In Need Of a Time Out

I am in need of an adult time out for a week or two. I want to crawl out of my own skin. The two little ones have really been at eachother for days now. The dog will not listen no matter how much we try to show her and train her. She is in stuff 24/7. Then putting up with the bitch on top of it all. I am about ready to snap. Little bitty has been at her worst lately. Nothing I say or do matters try to be nice don’t work, punishment don’t work. It has been a struggle not to just bust her butt like she has never had before. I do not put up with the shit she been doing. I know a lot is going on but it don’t matter at this point she pushing to far and knows good and well what she is doing.

I am so over dealing with the bitch she is a huge reason things are the way they are everyone is in the mood they are in.

Feeling extremely lonely, unloved, uncared about, like a failure, depressed. Tired of being alone and doing this alone. Been thinking about Christmas coming up. Seen the gingerbread house kits in the store, started putting the tree up tonight all got me to thinking about this time last year. How things were then Sleeping Beauty coming to stay helping with things. They did the house’s and he helped with the tree and outside stuff. Everyone relaxed and had a nice time. When the kids got like they are he would step in and help. Or if I wanted to just get out he go for a ride or walk with me. We sit watch tv joke around or talk all hours of the night.

Its just makes me wish I could find someone like that to be more than friends with. Someone to have a future with. Someone to loves me and the kids and wants to do things to help and be with us.

It makes me wonder what is wrong with me? Why am I never good enough? Why don’t anyone want to be with me? Love me?

I try to figure out why I found someone who is everything and then some, but can’t be with him. Why he is so scared? Why he don’t see what we could have how we could grow together and be happy and better off? Or does he because he seems to in all the comments and talking he has done the last year. Hasn’t he seen I truly mean what I say and that I’m not like the rest? Why is he so scared to even sit down and talk?

If he isn’t it or it isn’t meant to be then why can’t I find someone or the one? It isn’t like I have stopped looking, talking or trying to meet people and just waiting on him. I am not going to wait for anyone or stop talking to others just because I am considering something with someone else. Once I find someone I want to have more with and they feel the same then I will. Until then I do what I want to do.

I just hate feeling this way. Lonely is one of the worst feelings ever.

Not as Lonely

I noticed the other night and today, I haven’t been feeling as lonely as I had for a while. It has been kind of nice. I still think about how it would be nice to have someone or still want someone at times. But it isn’t like It had been. I haven’t been talking to anyone hardly for a few weeks or more now either. But one is still on my mind I find myself thinking about him and things through out the day.

I am not sure where they are or what they are up to that I haven’t heard from them. My “friend” I think maybe seeing someone. Something I seen made me think that awhile back. Sleeping Beauty I haven’t heard from in a bit, he was having trouble with his phone and things. I am guessing he fixed it by now. I sent a few messages no reply. Old friend I stop going to see so think he got the idea he stop messaging me. Today I see he is in the hospital. I had to go down that way was going to go see him but I didn’t so can’t.

Maybe one day things will workout someone will come along or I will get to talk to one and see how things go. For now I will just be happy with not feeling as lonely.

Strong Women

STRONG

When they see you as a strong woman, they think that you do not need anything or anyone, you can bear everything and will overcome whatever happens. That you do not mind being listened to, cared for or pampered.

When they see you as a strong woman, they just look for you to help them carry their crosses. They talk to you and they think you do not need to be heard.

A strong woman is not asked if she is tired, suffering or falling, if she has anxiety or fear. The important thing is that she is always there: a lighthouse in the fog or a rock in the middle of the sea.

The strong woman is not forgiven anything. If she loses control, she becomes weak. If she loses her temper, she becomes hysterical.

When the strong woman disappears a minute, it is immediately noticeable, but when she is there, her presence is usual.

But the strength that is needed every day, to be that kind of woman, does not matter to anyone.

Honor, recognize, respect and thank the strong women in your life, because they also need to be restrained, loved and feel that they can rest.

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

1. Proverbs 31:25
“She is clothed with strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.”
2. Psalm 46:5
“God is within her, she will not fall.”
3. Luke 1:45
“Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.”
4. Proverbs 31:17
“She is energetic and strong, a hard worker.”
5. Psalm 28:7
“The Lord is my strength and my shield.”
6. Proverbs 11:16
“A gracious woman gains respect, but ruthless men gain only wealth.”
7. Joshua 1:9
“Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
8. Proverbs 31:30
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.”
9. 1 Corinthians 15:10
“By the grace of God, I am what I am.”
10. Proverbs 31:26
“When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.”
11. Psalm 139:14
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
12. 1 Peter 3:3-4
“Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”
13. Colossians 2:10
“And in Christ you have been brought to fullness.”
14. 2 Timothy 1:7
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”
15. Jeremiah 29:11
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'”
16. Exodus 14:14
“The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”
17. Song of Songs 4:7
“You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.”
Next time you’re feeling discouraged or weak, come back to these verses and use them to give you the strength and power that you need to conquer your battles.

 

Just Feeling Very Alone

I am feeling very alone the last few days and as if no one understands. I just want to go see my friend after work tonight. But I don’t know if he is going to be up for it. He not been saying much lately. Not sure what is going on with him. I think I am just going to message him after work ask him if I can come over. Maybe he is talking to someone or maybe he is just busy. Guess I will findout tonight if I go over or ask.

I keep thinking maybe I just need to close that door. That I was going to ask the other if he wants to go out for his bday tomorrow but then go see this one tonight. Maybe I should just close both those doors. But I don’t know. I haven’t heard from him since he said he was going home to bed Friday. I messaged yesterday he never responded. I am thinking he not in the best mood with it being his birthday tomorrow. He was already saying the other week he was going to be 45 and had nothing when he was so upset the other week. Me not being in the best mood haven’t said anything. Oh well. I may message him later just ask if he wants to go do something. See if he answers.

I thought about telling him i was getting off early tonight see if he wanted to do something. But I don’t know.

Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to see what people were thinking? I know some how what they were thinking without them knowing?

Talked A Little

About 3 today I messaged Sleeping Beauty and ask how he was doing today? I didn’t get a reply back and I got busy so I didn’t say anything else for a while. About 8 things seemed as if they were slowing down I could breath a little. I sent him another message not really expecting a reply but just say hey I am thinking about you your not alone. I said….

Hey whats going on? Are you okay? You know if you need something and I can help I will and that I am here if you need to talk. Worried about you.

Almost right away I had a response. It just said I can’t talk about it.

Before I could say anything I was hit with a bunch of people walking in and a bunch in rooms calling for help. I sat my phone to the side to help them. While I was my phone kept going off.

I sat back down it was messages from him. He said he use to have friends that saidbthey were there no matter what but when he needs them the most they aren’t there he is alone.

Another one said he had people in his life that said til death do us part but I’m not dead.

Then talking about boss saying he would help him then fired him when he asked.

I lie to people about my sex life so no one talks shit but its been a year and 5 months since ive had sex so my life sucks.

And the most important person in my life past away 4 yrs ago and it still hurts like hell.

I didn’t know what to say about all of it I didn’t get to say a lot because I got so busy. But we talked a little.

I said the ones who say til death do us part are the ones who cause the most damage and walk away crying victim.

He said yeah they took his kids and kept them from him.

I said that is not right that is why no matter what I have never kept mine away from their dads. Even with all the abuse the one put me through. That is their relationship not mine.

You know i am here help how I can. Im limited right now not having a ride but if i can do something i will.

He said its okay, that he was going to go to bed. Said he cried all day yesterday.

You know sex isn’t everything. Its none of anyones business. At least your not out sleeping with everything that comes along. Or paying for it taking a chance on catching who knows what.

He said he knew. I said everyone acts like i sleep with anyone everyone I don’t I been with x people ever and no one of them shouldn’t of happen but it did. It is what it is.

I told him goodnight that I would be here to talk if he needed to or couldn’t sleep. That he knew I be up a while didn’t sleep until late. He not said anything after i know. Hopefully he is resting and is able to get some sleep he has work in the morning.

I felt bad I couldn’t talk got busy. Then had to clean. I asked him to call me why I cleaned I can’t text and do what I had to do. But could of talked. He said he couldn’t. He probably at home not wanting everyone to know what he is saying whats going on. I told him i be back when i was done took about 40 minutes. Then he said a little was going to bed. I knew he would be why i wanted him to call. But i know why he didn’t.

I am going to try to stop by and see him tomorrow if I can get out for a few minutes and he is close by working.

Making A Man

I seen this the other day and it has kind of helped with wanting to tell Sleeping Beauty how I feel. Not saying he isn’t a “man” already but he is a struggling man. Nothing is wrong with that at all, we all struggle at times. God ya’ll know I do, I don’t hide it or act as if I don’t. One thing I keep telling myself when I start wanting to tell him or talk to him about it is he is working on himself. He said he isn’t looking for anything or anyone and that he needs to work on him. I hope that is what he is really doing. I do not want to be the distraction from that. When I seen this it kind of hit me that maybe he isn’t doing this alone this time, maybe God has found his way back in and he is going to do it this time.

But of course I start feeling down, alone and craving that closeness and then I want to say something. I probable shouldn’t of said what I did the other day to him but I was tired and upset. Like now I want to tell him with all that is going on. I just want him to know someone cares, someone wants to help you, be there for you, be there with you and wants to be with you and help you, build with you. But I am also scared of being rejected. I don’t want to hear what he has to say because I am scared what he is going to say.

Just Want Someone to Love

Oh goodness, Mr. To Broken has been messaging me the last few nights and called me today. He telling me how he can’t find anyone amd how he is lonely and wants someone to love. I told him I know how that is but that it takes time to find that. He gets all mad and upset.

He was telling me today something about me amd him and if I just give him a chance and things. I was in the store and told him I would call him back when I got out. I did he isn’t answering now. Telling me how I am everything he is looking for and he is sorry for whatever he did to make me not like him. I told him really didn’t just over all we are in two different places wanting and looking for two different things. I am going to have to really spell it out for him and risk maybe hurting him and him getting mad but I can’t help it. It is not anything I have not said to him already.

He is not divorced yet, he has not gotten over his divorce yet, he has not given him self time to really process it and put himself back together from it. He has not found his way or new normal for himself or him and his kids. He just feels that if he finds someone that will take care of everything. It won’t.

He keeps saying he just wants someone to love. I told him Its part of a bigger picture. You can’t just meet someone and have love. You have to build a friendship and things that will turn into more. It takes time a lot of time. He is all you think I’m not capable of that? I told him yes I thought he was but that he needed to work on himself first.

Later we were talking he told me again for about the 5,000,000,000 time since we started talking back in December that he isn’t good enough. I told him You have to have confidence. If you have the attitude your not good enough you never will be. He didn’t say anything.

He called again last night telling me all why he loves me and how I am what he is looking for. How many times and ways do I have to say no before he gets it? I like him as a friend that is it. He really does have things he needs to work on and as long as he keeps doing things the way he is everyone is going to stop talking to him.

I want to love someone and be loved too and have someone tmwho is there for me and I can be there for too. But I don’t want it bad enough to just get with anyone to have it. I am ok being alone until the right person comes along. He says I am willing to give you all that I don’t see what the problem is. He don’t get there is more to it than that. I don’t know how or if anyone could ever make him understand. Maybe one day he will figure it out for himself.

Wow, Powerful

For the woman whose husband makes an “extra stop” after work every evening.
For the woman who is mourning the loss of a pregnancy that nobody else knew about.
For the woman who was fired for her fourth tardy because she has been awake for a straight week with a sick child.
For the single mom who doesn’t know how the utilities are going to stay on this month.
For the woman who has gone through 2 IVF’s and has tried for five years without success but still shows up to every baby shower for her friends.
For the woman who still hasn’t forgiven herself for the abortion that she had 20 years ago.
For the woman who has a line of judging eyes at her and her children as she slides her ebt card at the grocery store.
For the woman that opens the door to the news of her husband being killed overseas three weeks before he was to return home.
For the woman that lives a with a quiet anxiety because nobody understands what you could possibly stressed about.
For the woman that gives to her family all day- everyday and just.needs.a.break.
For the woman that smiles at strangers all day in public- but weeps silently every night.
For the woman that heard the rumor about herself at church today.
For the woman sleeping next to a stranger every night.
For the woman whose genetics will never allow her to look like the ones in the magazines.
For the woman that endures one broken relationship after another because there was no father around to teach her what love looks like.
For the woman raising a fatherless daughter and praying that history doesn’t repeat itself.
For every single woman that cries in the shower so that nobody else can see. Because if you aren’t strong-nobody is.
Just because the water washes your tears doesn’t mean that you don’t cry.
I am you. I see you. I am with you, I cry with you.

Being Alone

 

I seen this and read it and it was like all of a sudden a light bulb went on in my head. All I could think was yes, this explains it all this is that feeling I cold not explain. It’s not being a lone that gets to you, it’s the feeling like you are working your ass off and care so much and trying to make it all happen and keep everything up but at the end of the day when its all said and done…. Who care about you? No one.

Trying To Stay Focused

I don’t know what it is but I have been feeling so lonely again lately. I keep thinking it be nice to maybe meet someone just to talk to hang out with or what. At the same time I just want to stay focused on school and getting done, so that we can move. I don’t want to meet someone here and it turn into something and then not be able to move or leave them to move, because that is probably what it would come down to me calling it off to move. After the A Night I Won’t Forget I want my kids out of here more than ever. Everyone who knows says move you got to move. But that is much easier said than done. The people across the street are paying $75 more than I am and was talking about how you can’t find anything in a decent area or even close to decent area for less than $1500. He said his sister I think it was got a house smaller than ours and in an area that isn’t very good at all for $1100. Then I was talking to my aunt and she was talking about moving out of state and how it was so much cheaper and nicer than here. I could have my house for like $500 to $600 a month in a nice area.

I also don’t want to get with someone and mess things up with school or end up putting my plans and school on the back burner. I did that when I met Father of The Year and I did that when me and RC got together. I have wasted to much time working on relationships that are one sided and not going anywhere but to and end. Putting everything on hold for the better of everyone else or until we get in a situation that allows for me to do what I want to do. I am not doing it again. I am going to be selfish this time and do what is best for me and my kids and whoever I may end up with if I end up with someone will have to come along for the ride. They can deal with me going to school and the things that I am doing and work things around it. Whatever happens or don’t happen will have to be worked out so that we both can do what we are doing or something else will have to be figured out or it will have to be forgotten about. If they do not like that and do not want to come along for the ride that is fine I understand and am fine with that. I don’t blame them and wish I hadn’t put the things I wanted on hold for ever one else.

I guess it’s probably because Father of The Year isn’t coming around as much anymore. We haven’t seen him since Wednesday, it’s been just me and the kids. We are so much happier, and the house is much more relaxed and laid back.

I think to before I just wanted to get my divorce over and didn’t really want to meet anyone or think about meeting anyone until it was done. How many going to believe we aren’t together he here all the time and everything else. Just like my friend who said all that stuff about wanting to get together but questioned it and things. It’s annoying because I know what I was doing and I know that I wasn’t having anything to do with him and don’t want it. I was just letting him hang out until I could get my shit in court and over with and him agreeing to it. I figured he wants to hang out and do this that or the other more power to him. Not like he was doing anything else with or for the kids. But like I have said before I don’t blame him for the way he felt thought or whatever. I know I would not be talking to a guy in that kind of situation. I have to question what a guy’s intentions really are if he is willing to date a girl in that situation. Probably nothing long term.

Again it’s not even about the sex, it’s having that person there to talk to, do things with, just be with the support you give each other. Someone I can lay on the couch talk or watch a movie with. That adult contact that you don’t get from the kids or friends.

I haven’t dated in almost 4 years. Well the 15 of this month will be 4 years. As much as I want to focused on school and getting moved and keep telling myself to wait until I move it be better. I feel like I have wasted all this time on Father of The Year, R.C then the last 4 years as well. Thinking about being alone for another 2 years I can’t imagine not having them things for the next two year.

I keep coming back to the I just need someone who isn’t just there to see each other when we can and if we see or talk to others that is fine too. I just want to fast forward through this year be at next year and be done with school have the money and move.  I have training this weekend in the day time. I think after that I am going to get a couple friends and go out find something to do. I already told Father of the Year he has to have the kids. He hasn’t had them once yet since the divorce like he is supposed to. If he decides he isn’t getting them then he has to get a sitter for them. I have to go to this training and it is his time to have them so he needs to pay a sitter if he isn’t going to. I just have to figure out what I am going to do with my Little Bitty. But I have a friend that I am sure will take her and watch her for the night. Her husband works 12 hour shifts and is hardly ever home she is there alone most nights. I would ask her if she wants to go out with me but she isn’t allowed to go out. Little Bitty will love it she really likes her and they will pain their nails and watch tv or whatever.