{October 1, 2017}   Been Talking to Someone

The last week or so I have been talking to a guy from work. We have talked in a group there at work a few times joking around and things and when my friend, the bosses wife is up there. The other day me and her were up there and we were talking and joking around. We stood there talking for a while then we left. It was a few days later I had a friend request from him and then he sent me a message and we started talking. We have talked everyday since then. It’s been a week I guess now that we have been talking maybe a little longer. He has said something about going out and things. He asked me what I was doing this weekend I told him a birthday party for the boys. He ask if I wanted to go out maybe the night before. I told him maybe I have to see what was going on how things for the party and things were going if i could get away.

Last week I had to go to the internship thing for school. I didn’t go the one day because of things. I went with my friend we went and took care of things and stopped at the thrift store we like to go to. I found three nice name brand pairs of shoes for $18. The bottoms were not dirty and they had not even been broken in, they were brand new shoes. I got a pair of nice dress flats, a pair of nice spike heel and a pair of nice boots. On the way back I tried the boots on and they went with what I was wearing so I decided to just wear them for the day. I didn’t know she was but she stopped at the shop, they were locked up no one was there. She called her husband he said they were out delivering cars and stopped at the dinner up the street for lunch. We went and met them. I ended up sitting in the booth across from the guy I been talking too we all talked had lunch and went on. One of the guys made a comment about my boots when we walked in and sat down. When we left the one I been talking to made it a point to wait until we all had gotten up and was walking away before he got up to go and was behind me. Later he message me telling me he liked my boots they looked good on me and things. Few days later I went to my internship then had to go up to the shop to work. I have to dress up for my internship because we never know when we will see clients at the center and I thought I had court that day. We go to the court house and meet people and things. I just go from there where ever I have to go. I went to work that day. I walked up him and the other guy that works part time was there. The one that works part time is young just turned 21 he was saying stuff and said something about me being all dressed up and that I was finally getting there for the day. It was just after lunch time I do not have set hours at all. I make my hours and come and got when I want to, unless my friend needs me there he will ask if I can be there this day or that day and what time. Mostly if they are going away or something he will ask me to come in for the day or if he knows he has people coming to pick cars up and he can’t be there. They have a set time they are to be there and a set time they leave, even though he is easy going if they need to go to doctors or have things for their kids at school or something like that. He lets them take off or come in later or what, but they have to tell him ahead of time. With me he never knows when I am coming or if I am coming until I show up and don’t know how late I am staying unless he ask. I may go in and be there for fifteen or twenty minutes or I may go there and be there half a day. He don’t care, he knows I have school, internship and this new job I am about to start and the kids to work around.  I do not need to be there for them to do what they need to do. I am just there to file and that is it I can do that anytime. The only reason they have to be there when I am is so that I can get in the place. He knows it don’t take hours to do what needs done he just pays me a flat rate for coming in and doing it. They all know it he just joking around and messing around. But anyway later that evening after work the other one messaging me later telling me how nice I looked today and talking to me. He was talking about getting together next weekend if not this weekend and things.

I told him Thursday I could maybe do something Friday and if not Saturday. He said okay to let him know. I went to the shop Friday he didn’t say anything to me, I message him ask him to check something with the truck before we went home after work, never said anything back. I walked past him leaning there waiting on his ride as I went to the truck he didn’t say a word to me. I wondered what that was about. I thought maybe someone there at the shop said something to him about us talking or something or maybe he thought I wouldn’t want anyone to know we were talking i don’t know. I sent him a message later that night he never answered, I sent another one later ask if everything was okay why he was so quiet and he still didn’t answer. The first time I ask him what he was doing I was going see if he wanted to come over have a few drinks and talk. About 1 am he message me back said where I had said why you been so quiet today and what was up. He said I don’t know my mind been doing it’s own thing. I said I was going to see if you wanted come over have a few drinks and talk. He said I wanted too. I said you never answered. He said I know I’m sorry. He tells me he is at a motel he left and no one knew where he was. He is living with on of the guys from the shop I don’t know how he lives with him much less him and his wife and kids. Everyone says that him and the wife fight like hell and I know he was filling out divorce papers before. I can’t blame him for not wanting to be there. I found it odd he just left didn’t tell anyone he was leaving and no one knew where he was. He said he took a cab and went he had to find a ride home. He is working on getting a car I guess. I haven’t gotten all into that right now. He said he needs to find a ride home today. I told him I would pick him up and bring him if he wanted me to. He said if I was going to be up that would be great. He messaged me about 830 and ask if I was up and if it was to early for me to take him home. I told him no I would come get him I wasn’t doing anything I just had to get dressed. I did he told me to meet him at the little store by where he was. I still am not sure where he was so I did.

