Single___Parent___Life











{June 3, 2020}   Same Old Same

Not a lot going on nothing new really. Just normal everyday life stuff. Been feeling more depressed lately and I am not liking that at all. Sunday I was in a pretty bad spot. Things were different than a normal sunday. I didn’t handle it well. The stress of a relationship is something I have been 2nd guessing for a while now.

Not that I am not happy with JW because I am very happy. It is just the extra stress of being stretched so far already and now adding this in the mix. Feeling guilty when I am with him because I am not with the kids. Being upset and angry that I feel that way and that I don’t have free time ever to do things I would like to do or want to do. Because I am the only one they have and I am it 24/7/365. I resent it and it pisses me off and i just want to pack their shit and drop them on their father’s door steps and take a break. I can’t do that and that pisses me off. Its just a big circle that nothing can be done about right now. It pisses me off everyone else does whatever they want to do and has help and tome away.

Like Sunday J.W said he wasn’t doing our normal Sunday whatever. He was staying home doing some things. I get it he only has the one day off. But it just upset me or what because i should of been able to do what I needed to do and gone back over. But I couldn’t i had be home with the kids. I can’t ever just decide I’m going to do this or that for me today or because its what I want to do. Because i always got to be available for and to the kids.

Don’t get me wrong I love my kids more than anything. But everyone needs a break once in a while and I never ever get that. Its been over two years since I had a sitter for my kids. Then that was only 3 of them and it was because I was doing something with the other. And if anything happen I still had to be able to leave go take care of it. I don’t know the last time I didn’t have to be available or really worry. Probably over 8 years ago when me and RC were together. The kids would go with Father of the Year for the weekend. Since then I have been the only one doing it all. Even after that if he had anything to do with them it was take them run to the store bring them back or sit at the house with them until he got ready to leave. I couldn’t have anyone over and he was going to leave when ever so I had to be there to be with them. If i left i had to make sure i was back. I couldn’t just say im spend the night here or there or come home when i want to or what. It sucks. Never having a break to just do for yourself. You can try to take time here there but it is not the same.

So life been pretty much same crap different day. Depression no break worse depression stretched to far ready to give up feeling hopeless angry and resentful. Don’t care if you live or die Same kind of day. Not resentful of my kids but these assholes who call theirself men and daddies.



Had to edit to add a title lol

I am so happy with J.W and our relationship. He is always committing on me looking at him. Or stairing at him. A lot of times in the mornings when I go over and he is sleeping. I didn’t even relies I was doing it.

But lately it just seems to good to be real and I just lay there and wonder when it’s all going to blow up. The closer we get to telling the kids the more worried about it I am. The more uneasy I feel and the more i wonder if I should tell them. I feel like we are 5 months together it is just a matter of time wait it out. The last relationship only lasted about 8 months. By the time I tell the kids it will probably end so why tell them at this point?

I try to tell myself it isn’t true he cares and wants to be with me and the kids. He is excited about getting to know them and do things be a family. That him and the kids would get along together so well.

My mind goes to but is he really going to want all this once he gets a car? Is he really in this and want it? Once he gets a car is he going to find someone that has more free time? Don’t have all the extra going on? Or just decide he rather be single?

He says all the time why didn’t we talk more back years ago? I wish I knew what was going on and what you were going through. I would of put a stop to it i woulld of helped you. I am so happy you found me and messaged me. I am so happy. He tells me all the time he can’t wait until things are different for us. The kids know things open we can all do things together. Just Thursday night he was telling me when he gets his car and things each weekend he is going to take one of the kids and spend time doing something they want to do just them. To give them some time away from the other kids and some one on one time with them to get to know them and the things they like to do.

Yet I am just waiting for it to all blow up. Thinking is it worth involving the kids. The last few days he keeps asking what is wrong. He say’s I have that look like I want to say something but I’m not. I just say nothing he say’s don’t tell him nothing he knows something is. I don’t know what to tell him or how.



{May 19, 2020}   No Boyfriend to Married

Me and Little Bitty had a talk again last night. She been in a mood all evening and from what I gathered pretty much all day. As soon as we turned the light out to go to sleep she started crying. I asked what was wrong.

She said she just really wanted to see her dad and for him to see how big she was and how good she is doing. She said she wanted him to be proud of her a do things with her. Get to know him.

I told her that one day I hope he will come around and want to know her as well. I said what if we added a new family memeber to our family?

She said yeah but I just want my dad to do things with.

I told her that if I got a boyfriend then he would or could do dad things with her. That her dad would still be her dad but he would do the dad stuff her dad wasn’t here doing with her. She stop crying and thought about it scooted over closer to me.

She said he would?

I said I bet if we find the right one he would. She said but he would have to like me too not just you.

I said if I had a boyfriend he would have to like all of you not just me.

She said I bet he would have a dog and then our dog would have a friend too. But his dog can’t teach our dog bad habitats. They have to play and get along. I said so you can sleep in your room in your bed take the dogs to snuggle. She said no that is okay I like snuggling you better. He will have to snuggle us and watch Heart Land if he lives with us. You two can watch shows I can’t once I go to sleep.

She thought about it some more and said would he be my other Step dad? I said you don’t have a step dad. She said yes and said Father of the year. I told her he was the other kids dad but not her step dad. That if someone was going to be her step dad that would mean we had to get married. She said okay if you find a good one that likes us and you then I guess that would be okay. If you wanted to get a baby you could do that. I said first off no babies. She said well if you got married you have a baby. I said no I have all the babies that I want. I am not having no more babies. She said okay good I would rather you not. So if you get a boyfriend and you get married don’t be going to the hospital because you will end up with a baby. People go there and if there are two red they are pregnant and get a baby. But if there is just one red then they aren’t pregnant and don’t get a baby. I said two red what? She said I don’t know it is just how it works. You go see if you have one or two reds and find out of your are getting a baby.

She told me again how we could work together at the same job and put our money together to pay bills. That he could live with us if he has a nicer house we could live with him.

She stopped and looked worried for a minute. She said be would have to know there is a granny and she is sassy and not be scared off by her. I said i am sure he would understand their is a granny and I think it would take more than her to scare him off. She said I don’t know. I said don’t worry about it I will handle that. She said okay.

This girl is a trip. She said so much more but I was all but a sleep when this conversation took place. I can’t remember it all. But I find it interesting for now she has went from no boyfriend to married. You can read my post A talk with Little Bitty

I told JW this morning he was like we can skip the married part but I am okay with the rest. But you’re going to need a bigger bed. But that is how he is he would do anything and everything for my kids and with them. He loves kids.



{April 12, 2020}   Blew Up My Car

On the 5th of March on my way to my night job I blew up my car. I was able to get off the off ramp of the interstate and it died on me. I was blocking traffic and everyone was having a fit and honking. It was 5 something in the evening time everyone was getting off work. Do you know how many so called “guys” honked and yelled at me and never offered to help? Mostly the ones who were was guys. One lady in scrubs pulled over and helped me push it out of the road. Good thing it was my little car. I was mad and done at that point. I couldn’t find anyone to help me. I called bff she was working no to far away so she came and picked me up. But my car was still stuck there.

I had been talking back and fourth to J.W and he called his best friend to see if he could come get me and it off the side of the road. He was all worried about the transmission and messing it up. He said your not supposed to tow cars like that with a rope. I told him I was not worried about that it was probably shot any way and I just needed it off the side of the road. I told him to tell him I didn’t care if it messed it up and would not hold him responsiable or want him to fix it. I just wanted him to get it off the side of the road. He said he would do it but he was out on the boat fishing he wasn’t sure when he would be back. I figured he was saying it because he still didn’t want to do it but didn’t want to tell J.W no. I called my Good Friend and asked him about it and why we shouldn’t tow it like that. He said really you shouldn’t tow any car like that it has always been said not to. But that if you weren’t flying and took it easy it should be fine. I said oh well hell I have towed so many cars like that it isn’t even funny. I even towed my one truck that way it was 4 wheel drive. That I found out later you are not supposed to tow like that at all. I didn’t know that at the time.

I called Mr. Responsible I wanted to see if his friend with the truck would come tow it for me. His old roommate. He couldn’t because he was already having transmission problems and couldn’t even work because he couldn’t tow his trailer with it.

J.W called and messaged around and was trying to find someone else but couldn’t find anyone either. I went with Bff and headed back toward home with her. By the time we were getting close to my area J.W called and asked where I was at and said he found someone to come get it for me. I told him I was almost back home. I asked him if I should get dropped off at his job or his house then? He said go ahead to his house the guy was on his way to his job to get him they would stop and pick me up. That is what we did.

We got there he hooked it up with a chain and we got turned around and back on the road. I thought we were going to go down the other road or other main road that would not have much traffic. We got back out on 95. Well he had me chained really close to him. I felt like I was against the tailgate of his truck and then he had his flashers on and they were reflecting off my car and his tailgate blinding me. Something else was wrong. I started to tell J.W to call him and tell him to stop I couldn’t do this we needed to fix somethings. Oh the fact he used a chain not a strap or rope was really bothering me as well. I don’t like to use chains to tow things and as close as I was to the back of the truck being on a chain bothered me. And the fact that I was chained so close behind him I could not see around him to see what was going on or what was coming up. It was a huge mess.

J.W did not have his phone number and couldn’t call him to get him to stop, turn his flashers off or anything else. We were coming off the on ramp as he is telling me this and I have semi trucks and everything else flying around me and by me. I started to go into full blown panic attack. I could’t help it everything was so wrong and I couldn’t get him to stop. It was like being on a fair ride that you couldn’t get them to stop and let you off of. But you were responsible for stopping both of you but only when the time came and they were ready. But you can’t see what is going on to know when you need to start stopping everything.

Poor J.W, was trying to help and calm me down and telling me this and that. I yelled at him, I can’t, you don’t understand. He tried to say something else and I yelled at him to just stop and not say or do anything. He just looked at me like he didn’t know what to do or say and started to say sorry. I just said I can’t you have to stop. He just sat there. All this is happening with in seconds or minutes as I am being drug down the on ramp and snatched out onto the road.

Once we got out there everything was past us, I was able to calm myself down and come to terms with it all and figure out how to work with what was happening. I am shocked I was able to calm myself down enough so fast to be able to do what I needed to do. I was able then to talk to J.W the rest of the way and he helped me some once I figured out what I needed. My friend was at work I couldn’t take it to his shop. I didn’t want it at my house because I didn’t know what I was going to do with it or who was going to work on it or what. I didn’t want it done here. I have enough issues with the people complaining and starting about whatever they can around here. We took it to JW’s house and I got a ride home from there.

I dropped the kids at school and started walking over to his house to get some things and to either walk to work or go catch the bus and get to work. My Good Friend messaged asked where I was at. I told him walking and where. He said he would be there in a bit he was on his way to the car to look at it. A few minutes or less later JW’s friend pulls up and picked me up. I guess he was on his way to go somewhere before work and seen me. He took me over and dropped me off and my friend met me there. He said he was pretty sure it was to far gone to make it worth fixing. But they would come get it take it to the shop and figure it out from there. I told him just leave it there i didn’t know what I was going to do I wasn’t fixing it if it was that big of a problem. JW’s friend picked him up for work. He dropped us of there and went to do some other things and then came and took me to work. I think I called in to my night job that night.

I called around to scrap yard and junkyards and found a place that said they would come pick it up and give me $300 for it. That was twice what anywhere around me wanted to give me. Good Friends said his brother would maybe buy it from me but he only wanted to give me scrap price and said that he called the junk yard and they said $125 to $150. I told him I found the place for $300 he said if I could get that to jump on it and take it because that was really good right now and twice what others wanted to give. I told him I knew I had been calling and that they were supposed to come get it the next day at 12.

I don’t know if I got a ride or walked to J.W’s house but I got over there and they came and gave me the money and took it. I cleaned it all out before they got there so it was ready to go. My friend drove me to Melbourne to look at one Mr. Responsible friend had but then the friend wasn’t there when we got there. It was getting late I just went home. I got up the next day and rented a truck for the week so that I could get to and from work and not lose a job or hours. Then Saturday I took it and went to find something Saturday. I came home with one too. I got a good deal and a really nice truck.

It is the same as my other just different motor and it isn’t 4 wheel drive. But the guy who bought it new was Ford mechanic and the guy I bought it from had money to keep it up and make sure it had no problems. New tires less than 10,000 miles on them, new a/c newer front end a year or two old and other things. Anything known to be a problem or go out has been fixed. The heat even works on in it. I haven’t had heat in a car in 10 years probably. I am so much happier with it than my little car. I really need the extra room. The kids are so much happier too.

I can’t right now but I want to have it painted. I am thinking about this color green……

I want to fix it up nice. It is in great shape, no rust two tiny dents thats it really. Few little things inside i want changed thats it really. I want to fix it because it is in such good shape. I don’t want it to be something that in a few years from now is a mess because the little things were let go not taken care of. I want to finally take one and do it just how I want it done. Paint seats everything. My project. Do little things when i have extra to spend on me. It has rims the grill guard. I want to paint it, get my seat covers for it. Maybe a few other things here and there as i go.

All J.W friends are like oh wow, we knew she wanted an suv. We thought she was getting a little Mountaineer or something small like that. Not something big and tuff badass like that. He just laughs says no she wanted something big with room. She had one before her car wanted another one. They can not believe what I paid for it. They blown away I gave so little for it.

J.W teases me all time about wanting a big truck. Me and big trucks. Then I told him I found something and pulled up in it. He just laughed was talking about how nice it was and then looked worried. He said how much did you pay for it? I told him he was like what? Really? That’s all or a down payment? You’re not making payments are you? I said yes that is all no payments. The title is right there. Not that it really mattered if I was making payments. But he knows it would be a stretch for me and not give me any wiggle room with hours. And i would be stressed out until it was paid off. That if i had to make payments i would end up way over paying for it.

We did some repo’s i parked them at his house to make it easier for them to be picked up. I needed my truck moved so i could park the repo. I gave him the key asked him to move it. He backed up and turned pulled around the yard and parked. I parked the repo got out to go inside he got out. He said wow I really like driving that. I want a big truck now. I busted out laughing. He said what? I said you drove it a few feet through the yard and listen to you. Your hooked already. He just smiled said what i like it.

I told him he can take it in his trip at Christmas tine if he wants to. He wants to state hope and pick up his kids. All go see his mom. He laughs. I mean it. I had already told him before he could.

Okay for now that is one of the big changes since this stay home lockdown, might be locked down mess started. Stay turned more big adventurers to come soon.



{March 11, 2020}   H1N1 Or Swine Flu Has Struck

Friday Little Bitty got home from school and went straight to bed. They called said she as rolling around crying and upset saying her head, belly and throat hurt. I ended up taking off early and taking her to get checked. They said she did not test positive for the flu or strep just keep an eye on her. She spent all day Saturday in bed and all day Sunday. Sunday night, Monday morning she woke me up about every half hour to hour telling me to stop talking she was trying to sleep and didn’t feel good or other things that I could not even understand. Finally she woke me up about 7 something I felt her and she was hot. I took her temperature and it was 103. I gave her a drink and some Motrin and we finally went back to sleep and slept for about 4 hours straight. Her fever was back down and stayed around 100. By a bout 3 or so she was feeling really bad and asking to go back to the doctor. We got ready and I checked her temp again, it was still around 100 so I didn’t give her anything.

We get to the doctor about an hour away with evening traffic and things. We waited probably another hour to be seen they were so busy. We got back there they took her temp and it was 104. They were worried about it got her something to bring it back down again. They tested her again for the flu and it came back positive. There is really nothing they can do but give something for fever get her to drink and give her something to keep her from getting sick. Because I was having to give her something to keep her from puking about twice a day but only like in the evening and at night. By that point I had done gave it to her in the morning and then again in the early afternoon.

She is out of school until Monday and that is our Spring break so she is out for two weeks before she can go back. I feel so bad for her she is so miserable and just cries she don’t feel good and can’t breath because her nose is stopped up and she feels sick and going to puke. Yesterday she refused the medication to keep her from puking and said she thought it would be better if she just puked than taking something to keep it from happening. But she couldn’t even because she has hardly eaten anything since Thursday night. She finally took the medication so she wasn’t dry heaving all after noon and could rest.

The doctor said she wasn’t worried about if she was eating or not but she needs to make sure she drinks. She said she wants her to have three 16 oz bottles a day but she may not get that in. That rule of thumb with her being sick is she has to go to the bathroom once every 6 hours or she has to go straight to the er and get iv fluids to keep her from getting dehydrated.



The other night I was thinking about Father of The Year and how I felt when I seen him that day in court and how I felt when I foundout we were going back to court. Why I felt that way. It is that fight or flight feeling but I am not scared of him so why would I feel that way? I thought I had maybe processed it and figured it out before, but it did not feel right. It has bothered me all this time when I think about it. Why do I feel such a way when we are there at the courthouse but not out in public?

The other day thinking about it, it hit me. I am not affraid of him, I am not worried about what he is going to do. It is me that is the issue. I am so angry about all that he has done to the kids and how he is treating them, ignoring them, refusing to pay to make sure they have what they need or want. Then to think about what he did to me all those years. When I see him it just pisses me off. I get this anger or rage that just washes over me. That is how I felt in the court house this anger that then turned to fight or flight.

I felt that way because I want to confront him, I want to say something to him about how he is doing his kids, how it is effecting them, the things they say and feel. How this isn’t right. I deal with what he did to me and am working through it I could careless. But the way he is doing them is so very wrong and leaving them with things that will effect them from now on and leave things they will have to work through and deal with in their relationships. As if they were not hard enough as it is.

My thing is I can not confront him at the courthouse and tell him what a piece of shit he is. I can’t confront him and tell him the things his kids say because it will be a fight. I will be the one reprimanded for saying something. I can’t tell him how his child ask if he is going to heaven so at least he will see him there and how he said he had thought about hurting himself before. How this is his fault for walking away from him and acting as if they do not exist.

I can confront him in public because he will just run away or jump up and say lets go outside. There he will start and try to have me arrsted. Why he knows what he is doing and what he has done and walks around and has everything handed to him and just don’t show up for court like he is untouchable. That, that untouchable fuck you attitude is what really pisses me off and makes me want to knock the hell out of him. I know one of these days I just may do it. At the courthouse is not the place to do it.



I wanted to get this up and going the first week of the month but I have been a little distracted with life and all that comes with it. Some good, some bad but getting through and doing alright. That’s other post later on. But since I didn’t get to really start last week we will get the ball rolling now.

So what does attract you when it comes to love?

This was a hard one for me for a long time and I think I have just come to really figure it out and even out a little bit. I have never been one to really judge anyone where ever they were at in life if they were trying and progressing in some way. I would consider or give a lot of people chances. not because I’m desperate or can’t get anyone but just because I know what it is like to be in hard spots, fall on tough times and know how hard it is to claw your way out of them sometimes.

But at the same time I think that I was maybe a little to understanding, over looked a little to much and helped make excuses. I do believe that everyone can move from where they are and move up if they want it bad enough and look in the right places. But you quickly learn that most are where they are because they are happy there and it is what works for them. Even if it isn’t that great. They have no desire or drive to have more. In order to have more they would have to put in more of an effort and get up and do something. Like maybe get a better job where they are working more than a few hours a week, or somewhere they make more money or they may need to get a 2nd job for a while.

It isn’t easy to pull yourself out of a bed spot. But when I look at where I was, where I have been, how far I have come and the fact that I have basically done it on my own, I can’t feel sorry for anyone or make excuses for anyone really. Because if I can do it then there is no reason a grow man not taking care of anything but himself can’t. I know a lot of single dads who are doing it as well who have their kids full time as well.

That is what really made it hit me one day. I was at the store and two or three grown men come up asking me for money. I am just looking at them like they have lost their minds. Most have nothing wrong with them but they need their next fix, you can tell. It made me mad I work my ass off they are doing this want want money. Then I started looking at others and where they are and what they are doing and where they were and how far they have or haven’t come and it is like is anyone really trying? It changed my views thoughts and opinion on a lot of things.

Anyway back to topic at hand here. What attracts you?

I am looking for someone that first and for most they have to have goals, ambitions or whatever you call them. I am always changing and always growing and always striving to do better, be better, have better. I like to do new things, try new things, change things up. I don’t want the best of the best, or feel like I need to be better than anyone or have better than anyone. I am happy with who I am and what I have at this point in life because I know it isn’t all there is and that if and when I want something different I can make that happen.

It is more about not being happy just existing, not being happy with just getting by or just mundane doing the same thing over and over again. You have to have a purpose in life or it just has no meaning. If someone don’t have that it is a no go for me. I can’t drag someone around or pull them up when they have no desire for anything more than what they are doing. I also can’t be happy just joining them where they are and sitting.

I want someone who is on level with me or damn near close. I do care where you are what you are doing where you came from how far you have come and what you are doing to keep going and get better do better have better or what.

I want someone that understands my kids come first and have to because I am all they have.

I need someone who is going to ask questions and wants to understan where I am coming from why I do what I do. Someone who I can have conversations with and get somewhere not just small talk.

I want someone who loves me for me not what I can do for them give them or have.

I want someone that wants a family not just a fling or girlfriend.



{January 10, 2020}   Court Round 2 Finally

I have been looking at the clerk’s site and child support enforcement to see when my court date is since they posted last week that they were sending a date in the mail. They have not updated them. That isn’t normal because the clerks site is updated daily and a few times a day most the time. Anytime something is done someone is updating it.

I contacted child support yesterday evening before I left to go to my other job when I could finally get through. They said that my court date is Feb the 26th at 8:30 am. I am dreading going, I have been since I seen it said they had set one and sent the letter. I hate the way I felt when I seen father of the Year last year. I don’t want to feel that way again. Bff says she will go with me but she said that last time too and didn’t. I am thinking about asking my friend I have been hanging out with if he would go with me. He knows it is coming up and that I am dreading going. I told him how it was last time.

I also asked them to check on the case with R.C because that was done back in October and they have done nothing with it since then. They said they are not sure why something wasn’t done they are waiting on a court date. She said she is going to send a paper over to the lawyer or courts and have the look into it. So hopefully they will get that going and we will go with in the next month or so as well.

Father of the year is over $3900 behind I don’t know who will give him that much money to get him out of it this time. As much as it would be nice to have the money I kind of would like to see him do some time for it this time. Maybe he will see that if he don’t pay it this will really happen. The threat wasn’t enough to make him keep paying. He figures oh well I will just borrow the money or what once it gets to that point. But maybe if he had to do time because he couldn’t get it then he would think hay maybe I should just pay it before it gets so out of hand and I can’t get the money. Probably not but wishful thinking. If he is borrowing this from his boss and his boss is taking it back weekly out of his pay check then it is taking weeks, well months to pay back. What is the difference if he just pays it to me every week and it not get so far behind and his kids have what they need. Would be much easier than not paying it, having to go to court, scramble for the money and risk going to jail or going and having to spend who knows how much time there and now risk losing your job and house and everything you have had given to you. Because we all know he didn’t get it on his own or work to get it. His boss gave him everything and now hopes he works enough to at least pay him every week.

I am going to bring that up to the judge as well why we are in court. I’m going to say to her, can I say something?When she says yes I am going to say I want to ask him some questions. He says he is working he just isn’t paying weekly like he is supposed to. He says he don’t have it to pay and don’t have the $3900 to give today. I would like to know where he is going to get the money from? Assuming he is going to have to borrow it or try to borrow it he is going to then have that to pay back weekly. How does he pay it back weekly once he gets to this point but then says that when he isn’t paying on it he can’t afford to pay me? What is the difference if it comes out and goes to someone else to borrow what he pays me when he gets to this point vs him just paying me weekly and not getting to this point and having to not only now need to pay me but also have to pay that back weekly or monthly?

I am going to also ask if we can’t get this back in court like after him missing two weeks or a months of payments not a year just about. I am going to point out the fact that he is working he admits to working and just not paying it, but that he pays it once they pull him in there and make him so he has the means, can and will just won’t. I hope it all goes well.



{December 26, 2019}   2nd Best

I am so over the bitch and the shit she is saying and doing. she has decided to come out of her room and trying to take over the house now. Things are going to get really ugly and nasty really quick here soon. I am just biting my tongue and trying to decide what to do and how I am going to do it.

Last night I was standing there and Mr.9 came up and hugged me and was talking about his gift and Christmas and being so excited. He said he loved me and I was the best mommy ever. I was number one or something like that. He said a few things about how good of  mom I was how much he loved me and things. It was the best day ever I got them the things they really wanted.

The bitch happen to be out of her hole and sitting there. She says really Mr.9, knock it off now. He said some more and she said you need to stop now. No she isn’t if she was any kind of mom she would this or that. He said something about working hard for us and things. She said she needs some work alright. She far from the best or good and other stuff. Mr.9 had this look and didn’t know what to say. He said maybe 2nd best mommy then. She said that’s better but I wouldn’t say that either. He said something gave me a hug, I told him he didn’t do anything wrong I loved him. He walked away looking so confused and upset.

Who the hell says something like that to a kid. I don’t care if they are the worst of the worst of parents. You don’t say that kind of thing to a kid. As bad as Father of The Year is and R.C not being in the picture I don’t say things like that to my kids about them when they say things about their dads. Little Bitty says things about her dad and how he is and she loves him and wants to meet him and all that. I don’t say he is scum, he didn’t do this or don’t do that. I tell her I want her to meet him and want them to have a relationship. Hopefully that will turn out to be a good one. If not then she will make her mind up how she feels about him and what he is like and things. Just like the older three have from seeing what their dad has done.

I told oldest it is sad that you want someone out of your life so bad that you don’t care how it has to happen. that you don’t care what happens to them and would’t care if they dropped dead tomorrow. but that is how she has made me feel. it isn’t all from the last few years it is all my life the way she has been and done me.

My friend that I have been talking to said it sound like she is trying to turn your kids against you. I said I am sure, she can’t stand it. She hates that my kids are so close to me and that they care so much. She hated my relationship with me dad and has made comments about it so many many times. We have never been close and never will be. My sister has next to nothing to do with her and my brother don’t either. She just can’t stand it. She don’t like that me and my sister talk and tries to start shit between us when she finds out. I would hate to be so miserable in life that she is that I would have to do things like that and be that way.



{December 2, 2019}   R.I.P My Girl

 

This was probably one of the worst long holiday weekends we have had in a long time, maybe ever. Last Monday I had to take the dog to the emergency vet after my night job. I ended up leaving work at 11 that night to take her. She was having a lot of trouble getting up and moving around and fell and couldn’t get up. The kids got her in the house because she was outside. When I got there I tried to get her to get up and she wouldn’t or couldn’t. She would just move the front of her body around and try to drag or pull her back legs around. I put a blanket down to get her on to take her to the vet and she couldn’t get on it. She loves to ride but couldn’t even get up when I asked her if she wanted to go for a ride.

We finally got her on the blanket it and it took us a while to move her and get her into the car. We could hardly get her picked up. We could only get her a little piece and have to sit her down. When we got there they came out and got her on a stretcher. Once inside she got up and moved around for them some but still had problems and wasn’t to strong.

The vet came in and checked her out. He didn’t do x rays but really moved her legs around and checked her back and things really good. He seemed to think it was arthritis in her hips. We didn’t do x rays because she had problems a few years ago and they gave her meds and she was good in a few days and had not had problems since. They said in 3 to 4 days we should see an improvement.

By Friday she wasn’t doing better and the meds were not helping with pain for very long at all. She was needing it again well before time for her to have it again. I had pain meds they gave her before that she didn’t need all of so I called the drug store to see if she could take the two meds together and they said yes. I got home and told them to give her the pain med until I could call her vet and get her in the next morning.

I called them Saturday morning and they said they could get her in at 1. It took a bit to get her in the car again but she was more able to help us get her in there. We got there and she wouldn’t get out. I told oldest to go in and ask them to help us with her. While she was in there I finally got her to get out of the car. She wanted to walk all over but I got her to go in because I knew that she wasn’t going to walk around long or would fall down. I didn’t want her to get stuck outside. About the time we walked in they were coming from the back with a stretcher to get her in. They took us right into a room.

The tech came in and talked to us she said the vet would like xrays and blood work. We were fit in between appointments and late so it maybe a little bit before she could get in to see us but we could have this in the works and ready when she got in. I told them we would do the x ray but I wanted to talk to the doctor and wait for the blood work. By the time they got back to us the doctor came in with them. We talked and she took her to get the x rays. We really thought it was going to be her hips and she needed stronger medication.

They brought her back in and said her hips looked great, even for her age. Then they told us (oldest went with me) that it was her spine. They said it was getting narrow and it had arthritis in it and it was what was causing her to lose control and not be able to use her back legs. She said we could put her on stronger meds and pain meds and see how well we could manage it. But that it would not really improve her, she would most always need help getting up and getting around. They were talking about the stronger meds also would effect her organs and with her being older was more likely to happen and probably wouldn’t take long to. She also pointed out that the mass she has was kind of swollen and was at risk of busting open. She said she didn’t know if it was that way because she was just in heat and would go down or not. She said we would just have to watch it. She said that she would start to get pressure sores from not being able to move and things as well.

She didn’t just dump it all on us, she told me as I asked her questions and things. I just told her I was trying to figure out if the meds were going to help or just prolong things? That I didn’t want her to suffer but that I also didn’t want to rush to do anything if she had a chance of improving and doing alright if we just worked with her and gave her time.

