Single___Parent___Life











{April 10, 2020}   A Talk with Little Bitty

As most of you know Little Bitty is dead set against me having a husband or boyfriend. No way no how for any reason dose she want me to have one or even think about having one. Over the last few weeks I have brought it up and we have talked about it a little here and there, but not much. She just always says she don’t want to talk about it or just because. Last night it came up she started with I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to waste my breath on this, can we just talk about it later. I said you always want to talk about it later and never will we are talking about it now. She finally opened up and we had a very heartbreaking, eye opening conversation.

She said I can’t have a boyfriend because he will steal me away. She said that oldest is 16 and going to be moving out any time and the other two are going to be moving out and it will just be me and her. If I get a boyfriend he will steal me away and she will have no body because I am all she has besides the other kids who are going to be moving out. At this point she was in tears. So very upset and worried. I tried to explain to her it would be at least 2 years and probably longer before anyone started moving out and that Mr. 9 and her still had a a long time before they would be. That no matter what no one could steal me away and take me from her.

I told her that whoever I ended up with would have to like her and the rest of the kids. They would want to do things with us all together. I told her that we would find someone that understood that they came first and they would have to be okay with that or we wouldn’t be able to be together.

Then she told me she did not want another dad or step dad she was happy with the one she has even though she don’t know him. She started telling me that me and her dad are still together I never broke up with him we just didn’t live together. That some day he may come back to meet her and want to move back in with us and be together.

I had to stop myself from crying with her. I explained to her that we were broken up that is why he hasn’t been here all this time and we have not talked to him. That he broke up with me and moved away. I told her that he had a new girlfriend. She was surprised and didn’t know what to say. Then she thought that was her step mom. I told her no he was not married and that was not her step mom. I asked her if her dad could have a girlfriend then why couldn’t I have a boyfriend. She said because I had her and the other kids.

Then she thought about her dad having other kids. She said something about if he had other kids before and doing things with them. But she never put two and two together about them being her brothers and sisters if he did have kids. Last night it hit her and she said if he has other kids then that would mean they are my brothers and sisters. I said yes honey he has other kids. She said when she gets grown up she wants to move by him so she can get to know them and him and come back to see me since she is living with me now.

She never asked how many other kids or where they lived. She just assumed they lived with him. I didn’t tell her any different. I figure it is best for her to ask when she is ready to know than me giving her more information than she maybe ready for. With all that we were already dealing with I didn’t want to overwhelm her with more. She was still upset and crying.

She told me she didn’t want me to get anymore babies at all. I told her I wouldn’t that I didn’t want more babies and that whoever I ended up with would have to understand that and not want any more either. She said but if you get a boyfriend then you get babies. I said no I will keep that from happening. Then she told me no I said yes I can I will. She kept insisting how was I going to do that because that is what happens when you get boyfriends or husbands. I told her not to worry about it I just would.

She told me a lot of other things and we talked about it all and i told her how it would work or what to expect. She said he can not live with us and he has to know that I get to sleep with you too. I laughed and told her he wasn’t going to be living with us and that even if he wanted to or I wanted him to we would have to talk about it as a family and decide that it was okay for him to live with us. That it would be a while before that would happen. That we would all have to do things together and get to know him and everyone like each other and things. It wasn’t something that would just happen just like the kids aren’t moving out anytime soon.

She felt a lot better and calmed down a lot then. We talked some more. She said well he needs to have a job and his own place. He needs to be able to pay his bills and things. If his job don’t give him lot of hour then maybe you can get him a job with you and he can have two and work lots of hours like you since that is what you do. Two jobs would be okay but three would be to many probably. Then she said you two should put your money together and pay the bills and then you would have money left to do other stuff.

I said if he don’t live here then we won’t put our money together and he won’t pay our bills. I will pay our bills buy the things we need and he will pay his bills and buy the things that he needs. She said well if you put your money together and pay all the bills then you both will have more left. She said he may not have lights at his house if he is here for to long. I said what do you mean. She said if he ha to leave and go back to his house he may not have lights because he may not pay his bills there why he is here. She also told me I don’t want to snuggle with hairy arms so I have to sleep on one side of you he has to sleep on the other and know that I get to sleep with you all the time. But probably only until I am 16. Then I will probably sleep by myself. If not then when I turn 18 and move out.

She said he has to like Heartland the show we watch at night in bed. That way he can watch it with us. I don’t know what all but when we were done talking she said it would be okay if you get a boyfriend if he is a good one nice to us and you. Then she said if he is here and he is mean and won’t leave we will call the police so they can make him leave.

About and hour or two later she walked by and I was on my pone. She said what are you doing on line dating? I said no why would you say that? She said I don’t know but good because that is just weird. She said oh and I forgot to tell you, if he hurts you I’m going to hurt him. He may think I’m cute but I’m really revengeful, (as she punched her hand). And I get my way (have her ways). If he bleeds then he just bleeds I can’t help it he shouldn’t of been mean to you. My oh my this child. I don’t know if I should laugh or be scared myself.

I am blown away by all that she had to say and all that she has been thinking about. I don’t know other 7 years old’s who would think of a lot of what she said about the job and sharing bills and helping each other out and him helping us around the house and things. I feel bad that these are the things she thinks about and worries about. She is to young and shouldn’t have to think about things like that and be worried about them. Or scared that someone is going to take me away from her and that I am all she has. If these guys could see what they do to these kids when they are not in the picture and how it affects them would they even car? Would it make them change their ways?

I told J.W about our conversation and he said he could do that stuff or does that stuff or something. I told him I know. I told him he was ahead of the game because he is already Her’s and Mommy’s friend with the really cool dog.

Like I told him I think that him and my kids will get along great. If I didn’t I probably wouldn’t have considered even getting together. I didn’t get with others and that was one of the reasons, I didn’t feel they would get along with my kids good. Or a lot of them act as if they are an after thought, or bother that I have them. they don’t like that they come first. I am sure it isn’t going to be sunshine and roses right off the bat between him and all of them. I am sure that some are going to be guarded and others are going to be indifferent or not interested in him and Little Bitty will take some time getting use to him being around. But I know that if everyone truly gives everyone a chance. They give him one and he gives them one they will all end up liking each other and getting a long for the most part once it is all said and done. But like Little Bitty they have been through a lot and he is going to have to build that trust and bond between them and be careful not to break it. They are going to have to learn to let go and let people in and that not everyone is going to hurt them and that there are decent guys out there even if their dads did them this way some one wants to be there for them and with them.

I also found it interesting that Little Bitty keeps saying he can’t live with us but then at the same time says things as if he is living with us and how things are going to be or should be and happen. I think deep down she wants someone to be a father figure and she really wants that to be her dad. But also open to the idea now that she knows she will still have her dad no matter what. She has just been through so much she is scared. She didn’t like it when Sleeping Beauty was here and how he was. I think also it help for her to know that me having a boyfriend isn’t just all about me, that it involves them as well and that if there are big decisions to be made they will be made as a family not just someone pushed on them or forced on them. That everyone has to like him and him like everyone and want to spend time with all of us not just me.

I think once this lock down crap ends then I will decide when it is a good time to sit down an talk to them tell them we are together and let them meet.



I am in a mood today I am just irritated about everything. And starting to stress as well. I just open a water bill that had to be paid by yesterday or it is going off. I have no clue how I am going to pay it. I have rent and everything else coming up in the next week. I can’t work my other job so that is about around $200 gone. I haven’t been able to work the shop so that is all that money I haven’t gotten in a couple months now. On top of my hours being cut at my other job.

The stress of all that and my mother being here is really starting to kick into high. I am wanting to do something stupid. I can’t do what I want because of my truck being broken but even with it the way it is I have still really been thinking about it anyway. I just want to load the kids and things in the truck and leave. Load them up tell Starfish I’m going if he wants to go lets go and just leave not tell anyone anything. No idea where we would go or how we would do anything when we got there but who cares at this point. I just need the fuck out of here away from everything and everyone.

Other than that I don’t know what else to do to take care of everything that needs taken care of. Other than rob a bank or something. I don’t know where that came from it was just a thought I had this morning while I was thinking about all this shit and what to do for money.

I feel like I am never going to get caught up muchless get ahead and be okay. I feel like we are never going to get out of this black hole that is quickly swallowing us. I feel like I have failed my kids. I have let them down and can’t take care of them. I have failed over all miserably. I don’t even want to be here anymore. What is the point? Everyone would be better off if I wasn’t.

I feel if I could just leave here forget everything and just start over from scratch things would be better. I could keep up, I could get somewhere it is cheaper rent and I could find a job and do okay for us. I don’t need a ton just don’t want to live like this.



{January 9, 2018}   Failed My Daughter

As I sat here tonight messing with one of those mindless apps that my oldest showed me and my mind started to wonder. I have a lot of things from the past on my mind the last few days.

I started thinking about her and somethings that have happen the last few months and days. But first let me say when I decided to get a divorce there were a lot of reasons why, but one of my biggest reasons was all the abuse and different forms of abuse my children were witnessing just about daily.

I did not want my boys growing up thinking this was how you treated your girlfriend, wife or any other women in their life. I also did not want my daughter (only had one at the time) to grow up thinking this is how her boyfriend, husband, or any other guy was supposed to treat her.

Tonight I realized that when I left it was to late I had already failed my daughter and her view of how a guy should treat her was already formed.

Last year she came home and with a lot of prompting finally told me that this new boy in her class twisted her arm behind her back and wouldn’t let go. She was telling him he was hurting her and to let go and he wouldn’t stop. He was not playing he was pissed off because she wasn’t doing what he wanted or wouldn’t give him what he wanted while they were playing ball.

I ask her what she did and she said nothing he finally let her go and she went on and played something else. I ask if she told anyone or what teaches or other kids said? She said teachers didn’t say anything she didn’t know if they seen it and the other kids just told him he needed to let her go and that was about it. I ask her what she did to defend herself and she said nothing. She didn’t want to get in trouble. I ask her if she told the teachers or did anything about it when he finally let her go and she said no. When asked why she made excuses mostly for him and how she didn’t want to get him in anymore trouble since he was already in a ton and it was only his first day and he let her go it wasn’t that bad. But she was almost in tears at the time and was upset when she was telling me about it. I was so mad I hit the roof. I told her I didn’t care where she was or who it was or what she thought may or may not happen that if a boy ever put his hands on her again she had better stand up for herself and fight back anyway she could. Once she got away she had better find whoever was there to handle things and make them aware of it as well. That she was not to let anyone put their hands on her and for sure not a boy/guy/man.

Fast forward to last week when she started talking to a friend online. He is a sweet kid and looks at her as a best friend. He was asking if they could do things this Summer. He told her that if they were out somewhere together he would keep her safe. He told her if they were in public she needed to go back to the car or to get something he would go with her to make sure nothing happen to her. He had talk to me and told me the same thing. He told me he thought of her as a best friend and just wanted to make sure she was safe and that nothing happen to her look out for her because that is what best friends do. I thought it was sweet and impressed to hear such a thing.

Well when he said this to her she came and showed me and felt that it was odd or creepy. She didn’t know what to say to it or how to take it. I could tell it really bothered her she came right to tell me and show me what was said. I told her he was just being nice and cared that she was safe because she was a friend and there was nothing odd or creepy about it. And went on.

Tonight for some reason both of these things came back to me and all of a sudden it struck me as funny how when the guy was being abusive she thought nothing of it tried to protect him and make excuses for him and didn’t want to say anything or for me to say anything about it the next day. But when a guy is being decent and wants to treat her good and make sure others do and nothing happens to her, her first thought is that it isn’t right and something is wrong. It hit me that as young as she was and getting her out of it didn’t stop it from effecting her and forming her thought of normal. And now I am left to undo all that she seen and learned. To make her understand that yest this is how things were but this is not how it was supposed to be and this is why I got out. To make her see that yes what he is saying is great and what she should be looking for in friendships and relationships. And make her believe it and pray that she does it and what has been done can be undone and she don’t end up in a relationship like I did and that if she does that she is strong enough to get out and to ask for help if she needs it and knows from the be-gaining that it is not her and there is nothing wrong with her.

When I said I don’t want my boys to think this is how to treat their girlfriends, friends, wives and other women in their lives and I don’t want my daughter to think this is how guy friends, boyfriends, or a husband is supposed to treat her. Everyone laughed and said it was an excuse, it wasn’t that bad and I could say because they wouldn’t think that or learn that. No one looks at things that way that is just me and my way of making it okay to leave. I didn’t have to make it okay in my mind for me to leave because I knew that I should of never been treated that way from the start. I didn’t have to make it okay for anyone else because it is mine and my kids lives and were the ones living in the abuse not anyone else. I said it because it was true and everyone talks about breaking the cycle of abuse we have this cycle because so many do not think about the kids and how it effects them or what they are picking up, learning and seeing. They think they are to little to be effaced or that they would never do that because they seen how it hurt their mom or they see how it hurt them. No they learn that this is how we handle things, even if they didn’t like it, it is just normal in their mind and the way things are done. Few will change and not follow in the same path but the sad fact is many will. I grew up in a home with abuse I hated it and did everything I could to stay away from it and I still ended up in the situation. Guess what my ex grew up in a home with his mother was abused and he was by his father.

So if you are in an abusive relationship if you don’t get out for yourself get out for your kids. Because rather you want to believe or not they are being effected and most likely will go on to abuse or be abused later in life. And if this isn’t true then why is abuse so prevalent? Why do we need battered women’s shelters and women’s centers? These guys are learning it from somewhere and these girls are learning its okay from somewhere.

I know it is long but I felt it is something that needs to be said and maybe seeing it from someone that has been there done that and seeing the effects will convince someone to get out. There is help out there. If you need it ask, you can in box me and ask, I can give you numbers and names of places to call and help as much as I can even if it is just for support.



{November 28, 2016}   Bartering and Trading

I was talking to my friend last night when I was at his house and another friend a few weeks ago when I took them somewhere about getting things done or getting things that are needed. I use to have friends or friends of friends that I could call to do just about anything I needed done or to get anything I needed. If not then I could find someone in my family that could help me. It didn’t cost a million dollars like it would if I had to pay someone.

I had a friends, friend that would work on my computers anytime something happen. All I had to do is make dinner or buy him a pack of Cigarettes for payment. If I needed my car worked on I could ask my grandpa or my dad and they would help me. If one of them couldn’t then I could find a friend that would do it. If I didn’t make food or buy Cigarettes then I would babysit or run an errand for them or something like that. We always made good some way.

Everyone has moved on or passed on and I don’t have people to do things anymore. I have to find some place or someone and pay a ton of money so then a lot gets left undone because I just don’t have it. I miss having this circle of friends to do these things for or with.



et cetera
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