Another Horrible Thursday

Why does everything happen on Thursday? Maybe I should skip Thursday from now on.

Me and J.W had a talk finally. It wasn’t a good time but it just happen, I couldn’t really help it. I went over and was laying there. He was back and forth between being awake and a sleep. Normally I will sleep an hour or so once I get there. I just could not get comfortable I guess you could say. I just kept thinking about what is going on and a small conversation we had a few hours before. I finally got up went sat on the couch. I covered up with a sheet he had out there was sitting there doing stuff on my phone. I knew it wasn’t the right time to say something and I just couldn’t lay there next to him anymore and not.

He came out there wanted to know what was wrong. I said I was thinking or something. He wanted to know why I came out there. He got a little aggravated I didn’t say anything. Finally I said something. A lot was said it is hard to remember everything that was. It happen so fast we had to get to work and things. We left 30 minutes late even because I wasn’t leaving in the middle once it was started.

He said I was acting this way because we didn’t have sex in the morning? That he just wasn’t into it or had to get ready or what. I said no its we hardly at all and then maybe every 5th time I enjoy it kind of. Any other you jump up in the middle go on. Your done that’s it everyone is if not to bad.

He started no I don’t what do you mean stop in the middle? Then looks at me and says story of my life I can never please you. Wow that went through me. I said what really you can never please me? Fine don’t worry about it if that is how you feel. Maybe us isn’t a good idea after all if that is how you feel. I didn’t know I was so hard to please and keep happy.

No no that isn’t how I meant it. We been together what 5 or six months now I’m just not use to things they are different than what I am use to. I said so what is wrong if I am doing something wrong tell me. I had already ask him to start with if i did something or said something or if this was because of what I told him. He kept saying no nothing was wrong I hadn’t done anything he was happy with me. So I said what are you not use to? Because I didn’t know I was doing anything. He said the way you treat me. I’m not use to it. I said what do you mean I don’t treat you no way. How do I treat you? He said good, really good okay. I’m not use to it i have dealt with a drunk for the last 8 years who treated me like crap didn’t care about me. Sex was alright get off me leave me alone.

We kind of went in circles and I finally got up to leave. I didn’t want to be late he already was. We got to work he said have a good day, see you later. I said yeah a good day I guess so. He said again why you going to be that way? Nothings wrong. Something about sex in the morning. He said bye got out.

I messaged him said how out of this whole conversation do you get that what is wrong is you don’t want to have sex in the morning? And that there is nothing wrong?

How are you aggravated with me because I’m not happy? Then turn around and tell me story of your life you can never make me happy. Like I bitch or complain all the time.

He said he wasn’t aggregated then said wow you are going to be like that.

I said what you said it not me. One thing one thing ever I am unhappy say something about that is what you say to me.

I told him I feel like there is this huge hole in our relationship. That I am so happy with us otherwise. That I wasn’t trying to attack him or make him feel bad. I have never dealt with this before I am the best I can. I told him I love him care about him. Our relationship. That if I didn’t i wouldn’t of said anything I would of just walked away.

He finally replied and said he loves me and cares about me. How sorry he was for making me feel this way.

I told him

I know sometimes you can’t or things happen once we start. Like we talked about the other day. You say you don’t know or why what’s wrong. I feel like you think that is what I am upset about or mad about maybe why your so upset with me over the way I feel. But I promise you that isn’t the issue or why I am mad at all. I understand. That i just want to figure things out so we can both be happy.

Because he still never brought it up. But I also got the feeling that is what he thinks I am really upset about. It isn’t easy for him to talk about it.

He said he knew and he wanted to too. He told me again he loved me.

We talked a little more after work when I picked him up. We sat there on the couch talked about different things. That some. I was getting ready to go said something about making a vet appointment for the dog and a doctor’s appointment for Little Bitty.

He said yeah I need to find a doctor and something about getting his arm checked out. Then he said go get everything checked out. See what is going on. He pulled me over to him.

I got in the truck it was starting to rain. He said man I was so worried about you this morning after you dropped me off and left for work. He said it was raining bad. You were so upset. He said I was glad when you said you were at work.

I do think he is happy and that he really does care. I think this is just a hard subject to talk about for a lot of people and then him to have the other issue makes it worse. No one wants to hear there are issues.

I think I know where the story of my life can never please you or what thing came from. I thought of it later. His ex wife cheated on him. He came home from work sick and caught them. He worked over nights. Then he told me this last on cheated on him with other guys and women. Drank and was nasty on top of it. All his friends talk about how she is and was and why he stayed so long.

I don’t know what happen between him and the two of them other than that. He don’t talk about it. But i am guessing if they both cheated this is probably why. I don’t know what lead to that if they talked about there being an issue, fought about it or how it was handled. If it was maybe they just cheated. I could see the last one being nasty about it. I don’t know his ex wife to have any idea how or if it came up what was said or done. Before she cheated. I mean he in his 40 now its not easy to talk about i can imagine how it was with his ex in his 20 30 to have issues. I can see him getting defensive and bothered by it. I honestly didn’t think about them cheating on him and things. How things may have been handled in the past.