I dropped him off he said he wasn’t sure what he was doing we had made plans to go out tonight. I told him I could get out about 830 probably. We talked off and on all day. He went with his friend repoing and then he said his phone was about to die he get a hold of me when he got home. I told him okay I was going to charge mine up and that I had a few places to go and then I would be home. I got home around 7 messaged him ask if he was home if we were still going? He said he just got there yes he still wanted to go. I told him I was going to get a shower he said he needed to. We talked a few minutes he said he was going to go get something to eat and get ready. I told him let me know when he was ready. I was done right away but waited a little bit before I tried to get a hold of him. Give him time to get ready and things. I messaged he didn’t answer. I waited about 15 minutes messaged again and nothing. By then it has been an hour since we had talked he was supposed to let me know. I tried to call him and everything else never got a response I finally said fuck it and went with a friend of mine to the store. I looked when I got home he been on but he never said anything or looked at what I sent. I don’t know what his problem is.

I know he is dealing with the loss of his dad and that is bothering him. He told me the other day he been gone 3 years but he had really never gotten use to it or dealt with it he don’t think. How his family fell apart when he passed he didn’t have family anymore. We have talked about anything and everything. I can not figure out why he would tell me to get all ready and then do that when I just said i don’t want to get all ready if we aren’t doing something.

I don’t understand. My friend says she don’t get it because he has talked to her husband about me and how much he really likes me and things. Then why would he do this tonight? Last night I wasn’t worried about we never set a for sure doing something plan. Tonight it was set we were going to go to the beach walk the beach and then come back here or go out. It really pissed me off. My friend said go by there, maybe he in the shower. I said he has not been in there two hours and he knows we had plans he could have said hey this or that happen, hey i don’t want to go for whatever reason. But to just set plans and then change everything up that just pisses me off. Like I told my friend it probably pisses me off way more than it should have but when you have been done that way for years and years about the simplest to the most important things, it gets you pissed off no mater who done it or why. Huge pet peeve don’t tell me you are doing something, we are doing something or this is going to be this way to find out that it is noting like what you said. I told her I do not know how to respond to him if he does message me. I don’t want to go off on him over issues I am dealing with from the past but I also don’t want to just let it go and say nothing like it is no big deal. I know part of the problems I have had in the past like with me and R.C. was he would do things and it would trigger stuff from the past so I would be more pissed off than I should and I would take it out on him. I knew I was pissed off about stuff from the past but I would still just say what I felt like saying and was a lot more harder on him than I should have been and it wasn’t right. We talked about it a few times but I was not in a good spot back then I couldn’t control it or maybe I didn’t want to I was just hurt already and had not dealt with it and then hurt when it happen again when he wasn’t doing it to be nasty or what but that is how I took it and that is how I responded to it. I know that there was no one person to blame for everything there we both had a hand in why it didn’t work out.

I do not know where or if this will go anywhere or have expectations for it anyone way or the other. Just figured what would it hurt to go out and and get to know each other better whatever happens happens if nothing else just become friends. No big deal it’s just nice to have someone to do things with once in a while. But friends or other wise I hate to be told something and then nothing happens whatever it is. It don’t have to be going out it can be anything. If plans are changing that is fine no big deal, if you can’t go okay we do something another time. My thing is the not telling me anything and letting me sit and wait or wasting my time letting me do whatever to find out that you are not holding up your end. I hate to be ignored just answer say hey fuck you I don’t want to talk to you anymore than just let me sit and wait.

