{July 16, 2018}   Maybe It’s The Stress

I don’t know if it is the stress of dealing with the truck, not having a ride and getting out of the house or never having enough money. But for whatever reason, I feel this overwhelming push to meet up with Sleeping Beauty and talk to him about everything. I think it is more the stress of not being able to do anything or go anywhere. I know it is one of the things I can’t do until after I get the truck fixed.

But I also feel like I need to go see my “friend” and talk to him about our 5 hour conversation, that has not been brought back up since it happen and everything was said.

I still do not feel he is the right one at this time. But feel that something needs said about it all. I feel I owe him some kind of explanation, not just forget it like it was never said and go on about life like we did in the past.

When I think of talking to him I feel dread, because I do not want to hurt him or upset him. I don’t want things to change between us either. I know that probably sounds wrong seeing as I want to get with someone else. I just mean our friendship to change or not have it anymore. Because we have always been friends first. We don’t talk all the time or hang out together often. But we do talk here and there just as friends check in see how eachother are doing or watch his little girl and things. It is nice to have just the friendship side of things. I know awhile back when I was talking to the friend from church or when me and Sleeping Beauty started talking. He wanted me to come over hang out go out or what. I told him I couldn’t because I was talking to someone and I wanted to see how that went. I could tell the fact I was talking to someone and things bothered him. Not that he was mad about it but more disappointed it wasn’t him kind of thing.

But I figured I would just approach it with hey can we talk about that conversation we had not long ago? Just tell him I didn’t want to just brush it under the rug or ignore it like the past. Just tell him that I just don’t think that we are looking for the samething when it comes down to a main part of the relationship. But that I do care about him and think about the samethings other than that. But I am scared he will say he is okay with that and willing to compromise or just wanted to see what I would say to that. I still think I need to go a different way with the other one. I don’t want to have to say that to him. No one wants to hear they aren’t the one you want to be with. But understand if your not interested in the same thing. Like he said he don’t know if I could do the things he was asking and that was fine. That was one thing that held him back but he put it out there anyway. We never really talked about it. He fell a sleep and it wasn’t brought up anymore.

I think about talking to Sleeping Beauty and I have no idea how to start or what to say. The other day I was ready to just go see him and put it all out there get it over with. Now I am in a different mood or mind set. Now the thoughts of rejection keep creeping in. The thought of him just blowing it off or laughing at me keeps coming up. He isn’t going to take me seoursely. Or I am going to tell him give him time to think about it and it be like my conversation with my “friend” just forgot about or not brought back up. I feel he won’t feel he can come to me and talk like he does if it goes no where and I know he needs that.

I also have no idea what to say or how to approach it and get the conversation started. I want to get together face to face and talk. I think that would be pretty easy to do. I know he has been wanting to get out of the house the only time he does is with his mom and them. I said something the other day about wanting to get out and no ride. He said he him too. I said if I had my truck i would pick him up we go do something. He said he knew or something like that. So I just tell him to lets go do this or that once i get it fixed and get out of the house a while. But still have no clue where to start once we do.

I don’t know, I know I want to say all the things I said I was going to in the other post. But I think I need to start off with something else. I worry I am going to say something before I even realize I am saying it. Like while we are just talking in general. I keep wanting toto say stuff when we are texting I stop myself.

I think part of this push to tell him also is just wanting to get it done and over with and not wondering and waiting. So I can decide what I am going to do from here. I know what I want to do but if we end up together then we have to decide what we are doing not just me for myself and the kids. Its all so confusing and complicated!!! J/k maybe ugh!!!

{July 10, 2018}   We Need a Face to Face Talk

While talking to my cousin about all this and trying to start researching this and planing it I thought of something else. Without even thinking I asked her what kind of jobs there were for guys and if they had a lot open or easy for them. She said yes. She asked if it was a boyfriend?

I told her no a friend for now. But we have been talking for almost a year. That it is kind of being danced around.

I know how I feel and know how he acts and comments he makes. I think he feels the same but scared or nervous still. Just like last week he was telling me come over what we could do. Tonight I said I was sick wanted to go home curl up snuggle up go to sleep. He said that would be nice if he could be there or something like that.

I need to get with him face to face where we have time to sit and talk uninterrupted. I am going to lay it all out there on the line spell it out.

I am going to tell him I am in love with him. Not for anything he has, not for anything he can do for me, not for anything he has done or can do.

But with him the person, what I know, what I have seen, what I see in him, what I can see us having and doing and building together.

I am also going to tell him that I think we both need a new start. A new start away from here, away from the drama, the drugs, the toxic “friends” and “family”. I am going to tell him my plan and everything. Then I am going to tell him think about it and let me know where he stands. If we are something he wants to give a shot and if moving is something he is willi n g to do since we can’t make it here?

If he does I am going to tell him start saving and getting prepared. I am not telling anyone we are together or that he is going when we go. I am not even telling the kids until we are loaded say our final good byes and hit the road. I will stop tell them and tell them we are going to pick him up and go get him.

I am telling my family very little about anything including where I am going fowarding address or anything. I do not want to be followed and I do not want to be bothered with my mother. Like I told her once she is no longer living with me i no longer have a reason to have contact with her. I won’t. I won’t change my number but I will the kids and not answer or block her.

But I also don’t need anyone else trying to start drama for either of us or just being in everything being nosie. Once we are gone let them talk.

I am going to get a hold of Sleeping Beauty tomorrow and tell him I need to talk to him in person. This week or early next. Soon as I have a ride. I can pick him up after work one night we can go somewhere and talk. Then I can take him home. No one has to run down here to get him. I just say I was called in to work. So no one is questioning anything.

I just want to send him a text right now and tell him how I feel. But I think it is better to tell him in person. I am just in this mood tonight. Work sucked I was called in to a mess on my day off. Then deal with rude customer after rude customer. Then come home and deal with her. It is like okay I am done living this way, I am done not living my life because I am living this way, i am tired of being scared to tell people how I feel unless I am pissed off at them or mad. Just in this lets just get it done moods. Pack and go, toss everything and go, lets go see father of the year with these papers. Lets just do, do. Fuck everyone I hope it last for awhile.

et cetera
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