{August 8, 2019}   Come Home Please

I have this pad I picked up from my night job I used to take notes and keep up with all I needed to learn. Now I use it in the evenings to take notes when drivers call in or someone tells me things to watch for take care of or what for the night. Just my catch all. When I am not at work it floats around in my car since I do not have a desk at work and use someone else.

Little Bitty will find something to write with and draw pictures in it when we are riding around. Of course she did this past weekend as well. I had just been using my top sheet and hadn’t needed to flip through it until last night. This is her picture and note she wrote me. It says……

Hi mommy I need to talk ok. I will miss you at work. Home please come 😭.

I was already in a depressed mood I almost cried. When I got home I told her I had found it we talked. Then we got in my bed snuggled up together and watched The Worst Witch until we were falling a sleep. Then we cuddled up and slept.

I hate working like this and was trying to figure out how to cut back some way. Then I went to the ssi office this morning to get a letter from them. They informed me they will be cutting my son’s check every month. They will take so much a mo th away biased on what ex is supposed to pay in child support. Even though he is not paying. Then I have to go in every three months and report that he isn’t making payments or that he did and it was less than he was supposed to. Then they will send me back pay for the 3 months. Its a mess they have never done this in the past I told them he wasn’t paying that was that. When he did I told them. Now they changed it all up. So now that is more I have to come up with every month to keep things paid. I use to make sure I had $100 the first to put with it to pay rent that way it was taken care of. Now I am going to need $200+ each month to go with it. Then they are going to cut it some because I am working two jobs and I don’t even know how much that is going to be. I think if I figured it right it is another $100+ they will cut it. So half my rent money just went out the window.

Now there is no way to cut hours I need to max them out get all I can. When school starts when will I ever see them during the week. Back to dropping them off in the morning and weekends. I feel like shit. Mom of the year passing me up again.

Look at my baby, isn’t she writhing and spelling good to just be starting 1st grade next week?

{May 7, 2019}   Not Feeling Well

Here I lay at 2:48 a.m wide awake and not feeling well at all. I have this nasty taste in my mouth and feel sick to my stomach. I think it is coming from a tooth that is pretty messed up. I hate not being able to sleep but not being able to when I’m not feeling well is the worse. I am for the most part a very leave me a lone let me sleep it of kind of person. I am probably one of the easiest sick people to take care of because I require nothing but to be left alone. If I am to the point of not functioning I just want to sleep. Rearly do I want anyone to do anything for me. Take care of the kids, house and things that need done forget I’m here I will be okay. Once in a really great while I may want to cuddle and that hardly ever happens if I am not feeling good.

I have so much to do I need to be awake not falling to sleep tomorrow. I put off work so now I have to do that before I can take care of my stuff. It is going to be a long day. I better get off here and try to get some sleep. I have lots of post to catch up on soon too.

{April 27, 2019}   A Week of Monday’s

I do not know where this week went, I went to bed Monday and woke up it was Friday is how I feel. All the days in between were all a Monday’s something had to happen everyday.

Monday was just a bust because after giving everyone Friday off I had to take 2 hours off. I had to go to an IEP meeting then deal with child support. Got to work an hour late left an hour early. Was late to my second job from there.

Tuesday I open the door at work and lights are on I was trying to figureout if someone was there still or they had left. All of a sudden I start tripping over something and kicking something around. I yelled shit! Before I even thought. All of a sudden the one owner came running in. He had his dog there the day before and had sat a bowel of water back out of the way for her. I left early so I didn’t pick it up. He forgot about it when they left they don’t use the door it was by. He forgot I do I think or just meant to pick it up. It was under my feet and I was kicking it around, it spilled all over. I couldn’t get it from under my feet. I finally got around it. He was like I’m so sorry I forgot it was there and left it. I’ll clean it up don’t worry about it. So he did that while I was opening and clocking in.

Wednesday I go in I am running late but still on time. I woke up at time I should of been leaving. I stopped at the store for my coffee and water and needed gas. I realised I left my bank card at home. The only money I have is the change in the truck. So I was between work and home and running late. I had to decide to go back or go to work. I grabbed my coffee and went to work. I didn’t want to be late. I asked them at work if I could take $50 until the next morning for gas and to grab something to eat on my way to work. It was our night we went out too and I needed money. I told him I walked out without my bank card I have it the next morning. He said it’s almost pay day don’t worry about it we can take it out of that. That is what we did.