{January 20, 2017}   Lazy, Rude, Disrespectful

There are about to be some big changes in this house this coming week or two and there are going to be some very unhappy kids. I do not care at this point. I am tired of them being so lazy, rude and all around disrespectful. I am not hard on my kids I expect them to listen, to clean up after their-selves, do their chores and just act like humans not animals. Don’t get me wrong they are well behaved and respectful everywhere and with everyone but at home and I am done with it. They act liked ungrateful lazy ass brats at home. My house is always a mess and/or cluttered. I can go through here and clean it from top to bottom and it can sparkle and with in 24 to 48 hours it is trashed you would never know I cleaned it just a day or two before. There will be toys all over, cups and papers, packages, empty bottles or whatever all over the place. They have very simple rules and chores and they refuse to follow them or do them. It is a battle all the time. Now even the simplest things that I tell them to do they act like I am not even here and never said a word to them. I was so pissed off tonight I told them you don’t want to listen and do the simple things you are asked or told to do and you want to be disrespectful of me and ignore me like I am not here then pack your stuff and get out. I don’t know where you are going to go I don’t care where you go just pack it and get out because I am not living with it anymore. I told them at 7 to get read for bed and get in bed. They had some chores and things to do so I figured it be maybe 8 by the time they got in bed after they did them and drug their feet and toddle off in between and took their time. If they just done them and got in bed it would be 730 or before because it wasn’t that much to do. They had no idea what time it was they thought it was later than that. So not like they just didn’t want to go to bed early. At 9 they were still up running around the house fighting complaining and making a mess instead of cleaning up. That is when I lost it and told them to get in bed now if they didn’t like it here they were free to move.

The oldest will be 13 a week from Monday her chores are to

put the food away after dinner and to load the dishwasher make sure the kitchen is wiped down and cleaned up’

Keep her room clean, she says it is her sisters mess and she trashed it but when I go in there every dresser night stand and anything else in there is piled high falling off with all kinds of random shit. her newspaper for the birds everywhere and other stuff all over.

wash her clothes at least once a week more if she needs something that she didn’t wash or already used and her bed stuff. Her basket is always running over and clothes all over the floor.

she is good about picking her stuff up out of the bathroom after her shower

she vacuums or mops the floors

Her birds are all hers to take care of she wanted them bought them with her own money they are her pet not family pet. She is supposed to clean their cage once a week. I think it has been 3 or 4 weeks since she has cleaned it. She feeds them and gives them water everyday at least.

Next in line Mr. King of Lazy my 11 year old his chores are

to take the trash and things out to the cans and make sure they are put out to the road and brought in. His brother helps with this.

Unload the dishwasher and help put food away

vacuum or mop

wash his clothes and bed once a week. His basket isn’t even in his room anymore not sure where it is and his clothes are all over his floor.

Clean his room

pick up his dirty clothes out of the bathroom and make sure it isn’t swimming in water when he gets done after his bath. His clothes are always laying in the bathroom floor in a puddle of water.

Mr. 6 helps a little everywhere and where he is needed

his main thing is taking out the trash with his brother

picking his stuff up in the bathroom when he is done put the tub toys in the bin not in the bottom of the tub

he likes to feather dust

help keep his room cleaned and his stuff put away not laying around the hosue

Miss. 3 almost 4

She helps feather dust

sometimes helps with trash

helps with the dogs feeding them

None of their chores are hard or take that long to do. Yet there are always dishes left in my kitchen, clothes in the bathroom, toys all in the tub, trash and mess everywhere. They get mad and complain about all they have to do. I know all kids complain and have to be reminded but this is beyond normal kids having to be reminded. They are reminded many times a day I didn’t give them set times to do stuff they can do it when they want to or when I have time and start cleaning I tell them to come do their chores so it will all be done. I expect them to be done every day. Then I can tell them and tell them since they won’t just do it without being told but they act as if i never said anything until I am freaking out and jumping on them. Then they want to get all upset and cry and say I am yelling at them. Well i have asked and told you to do the same 2 minute chore for 5 days now and you haven’t done it or any of the others. Some only get done once a week not even daily and they still just act like i never said a word.

