{October 9, 2018}   Still Not Asleep

I have been awake for 2 hours or more since I was woke up earlier. I can not stop thinking about things. Right now I am so angry I just want to explode. I have done nothing but fight tears for days felt depressed and sad. Today and now I just feel anger and rage. The more I lay here awake the worse it gets. I am tired I wanted that 3 hours sleep I neef it. I walk around in a haze because I am so tired no matter how much I sleep.

I am pissed of over this job shit. I am pissed off because I can not find a decent job with decent pay. I am pissed off because I am struggling so fucking much and can’t get anywhere have anything. I am pissed off because I tried to be the bigger person do what was right and let this bitch come stay here and can’t get rid of her. All she does is add to the stress and struggle and rage. Because I am stuggling I can’t get her the fuck out of my house because it cost money.

I am struggling with a lot and pissed off about a lot. I am pissed off and full of rage over just about everything. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to do any of this anymore. I have no peace no happiness nothing. No hope of anything getting better no hope of ever being happy having anything or anything else. Just the knowing that its probably just going to get worse.

I am pissed off that whatever happen in my head when I had my accident happen and that things are so much harder for me now. Work, school, cooking, driving even more. I have to stop and really think about what I am doing why I am doing it, how to do it, step by step what to do and if I have to remember something I have to work even harder to remeber it tell myself to remeber and why what I am supposed to be. I can’t apply for a lot of the jobs I use to where I have to do paperwork in a fast pace and multitask because I can’t do two or three things at once. By the time I stop and do one thing I have done 100% forgot the other.

I am pissed off that I have no one to talk to about anything or go to. No one that really cares. I have Bff but I know she gets tired of hearing about it. I get tired of thinking about it hearing about it living it and dealing with it. It pisses me off I do not have that relationship with my mom like others have with theirs that I can’t go to her for help support or understanding. That no matter how much I try how much i struggle that my life sucks and always will. That now I had this stupid accident and things are worse and no one see’s no one understands and if I say anything it will just be I am lazy making excuses and just don’t want to do this that or the other. I am lying why didn’t I say something then. But I did and Father of the year knows I did he kept saying something wasn’t right and something was wrong. But I thought it would get better it hasn’t and it don’t seem like it has been that long but it has. Just like that time, time is so different to me know. Things from the past rather it was yesterday or years ago seem like they never happen or were so long ago. Mostly just don’t seem real or like it happen .I have to think really hard about it and can’t remeber a lot of things or any details just that they may of happen.

How do I explain this to anyone and is there help? If so how do I get it? How do I make life less stressful because of it. I need some kind of relief from it but I am sure they will just blow it off or say its my depression and anxiety and stress. But it has gotten a lot worse because of it too. I don’t know who to talk to what or if anything can be done how to get someone to listen and believe me help me. If something is wrong then what? What do I do? My head hurts I am so angry in such a rage. I can only sleep an hour and 15 minutes and still not able to fall a sleep. I am going to go try but i will probably just lay here thinking about things and getting mader until time to get up then i will be in a bad mood the rest of the day.

{October 9, 2015}   Walking Around In A Fog

Haven’t been on in a little bit, I haven’t been feeling that good. I have logged on to post then just log back out. I just feel like I am walking around in a fog lately. I keep forgetting things, can’t focus, feel so sleepy all the time. I sit down and try to do my school stuff and I read it three or four time and still have no clue what it says. I really messed up with two classes and my mid term. I don’t know how I done it I am on top of it and have a lot of my stuff done and ready to turn in ahead of time. I some how missed doing two classes of work. It was like I’m not even taking classes I never thought about needing to do school work or test coming up. Most the time I am doing work off and on through out the day every day. Yesterday I sat down and logged in for the first time in days and seen I had two mid terms that were due and they had to be done today or I would fail the class. I went and took them back to back. It is not like I am doing a bunch of other stuff and forgetting it I’m not. I just don’t think of it I’m sitting here doing nothing. Well not nothing most the time I am trying to hold my eyes open because I have been so sleepy no matter how much I sleep or coffee I drink. Tuesday my family was here for the boys birthday dinner my poor niece ask me for a drink like 5 times. I say ok walk around the corner into the kitchen and stand there be like what am I supposed to be doing then start doing something else. I come back through and she would ask if I got her drink. I just say I’m getting it let I needed to do this fast then I can get it. Sitting here talking to the kids I get in the middle of saying something and just stop because I have no clue what I was saying or can’t get it out.

I am starting to think it is from the accident. I felt ok after it I did get sick why we were there waiting for the police to do paperwork and let us go, but that was it I felt ok after that. Just shook up with all that happen to be expected. It all felt unreal or like a dream. I figured I feel fine the next day. I haven’t I just feel like it’s getting worse not better. I remember about two weeks after it happening having a really bad day and just not being able to wake up it seemed like. I got up with the kids and sat down on the couch I fell a sleep, sat down here at the desk to check on school stuff and couldn’t I had to lay down. I was supposed to be somewhere that night I knew I had something that day to do and could not think for the life of me what it was. I thought of it a few days later. My head hurts all the time. Right now I just want to go lay down and go to sleep and sleep for days. It is only 10 pm and I sleep in really later today, I should not want to be sleeping right now. But I felt like I wanted to go back to bed when I got up and it hasn’t changed just got worse. I don’t even like to drive right now and not because of what happen, just because I feel like I can’t focus. I was going to the body shop yesterday have lived here all my life pass it all the time, I had to stop and figure out where I was and if I passed. I knew I had passed it and needed to turn around and someone said no we hadn’t gotten to it yet. I was looking for a place to turn around. I hope it’s nothing and I start to feel better soon. I need to be able to do my school work, stuff around the house, drive and take care of the kids. I can’t do that sleeping all the time. I don’t think I felt this sleepy when I had mono and was trying to get over it. So much to catch up on here but I will have to do it later when I am feeling more up to it. It took me sitting down two different times to get this finished. That’s why I have been MIA

et cetera
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