Single___Parent___Life











{August 25, 2016}   Still Jealous

Father of the Year was here last night and he acted kind of funny. I could tell he wanted to say something but wasn’t. I was sitting here at the table doing stuff on line, he sat here at the table for a while. He acted like he wanted to bring something up but didn’t. I could tell he wanted to say something, ask something or something. But he never did so, I asked him about the wedding to see what he would say. I just said isn’t that the card to your brothers wedding over there that you were supposed to have sent back? He said yes he needed to get a hold of them. I asked him who he was going with or something like that. He said his self. I said your not taking the kids? He said he was thinking about it, he wants to take the older two but not Little Guy. I didn’t say anything. He said I guess I should take them all I just don’t know how he is going to do or something like that. I don’t know why he is so worried he is 6 and he is a pretty good kid. He can be a little rowdy at times but if everyone is sitting and watching the wedding he will sit and watch he isn’t going to be up in the middle of it or anything. There are going to be tons of other kids there as well so I am sure he won’t be the only littler one.

Oh then he tried to say well wouldn’t interrupt their schooling and stuff. I said they might miss a day or two but it isn’t like they miss a ton of days. The older kids had kids that didn’t even show up to school until like the week after because they had things planed. They aren’t going to miss anything because the teacher doesn’t stand up and “teach” the class any one given thing at any given time. The kids all sit at their tables with whoever they want to sit with there is a group of 12 kids ages from about 7 to 20 something. They each get their workbooks and pick whatever subject they want to work on and work on it. Some maybe working on math while others are working on reading and others on social studies, they are all on different levels. They work through it on their own at their pace and if they get stuck or need help they go over to the table where the teacher sits and they sit with her and she goes over it with them and shows them until they understand. Then they go back to their table. My oldest brings her books home almost every night and works ahead. My Big Boy is on track where he should be and even a little ahead in math. He brought home a notice congratulating him on finishing his first math workbook already and making a 100 on it. So they could bring their books home and work ahead before they leave, they could take extra time and work ahead at school or they could do either of the two once they got home. They wouldn’t miss that much they could even just add a few pages each day so that they stay on track. My little guy can always bring his home and work on it or they will work with him at school. He was like oh I guess your right.

I said it don’t matter to me what you do but if it is a family party and all the kids and family are getting together how are they going to feel when you say you are going alone or leaving some home and taking the others. He isn’t even taking all 4 of them he is only taking his three. I just don’t get it but he did have to have his mom go with him last time he took them up there for the week and came back. She is going but her and his dad are driving up and they are going before he would be leaving because he was going to follow them up or go together. I think he is scared to go on his own with them. I have a feeling he won’t go at all. If he does I will be surprised. I really don’t care if he goes or not or if he takes the kids or not. But I do need to know if he is going and if he is taking them. They will need stuff to wear they will need to let school know and he is supposed to let me know no less than 10 days before if he is leaving the state with them and give me the information as to where they are going. If he is going and not taking them then I need to know what he plans to do about that. I have to do hours for school and I do not know when they are going to be and they could be the weekend or during the week. I do not know if it falls on his weekend or not but if it does and he is not going to be here then it is up to him to come up with a sitter if it is needed. But he don’t think of any of this stuff. The odds are I will be here and won’t have that to worry about but it is possible. Plus I may like to make plans and do something if they are not going to be here. I will have my little one but I could take her to do something or get a sitter for a little bit and do something. I could do both they will be gone for the weekend. But he will wait until the last minute and then decide if he is going and then hasn’t even told them he is or isn’t and they probably assume he isn’t so then are they even going to be ready or prepared for them. That is the bigger question of it all right there but again he don’t think of that kind of stuff. Well he knows we talked about it he just don’t care, he does what he wants to do on his time and that’s just that everyone deals with it.

I finished at the computer went in the other room to do some stuff and talking to the kids. He just sat there not saying anything just looking around. Then out of nowhere he says so what do you want to say? I said what? He said you act like you want to say something but you haven’t yet. I said no just trying to get stuff done and figure out why your here. He didn’t like that, but it’s true why was he here? Why didn’t he go home after work? Instead he came here. He said because I called and ask him what time he was getting off work he thought I wanted something. He knew I didn’t need him to come over here I told him I was going to go take care of it. My mom wanted something from the store I figured if he was on his way home it make more since for him to get it or take her then for me to drive all the way over there and have to deal with her. He really thought I needed something he could have called before he went out of his way to stop here to see and he didn’t ask when he got here what I needed or anything.

