Topic Of The Day—Day 2 What Attracts You In Love

I wanted to get this up and going the first week of the month but I have been a little distracted with life and all that comes with it. Some good, some bad but getting through and doing alright. That’s other post later on. But since I didn’t get to really start last week we will get the ball rolling now.

So what does attract you when it comes to love?

This was a hard one for me for a long time and I think I have just come to really figure it out and even out a little bit. I have never been one to really judge anyone where ever they were at in life if they were trying and progressing in some way. I would consider or give a lot of people chances. not because I’m desperate or can’t get anyone but just because I know what it is like to be in hard spots, fall on tough times and know how hard it is to claw your way out of them sometimes.

But at the same time I think that I was maybe a little to understanding, over looked a little to much and helped make excuses. I do believe that everyone can move from where they are and move up if they want it bad enough and look in the right places. But you quickly learn that most are where they are because they are happy there and it is what works for them. Even if it isn’t that great. They have no desire or drive to have more. In order to have more they would have to put in more of an effort and get up and do something. Like maybe get a better job where they are working more than a few hours a week, or somewhere they make more money or they may need to get a 2nd job for a while.

It isn’t easy to pull yourself out of a bed spot. But when I look at where I was, where I have been, how far I have come and the fact that I have basically done it on my own, I can’t feel sorry for anyone or make excuses for anyone really. Because if I can do it then there is no reason a grow man not taking care of anything but himself can’t. I know a lot of single dads who are doing it as well who have their kids full time as well.

That is what really made it hit me one day. I was at the store and two or three grown men come up asking me for money. I am just looking at them like they have lost their minds. Most have nothing wrong with them but they need their next fix, you can tell. It made me mad I work my ass off they are doing this want want money. Then I started looking at others and where they are and what they are doing and where they were and how far they have or haven’t come and it is like is anyone really trying? It changed my views thoughts and opinion on a lot of things.

Anyway back to topic at hand here. What attracts you?

I am looking for someone that first and for most they have to have goals, ambitions or whatever you call them. I am always changing and always growing and always striving to do better, be better, have better. I like to do new things, try new things, change things up. I don’t want the best of the best, or feel like I need to be better than anyone or have better than anyone. I am happy with who I am and what I have at this point in life because I know it isn’t all there is and that if and when I want something different I can make that happen.

It is more about not being happy just existing, not being happy with just getting by or just mundane doing the same thing over and over again. You have to have a purpose in life or it just has no meaning. If someone don’t have that it is a no go for me. I can’t drag someone around or pull them up when they have no desire for anything more than what they are doing. I also can’t be happy just joining them where they are and sitting.

I want someone who is on level with me or damn near close. I do care where you are what you are doing where you came from how far you have come and what you are doing to keep going and get better do better have better or what.

I want someone that understands my kids come first and have to because I am all they have.

I need someone who is going to ask questions and wants to understan where I am coming from why I do what I do. Someone who I can have conversations with and get somewhere not just small talk.

I want someone who loves me for me not what I can do for them give them or have.

I want someone that wants a family not just a fling or girlfriend.

Court Round 2 Finally

I have been looking at the clerk’s site and child support enforcement to see when my court date is since they posted last week that they were sending a date in the mail. They have not updated them. That isn’t normal because the clerks site is updated daily and a few times a day most the time. Anytime something is done someone is updating it.

I contacted child support yesterday evening before I left to go to my other job when I could finally get through. They said that my court date is Feb the 26th at 8:30 am. I am dreading going, I have been since I seen it said they had set one and sent the letter. I hate the way I felt when I seen father of the Year last year. I don’t want to feel that way again. Bff says she will go with me but she said that last time too and didn’t. I am thinking about asking my friend I have been hanging out with if he would go with me. He knows it is coming up and that I am dreading going. I told him how it was last time.

I also asked them to check on the case with R.C because that was done back in October and they have done nothing with it since then. They said they are not sure why something wasn’t done they are waiting on a court date. She said she is going to send a paper over to the lawyer or courts and have the look into it. So hopefully they will get that going and we will go with in the next month or so as well.

