Weight Loss Update

Last 4th of July I went down to a size 8 in jeans. Over the last year I had made my way down to a 6. About 2 weeks a go one morning I got up and needed pants to wear. (Long day/nigh laundry didn’t get done) I grabbed a pair out of a bag bff gave me. They looked small, I looked at the size and they were. I decided to try them anyway because the ones I have been wearing are starting to fall off. I put them on and they fit perfectly. They are the best fitting pair of jeans that I have had in years.

Best of all, they are a size 4!!! I have not been in a size 4 since high school probably. I pulled some more out that were 4s and they all fit.

I have noticed the last few days that they are feeling lose even out of the drier but I haven’t tried a size smaller yet. I started to when I put the 4’s on but they fit so good and put me in such a good mood, I didn’t want to be disappointed. I truely don’t think I am down that much yet. I may try a pair this week just to see how much more I would need to lose before I go down another size. I have not weighed myself in a while, the last time I did I was under 130lbs less than 10lbs to my goal. I figure at this point I may go down one more size but that is it. Really I don’t want to go smaller than that. I am fine if I stay where I am as long as I don’t gain any and hit my goal weight.

Maybe I will weigh in and try a smaller size on this week.

Five Pounds In The Wrong Direction

All last week all I wanted to do was eat and I did. I ate anything and everything. I gained 5 lbs. This week has been the same so far and I am not even going to step on the scale again anytime soon. I have been in a funk up and down mood swings lately. I think it is just the time of the year. We are coming up on 4 years my dad has been gone. The first two months of the year are when everything happened. I know I have never fully dealt with it and subconsiully its there even when he isn’t on my mind. Lately he is on my mind all the time.

I have decided I am just going to get through the rest of this month and next month. Then I will worry about where I am and how much I need to lose from there. I have been doing really good this far with little effort it it takes a little to get back on track it’s okay.

Weight Loss and Why

I just want to clear something up about my weight loss. I have had so many people tell me I didn’t need to lose, I looked fine the way I was, and I don’t need to lose more. They say I shouldn’t worry about what others think, or I should be happy with myself the way I am not always trying to lose weight and worrying how I look.

First off I do not do anything because I am worried about what others think of me. Weight or other wise. Anyone who knows me should know this by now. As for being happy with my body or myself, I am completely fine with myself the way I am. I may not 100% like something but I am not sitting around worrying about it or trying to figure out how to change it. Or wanting too change it or feeling bad over it. I decided a long time  ago this is me this is how I look at any given time and it can and will change and that is okay. I am fine with that. Whoever has a problem with it to bad that is on them.

I wasn’t trying to lose weight last year when I lost 20 something pounds all of a sudden. I just started working and my habits and things changed. I have always been that way where I will just all of a sudden drop a big amount then maintain or gain again for a while. It wasn’t like I set out to lose. I have talked about wanting to for a while but never really worked at it. The reasons I wanted to was to feel better be healthier not because of the way I look or what others think of me. I am sure I have said that before when talking about my weight. I am not comfortable at this weight, I feel the effects of being this big going up and down stairs, running with the kids and dogs and see it in the swelling and pain in my legs. I want to feel better I am not worried about looking better or finding a guy. Believe it or not it is mostly guys telling me I didn’t need to lose and don’t need to lose more. I have never had negative comments from guys at any size I have been. I don’t know why because I know a lot of women say they get comments from guys about their size a lot. Thank god I have not had that experience because it probably would not of ended well. I went off on a boss over making fat jokes and comments about another girl who worked with us. He do it to her face, I went off one day I was so over hearing it he wouldn’t let up.

I think it comes down to confidences, appearance, and how you carry yourself. Guys are attracted to women who appear to be confident and carry theirselves that way. That seems to be one of the first things they notice. Even if you are a little “bigger” or not super skinny it makes you more attractive.

Who knows I could be way off base but just from my experience and watching interactions when I am out and things. It is what I find to be true.

But there you have it I am losing weight for me, so I feel better not for any other reason. As much as I knew I needed to lose more after I lost all that last year I did not actively try or gobout of my way to. I just had another change in life situations and ended up losing another big amount as a part of it. Yes I do need to lose more to get to where I need to be and wanted to try and go ahead and lose it too. But I haven’t stuck with it, I have gained a little back but I am okay with that. I know I will go back down again and figure it is better to let my body maintain again for a bit before I decide to try again. I seem to do better if I maintain a bit after a big loss. And right now I am not into putting in the effort to lose more when it isn’t something that has to be done right now.

6 Sizes

Last year when I lost a bunch of weight at one time I bought this nice pair of jeans I found on sale. Well they were way to small. So I just stuffed them in the dresser as incentive to keep losing.

Fast forward a year I forgot about them. I am making dinner and ran to my room to put something on to take the kids to see fireworks. I seen them tossed under a bunch of stuff. I pulled them out to see what they were. For the hell of it I decided to try them on. Imagine my shock when they FIT!!! I didn’t just get them on and buttom them. I was able to put them on and wear them out to see the fireworks. I was in a size 14 when I bought them and what I have been wearing since I bought them. So I have went from a 16 down to an 8. All that I have lost the last few weeks they are falling off. I can pull them up and down without unzipping or buttoning them. When I walk I have to keep pulling them up. I just said yesterday I have to buy a pair or two because I can’t wear them anymore. They look horrible for work or anywhere. But I figured I needed a 12 maybe a 10. Not an 8. I am still in disbelief and so excited.

I called my bff in middle of fireworks and was like guess what? I said you know the pants I bought when we first started talking last year. She said no way before I could even finish. I said I am wearing them. Sje said send me a pictutere!

I hope to lose the rest of what I have to lose by the end of the month. Before I would lose some and then gain it all back amd then some. This time I have only gained back 5lbs out of all I have lost and have lost it and then some now.

I really have not changed what I am eating mostly just how much I eat in a day and when I am eating. Working up and moving more has helped too. I have only been eating once a day. No I am not starving myself. I am not a breakfasts eater so I don’t eat that. I will eat something for lunch or dinner and that is it. If I feel hungry I will grab a snack or something but most the time I don’t get hungry. I also stopped drinking my bottles of coffee I like so much. I had not had o e in I don’t know how long until yesterday and today. I really don’t even want another. I have started drinking coke again a while back but even so I am still losing.

Don’t Know If I Told You All

With not being around the last few days and then dumping a few post back to back just about. I do not remember if I told you all that as of Monday I have lost 7 lbs in just over a week. I maybe down more today but I have not checked. I don’t check often. But I know I checked last week and then Monday at my friends her scale was sitting there so I figured why not?

I am now below 160 lbs. I am very happy. I want to be back at 120/130lbs. I will probably wait until Froday or the weekend to check again. I really haven’t been trying to lose it and had gained some back. But being back at work and back to eating more normal for me has made a huge difference. Because when I am working I eat once a day. And not as much as I do when I am home.

Wishful Thinking

I don’t know why I have been thinking about my old job the last few weeks. I haven’t worked there since January 2010. The lady that worked with me one of the owners mom, passed away in March but I don’t know how long before that she had stopped working. I guess they have been doing taking care of things their self as I don’t see others there when I go by just them. But I don’t think that is going to last for very long as they don’t like to be in the office all the time but like to have it open and by law are supposed to have it open too so many hours a day at least 5 days a week. I never thought about going back to work there I don’t have my licence anymore because all I ever had was my temporary licences. Not working I wasn’t able to get the other. It just was never something I seen my self going back to. I like to do the job again but never thought I would ever do it there again.

Today I needed to get the papers for court notarized so they could be turned in. I was confused what day it was and was on my way out the door to go to the courthouse. Then I seen what day it was and I had to leave in an hour to take my big boy to his appointment. I couldn’t cancelled it because he is missing next week and I can’t at the last minute. I figured if I could go to up to the old office my boss could notarize them for me and then Father of the Year could take them and turn them in. We pulled up I started to go in and didn’t I told him to run in and ask if he was there. I figured he could go in do his and then I could go do mine when he was done so we wouldn’t have to take all the kids out of the car.

He came back and said the other boss was there and that the one I was looking for wasn’t there he was running around and going on vacation tomorrow. Like I said they don’t like to be sitting in the office. But father of the year said that the one that was there asked him if he knew the other lady passed away and he told him yes he had heard. Said then he ask him if I knew was just kind of talking. He said he didn’t sound upset about it and that it was just odd the way he ask him if he knew then wanted to know if I knew. Said he just kind of sat there like he was going to say something or wanted to but didn’t. But he said I kind of got the idea he was wanting to know what you were doing or like he wanted to say something about if you wanted to work again but didn’t. He said I should go talk to them. I don’t know for some reason I had been thinking about when I use to work there and how nice it was. It was like a big family. The lady I worked with like I said was one bosses mother and she had dated the other bosses bad for a while, so they all had known each half their lives or more and were basically family for a while. I was the only person they had ever had work there that wasn’t family, I don’t think they have had anyone since I left working. I didn’t work weekend, I didn’t work any holidays the courts were closed, if I really needed to I could take the kids to work with me, and if I let them know ahead of time I could get time off to go to things with the kids for school trips and things.

I don’t know if Father of the year just reading to much into it or taken it the wrong way or if he really was thinking about it. I wouldn’t mind doing it because I wouldn’t have to worry about working the weekends, I would be off nights, weekends, holidays. Depending how things go with school. I would be able to take my school work with me and work on a lot of it there when we aren’t busy. I figured too he was probably thinking about it because the other one is going on vacation and he is the only one there to handle things until he gets back if they don’t have someone else working for them now. I have looked to see who’s cars were there when I went by but not seen any I know other than the two bosses. But they are the only ones I see coming and going locking up different times of the day when I go by or their cars and customers. I could be wrong, I think I will stop in a week or so and just see whats going on. Wait until the other boss gets back. I need to get some more things signed so I will have a reason to stop by just see.

I am going to have to think about it as well in case it were to come up or if I might bring it up just ask if they need someone to help out now and then. But I have to think about hours, pay, days and things like that. Before I worked from 8 to 5, I worked Monday-Friday and made ok money. But right now I need to be able to take the kids to school, but then I would have to work until 6 probably. They were open til 6 in the past the other lady worked 10 to 6 I worked 8 to 5. If it is only part time I am not sure what days I would want to work, it would probably be 3 days a week. I don’t know if I want to work Mon-Wed-Fri or maybe or something different. I am sure they will have days or idea of days but they are flexible as well so I could have some say in what days I wanted to work or we could meet in the middle. I could probably go in at 8:30/9 and still get off at 5 if I just work through lunch or only took 3o minutes. We got an hour lunch before and most days I would stay there anyway. Money I think is what will be something they aren’t going to want to come off of what I want. It’s about $3.48 more than what I made before, but it’s also been 6 years since I worked last and that pay and things have went up. It still be less than what they paid others so they may do it.

I don’t know why I am even thinking this much into it, when it is probably something that is never going to happen. Dreaming I guess because I need a job and something that is fixable and not crazy days and hours. Some place that does put family first and don’t expect you to be there 24/7 everyday of the year and thinks that you should have no life but work. Wishful thinking I guess you say.

Lasting Effects of Loss

I am about to lose my mind with all the junk around the house and not being able to get rid of any of it. I use to be able to tell the kids lets clean out get rid of anything we don’t use, don’t need or that’s broken and they would go to work going through their toys and room. I go through the rest of the house. The last few weeks I have been trying to do this and clean off the carport and laundry room cleaned up. I want everything organized before classes started. But my baby boy gets so upset and freaks out if I try to get rid of anything be it his or someone else. I cries and acts like you have attacked him or something. The other week I went through my little ones room and took her stuff because she wouldn’t pick it up. He was on his knees begging me to not get rid of it he would clean her room as soon as he was done with his. I tried to put a wagon thing to the road because it wasn’t what I thought I was getting when I bought it and we have not found a use for it. He started crying and drug it back up to the house from the road. I really don’t know what to do for him or with him.

As most of you know we lost my dad very unexpected and quick last year. We found out New years day he had cancer wasn’t treatable and was given 6 months. He passed the Feb 8. My little one had a very hard time with Grandpa being sick. He was very emotional, angry, and aggressive at the time. When he passed he seemed to be back to his normal self. It was like flipping a switch when we found out he got that way and after he passed it was like someone flipped the switch and he was back to his sweet loving self.

Until now, and I didn’t think one had to do with the other at first but then I started noticing that after he would get all upset about someone trying to get rid of stuff once he calmed down he would come up out of the blue and start talking about Grandpa and how he misses him and things. Him and his brother went in their room and his brother was trying to get rid of stuff another time and he started asking if grandpa go him that and things. Even if I tell him Grandpa didn’t get it for him he still can’t let it go and get rid of it.

I have never gotten rid of their stuff without them knowing and them having in put on what is gotten rid of. I don’t want to start now and don’t think that is going to make things any better just worse. But I need to be able to get rid of my stuff and the other kids need to be able to get rid of their stuff without him having a break down over it. He needs to be able to get rid of his things that no longer fit are broken or just not used and taking up room. I don’t know what to do for him or how to help him. I tried asking the therapist that my older son sees but she had no answers and wasn’t sure what to do or how to help him either. I guess I am going to have to take him in to see the doctor and see what she says and who she feels he should see or talk to. He can’t turn into a hoarder, my Grandpa on my moms side is and it is horrid.

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