from the room by me and he stopped her and called her in. She came around the curtain and he told her he couldn’t find a spot in the arm but my hand was good and if they could use that for the contrast? She asked what they were looking at and things and if it was something and he said no he thought it was just something else. She said yes the one in the hand would be fine.

He got it right in and got all the blood they wanted, I laid there forever waiting to go for the test. About and hour or two later he came and said they were ready for me in CT and took me over. I got in there she said my blood work has come back and they could do the test. I guess they were looking for something in it before they did the test. She hooked the iv up and did the test and took me back to my room. I asked the nurse how my blood work looked when he came in and he said it looked really good what all of it he saw.

Finally after another few hours the doctor came in and talk to me, she said the one who talk to me when I got there had went home. She said that they did the test and that it shows the lymph nod is very in enlarged. The way she talked it is larger than it should be even if I was just sick and fighting some infection. She said she thinks it is pressing on a nerve going up through my face and that is why I am in so much pain. She said my thyroid also looked enlarged and that I needed to follow-up and get test on it. But she said the lymph nod needs to come out and be biopsied right away. They are worried how big it was and how long it has been this way. I told them I had been sick since the week before Christmas and it was that way then but I thought it would just go away but after I got over being sick it hadn’t and then started causing me pain and things and that is when I came in the first time so it has been this way a month not just three weeks I been coming there. She said they seen that.

They wanted to keep me that night and do it the next day and get it out and tested. She had already called the surgeon and talk to her about doing it before she came in to talk to me at like 3 am. She said they told her that my insurance would not pay for it if they kept me and done it. They said I needed to go to my doctor and get sent to the surgeon and it had to be done as an out-patient or in the office. I think she said out-patient. They gave me information for somewhere I could go and get seen and get the paperwork to go to the surgeon. She told me to get up and get a hold of every one in the morning and get in to see them and get the paperwork to see the surgeon and call her. I got into see the doctor yesterday afternoon by the time I got out it was too late to get with the surgeon. I called them today and waiting on them to call me back. I told them they said it was critical that I follow-up with her in 2 to 3 days and that I have all the paperwork. She said they had to get information from the hospital and would call me back in a few minutes. I am figuring they will get my in right away sometime next week. The doctor at the er said when she talk to the surgeon she said to get all my paperwork and get right in to see her and they would set this up to be done right away. I will probably have to go in for an office visit next week then have it set up unless she will just look over all the test and set it up from that. I am just waiting to hear back what is next.

I just want it done and over I am walking around in so much pain every day and not able to take the pain meds and things. I told my sister and a friend of ours I would cut it out myself and give it to them if I wasn’t worried about bleeding too much at this point I am in so much pain. If they said they wanted to take my right toe off and it would make the pain stop they could have it. I can’t do pain in my face and head this way. I don’t know how I am going to get through the weekend I have to go to work and work all day tomorrow 12 hours shift and again Sunday because if I don’t I am going to have no pay check. With all this going on I have had to take care of it and been in so much pain. I am hoping that it being the weekend and so slow there won’t be to many people there and I can get away with not having to have the headset on my head all day. I can hold it and put it on if I need to or they can find something else for me to do or something. I don’t know what to do but I got to work and I got to make money. I have nothing coming in but my paycheck to pay bills with. Father of the year is working but I am sure he isn’t going to offer to pay anything knowing that I have missed work and going to miss work having to have this done. I pray that the pain goes away when they take it out everything goes smooth and I can go back to work as normal the next day. I am not worried about anything else as long as the pain has stopped I can keep it bandaged until it heals and go to work. I have never in my life missed so much work at one job in all the time I have been at one.


et cetera
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