Father of the year is over $3900 behind I don’t know who will give him that much money to get him out of it this time. As much as it would be nice to have the money I kind of would like to see him do some time for it this time. Maybe he will see that if he don’t pay it this will really happen. The threat wasn’t enough to make him keep paying. He figures oh well I will just borrow the money or what once it gets to that point. But maybe if he had to do time because he couldn’t get it then he would think hay maybe I should just pay it before it gets so out of hand and I can’t get the money. Probably not but wishful thinking. If he is borrowing this from his boss and his boss is taking it back weekly out of his pay check then it is taking weeks, well months to pay back. What is the difference if he just pays it to me every week and it not get so far behind and his kids have what they need. Would be much easier than not paying it, having to go to court, scramble for the money and risk going to jail or going and having to spend who knows how much time there and now risk losing your job and house and everything you have had given to you. Because we all know he didn’t get it on his own or work to get it. His boss gave him everything and now hopes he works enough to at least pay him every week.

I am going to bring that up to the judge as well why we are in court. I’m going to say to her, can I say something?When she says yes I am going to say I want to ask him some questions. He says he is working he just isn’t paying weekly like he is supposed to. He says he don’t have it to pay and don’t have the $3900 to give today. I would like to know where he is going to get the money from? Assuming he is going to have to borrow it or try to borrow it he is going to then have that to pay back weekly. How does he pay it back weekly once he gets to this point but then says that when he isn’t paying on it he can’t afford to pay me? What is the difference if it comes out and goes to someone else to borrow what he pays me when he gets to this point vs him just paying me weekly and not getting to this point and having to not only now need to pay me but also have to pay that back weekly or monthly?

I am going to also ask if we can’t get this back in court like after him missing two weeks or a months of payments not a year just about. I am going to point out the fact that he is working he admits to working and just not paying it, but that he pays it once they pull him in there and make him so he has the means, can and will just won’t. I hope it all goes well.

2nd Best

I am so over the bitch and the shit she is saying and doing. she has decided to come out of her room and trying to take over the house now. Things are going to get really ugly and nasty really quick here soon. I am just biting my tongue and trying to decide what to do and how I am going to do it.

Last night I was standing there and Mr.9 came up and hugged me and was talking about his gift and Christmas and being so excited. He said he loved me and I was the best mommy ever. I was number one or something like that. He said a few things about how good of  mom I was how much he loved me and things. It was the best day ever I got them the things they really wanted.

The bitch happen to be out of her hole and sitting there. She says really Mr.9, knock it off now. He said some more and she said you need to stop now. No she isn’t if she was any kind of mom she would this or that. He said something about working hard for us and things. She said she needs some work alright. She far from the best or good and other stuff. Mr.9 had this look and didn’t know what to say. He said maybe 2nd best mommy then. She said that’s better but I wouldn’t say that either. He said something gave me a hug, I told him he didn’t do anything wrong I loved him. He walked away looking so confused and upset.

Who the hell says something like that to a kid. I don’t care if they are the worst of the worst of parents. You don’t say that kind of thing to a kid. As bad as Father of The Year is and R.C not being in the picture I don’t say things like that to my kids about them when they say things about their dads. Little Bitty says things about her dad and how he is and she loves him and wants to meet him and all that. I don’t say he is scum, he didn’t do this or don’t do that. I tell her I want her to meet him and want them to have a relationship. Hopefully that will turn out to be a good one. If not then she will make her mind up how she feels about him and what he is like and things. Just like the older three have from seeing what their dad has done.

I told oldest it is sad that you want someone out of your life so bad that you don’t care how it has to happen. that you don’t care what happens to them and would’t care if they dropped dead tomorrow. but that is how she has made me feel. it isn’t all from the last few years it is all my life the way she has been and done me.

My friend that I have been talking to said it sound like she is trying to turn your kids against you. I said I am sure, she can’t stand it. She hates that my kids are so close to me and that they care so much. She hated my relationship with me dad and has made comments about it so many many times. We have never been close and never will be. My sister has next to nothing to do with her and my brother don’t either. She just can’t stand it. She don’t like that me and my sister talk and tries to start shit between us when she finds out. I would hate to be so miserable in life that she is that I would have to do things like that and be that way.

