Ever Just Want To Do Something Stupid

I am in a mood today I am just irritated about everything. And starting to stress as well. I just open a water bill that had to be paid by yesterday or it is going off. I have no clue how I am going to pay it. I have rent and everything else coming up in the next week. I can’t work my other job so that is about around $200 gone. I haven’t been able to work the shop so that is all that money I haven’t gotten in a couple months now. On top of my hours being cut at my other job.

The stress of all that and my mother being here is really starting to kick into high. I am wanting to do something stupid. I can’t do what I want because of my truck being broken but even with it the way it is I have still really been thinking about it anyway. I just want to load the kids and things in the truck and leave. Load them up tell Starfish I’m going if he wants to go lets go and just leave not tell anyone anything. No idea where we would go or how we would do anything when we got there but who cares at this point. I just need the fuck out of here away from everything and everyone.

Other than that I don’t know what else to do to take care of everything that needs taken care of. Other than rob a bank or something. I don’t know where that came from it was just a thought I had this morning while I was thinking about all this shit and what to do for money.

I feel like I am never going to get caught up muchless get ahead and be okay. I feel like we are never going to get out of this black hole that is quickly swallowing us. I feel like I have failed my kids. I have let them down and can’t take care of them. I have failed over all miserably. I don’t even want to be here anymore. What is the point? Everyone would be better off if I wasn’t.

I feel if I could just leave here forget everything and just start over from scratch things would be better. I could keep up, I could get somewhere it is cheaper rent and I could find a job and do okay for us. I don’t need a ton just don’t want to live like this.

Failed My Daughter

As I sat here tonight messing with one of those mindless apps that my oldest showed me and my mind started to wonder. I have a lot of things from the past on my mind the last few days.

I started thinking about her and somethings that have happen the last few months and days. But first let me say when I decided to get a divorce there were a lot of reasons why, but one of my biggest reasons was all the abuse and different forms of abuse my children were witnessing just about daily.

I did not want my boys growing up thinking this was how you treated your girlfriend, wife or any other women in their life. I also did not want my daughter (only had one at the time) to grow up thinking this is how her boyfriend, husband, or any other guy was supposed to treat her.

Tonight I realized that when I left it was to late I had already failed my daughter and her view of how a guy should treat her was already formed.

Last year she came home and with a lot of prompting finally told me that this new boy in her class twisted her arm behind her back and wouldn’t let go. She was telling him he was hurting her and to let go and he wouldn’t stop. He was not playing he was pissed off because she wasn’t doing what he wanted or wouldn’t give him what he wanted while they were playing ball.

I ask her what she did and she said nothing he finally let her go and she went on and played something else. I ask if she told anyone or what teaches or other kids said? She said teachers didn’t say anything she didn’t know if they seen it and the other kids just told him he needed to let her go and that was about it. I ask her what she did to defend herself and she said nothing. She didn’t want to get in trouble. I ask her if she told the teachers or did anything about it when he finally let her go and she said no. When asked why she made excuses mostly for him and how she didn’t want to get him in anymore trouble since he was already in a ton and it was only his first day and he let her go it wasn’t that bad. But she was almost in tears at the time and was upset when she was telling me about it. I was so mad I hit the roof. I told her I didn’t care where she was or who it was or what she thought may or may not happen that if a boy ever put his hands on her again she had better stand up for herself and fight back anyway she could. Once she got away she had better find whoever was there to handle things and make them aware of it as well. That she was not to let anyone put their hands on her and for sure not a boy/guy/man.

Fast forward to last week when she started talking to a friend online. He is a sweet kid and looks at her as a best friend. He was asking if they could do things this Summer. He told her that if they were out somewhere together he would keep her safe. He told her if they were in public she needed to go back to the car or to get something he would go with her to make sure nothing happen to her. He had talk to me and told me the same thing. He told me he thought of her as a best friend and just wanted to make sure she was safe and that nothing happen to her look out for her because that is what best friends do. I thought it was sweet and impressed to hear such a thing.

