I opened yesterday and before long in came the owner to check up on things and complain. But okay whatever. He hung out then until after I left.

But he said something about having to go to the social security office. I said yeah I have to go there too. He daid he was going to change his last name on everything. He got married in May I think it was. He said he finally decided to take his wife’s last name. He said he explained how his mom’s madian name meant this or that his new wife’s name meant something almost the same and they are from the same area and things. That this is his 2nd marriage and he don’t want her to have to be refuried to as the 2nd Mrs. X and things.

I thought it eas pretty neat he was doing that. I thought of having that conversation with RC when he wanted to get married. I told him if he to take my last name he said no and things. His ex wife kept his last name so we would both have been Mrs. RC had me and him got married.

Just like Father of The Year got mad when I changed my last name in the divorce. I didn’t want to walk around with his last name forever when nothing worked out and his family didn’t like me and treated me how they did. Then when he got remarried and to the one he did. I was really glade because I don’t want everyone confusing me with her. He is such a mess and nasty i dont even want anyone to know we were ever together.

{February 15, 2017}   Things all Girls Should Know

This was one of the first post that popped up on my reader tonight when I logged on and I can’t say how much I agree with this and feel that all girls should be taught these things. I am guilty of so many of them, I at times wish I had done things differently even in my teen years. After you read her post you can read on to see how well I can relate and where I messed up in life.


aka: The things I wish someone taught me when I was a pre-teen girl. Dating should be about figuring out what you want and what you don’t want. For some reason when I was young I had this mentality that every person I dated was going to be “forever.” I can remember even as young as […]

via Things I’ve learned about dating from an abusive relationship — Divorcing a Narcissist Blog


One I can’t say I was guilty of, I was the complete opposite of number one. I went into every relationship when I was younger knowing it wasn’t going to last long at all surely not long enough to get married. I don’t know why I didn’t feel that way or look at them that way because I can say about 99% of everyone else in school felt that way it seemed.

It really was one reason I wasn’t running around having sex with everyone that walked across my path and offered or wanted to. I hadn’t really met but one person I was interested in that way and even him all I could think was if I get pregnant do I really want it to be with this person or that person and have to deal with them the rest of my life? Yes I know it sounds crazy and who thinks of these things at that age but these were the things I thought about more often than not. It’s funny because I wanted to get married young and start a family. But I didn’t want to start before I finished high school. I wanted to get married shortly after high school and start a family. I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 25. But I also knew that the guys I was dating early on were not guys I really interested in doing that with.

two I should have listen more to friends and my own gut instinct when it came to Father of the Year. A few friends said something about him and us together and how we were not anything a like and how he was. But again he was another one that even thought I was older I never expected it to last at all. I figured he would be gone in a week or two. I not ever dealt with someone like him, even though everyone else said something and my head and guy was saying no no I thought what the hell why it last it never will. Guess what. boy was I wrong. My friend and his uncle I lived with kept telling me you need to think about this, what are you doing with him, you can do so much better, you have done so much better, what are you thinking you never date guys like this? I didn’t listen. I wasn’t going to let it go far it wasn’t going to last, I was going to scare him off because I don’t talk to and date guys like this it’s just a what the hell not doing anything else at the moment kind of thing.

Not only should you watch how he treats others and pets but also how dose his family treat him compared to his siblings? How do they treat him over all? Dose his family keep him at a distance, do they not include him in things, do they just seem to tolerate him being there but not really happy or indifferent to him? Do they call him? If so how often? What do they want when they call? Do they just call when they need or want something or do they call to see whats going on and chat? I should have known when I got with Father of the Year and he was all but homeless and had no money to eat and hardly money to pay rent every week and his something was wrong. I should have known that something wasn’t right when his family only called him twice in 6 months and that was because they needed their car to work on then changed their mind. I should have knew something was wrong when his parents lived 30 miles away with his brother but never came around, never called. The only time he seen them was if he called and went down there. They didn’t care that he had no money, no food, and was homeless and bouncing from place to place. They had extra room made decent money and could have let him stay with them a little bit and get back on his feet. The never offered. They acted as if they could careless when he was there for family gatherings. It was just odd, he said it was because he didn’t go to school and had gotten in trouble right before he was to leave for the Air Force. After a while I don’t believe it I think there is something else there and no one talks about it. Also do they have friends? How do his friends treat him? Does he have more than one or two that they are close to and do things with or is he kind of the 3 rd wheel with the two he has? That says a lot too.

Losing ones self I am way to guilty of this, after we got together I stopped talking to and seeing a lot of my friends. Once things started getting bad between us I with drew from everyone and had not friends and talked to just about no one. When we split up the only real friend I had I was talking to was my One Good Friend. We had just really started talking again and often and Father of the Year didn’t really say anything about that because he was married at the time. They bought a house about two blocks away from me so we talked and seen each other a lot. But other than that I didn’t have any friends. I met one girl from school where my son went right about the time things started getting bad and he liked her so I was okay to talk to her too. Mostly I sat in the house with the kids or going to the things they were involved in. When I was in school and me and the girls would go out for drinks once a week or ever other week he hated it and would get so mad and pout and be pissed off he couldn’t go. He didn’t really have friends at all when we were together. His one best friend got killed not long after we got together. Other than that he didn’t have friends he went out with, talked to or ever seen or did anything with.

When I got with RC I was starting to talk to other people go places and meet new people. I was going to church and had joined a women’s group and was making friends. I met him and I dropped it all. I had plans again to go to school and things I wanted in life. I met him that all went out the window and I put my all into my kids, him and his kids. He was working I was taking care of everyone make sure everything was done. It was only until we could get moved then I was going to start school and go to work. But to be honest I don’t think I ever would have if we had stayed together. I was happy I loved him and I loved the kids, for once in my life I was happy. Maybe for the first time in my life I was happy. Maybe not in my life but for the first time since I was in my teens I could truly say I was happy. I was in love for the first time in my life and I had the best family anyone could ever want or ask for in our kids. They did things and tried things but when it came down to it they all were good kids. As much as I wanted to go to school and things I would have been just as happy to go to work and help take care of my family. Unlike with Father of the Year we had friends together and did things together and with our friends. He had friends we hung out with and I had friends we hung out with as well as friends we meet while we were together.

But at the end of the day when you took the relationship away I had nothing. I had put my everything into it and nothing for or to do with just me. I put all my plans on the back burner. Here I sit with hardly anyone that I talk to anymore, two more years down and not in school when it was all over. I have decided this time around I am going to school and I am not going to stop going for anyone. If they can’t handle being worked around school and when I have a sitter for the kids then to bad they can move on. I have settled and put my life on the back burner for way to long and now I am not doing that again for anyone.

And the love yourself first, I thought that I did but now I sit and wonder, did I? How do you know if you love yourself? When did I stop? Why did I stop? I must still some right because I got out?

{July 30, 2016}   She Won’t Marry Him

I took my friend to the hospital Thursday night late, she needed to go I was in the middle of homework that was due that night I knew if I stopped to take her we wouldn’t be back in time. I told her I would take her when I got done if she wanted to go. It wasn’t like she needed to go right that minute or anything just some problems she been having that she had been for but wasn’t getting better. She wasn’t able to go to the doctor for. I figured I be done earlier than I was, I knew we would get back later, but plenty of time for me to get some sleep and things before court. Well it took me a lot longer than I expected to do the paper and we didn’t get there until later, I didn’t get home until after 5. I got an hour or so sleep and at the court house by 9:45.

We were talking on the way over and RC came up. She said I asked him if he ever married Grandma the other night? She said I really didn’t mean to I just put it without thinking.

The girl he is with now is like two years older than me so she is 38 years old. When I seen pictures of her almost 4 years ago I thought she was in her 40’s then. When we split up they got together and he brought her down here and his friends and our friends seen them together they all started asking me how old she was and though she was well into her 40’s. They were all shocked she was only about 33/34 at the time. She his a heavy drinker, into coke and other drugs pretty bad. Then her last old man all but killed her. He tries to say him beating her up so bad is why she looks so old but you can look at her and tell that it is the drugs and drinking. Anyone who has dealt with long term drinkers and addicts knows what it does to the body and how much it can change you.

She said he said Grandma? She said you know the girl your living with the one that looks like a grandma. She said well I had already said it, it was to late to try and cover it up at that point. I said you could have said this or that and covered it up. She said hell I don’t care it’s the truth. She said he laughed and said no she won’t marry him and that he wants to leave and come home, what was the point in being with her if she wasn’t going to marry him. He said but he didn’t know what to do about “His kids” that are there. HIS KIDS? really HIS KIDS. There is only one kid there that is really his kid and he has been with them all this time if things are as bad as he says they are and as bad as everyone can read about and see they are on line he would have no problem going to court and getting custody of her. The others are not his kids, there isn’t a chance of them being his kids. Two of them she had before they ever got together, one is 18 the other is in her 20 with a baby of her own and don’t live there. Then she has the little girl that is theirs and one after her that he wasn’t around for that she had after him and her split up and before they got back in contact and got together, she is about 6 or 7 I think maybe a little older. If it is really that bad for the only other one there that is under age then he needs to report it and let someone check it out and do what needs to be done. I know he may care about her and things but for him to act like he is so worried about this kid that isn’t his after the way he has done with his other 4 just got me. I said to her I would have said your kid she isn’t even yours what about the 4 that really are your you have nothing to do with?

Then she tells him she told him that I was still single!! I said you did what? Why? She said I have been trying to get you to back together all this time even when me and you weren’t talking. She said I make comments about you all the time when he is talking about how bad things are and wanting to leave. She said I told him you weren’t with anyone said he seemed surprised and said really? She told him yeah I was single and hadn’t been seeing anyone. She said he didn’t really say anything after that and got off line.

I was surprised that he was surprised to find that out because I know for a long time even after he left he was talking to someone here that was telling him things and he was still keeping tabs on me. Comments would be made about him and things that he knew or things he said or done that if someone wasn’t talking to him they wouldn’t know and he wouldn’t know. I wondered if it wasn’t someone who worked with Father Of The Year since they both had worked at the same place just not together. Most everyone there knew RC and knew that we had been together and knew that Father of the Year was my ex husband. They had made comments to him off and on that I found to be odd. He didn’t think anything of them but I don’t think he was thinking about the fact that they knew both of them and things. Knowing that they both worked there and that they all knew both of them and knew or knew of me then they seemed a little off. But lots of things have to be spelled out for Father Of The Year or they go right over his head like a speeding bullet.

I don’t even know why it is so important to him that she marries him anyway. We talked about it and he wanted to get married but we had to get things taken care of first and he had to take care of the back child support he was paying before we could. I told him I didn’t want to get married he insisted that he did. I told him that I would marry him but he had to change his last name to mine I wasn’t changing mine again after I got my divorce. He said no way in hell he was doing that. He said it was like buying a motorcycle and riding bitch. I know with us he was worried about all the kids and wanted me to adopt his so we would have needed to be. He was also worried about if something happen to one of us and being able to make decisions for each other if one of us couldn’t for our self and family stepping in and not doing what we would have wanted done. If we were married we could make sure that the other ones wishes were carried out if need be. But like I said we had so much we needed to take care of it was just put on the back burner to be talked bout once we could legally do it if we wanted to and not have any problems. Honestly I was really thinking about it and coming around to the idea. I knew it wasn’t something that we could rush into and felt that in a few years when things were settled down if we were still together at that point and going good I would consider it. After everything that happen with him kind of sealed the deal that I don’t ever want to no matter what anymore.


I can call the 5 to get a court date. I am hoping that they have everything and do not give me a hard time about it this time. I put everything in there that it asked for. I really want to get in there this week and get it over with. Before he has time to think about things and decide he wants to show up and try to stop it or change things with custody. We talked about custody for a while and he says he is fine with it this way and it is what is best for the kids for now since he don’t really have anywhere to set up for them to have their own space and things. But when everyone starts talking and putting their two cents in he may change his mind. I don’t think he would win anyway but I would just have to refile and file contested instead of uncontested and then it can drag out forever more if him and the judge want to.

The 5th will be our 13th anniversary and I been trying to get away from him for about 7 of those. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted dealing with him and trying to get this taken care of. But I figure that it is working out like it was supposed to for whatever reason and that maybe one day I will know. If for nothing more than my kids to not be on the street or living with other people and not having a home of their own or so that I didn’t lose custody of them to him and have to fight him over it then that is fine too.

They still have court dates open for Wednesday I hope I can get one for then. I am going to try and wait to get a copy of my papers before I leave instead of them mailing them to me. If they do then I am going to go down to the social security office and take care of everything I need to take care of there. as for getting my name changed and letting them know that he is going to be paying child support. Once I get my new social security card in the mail I can then go get it changed on my drivers licences. Then I have to get it changed with the college so I’m not rushing to get it done at the last minute with them. I think other than that there really isn’t anywhere else I need to change it with.

I want to get it done before the kids go back to school so that I don’t have to go in and change it with them and explain everything. Oh I also have to change it with the childcare people so that if or when that comes through I don’t have any problems with that. And the two scholarships the kids and mine and my loans we get because I have to sign the checks for them. I guess I have a lot more places to change it with than I thought. I have to see what I have to do to change it at the bank as well since they don’t have an office I can go into around here. I may have to come back to this page and look at all the places I have listed that I need to change it with so I don’t miss any. Doctors offices, insurance offices and I am sure I will think of more.

Now I see why so many people say they don’t change it because it is to much trouble to change it all over the place. But for me not changing it isn’t an option. I am not a Brown I don’t want to be known as a Brown. Most of them never liked me from the start and really don’t now so no loss there at all. You can read The Name Game if you want to see why I truly feel the way I do about changing it back. I don’t think my kids are going to feel one way or the other about it, if they do and I explain to them like I do in The Name Game then I am sure they will understand and probably agree.

{May 14, 2015}   A Dead Marriage

I’m sitting here studying for my test out of nowhere I get a text wanting to know how the kids are. I said fine and went on studying. Then I get a text asking if I’m ok? Before I can answer that I get another that says U been seeing someone? I said yeah because I have had time for that. Then I said why have you? he replied No I haven’t then Nor have I had time. I just kept on studying and didn’t reply. I have nothing to say to him. Figure he is talking to someone and feeling guilty so now he has to try and turn it around before it gets out. 

Then I get more text

Just been thinking about you a lot.

Wish I could turn back time.

Feel a lot of jealousy still.

I just said I don’t know why your thinking about me.

I get, I read articles all the time about not giving up on dead marriage.

I said I don’t know why look at all the things you say to me and call me everything else. You need to read about moving on.

I don’t want to give up if I do then I didn’t put all my efforts forward at least try.

I told him the helicopter was flying over the house. It flew over and circled around and around right on top of my house for about 20 minutes. Don’t know who they were looking for.

Then I said to him, even now the things you say and call me.

All he said back was gee better make sure the doors are locked. Hasn’t said anything since. You would think he want to know if everything was all right, if they left or anyone out there anything going on. Nope not him. Didn’t get the response he wanted about the other text so he just don’t care stop talking and ignore again.

Has he forgotten already from just a few days ago that I am the bitch, the whore the nasty cunt that sleeps with everyone and screws everyone’s old man. The one who was never “faithful” to him? How do you forget such things about someone so fast? That is unless they aren’t true. You were just saying them to make someone look bad and yourself look good. Poor father of the year as they all think. Trying to do the right thing be a husband but this is how she dose him.

What is there to be jealousy of? Not like I’m seeing anyone or even talking to anyone. Would I like to meet someone sure I would. Am I trying to meet anyone? Not at all, if it happens it happens but I’m not out there looking. I just want to get through this school mess. Get signed up for my classes and get settled. That is what jumps up and says must be done right this minute this week is it do it or forget it. I don’t want to for get it this time.

Really he has had how long to fix things or even work on fixing things? Years and all he has done is figure every which way to keep me stuck and trapped in the same house with him. Not to try and change things and do things different in hopes it would change my mind and get me to want to stay. Not that it would but it would make more since then to keep treating someone like crap and wonder why they want as far away from you as they can get. But hey who knows we are talking about Father of the year here.

Just found it amusing I haven’t heard from him all day really have hardly talk to him in days then he sends all these text.

et cetera
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