R.I.P My Girl

 

This was probably one of the worst long holiday weekends we have had in a long time, maybe ever. Last Monday I had to take the dog to the emergency vet after my night job. I ended up leaving work at 11 that night to take her. She was having a lot of trouble getting up and moving around and fell and couldn’t get up. The kids got her in the house because she was outside. When I got there I tried to get her to get up and she wouldn’t or couldn’t. She would just move the front of her body around and try to drag or pull her back legs around. I put a blanket down to get her on to take her to the vet and she couldn’t get on it. She loves to ride but couldn’t even get up when I asked her if she wanted to go for a ride.

We finally got her on the blanket it and it took us a while to move her and get her into the car. We could hardly get her picked up. We could only get her a little piece and have to sit her down. When we got there they came out and got her on a stretcher. Once inside she got up and moved around for them some but still had problems and wasn’t to strong.

The vet came in and checked her out. He didn’t do x rays but really moved her legs around and checked her back and things really good. He seemed to think it was arthritis in her hips. We didn’t do x rays because she had problems a few years ago and they gave her meds and she was good in a few days and had not had problems since. They said in 3 to 4 days we should see an improvement.

By Friday she wasn’t doing better and the meds were not helping with pain for very long at all. She was needing it again well before time for her to have it again. I had pain meds they gave her before that she didn’t need all of so I called the drug store to see if she could take the two meds together and they said yes. I got home and told them to give her the pain med until I could call her vet and get her in the next morning.

I called them Saturday morning and they said they could get her in at 1. It took a bit to get her in the car again but she was more able to help us get her in there. We got there and she wouldn’t get out. I told oldest to go in and ask them to help us with her. While she was in there I finally got her to get out of the car. She wanted to walk all over but I got her to go in because I knew that she wasn’t going to walk around long or would fall down. I didn’t want her to get stuck outside. About the time we walked in they were coming from the back with a stretcher to get her in. They took us right into a room.

The tech came in and talked to us she said the vet would like xrays and blood work. We were fit in between appointments and late so it maybe a little bit before she could get in to see us but we could have this in the works and ready when she got in. I told them we would do the x ray but I wanted to talk to the doctor and wait for the blood work. By the time they got back to us the doctor came in with them. We talked and she took her to get the x rays. We really thought it was going to be her hips and she needed stronger medication.

They brought her back in and said her hips looked great, even for her age. Then they told us (oldest went with me) that it was her spine. They said it was getting narrow and it had arthritis in it and it was what was causing her to lose control and not be able to use her back legs. She said we could put her on stronger meds and pain meds and see how well we could manage it. But that it would not really improve her, she would most always need help getting up and getting around. They were talking about the stronger meds also would effect her organs and with her being older was more likely to happen and probably wouldn’t take long to. She also pointed out that the mass she has was kind of swollen and was at risk of busting open. She said she didn’t know if it was that way because she was just in heat and would go down or not. She said we would just have to watch it. She said that she would start to get pressure sores from not being able to move and things as well.

She didn’t just dump it all on us, she told me as I asked her questions and things. I just told her I was trying to figure out if the meds were going to help or just prolong things? That I didn’t want her to suffer but that I also didn’t want to rush to do anything if she had a chance of improving and doing alright if we just worked with her and gave her time.

She said that she felt at this time it would just be giving her quantity of life not quality. She told us we could take her home and come back later or another day to give us time and things. She said that honestly she felt it was time and that she felt she was ready. I told her I said I want to do what is best for her. I don’t want to take her home to just give us time and things when she is suffering. I just want to be sure we are doing the right thing. She said no she understood and answered all our questions and talked with us for a while. We decided it was best for her and that we needed go ahead and do it. We told the tech and she took her out and put the iv in. She said it would be a while before the vet could get to us she was in the other rooms seeing other animals. She asked if we would be ready when she was done or if we just wanted to leave her or let her know when we were ready. I told her we be okay let us know when the vet was ready.

My oldest decided she didn’t want to be there while they did it. I was fine with that. I have had to do this two other times and hate it but won’t just leave them alone while they do it and let them spend their last few minutes alone they been there so much for us.

In a little bit the tech and vet came back in. They had ice cream and cake or something on a plate for her. My oldest went out. She was on a big towel on the floor we were sitting on. They sat down on the floor with me and the dog. They gave her the plate of treats. She ate the cake up right away. Then she started on the ice cream. She ate a good amount of it. While she was eating it they gave her an injection to make her go to sleep as if they were going to do surgery on her. She went to sleep right away, they moved the plate over from her. She started to snore and was laying there so peacefully. Then the vet said she would give her the injection that would do it and it would be done with in just a minute or two. I told her okay. I sat there and pet her and held her head and they gave her the shot. In a minute she said it was done. I just cried we had cried the whole time we sat there petting her and talking to her. I looked at her and we all got up after a few minutes and I looked down at her. She looked like one of those huge stuffed animals that you see at the store. I just wanted to reach down grab her and cuddle her. I had to leave the room, I couldn’t sit there and see her like that.

We got home and I had to tell the kids she went to be with Sprite our dog that got hit a few years ago and passed. They are so upset. My Little Bitty said can we just get out of here and go do something? I don’t want to be in the house without her right now. The other kids all were upset as well.

My poor little Bitty cried and cried last night and all she has said since I told her is this is the worse time for this to happen. This is the worse day for this to happen. She needed to be here for Christmas, she was supposed to be here so she could see all the pretty Christmas stuff and lights and to get her gifts. Then she could go be with her and grandpa. I keep telling her that they are all together and happy watching over her. But she is still upset. It is understandable. I feel horrible for them.

We got her when my older two were 3 and 2. They picked her out when she was a few days old and brought her home at 8 weeks old, just a few days before Christmas. She been around pretty much all my kids lives. She loved them as much as they loved her. She has been apart of our family for 12 years. That is a long time and seems even longer for kids. I don’t know what breaks my heart more, wjat we had to do or for them to have to go through this again and with one they are so close to.

Little Bitty took her picture here and added to it as you can see.

Today Pops got to the shop late, it was after lunch. I told him I had to go over across the way to the vets a minute. It’s probably not even a quarter mile from our office now. When we move it will be even closer. But I ran over and picked up the paw print they made. I went in and told them what I was there for and everything. They went back and brought a little bag out. I didn’t even look in I went to leave. As I was walking across the parking lot back to the car I felt the bag and could tell there was more in it. About the that time it hit me. It was her collar and leash. Now I don’t know what to do with it. One thing the kids said was where is her collar? I told them I left it on her, left it with her. They said good we want it to stay with her. I was that way with my other dogs as well. I didn’t want their collars I felt they should be with them and one I had loved his collar he hated for you to take it off. He sit and wait for you to put it back on him.

So when I felt them in the bag today this oh no now what just came over me. My first thought was to throw them away but it just seems wrong to throw them away. I hate to take them home to the kids because I know it is going to upset them they wanted it to stay with her. Right now they are still in the bag with the print I have to figure out what to do with them before I go home tonight. If I had my truck I just toss them in one of the boxes or what and figure it out later but this car has no where to keep things. I wish I jad noticed inside I would of asked them to keep them. Just told them the kids wanted them to stay with her I didn’t want them to see them. I know I shhould just be the adult and get rid of them or what but I can’t and dont know what to do with them either. Getting rid of them feel like we just didn’t care or don’t care and that isn’t it at all. We just wanted them to stay with her and not to have them. There isn’t really anything we can do with them other than just have them laying around. I will probably just take them home and drop them in my trunk.

Took Time For Myself

I had not been out in months, probably 4 or more. All my time lately has been at work or out with the kids doing something with them. I was starting to feel irritated and in a bad mood all the time. I didn’t want to be at work, I didn’t want to be at home or around the kids. If you are a parent I am sure you know that feeling when you haven’t had a break and your busy with no time to yourself.

My “friend” messaged me during the week and asked if I wanted to go out for a while. I told him I couldn’t go out until Saturday around 8. I never go out on Saturday but I needed the break and figured that by 8 the kids would be settled. We had plans during the day and I figured I would take them to dinner. By 8 they could settle for the night watch movies and play until they went to bed.

I got home and out around 7 and messaged him to see what he was doing. He said he wasn’t ready he was just starting to get ready. I told him that was fine. I had a few things to take care of to let me know when he was done. I went and put my check in the bank and stopped at the pharmacy. He told me he was ready and asked if I wanted to meet at his house and take his car? So I went over there.

We ended up going up to the pool hall having a few drinks, played some pool and talked. We went back to his place and talked for a while and I was home by 11. But it was a nice relaxing night and a much needed break.

I think I am going to see if others want to go shoot some games of pool or darts maybe once a week or every few weeks. I use to be so good at pool and now I am horrible at it. But I love to play. Darts I have never played out anywhere just at houses but had a lot of fun playing. It be better than going and sitting listening to a bunch of people that can’t sing and eating all the time. I am going to ask around tomorrow see who would be interested in going.

Dating and Pictures

Have you all checked out the facebook dating thing they have going on? It is better than that meet me disaster they had before. I looked at that once for a minute or two and that was more than enough for me.

I seen the other day they have something new simple like them or don’t click and go. You put in a little bit of information about yourself and the what you are looking for. You can answer some other questions about yourself and add pictures.

one of the questions is do you have children and do you care if the other person has children? No big deal I have no problem answering those. I have noticed that a lot of people who say they have children add pictures of their children or of them and their kids. I don’t know what I think of that. I never thought to add pictures of my kids or of me and them. As you all know I keep them out of all that kind of thing. It just seems odd to put pictures of them up on a site that your looking to meet people on. Is that just me or am I being unreasonable?

While we are talking about pictures lets talk about some of these other pictures guys are posting on there. They look like killers, mugshots, or video still shots the cops use when they are looking for someone. Then you have the ones that are half naked or in towels. And is it a rule that you have to have a fish in your picture if you are on one of these things?

I hate the pictures of myself and hate having to put them up there or anywhere really. But if or when I do I am really picky about the ones I put up. I think maybe it is just the area we are in. We still have that really shallow  Dating Pool.  That probably explains it all honestly.

Worried About My Boys

Last week bff called me and told me that she seen on R.C’s ex father in laws page that his wife died. I didn’t even know that she was sick or had been. I hadn’t really looked at their pages in a long time. I look once in a while and look at pictures and save them for my Little Bitty. She don’t know she has brothers or sisters but I want her to. I plan to tell her, but I don’t know when or how. It will probably be in the not to far future. She has made comments about her dad having other kids but hadn’t put the two together. I don’t know what will happen once we go to court once we get a date. But I am sure that things will probably come up.

I do not know how things are or have been with the boys and their mother. I don’t know if she has been doing okay or not. I know she had another baby around the time I had Little Bitty. That guy wasn’t in the picture and she was staying with her mom. I know they seem to be doing pretty good there. But I think at one point she had moved out and they may not have been talking by somethings that her mom had posted on her profile. But then someone told me that she had been staying there and helping with her mom since she been sick.

But I know that someone else passing away was when she started taking pills and ended up hooked on them. Even if she has been doing good all this time and things her being there taking care of her mom through this and then her passing I am worried this could push her over the edge. Her step dad is back over seas working like he has been the last 7 or 8 years. She passed on the 29 of August he got in town that day or night and left around the 17 of September. I don’t know if he has plans of coming home to stay at any point or not. I am guessing probably not if he didn’t all this time that his wife was here and sick and things. There isn’t really anything to come home to.

But at this point the boys really have no one to look out for them and take care of them if she don’t or gets back on something. I worry where they are going to go or what is going to happen with them. I kind of wish that I had reach out sooner and tried to let them have a relationship with them. Maybe it would have worked out and at least I would be seeing them and know if something was happening or going on. I don’t know at least give them someone to talk to come to for help if it happens.

I don’t know how the kids are doing or handling all this either because they were all so close to her. If she is in any state of mind to help them deal with it all either. I worry about that as well.

I don’t know if she is online or post much because I never see anything from her. Once in awhile he will post something but not often since he isn’t home. Most the time the things I got were from the moms page. I may watch and see when he is going to be home again and reach out to him about getting the kids together. See what he says. I honestly hadn’t up to this point because of the mother. I didn’t want to get involved with her and the way she is. I figured she would tell her not to. Just the way she was in the past.

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