Well when he said this to her she came and showed me and felt that it was odd or creepy. She didn’t know what to say to it or how to take it. I could tell it really bothered her she came right to tell me and show me what was said. I told her he was just being nice and cared that she was safe because she was a friend and there was nothing odd or creepy about it. And went on.

Tonight for some reason both of these things came back to me and all of a sudden it struck me as funny how when the guy was being abusive she thought nothing of it tried to protect him and make excuses for him and didn’t want to say anything or for me to say anything about it the next day. But when a guy is being decent and wants to treat her good and make sure others do and nothing happens to her, her first thought is that it isn’t right and something is wrong. It hit me that as young as she was and getting her out of it didn’t stop it from effecting her and forming her thought of normal. And now I am left to undo all that she seen and learned. To make her understand that yest this is how things were but this is not how it was supposed to be and this is why I got out. To make her see that yes what he is saying is great and what she should be looking for in friendships and relationships. And make her believe it and pray that she does it and what has been done can be undone and she don’t end up in a relationship like I did and that if she does that she is strong enough to get out and to ask for help if she needs it and knows from the be-gaining that it is not her and there is nothing wrong with her.

When I said I don’t want my boys to think this is how to treat their girlfriends, friends, wives and other women in their lives and I don’t want my daughter to think this is how guy friends, boyfriends, or a husband is supposed to treat her. Everyone laughed and said it was an excuse, it wasn’t that bad and I could say because they wouldn’t think that or learn that. No one looks at things that way that is just me and my way of making it okay to leave. I didn’t have to make it okay in my mind for me to leave because I knew that I should of never been treated that way from the start. I didn’t have to make it okay for anyone else because it is mine and my kids lives and were the ones living in the abuse not anyone else. I said it because it was true and everyone talks about breaking the cycle of abuse we have this cycle because so many do not think about the kids and how it effects them or what they are picking up, learning and seeing. They think they are to little to be effaced or that they would never do that because they seen how it hurt their mom or they see how it hurt them. No they learn that this is how we handle things, even if they didn’t like it, it is just normal in their mind and the way things are done. Few will change and not follow in the same path but the sad fact is many will. I grew up in a home with abuse I hated it and did everything I could to stay away from it and I still ended up in the situation. Guess what my ex grew up in a home with his mother was abused and he was by his father.

So if you are in an abusive relationship if you don’t get out for yourself get out for your kids. Because rather you want to believe or not they are being effected and most likely will go on to abuse or be abused later in life. And if this isn’t true then why is abuse so prevalent? Why do we need battered women’s shelters and women’s centers? These guys are learning it from somewhere and these girls are learning its okay from somewhere.

I know it is long but I felt it is something that needs to be said and maybe seeing it from someone that has been there done that and seeing the effects will convince someone to get out. There is help out there. If you need it ask, you can in box me and ask, I can give you numbers and names of places to call and help as much as I can even if it is just for support.

Bartering and Trading

I was talking to my friend last night when I was at his house and another friend a few weeks ago when I took them somewhere about getting things done or getting things that are needed. I use to have friends or friends of friends that I could call to do just about anything I needed done or to get anything I needed. If not then I could find someone in my family that could help me. It didn’t cost a million dollars like it would if I had to pay someone.

I had a friends, friend that would work on my computers anytime something happen. All I had to do is make dinner or buy him a pack of Cigarettes for payment. If I needed my car worked on I could ask my grandpa or my dad and they would help me. If one of them couldn’t then I could find a friend that would do it. If I didn’t make food or buy Cigarettes then I would babysit or run an errand for them or something like that. We always made good some way.

Everyone has moved on or passed on and I don’t have people to do things anymore. I have to find some place or someone and pay a ton of money so then a lot gets left undone because I just don’t have it. I miss having this circle of friends to do these things for or with.

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