Almost 40

So the fact that I am going to be 40 in a little over a year punched me in the face the other day. I still can’t Figure out what the hell I have done so far the last 38. All I can think is this is it? This is really it? Wth? Life is over. Okay okay not over but this part or a big part of it. I look at so much that hasn’t been done and so much still to be done. I look at my kids and two almost grown, one half way and one just getting started. That makes things a little of as well. I been in this weird frame of mind since it really hit the other day.

Who would of thought one simple little picture could set off such a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings. I was looking at someone’s picture I don’t even know on line and thinking how they looked older. Then I looked and they are around my age. It got me to thinking about how we feel vs. how we look and how we don’t see ourselves the way others see us at times. How it don’t feel as much time has went by that really has. One day you wake up and it hits you. By then is it to late to live the life you wanted or live the life we want? Is it to late to make the changes? Are we to old? I feel like to much time has passed for a lot of things I just need to figure out what life I’m going to live at this point and forget the past. But there are still things I want that maybe aren’t so to far fetched just yet maybe. Maybe they are maybe I need to change them some. Then there is a part of me that says I want it or just forget it change everything.

Fresh, But Not To Fresh

While we were waiting to see what we were going to do for the hurricane, if we needed to stay or go and where Mr. 8 spent a lot of time in his room. He was playing with toys and just laying around on his bed. Like me just hanging out bored and waiting.

He came into my room laid on the bed with me and was talking to me. He told me he had decided he wanted to adopt 5 kids. He wanted to adopt three boys and two girls.

He was asking me how much it cost to adopt and things like that. I looked it up on the phone and told him it was free or very cheap if you did it through foster care. He was asking about that, what it was and things. I told him he had to be 21 to adopt that way.

He said well I will get a dog and buy a house at 18 and hang out until I am 21 and can adopt my kids. He said I have thought about it, I want them to be around 5/6 but not 7/8 years old. He want on to say he wants them fresh but not to fresh.

I said what? Fresh but not, to fresh?

He said yeah I want them to be potty trained and be able to do things for their selves like eat and do fun things. But I don’t want them to be 7/8 because that is to fresh.

I asked him why 5 not 4 or 6 kids? Why 3 boys and two girls? why not more girls, less boys?

He explained that 5 kids would be enough chose how much did I think he could handle? He thought he could handle 5 but not more. He said he is a boy and knows about boys more than girls so that was why he wanted 3 boys and only two girls.

He is such a sweet, caring and thoughtful little guy. I hope he stays that way. I hope he grows up and does get to adopt and have his 5 kids. Maybe by then he will decide that he wants a wife or girlfriend. For the last few years and even now he has said he don’t want a girlfriend or wife he will just have a dog they are less trouble. Oh and he don’t have to kiss them and a girlfriend or wife will want him to kiss them and that is just weird.

My oldest mr. , Mr. 13 wants to have an orphanage when he is older and all the kids are going to get a pet and he is going to take pictures of them and show people to find them a home.

Hurricane Dorian Go Away We Are Over You Already

It is 10:40 a.m and I just want to scream fuck the storm lets get on with life as normal. Whatever happens happens. It was supposed to of been here and gone by now we should be well on our way in cleaning up and heading back to work. We are still waiting on it. It is still 195 miles below where we are and they have no idea where it is going to go. They keep saying hug or skirt the coast but they do not know how close. Last night they were saying 30 to 40 miles off the coast I was okay with that. Today the eye is all but touching us. Then they say we do not know how far off it will be and by the way we don’t know if or where it may come on shore at it is likely.

Some of the charts bring it in down south straight up the middle just about. Others show it coming in right below us or right above us. Still on us we would still be in some of the worse of it. Most are showing it with the eye running up and around the coast just on land or just off but to close.

We will have a lot of damage if it follows these paths. Tons of homes and business lost, flooding like we haven’t seen and who knows if we will have power for how long we will be out. I don’t think our old bridges to the island and then to the beaches will survive. Then what do we do?

Most hit and run I guess you could say. You feel it for some hours and it’s gone. This one could crawl over us for 2 days they are saying. That is bad really bad and makes the damage worse. Places that may have withstood a fast blow over may not be able to withstand this thing sitting on it beating and beating on it and all the extra water and pressure from it.

Everything is closing with no idea of when they will open again. Others are trying to hold out and get as many trucks as they can in so people can get things they need. Because once they close no one knows when or what will be able to open or how long it will take to get trucks into us so they have things we need.

People think you get a little rain, wind some damage you go back to normal when it is over. It really is not like that. Like now everyone’s lives have come to a stop or their day to day has drastically changed dealing with this. Now all we can do is sit and wait days for it to hit and then wait days for it to pass so we spend days more with no power sometimes no water and just wonder when life will go back to normal. People do not know how stressful going through something like this really is.

I am in a weird place right now. I am in that place where I know I need to do things and get ready but I can’t force myself up and get them done. I know this is bad but at the same time the not knowing not having any idea and being in limbo makes it harder to want to do anything. Honestly I just want to sleep. Everything is bothering me with the kids wanting to do things and bored. I just want to be left a lone. I feel horrible for it. I am very irritated when I am awake.

I just want life back to normal or at least this thing to hit us so we can start working toward normal again.

I think another update should of just come or be coming. I guess I should go check it and see what they are saying. I need to finish getting my carport cleaned off because I only half done it last night. We are getting a little bit of wind and rain off and on now. Nothing major but it is going to get worse through out the day and tomorrow they say.

Grew Up A Long Time Ago

Bff took sleeping Beauty’s stuff to him. They were talking about his friend and her girlfriend how they are. He told her they need to grow up.

I said hum funny seems he needs to take his own advice. He needs to grow up as well get a place decent job and shit.

She said oh no he says he thinks he is grown up. He says he is. She said he grew up a long time a go and young to young or something like that.

I said you know yeah that’s true and a lot of the reason he is the way he is now. I said because he did. I know how that is because I had to. It messes with you and by this point in life your done, your tired, you don’t want to do it no more you want away from it all and to just not deal with life anymore. I said and then for him to have his problem he has all this time on top of it. I can’t imagain doing it.

Not making excuses for him. Just saying I understand that statement. Where he is coming from there, how it feels.

She had told me his first wife got him on the drugs. I guess she was on them or got on them and got him to try it. I know he didn’t really want to marry her to start with and they were young and how things were growing up. So I could see him trying it.

It makes since to me because that has been a question I have had for a awhile and probably said on here. Why that? What made him just decide I think I will try coke today? What was going on why not anything else? When she said that about his wife and things it all made a little more since.

Because she talked to his mom the other day like I said and she was upset and saying she knows he needs help and how sorry she was for what he did. She was saying he wasn’t raised like that and things.

It isn’t an excuse he decided to do it but it answers questions makes since and can kind of understand his thinking and all. He really does need to get out of here away from it and in order to get clean. I think he really wants to but he is so into it and it is right here and he still needs to admit he needs help to get clean and that he has other issues going on that he needs to deal with come to terms with and if that don’t work get medication for.

He has done some really shitty things and has pissed me off and I don’t want to be around him. But I don’t want to see anything happen to him either. I don’t want to see him keep living like this and going through this. I hope he decides to step up and ask for help. Then stick to it. He is 46 years old he can’t keep doing this.

TMI Alert

It’s that time of the month two days early and two days in on top of everything else. As if I wasn’t already feeling bad enough the hormones and everything that comes with it don’t help. I want to cry and run away, have a melt down all at the same time. I feel like I just want to take a hot shower and just stay in it forever.

I dread being at home right now, the kids are mad at me. Oldest over school, Little Bitty over not being there. Now school started today and I will get to see them even less than I was and how much is less than when I see them next to never as it is.

Lately I find myself trying to figure out what to do about work more and more everyday. I love both of my jobs and have to have both of them to get by. There is nothing else around that pays close to what I am making at the 2nd job. I can’t get a job that is as flexible as the two are.

I was thinking this morning if I could find another job working a few hours a day making what I do at my other job maybe I could do a normal 8 to 10 hour day between the two and make what I am now. If I could get on full time at my 2nd job and get them to pay me what I am looking or need to make a week to do full time down there.

I think the main thing is all the shit at home I am dealing with. The bitch is still there and worse than ever. I don’t know what to do anymore. She just needs to go things are just getting worse and worse and I don’t know what to do. The kids are not happy no one is happy.

Just feel stuck in this horrible situation. I don’t even know how I feel anymore or what to feel. Other than hating life wanting to not be here.

Schitt’s Creek

I found this show on Netflix and started watching it Friday. I am 7 shows in and still not sure what I think about it. It is like driving by a train wreck and not slowing down to look, you just can’t do it. I find it kind of funny they are freaked out about living there and I am thinking if only I could just pack my shit and move there. I would willingly move there. If only I had their “problems”.

It’s about this rich family who have all their assets froze all but this crappy town they had bought and forgot about. They move there and are staying in a motel until they figure things out.

 

A Complete Failure

I’m sitting here at my desk at work fighting not to cry and trying to figure out what to do. I don’t know what to do or where to start. Nothing is right, nothing I do is right, or turns out like it is supposed to. If I don’t work or not getting enough hours not making enough money I am wrong, if I am working and making enough I am wrong because I am working to many hours. The kids are all unhappy. Oldest had a fit on me this morning sending messages because he isn’t happy. I truly don’t know if I have felt any worse ever in my life. I am in that spot that there is that one huge problem that I can’t get rid of that is making everyone miserable and unhappy. Oldest freaking out about it this morning. I agree with her 100% but I don’t know what to do or how to handle it. She is having a fit everyone is unhappy and miserable.

Now I have done the stupidest thing ever and gave all our money away. I have missed three days of work with the holiday and going to see about this truck and taking care of other things that needed taken care of. I can’t sell my truck didn’t’ think I would get much out of it but can’t get anything out of it. Spent money because I was measurable and the kids were upset did something just to get them out of the house. I haven’t been out of the house other than work or with he kids in a month or more probably. I have hardly talked to BFF. She I don’t know what is going on with her. She so far up others asses she has hardly said anything to me. Calls or messages when there isn’t anyone else around. She wanted me to go out last night I said okay and headed that way when I got off work. Then she tells me she is bringing kids and Sleeping Beauty. I thought it was just her or her and her aunt. I told her I wasn’t coming if she was bringing all them. I wasn’t bringing my kids I wasn’t going to hangout with someone others and that it was adults night. She just said she didn’t’ know she just had two of them and whatever. I said well I’m not coming, maybe you will find time to hangout again. She said she just wanted to talk or something like that and about counseling had started and the way things were. I told her yeah I knew and when she had time we could talk. I was going home if she was dragging everyone with her. That is what I did, went home.

The kids have talked to her and wanted to get with her and the kids and things. She has some excuse. I have told her lets get them together or do this or that and tried to get her to go to breakfast with me the other day. She said she couldn’t and she was supposed to go with her mom and that she was supposed to be getting with so and so and the kids and doing something. I said okay. I’m not going to be sitting here waiting or just fall back into things like I did after she let Wendy come between us. We didn’t talk for years then. I tried then and she did the same thing just make excuses because she listen to others. I will not do it again this time. When she comes back around for whatever reason I’m going to tell her we tried this twice before it didn’t work just forget it. I was going to say something to her last night when we went out. She messaged me yesterday out of the blue I hadn’t talk her her in a while and said she understood why I felt the way I did about Father of the Year and what I meant about him just living life and things. Then wanted to go out last night. But you can’t talk with the kids there and I don’t care of the one she was bringing with her I love her kids but the one is a brat and she does nothing about it. i wasn’t in the mood for her last night and like i told her i needed an adult night i wasn’t leaving mine at home to hangout out with others if i was going to hangout with kids i bring mine.

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