I was going to do my hair, make up and put on a cute outfit too. But I woke up at 9:28 had to be at work at 10. There was no way I could not take a shower so that’s all that go done.


This is how I felt like I looked. Not being able to sleep at night is really starting to get to me. I don’t know what I am going to do. I think I need to get back on my meds.

Thursday Thursday I had to go to the bank, water department post office and to pay a bill. Everything is in our down town area but the bill I needed to pay. I went took care of everything but the bill because they weren’t open. I tried to call and pay it and it ddeclined my card 2x. I am looking at the money I have in the bank it shouldn’t. I take time between jobs to run out of my way to pay it and it declines again. The guy there I know said it’s your bank they will not let you make this kind of payment with your card. I have to go pay them today because I couldn’t run all over town and go back.

Friday I laid down after I drop kids at school and woke up with 20 minutes to be at work. I got dressed stopped at the store I go to in the morning. I had to get my coffee not getting it isn’t an option. I get it get a few other things and sit it on the counter. I pay the lady reach over to get my change and knock my coffee over. It spills everywhere, counter, floor and just missed meme as I jumped back. There was a line full of people it almost got some of them. The lady behind me said I was watching and I still can’t figure out how that happen. I don’t either. I got another coffee and finally made it to work 7 minutes late.

Just a week of Monday’s.



{September 1, 2018}   Re:My Sisters Message

So the other day after the rental place called my sister looking for deadbeat my friend from there stopped by my house. He came by to tell me about a sell they were having and everything. We talked awhile about the kids changes to the store and just everything.

I said so I hear you been looking for someone. He said what? I said I hear someone has been hiding or avoiding you. He said oh no I talked to him. I said oh good because my sister got a call earlier. We started talking about it. He said he was a few weeks month behind and he talk to him said he be in never showed. Then finally paid a little and back at being weeks behind. Said he told them he had buy her meds and didn’t have it. I said yeah they say she sick i dont see it she only given few years live she supposed been dead a year ago hear her tell it.

I said so he been late all along then, i figured it was just this month. He said well no he was doing pretty good at first. He said you know when he started being late? He said that day he came in to pay he was walking out as you pulled up. You to had words as you crossed in the parking lot. He said every since that day he has been late. He said I don’t know if he is scared he is going to run into you or what. I said well if he had already been having problems you will probably be getting it all back soon. He said why? I said if he was already having trouble paying it he sure will now because his boss in snatching a big chunk that is going to me now. He said oh really. I said sure is he has no say he pays me or loses his job, house, and truck. He said well good he should of been paying.

I need some stuff but he just told me that their store bought one of the other companies in the area everything will be done this month. Well they have a free standing building in the parking lot of the plaza. In the plaza is the store they bought. I figure they will be doing a big sell and closing that store. I am going to wait and see what I can get deals on there. I like some of the stuff there better than there at times. So maybe I can get stuff between the two. I have to wait until I start a job too.

{December 20, 2016}   Christmas Ornaments

I have made 14 large Gingerbread men and about 40 little ornaments. I still have one more day of little ones to make. We made the ones for the little kids school last week that was the 13 big ones. Tonight I went to make the big ones for the big kids and they didn’t want big ones they wanted little ones. I figured out how many shapes we had how many people we had and made 5 of each so that they all got 5. The big kids started painting them then my Big Boy started feeling sick and went to bed so my oldest finished painting them. I made some for the therapist and painted those to get them out of the way. We have her Wednesday and Thursday. I don’t know when I will have time to sit down and make them before then.

I am babysitting the little girl I use to watch when my Little Bitty was a baby Thursday and Friday. She will be here all day Thursday so I figured I would let all the kids make the ones for our tree. Let her make some for her mom and dad and her tree to take home. Then Friday I don’t know what we will do probably watch Christmas movies or shows if I can find any since I don’t have internet yet. If I had it back we could watch netflix but I don’t so we will have to see what is on tv.

I am so tired I wanted to go to bed early tonight but I didn’t get to. I it is 1238 am and I am waiting on this last batch of ornaments to bake. I just put them in and it takes about 17 to 20 minutes to be done. Most of them came out pretty good. Some are a little off but that is normal. Some of them they just got to wet with the paint then they puffed up when they baked. But over all they came out nice. They can always mix a small batch tomorrow and make a couple if they need to, but I am having no part in it. We started these hours ago but by the time you mix the dough get it kneaded and soft enough to use then roll it out and cut it over and over again. I wish I could roll it out in one big sheet and cut most of them out of it but I can’t get it to work that way. I end up rolling enough to get 2 to 3 and that’s it. I roll and cut the kids paint then I bake. They could probably roll and cut but it makes it a little faster doing it that way.