But i don’t want to cheat and I don’t want it to be an issue between us. This is why I brought it up. But I am sure it brought more than just us up. But I was surprised when he said he needed to go to the doctor and get everything checked out and taken care of. I think like he said I do treat him good and he knows I care about him. I am not just trying to fight or nit picking over things. Yesterday Friday when I was there before work we were laying there talking and things.  He said I want to make you happy in all areas of our relationship. Not just some. He was sorry about the last few days and things.

Like he said I think our situation right now makes things a little harder as well. I agree with that to a point. I think things changing will help but I don’t think it’s going to make it 100% better. I think it is going to be something we have to work at and it is going to be an on going conversation and work. But I think it is something he will be more open to. He see’s I do care and I’m not wanting to fight or just walk away. That I understand and care.

I feel a lot better since we talked.

Dose He Really Care?

Monday was a holiday and I spent half the day or so with J.W. I went over early and we slept for a while. As you know from my post Depression, Anxiety and Quarantine things have not been great in the bedroom (TMI sorry).  Well things didn’t go so well Monday I finally decided to say something to him. He could tell something was wrong he asked a few times.

I decided to ask him a few questions to try and figure out what was wrong or if something was wrong. If I had said or done something. It is hard not really knowing about that part of his past to much. To know if maybe something from there or just what is wrong.

He said everything was fine I came right out asked him about sex he said it was fine he was happy. He ask what was wrong again. I told him i wasn’t really happy or enjoying it. He told me not to feel that way and changed the subject.

This point I was hurt and a little mad. He wanted to go eat was telling me to get up and where did I want to go. I was just short with him and told him I really did not care. He comes back with I just wanted to have a nice day you. I said so did I. He said is this all because you think I don’t enjoy sex? Because I told you I do.

Now I was mad I already told him and I wasn’t yelling but I was loud and angry. I said well I’m not. He just looked at me for a minute and says I didn’t know I’m sorry blah blah. Where you want to go eat blah blah. I am just looking at him. At that point I just wanted to leave. But I got ready and we went to lunch. I figured maybe we would talk then or once we got back but nope nothing as if I never said anything at all.

I dropped him off and went home. I was upset and sick all evening/night over it. I was really thinking about having nothing to do with him any more at that point. But aside from this things really are good and I am so happy.

It was late but I finally messaged him after deciding what I wanted to say. I started off with

I don’t know what to say about this morning, honey. I feel like I should say sorry but I can’t say sorry for how I feel. But today has bothered me all night.

He says its okay I didn’t have to say sorry.

I told him how happy i am with our relationship how we laugh all the time and joke when we are together. And we do we are always laughing when we are together. That we are there for each other whatever happens to help the other out. How it is nice to have that.

He said yes he was glad to and loved it and was happy to help and wanted to anyway he could.

I told him but it’s also hard to be with someone you can’t talk to about things that are important or that are bothering you. You always ask what’s wrong or say somethings bothering me. Want to know what. I tell you we sort of talk about it or i say what i have to say and its on to something else. Anymore i feel like why say anything. Just leave it alone forget it. But i can’t do that. I can’t just stuff it forget it and slap on that pretend happy face until its forgotten or next time. Nor do i want to. Because when that happens it’s the be gaining to the end. I don’t want our relationship to end not over something like not being able to talk about things.

I told him how when I did say again I wasn’t happy how he blew me off and didn’t bother to ask why I wasn’t happy? Felt the way I did or even want to know anything how it made me feel. That I asked questions trying figure out if something was wrong or what. All I got was no nothings wrong I told you. I wanted to have a good day too. Sorry.

I told him how I felt how I feel don’t matter how I just wanted to go home instead of lunch. How yes I got quite because I didn’t know what else to do. I had already told him how I felt and got no where. What else was I supposed to do? Why else would I say anything? What was the point? That I did not want to fight I am so tired of fighting. I just wanted to talk and work it out. But that didn’t happen. That I felt like I am just here until something else comes along or he gets tired of me or finds someone else.

He say’s no he cares how I feel, he don’t want anyone else but me. Still no nothing about why we are having this conversation. Why I am not happy or anything yet. Still as if that was never said and the only thing wrong is that i am upset about the way he did.

So I said I want to tell the kids im excited and scared about it already. Then today just makes me second guess myself wonder if its a good idea. I don’t want that. Im dealing with myself and the past enough with out the added what ifs. I still don’t feel good been sick all evening over it.

All he says is don’t be scared I want to be with you and sorry you been sick.

I told him i know I have dealt with a lot in the past. I know somethings bother me that shouldn’t. But that I don’t say anything because I know it is me not him. That is why this bothers me so much now. Because i am not like a lot of people who are always questioning everything or upset about things that really aren’t a big deal or blow things up. That then this is how I am done when something is a real issue and I say something.

He just says don’t keep it in tell me when something is bothering you. I told him I know he is use to always fighting and things that I really don’t want to. I just want to talk work things out. That if I wanted to just fight I would of earlier. I told him I care how he feels and if something is wrong. That we just need to talk. He said okay babe we will talk some more. I’m sorry and I love you. That was it.

Here we are two days later not a word about what happen that day or why I am not happy or anything else at all. I don’t know how to feel. What to think or how to handle it. I feel that it has now been made clear to him 3 times. The ball is in his court. If he cares like he says then he needs to step up and say something.

Because as far as I’m concerned at this point we had one small but important issue that could of been worked out in 10 minutes of conversation. But now has lead to the issue of him blowing me off and now acts as if nothing happen. Not bringing it back up and the fact that when i am so very bothered by something and flat out say I am not happy he still has not once asked the simple question of why even. That just stands out to me more than anything.

If be said to me look I told you this is bothering me or look I am not happy. First thing I would want to know is why? It is as if it has not even crossed his mind. I wonder how is that not even occured to him even when I have said you didn’t even ask this, this or this. I know guys think different than us. I know it is not an easy subject for him to talk about. I also know that he had a medical issue or what before. I don’t know if that is part of the problem and he is scared to tell me because he is scared I will leave or say something. But I mean of it is a medical thing I 100% understand and really think that if he knew my issue why I am unhappy it could help with him some too. Again not knowing his past to well when it comes to this kind of things the people he been with or what makes it hard. But medical is not a big deal and an easy to deal with. What I unhappy with is an easy fix as well. But it has turned into all these issues.

I think why am i making excuses for him. But I’m not I am just trying to figure out why we have the first problem that started this whole thing. Then I wonder if this is just showing me that maybe this wasn’t a good idea to get with him it is his true colors coming out. Or has he just not worked through what he has been through with his ex and the effect it has had on him. Is he in denial of it all. Was it just to soon. I have talk to her own family that has told me how things were how they do not know how he stayed and put up with it so long. How much happier he was once he left and how happy he has been since we have been together and things. So I know a lot of what he told me was true. I was worried when we got together it hadn’t been that long how he was going to be going into another relationship.

Someone To Grow With or Someone To Fix

When I was finishing my post about friends I had this thought. It has been on my mind all night and this morning.

Am I looking for someone to grow with or am I looking for someone to fix? 

To me someone to grow with is someone wanting the same things in life as you or close to. This way you can make those things happen together. Your not going to be perfect they aren’t either, your both going to have your “issues” or what but you are willing to help each other out. Be understanding and support.

Someone to fix is like Just Friends, To Broken For More

They have no goals, they aren’t happy in life they feel they have to have someone in life in order to be happy or do anything.

Or some one who can’t keep a job, drinks to much, someone who is abusive or cocky rude, who has a drug problem  spends their day doing what they have to in order to get it. Someone who has nothing and no ambition to have anything.

This is what I think of when I think of someone who needs “fixed”

When I was writing that post I was saying how my “friend” was finally doing something in his life and not just going through his day. He was doing something before but there were a few things I kind if had issues with that he was fine with. They weren’t bad or anything really wrong with it if he was happy okay. I just didn’t get how he was happy but everyone is different. I could of lived with it I wasn’t a big deal. But we just weren’t wanting the same things in a lot of areas. I don’t see it working out between us.

I was thinking about my old friend and Sleeping Beauty and where they are what they are doing or what in life. My old friend I don’t see growing with him even though we want a lot of the same things. But mostly because he don’t want kids involved.

I thought about Sleeping Beauty and my friend J saying to me all the time, you can’t fix him! Leave him alone. My friend at the hair shop saying you can’t fix him.

I keep saying I know and that I’m not trying to. Because in my mind I’m really not. When I thought about him I gotten to really know him. We had fun together, we could just sit and talk together lift each other up when we were down dealing with shit. We help each other out if we needed it, take the kids and do things or he do things here with them. We wanted a lot of the same things in life. Where we were each lacking I felt we filled in the gaps pretty well or could. He works and wants to work he wants the family and all that. He understood i had the kids they come first he felt they should.

Yes he has his problem but it isn’t a all day everyday thing. He can go without it and be fine. I know when he turns to it and does it. It was something we would of had to talk about. He have to be willing to stay away from it. I know he wants to but the hurdles and things he faces with it. I know I can’t make him stop or fix everything for him. Fix that for him. But the desire to stop have better and do better is there. I was willing to be there for him, beside him as support as he done it. Because I know I can’t do it for him or force him to. But I believe in the right situation with people who really care he could and would do it. I was prepared if he didn’t or couldn’t to step back and get out of it. Why I would of waited a while to bring the kids into it even though they know him.

But writing my post yesterday them saying you can’t fix him hit me. I thought was I trying to fix him? Like I said I felt we really messed and could grow together from where we each were. Yes he had this to work on he would have to figure that out and do that.

Then I started thinking so if they consider him needing “fixed” because of where he is what he has don’t have and his issue. I am okay with a lot of things if they want more and are trying to have more. So am I looking for someone to fix and not grow with?