Single___Parent___Life











{May 14, 2020}   Feeling Loved

Theses are the flowers I got yesterday from JW.

I got there went in he was still sleeping. I went in laid down and woke him up. He looked at me like he was waiting on something.

I said what?

He said something about how I like them? Or didn’t I like them?

Now I am confused and I guess he could tell by the look on my face.

He said the flowers.

Even more confused look than before.

He smiled half laughed and said you haven’t even seen them have you.

Very confused look now. Thinking in my head what flowers? Where was I supposed to of seen them at? Was he dreaming?

He says go look on the stove.

I went and looked there they sat. He went to the store after I dropped him off the night before and got them. He had them all set up so I would see them when I walked in and I would have to walk right next to them to go into his room. Leave it to me to not see them.

When you walk in the front door the living room and kitchen is one area together he is in a 1 bedroom duplex. So to the right on the wall is kitchen to left and right ahead is living room. I went in the dog came out I pet him looked to the left laid my stuff on the couch as I walked into the room and past them. I kind of felt bad he wanted me to find them not tell me to go look for them of course. But we got a laugh out of it.

I took then to work and sat them on my desk since that is where I am most my time will see them most. I don’t have to worry about kids or dog getting to them.

This is what I came into work and found today.

I love how all the little white flowers are coming out in the purple today. They really are pretty.



{February 23, 2020}   Hurting Children

As I sat and reflected on the last month, dealing with the 5th anniversary of my dads death and the major depression that sets in that I can’t shake no matter how hard I try. Then me and Jw getting together and all the changes in my moving plans. The trust issues and all that brought up it has been one hell of a ride to say the least.

When I was thinking about me and Jw and how I just wanted to call things off before they have even had a chance, how I figured if I just told him that one thing, or if he seen me on a bad night when I wasn’t coping well he just walk away. Like all the rest who walked away for much lesser of reasons than what I was thinking about throwing at him. If I just told him all the bad and let him in on it all he run. It show he was lying not in it for the long run, not in it for the reasons he said he was, that he was just saying what I wanted to hear.

I thought about how I finally had to tell him and his responce. I thought about the night we went to the beach and how bff said I cried he just sat and held me. She said you just cried in his arms he just held you pulled you in. She said she was just amazed the way he reacted. He didn’t get mad, ignore me, move away or what. I thought about how he keeps saying he is here for me, to help me anyway he can i will let him. He is fine with handling things with the kids. How he keeps saying he isn’t going anywhere we will figure things out, work through things he isn’t giving up that easy.

As I was thinking about all this, and thinking wow maybe he really means it. He really isn’t going anywhere. This voice in my head said like the kids in foster care who have been hurt, broken and bounced around so much because no one could handle them. They get lucky and find that one person who isn’t going to give up and they don’t believe it’s true. They fight and rebel even harder because it is a battle of the wills between the two. The child knows if they do that one thing it will push the caregiver over the edge they will send them back or walk away like the rest. But the caregiver knows they can’t walk away because it is a test. They have to keep standing firm in what they said show love even if it has to be tuff love sometimes. Because they know the child is scared, hurt, broken and needs time to come around. If they throw in the towel as soon as it gets a little hard they are telling that child the same as everyone else who walked away. It isn’t teaching the child nothing, just reenforcing what they already think and feel.

Us adults at times I think revert to hurt, broken, rebelus kids who have been kicked, knocked down and walked away from. When something good comes along we want to run them off, hurt them before they hurt us.

I know this and have said it about myself before I’m sure. I know I have said it about others. But for some reason thinking about it and myself as the one doing it, putting it in that prospective just made much more since to me. I don’t know why. But it helped a lot.



{October 14, 2019}   Picking up My Truck

I guess I have to bite the bullet and go pick up my truck in the morning. I haven’t heard from the guy in almost a month. I have been trying to get someone to go with me but of course no one can or will. I have avoided it for far to long. One of the owners is going to be in at my day job doing some work I told him today I am going to be late that I had to go pick it up and see what to do from there. I am in one of those weird moods where I don’t not care but that I just don’t want to deal with it and I’m okay with not dealing with it and it just hanging out there. Even though I know it is most likely just getting worse. I care but not enough to do anything about it. Even though I told them I am going to be late tomorrow I am going to have to force myself to go over there.

