Single___Parent___Life











{September 11, 2020}   All Things Relationship

I have talked to Bff a lot the last few days. This in turn has had me thinking about relationships and the way we do thing. Makes me wonder what everyone else thoughts and feelings are on some thing’s as well.

I will do a follow up post this weekend with my answers and all of your in put. I look forward to seeing if more of you see things the way I do or the way Bff see’s them. I will give you her point of view on thing’s as well.

Let’s start with the basics.

Do you feel there are things you should know before you consider a relationship/dating someone?

What things do you want to know upfront?

Do you feel there is a difference in dating and being in a relationship with someone?

If so what is the difference in the two?

If not why do you feel there isn’t?

Can you see/talk to others if you are dating/in a relationship?

When you start a relationship/dating do you go into it expecting it to last or just see what happens?

Are you currently single?

Do you have kids at home?

Do you think your answers would be different if you did/didn’t have kids?

At what point do you introduce your children to the person you are in a relationship with/dating?

I hope you all take the time to answer and share. I am really interested in everyone’s answers.

 

 



{September 3, 2020}   We Had A Talk

Finally had another talk with JW about a week ago about not being happy with sex still and nothing changing after our first talk. It was okay he wasn’t happy and on the defensive side. That really is understandable and to be expected.

We were laying in bed and he started and it wasn’t going well be finally stopped. He was going to go find the bottle of lube I told him not to bother. Of course he was wanting to know what was wrong and everything. I asked him if I could ask him something. He said yes was annoyed. I was trying to figure out how to ask make it sound right. He said something i said just forget it. He didn’t like that. Was asking what was wrong. I told him I wasn’t into it or enjoying it that I hardly do. He ask what was wrong. I told him I was trying to figure it out. He asked if it was from what happen in the past. I told him no he got all so it’s me? What are you trying to figure out? Why are trying to figure me out? Why haven’t you said something before now.

I said why would I you get all mad and act like I am attacking you. I said and you don’t listen and tell me story of your life you can never please me anyway.

He said when did I say that I haven’t said that to you. I said oh but yes you did the last time we were talking about this before work one morning. Instead of having a conversation you got all mad and attacked me. He just got quite. I said I’m not going to talk to you if your going to get all mad and attack me. I am not going to be done that way. I will just figure out how I am going to handle it and do. I said I am not mad at you, I am not attacking you, I’m not trying to fight. I just want to have a conversation about what is going on.

I said I’m not saying anything if your fault. I said I figure from thing’s you have said the way you do,talk and get defensive it’s because of how things were in your past. By this point I had ask him how sex was in the past for him. He said it was okay. I could tell by the way he said it he didn’t want to answer. He said with my last that is all it was about with her. It was okay I’m done hurry up get off me.

I said I can tell you are are always in such a rush or hurry. I told him I can tell he isn’t really into it that makes it hard for me. That I’m not ready and then to feel rushed makes it hard. That I don’t need to find lube I need him to not rush. I need him to slow down and really enjoy it not just do it to get off or because I want it.

He relaxed some and calmed down. He wasn’t as defensive. We talked for a bit. He really listened and gave feedback and input. I think he seen I really wasn’t trying to attack him or say he was wrong or what he was doing was wrong he was just wrong. That like with me he has dealt with things in the past that he has adapted to and he is just use to doing. He has to realize it and take steps to do things differently until it just because his new normal. I understand that and okay with that and know that it takes time. But he also has to be open to talking and know if I say hey I’ve notice this or that lately that I’m just trying to help. I think he will be more open to talking in the future.

Things have been so nice since we have talked. He seems to be enjoying things much more now. I feel like I can actually do something without feeling like I’m doing something wrong.

I hope thing’s keep going well. That we can keep having conversations without feeling attacked or getting defensive.



{August 20, 2020}   Here or There Not Happy Anywhere

As I told you in close encounters of the covid kind

I am at JW’s house since i got off work last night. I could of went home but it is nice to have a little break. But I feel so uneasy and stressed. When I am here I feel like I need to be there and when I am there, I feel like I need to be here or should be. I just want here and there to be one so badly. I am so stressed over it all.

I told JW my test came back negative that I wanted to go home but I didn’t. He said yes but I needed to go home and see my kids. I told him how it is right now that I walk through say hi and go sit in my room. He said oh. He said it’s up to you. But he don’t seem to excited that I’m not going home. I said something about it he said no he loves having me here. But that he kept me awake last night and things. He tossed and turned all night last night. I don’t know what is wrong. He tells me a lot of times he does. I was already stressed so it did wake me up but it wasn’t like I was mad or worried about it. I was just asking if something was wrong or what. I was hoping we would get to talk some tonight or this weekend why I was here. We have been talking more it has been nice but it seems like some thing has been bothering him for a bit now it seems like. But he don’t say anything.

He is so different than what I am use to being with. Then me doing with all I am and have and trying not to bring past things into our relationship. We are just going to have to sit down and really talk about us our relationship. Not us what we need to do or want to do or working on or any of that. But us how we feel about our relationship between us. I don’t want to go through the motions hoping or thinking. I want us to make sure we work on that bond and why we want the things we do. Not let that all get lost in what we want or have to do.

Last night I went shopping after work to pick up some things I needed and picked up something to make for dinner. I came home and started dinner then ran and picked him up. He walked the dog while I finished dinner. We had to run to the store then we came home he took a shower. I went ahead and took one was going to get a drink sit down with him for a bit. Then i came to get a drink and started cleaning the kitchen. I had made comments hoping he would do them why I got my shower or put dinner away or help me but he didn’t. He went laid on the bed and watched tv.

He kept telling me leave them come lay down. But like i told him why we were out I got stuff for tonight I had things to do today wouldn’t have time. Until time to cook I didn’t want to do them then. A few times he asked me if I wanted him to help me. I didn’t say anything. He went back in the room. We talked back and forth why I did them. I say room its one big room with wall in the middle to make a bedroom there is no door. Its like a studio almost.

It kind of made me mad. I felt he should of just came and helped or done them if he cared. I am not going to ask him to help me or tell him he has to or ask him to in that situation. I feel like I cooked he should of said here you cooked let me take care of that or it’s late let me help you so your not here all night. He even said something about how long it took me. Don’t get me wrong he wasn’t saying to be nasty or mean or in a way. Just that he didn’t think it would take me so long or shouldn’t have. I was hurting wasn’t rushing. I don’t know maybe I am wrong to feel that way.



After dealing with R.C and Father of The Year I don’t like me. I don’t like the way I feel in a relationship anymore. I don’t like that I can’t decide if there really is something wrong or if it’s just me. I hate how needy and clingy I feel.

I don’t feel loved, I don’t feel that closeness, that connection, that bond. I feel like friends and not even friends with benefits. It’s so hard to explain or for me to even under really. I know things are all messed up because of the way things are right now with the kids not knowing. Nothing being open not being able to do things go places. And then there is the issue of sex and things as well. It is all just getting to me. The fact I hate my life right now the way me and the kids are living. The fact I can’t get out of it. Everyone is unhappy.

But things with JW were good and I was happy there other than the one issue we have going on. But I was still happy and still felt loved and like a couple. Now I just don’t know, I feel like when it comes to affection and things he keeps me at arms length. At the same time. I feel like maybe it’s just me and how I am that makes me feel that way. Or maybe I’m not getting close or letting him be closer because I’m scared of the bottom falling out and getting hurt.

I know we have been together 7/8 months we are falling into that normal for us routine. Thing’s aren’t going to be like they were in the bargaining. The new is fading this is us now. But at the same time I feel like we are pulling away from each other. Well I feel he is and I am wanting to be clingy and need that extra. I was never that way before. But it’s like once we hit that settled this is us, this is our normal then it is going to end. Because when I get comfortable it always ends. How do I get past that feeling? How do I get past the feeling of needing that extra from him?

I think he is happy he called me every night he was away not just the one time I asked him to. He stayed on the phone for an hour or more everytime. He keeps telling me now how he can’t wait until things are different we have a place together. How he can’t wait to fall a sleep with me and wake up to me in the morning. How much better we will both sleep and talks about wanting to take the kids and do stuff with them spend time with them do for them. This is just random out of the blue not like we will be talking about things or anything.

I can’t get past the feeling he just settled either. I know everyone is different. But then he say’s why didn’t we see each other back in the day. Why didn’t we talk before now. Had I known what was going on and thing’s. He wish we gotten together years ago when we found each other.

He ask what’s wrong sometimes and I say nothing. He don’t like it but he don’t push it. But I don’t know how to tell him or if I should. Some thing’s I want him to know there is an issue with still. I want to tell him how I feel and that I am scared. But at the same time, I don’t want him to feel he is doing something wrong or I am saying it’s his fault. Just how I feel and what I need right now. I keep telling myself the way things are is my fault once things change maybe it will be better. Not to say anything or he may leave. I think i don’t want him to leave. But at the same time it’s like okay fine let him if that is to much for him. Better to find out now than later on. But i so want to be with him and care about him and feel good about us all as a family. I don’t want to lose him. I just don’t know anymore.



{August 1, 2020}   He Called Me Last Nigh

We talked for about an hour last night when he got done with the kids and back to the motel. He messaged me a few times during the day. Something was said. He asked what was wrong. I ask if he would call me later. I told him once he was done for the night before he went to bed was fine if he felt like it. That I didn’t want to get into it right then at work. He said okay he hope everything was alright.

I told him it was fine not to worry go enjoy his time with the kids and graduation. He said okay he would call me. Later that night I was sitting there watching tv and got a few messages. He sent me pictures of him and the kids. He looks so happy. He said he is, he is loving it. They were all out to eat it was kind of late. I didn’t figure I would hear from him. It was okay because I know how it is when you get busy with the kids as it is. But then when he hasn’t seen them in so long and everything going on. I was about to turn everything off and go to bed and the phone rang.

He said his oldest had left before graduation she had to get back to work and they only had so many tickets. The other kids were home and coming to spend the day with him today.

He said he was sitting outside at the motel. He was talking about seeing everyone and talking with all of them. That everything was going well. They all had been decent and just hanging out talking.

He was a little aggravated and said he found some thing’s out he didn’t know before. I guess his son got into some trouble a few years ago. His ex wife tried to call him and the girlfriend answered the phone. She refused to wake him up because he was sleeping. They got into it on the phone. I guess she never told him and the other didn’t call back. I don’t blame her for not calling back. We talked about that I said something about my ex him not knowing anything about my kids. How Little ones dad has only seen her once and things. Some how him and his trip came up.

I told him how we went from him wanting to get married and me to adopt two of his kids. To I don’t want any of this

He was shocked. I thought I had told him before but I guess I hadn’t. It came up he was talking about being glad he left finally and things. How it would of ended bad had he stayed. I said that was how it was with my ex husband. But that it was hard when it was me and RC. Because we had only had one real fight and where we were at when he did this. So i was blindsided. How I help him find his daughter encouraged him to and was done this way. He was shocked. It isn’t something I talk about or tell many people so I may not have told him.

We ended up talking for an hour. His mom was going to sleep everyone was gone. He went in shortly after we started talking and she was laying down. So at least I didn’t feel bad about keeping him on the phone. He didn’t seem in a hurry to get off either. He said a few times I miss you so much. It’s going to be so hard to leave but I want to come home and see you. I tossed and turned and this morning I kept waking up you weren’t there. I am so use to you being there in the mornings.

He was talking about the kids he said I held it together when my oldest left but it was so hard. He said I didn’t want to let her go and wanted to cry. Knowing its going to be so long or who knows how long before I am going to see them. I said I told you let’s move up there be closer to your kids have all the kids close. He didn’t miss a beat he said lets do it. Lets pack and go. I said I really mean it honey. He said me too I would love to be closer to my kids. Even if we went to South Carlina it isn’t far it is right over the boarder.

I told him my friend wants me to go to SC next month for 3 or 4 days a week. He ask if I was going I said I didn’t know. I needed to work and things. He said what about the kids? I said honey she wants all of us to come. He said oh I thought she just wanted you. I said no honey they are like family they love my kids my kids love them. They want us all to come. He sounded a little surprised. He said I have to work I have my trip in December. I said I know. I probably won’t get to go because I am just staying a float right now. I can’t afford to take off. It would be so nice to live closer to them all we could drive over for the day or what. I said if I went next month I may not come back. Not even to get my stuff. I may just stay and not come back at all. He said I don’t blame you one bit. It is so nice being with my kids, I just want to see and be with you too. I said you know I’m down to move and told you I go to Ga or Tenn to be closer to your kids. He said I could go back to work over there where I was working you could find office something really easy. Let’s do it lets move. So I guess we are going to talk about that when he gets back. Hope make a solid plan and start looking for areas and houses and jobs. He sounded so happy on the phone and looked so happy in the pictures he sent. I think he had just forgot what it was like to be out of here and away from here. To be with his kids and things.

He had been in the situation he was in down here for so long with his ex girlfriend and stayed cut off from everything and everyone for so long. When you live like that with the drinking and abuse so long you get out you don’t know what to do or how to react because it’s like the would moved on without you and you are in this time warp like trap. I think this made see there are still people who care and really do want him around and don’t hold it against him that he wasn’t there as he should of been and things. I can’t wait until he gets back we get to talk.

I never did come out and tell him what was bothering me on the phone. I told him about RC leaving going on his trip and all that. But because we were talking about something else. I don’t think he put 2 and 2 together. Be didn’t know what was really going on how I was feeling.

After we hung up I messaged him told him thank you for calling me we never talk on the phone. I didn’t want to bother him why he was away.

He said thanks for what? I told him for calling me. He said I told you I would. I said I know I didn’t want to ask you to and bother you on your trip. But it has been a hard few days. I told him how everything about RC hit me the other morning before I got out of bed. He said he was sorry and I wasn’t bothering him. He was sorry he wasn’t here for me. I told him it was something I just need to deal with if it wasn’t now it would be another time. If he hadn’t went now then I would be dealing with it at Christmas. So I am glad it is now. I told him I knew things were different. But just dealing with all the thoughts popping up.

Like I said before, you can work on yourself forever but there are somethings that just can’t be dealt with or worked on until you are dealing with it again. If i was with someone and they never went on a trip it would never be an issue. But I am with someone he went away and it has hit. Now I have to work on it and fix or heal that part. Seeing that he calls or messages why he is gone and comes home and everything is fine is what is going to let me work through it. That is what is going to let me be okay next time or one day down the road. it may take a few trips before I stop feeling the way I do. Who knows. But it is a start. If this storm lets him he will be home tomorrow around 4 i think. If he gets delayed because of the storm then hopefully Monday sometime. I hope it is tomorrow I kind of hope it is Monday. Monday early we could spend some time together.

I am still having thoughts my mind going over all the what if’s and just over all missing him.

 



{June 6, 2020}   Another Horrible Thursday

Why does everything happen on Thursday? Maybe I should skip Thursday from now on.

Me and J.W had a talk finally. It wasn’t a good time but it just happen, I couldn’t really help it. I went over and was laying there. He was back and forth between being awake and a sleep. Normally I will sleep an hour or so once I get there. I just could not get comfortable I guess you could say. I just kept thinking about what is going on and a small conversation we had a few hours before. I finally got up went sat on the couch. I covered up with a sheet he had out there was sitting there doing stuff on my phone. I knew it wasn’t the right time to say something and I just couldn’t lay there next to him anymore and not.

He came out there wanted to know what was wrong. I said I was thinking or something. He wanted to know why I came out there. He got a little aggravated I didn’t say anything. Finally I said something. A lot was said it is hard to remember everything that was. It happen so fast we had to get to work and things. We left 30 minutes late even because I wasn’t leaving in the middle once it was started.

He said I was acting this way because we didn’t have sex in the morning? That he just wasn’t into it or had to get ready or what. I said no its we hardly at all and then maybe every 5th time I enjoy it kind of. Any other you jump up in the middle go on. Your done that’s it everyone is if not to bad.

He started no I don’t what do you mean stop in the middle? Then looks at me and says story of my life I can never please you. Wow that went through me. I said what really you can never please me? Fine don’t worry about it if that is how you feel. Maybe us isn’t a good idea after all if that is how you feel. I didn’t know I was so hard to please and keep happy.

No no that isn’t how I meant it. We been together what 5 or six months now I’m just not use to things they are different than what I am use to. I said so what is wrong if I am doing something wrong tell me. I had already ask him to start with if i did something or said something or if this was because of what I told him. He kept saying no nothing was wrong I hadn’t done anything he was happy with me. So I said what are you not use to? Because I didn’t know I was doing anything. He said the way you treat me. I’m not use to it. I said what do you mean I don’t treat you no way. How do I treat you? He said good, really good okay. I’m not use to it i have dealt with a drunk for the last 8 years who treated me like crap didn’t care about me. Sex was alright get off me leave me alone.

We kind of went in circles and I finally got up to leave. I didn’t want to be late he already was. We got to work he said have a good day, see you later. I said yeah a good day I guess so. He said again why you going to be that way? Nothings wrong. Something about sex in the morning. He said bye got out.

I messaged him said how out of this whole conversation do you get that what is wrong is you don’t want to have sex in the morning? And that there is nothing wrong?

How are you aggravated with me because I’m not happy? Then turn around and tell me story of your life you can never make me happy. Like I bitch or complain all the time.

He said he wasn’t aggregated then said wow you are going to be like that.

I said what you said it not me. One thing one thing ever I am unhappy say something about that is what you say to me.

I told him I feel like there is this huge hole in our relationship. That I am so happy with us otherwise. That I wasn’t trying to attack him or make him feel bad. I have never dealt with this before I am the best I can. I told him I love him care about him. Our relationship. That if I didn’t i wouldn’t of said anything I would of just walked away.

He finally replied and said he loves me and cares about me. How sorry he was for making me feel this way.

I told him

I know sometimes you can’t or things happen once we start. Like we talked about the other day. You say you don’t know or why what’s wrong. I feel like you think that is what I am upset about or mad about maybe why your so upset with me over the way I feel. But I promise you that isn’t the issue or why I am mad at all. I understand. That i just want to figure things out so we can both be happy.

Because he still never brought it up. But I also got the feeling that is what he thinks I am really upset about. It isn’t easy for him to talk about it.

He said he knew and he wanted to too. He told me again he loved me.

We talked a little more after work when I picked him up. We sat there on the couch talked about different things. That some. I was getting ready to go said something about making a vet appointment for the dog and a doctor’s appointment for Little Bitty.

He said yeah I need to find a doctor and something about getting his arm checked out. Then he said go get everything checked out. See what is going on. He pulled me over to him.

I got in the truck it was starting to rain. He said man I was so worried about you this morning after you dropped me off and left for work. He said it was raining bad. You were so upset. He said I was glad when you said you were at work.

I do think he is happy and that he really does care. I think this is just a hard subject to talk about for a lot of people and then him to have the other issue makes it worse. No one wants to hear there are issues.

I think I know where the story of my life can never please you or what thing came from. I thought of it later. His ex wife cheated on him. He came home from work sick and caught them. He worked over nights. Then he told me this last on cheated on him with other guys and women. Drank and was nasty on top of it. All his friends talk about how she is and was and why he stayed so long.

I don’t know what happen between him and the two of them other than that. He don’t talk about it. But i am guessing if they both cheated this is probably why. I don’t know what lead to that if they talked about there being an issue, fought about it or how it was handled. If it was maybe they just cheated. I could see the last one being nasty about it. I don’t know his ex wife to have any idea how or if it came up what was said or done. Before she cheated. I mean he in his 40 now its not easy to talk about i can imagine how it was with his ex in his 20 30 to have issues. I can see him getting defensive and bothered by it. I honestly didn’t think about them cheating on him and things. How things may have been handled in the past.

But i don’t want to cheat and I don’t want it to be an issue between us. This is why I brought it up. But I am sure it brought more than just us up. But I was surprised when he said he needed to go to the doctor and get everything checked out and taken care of. I think like he said I do treat him good and he knows I care about him. I am not just trying to fight or nit picking over things. Yesterday Friday when I was there before work we were laying there talking and things.  He said I want to make you happy in all areas of our relationship. Not just some. He was sorry about the last few days and things.

Like he said I think our situation right now makes things a little harder as well. I agree with that to a point. I think things changing will help but I don’t think it’s going to make it 100% better. I think it is going to be something we have to work at and it is going to be an on going conversation and work. But I think it is something he will be more open to. He see’s I do care and I’m not wanting to fight or just walk away. That I understand and care.

I feel a lot better since we talked.



{May 28, 2020}   Re:Dose He Really Care

We haven’t really talked but I got some answers this morning. I came in and laid down like I always do in the morning. We started messing around. But it didn’t really end up going any further than that. He was bothered by it and kept saying he was sorry. That he didn’t know what was wrong.

I ask him if it was something that just started and he said no. He said it always happens or had been for a while. Of course it was really bothering him he didn’t want to talk about it. Not a lot to talk about really I guess. I don’t blame him for being upset bothered by it. I didn’t know what to say to him. He kept saying sorry. I told him it was alright that I understand, it isn’t a big deal. He was saying it is he so sorry. I just told him I love him it really is okay, not to worry about it, I’m not going to go any where because of something like that. We would figure it out work through it together. He just smiled, hugged and kissed me told me he loved me.

It isn’t his fault and it is a medical problem I am sure. Now it is just a matter of how to help him and work through it. I think once we talk about why I wasn’t happy that will help both of us. I am not sure how much it will help him because there are a few factors that are at play with him one big one being medical. If we can’t work together and come out with something that makes us both happy then he may have to see a doctor. I do not know how open to that he is. I guess we will cross that bridge if we get there. I hope it don’t come to that. But if it dose it isn’t a big deal to me don’t bother me. He doing what he needs to do to be happy or what. Not a big deal.

See he only has one testicle. I forget if he said he was born that way or something wasn’t right they had to take it out when he was a baby. If he has always had a problem like he said I am betting that is why. He had a few times he had a little bit of an issue since we been together but not much and not enough to be an issue.

The reason I’m not happy was because I feel like he rushes when we have sex lately. It’s like no for play nothing. It is hard for me to be into it. I wondered if it was because he is worried if he don’t as soon as he ready we won’t be able to. If it was more of an issue than he wanted to say. I thought when I ask him if he enjoyed it and was happy or if something was wrong he maybe say something. When i said i wasn’t I figured when I said why it would come up. But he never asked why or wanted to know. So it didn’t come up.

I wanted him to tell me if he was having a problem vs. asking or what make him more worried about it. I am headed to pick him up in just a few. I am going to tell him I want to talk tonight about this morning and Monday. Get some things straight. Hope he opens up. Now i feel we can talk since I know for sure what is wrong. I don’t feel like I’m going to make him feel like I am mad or attacking him if that makes since.



{May 28, 2020}   Dose He Really Care?

Monday was a holiday and I spent half the day or so with J.W. I went over early and we slept for a while. As you know from my post Depression, Anxiety and Quarantine things have not been great in the bedroom (TMI sorry).  Well things didn’t go so well Monday I finally decided to say something to him. He could tell something was wrong he asked a few times.

I decided to ask him a few questions to try and figure out what was wrong or if something was wrong. If I had said or done something. It is hard not really knowing about that part of his past to much. To know if maybe something from there or just what is wrong.

He said everything was fine I came right out asked him about sex he said it was fine he was happy. He ask what was wrong again. I told him i wasn’t really happy or enjoying it. He told me not to feel that way and changed the subject.

This point I was hurt and a little mad. He wanted to go eat was telling me to get up and where did I want to go. I was just short with him and told him I really did not care. He comes back with I just wanted to have a nice day you. I said so did I. He said is this all because you think I don’t enjoy sex? Because I told you I do.

Now I was mad I already told him and I wasn’t yelling but I was loud and angry. I said well I’m not. He just looked at me for a minute and says I didn’t know I’m sorry blah blah. Where you want to go eat blah blah. I am just looking at him. At that point I just wanted to leave. But I got ready and we went to lunch. I figured maybe we would talk then or once we got back but nope nothing as if I never said anything at all.

I dropped him off and went home. I was upset and sick all evening/night over it. I was really thinking about having nothing to do with him any more at that point. But aside from this things really are good and I am so happy.

It was late but I finally messaged him after deciding what I wanted to say. I started off with

I don’t know what to say about this morning, honey. I feel like I should say sorry but I can’t say sorry for how I feel. But today has bothered me all night.

He says its okay I didn’t have to say sorry.

I told him how happy i am with our relationship how we laugh all the time and joke when we are together. And we do we are always laughing when we are together. That we are there for each other whatever happens to help the other out. How it is nice to have that.

He said yes he was glad to and loved it and was happy to help and wanted to anyway he could.

I told him but it’s also hard to be with someone you can’t talk to about things that are important or that are bothering you. You always ask what’s wrong or say somethings bothering me. Want to know what. I tell you we sort of talk about it or i say what i have to say and its on to something else. Anymore i feel like why say anything. Just leave it alone forget it. But i can’t do that. I can’t just stuff it forget it and slap on that pretend happy face until its forgotten or next time. Nor do i want to. Because when that happens it’s the be gaining to the end. I don’t want our relationship to end not over something like not being able to talk about things.

I told him how when I did say again I wasn’t happy how he blew me off and didn’t bother to ask why I wasn’t happy? Felt the way I did or even want to know anything how it made me feel. That I asked questions trying figure out if something was wrong or what. All I got was no nothings wrong I told you. I wanted to have a good day too. Sorry.

I told him how I felt how I feel don’t matter how I just wanted to go home instead of lunch. How yes I got quite because I didn’t know what else to do. I had already told him how I felt and got no where. What else was I supposed to do? Why else would I say anything? What was the point? That I did not want to fight I am so tired of fighting. I just wanted to talk and work it out. But that didn’t happen. That I felt like I am just here until something else comes along or he gets tired of me or finds someone else.

He say’s no he cares how I feel, he don’t want anyone else but me. Still no nothing about why we are having this conversation. Why I am not happy or anything yet. Still as if that was never said and the only thing wrong is that i am upset about the way he did.

So I said I want to tell the kids im excited and scared about it already. Then today just makes me second guess myself wonder if its a good idea. I don’t want that. Im dealing with myself and the past enough with out the added what ifs. I still don’t feel good been sick all evening over it.

All he says is don’t be scared I want to be with you and sorry you been sick.

I told him i know I have dealt with a lot in the past. I know somethings bother me that shouldn’t. But that I don’t say anything because I know it is me not him. That is why this bothers me so much now. Because i am not like a lot of people who are always questioning everything or upset about things that really aren’t a big deal or blow things up. That then this is how I am done when something is a real issue and I say something.

He just says don’t keep it in tell me when something is bothering you. I told him I know he is use to always fighting and things that I really don’t want to. I just want to talk work things out. That if I wanted to just fight I would of earlier. I told him I care how he feels and if something is wrong. That we just need to talk. He said okay babe we will talk some more. I’m sorry and I love you. That was it.

Here we are two days later not a word about what happen that day or why I am not happy or anything else at all. I don’t know how to feel. What to think or how to handle it. I feel that it has now been made clear to him 3 times. The ball is in his court. If he cares like he says then he needs to step up and say something.

Because as far as I’m concerned at this point we had one small but important issue that could of been worked out in 10 minutes of conversation. But now has lead to the issue of him blowing me off and now acts as if nothing happen. Not bringing it back up and the fact that when i am so very bothered by something and flat out say I am not happy he still has not once asked the simple question of why even. That just stands out to me more than anything.

If be said to me look I told you this is bothering me or look I am not happy. First thing I would want to know is why? It is as if it has not even crossed his mind. I wonder how is that not even occured to him even when I have said you didn’t even ask this, this or this. I know guys think different than us. I know it is not an easy subject for him to talk about. I also know that he had a medical issue or what before. I don’t know if that is part of the problem and he is scared to tell me because he is scared I will leave or say something. But I mean of it is a medical thing I 100% understand and really think that if he knew my issue why I am unhappy it could help with him some too. Again not knowing his past to well when it comes to this kind of things the people he been with or what makes it hard. But medical is not a big deal and an easy to deal with. What I unhappy with is an easy fix as well. But it has turned into all these issues.

I think why am i making excuses for him. But I’m not I am just trying to figure out why we have the first problem that started this whole thing. Then I wonder if this is just showing me that maybe this wasn’t a good idea to get with him it is his true colors coming out. Or has he just not worked through what he has been through with his ex and the effect it has had on him. Is he in denial of it all. Was it just to soon. I have talk to her own family that has told me how things were how they do not know how he stayed and put up with it so long. How much happier he was once he left and how happy he has been since we have been together and things. So I know a lot of what he told me was true. I was worried when we got together it hadn’t been that long how he was going to be going into another relationship.



{May 22, 2020}   6 Days In,

And so far doing pretty good. As I am sure you all probably remember from my post last week Emotional Break Down

I started a low-dose birth control pill and I was worried about taking it. When I took them in the past I did not do well on them. But it really was my only option so I decided to try it. Rather than keep trusting what I have been. Don’t get me wrong I love natural family planing and have used it for years, and used it for years before. But I don’t feel it is the best for me to use at this point in life. Seeing as I do not want anymore kids, me and J.W don’t get a lot of time alone and never know when that is going to be and I worry about it all the time. I don’t know what I would do if I ended up pregnant at this point in life.

I started the pill Sunday when I was supposed to and was a little worried. Okay more than a little worried. I had horrible mood swings, felt physically sick, had no libido and just over all nasty. So I just took it and tried to forget it and not think about it. Wasn’t hard to do as busy as we are at work right now. I take it between 1 and 130 every day. I figured that was a good time because I go to lunch then. I don’t like to take anything when I first get up in the morning and didn’t want to deal with it in the evening or at night when I am so tired and other things to do. I set my alarm already so I won’t forget at lunch or if I am busy and work through lunch or take it early. But I know that being busy in the evening I will turn the alarm off and forget it. This way it is right there in my purse at my desk and I have my drink right there. I can just stop and take it.

I haven’t really noticed any thing to bad. I have been a little moody here and there but not anything that sticks around. I haven’t been feeling depressed lately, I have been in a pretty good mood over all. But I am only 6 days in. I hope that over the next few days/weeks that things don’t change.

Because it looks as if that is going to be what I am going to have to use for a while. I don’t make enough to pay over $300 for for insurance for just myself. I make to much to get Medicaid but am to below poverty level to get help on the market place to get insurance there. I reapplied for medicaid hoping the kids would get their’s back since I lost a job. Thank goodness they did. I on the other hand didn’t even get share of cost so I have no coverage what so ever if anything happens.

I did find out today I can get dental and vision insurance at work for around $30 a month. I do not have to have the medical in order to get them. I am going to cancel a few things and bite the bullet and get it. I really need to get new glasses the ones I have are over three years old and I can tell my eyes are worse. I am have got to get something done with my teeth. I hope to go to the local place over here and get them pulled. I think I can get them done for next to nothing. Then hope that I can use the insurance to get the new ones. If it won’t pay for new ones to at least pay a chunk of the cost or most of the cost for new ones. If not then I have been told that the owner at work will help get them done and then take a little out of your check each month. If he would take a little a month not a chunk each week or huge chunk each week.

All I can do with it all is wait and see and hope it works out.



{May 19, 2020}   No Boyfriend to Married

Me and Little Bitty had a talk again last night. She been in a mood all evening and from what I gathered pretty much all day. As soon as we turned the light out to go to sleep she started crying. I asked what was wrong.

She said she just really wanted to see her dad and for him to see how big she was and how good she is doing. She said she wanted him to be proud of her a do things with her. Get to know him.

I told her that one day I hope he will come around and want to know her as well. I said what if we added a new family memeber to our family?

She said yeah but I just want my dad to do things with.

I told her that if I got a boyfriend then he would or could do dad things with her. That her dad would still be her dad but he would do the dad stuff her dad wasn’t here doing with her. She stop crying and thought about it scooted over closer to me.

She said he would?

I said I bet if we find the right one he would. She said but he would have to like me too not just you.

I said if I had a boyfriend he would have to like all of you not just me.

She said I bet he would have a dog and then our dog would have a friend too. But his dog can’t teach our dog bad habitats. They have to play and get along. I said so you can sleep in your room in your bed take the dogs to snuggle. She said no that is okay I like snuggling you better. He will have to snuggle us and watch Heart Land if he lives with us. You two can watch shows I can’t once I go to sleep.

She thought about it some more and said would he be my other Step dad? I said you don’t have a step dad. She said yes and said Father of the year. I told her he was the other kids dad but not her step dad. That if someone was going to be her step dad that would mean we had to get married. She said okay if you find a good one that likes us and you then I guess that would be okay. If you wanted to get a baby you could do that. I said first off no babies. She said well if you got married you have a baby. I said no I have all the babies that I want. I am not having no more babies. She said okay good I would rather you not. So if you get a boyfriend and you get married don’t be going to the hospital because you will end up with a baby. People go there and if there are two red they are pregnant and get a baby. But if there is just one red then they aren’t pregnant and don’t get a baby. I said two red what? She said I don’t know it is just how it works. You go see if you have one or two reds and find out of your are getting a baby.

She told me again how we could work together at the same job and put our money together to pay bills. That he could live with us if he has a nicer house we could live with him.

She stopped and looked worried for a minute. She said be would have to know there is a granny and she is sassy and not be scared off by her. I said i am sure he would understand their is a granny and I think it would take more than her to scare him off. She said I don’t know. I said don’t worry about it I will handle that. She said okay.

This girl is a trip. She said so much more but I was all but a sleep when this conversation took place. I can’t remember it all. But I find it interesting for now she has went from no boyfriend to married. You can read my post A talk with Little Bitty

I told JW this morning he was like we can skip the married part but I am okay with the rest. But you’re going to need a bigger bed. But that is how he is he would do anything and everything for my kids and with them. He loves kids.



et cetera
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