{April 12, 2018}   Just What I Didn’t Need

Right now, to have to spend more money I don’t have. I stopped in and hung out with my friends after work tonight at Apple-bee’s for a little bit. Well I had to go to the bathroom so I did, and just as I was about to pull my pants up my phone fell yep you guessed it right into the toilet. My friend was telling me to get it out and everything I told her there was no way I was sticking my hand in the toilet and getting it out. Probably bad of me to leave it in there but you know what I don’t care. I never go in places mess things up, break things or trash things or the bathrooms. But I am not sticking my hand in there. The screen was broken on it for a while now and I dropped it to day or yesterday (days are all running together so not sure) and cracked the screen even more. The only thing that sucks it my memory card that was in it, I just take it out and move it from phone to phone when I get a new one. But that is okay I don’t have anything on it anyway. I always save my pictures to a file on line every so often and it backs them up to somewhere automatic anyway so it works. I can not believe I did that. I don’t have the money to spend on a phone right now at all. I am hoping I am due for an upgrade so I can get something cheaper but who knows. I have to have it because of the kids and work or I would just wait a little while to get it.

I lost all my numbers too and that is what sucks the most. I have some that I can’t really get back unless those people call or text me because their phone is the only way I have to get a hold of them. I can’t get another phone until sometime tomorrow afternoon because I have to run my mother to appointments tomorrow. I think the one is going to take hours so I am going to see if there is a phone place close to there I can go to why she is in there.

{January 11, 2017}   Made It Through My Second day

I made it through my second day of my in person class. I got there 15 minutes early and still had to park out across campus from where my class is and walk. I was hoping to get a little closer today. Figured I would brave it and try parking closer. I got to class a little early the door was locked the teacher hadn’t gotten there yet. He did a power point on self awareness. I understood and knew what he was talking about because I have had the other classes and took this one last term. About 4 of the others seemed to understand and get it as well. I don’t know what classes they had before this. I know we were supposed to take psychology before we took it. But over all most of it I understood and had an idea of what it was even before I took this class or the others.

To me it is just kind of common since stuff. Self awareness and biases I thought were kind of self explanatory but I guess not. One of the other people in the class I guess she is maybe in her 40’s probably stopped me after class and ask me if what he was saying made since and if I understood it. The way he went over it was a little off. He is trying to have a class discussion about things and people give examples of different situations we have been in when it comes to things we are talking about or there thoughts, understanding and view of it and people are not really jumping in and doing that. So he is just kind of up there talking and I guess not doing a great job of explaining it so that people understand. He is kind of all over the place as well but he is new at this and trying to figure out what works and trying to like I said make it a group conversation but the group for the most part I guess don’t know what this stuff is so don’t know what to say or to talk about. He isn’t put together and prepared to well it seems. He don’t have handouts of the stuff but says he is going to send links with the power points and maybe have print outs.

The most I really got out of the class was to go home do this assignment, read this chapter and email him with the email we use the most. Other than that it was about 30 minutes of confusing all over the place rambling. If I did not know what this stuff was I would probably be lost sitting in class I’m just trying to figure out what point he is trying to make or where he is going with stuff and then it goes off track to something else. I hope that it gets better, I try to figure out what he is getting at and jump in but when you can’t even figure out what his point is or what he is getting out then you can’t really jump in with input. When he goes from one random thought to another then it just impossible. Like I said he is new at this I think this is the second class he has taught that is it. I can’t even say and pin point one or two things that he needs to fix or do different it is like everything is just off and a jumbled mess. It seems like it is going to be like a train wreck that just happens over and over again for the next 28 classes if something don’t happen and he don’t start getting it together. I can read it and do it figure it out but some of these people are going to have problems when it comes time to take test and things like that because it isn’t gone over enough. Hopefully they will read their book and be able to understand it from there.

{July 18, 2016}   I love My Children, BUT….

As bad as it may sound I can not wait for my youngest to start daycare. I don’t know what to do with her anymore. She is very much her own person and knows it. She don’t care if she gets in trouble she just goes on and does what she wants no matter how much you warren her or get on to her. She is 3 going on 30. I don’t know where this has come from because I haven’t treated her no different than the rest of the kids.

It’s pretty bad when my sons therapist watched her in her office why we were there for him and said oh my you are going to have your hands full with this one. She is going to give you a run for your money worse than the other three put together. She says she is a very old wise soul who LOVED shoes. She will steal the shoes off anyone’s feet she don’t care if they are her size or not. She has liked shoes since she could move around on her own.

The other day my niece came home with me, we walk in the door and met by my Little Bitty, she looks at her feet and says I like your shoes can I wear them? They are way to big, she tells her not right now and they go off to play. I hear her all the way down the hall talking about how much she likes her shoes and trying to get them. She was here a couple hour and comes out with no shoes. She said she talked me out of them I couldn’t take it no more. Little Bitty comes dancing out of the bedroom so happy showing off “her” shoes.

She is always stuck to me like glue if I am at the table trying to do my schoolwork she wants to be in my lap the chair next to me isn’t good enough. If I am sitting on my bed trying to do it or something else she is all over my bed climbing around and jumping. At night she refuses to sleep in her bed she has to be in my bed then she don’t want to lay down and go to sleep she wants to pester the dogs, jump around on the bed get up and down. Last night I locked her out of my room and told her she had to go sleep in her bed. She picked the lock. I put her back out she went and got into a bunch of stuff and had a fit. I try to not spank my kids but she has gotten a few swats on the butt lately. She cries for a minute and goes on. I get on her she cry for a minute and go on or just laugh. sometimes she laughs when I swat her but. I have resorted to taking her ponies or other toys she gets upset but then just don’t care or will finally do what ever it is I am asking after a fight to get them back without doing it.

My oldest was hard but she wasn’t even like this. She was mostly a mess maker, she wanted to play in everything soap, cleaners, glue, craft stuff just anything that she knew she was not supposed to be in she had to find a way and get in it if you turned your back for a minute. She also liked to have screaming fits if she did not get what she wanted but that got nipped in the butt really quick. I ignore her like she wasn’t even there why she sat infront of the tv and screamed or at my feet. I would walk around her and keep doing what I had to do until she came and talk to me without crying and having a fit. One really bad fit I made her knock on the door of the lady who lived in the apartment next to me and tell her she was sorry for having such a fit and making her listen to it and that she would try not to do it again. She caught on to what was going on and told her thank you for coming and saying sorry but she didn’t like to listen to her having her fit because then she couldn’t hear her tv and relax after work so she would be very happy if she didn’t do it anymore. After that if she started to have a fit and get loud I just say would you like to talk about it or have your fit and have to go knock on doors again and tell people you are sorry they had to listen to you? Most times that is all it took she stop and go on.

This one I have tried everything and anything I can to get her to listen or do what she needs to do and she just walks around like she could careless and does what she wants to do. Then cries when she gets in trouble but I am starting to feel that is a game too. I am so tired of it and drained. I can’t get anything done or consintrate on my school stuff when doing it. She don’t sleep she is up all hours of the day and night. By the time she goes to sleep I am so tired I can’t hold my eyes open to try and do it so I just do it the best i can wit her running around acting crazy and climbing everywhere or tearing the house apart why I am to busy to stop her.

Today I tried sending the boys to clean their room and had my oldest take her to sit down and play with her ponies, houses, people and cars. She loves to play with these things all together and has a huge imagination. I figured if someone sat down with just her and played what she wanted to play and spending time with her she would like that. Nope she ran off to aggervate the boys, pester the dogs and climb all over me and around me. No matter how much she tried she would not come play. I tried putting it away for a while to sit down and play with her some still could care less just run around and do what she wanted to do. I am at a loss, I am tired, wore out and feel like I could sleep for a week.

Today the thought how nice it would be if her dad was around I could take her and let her go spend a few days with him get a break get my work for the rest of the term down and get my house clean. That maybe he could get through to her some how, maybe we just need a break from each other. Then I thought she is like this now what is she going to be like when she gets older and how is she going to take her dad not being around when she gets old enough to start asking questions and understand. Is she going to take that and go even more wild or who know. I feel like a horrible mother with her right now. I don’t know what to do with her or for her. I don’t know why she is acting this way or what would help. I tried spending time with her doing things she wanted to do or ask to do, ignoring her, punishing her and nothing seems to get through to her. It does she just don’t care. I feel she is so disrespectful and that is my big pet peeve with kids and adults. I know that don’t help.

{March 28, 2015}   A Confident Women

Fist I just have to say I love my tattoo (You can check it out here My New Tattoo) but I do not love this stage of the healing. It is at the peeling and itching like crazy stage. I just want to reach down and dig it off my foot. I say this because it is driving me crazy as I sit here and try to write my post. Makes it hard to think sometimes.


Back to the original post now. As I said in my previous post I made it to my monthly women’s bible study at church last night. Well I guess that would really be two nights ago now seeing as it is already Friday as I write this. The leader is the ministers wife she is a minister as well. They went to school together to do this.

She showed a video of Joyce Myers called the 7 secrets of a confident women. They are…………….

Secret #1—A Confident Woman Knows That She Is Loved

Secret #2—A Confident Woman Refuses To Live In Fear

Secret #3—A Confident Woman Is Positive

Secret #4—A Confident Woman Recovers From Setbacks

Secret #5—A Confident Woman Avoids Comparison

Secret #6—A Confident Woman Does Not Live In “If Only” And “What If”

Secret #7—A Confident Woman Takes Action

Why she was talking about these all I could do was sit there and think what happen? Where did I go? That use to be me. I use to be so confident and never cared what anyone thought and wouldn’t take no for an answer or let a bump along the way stop me. Now I fight to drag myself out of bed and get the things I need to do done. Much less be confident.

Loved I don’t feel loved by anyone any more. Why would I no one seems to have anything good to say and always has something to say about anything I do. The kids its a fight to get them to do anything at all even take care of their self and shower is a fight. They don’t feel they should have to do anything and complain about everything. Nothing is ever good enough or just ok or looked as it is my life I decide what to do with it and even though it isn’t what you would do don’t mean it is wrong. Lately I keep hearing you can’t be loved over an over in my head and the things that were said when me and RC were arguing.

A confident women don’t live in fear. It seems I don’t make a move with out thinking so and so is going to say this and such and such is going to start about that. I don’t want to hear what that one has to say when they find out. Like I have to answer to them or something. I know I don’t but I still don’t feel like talking about it or listening to it. Then feeling guilty for doing something when there is really nothing to feel guilty about. It was my decision and I did what I wanted or what I wanted felt was best.

I don’t feel positive at all any more. It seems that no matter what I do or try to do how good it seems to be going something comes along and it turns into a mess. About the only thing I can say I am positive of is that whatever it is something will happen to keep it from happening or working out the way I would like. I really try hard not to look at things that way and feel that way. I go into things feeling and thinking this is it its going to be great and it still ends up not working.

Recovers from set backs. Setbacks use to be nothing more than something for me to over come and say see I could do it no matter what happens or tries to stop me. I had so many set backs trying to buy my house I know my poor boss was ready to throw in the towel and give up. But I go in he said this came up they said this we can’t close now until it is taken care of or it looks like it isn’t going to work out. I just look at him say what do they want I will make it happen and I would. We had I think 4 closing dates before we finally closed and there were a ton of things that happen before we even could get a closing date. There was no giving up or forgetting it. I was that way with everything. Now with all that has happen over the years I feel like I live in one big set back that I am never going to get out of so why try. I still do try at times but I feel that there is so much stacked against me that this is it.

A Confident Woman Avoids Comparison, I think this is the only one that I really don’t do. I am not sure why and I may in sometimes. But for the most part I don’t feel that anyone is any better or any less than I am. I know the things I want and I work to get them. It don’t bother me if others have things or what they have. I just figure they got theirs and I will get mine in time if it is I’m supposed to.

Ah the good old “If only’s” And “what if’s” I have never really had a problem with the what if’s because if they happen then you do what you have to do get through them and move on. Not something to worry about because what if I never did anything because of what might happen? Then I would never leave my house and have a life. The if only’s I have said if only this or that but mostly just in passing joking or just a in our dreams kind of thing. Never really feeling that if only I had this or that things would be better. But lately I have lived with the if only’s and the what if’s. If I had more money was able to just go out and work whatever job and hours like father of the year and rc me and the kids would be a lot better off. I wouldn’t have to worry about what is going to happen once we are on our own again. But that comes up a lot. That leads to the what if we end up homeless again or how do we not end up homeless again and not have to live the way we are now with everyone unhappy. I feel if only things had turned out different than they did when I was out the first time.

A confident women takes action. Again use to be me a set back came up, and what if happen it wasn’t a big deal. I just go into what needs to be done to fix it how do we make that happen? What if we do this and this. It isn’t working ok then do it this way or fight for it because it is supposed to work or be that way. Now I feel like I am beat down and wore out. I feel that I am tired of being the one to always take action and have to handle everything. I am tired of being the one to always take action and fix everything or try to. I am tired of always being the one fighting to make sure everything is being done right and making sure it is if it wasn’t. I feel like I have no more action or fight left in me. I feel like I have no more energy in me to do anything. Like I said I fight to get out of bed most days and be any kind of productive where am I supposed to get the energy to take action on anything else.

I feel like why do any of this when no one cares and all I hear is how I should have done this I needed to do that, I didn’t do this and that over there is just not right. Why even care and why do more than just get through a day and day to day things.

I really don’t know how to get back to where I was and how I use to be. I have often thought about this and how I lost myself and everything I was over the last few years or more. Mostly the last year or so that I was with father of the year and he did me the way he did and treated me how he did and still to this day the way he dose and treats me still and I feel stuck and as if I can’t get a way from it or out of it. It is hard to believe that a person can make such a 360 degree turn around from what they where and what they are now and not even notice until its to late and it is done. I feel like someone just took that part of me and erased it from ever existing but there is that little part of me that knows it did but I can’t get it back or prove it. I feel like but an empty shell trying to figure out what to do and where to go from here and how to get there.



Grandma's Angel

Grandma’s Angel

I got my mom and my grandma this angel about 13 years ago for Christmas. My grandma seen hers but didn’t know it was hers and went on and on about how pretty it was and how much she liked it. It reminded me of her because she always had the kids at her house grandkids great grandkids were always running around.

Well my Grandma had a heart attack in October then december she had another really bad one and was in the hospital for a long time in and out. She was there at Christmas time and was out didn’t know anything. She ended up passing a way the next day on my 20th birthday. She never got to open her angel or even know that it had been for her all that time. I had bought them in July and put them up for Christmas.

Last year when I was staying with RC I had my stuff stored at a “friends” house. She let her grandkids come in go through my stuff and the only things that went missing were this and a couple other things I had she knew ment anything to me. She asked me to move the stuff she had some people coming. I told her that RC was at work and that he had burnt his foot really bad the day before on hot charcoal when we were watching fireworks on the 4th of July. I told her I would talk to some of the guys around there that we knew and see if I paid them if they would move it for me but it would be that evening when they got off work. She knew I had all the kids and couldn’t do it plus with my back and neck I can’t. She got mad called the manager told her I said I wouldn’t move it and all kinds of stuff. Then called her granddaughters to come over there. Well I guess they just went through it got what they wanted and left the rest. There was nothing I could do about it I couldn’t prove they got it and she wasn’t going to admit it.  That was the end of our friendship. I couldn’t believe she would do such a thing because I didn’t rush over as soon as she called with 5 kids and move it was still weeks before she even needed the room but I was willing to pay people to move it that night. This is a women who 98% of the time came over and had dinner with us I took her or gave her left overs to have for lunch and everything else. We took her out with us a few times. I had taken her to the doctor because she was afraid to go that far in her car and drive didn’t really know where she was going and her grandkids wouldn’t take her. I had taken her friend about 80 miles away for a SSI meeting because she don’t drive and again her car wouldn’t make it and she was afraid to get out there and drive in the traffic to get there. Everyone was shocked and surprised when she did us that way and when I went off on her. I was so mad I don’t have a lot of stuff like that sitting around I had one little shelf with stuff on it in my house and that was it that had nic nacks and things on it. They were things that meant something to be that was it. Then she went and let someone take all of them.

I know it isn’t the same as having the one I got and have had all these years. But I would love to find another one like it to have. If anyone knows where I could find another I would love to try and get one. I just think she is so pretty and then all the kids around her. My grandma had 60 and 70 kids, grandkids and great grandkids this just seemed so fitting for her. Everyone always commented on her when they would come over and see her. I called her grandma’s angel.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: