{January 30, 2020}   The Night Went Well

Last night I was talking to bff on my way home from work. She told me not to go see JW to just go home. She was in a bad mood and going to screw things up. She says I am just trying to run away from love and someone who cares about me. She says I’m scared.

I don’t think so, I think I am tired of putting my life on hold. But maybe i am I don’t know anymore. This week is a really hard week for me as it is with it being the week I lost my dad. Add in the rent shit going on and now looking at finding a place in a month and now a new relationship. I will go from fine to pissed in seconds for no reason and i know it. That is how i was yeaterday and it lasted all day.

I try to keep to myself not mess with anyone because I know it is me not whoever. I don’t want to say or do something because I’m mad or in a bad mood that has nothing to do with them. But last night i was going there to break up with him and to confront him about what he said about going doing what is best for me and the kids and about if he ever wanted to move or would consider it and why am I the one putting my life on hold for him? I knew I was dwelling on it and it would not be a civil conversation.

When I got there he was in a bad mood too. He had been into it with a guy at work.

I just decoded to tell bff to come get us lets go out just to get us both out of the house and not have an argument.

I seen him this morning and he was in a better mood i sure was. But we haven’t talked. We have only seen each other a few minutes. I do want to sit down talk with him about it all. Maybe this evening or one day next week.

{March 24, 2019}   A Very Odd Emotional State

I have felt very angry and upset the last 3 or 4 days. With everything today that happen isn’t helping.

The kids are upset I’m not here during the week but then complain when I am here and we can’t do anything because I’m not making enough. I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try I am failing them and letting them down.

All I want to do is cry. I have been fighting crying for days. I feel this disconnect with in me.

It’s like inside I feel nothing but my head is dealing with all that is being thrown at me. But then at times I feel so much anger and hate and empty because no one cares.

The kids do the least little thing I get so mad and aggravated. Mostly because nothing I do is right or good enough and they aren’t happy. One thing in life I just want them happy and no matter how hard i try I can’t. So i have failed. Failed them yet again. Failed over all yet again. I can see why no one cares about me why I’m alone. Sitting here on the couch writting this from my phone. Kids are watching tv and playing on the computer. All I want to do is cry. I fight not to cry, not to get up and walk out, not to go in there and drink.

You know if I could do life over again I would never have kids. Because I would not want to risk them going through all this. I love my kids but i love them enough to not want this for them.

{August 12, 2018}   Re: Just Feeling Very Alone

I was off at 7 like I was told I would be so I was happy about that. I text my friend and ask him what he was doing and if he was up for some company. But I never heard back from him. I am thinking maybe he is talking to someone. But I don’t know why he wouldn’t just tell me. Unless he figures I would get mad or something. He should know I wouldn’t, I have told him before I am talking with someone and seeing where it goes. Thinking about it, it bothered him, he stop talking to me and things for a bit.

Maybe he thinks it will me. I won’t lie, it probably would a little just because. But I wouldn’t stop talking to him or what over it. I hope he finds someone and is happy. I have feelings for him but think he needs to be with someone besides me. I am okay with it.

{January 16, 2017}   Didn’t get to post still

I was going to go somewhere and use their wifi to turn in my homework and put up my post I have been writing the last few days but that didn’t happen. Father of the Year waits until this after noon to call and say he isn’t coming maybe he will Tuesday. He was supposed to go and help the kids take care of their chickens their bands are getting tight and they need changed. I was going to go take care of my homework and blog. He said maybe Tuesday morning he would come and take care of the chickens for them he had stuff to do today.

I ended up loading everyone in the truck and driving up to Mc Donald’s and sitting in their parking lot to turn my work in. I had written most of it up at home but then I had to look at other people’s replies and respond to one of them. It took maybe 10 minutes at the most between trying to get hooked to their internet and logged in then post and reply. From 3 on all I heard was I want to get out, I want to go home, can we go in, I want to go eat, I want to get out, I want to go home and on and on. I would have taken them to the other one and taken them in to play and I could have gotten my school stuff and blog stuff done, but I didn’t even have money to buy them drinks or anything. If you don’t buy something I am sure they will be asking you to leave and the kids would have been having a fit wanting to know why they couldn’t have a million and one things. I just figured it was easier to do it the way I did it. They are the closes place to me that has wifi that you can hook up to. I can at the college but I didn’t have the information because theirs is locked down. I have to get with one of the instructors and get the password for students to use so that I can just pull over there and use it if I have to. Worse case their security will want to know what I am doing. But I have my parking decal and I am doing my work so they shouldn’t say anything right.

I am just aggravated that I could have internet for $10 a month and can’t even afford to pay that right now. He was making $4000 a month knew his job was going to run out and did not bother to try to pay his bills ahead to not get behind, didn’t bother to try to save enough to pay me each week or month so he wasn’t behind there. If he couldn’t save it and not spend it he could have given it to me and said I am trying to pay you ahead because I know my job is going to run out I don’t want to get behind. I would have it put up in savings and can do what I needed to do and I wouldn’t be getting notices that things are going to be shut off. But no, he pissed it away and blew it on god only knows what and could care less what his kids have or don’t have. Again, I am the one not able to do the things I need to do or trying to do, I am losing my stuff to keep things going for the kids.

{December 17, 2016}   Canceling Christmas

I am so tired of the kids being lazy and not doing their chores. I understand this week we have not been home a lot and busy. But they always complain and always half doing them. They slept in today because there was no school, I didn’t mind I needed sleep too after being up for two days. They got up and watched tv or whatever for a little bit. I then got them all together and told them they needed to get their chores done. I told them they needed to be done by 1pm. It was 10:10. They started about wanting to eat and a drink, nothing new always their go to when they don’t want to do something or have to do chores. I told them we would call it 10:30 chores needed to be done by 1 they had the extra time they could use to clean or eat whatever they wanted but they needed to be done by 1. It is 1:15 and the kitchen is still half picked up the floors have not been mopped. my little one still has stuff everywhere. She just feels she don’t need to pick it up.

I keep telling them we will not put a tree up if this stuff is not done and that we will not do Christmas. They get all mad at me like it is my fault. They have had time to work on them through the week. Maybe not a lot but some time and they have all the time I have given them today. Like I said it isn’t just today this week or what it is all the time everyday. I am just so over it.

I have ran for the last few weeks ragged trying to make sure they have all they need for school and been at the schools for them to see their show drive for their field trip and go with them make food for their parties all while trying to figure out where their Christmas is going to come from if they are going to have a Christmas and everything else. They don’t seem to care about anything but being lazy. They don’t care how the house looks that they made most the mess because they are to lazy to put their stuff away take their dishes to the kitchen, pick their trash up off the table, clean up if they spill something or pick up their rooms. They don’t seem to care what all I am doing or do for them. But then if I don’t do it they get mad or upset. They just act like it is no big deal, mom can kill herself doing for us and making sure everything is great for us but we can’t even have enough respect for mom to not trash the house or to do or chores to help mom out. When she ask we are going to cry and complain.

I just want to leave, pick up my car keys walk out and leave them all here. I don’t know where I would go, what I would do or when I would come back. Because frankly right now I do not want to be around them much less in the same house as them. The don’t give a shit, no respect all that mom does don’t matter attitude just pisses me off to no end. I know they are kids but my older two are old enough to know better and know not to act that way or be that way. My little two may not understand fully but they also know to listen and do what they are asked or told to do and they are just looking for things to do get into and trouble to cause. I feel like putting the tree up and putting the Christmas stuff out but I can’t in their mess. I so want to just cancel Christmas and give them nothing and not let anyone give them anything and pick up all this stuff and throw it away.

I am just so tired of doing and running my self to death and no one thinks twice or cares unless it don’t get done. I never have 5 minutes to do anything for myself or that I want to do or free time. I just feel like calling Father of the Year and telling him he has to come get them and keep them for a week or two since it is Christmas break but I know he won’t or telling him he needs to get a sitter for the time he should have them if he isn’t but he won’t do that either.

I just want a break for a few days I just want someone to do things with and to talk to someone to care about me for a change. I am tired of no one ever doing what they are supposed to or caring and leaving it all to me to do. I am tired of no one doing what they are supposed to do and doing it all and then still having to deal with them and have them in the picture. I am just feeling very aggravated, pissed off and angry today. Anyone around is just making it worse.

{September 3, 2016}   A Night I Won’t Forget

Night before last we had that storm coming through and was going to get some of the bands in our area. My friend messaged me and said she was scared. I told her to come stay with me and the kids for the night. I was out shopping and had to pick the little ones up from daycare then I would come get her. She said she still be scared at my house I told her I would be more scared in a trailer with it coming through. But she said she was very scared of any kind of storms because of the way her dad was when she was younger. Told her she could still come if she wanted we eat put the kids to bed and get to catch up. She been wanting to talk to me and tell me some stuff and we haven’t gotten together in a while because of her being sick and me so busy. She decided to come, so I went and picked her up.

It was just a normal night we came home she helped me make dinner and we ate. I had kids get baths, clean up some and go to bed. It was probably about 10/11 she went outside to smoke. I walked out with her and we sat down and started talking. we sat there for a while talking.

the way my house is set up you walk out my front door onto a little slab that is about three foot by three foot. Probably not even. I have two plastic chairs sitting on it there is room to walk in front of them and get in the door and things but nothing huge. You step of of it to the left into the yard or go straight step into the carport. So my truck is pulled up right there in front of the carport but not in as it won’t fit in the carport. I moved the chair over so the back was facing my front door so I wasn’t sitting right beside her but facing her kind off. I was facing the carport so she could smoke and it wouldn’t blow over on me. I sat my glass around behind the back leg of my chair so it didn’t get knocked over. I have to get a table for out there.

Anyway we sat and talked like I said for a long time. I turned to get my glass and I seen a flash of light come from beside my house. I didn’t hear a car and one never came up. For it to be as close as it was we should have seen and heard it right away from down beside my house. So I got up and walked down the driveway out into the street in front of my house because we seen it a few more times on other trees that if it was a car we would have to see them in order for the light to shine where it was and it wouldn’t be fixed on the trees. It had moved. I walked from there down the middle of the street that goes beside my house up about 3 or 4 houses and looked down behind mine and all around to see if I seen anyone out. I didn’t see anything and walked back up to where we were sitting the same way. I scared her when I walked up she was looking the other way but I thought she had seen me coming back up the street. She was looking behind my house and said she heard something she thought I went down and was going to come around the back and into the carport not the way I went. She thought I was behind the house. We thought then it was probably someone hiding where I couldn’t see them on the side of the other side of the house or bent down back there so where in the dark and went over the fence when I got out of sight. I can see back there but like anywhere there are dark spots still and shadows they could be in.

We sat back down and started talking again, we seen something up the street from us. I said lets walk to the end of the driveway and see if it’s someone or something blowing in the wind because it was strong winds from the storm but not raining. She didn’t want to leave the front door in case someone was messing around behind the house or close after what we heard. I got my keys and locked the door and we walked to the end of the driveway in the street and was looking around. We couldn’t figure out what we were seeing and figured it was trees or something. There has been a few times cars were broken into around and there are always people walking around here all hours of the night. It was just how we kept seeing it in one spot and the way it was moving not like someone just walking down the walk. We figured we look see what it was. Oh and we seen a flag someone had hung up so we figured it must be it because it was new and why I hadn’t seen it before. We thought if it was someone who went over the fence maybe it was them still messing around and we could see who it was.

We sat back down and in a little bit this SUV pulled up on the side street that is across from the guy next to me’s house. It didn’t pull up to the stop but feet back behind the bushes. The sat there with their lights shining over by where we were sitting for a few minutes but we couldn’t see who was in it or what they were doing. I don’t know if they could see my because I was down behind my truck I am sure they had to see her where she was sitting. In a minute they turn and go down in front of my house. I know then they could see me no problem. They went two streets up and turned. I figured maybe they were lost and looking at their phone trying to figure out where they were going.

Few minutes later they come back stop in the middle of the street that is by my house that I walked down earlier to see if I seen anyone behind it. Then the pulled up where the back of their truck was just behind or just past my truck but not to the stop in front of my house. I didn’t stand up I just leaned forward more over down in front of my truck trying to see around the front end to see if I could see what they were doing and why they stopped. She could see it good. But the windows were so dark tinted that she couldn’t see in. I got up and moved around a little to try and see. The driver put the back passenger window down the passenger behind the driver turned the light on the roof on. I seen someone go down into the floor. In my mind it looked like someone being pushed into the floor. I was trying to stand up the rest of the way and see what was going on. Because I couldn’t see still because of the truck I could just see whoever was sitting up go down like into the floor I couldn’t see but the top of the window by the roof.

All of a sudden my friend stand up and is leaning over me with her arms all stretched out and she is trying to walk toward me and get me to move back. She is saying go in the house go in the house. I thought she was scared they were going to get out and start or had the same thought they had some one and was forcing them to go with them and they were fighting. I said no I want to know what they are doing out here by my house this is the second time in a few minutes they stopped. I was trying to get her to let me stand up more. She said gun they have a gun get in the house. I turned and started for the door she was right on top of me. I ran into the door trying to open it, I hadn’t unlocked it when we came back up earlier. I only have 4 keys on my ring. Two truck keys the gun cabinet key and house key. I was fumbling with the gun key and house key trying to figure out what was what in the dark and then to get the key in the door in the dark. We had the light off so the bugs wouldn’t swarm us and eat us why were talking. When I got the door open the truck drove off. We got inside.

She said when they stopped it happen like I said the one turned the light on from the back the driver rolled the window down. What I thought was someone being pushed or told to get in the floor was a guy and he bent down to the floor and when he came up he had a gun pointed right at her. She said she could see him and the driver well but not the other two people in the truck. She said I jumped up and leaned over you to cover you in case they started to shoot. I said I thought you were scared because they were fighting or not knowing what was going on I couldn’t see more than the top of the window. I thought it was odd she got scared and was trying to go in the house because she is like me if we hear something or something is going on we are going to see what it is and take care of it run them off call the police whatever has to be done.

My phone was dead it had popped up long ago and said I had only 5% of my battery or less left. I called 911 when the lady answered I said this is my address and gave it to her I said I need you to send the police right now my phone is about to die so we are probably going to get disconnected but please just send the police anyway and gave her my address again. She started asking me questions and I answered her. She wanted to know why and so she knew how many to send and things. I told told her. I am really shocked that it did not hang us up but it didn’t I was able to tell her everything that happen and they sent them. She asked if I felt ok to hang up I told her yes we were inside and for now they had left. I was going to charge my phone so I could call back if I needed to if anything else happen before they got to us.

The cop came and he was really nice and he said they were all over the area and looking for them but hadn’t seen any care that matched. He had my friend write out a report since she was the one that seen the gun and could id some of the people in the suv. He said right now it was an aggravated assault but unknown person. If they found the truck they would bring her to id and then fill in the names and things. He asked if I had any weapons inside. I told him I had two guns, he said I suggest you go inside and load them and keep them on you. I suggest you keep one loaded and on you at all times. I asked about a permit class and things to carry. He said you can have it on you in your home and even in your yard. He said you can keep it in your truck in the glove box in a holster. Just not to take it in anywhere or anything like that. My friend said yeah but you can’t shoot them through the door or the window you got to wait for them to come in. The cop said if they are turning my door knob or messing with my window I am going to shoot first and ask questions later. They have no reason to be trying to come in my house or messing with my windows. I said if they are trying to come in my door or window I’m not waiting for them to get inside either. I have 4 children in my house to take care of if you are messing around my window you have no business being at to start with I assume you are not there for anything good and that you are not going to do anything good once you get inside. I am not going to risk them getting inside and over taking me or grabbing one of my kids. The cop said that’s right. I had ask the cop before what if I shot someone through my window. He said it is all in how you feel. I said I don’t feel safe I feel me and my children are in danger if someone is at my window. If they wanted me for something they would come to my door and knock. He just said that is what you have to say if it happens.

He talked to us for a while told me a gun range I could go to that did classes and things for women and told us what kind of holster to buy that was safest and things. He left and said to call back if we seen the car or the guys again so they could try and catch them so they could charge them. He said stay away from the windows and not to go out until daylight.

We came in sat here talking bout it for a little bit. We kept hearing cars come by and I look to see if it was them coming back or someone else. It didn’t seem like no time later I hear something like people talking but did not hear a car. I could tell they were close because they didn’t seem loud. I looked out the window and there was a guy riding a bike no shirt, hat and backpack. I said something to her she got up and looked. Then about the time I said something to her here came another with a jacket on and a backpack. They said a camping backpack later. It had straps to strap it around your chest and waste. It was like whatever he was going to do he was going to make sure not to lose it or leave it. They both looked like they had something big in them. About the time she came across the room and looked out here came the red SUV back flying by them. I thought it was going to hit the one it was so close and so fast. She looked out the window and said oh my god that is the guy that pointed the gun at us on the first bike. She was so fixed on watching him she never even seen the guy on the second bike. She called 911 because my phone was still charging and told them the car just went by again and that the one that had been in it with the gun was going by on a bike. They said they were going to search the area first and then come here if anything happen to call them back. That point why she was calling 911 I got the gun out an loaded it. I figured before they are driving by if I am in the house and they drive by and shoot having my gun loaded isn’t going to do me no good. But then seeing them on bikes I figured they could ditch them somewhere and walk up knock on the door or anything and shoot.

In a little bit the cop shows up we go out to talk to him. He asked if we could be wrong about what kind of SUV it was. We said we could but we were pretty sure by the way it looked and told him. He said he was like 2 blocks away when the call came in and came around the way the bikes were going and he never seen them or the SUV anywhere. He kind of acted like he thought we were lying. He said his lieutenant  wanted to talk to us he was on his way. Asked us again about what kind of SUV. He said they had a red one pulled over up the street but it wasn’t a explorer. Then they came over the radio and said that it had a tag for a green blazer out of a town miles away. Then they said but it is on a red pick up truck. We said no that is not it at all it was a red SUV for sure. Another cop started pull up and park in front of the house the cop said that was the lieutenant . About that time we seen other lights and looked up down the street came the red SUV. We said that is it right there that is the one. He went to go out to the street and it started to stop at the sign he flashed his flashlight at them and waved for them to stop. The SUV punched and hauled ass around the corner and took off. The car that had just pulled up took off after him as he jumped in his car and turned around and followed. He got about 5 miles up the road before they caught him. In a little bit the cop who came out the first time we called came back and asked my friend to go with him and she if she could id the guy that was driving. He said they finally got them to stop but that there was only one person in the truck the other three were gone. We told them we knew two were on bikes somewhere in the area.

He took her and she told them she was 98% sure that he was the one driving when the guy pointed the gun at her. He told her they couldn’t do anything but hold him until she said yes he was involved. She said they had her stay in the car put the class up and was shining the lights in his face and telling him not to look at her and things he was fighting with them and turning to look at her. She said he was trying his hardest to intimidate her. She said she told the cop it was him and he said over the speaker it was a positive id and they grabbed him and cuffed him and started searching the suv. She said that they had the carpet rolled up on the back passenger side and their was a hidden compartment. Right where the guy bent over and got the gun from when they stopped out front. But the gun was gone just like the other three guys. They found drugs on the guy and he was on probation. The cop brought her home and told us do not come out of the house because they still had no idea who or where the other three guys were and the gun was missing as well. They said they can not charge him with anything that happen here until they get the guy who pointed the gun and the gun. But he did go to jail for vop and the other charges. Makes me kind of mad because we know what happen and he was involved drove him here to do and put the window down for him to do it.

He made it very clear not to come out side or answer the door for any reason even if we thought it was them they would call us first again. To get the gun and load it if we hadn’t and not to be in a room with windows. We sat here the rest of the night at the table checking the arrest report to see if they had took him to the jail and booked him so we could see what his name was and I could see a picture of him. They would not tell us his name said they were not allowed. I said he can come to my house and do all this and there are still three out there to worry about but you can’t even tell me his name so that I can see if it is someone that I may know or at least know what he looks like so that when he gets out since he isn’t being charged for what happen at my house? They said no you can get the report in 3 to 4 days and it will be on there. What good is it in 3 or 4 days. Do you know how much could happen in 3 or 4 days? It finally showed up, I have seen him around but do not know him. Just like at the store or something like that.

The cop the first time we called came out, asked if either one of us had anyone we made mad or enemies or anything like that. If I had seen them around here before. I told him I am a full time student taking classes at the college and have 4 kids I don’t go out or talk to hardly anyone. I talk to my friend that was here and I talk to my friend that lives a couple towns away. That I hardly ever have anyone at my house like she was that night. I told him I don’t even take classes at the college I talk them online at home so I don’t even talk to people there. I said it has been over a year since I had someone that came over and just hung out for a while or what. Most times if someone is here other than Father of the Year they are here for a few minutes an hour and gone. I just don’t have people over a lot. I said I am not outside just sitting and hanging out at night if I don’t have someone over. Most the time if someone is over we sit outside because they smoke or as to not wake the kids or the kids are up and playing we sit outside to talk and let them play so I don’t know who is going back and forth or around most the time. She is like me she don’t talk to or hang out with anyone. She been sick and she stays to herself most the time too.

I don’t know what to think the officer was very sure that they were going to shoot, if my truck had not been parked there and she had not gotten up and kept me from standing up. He thinks that her standing up and not letting me stand up and us being in front of and on the other side of the truck at that point and it being so big that they couldn’t get a good shot. We heard the gun click I didn’t know that was what it was until later because I didn’t know there was a gun. He said had I stood up being taller they would have had a good shot right over the hood of my truck and they probably would have taken it. When they seen the door open they knew we went inside and left.

He said he didn’t know if one or both of us was targeted or if it may be gang related and a initiation kind of thing.

He was so surprised how calm we were and how calmly she handled it being that she seen the gun and that she leaned over me and got us in the house. She told him that she didn’t want to yell or panic because she figured they would shoot then no matter what. That she leaned over me so that if they did start shooting at least maybe they wouldn’t hit me that I was a single mom with 4 kids to take care of and things. I told him I am pissed off and mad that they came her and done this. That I have no idea who they are and that we were sitting here at my house not doing anything or bothering anyone and never do so they had no reason to bring this to my house and do this.

I’m still not scared, I am still pissed off and mad about it. Maybe a little numb. I don’t know if it is just the shock hasn’t wore off or what. I told her I don’t want the kids to know or Father of The Year to know. I don’t want the kids to be scared and I don’t want Father of The Year to start shit. All I will hear is I need to move I need to this or that. I can’t not afford to move and I am not moving in with my mom and them.

My friend lives down the street where they keep coming in from I went and had her pull footage from her camera and see if she seen the two guys on the bikes so we could give that to the cops so they could be on the look out for them and know that we were not lying. But I don’t think they feel we were lying anymore and the first cop that ever came out never acted that way and the lieutenant  didn’t want to talk to us after they caught the guy. But I figured if we had them on video would prove they were in the are as well. They do have the car going back and forth and the cops and the cops flying after him. So we are now trying to figure out where the guys on the bikes came in from because the truck had not came back into the are before the bikes came by. Only thing we can figure is that it came in passed her house and let them out before mine.

I went across and talk to the people in that house because her wallet got stolen and they were talking about putting some up there. I went over when they were both home because I did’t want to scare her there by herself and talk to them. She said they hadn’t put any up. If they had they would have gotten really good shot of them probably because they had to ride right by their house. He did tell me that the street that they were going down was a drug house and that was probably were they were going when they kept coming and going down that street. He thinks maybe they were going to try and rob that house. We seen them going back and forth and were not going inside and they got mad. I don’t know I just hope they go on and don’t come back. The one guy they did arrest had a id for here and one for Alabama. They put his Alabama address instead of his address for here. I am no sure why they did that and would like to know his address for here. He could live on that street right next to me here and I not even know. It be nice to know if he is living next to me. They were in a company vehicle but it didn’t have a name on it and they wouldn’t tell us what company. I don’t know if maybe it was just one of theirs and they have some kind of little company doing yards or something like that or if it is a bigger company. If it was a company they are working for I could maybe find out from them if this was the person who is supposed to be driving or someone else. If it was someone else then who was drive we could see if they were the one with the gun. The cop said they thought they switched up what they were wearing and who was where in the truck. But she said she was sure he was the one driving when they stopped and that the guy on the bike was the one who pointed the gun at her. It had all happen with in an hour or so of each other so she knew what they looked like. We made the first call at like 1:30 and the second call around 2:30.

et cetera
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