You know some things you can do without or pay to get done. But there are somethings you can’t just pay someone to do. I know that I know you can’t but I don’t know I thought I could figure out some way to take care of this but I can’t.

Sitting here writing this and thinking about it I don’t know if it is the situation that I am in that bothers me more or the fact that here I sit again alone to handle it all on top of everything else I already take care of alone.



The last week or more I have walked around feeling nothing or dead inside. Knowing things are wrong or not right or even good and just not caring either way and not feeling anything either way. Then all of a sudden Wednesday night yesterday something shifted or swung in another direction and I am all over the place. One minute I’m angry and mad, the next I am in tears feel like everything is spiraling out of control and a mess or that I have dropped the ball and can’t catch it.

I know I am getting things caught up and better off than I was a couple years ago and even a few months ago. But like I said before it don’t get better it just changes. I have the job and money things down and some how making it work I guess.

But now I have the problem with the kids Little Bitty is really having problems with me not being there much. I have never had to leave my kids so much and work so much when my kids were that little. I feel horrible the summer is almost over I haven’t gotten to do anything with them. I have worked. I wanted to take a trip or two when I got this truck and now this shit happen. It is going to cost me more money that i really don’t have with all the work I have missed.

I have to go to the ssi office and deal with them because I haven’t and I know I should of by now. It is just one more thing to do. My to do list is just seems to keep piling up and up. I just don’t feel like it or have to take yet more time off work to take care of it. I haven’t taken myself back to the doctor like I need to, I haven’t gotten other things I need done taken care of. I just don’t know how to find that balance or if I will.

I feel like the closer I get to getting ahead and making things better I just making things worse in other ways. I sit here and think I just want to quit my jobs go home be with my babies. Figure everything out there. Then I tell myself I have to work so that they can have a roof over their head, electric, water, food, you know the basics that no one else cares if they have or not or offers to provide for them or help provide for them. of course that snowballs into thinking about all that and them and how they aren’t doing anything at all but that I am the one catching shit from everyone else because things aren’t up to their standards or because I am working to much and because I am not getting things back on track in the order or how they think I should be or taking care of the kids the way they should be. But no one bats and eye or says a word to the fucking deadbeats that do nothing. How about hunt them down tell them what a horrible parent they are, how they don’t love their kids, or care how they live or what they do or don’t have. How the only one there doing anything for them can’t spend time with them because of the way things are and they are working their ass off to cover it all make it all happen and doing the best they can because they aren’t doing their part or seeing them like they should. instead of just causing problems and making things worse for the one doing it and making them feel bad about everything.

I sit here and wonder why I am doing this, is life worth living? Why is it worth living, what makes it worth living. I know what I have to do, I want to do it but at the same time I just feel like why? Why are we all doing this? Is anyone happy? Is everyone happy and there is just something wrong with me and now I have drug my kids into this miserable unhappy world with me? I Are they going to want anything to do with me when they are older or are they going to leave and not come back around? They say they want to stay with me or live close and always be together and things but do they really mean it? I don’t remember every thinking that I wanted to stay at home or live close to my family or ever feeling close to my family. I never felt loved, don’t remember being happy or feeling happy. I still don’t feel loved, I haven’t felt loved in a very long time. I know the kids do and feel that some of them do. But it’s different everyone knows that. they can’t show or give what I need, in the way it is needed. It isn’t them it they aren’t supposed to. I wonder if they feel anything or if they are walking around like me and just miserable or is it to late have a really failed them or messed them up and are they just dead inside or empty like I have been feeling?

Just writing this I am all over the place up down and unsure of what to think or feel. I plaster on that fake smile and just keep working. There is a driver at my night job that comes in and talks before he goes on his runs or hen he gets back. He was coming in once a week but I hadn’t seen him in a while other than one night when I was leaving and he was. He stopped said hey that was about it. He was driving by as I was getting in the car.

Last night he came in it was his day off he had to talk to them about some time off. His mom has to have a heart thing done. We were sitting and talking and the other guy who works with me at night was on the phone. He said something about him talking in the background, so he said he was going to go outside and smoke, asked if I wanted to come out with him and if I smoked. I told him i didn’t but I walked out and talked to him for a bit. He asked if I wanted to go out grab something to eat and a drink. I told him I couldn’t I had to get home to the kids, I promised my little one I would watch a movie with her when I got home. We all talked some more there in the office until it was time to leave. We all walked out and we were standing there in the parking lot talking. He said well we better go before people start talking.

He keeps asking us if we want to go out after work or if I want to go out after work. He is a nice guy but he’s like 54 or 55 I think. He said his son is going to be 29 and he had him when he was 25. Besides that we work together, I don’t want to go there. Of course find one that is decent and he’s older and works with me. It’s like a cruel joke the world plays. Dangle it just out of reach.

I guess I should get off here, I’m at work, I been here an hour and half an been on here and watching a show. I need to take care of the things that need done here and go take care of this truck and deal with this guy that I really don’t feel like dealing with. I just want it all to go away. Someone twitch your nose, snap their figures and make it all go away or make it all better.



{April 16, 2019}   Maybe It Is The Adventure

I am sitting here at work listening to music on Youtube and this song came on….

I hadn’t heard it util the other day and just really watched the video a few minutes ago. While watching it I thought of how it is getting to know someone new and starting a relationship. It’s like and adventure getting to know each other and doing things together, figuring out each others likes and dislikes and all about them. Is that another reason I have been resisting Special K so much as well? Because the adventure isn’t there? The new isn’t there? We have known each other for so long it feels that there isn’t anything new to figure out?

But then again is that really true? Because yes we know each other and have for a long time, but this would be taking our relationship to a new level and all new grounds and adventures to have and figure out right? I don’t know these are the things my mind wonders to when I have way to much time on my hands to think or find things to keep myself entertained. But it makes since too.

A guy at the store stopped and was talking to me while we were getting gas and all the thoughts you have when you talk to someone for the first time be it a co worker, new friend or just a random whoever at the pump next to you. It is exciting or intriguing to get to know someone. So if you already know them pretty well it seems that there really isn’t anything new there to get to know or discover. I know that isn’t all that there is to a relationship of any kind and it isn’t what is important it was just a thought I had and maybe it was just an extra excuse I gave myself to keep him at arms length so that I didn’t get to close and get hurt. But maybe in doing that I have now hurt myself anyway because I let him get away.

Thinking about it I guess he would be one that was lumped into that category of What Could Of Been

I have been to blind to see that hey maybe here is my chance to have that. Or like I said before to scared to go there because I was to scared of messing it up subconsciously. Maybe now maybe I have messed it up and lost it again.



{February 8, 2019}   Supposed To Be Working

I am sitting here at work supposed to be working and really need to be but I’m not. Instead I am on here and finding anything and everything else that I can to do because I don’t want to be here or to do anything really. Well I do want to do a few things. I want to drink, I want to drink really bad. I just want to start and not stop until whatever happens just happens. I also want to curl up and go to sleep. I want to be held, I want someone to care, to care about me for a change. I want to feel like I matter and not just a convince for everyone.

I am a wreck today. I didn’t get hardly any sleep last night. I worked 13+ hours yesterday. I did my day job then my night job and when I finally got out of there almost a half hour later than we are supposed to I had a repo to do. Mr. Auto and the police department made that take longer and more hassle then it had to be. I called to let them know I picked it up and they couldn’t even find the address that we were at in their records. how is the police department not going to know or be able to pull up an address? What if I needed help or them to send someone and I wasn’t able to talk to them anymore than to give them the address?

The women on the phone had no idea what she was doing. She said I am going to put it in for an officer to come meet you if they need they can call you. They at this point 10 minutes or more into the phone call had no idea what I was even calling for. Someone could be bleeding to death, I could be trapped in a trunk or anything. She wasn’t even going to ask just send someone to where I was at put it in to and hang up.

I finally said look I do not need you to send anyone out or want you to. I am calling to tell you I am getting ready to take this car it is a repo. I am sitting here by it. She started saying something. I said look I am getting in it now I just need you to document it and make the report. I am driving it away right now so don’t send anyone you don’t have to they never do. I will not be here, I am about to hit 95 south. She said okay that is fine what do you need from me then. I said just document it so that if it gets called as stolen or I get pulled over. I need the report number your name and call time. She said okay. She never did get all the information that she needed from me. She ask for the tag and if these were the people that was it and gave me the numbers that I needed. She never took the vin or anything else like that. Not my problem I had all mine and did everything legal. I had all my paperwork if they had stopped me. I just wanted her to put it in because the tag was dead I didn’t want to get pulled over on the road out there. If they run the tag and see it was just repo they know your taking it back to the lot your not just out running around or the one responsible for that part of things and it is a repo so not a lot more needs said if the people were doing what they were supposed to we wouldn’t have it.

It should of never taken as long as it did to do. Between her and Mr. Auto telling me to do it all ass backwards It took about 30 to 45 minutes longer than it should have. So on top of working 13 plus hours it didn’t leave much time for sleep last night. I was crying before I could even fall a sleep. Today being the day my dad passed. I did really good all week. But after I was able to sit down and just try and relax and sleep it hit me like a brick.

I have worked but not like I should be. I found things to keep me busy but didn’t get things I really needed to done. I have to play catch up today to be on track for the guys next week and them to have work. I have kept my self detracted and just not done a lot. But over all I had felt pretty good not depressed or upset. But last night today has more than made up for it.

Pops came in a little bit ago and sat down he don’t want to be here either. He is still having a hard time with his wife passing. We just sitting here looking at the walls and each other talking about we need to get busy. Then we just talk about whatever to keep from doing anything. He is in there now working on a few things and trying to get into doing something and I am finishing this. I hope the day gets better some way. Bff was supposed to come have lunch with me but she cancelled I knew she was going to. She has no idea what today is. No one does I can’t even talk about it.

Guess I better get off here get this stuff done if they have no work next week I’m probably be in trouble for sure because I can’t even say I tried and couldn’t get it. I haven’t even tried. I maybe back later.



{August 28, 2018}   6 Long Years

Last night when reading the post that made me write I Pushed Him Away, got me to thinking about how long I have been alone and doing this all on my own.

It has been six years since we split up and I have not been in a relationship with anyone since. You know how long it has been but until you really stop and think about it….

Its no wonder I feel the way I do and so down at times. It been six years of doing and giving for everyone else and no one giving back helping or doing for me. Six years of no one caring about me or showing me affection or anything. Yeah I have my friend but its not even close to the same.

Just going through everyday day to day stuff with the kids growing it seems like it has flown by. When I think about it, it seems like forever ago, another life time almost. I try to remember how it felt when me and RC were together and were happy its like hard to think I was ever happy. It was suck a short little tiny blimp of time. That almost year seems like it was a day. But the other 5.5 years seem like 10 years. 10 years of struggling and being a lone and unhappy. Not unhappy because I was/am a lone just unhappy because of struggling and not seeing an end insight. It just all seems so odd to me.



{February 22, 2017}   It’s One of Those Nights

Where I wish I had someone to take care of me for once while I’m sick. Someone to bring me something to eat and then ti curl up with me and hold me as we watch a movie while we fall a sleep. It would be nice to just feel cared about and loved for a change.

I know it’s wishful thinking and I must get up and make the kids dinner and get them bathed and to bed. Maybe one day I will have that. Until then its time to be mom, dad, doctor, chef, maid, peace keeper and enforcer while I try not to choke on my cough drop or fall over from not feeling good.



{December 17, 2016}   Maybe He’s Gone

Have you ever sat and wondered if maybe the one person that you were meant to be with has already passed away? Tonight I was driving home thinking about how lonely I have been and how down I have been feeling. I don’t know this was like out of no where this voice or thought said he is gone, so and so is gone. My ex from back in high school, we dated off and on for years. It just never seemed to be the right time for us. I hadn’t thought about him in years I don’t know why I had that thought or that happen.

It’s kind of depressing to think about but I do feel like I am going to be alone forever at this point and wonder if I would even trust or could get close to someone again after Father of the Year and R.C. I was thinking about how R.C. treated me when we were together and how things were and thinking that no one ever treated me that good. That was when that thought about my ex from high school crossed my mind because he did treat me good he treated me like R.C treated me.

It was almost like a dream I don’t know how to explain it. Just made me feel even more depressed.



et cetera
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