He hung out for a while, I kept making the comment why was he still here and why he wasn’t going home? What did he really want, why did he really come over or what. He kept saying nothing he told me. I say why are you here he just look at me. I say then go home he start doing something with the kids. My friend that’s been sick called and wanted to know if I could give her a ride from the hospital again. I went and go her and left the kids here since he was here anyway. I got home he gave the kids dinner I had making. The next thing I knew the kids all went to bed. I was sitting here back at the computer. I asked him a few times again why he was here still and what he wanted. He just say nothing and mumble.

I finally said something and he said fine I’m jealous!!! I said what, of what, why? He said your going to meet someone or have met someone and I’m having a hard time with it. I want you back I don’t want you to be with anyone else. I’m mad at myself because I screwed up and I lost you. I just want to get back together. I said yeah that isn’t going to happen. He said I know, I know so are you seeing someone or talking to someone?

I said yeah I am with all this free time I have between taking kids to and from school, dealing with my school stuff and shuffling everyone else around here and there and taking them where they need to go. Well the kids are in school all day, I don’t know he say. I said and I am working on my stuff or taking my grandma and them places. Besides they would probably be at work that time of day if I was seeing or talking to someone. Well I don’t know it just bothers me to think of you with someone else and I ‘m having a really hard time with it and moving on. I said you sound like your feeling guilty to me who are you seeing or talking to? He said no one I don’t want no one. I don’t go anywhere to meet anyone I go to work and home that’s all. I said when your around your always on that phone. He said he was on facebook. I said facebook don’t respond right back all the time. I talk to my friend sometimes, that’s it. She just a friend. I said so whats wrong with her why don’t you go out with her? This is the one he asked to the wedding. He said she is just a friend, I said well you liked her for more than a friend before you told me a long time ago you liked her and wondered about her and things. She lives states away too. I said oh well you could change that. I don’t know I don’t want anyone else I just keep thinking about us and blah blah. I said oh well you need to go find you someone else to think about. Something else was said he finally got up and went on. Not that he should feel guilty if he did meet someone else but that is how he acted. And when I said something about finding someone else he said he was scared too. I asked him why he said he was scared of messing things up like he did with me. I said well don’t do the things you did with me with them and maybe you won’t.

Funny we are back to the how  he screwed up and that is why I left. It wasn’t that long ago he got all pissed off about something and I was the bitch and everything else again. Then it was all my fault we weren’t together and I was a horrible person for leaving him when he didn’t do anything wrong and it was all me. I just wanted to go out and fuck around. I wanted to party all the time and go out with all these guys. Funny in 6 years I was in one relationship that was it. I sure wasn’t out parting all the time. I was home taking care of 5 kids and now it’s been me and my 4. I am sure we will get back to the how horrible i am how I did this and it is all my fault again down he road. We always do. He just can’t seem to get past any of it. He goes from being pissed off to jealous. I don’t know I hope he don’t get like he did before because he got really nasty and pretty bad. There were many people scared he was going to do something really bad to me or to himself and maybe the kids. I am going to tell him he can’t just pop in over here anymore and that he needs to let me know when he is coming if he is he needs to pick the kids up and go did whatever not come and hang out all the time. I am also getting my key back. He never gave it to me when he moved. When I was so sick he was helping with the kids I didn’t say anything but forgot it after that. I don’t know why it has been on my mind and bothering me that he has my key still and something that keeps saying get it back get it back. I hadn’t really said anything because I know he is going to get pissed and probably start something or say something then. I didn’t want to start a fight in front of the kids. When I do it’s probably really going to piss him off even if he don’t say anything or start. He will sit and think about it and think about it and blow it up to something in his head. He is always like a ticking bomb, you never really know how he is going to react to something and then if he don’t if he is going to blow up about it later or start about it. Mine is about broke in half I figured I just tell him mine broke I need the other key and go get it from him at work. He won’t think anything of it maybe. If he says something about getting another made I just forget. Or tell him he don’t need one it is my house.

He did all he did and it took me all these years for me to get him to agree and go through with the divorce and I finally got it. Does he really think I am going to turn around and go oh I changed my mind lets get back together? He must be stupider than I thought our think that I have just lost my mind. There is no way I would ever get back with him, divorce or no divorce wouldn’t happen no reason no how. He knows this I have told him that before. He just acts like oh the divorce is over now he has a chance. What the hell is he thinking? I mean really does he really think this far into things there is still hope or a chance? I just don’t get it. I notice he been acting different lately.



{December 10, 2014}   How Sad Has My Life Become

That as I sit here watching t.v. and see all these couples together I feel lonely maybe a little jealous. Jealous of people pretending to like each other or pretending to be in love. I don’t know what it is the last month or so I have been feeling really lonely. In return has been making me depressed. I keep trying to not even think about it or pay attention to it on t.v. but it seems like that is all that is on t.v or all that I notice anyway. I feel like I am never going to have that again.