We have craft sticks tomorrow I think we will make some things out of them. I need to look up and see what kinds of stuff we could make with them that we won’t have to paint to much of. I am not sure how much paint we have left but I think it is running low and we need to make our others Thursday. Unless I find some with the craft sticks to make that I really like. There are a few but I want to make a bunch of different ones so not sure.

I am so tired right now I don’t know if I could stay awake much longer. I wanted to bake them tomorrow but we made some and did that and they turned out funny. Only a few more minutes and I can go to bed. Tomorrow I want to try and hodgepodge a few of them to see if it makes them look better or last longer. I have a couple of my own I made to try it with. I also want to try and put a picture on it and see how it turns out. I would like to make some and put pictures on them for family for Christmas since I don’t have money for anything else. I hope it works out.

{December 6, 2016}   Good Morning

It’s 8:30 and my two little ones should already be at school but they are not. One is somewhere in the house doing who knows what and the other is sitting in the floor throwing a fit because she wants to wear her black sparkly shoes. I don’t care if she wears rainbow colored sparkly shoes but she can not wear her black shoes because cause she decided to wear them in the bathtub last night and they are still wet. So now she is rolling around in the floor crying. Shoes are a battle I do not pick to fight or worry about as long as they fit, match, and they have socks on. But I can’t let her wear soaked shoes to school.

Now I am sure her hair is going to need to be brushed again she is rolling around and now she has one shoe off. I guess she will be going to school with her shoes in her hand because she is wearing what she is told to wear. When she gets there and they tell her she has to put them on she is going to have to listen or sit and watch all her friends play and do fun stuff.

Now the boys decide to eat and put all their lunch stuff in their lunch boxes. I don’t know why they didn’t put in their boxes when they laid it all out 30 minutes ago. I have to go to the SSI office and wanted to be there by 9 it looks like I am not going to be there until 930 at this rate. At least I get in and out most days.

I should be up after them to get ready but I am not in the mood to fight with them. They are lucky my Little Bitty don’t get counted late since it is more like daycare and my kinder isn’t late until like 9. His teacher lets them have free play and takes care of things she needs to do so she don’t count them late if they miss free play.

Now my oldest is asking for help putting her earrings in. Why I don’t know because she never wears them. I mean never ever in her life does she wear them. If she wears a pair once every two years is a lot for her. That is why she needs help putting them on her holes kind of close up.

Now the little has ripped her shoes and socks off and putting her wet shoes on. I guess I better go make this child listen. It is to early for this I didn’t sleep good and I got beat up all night from my little one sleeping in my back and tossing turning and kicking me all night.

{June 24, 2016}   Shipping Delays

As you know from my Furniture Store post I ordered the girls a new bed. My Little Bitty was already very upset when we took her bed down and didn’t have her new one. I ordered the new one and told her it would be here but it was going to be kind of a long time. When your 3 a week and a half is forever. She has been talking daily about her bed since the mattress for it has come and then after I told her it as going to take along time for the bed part it showed up Tuesday or Wednesday. She was so excited it showed up. Then I start looking it is only part of the bed, the first one came in one big box. This one comes in three boxes and the other two wouldn’t be here until today. It’s after 4 and they still haven’t come. I looked about 3 and it said one was on the truck to come today and the other just left Texas at 4:??am it won’t be here until tomorrow now.

I chatted with someone online and ask them why it said it would be here today and one box came days ago and now they are saying that one will not be here until tomorrow? Why would you ship one bed in three boxes from 3 different places so they all show up at different times instead of making it so they all show up together? It’s inconvenience to have boxes of bed parts laying around all over for a week before you have it all and can put it together. Thank God I have the extra room out there or they would be in the middle of my living room. Not only that now I have someone to put them together tonight because they are supposed to be here by today and I have promised they were going up today, to my little one who has waited forever.

The lady said oh yeah you got one early then there is this one that is coming tomorrow the 24th and then one today they will be there on time. I said to her like three times now they are supposed to be here today the 24th not tomorrow the 24 tomorrow is not the 24th. Then she was like oh well sorry they ship them from all over and they will be brought by different trucks because they are coming from different centers even if they come the same day. I said when they all hit my town if they all come in the same day they all go on the same truck they don’t have three different trucks that come to my house. Each driver has their routes and their area. Just like the mail. She finally said I am going to refund you 10 and some change because it shouldn’t be done like this. Then before it was done she said they are refunding me $13 and change. I just want them to look into why it is done this way and why they have said it shipped over a week ago and then today they are saying no it just shipped today.

The last bed I ordered came in 4 or 5 days from Arizona. The first box of this bed came in right around 4 or 5 days then the other two boxes are taking a week and half. Why not send it all from where ever the first of the 3 boxes came from so it will come in just a few days. Plus I would think that shipping it all together from the same location would cost less in shipping than sending it from three different places.

My Little Bitty ran up and said oh I get my bed today so excited, she heard me say something to one of the kids about it. I had to tell her no it all wouldn’t be here until tomorrow or the next day now it is running late. She looked so disappointing. She has been waiting for me to be able to order it for a few months now and now to have to wait on all this.

{June 17, 2015}   Determined Not to Move

When father of the year left I had my money worked out and had enough to pay my bills for a few month. I have since worked out to make sure they were taken care of until August. Well father of the year hasn’t given my anything since he moved out. Let me explain he did he gave me $200 once and then I “borrowed” around $100 once. Well then he needed money and I lent him some. He was supposed to get his vacation pay and give it back to me. Then he tells me he couldn’t get it. He paid a little on my light bill that is it. He is down to have given me less than $200 in all the time he has been gone.

I had money coming from school I was going to use to pay my rent. Well they explained it to me wrong and I didn’t get the money. I had to pay my rent late and the office is all over me now. I got a call from the owner of the office the other week he was really nasty. I had to pay late once before and it was no problem. They worked with me. Most the year that we have been here my rent has been paid up 3 or 4 months ahead. I figured I explain to them I didn’t have it but when I would have it and that when I paid it I planed to pay July and August rent as well. He didn’t care then tried to tell me I didn’t have a lease. I signed a lease the first of April or May when mine was up. I didn’t want them to just come in and tell me they were doing this or that and I needed to move or that they wanted to raise my rent. They lost their copy of it. Then he started trying to tell me that it wasn’t any good because they didn’t check my employment. Not they don’t’ check that when you sign a new one and they can’t not give me a new one because of my living situation. He wanted to know why I was late and if i lost my job. I told him no was honest with him told him i had never had one. That I was looking for one that father of the year had left and was not paying and that I had money coming but it didn’t come when it was supposed to and I was trying to figure out why. That’s when he got nasty and basicaly said we had to move. I said you know i been here a year this place sat empty for a year or more before for i moved in it. I have had my rent paid in advance most the time i lived here this one time I am having a problem and you can’t give me a little bit of time and work with me? He said we don’t care if your rent has been paid up the whole time you been here your late we are giving you 3 days notice to get out. If not we will file with the court Monday. Then wanting to know how I planed to pay it at the end of the month and keep it on time from here. I told him I had money coming and that I was looking for a job and that I had money I got every month. That this month I had this happen I didn’t know that I was trying to make it right. He said oh well you will be getting notice Tuesday or Wednesday. I was so mad I wanted to hang up on him long before when he started drilling me about why I was late my job and all that but I didn’t. I didn’t want to make matters worse. I finally just said ok I guess we will see what happens when he said he was posting the note and it had to be paid by Friday and he hung up.

I called the office and talked to the lady I normally deal with and talk to her. I just told her that I would have it Monday but I didn’t see a point in paying it if they were going to give me a three day notice to get out. It was Tuesday then. She said well if you bring it by Monday even with the notice you will be ok because it would be Thursday Friday and Monday. I said but if they send me a notice then I am going to have a fee for that on top of the late fee I already have and the fee you all are charging to do a new lease. I am going to be paying out my rent money for other months in fees. So if I am going to be in the same spot in a few weeks I may as well move. She said don’t worry I am going to try and take care of it just get the money and get it in here. I never got a notice. I think she is the one who is supposed to send it to the lawyer to be written up and posted. She probably just didn’t send it and didn’t say anything. She told me before if she didn’t do the stuff around there it didn’t get done. Just like my roof the owner of the company never called told me he did she had to a week later.