She said that she felt at this time it would just be giving her quantity of life not quality. She told us we could take her home and come back later or another day to give us time and things. She said that honestly she felt it was time and that she felt she was ready. I told her I said I want to do what is best for her. I don’t want to take her home to just give us time and things when she is suffering. I just want to be sure we are doing the right thing. She said no she understood and answered all our questions and talked with us for a while. We decided it was best for her and that we needed go ahead and do it. We told the tech and she took her out and put the iv in. She said it would be a while before the vet could get to us she was in the other rooms seeing other animals. She asked if we would be ready when she was done or if we just wanted to leave her or let her know when we were ready. I told her we be okay let us know when the vet was ready.

My oldest decided she didn’t want to be there while they did it. I was fine with that. I have had to do this two other times and hate it but won’t just leave them alone while they do it and let them spend their last few minutes alone they been there so much for us.

In a little bit the tech and vet came back in. They had ice cream and cake or something on a plate for her. My oldest went out. She was on a big towel on the floor we were sitting on. They sat down on the floor with me and the dog. They gave her the plate of treats. She ate the cake up right away. Then she started on the ice cream. She ate a good amount of it. While she was eating it they gave her an injection to make her go to sleep as if they were going to do surgery on her. She went to sleep right away, they moved the plate over from her. She started to snore and was laying there so peacefully. Then the vet said she would give her the injection that would do it and it would be done with in just a minute or two. I told her okay. I sat there and pet her and held her head and they gave her the shot. In a minute she said it was done. I just cried we had cried the whole time we sat there petting her and talking to her. I looked at her and we all got up after a few minutes and I looked down at her. She looked like one of those huge stuffed animals that you see at the store. I just wanted to reach down grab her and cuddle her. I had to leave the room, I couldn’t sit there and see her like that.

We got home and I had to tell the kids she went to be with Sprite our dog that got hit a few years ago and passed. They are so upset. My Little Bitty said can we just get out of here and go do something? I don’t want to be in the house without her right now. The other kids all were upset as well.

My poor little Bitty cried and cried last night and all she has said since I told her is this is the worse time for this to happen. This is the worse day for this to happen. She needed to be here for Christmas, she was supposed to be here so she could see all the pretty Christmas stuff and lights and to get her gifts. Then she could go be with her and grandpa. I keep telling her that they are all together and happy watching over her. But she is still upset. It is understandable. I feel horrible for them.

We got her when my older two were 3 and 2. They picked her out when she was a few days old and brought her home at 8 weeks old, just a few days before Christmas. She been around pretty much all my kids lives. She loved them as much as they loved her. She has been apart of our family for 12 years. That is a long time and seems even longer for kids. I don’t know what breaks my heart more, wjat we had to do or for them to have to go through this again and with one they are so close to.

Little Bitty took her picture here and added to it as you can see.

Today Pops got to the shop late, it was after lunch. I told him I had to go over across the way to the vets a minute. It’s probably not even a quarter mile from our office now. When we move it will be even closer. But I ran over and picked up the paw print they made. I went in and told them what I was there for and everything. They went back and brought a little bag out. I didn’t even look in I went to leave. As I was walking across the parking lot back to the car I felt the bag and could tell there was more in it. About the that time it hit me. It was her collar and leash. Now I don’t know what to do with it. One thing the kids said was where is her collar? I told them I left it on her, left it with her. They said good we want it to stay with her. I was that way with my other dogs as well. I didn’t want their collars I felt they should be with them and one I had loved his collar he hated for you to take it off. He sit and wait for you to put it back on him.

So when I felt them in the bag today this oh no now what just came over me. My first thought was to throw them away but it just seems wrong to throw them away. I hate to take them home to the kids because I know it is going to upset them they wanted it to stay with her. Right now they are still in the bag with the print I have to figure out what to do with them before I go home tonight. If I had my truck I just toss them in one of the boxes or what and figure it out later but this car has no where to keep things. I wish I jad noticed inside I would of asked them to keep them. Just told them the kids wanted them to stay with her I didn’t want them to see them. I know I shhould just be the adult and get rid of them or what but I can’t and dont know what to do with them either. Getting rid of them feel like we just didn’t care or don’t care and that isn’t it at all. We just wanted them to stay with her and not to have them. There isn’t really anything we can do with them other than just have them laying around. I will probably just take them home and drop them in my trunk.



et cetera
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