Father of the year has been so over bearing the last few weeks I don’t know what his problem is. It started a month or so ago when the kid from a few house down came over. He isn’t a kid he is 28 I think. But me and father of the year have known him since he was about 9 him maybe even longer. He still seems odd when I see him now he is “grown up”. I forget what it was he needed or wanted but he stopped by and father of the year wasn’t here. We talked and I got whatever it was he wanted or answered his question. The kids like to hang out and talk to him. He comes over and we rent him movies and things. If we need help moving something he will come over help him move it. He borrows the lawn mower and things. Just whatever if he needs something we can help we do if we need something he can help he dose. But father of the year don’t like it if he stops by and he isn’t here. I haven’t said anything but I can tell he gets in a mood. He thinks if I talk to a guy I want them or want to get together. I don’t know why I have never been that way and am really picky about who I date and things. Anyone that knows me will tell you before I was married I was single way more than in a relationship and I wasn’t out bed hopping and hooking up with just anyone. But that is how he acts. I don’t know why he thinks he even has room to get mad if I talk to or date anyone we aren’t together and haven’t been for years. But he dose.

I have not been out of the house without the kids in months. The other night when I went out with my friend J for a couple hours and then he text and text wanting to know when I was coming home. I was clothes shopping. Not like we went out to the bar or club. Saturday I got up and left about 9 before anyone got up. He woke up why I was sitting on the couch getting ready to leave. He wanted to know where I was going. I told him to pick up J and find something to do. We had plans Friday but she got really sick. I also picked a friend up and took him to work but I didn’t tell him that I was doing that. I could have it is no big deal his old lady knew I was taking him and everything. But he already makes comments about him and me because we talk. He is the one I have known forever I wrote about before. I didn’t feel like hearing him start about it and bitching. Because he again has no say in who I talk to or what I do. I don’t not tell him because I don’t want him to know or because I am sneaking around. I don’t tell him because he can’t be an adult and say oh ok and go on. He start being really rude and nasty and wants to argue and fight about it.

He keeps asking me who I’m seeing and what’s his name and why don’t I just tell him the truth and stop lieing he isn’t stupid and all this. I am not seeing or talking to anyone at all. I have not been any where to meet anyone I never have more than 5 minutes a way that I don’t have the kids with me. I won’t take my kids around someone I just met. I don’t know when he thinks I have time to meet or talk to someone. He keeps making nasty comments and things. I have bought a few dresses the last couple weeks. I hardly ever wear dresses never really have wore them. But I have one longer one I got when I was pregnant and I were it sometimes and I found a nice one at when I was out shopping with J the other day at the thrift store. It isn’t nothing great it is just a simple white coten longer dress. I like the maxie dresses Iguess they call them. They come down to your feet or about. I don’t like my legs is why I wear pants most the time. I use to have a bunch of long dresses and skirts I would wear. But they wore our or got to small. I have a hard time finding them now that fit right that I like so I don’t buy them. since I have gotten bigger I feel like they just don’t look good. J had been trying to get me to dress sexier and nicer. I really wear nothing but jeans and whatever t shirt I grab and my fli flops all the time. Year round. I use to dress better before I gained so much. When you are depressed you really don’t care what you look like. I  needed new clothes bad I still have a lot I want to lose. I figured if I found a few dresses that looked good I could wear them for a while even after I started losing. Plus it has been really hot and pants are just to hot but I don’t like the way I look in shorts so dresses are better. But he has been in a piss mood and wanting to rub and touch on me. When I push him a way or move it just makes it worse.

I would love to have a relationship like I said in my other post. Not because of sex and things. But as bad as I would like to have one I don’t want one right now. Who is going to want to talk to and be with someone in the situation I am in? If they do they aren’t going to be someone who really cares and wants to stick around or in for anything more than some temporary whatever. If they really were interested in something long term it isn’t fair to them to be in the middle of this all and things the way they are. If they didn’t mind it is wearing and it is only a matter of time before they are gone to. Not that I want to stay in this situation I am working on getting out of it. But until then. I am not looking to get with anyone and moving in with them either. I right now just want to be alone until I am out on my own at least. I really don’t want to live with anyone again maybe ever. If I am in a relationship it would be a really long time before I would consider living together. I like having my space and I need to just have my own place for me and the kids for a while after all that we have been through with living with people moving and everything else the last few years. I need to feel in control for a change not like everything is just up side down and in the air. I need to make my own decisions about things with out having to ask or worry about what someone else is going to say or do. If someone can’t understand that and be ok with it and trust me then I guess they will have to find someone else other than me. Because I have been through to much to make the same mistakes again.



et cetera
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