I am asking father of the year what am I supposed to do, where am I supposed to get money? I’m sitting here so sick from it all and the stress I can’t stand it. I was physically sick for days. He just acts like it is no big deal and says I don’t know like always. Then it was well we can sell the van. The one may dad left me. Right now it needs some stuff I wouldn’t get much if I sold it. I could scrap it and get hardly nothing because the price of metal is down. Even if I scrapped it I wouldn’t have enough to do anything or pay anything I needed to. I have maybe $250 when I needed $1100.

The kids were supposed to go to camp Sunday and they needed stuff. He said they just can’t go to camp. I said no that isn’t right the kids aren’t going to not go to camp because you fucked up again. I said it isn’t their fault you screwed up at work and got demoted to a lower paying hard to make money at position. I said we sit here why you pay for cars you hit, tool boxes you tore up and tickets you racked up at work and do with out. I said we don’t even mean enough that we can have a house to live in and bills paid. We can just be homeless.

No no that isn’t how it is at all. I have to keep my job and I give you money when I have it or I can. I have to pay bills too and rent. I said well rather you have it or not our bills still need paid as well. I had my part of things for months here and should still have money to have paid the rent even if that school money didn’t come. But I have been picking up your slack for what you are not paying since you moved out and now I don’t have it. If I hadn’t been paying everything and doing it all and he had been helping even with half of what he is supposed to give me when my money didn’t come I should have been able to go down pay my rent and not had to worry about it one bit. But I couldn’t because I have less than $250. Then he says to me I am so tried of everyone looking at me, talking about me and acting like I am a deadbeat dad that don’t help take care of my kids. I said then stop being one because right now that is what you are. You don’t pay your part to help support them, you can’t even buy them food when they come to your house, I am paying everything here for them and buying the food they eat why they are at your house and now because you lied yet again I lent you money to help you so your not homeless and now we are going to be because again you didn’t do what you said you were going to do and again you act like it is no big deal and poor you and what everyone thinks of you. When it comes down to it and we are down to being out any day and your asked for help what do you say? Well you could sell the van, you could sell this and that. Sell my stuff give them my money again not I could sell this or I could try to get money for that. Just sell my stuff where is this of mine where did this money go. Screamed at me because I took less than $100 and took my kids on the trip to the light house and things that one day. We packed lunch and snacks hardly spent any money other than gas money. I had $1000’s at the time and had a little extra to do something nice for them and it still wouldn’t have put me short had he been doing his part. Told everyone I blew my money and didn’t pay bills and not getting thrown out and mad at him for not giving me more money when he is already giving me money. He stupid my best friends husband works with him and knows how it is. Why he sits and tells everyone all this. I guess he thinks we don’t talk just me and her talk but he knows because his wife was with me when I took every last dime i had and paid bills with it.

I ended up taking my truck and pawning it until I get money next week to pay my bills. I can’t believe I had to do something like that. I have never had to go so far as selling or pawning my vehicle when I really don’t have anything else to drive. I have the van but the door i have to get the kids in and out of sticks closed most the time it isn’t safe, there are no back widows to get air and the air is broke they get sick riding around in it, something is wrong with the oil sending unit or something not really sure it has no pressure when you step on the break. I have to now drive it almost 100 miles two hours a way to pick my kids up at camp.

I called around last week and there was hardly anywhere that even took trucks or cars and the only one close to me said they were full. The closes one I could find to even take it was 40 miles away. Between that and wanting to make sure the kids got to camp I waited until Monday to pawn it. I am glad I did I went over to the shop around the corner from me and the lady said she didn’t think they had room she went and talk to some guy there he came over and talk to me. He wanted to know what I had and how much I wanted and everything. He said the same thing he didn’t think he had room for something that big. I said look I only need to leave it here until Thursday/Friday at the latest and if everything comes through like it is supposed to I will be back here Tuesday to get it. If you could just fit it in somewhere. I said I don’t care if you leave it sitting out front out of the fence, I don’t have but one key for it your going to have it. He looked at it and everything and said he would take it. So I borrowed $1100 on it to pay the rent and the bills that were going to needed paid if my money didn’t come before next Friday. The guy was really nice I told him what was going on why I needed it, he wanted to give me more I told him no I just need this much for this reason I don’t want to borrow more because I am coming to get it back and if i borrow more I will short myself in the long run. He lowered the interest rate so I wouldn’t have to pay back as much. I was going to have to pay back right at $300 but now I have to pay back little less than $200.

I feel a lot better but still worried about going to pick up the kids at camp Sunday. We took the van in October but it didn’t have as many problems. I guess we shall see.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: