{February 27, 2021}   A Good Month

As some of you know I lost my dad unexpectedly February 8 2015. That was the worst thing ever. I did not take it well and still have a hard time. If you have been around you probably know I am not a big drinker. I had one drink between last February and now.

A few day’s before he passed I started drinking in the morning and drink until that night. I never drink in the morning or even the afternoon for that matter. But I did that day. I was feeling bad about everything and wanted a drink. A drink I had. Jack and coke and whatever else i found. I couldn’t drink anymore by the time my friend came to check on me.

I wish I could say that was the first and only time something like this happened but it wasn’t. It seem to happen every February sins he passed. I can be doing good trying to keep my mind on other things. But it seems to never fail i hit a low low point that month and I binge drink. I go to work go home get ready and go out with friends. I drink until I can’t drink anymore and drink some more after I get sick. I have drink so much I hardly knew what was going on. The couple of years were the worst slowly just got worse.

I thought of it the other day and it is the end of the month and I haven’t drink or even wanted to drink. I haven’t had that major depressed feeling come over me and slowly get worse until I feel like it is consuming me. Until I just don’t care and drink to not feel or think about it.

I have had a ruff week with everything that happen Monday. Between that and the stress of trying to move and dealing with the Bitch. I hardly slept this last week. Few hours here and there and that is interrupted. I have had horrible dreams, nightmares, and just wake up off and on all night. Last night was a hard night. But it was just pure exhaustion from not sleeping. I sit here and just wanted to cry over everything. But I still didn’t want to drink. I finally just turned everything off and cried myself to sleep. I slept a little but still not a lot. Was still up and down all night and a wake at 6am.

I am just happy it has been a much better February than the last 5.

{July 1, 2019}   Weight Loss Update

Last 4th of July I went down to a size 8 in jeans. Over the last year I had made my way down to a 6. About 2 weeks a go one morning I got up and needed pants to wear. (Long day/nigh laundry didn’t get done) I grabbed a pair out of a bag bff gave me. They looked small, I looked at the size and they were. I decided to try them anyway because the ones I have been wearing are starting to fall off. I put them on and they fit perfectly. They are the best fitting pair of jeans that I have had in years.

Best of all, they are a size 4!!! I have not been in a size 4 since high school probably. I pulled some more out that were 4s and they all fit.

I have noticed the last few days that they are feeling lose even out of the drier but I haven’t tried a size smaller yet. I started to when I put the 4’s on but they fit so good and put me in such a good mood, I didn’t want to be disappointed. I truely don’t think I am down that much yet. I may try a pair this week just to see how much more I would need to lose before I go down another size. I have not weighed myself in a while, the last time I did I was under 130lbs less than 10lbs to my goal. I figure at this point I may go down one more size but that is it. Really I don’t want to go smaller than that. I am fine if I stay where I am as long as I don’t gain any and hit my goal weight.

Maybe I will weigh in and try a smaller size on this week.

All last week all I wanted to do was eat and I did. I ate anything and everything. I gained 5 lbs. This week has been the same so far and I am not even going to step on the scale again anytime soon. I have been in a funk up and down mood swings lately. I think it is just the time of the year. We are coming up on 4 years my dad has been gone. The first two months of the year are when everything happened. I know I have never fully dealt with it and subconsiully its there even when he isn’t on my mind. Lately he is on my mind all the time.

I have decided I am just going to get through the rest of this month and next month. Then I will worry about where I am and how much I need to lose from there. I have been doing really good this far with little effort it it takes a little to get back on track it’s okay.

{August 26, 2018}   Weight Loss and Why

I just want to clear something up about my weight loss. I have had so many people tell me I didn’t need to lose, I looked fine the way I was, and I don’t need to lose more. They say I shouldn’t worry about what others think, or I should be happy with myself the way I am not always trying to lose weight and worrying how I look.

First off I do not do anything because I am worried about what others think of me. Weight or other wise. Anyone who knows me should know this by now. As for being happy with my body or myself, I am completely fine with myself the way I am. I may not 100% like something but I am not sitting around worrying about it or trying to figure out how to change it. Or wanting too change it or feeling bad over it. I decided a long time  ago this is me this is how I look at any given time and it can and will change and that is okay. I am fine with that. Whoever has a problem with it to bad that is on them.

I wasn’t trying to lose weight last year when I lost 20 something pounds all of a sudden. I just started working and my habits and things changed. I have always been that way where I will just all of a sudden drop a big amount then maintain or gain again for a while. It wasn’t like I set out to lose. I have talked about wanting to for a while but never really worked at it. The reasons I wanted to was to feel better be healthier not because of the way I look or what others think of me. I am sure I have said that before when talking about my weight. I am not comfortable at this weight, I feel the effects of being this big going up and down stairs, running with the kids and dogs and see it in the swelling and pain in my legs. I want to feel better I am not worried about looking better or finding a guy. Believe it or not it is mostly guys telling me I didn’t need to lose and don’t need to lose more. I have never had negative comments from guys at any size I have been. I don’t know why because I know a lot of women say they get comments from guys about their size a lot. Thank god I have not had that experience because it probably would not of ended well. I went off on a boss over making fat jokes and comments about another girl who worked with us. He do it to her face, I went off one day I was so over hearing it he wouldn’t let up.

I think it comes down to confidences, appearance, and how you carry yourself. Guys are attracted to women who appear to be confident and carry theirselves that way. That seems to be one of the first things they notice. Even if you are a little “bigger” or not super skinny it makes you more attractive.

Who knows I could be way off base but just from my experience and watching interactions when I am out and things. It is what I find to be true.

But there you have it I am losing weight for me, so I feel better not for any other reason. As much as I knew I needed to lose more after I lost all that last year I did not actively try or gobout of my way to. I just had another change in life situations and ended up losing another big amount as a part of it. Yes I do need to lose more to get to where I need to be and wanted to try and go ahead and lose it too. But I haven’t stuck with it, I have gained a little back but I am okay with that. I know I will go back down again and figure it is better to let my body maintain again for a bit before I decide to try again. I seem to do better if I maintain a bit after a big loss. And right now I am not into putting in the effort to lose more when it isn’t something that has to be done right now.

{July 4, 2018}   6 Sizes

Last year when I lost a bunch of weight at one time I bought this nice pair of jeans I found on sale. Well they were way to small. So I just stuffed them in the dresser as incentive to keep losing.

Fast forward a year I forgot about them. I am making dinner and ran to my room to put something on to take the kids to see fireworks. I seen them tossed under a bunch of stuff. I pulled them out to see what they were. For the hell of it I decided to try them on. Imagine my shock when they FIT!!! I didn’t just get them on and buttom them. I was able to put them on and wear them out to see the fireworks. I was in a size 14 when I bought them and what I have been wearing since I bought them. So I have went from a 16 down to an 8. All that I have lost the last few weeks they are falling off. I can pull them up and down without unzipping or buttoning them. When I walk I have to keep pulling them up. I just said yesterday I have to buy a pair or two because I can’t wear them anymore. They look horrible for work or anywhere. But I figured I needed a 12 maybe a 10. Not an 8. I am still in disbelief and so excited.

I called my bff in middle of fireworks and was like guess what? I said you know the pants I bought when we first started talking last year. She said no way before I could even finish. I said I am wearing them. Sje said send me a pictutere!

I hope to lose the rest of what I have to lose by the end of the month. Before I would lose some and then gain it all back amd then some. This time I have only gained back 5lbs out of all I have lost and have lost it and then some now.

I really have not changed what I am eating mostly just how much I eat in a day and when I am eating. Working up and moving more has helped too. I have only been eating once a day. No I am not starving myself. I am not a breakfasts eater so I don’t eat that. I will eat something for lunch or dinner and that is it. If I feel hungry I will grab a snack or something but most the time I don’t get hungry. I also stopped drinking my bottles of coffee I like so much. I had not had o e in I don’t know how long until yesterday and today. I really don’t even want another. I have started drinking coke again a while back but even so I am still losing.

With not being around the last few days and then dumping a few post back to back just about. I do not remember if I told you all that as of Monday I have lost 7 lbs in just over a week. I maybe down more today but I have not checked. I don’t check often. But I know I checked last week and then Monday at my friends her scale was sitting there so I figured why not?

I am now below 160 lbs. I am very happy. I want to be back at 120/130lbs. I will probably wait until Froday or the weekend to check again. I really haven’t been trying to lose it and had gained some back. But being back at work and back to eating more normal for me has made a huge difference. Because when I am working I eat once a day. And not as much as I do when I am home.

{July 1, 2016}   Wishful Thinking

I don’t know why I have been thinking about my old job the last few weeks. I haven’t worked there since January 2010. The lady that worked with me one of the owners mom, passed away in March but I don’t know how long before that she had stopped working. I guess they have been doing taking care of things their self as I don’t see others there when I go by just them. But I don’t think that is going to last for very long as they don’t like to be in the office all the time but like to have it open and by law are supposed to have it open too so many hours a day at least 5 days a week. I never thought about going back to work there I don’t have my licence anymore because all I ever had was my temporary licences. Not working I wasn’t able to get the other. It just was never something I seen my self going back to. I like to do the job again but never thought I would ever do it there again.

Today I needed to get the papers for court notarized so they could be turned in. I was confused what day it was and was on my way out the door to go to the courthouse. Then I seen what day it was and I had to leave in an hour to take my big boy to his appointment. I couldn’t cancelled it because he is missing next week and I can’t at the last minute. I figured if I could go to up to the old office my boss could notarize them for me and then Father of the Year could take them and turn them in. We pulled up I started to go in and didn’t I told him to run in and ask if he was there. I figured he could go in do his and then I could go do mine when he was done so we wouldn’t have to take all the kids out of the car.

He came back and said the other boss was there and that the one I was looking for wasn’t there he was running around and going on vacation tomorrow. Like I said they don’t like to be sitting in the office. But father of the year said that the one that was there asked him if he knew the other lady passed away and he told him yes he had heard. Said then he ask him if I knew was just kind of talking. He said he didn’t sound upset about it and that it was just odd the way he ask him if he knew then wanted to know if I knew. Said he just kind of sat there like he was going to say something or wanted to but didn’t. But he said I kind of got the idea he was wanting to know what you were doing or like he wanted to say something about if you wanted to work again but didn’t. He said I should go talk to them. I don’t know for some reason I had been thinking about when I use to work there and how nice it was. It was like a big family. The lady I worked with like I said was one bosses mother and she had dated the other bosses bad for a while, so they all had known each half their lives or more and were basically family for a while. I was the only person they had ever had work there that wasn’t family, I don’t think they have had anyone since I left working. I didn’t work weekend, I didn’t work any holidays the courts were closed, if I really needed to I could take the kids to work with me, and if I let them know ahead of time I could get time off to go to things with the kids for school trips and things.

I don’t know if Father of the year just reading to much into it or taken it the wrong way or if he really was thinking about it. I wouldn’t mind doing it because I wouldn’t have to worry about working the weekends, I would be off nights, weekends, holidays. Depending how things go with school. I would be able to take my school work with me and work on a lot of it there when we aren’t busy. I figured too he was probably thinking about it because the other one is going on vacation and he is the only one there to handle things until he gets back if they don’t have someone else working for them now. I have looked to see who’s cars were there when I went by but not seen any I know other than the two bosses. But they are the only ones I see coming and going locking up different times of the day when I go by or their cars and customers. I could be wrong, I think I will stop in a week or so and just see whats going on. Wait until the other boss gets back. I need to get some more things signed so I will have a reason to stop by just see.

I am going to have to think about it as well in case it were to come up or if I might bring it up just ask if they need someone to help out now and then. But I have to think about hours, pay, days and things like that. Before I worked from 8 to 5, I worked Monday-Friday and made ok money. But right now I need to be able to take the kids to school, but then I would have to work until 6 probably. They were open til 6 in the past the other lady worked 10 to 6 I worked 8 to 5. If it is only part time I am not sure what days I would want to work, it would probably be 3 days a week. I don’t know if I want to work Mon-Wed-Fri or maybe or something different. I am sure they will have days or idea of days but they are flexible as well so I could have some say in what days I wanted to work or we could meet in the middle. I could probably go in at 8:30/9 and still get off at 5 if I just work through lunch or only took 3o minutes. We got an hour lunch before and most days I would stay there anyway. Money I think is what will be something they aren’t going to want to come off of what I want. It’s about $3.48 more than what I made before, but it’s also been 6 years since I worked last and that pay and things have went up. It still be less than what they paid others so they may do it.

I don’t know why I am even thinking this much into it, when it is probably something that is never going to happen. Dreaming I guess because I need a job and something that is fixable and not crazy days and hours. Some place that does put family first and don’t expect you to be there 24/7 everyday of the year and thinks that you should have no life but work. Wishful thinking I guess you say.

{May 10, 2016}   Lasting Effects of Loss

I am about to lose my mind with all the junk around the house and not being able to get rid of any of it. I use to be able to tell the kids lets clean out get rid of anything we don’t use, don’t need or that’s broken and they would go to work going through their toys and room. I go through the rest of the house. The last few weeks I have been trying to do this and clean off the carport and laundry room cleaned up. I want everything organized before classes started. But my baby boy gets so upset and freaks out if I try to get rid of anything be it his or someone else. I cries and acts like you have attacked him or something. The other week I went through my little ones room and took her stuff because she wouldn’t pick it up. He was on his knees begging me to not get rid of it he would clean her room as soon as he was done with his. I tried to put a wagon thing to the road because it wasn’t what I thought I was getting when I bought it and we have not found a use for it. He started crying and drug it back up to the house from the road. I really don’t know what to do for him or with him.

As most of you know we lost my dad very unexpected and quick last year. We found out New years day he had cancer wasn’t treatable and was given 6 months. He passed the Feb 8. My little one had a very hard time with Grandpa being sick. He was very emotional, angry, and aggressive at the time. When he passed he seemed to be back to his normal self. It was like flipping a switch when we found out he got that way and after he passed it was like someone flipped the switch and he was back to his sweet loving self.

Until now, and I didn’t think one had to do with the other at first but then I started noticing that after he would get all upset about someone trying to get rid of stuff once he calmed down he would come up out of the blue and start talking about Grandpa and how he misses him and things. Him and his brother went in their room and his brother was trying to get rid of stuff another time and he started asking if grandpa go him that and things. Even if I tell him Grandpa didn’t get it for him he still can’t let it go and get rid of it.

I have never gotten rid of their stuff without them knowing and them having in put on what is gotten rid of. I don’t want to start now and don’t think that is going to make things any better just worse. But I need to be able to get rid of my stuff and the other kids need to be able to get rid of their stuff without him having a break down over it. He needs to be able to get rid of his things that no longer fit are broken or just not used and taking up room. I don’t know what to do for him or how to help him. I tried asking the therapist that my older son sees but she had no answers and wasn’t sure what to do or how to help him either. I guess I am going to have to take him in to see the doctor and see what she says and who she feels he should see or talk to. He can’t turn into a hoarder, my Grandpa on my moms side is and it is horrid.

{March 24, 2015}  

I haven’t written a lot the last month and a half. I am still struggling to deal with the loss of my dad. I have ok days and I have bad days. Don’t think I really have any good days. Maybe the ones where I get out of bed and do something, get dressed and leave the house. Really they are just ok days not like I do anything great just get everyone to their appointments and where they need to be. So we will stick with ok days and bad days. Seems best for now.

I did take the boys out and get them so clothes and myself a couple shirts that we have needed. I got the baby a couple dresses and a outfit. I still have to take my big girl shopping when she gets home. Really I did it because the baby was sleeping in her stroller and I didn’t want to be home. I bounce between not wanting to get out of bed to not wanting to be in the house and just having to get out. She wasn’t fussing and I had to go to the store anyway so we shopped.

I haven’t been food shopping and stocked the house in I can’t tell you when. I send father of the year to grab stuff to go with stuff we have to make meals or to get something to make. If I have to I will get out and go get it. I really got to get the house restocked it is costing way to much money. But the way I have felt the last thing I want to do is go shopping. I don’t like being around the crowds and dealing with the people.

I am starting to want to do something with the house it has gotten really out of control to the point of its bothering me I got to do something. Father of the year took his bed and some other stuff to his new place last night. We have been going through things in the kids room and the playroom.

I am getting rid of most everything in the play room. What they do get to keep is going in bins in their rooms in their closets. I have money sat aside to order bookshelves for out there to put all mine and the kids books on. I am ordering 4 of the tall ones and 4 of the smaller ones. The taller ones are for my books, while each of the kids will each get one of the smaller ones for their books and school stuff. I am also putting their desk out of their rooms in there and a desk for the computer. This way they each have a place to sit and do school work and keep their laptops. The other desk for the little kids. They are learning to use the computer right now it is on a table that sits up high with stools at it. I want it down where they can reach it not be up so high. This way they can work it better and I don’t have to worry about them falling.

I am so glad that father of the year is moving. This is it no matter what happens he is not going to be coming back here to stay. The office called me today about my lease it is up at the end of the month she wanted to know if I would be signing a new one or what. I told her I had to because right now I can’t move. Everything cost so much that I would have to pay 2 or $300 more in just rent I don’t have it. She said ok she was going to have them write it up and would get back to me we hung up. I thought as soon as we did that father of the year is on the lease. I called her back and told her that I wanted it in just my name so that he can’t just say he is on it he is moving back in. Because if he is on it I have to let him. She said she would send it in just my name he may have to sign a paper saying the deposit went to me or something like that. I’m not worried about it if he dose he dose if he don’t he don’t. They can give it all to him. It worth it to be rid of him. I don’t think it will be a problem. I haven’t told him I am signing a new lease or that he may have to sign anything. I am just going to wait see what happens. If he don’t have to go down sign anything then I am not going to tell him I signed a new one. He thinks I am looking for somewhere to move and just going to do a month to month. It isn’t a big deal but to me it is none of his business. I have had to tell him and deal with him on everything now I don’t. It has nothing to do with him it is mine to take care of and be responsible for.

I hope that he will be out by Wednesday or Thursday night. I can get everything out there set up. I have to wait on the bookshelves because I have to order them still and then they have to be brought. I wanted to order the little’s new car-seats but they were out of stock. If they are not back up by tomorrow I will probably just go ahead and order them place another order later.

Good news my little bitty is starting to potty train. As long as I let her run around naked she uses the potty. Yesterday she went to take a nap she was naked. I put a diaper on her once she goes to sleep just in case. I was laying on my bed reading a book forgot. about a hour after she went to sleep she got up went got on her little potty and pee then went back to sleep for a while. I was impressed because she still wakes up wet after naps and soaked in the morning. Lot of mornings I wake up she has gotten up in the night took her diaper off laid it on the floor and went back to sleep naked. Everyone says she is my child because she don’t like clothes.

The other kids are doing pretty good my oldest is staying with my mom for a little bit. She should be home by the weekend. The boys have been being boys. My 9 year old is growing up so fast he is going to be 10 in September he is starting to get attitude and lazy. Have been after him for weeks to clean his room he hasn’t. Finally his dad went in there and cleaned it for him yet again. He seems to not mind doing laundry so he has been on laundry duty the last few days. It has gotten neglected with the rest of the house. He seems to be getting on top of it. At least getting it washed and dried folded we have to work on. Right now it is on his sisters bed. At this point I feel if I have to go through their playroom and pick up clean up and get rid of stuff because they don’t and he has to clean their room they can wash the clothes. He is teaching his little brother how to do them and having him help. I shouldn’t have to try to catch them up and do everything else.

I am also taking part of this money and ordering all of next years homeschool stuff so that we have it and can start it when the time comes. I am going to get them started on a program on line to finish out the rest of this year and call it a year. The kids here get out the first of June. I think I will have them work until first of July and then give them July and August off start September like we did this year.

My mom is flipping out they haven’t done enough they aren’t learning and blah blah. I am not worried about it they say you should deschool at least a month for every year they were in school. That would be 9 around months for my oldest and 7 for my other. They both read all the time and are always looking stuff up on line they want to know about. We are going back to our homeschool group Thursday as well and I am going to a meeting about getting them both into Classical Conversations for next year. They only go for 24 weeks a year not 36 like the public schools I am sure by the time we get done this summer we will have at least that done for this year.

Saturday was a hard day when I went to get my dads tattoo. My friend went with me and sat there and talk to me why he did it we got on the subject of my dad all I could do was cry why he was doing it. He said he lost his mom when he was 12. I can’t imagine losing my parent that young. Hearing that makes me feel selfish because I did get so much time with my dad that people like him and other kids I know didn’t with their’s.

I’ve not been sleeping for a while now. It is different than when I can’t sleep other times. I get to sleep and start to sleep really good and all of a sudden wide awake for no reason and can’t get back to sleep. When I wake up I have only been sleeping for maybe 45 minutes at the most. I may fall a sleep here and there through the night but only for a few minutes and then up again. I finally fell asleep late in the night last night probably closer to this morning and sleep for a while. I got up once to give the baby a bottle and figured I be up after that but I felt so tired I went right back to sleep for hours more. But now here I sit at 11:50 pm wide awake again.

Trying to get the house moved around and back under control has been way more stressful than it should or has to be. I can’t left and move most of the stuff and need father of the year to get his stuff out of the way. I have been asking for a month or more for him to move his stuff pack it get it out of the way and help me move the other stuff and get it moved. He don’t or waits until late to start then cries and bitches that it is late he is sleepy he has to work in a few hours or waiting on calls he should be sleeping. But it don’t matter that he just had 2 days off and didn’t bother to do anything. Now that he finally has his stuff out he is supposed to help me get all the big stuffed moved to the room it goes in and my friend is going to come Wednesday and Thursday to help me move everything around go through it. We are getting everything ready for the relay for life yard sale so we can donate the money to it.

That all the fun that has been going on in my life the last few weeks month. I have done really good at not drinking I do have to say. I lay there at night and think if I just had a drink or two I would probably go to sleep and get a good nights sleep but I don’t. Or I sit here and try not to think about things and it just nags and nags me in the back of my mind that a drink would be really good right now how relaxed i would be and not so stressed out. It seems so crazy to me because I am not really a drinker her and there once in a while sitting around talking with friends or if I go out I might have a couple. Never when I am going through something like this other than the one night last month when I drank that one night. That is the first and only time I had ever drank like that. But lately I have wanted to more often than not. I am hoping getting us back into going to the homeschool meetings and starting school work again and getting the house in order will help turn things around make things seem less stressful.

I think I need to write more again as well it always seems to help me feel less stressed too. My goal I think will be to write at least every other day for now.

{February 3, 2015}   A Good Friend

I don’t know what I was thinking last night. Me and the kids went got dinner and came home and I made it. Then I decided I wanted to have a drink so I got me some of them screwdriver things in the bottles why we were out. I grabbed a bottle of coke too I thought of the bottle of Jack we had. I had a jack and tea and jack and coke. I had a few shots why I was making my drinks. Then I decided to try the screwdrivers. They aren’t that good but they are better than regular beers. I can’t drink them at all. I text my friend about 8 or 9 to see what he was doing. Figured he was working but we talk off and on why he is at work at night a lot of times. He messaged me back about 11 we started talking. They been pretty busy at work.

I told him to come drink with me.

The first thing he said is where are you and what’s up?

He knows I hardly ever drink.

I told him I was at home.

He asked if father of the year was here? I told him been gone all day and was over 100 miles a way and who knew when he would be home if he got another call.

He then wanted to know if the kids where home and up. I told him yeah they were running around here playing me the baby were listening to music.

He said something about coming over and father of the year. I made a remark back. He said you are way drunk. I will be over in a little bit. The way he said he be over in a bit was like he dreaded the idea.  I said well shit you don’t have to you act like I got a gun to your head and forcing you to.

He said no just tired don’t feel like dealing with kids tonight. But I’m coming.

He had to deal with my kid when father of the year use to live with him and he had them for the weekend. My kids did not and still hardly listen to their dad because of the way he is. So it was ruff back then. We don’t see each other that much other than in the store here and there. He is busy works 3 jobs and our kids are so far apart in age. Not like we have a ton of chances to get together.

By the time he got here my little bitty had went got in her bed and was going to sleep and my little guy laid on the couch and went to sleep why me and him were outside.

He got here I went outside to sit and talk to him. I didn’t want the kids to hear all I was saying. They don’t need to know all that is going on. I got up and went to throw my bottle a way he got up to follow me in the dark to make sure I didn’t fall probably. We were standing there by my truck talking. He came over gave me a hug I just lost it. I started crying. I said something about father of the year and RC the way he did and my dad being so sick and things. I said I must be pretty fucking bad for everyone to do me the way they have and to treat me the way they do talk about me and everything. I said you know me I help anyone and do anything all that I can. Look how I get done in return. I said now my dad he is so sick. I said I must really be something else. I must have really fucked up somewhere or did something horrible in another life to be done this way now.

He was telling me no and not to say that and look where it was coming from that I knew better than that. He said RC I am partly at fault for that I feel horrible for it. We talked about him and other stuff.

We sat out there a little while longer he asked me wasn’t I cold. Surprisingly I wasn’t considering I was in short sleeves and thin pair of lounge pants. I said your cold we can go in but the place is a mess kids have been having a blast tonight. He said I don’t care what your house looks like I’m not here to inspect your house.

We went in sat down my big boy wanted to eat something so I let him do that and sent him to bed. Put my little guy in his bed. We were talking. I had a screwdriver and poured me a glass of coke when we came in and sat it on the table there by me. He looked at me said which one are you drinking. I said both but there is nothing in the coke. He said nothing at all. I said no its just coke. I had that dry cotton mouth I needed something to just drink. I said I hope I’m not hungover in the morning. I have never had a hangover but I never really drank like I did that night. When I do drink I always eat a big dinner and I drank water in between drinks or have a few then a bottle of water have a few more. I hadn’t drink any water and only ate a little frozen pizza for dinner.

That’s first thing he said was you need to drink some water. It don’t appear you have been because your really drunk. I said no I forgot to get any. I got up and got some water out of the tap and went back. I still had that cotton mouth feeling and my stomach felt so full. I tried to force some water down and it wasn’t a good outcome. I ran to the bathroom and got sick. I am surprised I didn’t puke more than I did. Most times I start I can’t stop. But I pretty much just puked up the water and coke I had tried to drank.

I went back and got the blanket my little guy had been using on the couch before he went to bed and sat down on the other couch beside him. Laid my head on his shoulder. He said don’t puke on me. I laughed assured him I wasn’t going to be sick any more. He don’t do puke. He is ocd hates to be dirty or nasty ha ha. I laid my head back on his shoulder he put his arm around me. I said man I can’t believe I drank so much, drank as long as I have been tonight. I never drank in front of my kids much less get drunk. I will have a mixed drank or two once in a while. Most the time after they go to bed. When me and RC was together I would have one while making dinner or something when he got home from work. He said that’s a big reason I came over here. He said I know you don’t just drank like that I knew your kids were here and up. He said I was worried about yall. Figured I would hang out until father of the year came home or at least get the kids to bed and make sure you were ok.

Didn’t seem like he been here long at all and father of the year came up. I think he thought he was going to get mad he was here He got up and sat on the side edge of the seat. I really didn’t care we weren’t doing anything wrong we were just talking. He has been my friend since we were in 3 rd grade. He really is like my brother. I have gone over and sat talked to him when he was going through stuff in the past.

That was Saturday night. Sunday he text me ask if I was ok and what I was doing. We talked off and on through the day. He text me Sunday evening asked what I was doing how I was. I told him I was out driving around. That I just had to get out of the house. I told him life be so much easier if we just didn’t care. He said yes in ways but not always a good thing. He said you know I acutely care about your  mental and emotional well being right? He said I doubt your doing very well. You didn’t do very well hiding it last night. I told him I’m not doing good. He said he was there if I needed to talk or anything. I told him thank you. I didn’t hear from him for a while I figured he fell asleep. One or the other will a lot of times when we are talking at night. Then he text me in a while asked if I made it home yet. I told him I been here about a 45 minutes. He said ok he was going to bed.

I don’t know what it was it was just nice to hear it from him and the fact he came over say 2 hours with me and talked when he could have went home to bed and to his wife and kids. It’s different than hearing it from anyone else. Everyone been texting and asking if I am ok and asking how my dad is and things. But I don’t know I don’t feel I can talk to them the way I can him and say the things to them that I can with him. I guess because of the way we grew up and how long we have known each other. We can say whatever and not feel we are being judged or talked about later. I love my other friends and they are great but I still feel that they know me one way they haven’t seen all that I have been through. If I say things or do something they are going to take it completely different than what it is. If that makes since.

Like I said to him anyone I get close to or start to care about it seems something happens. I find they are just there to see what they can find out or there for what you are willing to do for or give them. Or like others just there until something better comes along. To kick you when your down. Any more I am tired of trying to weed the real from the fake because there seems to be way more fake than real out there. It is easier to just play nice and keep things to myself. When they decide to walk a way or show their true colors there is less hurt involved.

And he just listens a lot of times I don’t try to fix it or make it better or say something to make me feel better. He just lets me get it out. Most others want to make it better or tell me what I need to do. I am doing all I can do I just need to vent sometimes. Because it don’t matter how much you can handle or bare we all need to just vent and have our weak moment with out someone trying to fix it, make it better, telling us what we need to do or telling us how strong we are and we need to just move on or keep moving. That is what he dose. He will talk and thing but its just different. He really is like family to me.

et cetera
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