{January 26, 2015}   Going Home

My dad is going out of the hospice house sometime between now and 12 so that he can go to the doctor. He is happy to be getting out but not to thrilled about going to the doctor. He said it is a waste of time but he is going to go anyway. He told me last night they think that this has went to his kidney. The said the day before the tumor is seems to be larger than than a few weeks ago so it seems to be pretty fast growing. My brother says they didn’t check the lung or the liver to see if it was cancer but I don’t know. They told me they did.

I have to go to the SSI office because the mail man has been horrible the last two months. I have been getting everyone’s mail buy my own. Thursday I got a letter saying they needed me to come in the office to talk to them about a paper I was supposed to have gotten and turned in to them in December. I don’t have the letter. The letter I got Thursday says I need to be there by the 15 and I got it on 22 nd. It was mailed out the 5 th so it has been floating around and around to who knows where until I got it. I said something over a month about about getting everyone else mail and the mail late the guy said oh you have a different mail man yours will be back in a few days or something. But we had a different one a while. I am not sure who we have now because I am not able to sit here and watch for them.

I have to go there take my big boy to therapy and then I guess go up there to see my dad. I don’t know if he has said anything to my brother yet about what we talked about the other night. I really hope he don’t until Wednesday. Then he can just give me what he wants me to have if he still wants to do it that way and I will take it home. There won’t be any fight why it is going on. If he gets mad about it later he won’t fight with my dad about it he will come to me and at least my dad won’t have to deal with it unless he says he don’t want me there any more. In that case I will probably have to go get my dad and bring him here. I need to work on getting this place all put together before then so in case we end up doing that. Because I don’t put it past my brother to call someone to come check my place out and try to keep him from being here. Or start with me over my kids. I’m not really worried about it because it because they aren’t going to do anything if they come say the call is unfounded like before but they have changed way they do things soI don’t know if they will close it right a way or if they will have to keep coming and checking before they can. I have nothing to hide I just don’t feel like having to deal with them. I got to get going get to the ssi office and hope I don’t have to sit there for hours with all three of the kids. I wanted to get out in time to go see my dad but He goes to the doctor at 1. By the time he got home I would have to leave to have the kids to their appointment by 5. I may just call and go up tomorrow. I feel bad he wanted me to come back up last night a while but I couldn’t because my little guy started that his broken arm was hurting him and we were trying to decide if we had to take him to the er. They said if he started having pain we needed to bring him back in. But I think he just tired and not feeling good over all and stressed. I needed to keep a eye on him make sure he didn’t seem like he needed to go so time through the night. Something is wrong with the van we got home last night and the break lights wouldn’t go off.

{January 2, 2015}   Not At All What I Was Expecting

I called my dads cell phone earlier and his friend answered so I talked to her she said she was going to be there for a little while. I told her I was going to feed the kids and come up then since she was there. I figured I would let them have time and this way everyone wasn’t there at once and then just leave him sit alone the rest of the day. I debated for a while on rather or not to take the kids up with me. After we got done eating I told them to get ready and took them. I figured it would brighten his day and I did’t figure he would be getting to go home any time soon. Probably not until at least Monday. Father of the year is off so I could have him go with us and he could take them out why we talked to doctors or if they got to rout y so I could talk to my dad and see him.

We got in his room the kids went over said hi and gave him a hug. I walked over gave him a hug. I turned around and the doctor was standing there. I hadn’t even stop and ask them to call her or anything. She wasn’t around when I came up and came by the nurses station and things. I think they seen me come up and called her to come in and talk with me. She looked at my dad and said I hear your ready to get out of here and go home. He said yes. She told him ok that it would take about 3 or 4 hours probably. I was surprised because they have done any and every test on him they can do and some of them I think they did twice just on different parts of the body. They have checked him from head to toe.

I told the kids to stay in the room with them and went in the hall to talk to the doctor. As we went out she said something about you know he is checking himself out and going home. I said no I didn’t and was going to say we weren’t taking him home he was going to stay there and do what they needed to do or wanted him to do for test and things. She said I they haven’t told you what all we talked about earlier and everything and asked if I had any questions. I told her no that I had just walked in and had not talk to anyone yet. I asked her if it was ok for him to go home. She said that is what he wanted and that they had talked about it in detail and things earlier.

She said went over how they found the thing on the lung, the things on the liver and the tumor in his stomach. Then she said that talking to the new doctor they brought on board after finding the stuff in the stomach and things they pretty much know that it is cancer. I guess by the way it looked on the test and the fact it is all over like it is. She then proceeded to say he isn’t treatable. She said that they could do some light chemo maybe some radiation. She said but it won’t treat it or get rid of it. It’s just to make him conformable. But then you have the side effects of the chemo so how conformable is he really going to be? She said they are going to send him home with hospice care. She said they would come in and help take care of him and make him comfortable. I asked her something and she started telling me hospice isn’t there something what they come in and do and things like that. I told her I knew that. I’ve been through it to many times before. Just not with my dad!!!!

Hospice care is not what I expected at all. I knew that he was sick and that is was more then likely cancer but I didn’t think that we were anywhere near ready for hospice yet. I knew it was going to be bad but I didn’t think it was this bad yet. I don’t know how I feel when she told me I couldn’t even go back in my dads room. I went back to the truck and tried to call my friend J. She didn’t have her phone her husband did so I couldn’t talk to her I called my mom and talk to her for a little bit and went back up.

I had father of the year take the kids to get a drink and stayed with my dad. We talked a little bit but not really about anything. He said he didn’t want to have the blood transfusion, chemo, to be on a feeding tube, put on a vent, i.v or anything else like that. He said he talked to them this morning (well yesterday morning now it’s after midnight now) he signed the paperwork to be cremated, the dnr paperwork and all that. Hospice is going to come in once a week right now and check on him. They said they would come help him bath and things but he said he don’t need them to do that right now. But they will come more often if and when he decides he needs them to.

He started telling me I was to get all his knifes and all his coins but that my brother was to get all his guns. He said I don’t know what to do with his van he bought. He said I guess it should go to you as well. The van really isn’t in bad shape but it dose need a few things. I really need something bigger than it but it wouldn’t be bad to have to run around in now and then or if something happen and my truck was to break down. I am really not to worried about it because I know that no matter what my dad says my brother will probably keep all the coins or go through them and keep anything that is worth anything. My friend J saying I need to have him make a will so that everything gets done the way he wants it to. But I’m not even going to bring it up to him. If he has one or dose one then that is fine but I’m not going to ask him to do one. I would like to have a few things of course but you know if he gives them to me when something happens fine if not it is on him what he dose. I’m not trying to get his stuff or just around to see what I can get. I just want to see him and spend as much time as I can with him. I like to have the stuff to give to my kids later when they are older so they have something of their grandpa’s that’s it. The coin collection is something me and him use to do together when I was small. I would get him some here and there and he has gotten a lot over the years even after I stopped really messing with it. It’s a fun hobby but it is a costly one.

I feel like I am walking around in a fog and I don’t know if or when it is going to lift. I bounce from just being here and doing what has to be done and trying to handle the kids and take care of them to breaking down. The kids haven’t been to bad but everything is just getting to me right now. I have to come up with a balance to handle it all and coping. I have to say this is up there with how I would feel if I losing one of my kids. My dad is the one person I am the closes to other than my kids. He is the one person that I can go to and talk to and he isn’t going to tell me what to do or what I should do or that what I am doing is wrong. He may or may not tell me what he thinks or how he feels about it other than that he just listens and lets me figure out what to do. He don’t try to tell me how to live my life take care of the kids or nothing else and he has helped me more than anyone. I don’t know what I am going to do when something happens to him.

I already told father of the year he needs to go to work tomorrow and tell them no matter what is going on how many calls they have that he needs to talk to them about something before he starts work. That he needs to tell them what is going on and that he could have to take time off here and there and that if and when something happens he is going to have to come home as soon as he is gotten a hold of. I figure they are going to say well we aren’t together and it’s my family and things. But like I told him if they do he needs to tell them that, that is his kids grandfather and my dad and that I am going to have stuff to take care of and he is going to be here for them not dump them with a sitter or something. I know I am not going to be in any shape to take care of my self much less anything else. He said he was going to we shall see. It will prbably be like everything else he will not bring it up until it happens and then he will just keep working like nothing is going on and tell me sorry I couldn’t get off. Tell the kids sorry I will be there when I can get there I have to work.

I am going to get off here try to get some sleep and stop rambling again. I am doing whatever right now to keep my mind on other things I keep going from just being here and trying to function to breaking down. I don’t want to keep breaking down and trying not to let the kids see me.

et cetera
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