We have a new rule now if they do not get their chores done at night they have to get up early before school and do them. This has helped some with things. I have been trying to clean up and get stuff back in order and help them keep them from having to clean up the huge mess they have made but they still don’t want to listen. I am going to one more time tomorrow try and get them to help clean up and things done. If they do not want to help I am going to just give them jobs and if they don’t finish them they will be up bright and early Saturday cleaning it up.

As for the over all not listening and fighting I am putting a stop to that too. I am working on what to do to put a stop to it. I think from now on if they don’t want to go to bed they can stand in the corner, if they want to fight or cause problems with their siblings they can start doing nice things for them. Clean their room, do their chores or whatever the other wants them to do if they started it. They will also start writing lines when they don’t list to me and ignore me like I am not here and didn’t say anything. If they don’t get them done they can get up early to do them as well. I may just make it a rule they have to get up early before school and write them just because I know they don’t like to get up early.

I have tried taking things away, rewarding for doing their jobs, taking all their stuff away taking tv away none of it works so now we need something that will work.

{January 9, 2017}   Why Do I Feel Obligated

To help people out who I hardly ever hear from and who do not come around unless they want something? The last time I heard from said person they were all pissed off and said a bunch of shit that really should have never been said. Never once have they said anything about it since it happen and it wasn’t a little something or just something to be forgotten about or over looked. I like this person as a friend but we are not close. We have talked here and there through messages since everything happened. The one time was wanting me to give them a ride yet again and would give me gas money another day yet again. It was in the evening we were settling down and I told them no. I told them I may go that way the next morning and if I did I would let them know and they could ride with me then. I wasn’t getting everyone dressed and ready and going out spending my gas that I didn’t have to do them a favor. The money they already owe me I knew I would not see any gas money. But I figured if I went that way it wouldn’t hurt to let them ride since I was going past where they wanted to go. I didn’t hear from them again after that for a long time. Then I seen their dad had passed away and I messaged and said I was sorry to hear about their dad passing and what. They said thanks and we chatted a little. That was 6 months or more ago probably. Yesterday I got a message asking how I was doing? I said fine and how were they? I just now got a message back at 1245 am asking if I was still up. I replied.

They want to know if I still lived in the same spot? I said yes, so then they say they are going out of town and want to know if they can park their car by my carport for a few weeks. I told them there have been a lot of break in’s cars and someone messing around my house lately. I didn’t even like having mine sit out there but I have no chose. Figuring that would make them not want to park it here. They say oh they really aren’t worried about that just more having somewhere to park it so it don’t get towed why they are gone for a few weeks. I didn’t reply or read it. Well I read it but it don’t show that I did. I don’t really want it here but then something says why not help them out what is it going to hurt. But then there is just that feeling of it is not a good idea just say no. Then I feel like I am wrong for saying no and like I am being a bitch or something but at the same time I feel like I am being used. Because most the time I do not hear from them unless they want something. They have helped me out a few times but very few. It seems more of a one way street mostly.

They are not the only ones I have this problem with. I have had friends who I watched their kids for over night, for the weekend and even kept them for the week and never charged anything for doing it provided all food and everything. But then ask them to watch my kids and it’s so much an hour or night. Or to come and do something and they don’t have time or other plans we will get together later but later never comes. But then who is the first person they are hitting up when they need something. And again I feel bad to say no or not help if I have nothing else going on.

I feel like if I am able to help then I should it is the thing to do. But there is a limit to that too. I just feel so conflicting when it comes to this kind of thing. I know I am right to say no and shouldn’t feel bad but I do. Then it bothers me that I feel bad for saying no. I have always been the peace keeper and the one to fix everything with and for everyone. I guess it’s just that if I can fix it then I need to fix it part of me.

I am not letting him park his car here, I don’t know what I am going to tell him but I have to tell him something I guess. Or is it ok to just ignore him and not reply anymore? I know it isn’t right but still. I hate when you tell people no and they want an explanation why. Just because I don’t want you to or don’t want to then pisses them off. When you give them a reason they come back with fifty excuses why it’s ok or it don’t matter. But I hate just not replying too. What to do what to do?

{November 18, 2016}   A Little Respect is Nice

Ok this says today or tonight but it was last night, I started writing it and had to stop and finish it today.

I finally tried to have a yard sale today I got some of the stuff moved out and put signs up. My friend stayed with me and stayed here why I ran the kids to school and went to lunch. We had to pack it up about lunch time but we just slid it up into the carport. We are doing it tomorrow and Saturday too.

my other friend the one who’s husband gets the food from work had some stuff in my freezer. She was storing it so that she could take it to her sons today. They are in South Carolina. That was fine, I had the room it wasn’t hurting anything. She told me last night she was coming today around 11/12. I told her that was fine if I wasn’t here that I had someone that would be here. I told her she would have to go through the house to get to where the freezer was and get the stuff. Doing this stuff for the sale I moved stuff to the back of the carport that I didn’t want to sell

The time she said she was coming came and went and they never showed up. I wasn’t surprised because I did’t figure they were going to go up there anyway. They talk about it all the time and never do even after making plans. So I had to take my friend that was helping me home to do some things. I took her home, picked up the kids, took them to therapy, went to pick my friend back up to come back over, pick up the little kids and go to the store to go shopping for some stuff.

I got a text after I left therapy saying they were on their way. I told her I be home in an hour or so I was out. Then I got broke down so I text her told her I was going to be a little later. She asked if they could just get the stuff from outside forget the stuff from inside. I told her I had stuff all over they needed to wait. I was standing in line at the store and got a text saying they had gotten what they wanted from outside not to worry about what was inside and to keep it. I was pissed, I was beyond pissed I told her I needed to go shopping this weekend that I needed room in my freezer I couldn’t just keep a bunch of this stuff. It’s like 20 bags of this and cases of that. I told her I had asked them to wait until I got home. She called said they have to go get a another cooler and stuff. I told her if she waited I was on my way here I see if I had enough room or not. Next thing I know I’m leaving the store and some one called my name. I looked up they were standing in line with a cooler. I just said oh hi I didn’t even see you. I really didn’t I wasn’t really looking at anyone just kind of past and through trying to get out of the store and home. I was tired and hurting. I kept going so I could be home when they got back here.

They came over I was laying on the couch on the carport I went in through the kitchen and went out I grabbed some stuff and gave them but not all that much really. I wasn’t thinking about my other friend could use some of it. Every thing I was pulling out or asking about her husband say not they can keep it or get rid of it. I finally just said fuck it and that was fine and they left.

Hours later she calls and wants to know if I was mad or why I was so mad? I said you know I asked you to wait until I got here and you just come over and go do whatever when you felt like it. You told me you were coming at one time and never showed up I had some one here. I tell you that I will be here and you can’t wait. She started I don’t understand I have been over there and all through your house or something and everything was fine. I don’t understand what is so different now. I said because I have everything out here everything going on I ask you to wait. She was like yeah I guess your right blah blah. I don’t even no because by that point I was getting pissed off again. I was so pissed when they were here. Then she is going to call me back hours later like she is trying to start something. That is how I felt she was trying to start something. She said whatever she said and said it wouldn’t happen again and hung up. Didn’t give me a chance to say anything.

When I got done today I not only had all that stuff I wasn’t selling pushed back there I then stuck everything else in front of it when I left so it would be under the carport and not in the driveway. I didn’t want them over here moving everything around. I didn’t want something to get broken because they couldn’t move it or didn’t care and just moved it however.

One of my biggest pet peeves is someone messing with and moving my stuff around when I didn’t ask them to or tell them they could. I also feel it was very disrespectful of them to do it after I told them twice they needed to wait. I could hear her saying something to him before she hung up sounded like she was mad like she thought I was out of line for being mad. I really don’t care it is my house.


{July 5, 2016}   Feels so Surreal

As it gets closer to time I can call for a court date and the thought that this could be over in a few days to a week it feels very surreal. It just don’t seem like it’s really happening again, I’m going to be back in court and this is going to be over with once and for all. At least I hope anyway, I am trying to stay positive about it all and I have a good feeling that this time it should go through with no problems. I keep having that nagging feeling what IF?

But at the same time I keep having these thoughts of how good it is going to feel to have it done and over with and that it is going to be done and over with this time. I just keep ignoring the what if thoughts and thinking about the how great it is going to be thoughts. So far it has been working because the what if’s don’t stick around long. I have this odd calm really, this it’s all going to work out this time feeling, nothing to worry about feeling. I can’t get a date for Wednesday because I forgot the boys have appointments that day and my mom does too. She has to be there the same time I was going to try to go to court. I can’t really go earlier because I have to get my little one to school my sister and the kids won’t be ready for the rest of my crew and I can’t go later because of the appointment the kids have. I figure they are not going to want to give me a date the very next day from when I call anyway but hopefully I can get one for Thursday, if not it should be done with in a week or so. When I called last week they were going to give me one for this week so I don’t see why I couldn’t get one for next week if not Thursday or Friday.

I want to get a new tattoo once it is over with too but I still have to find just what I am looking for and to get the money for it. I can’t take out of the money I have now to get it. I have to find some kind of odd jobs or something to do to make the money to get it. I won’t take money out of the money I have now that is for the bills and things the next few months in hopes of making it back or what before then. I am sure I can probably get it back before then but I still won’t do it. It is like everything else that is not something for the house or kids I have to wait until I come up with the money some way before I get it. I had a little money I took out extra this time to get my computer and then I got the fish tank but that was already planed and budgeted for. I took out extra so it didn’t come out of the money for the house.

Today is my 13 year anniversary hard to believe I been in this situation for 7 years trying to get out. I should have left 11 years ago when we had problems. I knew he hadn’t changed but thought he was trying he got us a place at the last minute. Maybe he seen I really was going to do what I said and he really didn’t want to lose us. But honestly nothing has been the same since I told him I was leaving then. Things were okay for about a year maybe two. But our relationship wasn’t the same.

We been living with my mom for going on 2 years I was pregnant with my 2nd and he didn’t want to move. I had been trying to move for over a year, I went back to work to have more money coming in and everything. When we moved there it was temporary, tax time we were moving get our own place. I was pregnant with our first I got in a huge fight with our roommate and the landlord at our place. I told them I would be out the first a few days away, that’s what I done I packed my shit and we moved out. No where to go but I was done I was not going to be talked to the way I was, I wasn’t going to have someone coming over beating my door down beating on my windows and everything else trying to force me to open my door when they had no idea if I was home, sleeping or in the shower. I was not going to make payments on someone else brand new car they went and got and then couldn’t make payments on. That’s what it boiled down to.

From there we stayed with a family friend who had an extra room but it wasn’t anywhere I wanted to bring a baby from the hospital home to, I couldn’t have brought one home to where I was at before either the way things had gotten there. My mom said we could stay with her. As much as I didn’t want to I figured it only be about 12 weeks and we would be moved. Boy was I wrong.

Every time I would try and find a place father of the year would make excuses and not want me to. I would find places and he would say he was going to go with me to look at them and fill out the paperwork. I talk to the people set everything up and he wouldn’t show up, refuse to go or just not leave work on time to come. I was so made I made plans to leave the state with my friend and her husband. Then he finally last minute jumped on the only thing he could find and got it.

Looking back and thinking about it that is when things really changed between us. Maybe not so much to him or him but how I felt and things toward him. We use to always go to bed together every night, I get up with him in the mornings before he left for work. Before we moved it got to where I would go to bed before he did, I be asleep before he came to bed. I be so aggravated and mad about everything that had went on. I couldn’t wait to get out of the house and go to work every day and hated the idea of coming home. On my days off I would get the baby up and me and her would leave and stay gone all day until time to go to bed some nights. A few nights we didn’t even go home we stayed at friends houses just to be away from it all.

We moved but it was not where I wanted to move it was the last place I wanted to be or move to and he knew that. It was in the same apartments as my mom and there was only a handful of apartments there, there was no where to go outside for the kids, I couldn’t have a washer and drier, it was a small two bedroom and now I have two babies and all their stuff and ours. It was more rent than the other places I was looking at. I had found nice places in nice areas, where we were wasn’t supper bad but it wasn’t good either. We wanted things for the kids, well I did I thought he did too but I guess not. When we moved in there I ended up on bed rest I couldn’t go to work I couldn’t put the house together. I get up and do stuff even when I wasn’t supposed to be. He been to the doctor with me and was told how bad it was and could be. He still bitch that things weren’t getting done and didn’t want to help. Once I had the baby I was able to keep up with most everything my self, I have him go do a load of clothes or clean up the kitchen why I bath the kids and got them to bed but that was about it. He didn’t like that. He come home from work and spent most the night gone outside somewhere. Every time I look for him to help or even just sit there with the kids why I did something he was no where to be found. He be out wondering around smoking because he couldn’t smoke in the house with the kids.

It just got to the point we talk and things but not like we use to mostly just about the kids work or sit and watch tv. He go to bed and I would sit up on the computer all night. He get up to go to work and I would still be sitting there doing whatever or on the couch watching tv. He would leave for work I would give the baby a bottle he go back to sleep and I would go to sleep for a little bit before we got up to start our day. He say aren’t you coming to bed and things I say I couldn’t sleep or in a little bit and he go to sleep. We go months sometimes 4 or 5 months or more without having sex. That was one reason I didn’t go to bed when he did either, I try to have something to do with him and he go to sleep or ignore me. Thinking back I am surprised, because that really wasn’t like him. He would be the one wanting sex about every night or two. It didn’t bother me but then when I did or just tried to be close he ignore me. I never thought he was cheating but now I am starting to wonder. The more I think about things back then and then finding the pants under the seat of my truck when I finally told him he had to move really makes me wonder now. I really could careless about the pants under the seat of my truck because at that point it was done and over with. But I do wonder about back then when we were suppose to be fine and together.

I know when I was working he got off hours before me but he wouldn’t be there to pick the baby up until right before I got home. Sometimes he wouldn’t get there until after me. I didn’t know this was going on for a long time because no one said anything. Then when I found out about it and was trying to figure out what he was doing his story always checked out. It was right after that I had to stop working and was home so he knew if he came home late all the time like he had been I would know and want to know what was going on. I figured at time our daughter was little he was scared to be with her and have to be the one to take care of her, he hadn’t been around kids and babies growing up. That was why he wasn’t coming home. Figured he went to the stores or over to the river for a little bit or drove around. When I asked him about it he said the guys hung out after work and talked and he was hanging out there with them. They have a few drinks and talk then leave and go home. Or he was working overtime, I knew when he done that because I handled all the money and knew how much his checks were every week and how much they would be if he had over time. But them guys didn’t sit there and hang out at this site for an hour or two before going home. A lot of them were family they lived together or next to each other and when I would drop him off and pick him up they may stand around for 5 or 10 minutes not hours.

At that point is when my feelings for him really changed regardless of what he was or wasn’t doing because of what he had done to be and how he had done about moving. We were there for just at a year and bought our house. Even when we moved in there I remember sitting in the hall at the computer all hours of the night again sometimes until he went to work or at least until he fell a sleep. Then we went through a short time there were things were ok but not great. We got to where we were doing things together again and going places once in a while. We went away for the night for our anniversary we really talked and things and had a good night. Things seemed to turn around for a little bit then, sex and things went back to normal and then he lost his job. Things were still good for the first year then they just went down from there. I was going to school he stopped doing anything just about at the house even though he was there all day and I was pretty much the only one paying bills. I stay up all night with the kids while he slept even though he didn’t have to get up the next morning. Then he started working and I lot my job. That is when it all just started falling apart. He started treating me like the maid and baby sitter with benefits and refused to ever do anything with me or the kids. Wouldn’t speak two words to me all night then when I go to bed start pawing all over me and wanting to have sex. I tell him no he say your my wife your supposed to I can’t get it anywhere else and shit push his self on me. At that point I just knew this was it and I was done I was getting out of it and we were getting a divorce no doubt about it no changing my mine. Now here we are today.

Wow not where I was going with this post at all, what a walk down memory lane and that isn’t even the half of it. Oh well guess it needed to come out but now leaves me with questions. Maybe one day I will get answers. Maybe if I ask after the divorce, he has nothing to lose then right? Oh well it don’t really matter anyhow.

et cetera
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